nature’s combat style: “attack like an alcoholic man”

i’m not sure exactly what’s going on this week, but it certainly seems like a weird for some ridiculous animal stories. and given how quick i am to start rambling about bears or honey badgers or god knows what else about random animals, i think it’s a pretty safe bet to assume that i am not going to let these stories go to waste … at least not when i can repackage a list of them and call it an “update.” yes! saving time is excellent! anyway, on with these articles.

coyote wedged inside car
leave it to a coyote to be nonchalant about being wedged inside an automobile

meet the wiliest of all coyotes

we’ll start off with a feel-good story, although if you grew up watching cartoons, the notion that a coyote might just be indestructible is not a foreign concept (and they tell me that those cartoons have a massive influence over the minds of children). two kids hit a coyote going about 75 miles per hour, and thought they killed the animal, which is not an unreasonable notion. but then, “eight hours, two fuel stops, and 600 miles later they found the wild animal embedded in their front fender – and very much alive.” wait, what?

that’s right, as seen in the above picture, this coyote just got wedged into the car between the fender and the radiator and was totally fine: a wildlife rescue worker came, helped get the coyote out of the car … and then it was learned that the coyote had merely some scrapes to its paw; no internal injuries or anything else dramatic, which just goes to prove that those WB cartoons might actually have had some basis in fact, although the jury is still out on how clever roadrunners actually are. they then nicknamed the coyote “Tricky,” whereupon the coyote immediately escaped from the kennel by wriggling out through the bars of its cage. seriously, you’d think that they would have picked up on this coyote’s ability to wedge itself into ridiculous places PRIOR to the kennel.

moral of the story: the Honda Fit may be a quality automobile that will get you good gas mileage, but it should not be relied upon to kill coyotes.

baboon busting into car
baboons: nature’s gang members (as opposed to deer: nature’s vandals)

South African baboon gangs grow more aggressive
baboon “gangs” run wild in suburban South Africa

now, i have been in situations where baboons were swarming all over cars, and it’s pretty ridiculous. baboons are amongst the most shameless members of the animal kingdom. so when i hear that baboons are getting aggressive beyond that, it makes me pause for a moment to shake my head in disgust. “oh, baboons, what could you be up to now?”

“the cheeky primates have learned how to open car doors and jump through windows in pursuit of tasty sandwiches and snacks.”
that’s it? baboons know where to find tasty sandwiches? hell, i know where to find tasty sandwiches.

“On Tuesday, a troupe of 29 baboons raided four cars outside Simon’s Town, a small coastal neighborhood. A baboon dubbed “Fred,” the leader of the group, opened unlocked doors and jumped through windows to search for food. He ransacked a bag in the back seat of a red car as a couple panicked about their passports. A girl screamed nearby as a baboon hopped into her car through a back window.”
okay, that’s more like it. the best thing about this is officials making it sound like these baboons are hardened criminal gangs. “if you stop your car, they WILL eat your tasty sandwiches.” that said, “Fred” is a terrible name for the leader of a baboon gang. couldn’t they have named him Tricky or something? actually, wait; i recall what the best thing about this is:

“Many of those who stopped to watch the raid had their own cars broken into by other baboons.”
ha! but that article brims with concern for the tourists who, let’s face it, are going to get ripped off by SOMEONE on their vacation. these baboons, however, seem to have no shame when it comes to even the locals.

“They break windows to get into houses … They even know how to open doors. And once inside, they make a mess. They empty the fridge, ruin furniture, and defecate all over … I have had them in my house several times, even while I was there. They simply brushed past me. I had to get out of the way … Even my husband got threatened by a baboon.”
what does “threatened” mean? because if the baboons bites you or lunges at you, that’s “attacked,” right? did the baboon throw up a gang sign at him?

but you know, maybe it’s the American in me, but i see a solution to all this “they simply brushed past me” talk: it’s calling “shooting a baboon in the face with a large-caliber handgun.” even the most hardcore baboon gang member respects that.

tiger cat looking annoyed
when you search the internet for “tiger cat,” this annoyed cat’s picture appears… probably because it is, you know, a REAL animal

‘tiger cat’ legend claws away at U.S. image

is this one of those over-the-top stories that i can simply just quote? i think it might be!

“To hunt the ferocious tiger cat on the Shomali plains north of Kabul, the capital, you must move through a maze of walled dirt alleys and dip into the icy fear that chills entire villages. Along the way, you must interrogate bombastic heroes who claim to have wrestled and killed these beasts single-handed, and sift conflicting descriptions of something like a big dog, or a fox or a cat.”
okay, so far this might just be a series of tales about a possibly fictional, outlandish cat. not that extreme, right?

“Whatever it is that is terrifying the villagers on this verdant plain studded with fruit trees and land mines, people here agree on whose fault it is: the U.S. military’s.”
that’s right: just another possibly fictional, outlandish cat that’s to be blamed on the US military. wait, what?

“At times, the alleged American motives for releasing the pisho palang and supposed delivery methods strain common sense. “We heard that foreigners are releasing them at night from planes to eat people. We heard that usually the tiger cats attack the throat and drink all the blood,” said Mohammad Saber, also from Saidkhail. Air delivery? But wouldn’t the fall kill the cats? “They fly really low,” said Koko Gul, 20, of nearby Monara village, holding his hands a foot from the ground, “and they just drop the cats onto the ground.”

Fazul Rahim, 28, of Saidkhail, said he knew a man who caught a pisho palang in a net. It had some kind of foreign stamp on its rump, he claimed. “And some American came and he wanted to buy it for $5,000, but my friend wouldn’t sell it,” Rahim said. He refused $5,000 for a cat? “Yes. He said, ‘Right now, they’re paying $5,000, but maybe later they’ll pay more,'” Rahim recounted.”
seriously, if i was going to make up an outrageous story involving mysterious and deadly cats and the US military, i could not top this. it boggles my mind to consider that people say these things while considering them to be factually accurate. and it’s not like this article gets any more logical (beyond times when Americans are declaring “fuck no, we don’t use mysterious cats”):

“In Qoochi village north of Kabul, Gul Afraz, 50, tells a rollicking tale, waving his arms, leaping up at times, to illustrate his heroism in bare-handedly wrestling and killing a pisho palang that had attacked a boy three or four months ago. The tiger cat “attacked like an alcoholic man,” he began. “He went for my throat. I grabbed his throat with my left hand and beat him to the ground and put my left knee on his belly.”
i simply do not understand what “attacked like an alcoholic man” means. i am not going to pretend otherwise.

“”I had a pocketknife in my pocket; I opened it with my teeth and I stabbed him in the head again and again. And then he died.” Gul Afraz says he buried the body. He mentions an Afghan magazine with his name in it and a picture of the pisho palang. But it was merely a crudely drawn artist’s impression, a Dracula-feline cross with big fangs, terrifying expression and arched back.”
ahahaha … this is the best proof of a cat’s existence ever, and totally in keeping with the factual nature of the other claims.

let’s close with this travesty:


i can’t even get mad about the bashing of the Welsh. that might actually be accurate.

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3 Responses to nature’s combat style: “attack like an alcoholic man”

  1. Duane Toole says:

    I was once incredulous at your description of an encounter with a group of wild turkeys. Later that description was thoroughly validated by videos of wild turkeys attacking people. I was humbled.

    Now I tend to believe what you say, though it may thoroughly obscure logic. Even so, there is a bit of the Welshman in my background that is offended…

  2. FollenAngel says:

    yay!! i found that picture.. i knew you’d enjoy it.

  3. janklow says:

    wild turkeys are just plain CRAZY

    and yes, that cat is adorable, fine, you win

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