DISCLAIMER: there’s less talk about “greased vaginas” and more talk about me being completely unimpressed with ingrates who we save from themselves. ugh.
as always, your hero has vowed not to journey to certain dens filled with certain whores unless it’s either “for a special event” or “for science”; unfortunately for all those concerned, such a special event, in the form of yet another bachelor party, occurred recently, and thus we were once against off to the land where the men have random handfuls of beers and the women are… well, “women” is perhaps not the right word. “classy ladies?” “prostitutes?” i don’t know. what i DO know is that apparently every single person i know who wasn’t already married is getting married between the years 2008 to 2010. i feel old.
anyway, this journey’s discoveries:
see how these guys are dressed? that’s correct, they are NOT wearing the appropriate outfits for going out in the evening to stare at naked ladies
-let’s start this off with a commentary that i will call “on sales pitches, part one” for reasons we shall return to later. a colleague of mine had a classy young lady ask him if he was interested in a dance (he wasn’t, as we were basically there ensuring the bachelor was having a good time and not much more) and then begin to chat with him about random topics (which may have been a sales pitch, but not an overt one) … when this middle-aged man sidles up, wraps his arm around said classy young lady and inquires as to whether or not we’ve gotten a dance from her. look, guy, here’s the thing: you’re creepy. it’s bad enough that you are, yes, one of those “sad, middle-aged guys who are posted near the stage/bar, staring intently” … but it’s worse than you want to tell me how good a dancer is. you’re old, she’s not your girlfriend, you’re PROBABLY not going to fuck said girl and i know for a fact that i have less than zero interest in how sexual arousing you found her dance. but look, here’s the deal: if you want to be creepy, do what you did the rest of the evening and hover around that classy young lady and get dances and ask her about her work schedule. just leave me the fuck out of it.
-so we’re there and we see this guy come in dressed like a surgeon (or at least the plastic apron and hat), and there’s not much you can add to that other than “and our fucking minds were blown.” i mean, it’s not Halloween and this guy is certainly NOT any kind of a doctor. does he think he’s going to impress the rest of the clientÃ¨le by posing as a rich, successful doctor? does he think he’s impressing the classy young ladies? we simply could not figure this out, which is probably to be expected, since there’s no logical explanation.
-at one point, a classy young lady was trying to scare up dances and told us that other clientÃ¨le had, when she was at their table, lunged forward and licked her exposed breast. this is a) just flat-out terrible and b) something that prompted me to note, quote, “i’m sure she’s surprised that people would behave so poorly in such a classy establishment.”
the staffing and the whor- i mean, the classy young ladies
aside from his whole “i’m a director now” career choice, this man once made a lot of excellent music for naked ladies to dance to. still trying to figure out that “Educated Horses” title, though
-song selection is probably more important than people realize. sure, if you’re good-looking (or “good-looking for a stripper,” if you prefer) and surrounded by horny old men, you can probably shake it to whatever and still make some money from the sad, sad men. but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take a LITTLE effort (at the very least) to pick your songs. for example, Linkin Park’s “Lying From You?” this is a good stripper song. and i think we all approved when this one dancer comes out and puts on Rob Zombie’s “Living Dead Girl,” a tune that rocks no matter what’s going on. but dancing to Will Smith? WILL SMITH? this shit is unacceptable.
-and now, a commentary that i will call “on sales pitches, part two.” so it’s late in the evening and this tired, older classy lady (whom is the subject of some jokes that are just too complicated to explain here) sidles up to us and does a couple of things: requests money despite not having danced or done anything else (this is simply illogical) and requests we tip another classy young lady who has recently completed a dance (this is simply… weird). ma’am, here’s the deal. i stay away from the stages so as to not have to tip dancers i don’t watch dance while i help work out the celebrations of others (and study all this for science); i do this so that classy ladies like yourself will not expect a dollar or a cent from me. okay? okay.
-also, if you are that token “gross stripper,” seriously, you need to stay away from me. oh, and also, if you’re the token “ridiculously fat stripper who’s really just way too fat to be a stripper,” my god, please don’t ever be the first thing i see when i walk in the door ever again. it was incredibly awkward.
-so there’s always a couple of older, tired-looking classy ladies there and this makes me wonder: what career do you transition into from being a stripper? like, when you’ve been doing this from age 18 and now you’re 40… where do you go from there? because you shouldn’t still be in their dancing, but the only answer that anyone can think of is “prostitution.” so is that it?
-okay, let’s say you’re heading home and you realize that one of your colleagues (not the bachelor) is too drunk to drive home safely. so you explain this to him and he argues with you terribly because he’s ridiculous, and then you and a friend drive that drunk’s car to that drunk’s house before returning to collect your own cars to go home. now, is it appropriate for this drunk to complain about all this the next day? THE ANSWER IS NO. FUCK NO, YOU INGRATE.
conclusion: things we learned
it turns out that if you take photos of us looking like “douchebags,” it still violates the “no cameras of any kind” policy at the den of whores, though you may still get said awesome photo
-to be completely redundant, naked ladies make guys do pathetic things;
-keep your sales pitches related to yourselves;
-if you ever have to be taken home due to your extreme drunkenness… well, maybe show a little gratitude? that might be nice.