nature’s ultimate goal: chill out in a beer cooler

recently, janklow has been out of commission thanks to a brief but oh-so-enjoyable battle with influenza (but just regular influenza, not the trendy pig-themed kind), and so he hasn’t really been able to voyage amongst mankind and develop a hilarious topic for the week. it’s all about the excuses around here! anyway, that just means that i’m going to have to work out something based on ridiculous news stories floating around, which, deep down, i prefer anyways. so without further ado…

black bear
it was then that this bear realized “hey, why am i not inside a beer cooler?”

black bear chills out in beer cooler
now, i think my love affair with animals getting drunk and being ridiculous has been pretty well established; this might seem like the same kind of thing, as we’re talking about a 125-pound black bear that wandered into a grocery store in Wisconsin, found its way to the beer cooler and then proceeded to “chill out” in there (ah, see, the “chill out” part works on a couple of levels! how comedic) until some spoil-sport wildlife officials rolled up, tranquilized the beer and drug it out of the store. however, unlike the sordid tales of drunken animals, this is actually better because of this part: “store workers say the bear seemed content in the cooler and did not consume any alcohol.” that’s right, it didn’t want to pound beers and go on a rampage; it just wanted to relax. and that’s my kind of bear.

and yes, deep down, i do hope that since they HAD to tranquilize it, it was removed from the store in a net while some wildlife official declared “book him on one count of… being a bear.”

Somali Islamists
someone told these guys firm breasts had been perceived in the area… and they’re ready for them

Somali women whipped for wearing bras
okay, now, from the jump, this seems like a reasonable news story, if not one we’d particularly agree with: hard-line Islamists cracking down on women’s apparel that they find inappropriate. again, yeah, you yourself might not agree with it, but it happens. but then, if you read the story, things get a little more… suspicious.

“Somalia’s hardline Islamist group al Shabaab is cracking down on residents who do not follow a strict form of Sharia Islamic law, now publicly whipping women who wear bras, the Times of India reported.”
for the third time, not necessarily something i agree with (personally, i am very pro-bra), but nothing ridiculous… yet.

“Residents tell the paper that gunmen have been gathering women in Mogadishu who are perceived to have firm busts.”
wait… “perceived to have firm busts?” first off, does this not sound like there’s just some random Somali dudes checking out broads under the guise of doing something more appropriate? secondly… no, there’s no secondly. this is just shady.

“These women are then publicly whipped by masked men as punishment for what Islamist leaders call deception. After the public whippings, the women are forced to remove their bras and shake their breasts, the Times reported.”
so just to prove that this is totally not about a bunch of perverts in Somalia, after they’re caught wearing bras and then punished… they have to publicly shake their breasts. goddamnit, al-Shabaab, you’re not even trying to be less than ridiculous here. what’s next? “well, first we perceive their firm busts, then we find the bras and whip them. oh, and after that, we put them in a wet t-shirt contest, where they learn the error of their ways by having their chests doused with a hose.”

balloon boy and father
honestly, no one should have EVER trusted the word of a man who has such a douchebaggy haircut

this balloon boy crap
ugh… as if i needed any further proof of how correct i am to have almost total disdain for my fellow Americans. that is all. well, okay, if i had Bill Hicks’ gift for hilarious righteous indignation, i could maybe borrow a page from his book and declare that the appropriate reality show for such man would be some variation on his “let’s hunt and kill Billy Ray Cyrus” show, but i don’t. i mostly just get completely disappointed with the quality of people this great nation has been turning out for the last… well, it’s been a while since we produced a good one.

Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *