janklow versus deer: what side are you on?

it’s been pretty well established on this here internet that deer and i have not gotten along swimmingly in our time(s) together; this (along with my hatred for wild turkeys) is one of those long-running, long-established jokes-slash-rivalries that have fueled a lot of ridiculous comments from me in the past, as well as me explaining to people how to use people’s hair and stocking to protect their valuable plants from “nature’s vandals” (also known as deer). recently, i had yet another run-in with a deer (this would be my second car-on-deer accident to date), and as i really have nothing else to go on and on about, and because i haven’t really punched up a post expressing my outrage with that balloon kid yet, well, let’s talk about how much i hate deer!

a brief history of janklow’s most infamous run-ins with deer

not-so-recently-deceased deer
for this next story to work, though, you need to picture this deer still containing more… juices

1999: janklow finds a deer in the woods
this story isn’t very funny, but here goes: when i was in my college years, i worked around this area on the lumber farm for spending money, and it happens that this area has a hunter or two doing their thing. now, they’re competent guys and tend to hit what they aim at, but sometimes it’ll happen that a deer gets wounded and escapes to die elsewhere. now, picture that happening … and then picture your hero janklow hopping over some tree debris into some tall grass in the process of cleaning up said debris and discovering a deer that had died in this fashion by, you know, landing in it. awesome.

2001: janklow’s car runs into a deer
at this point, i was still driving this sad little Ford Escort, and a 1990 Ford Escort hatchback at that, which basically made it a Pinto with a name change and, presumably, a decreased chance of bursting into a dazzling fireball on contact with other cars or weather or what have you. actually, since i was in a unrelated accident where that car was driven into by an uninsured motorist going about 50-60 miles per hour into the back of that Escort and there was no explosion, i should probably make less jokes about said Escort. that thing could really take a beating.

ANYWAY, on this occasion, janklow was following a large van that had some deer run out in front of it, and swerved to presumably avoid deer parts as a result. this was when i realized that a) i wouldn’t be successful at that because b) the deer he actually hit was still alive and getting back up off the road in front of my car. now, the thing to do in this situation is, as they say, to hit the gas and hope this all works out, and this is what i did, to no ill effect: the deer was finished off with ease. afterward, the other driver and i shared inquiries as to each other’s cars and well-being (shockingly, neither of us had damage), and then teamed up to throw the deer off the road. yes, to reiterate what probably seems ridiculous, i killed a deer with a 1990 Ford Escort with no damage to the vehicle. actually, i think i lost one of those plastic hubcap covers. whoa.

unrelated image ahoy
yes, this is a result that was returned when i googled the phrase “shouting profanity at deer.” you make sense out of that, because i can’t

2003 or so: that whole “shouting profanity at a deer” incident
i wrote a post or two some years back when i was first kicking off this “house of hate 2.0” thing about my various conflicts with animals and insects (they would be janklow versus animals: the saga continues! and janklow versus animals II: the saga continues … uh, further?, to be specific), and i referenced my general inclination to run out after deer, cursing and gesticulating wildly. okay, fuck it, here’s the quote:

“to date, most of my run-ins with deer involve me spotting one wrecking something (shocking) and rushing out of the house, spewing profanity in their direction. i think the last time it happened, i attempted to bait the deer in question by yelling at it that if it was a man, it would come back and fight me (i know i at least yelled after it “coward, get back here and fight me!”), but apparently it recognized the contradiction of being a man and a deer at the same time and fled. still, i vow to catch one of these deer and punch it in the face.”

now, again, it’s a pretty generic description because this has happened lots of times and they tend to go the same way; still, i can think of a specific occurrence that suits this description well because i happened to interrupt a conversation to abruptly burst forth from my home DEMANDING this deer fight me, and it was around 2003 or so. my declarations tend to follow a pretty straightforward pattern:

-screaming at the deer “what do you think you are doing” or, alternatively, “who do you think you are,” getting a response in neither case;
-screaming random swear words goes here, at which point the deer makes a break for it;
-screaming at the deer “get back here and fight me,” though i swear i have added “if you were a real man, you’d fight me” to that at least once. yeah, it still doesn’t make sense.

the answer to the inevitable question of “why don’t you just shoot these deer” is, of course, that i really do think i could bludgeon one into submission. this would become relevant later…

2007: the deer staredown event
so for whatever reason, janklow’s often awake at 2 AM and roaming around outside, and as you might be able to guess, that hour has a lot of crazy animals out on the loose in the more rural areas that people like yours truly reside in. this, in turn, led to janklow and a random deer coming face-to-face at a distance of about 10 feet; profanity and challenges were, of course, promptly issued. only this deer didn’t run for it. rather, it stared me down.

to be honest, i was taken aback. after all, all these deer have immediately run for it in EVERY other circumstance i confront them in, and it’s not like i want to get beaten up by a deer the first time that i manage to get one to fight me. so i yelled at it again… nothing. and again… nothing. luckily for me,
(DISCLAIMER: i actually wanted to title this update “right versus wrong, good versus evil, janklow versus deer: what side are you on?” … but that was very long and i think no one will get the reference anyway, so i didn’t. so it goes.)

i’m a little salty at that time in the morning, and so i’m able to overlook the downside of taking this to the next level, and i yell “here it comes, you shit deer” and run at it. this actually makes it run off and we enjoy a lopsided chase to the edge of the woods.

so, yes, in summation, i almost got a deer to beat me up. that would have been embarrassing.

previous smashed Civic
since i don’t actually have any photos of my car after it was struck by the most recent deer… well, here’s a photo of my previous Civic, which i actually managed to total without the help of any deer

2009: janklow’s car runs into a deer redux
yeah, it happened again… at 0330, on my way back from a fundraiser to help send someone to fight in an MMA tournament in Spain, a back story that absolutely no one who wasn’t AT that fundraiser finds acceptable (seriously, people are so critical of this).

and this time, i didn’t fully appreciate that i’d hit a deer; at first, i thought i’d run something over, as the car was running fine after impact. but doubling back revealed a deer i thought might have been dead and just run over by my car; getting out of the vehicle revealed that, no, my headlamp had caused this deer’s face to explode… without finishing off the deer completely. and as much as i hate deer, i feel a little sad for it to be pumping blood everywhere and attempting to run aimlessly, so i debate the merits of finishing it off whatever handy knife i happen to have in the car (i am admittedly not as much of a bad-ass as Chuck Klosterman’s brother)… a debate that ends when traffic speeds between my car’s flashing hazard lights and the deer, narrowly missing me and convincing me to just go the fuck home.

later i would discover even more damage to the car’s fender (to the tune of around $1500), which perhaps makes my decision to not spare the deer any suffering more justifiable in hindsight.

and that’s that, at least as far as the infamous run-ins go. i mean, i have spent far too much of my life screaming at deer. it can’t be interesting EVERY time it happens.

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