in which i steal Bruce McCullough’s idea and relate it to football

it’s been noted a couple of times here on this illustrious blog that i am an Oakland Raiders fan; as one can imagine (and has also been noted a couple of times here), this has led to hardships of various types. some of this has been due to people i notoriously hate (such as Bill Callahan), some to this has been due to just overall poor play… and most of this has to do with JaMarcus Russell.

and now, janklow with an open letter to JaMarcus Russell.

JaMarcus Russell
fuck you, man, fuck you

well, why did you do it? are you some sort of jerk or something? do you not understand what you’re supposed to do as the quarterback for an NFL team? do you really not understand why you were repeatedly benched? are you that unappreciative of the vast amount of money you are guaranteed? or the opportunity that you have that many, many former college football players would love to have? mostly importantly, i guess: do you understand that now i cannot even see your fat face on the sidelines without getting ridiculously angry about it?

JaMarcus Russell
fuck you, man, fuck you

look, i wasn’t wild about the #1 overall draft pick thing; it wasn’t personal, i just think the pick itself is far too likely to produce a bust (or even a “bust,” who’s merely just a good player) and i didn’t think the Raiders were going to do anything great with it. and there’s always the questions about how well a rookie QB can adjust and adapt to the NFL when he goes to a bad team (which the Raiders were) and especially one with a questionable offensive line (which the Raiders had). so there was some sympathy there.

also, i made the tragic mistake of purchasing a Russell jersey, which, while i did because it was a phenomenal deal on an authentic jersey, is something that i consider to be bad luck. i mean, the guy hasn’t even played a snap for your team, right? doesn’t that scream jinx? luckily for me, then some things happened to ruin my sympathies.

–the holdout. yeah, remember this? here’s the deal: extended rookie holdouts are basically never good. they make you look greedy, they make you look spoiled, and, mostly importantly, they hinder your football development. forget the knee-jerk reaction to just label guys calling you greedy “haters” and make an argument in defense of maximizing your earnings; it hinders your development, and THAT hurts your earnings as well. and by holding out weeks into his first season, this is what Russell did. notice how he still sucks? exactly.

JaMarcus Russell
fuck you, man, fuck you

–the fatness. i don’t want to seem excessively harsh here, because it’s fine if people are fat. really, if that makes you happy, okay. but when you’re a professional athlete who’s guaranteed millions of dollars, i expect you to act like it … and one of the ways you do that is by showing up in shape to play football, especially when you’re a player who people are constantly accusing of being out of shape. as a fan, when you remain a huge fatty even in the face of your money and all those trainers and all the rest, it’s sort of insulting. plus, there’s also a factor where you’re huge – and i mean massive, not fat, because Russell is HUGE – and yet you’re unable to resist being sacked CONSTANTLY.

–the inability to care. for the love of god, man, you have GOT to have a little bit of fire in you to lead an NFL team … and yet Russell can’t be bothered to care. not when he’s losing, not when he’s getting benched, not when he’s being asked about a benching. seriously, you can get benched and not know why? you can complete less than half your passes, throw no touchdowns and a pile of interceptions, get constantly sacked … and not understand why you got benched?

Russell, here’s the bottom line: you honestly seem like a fairly nice kid, i’ve never heard of you doing anything downright BAD in either college or your NFL days, and i can’t fault you for being drafted high and thus getting paid and started. but you are so worthless and terrible at football that i need you to just go away. i get immediately furious when i see you starting now. it would be best for both of us if you would just stop playing football.

also, while i don’t have the material for a full-length update about this, and as i have gone on the record with rants about terrible, terrible book advertisements before, i want to punch whoever wrote the ads for this new James Patterson book (and i use that phrase loosely, since i guess it’s sometimes hard to tell who wrote one of “his” books) I, Alex Cross for their use of the phrase “un-put-downable.” this is not a real word or a real phrase and it makes me want to vomit.

Peter Manoogian’s number one movie of all time Eliminators

…or at least, the trailer, anyway. you see, earlier today, i was reading an internet posting about BJ “the Prodigy” Penn and his preparations for his upcoming fight with Diego “the Nightmare” Sanchez. it’s all pretty straightforward stuff — Penn thinks Diego is weird, not crazy; Penn’s hand speed is supposedly looking fantastic; and so on — until it revealed that Penn declared the movie “Eliminators” the “number one movie of all time.” you know, the movie with “the droid” where “the ninja guy jumps through the fan”; how could you not remember it in such a glowing light as Penn does? and he doesn’t seem to be joking, although maybe he is and i’m not picking up on it. i’m not really a big BJ Penn fan.

luckily for me, however, the website that mentioned this story to me was helpful enough to track down a trailer for said movie and post it, and now that i have watched it, i can think of nothing better to write this week’s update about. it has consumed my mind. so let’s not beat around the bush any further:

00:07: this “hidden fortress” is located in some kind of “impenetrable jungle” that doesn’t even seem to figure in the shots around said fortress. now, i have seen a couple of movies featuring “impenetrable jungles” before, and while it’s true that they were mostly mondo films like Cannibal Holocaust and Last Cannibal World (please don’t judge my film library) where natives eventually killed and ate the interloping Europeans, there WAS also prominent jungle shown in all of them. i’m just saying.

00:20: i’m not sure if they are building the “mandroid” or fixing the mandroid or why we’re even calling him a mandroid and not a cyborg. i suppose this is that particular mad scientist’s catchphrase.

00:30: so i guess the plot is that this scientist (“Abbott Reeves,” a solid villain name) wants to have the mandroid dismantled and thus “he must be eliminated.” that being said, why is it that mad doctors always create something that crushes all that stand in its path and then want to dismantle it? can an incredible old man and his Asian assistant really stop the might of a mandroid?

00:32: team member one (“Nora Hunter”) is apparently some kind of genius lady mechanic. well, she dresses like a doctor, but she calls herself a mechanic. for you nerds out there, this role is apparently played by Denise Crosby, possibly better known as Lieutenant Tasha Yar on Star Trek: the Next Generation. this is also the second time i have pointed out TNG alumni in a running diary.

00:38: team member two (“Harry Fontana,” the “river rat”) stops some pursing speedboats with the slowest, most terrible use of an oil drum that explodes when shot with a pistol. AND THIS IS IN THE TRAILER! you know, the thing that’s meant to bedazzle you into seeing the film? ugh.

00:53: team member three (“Kuji”) is apparently a ninja, presumably “the ninja guy [that] jumps through the fan” that Penn was talking about. at this point, i shouldn’t really be surprised by random shit appearing in this trailer, although i cannot fathom how he actually enters the story. like, okay, the mandroid needs the mechanic and they need the river rat to penetrate the jungle. but where does the ninja come in?

00:58: this is an incredibly awkward scene of a ninja on a raft fighting two dudes on another raft while the REST of the “Eliminators” don’t seem to be helping. wow.

01:03: team member four (“the Mandroid”) appears to be half-tank now. RIDICULOUS. he is also “more machine than man,” a fact rendered completely not surprising when he drove out of a tunnel in half-tank form. apparently “his special powers will determine whether or not they survive,” and these special powers appear to be “driving down steps” and “shooting a laser.”


mandroid and awesome robot
to be redundant: THIS ROBOT IS AWESOME

01:12: okay, so Fontana says “we got robots, we got cavemen, we got kung fu. what is this, anyway?” as a montage of images rolls. it shows that awesome robot for “robots” and Kuji for “kung fu.” and yet it shows the mandroid for “cavemen” despite the fact that footage of cavemen was CLEARLY used earlier in the trailer. sorry i didn’t mention those cavemen, but that’s who was on the other raft (AKA “two dudes”).

01:29: …and apparently we’ve wandered into a scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark for no reason that i can understand, what with the plot being to eliminate a mad doctor and all.

01:32: once they reach their destination, they face “the most awesome power on earth.” unless something’s happened to the mad doctor, it appears to be a random dude in some weird futuristic Roman armor carrying a shield who destroys a fountain with a laser pistol. yeah.

01:40: absolutely awful mandroid action sequence. it’s my understanding that the actor who played it (Patrick Reynolds) didn’t get much work after this film.

01:50: this is the part that actually made me laugh the hardest. so after the mandroid lasers it up and Kuji ninja-attacks some dudes, the announcer declares “it will take all their combined skills to defeat him” (leading me to guess the mad doctor WAS upgraded in some way) … and then we see Fontana and Nora rapidly firing lever-action rifles. it was just so absurd that i had to laugh.

01:55: “each one is the ultimate specialist in his field.” so that’s what, mechanical engineering, river navigation, ninja tactics and … being a mandroid?

again: being a mandroid is a specialty? ridiculous

02:03: the mandroid awkwardly drives through a wall he shot open as the announcer declares “together, they are the Eliminators.” there is no way this can be the best movie of all time.

or is there? well, i couldn’t wait to purchase it to mock it, so i’m just going to let all you fine people out there on the internet be the judge of that. get back to me with your reviews of the film when you can.

nature’s combat style: “attack like an alcoholic man”

i’m not sure exactly what’s going on this week, but it certainly seems like a weird for some ridiculous animal stories. and given how quick i am to start rambling about bears or honey badgers or god knows what else about random animals, i think it’s a pretty safe bet to assume that i am not going to let these stories go to waste … at least not when i can repackage a list of them and call it an “update.” yes! saving time is excellent! anyway, on with these articles.

coyote wedged inside car
leave it to a coyote to be nonchalant about being wedged inside an automobile

meet the wiliest of all coyotes

we’ll start off with a feel-good story, although if you grew up watching cartoons, the notion that a coyote might just be indestructible is not a foreign concept (and they tell me that those cartoons have a massive influence over the minds of children). two kids hit a coyote going about 75 miles per hour, and thought they killed the animal, which is not an unreasonable notion. but then, “eight hours, two fuel stops, and 600 miles later they found the wild animal embedded in their front fender – and very much alive.” wait, what?

that’s right, as seen in the above picture, this coyote just got wedged into the car between the fender and the radiator and was totally fine: a wildlife rescue worker came, helped get the coyote out of the car … and then it was learned that the coyote had merely some scrapes to its paw; no internal injuries or anything else dramatic, which just goes to prove that those WB cartoons might actually have had some basis in fact, although the jury is still out on how clever roadrunners actually are. they then nicknamed the coyote “Tricky,” whereupon the coyote immediately escaped from the kennel by wriggling out through the bars of its cage. seriously, you’d think that they would have picked up on this coyote’s ability to wedge itself into ridiculous places PRIOR to the kennel.

moral of the story: the Honda Fit may be a quality automobile that will get you good gas mileage, but it should not be relied upon to kill coyotes.

baboon busting into car
baboons: nature’s gang members (as opposed to deer: nature’s vandals)

South African baboon gangs grow more aggressive
baboon “gangs” run wild in suburban South Africa

now, i have been in situations where baboons were swarming all over cars, and it’s pretty ridiculous. baboons are amongst the most shameless members of the animal kingdom. so when i hear that baboons are getting aggressive beyond that, it makes me pause for a moment to shake my head in disgust. “oh, baboons, what could you be up to now?”

“the cheeky primates have learned how to open car doors and jump through windows in pursuit of tasty sandwiches and snacks.”
that’s it? baboons know where to find tasty sandwiches? hell, i know where to find tasty sandwiches.

“On Tuesday, a troupe of 29 baboons raided four cars outside Simon’s Town, a small coastal neighborhood. A baboon dubbed “Fred,” the leader of the group, opened unlocked doors and jumped through windows to search for food. He ransacked a bag in the back seat of a red car as a couple panicked about their passports. A girl screamed nearby as a baboon hopped into her car through a back window.”
okay, that’s more like it. the best thing about this is officials making it sound like these baboons are hardened criminal gangs. “if you stop your car, they WILL eat your tasty sandwiches.” that said, “Fred” is a terrible name for the leader of a baboon gang. couldn’t they have named him Tricky or something? actually, wait; i recall what the best thing about this is:

“Many of those who stopped to watch the raid had their own cars broken into by other baboons.”
ha! but that article brims with concern for the tourists who, let’s face it, are going to get ripped off by SOMEONE on their vacation. these baboons, however, seem to have no shame when it comes to even the locals.

“They break windows to get into houses … They even know how to open doors. And once inside, they make a mess. They empty the fridge, ruin furniture, and defecate all over … I have had them in my house several times, even while I was there. They simply brushed past me. I had to get out of the way … Even my husband got threatened by a baboon.”
what does “threatened” mean? because if the baboons bites you or lunges at you, that’s “attacked,” right? did the baboon throw up a gang sign at him?

but you know, maybe it’s the American in me, but i see a solution to all this “they simply brushed past me” talk: it’s calling “shooting a baboon in the face with a large-caliber handgun.” even the most hardcore baboon gang member respects that.

tiger cat looking annoyed
when you search the internet for “tiger cat,” this annoyed cat’s picture appears… probably because it is, you know, a REAL animal

‘tiger cat’ legend claws away at U.S. image

is this one of those over-the-top stories that i can simply just quote? i think it might be!

“To hunt the ferocious tiger cat on the Shomali plains north of Kabul, the capital, you must move through a maze of walled dirt alleys and dip into the icy fear that chills entire villages. Along the way, you must interrogate bombastic heroes who claim to have wrestled and killed these beasts single-handed, and sift conflicting descriptions of something like a big dog, or a fox or a cat.”
okay, so far this might just be a series of tales about a possibly fictional, outlandish cat. not that extreme, right?

“Whatever it is that is terrifying the villagers on this verdant plain studded with fruit trees and land mines, people here agree on whose fault it is: the U.S. military’s.”
that’s right: just another possibly fictional, outlandish cat that’s to be blamed on the US military. wait, what?

“At times, the alleged American motives for releasing the pisho palang and supposed delivery methods strain common sense. “We heard that foreigners are releasing them at night from planes to eat people. We heard that usually the tiger cats attack the throat and drink all the blood,” said Mohammad Saber, also from Saidkhail. Air delivery? But wouldn’t the fall kill the cats? “They fly really low,” said Koko Gul, 20, of nearby Monara village, holding his hands a foot from the ground, “and they just drop the cats onto the ground.”

Fazul Rahim, 28, of Saidkhail, said he knew a man who caught a pisho palang in a net. It had some kind of foreign stamp on its rump, he claimed. “And some American came and he wanted to buy it for $5,000, but my friend wouldn’t sell it,” Rahim said. He refused $5,000 for a cat? “Yes. He said, ‘Right now, they’re paying $5,000, but maybe later they’ll pay more,'” Rahim recounted.”
seriously, if i was going to make up an outrageous story involving mysterious and deadly cats and the US military, i could not top this. it boggles my mind to consider that people say these things while considering them to be factually accurate. and it’s not like this article gets any more logical (beyond times when Americans are declaring “fuck no, we don’t use mysterious cats”):

“In Qoochi village north of Kabul, Gul Afraz, 50, tells a rollicking tale, waving his arms, leaping up at times, to illustrate his heroism in bare-handedly wrestling and killing a pisho palang that had attacked a boy three or four months ago. The tiger cat “attacked like an alcoholic man,” he began. “He went for my throat. I grabbed his throat with my left hand and beat him to the ground and put my left knee on his belly.”
i simply do not understand what “attacked like an alcoholic man” means. i am not going to pretend otherwise.

“”I had a pocketknife in my pocket; I opened it with my teeth and I stabbed him in the head again and again. And then he died.” Gul Afraz says he buried the body. He mentions an Afghan magazine with his name in it and a picture of the pisho palang. But it was merely a crudely drawn artist’s impression, a Dracula-feline cross with big fangs, terrifying expression and arched back.”
ahahaha … this is the best proof of a cat’s existence ever, and totally in keeping with the factual nature of the other claims.

let’s close with this travesty:


i can’t even get mad about the bashing of the Welsh. that might actually be accurate.