NC-17-rated anthropology: inside the “den of whores” III

DISCLAIMER: there’s less talk about “greased vaginas” and more talk about me being completely unimpressed with ingrates who we save from themselves. ugh.

as always, your hero has vowed not to journey to certain dens filled with certain whores unless it’s either “for a special event” or “for science”; unfortunately for all those concerned, such a special event, in the form of yet another bachelor party, occurred recently, and thus we were once against off to the land where the men have random handfuls of beers and the women are… well, “women” is perhaps not the right word. “classy ladies?” “prostitutes?” i don’t know. what i DO know is that apparently every single person i know who wasn’t already married is getting married between the years 2008 to 2010. i feel old.

anyway, this journey’s discoveries:

the clientèle

surgeons
see how these guys are dressed? that’s correct, they are NOT wearing the appropriate outfits for going out in the evening to stare at naked ladies

-let’s start this off with a commentary that i will call “on sales pitches, part one” for reasons we shall return to later. a colleague of mine had a classy young lady ask him if he was interested in a dance (he wasn’t, as we were basically there ensuring the bachelor was having a good time and not much more) and then begin to chat with him about random topics (which may have been a sales pitch, but not an overt one) … when this middle-aged man sidles up, wraps his arm around said classy young lady and inquires as to whether or not we’ve gotten a dance from her. look, guy, here’s the thing: you’re creepy. it’s bad enough that you are, yes, one of those “sad, middle-aged guys who are posted near the stage/bar, staring intently” … but it’s worse than you want to tell me how good a dancer is. you’re old, she’s not your girlfriend, you’re PROBABLY not going to fuck said girl and i know for a fact that i have less than zero interest in how sexual arousing you found her dance. but look, here’s the deal: if you want to be creepy, do what you did the rest of the evening and hover around that classy young lady and get dances and ask her about her work schedule. just leave me the fuck out of it.

-so we’re there and we see this guy come in dressed like a surgeon (or at least the plastic apron and hat), and there’s not much you can add to that other than “and our fucking minds were blown.” i mean, it’s not Halloween and this guy is certainly NOT any kind of a doctor. does he think he’s going to impress the rest of the clientèle by posing as a rich, successful doctor? does he think he’s impressing the classy young ladies? we simply could not figure this out, which is probably to be expected, since there’s no logical explanation.

-at one point, a classy young lady was trying to scare up dances and told us that other clientèle had, when she was at their table, lunged forward and licked her exposed breast. this is a) just flat-out terrible and b) something that prompted me to note, quote, “i’m sure she’s surprised that people would behave so poorly in such a classy establishment.”

the staffing and the whor- i mean, the classy young ladies

Rob Zombie
aside from his whole “i’m a director now” career choice, this man once made a lot of excellent music for naked ladies to dance to. still trying to figure out that “Educated Horses” title, though

-song selection is probably more important than people realize. sure, if you’re good-looking (or “good-looking for a stripper,” if you prefer) and surrounded by horny old men, you can probably shake it to whatever and still make some money from the sad, sad men. but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take a LITTLE effort (at the very least) to pick your songs. for example, Linkin Park’s “Lying From You?” this is a good stripper song. and i think we all approved when this one dancer comes out and puts on Rob Zombie’s “Living Dead Girl,” a tune that rocks no matter what’s going on. but dancing to Will Smith? WILL SMITH? this shit is unacceptable.

-and now, a commentary that i will call “on sales pitches, part two.” so it’s late in the evening and this tired, older classy lady (whom is the subject of some jokes that are just too complicated to explain here) sidles up to us and does a couple of things: requests money despite not having danced or done anything else (this is simply illogical) and requests we tip another classy young lady who has recently completed a dance (this is simply… weird). ma’am, here’s the deal. i stay away from the stages so as to not have to tip dancers i don’t watch dance while i help work out the celebrations of others (and study all this for science); i do this so that classy ladies like yourself will not expect a dollar or a cent from me. okay? okay.

-also, if you are that token “gross stripper,” seriously, you need to stay away from me. oh, and also, if you’re the token “ridiculously fat stripper who’s really just way too fat to be a stripper,” my god, please don’t ever be the first thing i see when i walk in the door ever again. it was incredibly awkward.

-so there’s always a couple of older, tired-looking classy ladies there and this makes me wonder: what career do you transition into from being a stripper? like, when you’ve been doing this from age 18 and now you’re 40… where do you go from there? because you shouldn’t still be in their dancing, but the only answer that anyone can think of is “prostitution.” so is that it?

random thoughts?

-okay, let’s say you’re heading home and you realize that one of your colleagues (not the bachelor) is too drunk to drive home safely. so you explain this to him and he argues with you terribly because he’s ridiculous, and then you and a friend drive that drunk’s car to that drunk’s house before returning to collect your own cars to go home. now, is it appropriate for this drunk to complain about all this the next day? THE ANSWER IS NO. FUCK NO, YOU INGRATE.

conclusion: things we learned

janklow and friend
it turns out that if you take photos of us looking like “douchebags,” it still violates the “no cameras of any kind” policy at the den of whores, though you may still get said awesome photo

-to be completely redundant, naked ladies make guys do pathetic things;
-keep your sales pitches related to yourselves;
-if you ever have to be taken home due to your extreme drunkenness… well, maybe show a little gratitude? that might be nice.

nature’s ultimate goal: chill out in a beer cooler

recently, janklow has been out of commission thanks to a brief but oh-so-enjoyable battle with influenza (but just regular influenza, not the trendy pig-themed kind), and so he hasn’t really been able to voyage amongst mankind and develop a hilarious topic for the week. it’s all about the excuses around here! anyway, that just means that i’m going to have to work out something based on ridiculous news stories floating around, which, deep down, i prefer anyways. so without further ado…

black bear
it was then that this bear realized “hey, why am i not inside a beer cooler?”

black bear chills out in beer cooler
now, i think my love affair with animals getting drunk and being ridiculous has been pretty well established; this might seem like the same kind of thing, as we’re talking about a 125-pound black bear that wandered into a grocery store in Wisconsin, found its way to the beer cooler and then proceeded to “chill out” in there (ah, see, the “chill out” part works on a couple of levels! how comedic) until some spoil-sport wildlife officials rolled up, tranquilized the beer and drug it out of the store. however, unlike the sordid tales of drunken animals, this is actually better because of this part: “store workers say the bear seemed content in the cooler and did not consume any alcohol.” that’s right, it didn’t want to pound beers and go on a rampage; it just wanted to relax. and that’s my kind of bear.

and yes, deep down, i do hope that since they HAD to tranquilize it, it was removed from the store in a net while some wildlife official declared “book him on one count of… being a bear.”

Somali Islamists
someone told these guys firm breasts had been perceived in the area… and they’re ready for them

Somali women whipped for wearing bras
okay, now, from the jump, this seems like a reasonable news story, if not one we’d particularly agree with: hard-line Islamists cracking down on women’s apparel that they find inappropriate. again, yeah, you yourself might not agree with it, but it happens. but then, if you read the story, things get a little more… suspicious.

“Somalia’s hardline Islamist group al Shabaab is cracking down on residents who do not follow a strict form of Sharia Islamic law, now publicly whipping women who wear bras, the Times of India reported.”
for the third time, not necessarily something i agree with (personally, i am very pro-bra), but nothing ridiculous… yet.

“Residents tell the paper that gunmen have been gathering women in Mogadishu who are perceived to have firm busts.”
wait… “perceived to have firm busts?” first off, does this not sound like there’s just some random Somali dudes checking out broads under the guise of doing something more appropriate? secondly… no, there’s no secondly. this is just shady.

“These women are then publicly whipped by masked men as punishment for what Islamist leaders call deception. After the public whippings, the women are forced to remove their bras and shake their breasts, the Times reported.”
so just to prove that this is totally not about a bunch of perverts in Somalia, after they’re caught wearing bras and then punished… they have to publicly shake their breasts. goddamnit, al-Shabaab, you’re not even trying to be less than ridiculous here. what’s next? “well, first we perceive their firm busts, then we find the bras and whip them. oh, and after that, we put them in a wet t-shirt contest, where they learn the error of their ways by having their chests doused with a hose.”

balloon boy and father
honestly, no one should have EVER trusted the word of a man who has such a douchebaggy haircut

this balloon boy crap
ugh… as if i needed any further proof of how correct i am to have almost total disdain for my fellow Americans. that is all. well, okay, if i had Bill Hicks’ gift for hilarious righteous indignation, i could maybe borrow a page from his book and declare that the appropriate reality show for such man would be some variation on his “let’s hunt and kill Billy Ray Cyrus” show, but i don’t. i mostly just get completely disappointed with the quality of people this great nation has been turning out for the last… well, it’s been a while since we produced a good one.

janklow versus deer: what side are you on?

it’s been pretty well established on this here internet that deer and i have not gotten along swimmingly in our time(s) together; this (along with my hatred for wild turkeys) is one of those long-running, long-established jokes-slash-rivalries that have fueled a lot of ridiculous comments from me in the past, as well as me explaining to people how to use people’s hair and stocking to protect their valuable plants from “nature’s vandals” (also known as deer). recently, i had yet another run-in with a deer (this would be my second car-on-deer accident to date), and as i really have nothing else to go on and on about, and because i haven’t really punched up a post expressing my outrage with that balloon kid yet, well, let’s talk about how much i hate deer!

a brief history of janklow’s most infamous run-ins with deer

not-so-recently-deceased deer
for this next story to work, though, you need to picture this deer still containing more… juices

1999: janklow finds a deer in the woods
this story isn’t very funny, but here goes: when i was in my college years, i worked around this area on the lumber farm for spending money, and it happens that this area has a hunter or two doing their thing. now, they’re competent guys and tend to hit what they aim at, but sometimes it’ll happen that a deer gets wounded and escapes to die elsewhere. now, picture that happening … and then picture your hero janklow hopping over some tree debris into some tall grass in the process of cleaning up said debris and discovering a deer that had died in this fashion by, you know, landing in it. awesome.

2001: janklow’s car runs into a deer
at this point, i was still driving this sad little Ford Escort, and a 1990 Ford Escort hatchback at that, which basically made it a Pinto with a name change and, presumably, a decreased chance of bursting into a dazzling fireball on contact with other cars or weather or what have you. actually, since i was in a unrelated accident where that car was driven into by an uninsured motorist going about 50-60 miles per hour into the back of that Escort and there was no explosion, i should probably make less jokes about said Escort. that thing could really take a beating.

ANYWAY, on this occasion, janklow was following a large van that had some deer run out in front of it, and swerved to presumably avoid deer parts as a result. this was when i realized that a) i wouldn’t be successful at that because b) the deer he actually hit was still alive and getting back up off the road in front of my car. now, the thing to do in this situation is, as they say, to hit the gas and hope this all works out, and this is what i did, to no ill effect: the deer was finished off with ease. afterward, the other driver and i shared inquiries as to each other’s cars and well-being (shockingly, neither of us had damage), and then teamed up to throw the deer off the road. yes, to reiterate what probably seems ridiculous, i killed a deer with a 1990 Ford Escort with no damage to the vehicle. actually, i think i lost one of those plastic hubcap covers. whoa.

unrelated image ahoy
yes, this is a result that was returned when i googled the phrase “shouting profanity at deer.” you make sense out of that, because i can’t

2003 or so: that whole “shouting profanity at a deer” incident
i wrote a post or two some years back when i was first kicking off this “house of hate 2.0” thing about my various conflicts with animals and insects (they would be janklow versus animals: the saga continues! and janklow versus animals II: the saga continues … uh, further?, to be specific), and i referenced my general inclination to run out after deer, cursing and gesticulating wildly. okay, fuck it, here’s the quote:

“to date, most of my run-ins with deer involve me spotting one wrecking something (shocking) and rushing out of the house, spewing profanity in their direction. i think the last time it happened, i attempted to bait the deer in question by yelling at it that if it was a man, it would come back and fight me (i know i at least yelled after it “coward, get back here and fight me!”), but apparently it recognized the contradiction of being a man and a deer at the same time and fled. still, i vow to catch one of these deer and punch it in the face.”

now, again, it’s a pretty generic description because this has happened lots of times and they tend to go the same way; still, i can think of a specific occurrence that suits this description well because i happened to interrupt a conversation to abruptly burst forth from my home DEMANDING this deer fight me, and it was around 2003 or so. my declarations tend to follow a pretty straightforward pattern:

-screaming at the deer “what do you think you are doing” or, alternatively, “who do you think you are,” getting a response in neither case;
-screaming random swear words goes here, at which point the deer makes a break for it;
-screaming at the deer “get back here and fight me,” though i swear i have added “if you were a real man, you’d fight me” to that at least once. yeah, it still doesn’t make sense.

the answer to the inevitable question of “why don’t you just shoot these deer” is, of course, that i really do think i could bludgeon one into submission. this would become relevant later…

2007: the deer staredown event
so for whatever reason, janklow’s often awake at 2 AM and roaming around outside, and as you might be able to guess, that hour has a lot of crazy animals out on the loose in the more rural areas that people like yours truly reside in. this, in turn, led to janklow and a random deer coming face-to-face at a distance of about 10 feet; profanity and challenges were, of course, promptly issued. only this deer didn’t run for it. rather, it stared me down.

to be honest, i was taken aback. after all, all these deer have immediately run for it in EVERY other circumstance i confront them in, and it’s not like i want to get beaten up by a deer the first time that i manage to get one to fight me. so i yelled at it again… nothing. and again… nothing. luckily for me,
(DISCLAIMER: i actually wanted to title this update “right versus wrong, good versus evil, janklow versus deer: what side are you on?” … but that was very long and i think no one will get the reference anyway, so i didn’t. so it goes.)

i’m a little salty at that time in the morning, and so i’m able to overlook the downside of taking this to the next level, and i yell “here it comes, you shit deer” and run at it. this actually makes it run off and we enjoy a lopsided chase to the edge of the woods.

so, yes, in summation, i almost got a deer to beat me up. that would have been embarrassing.

previous smashed Civic
since i don’t actually have any photos of my car after it was struck by the most recent deer… well, here’s a photo of my previous Civic, which i actually managed to total without the help of any deer

2009: janklow’s car runs into a deer redux
yeah, it happened again… at 0330, on my way back from a fundraiser to help send someone to fight in an MMA tournament in Spain, a back story that absolutely no one who wasn’t AT that fundraiser finds acceptable (seriously, people are so critical of this).

and this time, i didn’t fully appreciate that i’d hit a deer; at first, i thought i’d run something over, as the car was running fine after impact. but doubling back revealed a deer i thought might have been dead and just run over by my car; getting out of the vehicle revealed that, no, my headlamp had caused this deer’s face to explode… without finishing off the deer completely. and as much as i hate deer, i feel a little sad for it to be pumping blood everywhere and attempting to run aimlessly, so i debate the merits of finishing it off whatever handy knife i happen to have in the car (i am admittedly not as much of a bad-ass as Chuck Klosterman’s brother)… a debate that ends when traffic speeds between my car’s flashing hazard lights and the deer, narrowly missing me and convincing me to just go the fuck home.

later i would discover even more damage to the car’s fender (to the tune of around $1500), which perhaps makes my decision to not spare the deer any suffering more justifiable in hindsight.

and that’s that, at least as far as the infamous run-ins go. i mean, i have spent far too much of my life screaming at deer. it can’t be interesting EVERY time it happens.

please Crabtree, don’t hurt ’em

perhaps because i have spent the last couple of days crying about the Oakland Raiders continual decline into just being the worst thing ever, celebrating the future victories of local MMA fighters, running over deer with my sad little car and, well, the whole “grits” thing, i haven’t really taken the time to craft a well-written piece of comedy for this week. it’s a common problem here at the house of hate; i truly mean to work on this stuff a little longer in advance so i can polish and tweak and alter the writing to my heart’s content… but it doesn’t happen. and i feel a little ashamed about it.

so with that being said, let me just go ahead and once again try and make something up quickly at the last minute.

Michael Crabtree
yes, Michael, i still consider you the stupidest man ever to be drafted in the NFL, even if now you will see a guaranteed dollar or two

Michael Crabtree ends holdout with 49ers

really? all this hilarious drama is over? that’s what they tell me:

“Give the San Francisco 49ers credit: Their hard-line approach in filing tampering charges against the New York Jets may not result in a penalty against the Jets, but it did force wide receiver Michael Crabtree to finally agree on a contract with the 49ers.
Crabtree agreed to a six-year deal with San Francisco early Wednesday morning after missing all of training camp and the first four games of the season. The deal includes a sixth year that voids if Crabtree has two great seasons in his first four years. The 49ers face Atlanta on Sunday; it’s unclear if Crabtree will play.”

now, this has left me profoundly disappointed, because i was sincerely hoping that he’d hold out for the entire year, attempt to re-enter the draft next year, fail miserably, and then spend the rest of his life as one of those random NFL trivia footnotes. i’ve been spending the entire time this has been a news story declaring that Crabtree was the stupidest person to ever be drafted, and while he still might be, it hurts my case a little for him to actually sign and be able to prove me wrong on the football field.

but for those of you at home not fully aware of why Crabtree’s an idiot – i think we all understand the illogic behind “i deserve more money than someone who was drafted where i was because i SHOULD have been drafted higher” or “if i hold out for one entire year, i will be drafted even higher next year AND be quickly signed to an even more lucrative contract” – i think it helps to point directly at some reasons:

Deion Sanders
nothing says ridiculousness quite like pictures of Neon Deion in his prime

considering Deion Sanders to be your adviser
a little bit of further summary from the above-linked article:

“In the immediate, Crabtree got boxed in as a result of his adviser, NFL Network analyst Deion Sanders. When Sanders said on NFL Network that two other teams had expressed interest in Crabtree and were willing to pay him more than the slot commensurate with the No. 10 pick this year, San Francisco owner Jed York went on the warpath. Eventually, that contributed to the tampering charge against the Jets, which is still being investigated.”

now that seems bad because of the tampering investigation and the general confirmation of his agent’s bad advice. but really, there’s a bigger issue here: what’s Deion Sanders’ qualifications to give people advice? i mean, while i hate him, the man had a solid, long, financially-successful career, so i can see where he might fool people. but the thing is, it’s not like Crabtree’s the first and only guy to turn to Sanders for advice, so you’d think he would have seen how well it’s worked out for guys like Adam “Pacman” Jones and DeAngelo Hall. well, then again, Hall’s managed to rob about three NFL teams of millions of unearned dollars, so that might be a bad example.

i get Sanders’ interest in this: it makes him relevant and popular should such advice pan on; i can even see young players being smitten with him. i just can’t see how a responsible agent or manage lets his player listen to Sanders like that. but then again, there are other things i really don’t understand:

MC Hammer
this… this is not a financial or career adviser

how MC Hammer is involved in all of this
uh, what?

“In all, Crabtree said enough to make you question the sincerity of everything he said. Speaking of questions, he left without answering the one inquiring minds really wanted to know. Hammertime? M.C. Hammer was spotted at Monday’s negotiation session. He’s a pal of Deion Sanders, who’s one of Crabtree’s mentors”

to make sense of this, you have to cling to some VERY tenuous notions, like “Sanders and Hammer are very good friends” (which i assume to be true, since through their teamwork, one of the greatest albums of all time was created and released … an album that i purchased for the whopping price of $0.75) or “well, Hammer represents the Bay Area, and that’s where Crabtree will be playing.” these are not very good excuses. and it’s not that i hold a grudge because my sibling didn’t get my Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em cassette tape autographed for me, it’s just that i think it’s a poor business decision to get MC Hammer involved in ANYTHING you do. are we forgetting the bankruptcy? the parachute pants? that ridiculous animated show?

MC Hammer
seriously, though, Please Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em will always be a top-10 album title

it might be time to listen to “U Can’t Touch This” again, though. still, i hope Crabtree fails miserably. that is all.

feminists and janklow, together again… hating on Polanski

well, i suppose this was inevitable: Roman Polanski was recently apprehended in Switzerland because of his aged 1978 arrest warrant, and then the bloggers out there in internet land (i am resisting using words like “blogosphere”) went absolutely CRAZY over this story. i think most of them were pro-arrest, as are most people, but it doesn’t really matter: they went crazy either way because it’s a nice salacious story involving a celebrity (and then a bunch of additional celebrities as a result). so now it’s time for the third-rate blogs like this one to weigh in, because everyone knows how valuable MY opinion on this matter is.

but frankly, we all know what i’m going to say about this (it was appropriate that he was arrested), we can probably guess my feelings on Polanski (he’s a gifted director, but still a criminal), and the arguments over the merits of the arrest have been repeated ad nauseum, so there’s really no need to repeat anything along those lines (whether or not there’s a need for anything on this site is a related matter best left untouched at this point). and i’m really more comfortable discussing things a) flippantly and b) in the context of a listicle, so why don’t we do something more like a list of what i consider the 13 most funny and/or ironic things about this whole mess?

note: well, let me just get this out of my system: Roman Polanski plead guilty to, basically, filling a 13-year-old girl with champagne and Quaaludes, luring her into a jacuzzi and then fucking her in the ass (and everywhere else, actually) while she repeatedly said “no.” sorry to be crude about this, but it helps people be less defensive of it when you use the phrase “he drugged an underage girl and then sodomized her,” so there it is. ANYWAY…

13 MOST FUNNY (OR AT LEAST IRONIC) THINGS ABOUT THIS WHOLE ROMAN POLANSKI ARREST BUSINESS

Roman Polanski
now really, does this look like the face of a man who could rape a child? because the answer is “yes, absolutely”

13. anyone, anywhere comparing this Polanski debate to a lynch mob
the link i am going to use, simply because it makes this claim directly, is this one from film critic Jonathan Rosenbaum, which contains the quote: “American lynch mobs never die; they only become more self-righteous about their savagery.” the only things that i can take away from this are a) that people in the modern world apparently have no conception of what a lynch mob REALLY is, and b) that people supporting Polanski may be so out of touch that they are willing to make a comparison that’s insulting to everyone involved, as it’s clearly disrespectful to anyone who’s been unfairly persecuted by mob justice (i acknowledge it’s hyperbole to some extent, but it’s still a terrible comparison) while making Polanski look bad by virtue of having his supporters revealed as idiots.

12. janklow being forced to go against Monica Bellucci on this issue
you know i refrain from saying a negative word about Bellucci (i’ve been letting that whole “shacking up with a Frenchman” thing slide for years now, for example), but seeing that she’s signed on for his petition in support of Polanski is just very disappointing. i’m going to need to come up with an explanation that works; maybe something about how traumatic the creation of Irreversible was and how it’s damaged her judgment subsequently? well, okay, it’s not very convincing, so i’ll open the floor to suggestions.

11. Roman Polanski’s petition for house arrest
this notion itself is not entirely crazy, because it’s fair to push for what Polanski’s legal team has: bail or house arrest. i don’t dispute that. but beyond the notion of “that’s not right because the guy’s spent a couple of decades or so avoid incarceration, so giving him bail or house arrest misses the point,” have you seen the home he owns outside of Gstaad? here are some photographs of it, and i think i speak for all of us who don’t own luxury homes in Switzerland when i say “how the fuck would that be considered house arrest?”

10. Debra Winger is supposedly to be taken seriously
you know what i learned from this whole event? it wasn’t anything about the Polanski case, because i’d read about it before and i watched that documentary last year (which did make the point that the justice system was maybe acting a little shady, which doesn’t change the fact that Polanski fucked a child in the ass). it was that Debra Winger is a) supposedly head of the Zurich Film Festival jury and b) still active in the film world at all and c) not dead. seriously, Debra Winger’s in charge of this film festival’s jury? who made THAT decision? terrible.

Debra Winger
seriously, Debra Winger? in charge of something serious? this still doesn’t make sense

09. this whole “Anne Applebaum conflict of interest” thing
okay, this might only be funny in the sense of embarrassing people who are defending Polanski, and not so much on the grounds of the actual arguments they make; still, Applebaum deserves it because she implied that not being able to receive an Oscar in person is an incredible debt to pay for raping a child. and it goes like this: Applebaum’s made a sad, sad defense of Polanski, and it turns out that her husband is the Polish foreign minister and has publicly indicated he’d lobby on behalf of Polanski. i don’t think this is a really scandal or shameful twist, but still, fuck Applebaum for defending Polanski.

08. the terrorism reference in Bernard-Henri Lévy’s petition
so Bernard-Henri Lévy is this French philosopher (seriously, this is a description of what he does for a living?) that started this whole petition on behalf of Polanski, and that’s pretty funny in a sad way itself. but more to the point is that it includes the following quote: “Apprehended like a common terrorist Saturday evening-“ …and we can just stop right there so that Lévy can explain this one to me. for one, i doubt that Polanski is actually being treated in the way a terrorist is. he’s probably being pampered as far as people in custody go, and he’s certainly not being interrogated or water boarded. for two, when did we abandon the phrases “common thug” or “common criminal?” if the purpose is to compare the brilliant person in custody to some generic rogue, doesn’t “common criminal” work better than “common terrorist?”

07. Luc Besson being the voice of reason on this issue
this one’s weird, especially because of bunch of French politicians and celebrities have weighed in on this one with various demands for Polanski’s freedom. what did Besson say? “Our daughters are good friends. But there is one justice, and that should be the same for everyone.” okay, that’s pretty logical, so what’s the funny and/or ironic part?
–this is the guy who made the Fifth Element, which is absolutely insane, and this indicates that Besson is not the kind of guy i expect to be the one French director making logical remarks;
–this is the guy who helped create/produce the Transporter series, , and this indicates that Besson is not the kind of guy i expect to be making rational decisions;
–this is the guy who made Léon, also known as the Professional. do i need to spell out what exactly about that film makes it weird he’d take a strong stance on this?

06. Peg Yorkin basically being dismissive of rape
you know, i like to kid the feminists, but i should admit that every so often, they do bring me some amusement. for example, when one of the founders of a group like the Feminist Majority Foundation, Peg Yorkin, gives us this pearl of wisdom: “My personal thoughts are let the guy go … It’s bad a person was raped. But that was so many years ago. The guy has been through so much in his life. It’s crazy to arrest him now. Let it go. The government could spend its money on other things.” you might never even guess that the FMF is supposedly about promoting legislation like the Violence Against Women Act that, among other things, is about addressing sexual assault against women. but perhaps they meant “sexual assault against women that took place recently?”

Harvey Weinstein
now really, does this look like the face of a man who could make a logical argument about the law? because the answer is “no, no, not at all”

05. Harvey Weinstein’s strong lack of critical thinking
frankly, this one can be boiled down to “shouldn’t Harvey be spending his time and energy trying to save his damaged and reeling movie business rather than crying about Polanski?” because his arguments prove terrible. “Whatever you think about the so-called crime, Polanski has served his time,” he says. no, Harvey, if i think the CRIME was a serious one that Polanski didn’t get punished for, then i don’t agree that he has served his time. the “whatever you think” angle doesn’t work there! but then again, this is a man who also added: “Hollywood has the best moral compass, because it has compassion.” i don’t know where to even begin with that one. and that doesn’t even get us through “I hope the U.S. government acts swiftly because filmmakers are looking for justice to be properly served.” fuck those guys on Death Row with legitimate questions about their convictions, the FILMMAKERS are looking for justice!

04. Whoopi Goldberg’s “rape-rape” defense of Polanski
now, what basically happened here is that Goldberg stated: “I know it wasn’t rape-rape. It was something else but I don’t believe it was rape-rape.” now, this comment that doesn’t make much sense to me. so there’s rape and then there’s turbo-rape? what constitutes this turbo-rape? i don’t know, but i bet it’s something like raping a child… wait… that happened in this case… so that would make it turbo-bad… yeah. she clarified later that she meant it was statutory rape instead of plain old rape, which seems bogus, but i guess it’s a claim? sort of?

03. Whoopi Goldberg’s defense of not serving a sentence
i’m sorry, but i just can’t leave her alone on this one. what you might have noticed, if you followed the above link, is that Whoopi Goldberg also stated: “He went to jail and and when they let him out he was like, ‘You know what, this guy’s going to give me a hundred years in jail. I’m not staying.’ So that’s why he left.” now, again, i suppose her base argument is something about Polanski being abused by the American justice system or something. but here’s the thing: she’s basically arguing that he’s paid his debt to society because he briefly went to jail and then skipped out on the rest of a sentence because it was too much. this is ridiculous! i am not sure i could shoot someone and then say “fuck this life sentence nonsense, that’s just UNFAIR,” and expect people to say “you know, janklow’s right, that judge was running wild!”

02. Woody Allen being involved in this in a supposedly serious manner
so i understand that not everyone has a negative view of Woody Allen; many may at least think that even if he DID do something shady with his stepdaughter (or whatever she was, i know, there’s a complicated defense of Allen based around him not actually being married to Mia Farrow), it’s been redeemed by all of his wonderful work in the world of cinema. but even if that’s the case, they have to understand that he looks like king of the perverts to the average American, right? so does no one that supports Polanski even realize how BAD it makes their side look when Woody Allen is signing petitions in his defense and making a show of it?

feminists
that’s right, ladies, LET’S GET THAT POLANSKI

01. that janklow and a whole bunch of feminists are on the same page about something
okay, you probably saw this joke coming. but seriously, considering that feminists universally despise janklow and janklow feels bad about all their jealousy-based-rage, when they and i are on the same page about something (with the exception of Peg Yorkin, i suppose), well, then you KNOW there’s some irony at work. and we all love irony!