it’s pretty well-established that there are some animals that i think are totally excellent: dogs and elephants mostly, but also lesser-beloved entries like bears. and it is bears that we shall celebrate this week!
yeah, i totally get how people could look at something like this and think “that thing needs to be wearing a fez and ice-skating on a rink somewhere”
ice-skating bear kills circus head
on the one hand, i get the reason behind making bears wear little hats and drive little cars and perform otherwise anthropomorphic actions: they’ve got that “they stand on two feet sometimes LIKE US” thing going on. but on the other hand, i think “wait, that’s not a good enough reason AT ALL.” did mankind suddenly forget all those years of shoving Christians into arenas with bears? bears are massive and prone to mauling and eating you should you wrong them.
so perhaps i just happen to think that things like this shouldn’t occur:
“A circus bear killed one person and injured another during rehearsals for an ice-skating show. The bear, which was part of the Russian State Circus, killed Dmitri Potapov, 25, a circus director who was visiting the show in Bishkek, the capital of Kyrgyzstan. An animal handler who tried to stop the attack suffered bruising to the brain and lacerations to his scalp. It is unclear why the bear, which was wearing ice skates at the time, attacked Mr Potapov. The bear was later shot by police.”
oh, i’ll tell you why the bear attacked Mr. Potapov, because the answer seems pretty obvious: because it was wearing ice skates at the time. i doubt it was voluntary. remind me again why this is a good idea?
“Deadly attacks are rare in the country’s circuses, which often train bears to wear skates and play ice hockey.”
oh… right, the ice hockey. “bear ice hockey” is a top 13 all-time awesome phrase. as you were, Russians, as you were.
bears: harboring surprisingly strong feelings about separatists in Kashmir
bear mauls, kills two high-ranking separatists hiding in cave in Kashmir
but since bears are pretty excellent, we don’t want to start thinking that bears will never suddenly flip out and maul people to death in the name of good. so here we have this heartwarming story from the Indian subcontinent:
“A group of Muslim separatists in Kashmir picked the wrong cave for a hideout. A police spokesman said an angry bear mauled two high-ranking Hizbul Mujahideen commanders who had set up camp inside its cave in the southern part of the Indian-run state, the Hindustan Times reported.
Though the men were armed with AK-47 machine guns, “the attack seems to have been so violent that both the militants got no chance to fire back at the wild animal,” the spokesman, Col. JS Brar, told the Indian newspaper. Two other militants were injured by the Himalayan black bear, but managed to escape and make their way to a nearby village for help, the BBC reported. One of the dead men was later identified as Siafullah, the insurgency group’s district commander.”
so not only is this awesome because an angry bear attacking some separatists in a cave (again, this is one of those phrases which is immediately awesome to everyone upon reading it), there are some other awesome factors at work:
–these separatists were actually armed at the time and the FOUR of them still couldn’t manage to get off a shot at this bear. actually, maybe they could, but the story seems to imply this bear struck and then faded into the night, like Batman;
–two guys got merely injured and escaped, which means we have an anxious exchange between separatists wherein they have to explain that they weren’t attacked by some kind of American drone, but rather, a bear. actually, if it was me, i’d be telling them that it was some kind of American drone;
–the bear in question was a Himalayan black bear, not one of the normal bears you expect to wreck shit like this (say, a grizzly or Kodiak or maybe polar bear), which immediately raises that bear’s stature in the world;
–the bear killed the insurgency group’s district commander. i choose to see this as proof that the US has some kind of high-speed low-drag special bear forces on our payroll, and i will NOT be dissuaded from believing this conspiratorial nonsense.
when Fedor saw the breadth of his domain, he wept for there were no more bears to conquer
“i met a bear in a zoo”
and now we come to the quote that started off this week’s random update, courtesy of Russia’s baddest dude not named Vasily Zaytsev or, you know, Vladimir Putin:
“Asked on a conference call if it were true that his brother, Aleksander, once killed a bear with a knife and a fork, [Fedor] Emelianenko stoically gave an answer instead of laughingly dismissing the question. “I met a bear in the zoo,” he said. “A bear is very strong; very hard for a human to kill a bear with simple methods.””
i seriously have no doubt that Fedor “the Last Emperor” Emelianenko fought and killed a bear in a Russian zoo. for god’s sake, they make them ice-skate over there!
it was then that this bear realized “hey, why am i not inside a beer cooler?”
black bear chills out in beer cooler
now, i think my love affair with animals getting drunk and being ridiculous has been pretty well established; this might seem like the same kind of thing, as we’re talking about a 125-pound black bear that wandered into a grocery store in Wisconsin, found its way to the beer cooler and then proceeded to “chill out” in there… hey, wait a second… i think i talked about this weeks ago! perhaps this is the cause of my recent bear theme, and not Fedor? no, no, it’s probably the latter, who certainly doesn’t have connections to Russian Mafia types who might kill me for suggesting otherwise.