dogs: immune to water? even lots of water? apparently

since i don’t like to watch cable news (its incredible accuracy being too much for me to withstand), i tend to get all my news from a combination of the internet, issues of the Economist and random guys at the airport, the latter easily being the most accurate of all. the problem with all this is, basically, that the news is fucking depressing. i don’t want to read the same-old, same-old about politics and society and world events, but if i don’t, i feel like i am somehow neglecting my intellectual development, despite the fact that, to be honest, i don’t really need to know about the real estate market in Kenya being affected by piracy. luckily for me, the news is sometimes flavored with the outlandish adventures of dogs … and today was one of those times.

ice-riding shepherd-mix
yeah… that dog does look absolutely distressed

dog almost gone before sailors rescue him

“It was the trip of a lifetime for a lucky dog, but it’s almost certainly not one he would want to take again. The dog somehow made his way onto the icy waters of the Vistula River in Poland, drifting about 62 miles toward the Baltic Sea, where temperatures have dipped in places to minus 29 degrees.

He was first spotted by firefighters on the riverside, but they were unable to reach him. Eventually he was seen, looking lost and bewildered, on an ice floe about 18 miles out to sea by the crew of a Polish boat named Baltica.”

18 miles out to sea? are you serious? ridiculous! but also very heartening, because if there’s one thing we love, it’s dogs, and if there’s two things we love, it’s dogs and the shenanigans they get into. this is why, even on that all-important cable news, we can drop everything to freak out about dogs (see also: Shepard Smith and his “Great Puppy Watch”, which is crazy). and for good reason, because dogs never bother me about fucking health care or fucking Sarah Palin’s excellence or any of the myriad of things that those crazy Lyndon LaRouche guys are always going on about.

this story also goes on to note the dog’s primary reaction as he was being rescued was to show fear; while i am sure the Polish sailors involved thought it was fear of a watery grave, perhaps the dog simply feared losing the icy domain he’d carved out for himself? after all, if there’s one thing that the internet has taught us, it’s that there’s a very solid chance dogs are totally immune to the effects of the ocean. you doubt this? well…

Australian cattle dog
this dog would describe itself as “chillaxin'” and not really care how you felt about that term

dog reunited with owners after four-month island goat feast

brief tangent: if you were to replace “owners” with “close friends and family,” i would totally wish that this news story was about me. four-month island goat feast! excellent! but let’s calm down, because this story was a little more serious (or as serious as stories about dogs and their four-month island goat feasts get):

“Owner Jan Griffith said her family were devastated when their cattle dog, Sophie Tucker, fell off the side of their boat in choppy waters off the Mackay coast in north Queensland in late November. But unbeknown to them, their hardy hound swam five nautical miles to St Bees Island, where she survived until last week by hunting baby goats. She was last week returned to her family after rangers captured what they believed was a wild dog.”

swam five nautical miles? are you serious? ridiculous! although in fairness, we ARE talking about an Australian cattle dog, a breed so hardy that all established scientific evidence indicates their ability to not only survive a nuclear holocaust, but then thrive and, you know, help fight bandits.

see? after all that, you haven’t even had time to get all worked up about the same old political/social/whatever nonsense that everyone’s going to be arguing about tomorrow at work. or even focus on the distracted, slapped-together nature of this week’s update. and all thanks to dogs!

dayz of wayback: AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted

DISCLAIMER: we’re going to get into some high-speed, low-drag conversation about rap albums here, so J.Miles, you may want to come back next week. frankly, i admit it’s poor business for me to alienate 50% of my readership here, but it is what it is. if i don’t occasionally do this, it becomes difficult to produce the 52 updates i manage to in a year.

anyway, i think we all know that i’m prone to rocking some nostalgic rap albums as i drive to work, and today was no exception: for whatever reason, i decided to run through a marathon of Ice Cube’s works on the trusty Zune this past morning. now, granted, i think i have touched on this before once or twice, but i suppose the fact that it and the accompanying EP Kill At Will (especially if you’re like me and re-bought all of the remastered versions of Cube’s albums and thus have a AMW/KAW value-pack effect going on) are turning 20 years old this year brought this rant up again. 20 years old! ridiculous! where did all the time go? anyway, the album still rocks and all that, but the sad part of the nostalgia is knowing that the creation of this album will never be duplicated. no one’s ever going to make another record like this, and that’s a little sad because it’s a great record. but enough build-up; let’s cut right to the listicle!

13 reasons why no one will ever make another Ice Cube’s “AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted” (and, to a lesser extent, another “Kill At Will”)

AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted
Ice Cube: still angry, still young, still rocking the Jheri curl. it must be 1990

13. because, by definition, this is a unique event that cannot be duplicated
wow, way to be fucking anal-retentive to start off my playful listicle! this is certainly the pathway to hilarious and enlightening comedy!

12. because of the album’s notable quantities of unabashed anti-radio sentiment
basically, it boils down to this: AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted was a major release from Capitol/Priority and yet, at the time, it could still be filled with songs with titles like “Turn Off The Radio” and still be expected to do good business. whether this was due to the capitalizing on the newness of that profane, gritty NWA era of hip-hop records or simply the fact that back in 1990, an album could be more than a selection of hot singles is irrelevant; no one is letting you spend this kind of time and money on a record that doesn’t at least TRY to court some radio play in 2010.

11. because of this album’s reference to “sticking a fucking tape in it” and tape decks in general
in the song we just mentioned (“Turn Off The Radio”), Ice Cube gives his listeners that advice; presumably this tape includes excellent music and not people singing about lovers, which i certainly don’t want to hear when i’m out there kicking it with the brothers. (and who would?) on the next track, Ice Cube is the one with “Fuck Tha Police in the tape deck,” which, perhaps unsurprisingly, results in some police harassment. but while these concepts may remain 2010, tape decks don’t. no one is making an album filled with references to them. sorry.

10. because of the album’s production including notable quantities of sampling
in short, Ice Cube went out and got Public Enemy’s well-renowned Bomb Squad to do the production for this album, and as we all know, the Bomb Squad in 1990 was a team of sample-loving fiends. now whatever you feel about sampling (white people tend to feel it’s a sign that you lack musical talent, whereas i tend to feel that’s a sign that they lack rhythm), the fact is that in 2010 people are just not getting away with chopping up 40+ songs to make an album. even if it sounds awesome when you do so.

Ice Cube and his AK
this is back in the days when it WASN’T a good day. because Cube DID have to use his AK. eh, whatever, you get the joke

09. because of the album’s production including another type of sampling
so here’s the thing: there was this time when many albums i listened to, be they rap or rock or country (well, not country) had a lot of miscellaneous samples from the news or films or whatever else someone could dig up tossed onto the tracks as part of the overall atmosphere. i think this was the 1990s. anyway, i personally found it endearing and/or a fitting part of the songs in question, and maybe i’m overlooking this kind of thing in modern music, because it DOES still happen. still, i’m pretty sure it used to happen a lot more, so maybe that list item should read “because of the album’s production including a LOT of another type of sampling?”

08. because of this album spawning subordinate acts in a way that doesn’t happen anymore
now, it’s not like the modern rappers don’t still have their crews or posses of friends and colleagues showing up on their records, or even getting to make their own albums. still, usually they’re either limited in a way that we all recognize (as in, everyone’s got that one Tony Yayo-type friend who’s on a song or two, but who should never get their own album released) or have to prove their merits in a legitimate fashion. but AMW spawned a couple of albums for Da Lench Mob, who never proved to be that talented and made the same kind of furious album that Ice Cube is… and still had the first one go gold. i don’t know, maybe this seems contradictory (because rap crews will always occasionally get a shot), but i can’t see a big label saying “oh, sure, let’s have your crazy militant buddies get loose on a big release for us this quarter” these days … well, anyway, no one says “posse” anymore. so let’s change it to that one.

07. because of the Jay Dee/J-Dee factor
drawing off the Lench Mob matter, he’s in jail and i don’t think he’s getting out any time soon … so in 2010, no one is making an album featuring Jay Dee. no one is releasing a record with a J-Dee guest verse. sorry.

06. because of Ice Cube willing rapping over other people’s beats on a commercial release
this is actually sort of about Kill At Will more than AMW, but let’s pretend it applies to both. now, on Kill At Will, Ice Cube dropped a priceless song called “Jackin’ For Beats,” in which he kicked his original verses over a smattering of other people’s instrumentals. now, obviously the aforementioned sampling issue applies here, but more to the point is that i think, for some reason, artists and record labels don’t see how awesome it would actually be for talented rappers to rap over excellent but unoriginal beats for commercial gain. Sticky Fingaz and Crooked I both had their own priceless “Jackin For Beats” tracks (the latter being a seemingly unending list of older tracks) … but they weren’t on album as a commercial release. and i think we all know this tactic works on mixtapes, right? so why not dig up some beats kids these days wouldn’t even recognize, right?

Ice Cube and his Jheri curl
Jheri curl sighted; it must still be pre-Death Certificate Cube on the loose

05. because of Ice Cube’s prominent Jheri curl hairstyle on the cover
not that i have any room to talk about another man’s hairstyle, but it’s not a good look. it’s good that the Jheri curl era ended (not that the hi-top fade was much better), but Ice Cube from 1988-1990 rocked one pretty strongly. sure, he’d later “cut that Jheri juice and get a bald head,” but not in 1990, when he was still appearing on album covers clad in all black with that Jheri curl subtly, but clearly, on display for the masses. and while some trends and fashions enjoy resurgences… well, i think it’s a pretty safe bet to assume the Jheri curl is not going to be one of them.

04. because this album treats hooks and choruses with disdain
seriously, in 2010 some A&R would listen to this album in its completed, awesome form and wonder why there weren’t more R&B dudes signing hooks on it. it doesn’t need that shit, it’s absolutely better because it lacks that shit, and ultimately i think the result is a lot more verses actually showing up on songs and a lot less of some second-rate singer trying to make his big break out of his brief appearance on the record. the “fuck you, Ice Cube” call-and-response (complete with, you guessed it, random samples) is a lot better than a couple of lines from an R&B singer could be. and really, it’s not so much that a sung hook is terrible … it’s that people just assume it’s necessary in this day and age.

03. because you’re not allowed to have a non-regional sound in your region anymore
AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted doesn’t sound like the Chronic (or any of Dre’s production before or after it); it doesn’t sound like any other “definitive West Coast sound” either, because it’s not: Ice Cube always sounds a little different from the West, but especially here, when the production is in the hands of such East Coasters as Sadler and Shocklee and the other Shocklee. and you can’t do that anymore, because if your album doesn’t sound stereotypically like where you could from, you’re on someone’s dick. and if that doesn’t sound bad to you, well, being on someone’s dick is considered a bad thing. The More You Know.

02. because this album features Flavor Flav as a serious musical artist
i mean, okay, he’s still fucking around and talking about his dick and stuff here, but more to the point: in 1990, Flavor Flav was CONSIDERED a serious artist. Public Enemy still sold a ton of records (Fear Of A Black Planet was practically brand new when AMW dropped) and Flavor Flav was still acknowledged as a hype man in that context, as opposed to what people think about him today, when he is not allowed to be taken seriously at all. really, he’s the best hype man to ever do it (the playful foil that makes Chuck D’s moralizing human and fun) and all anyone talks about is his television show. and that’s not changing in 2010 either.

Ice Cube, circa 2010
now THERE’S the 2010 Ice Cube i know: wearing something other than all black, even smiling in a picture

01. because of the general societal acceptance of Cube, obviously
in 1988, when NWA dropped Straight Outta Compton, Ice Cube was a furious 19-year-old; in 1990, when he dropped AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted, not much had changed. and making angry music with a serious attempt at social commentary was basically his theme for the next few years. but somewhere in there, Ice Cube got older and a little chubbier and mellowed out some, and people stopped being so taken aback by his mere mention … and there’s no going back to the old Cube now. maybe this is some upbeat message about an improvement in society where such a circumstance isn’t possible or necessary anymore, but i am not convinced; still, the fact remains there’s no way he’ll ever be that angry 21-year-old Ice Cube ever again. or hell, even an angry 41-year-old. for crying out loud, the man played the lead in Are We There Yet? AND Are We Done Yet? he’s practically dead!

whew! got that out of my system! okay, real update next week, i swear!

at least Dances With Wolves didn’t cause so many fantasies of being Cosner

once again in an update here on house of hate: there’s going to be a lot of bitching about Americans and/or my dislike for them. this one, i admit, is inspired by something i originally assumed to be a joke; when i first saw the link’s title, before i saw anything else about it, i assumed it was another hilarious article from an actual comedy website like the Onion. but you know what they say about the word “assume” … and if you don’t, well, let’s just say it’s a combination of a sad, terrible pun and a reflection on the poor decision you made when you assumed something in the first place.

Audiences experience ‘Avatar’ blues

Avatar's audience
the best and most American thing about this picture: some fat dude eating a pizza in the theater. maybe i just don’t ever go to theaters that sell you pizzas?

now, i’m not going to waste any time ranting about Avatar. it’s made a ridiculous amount of money; it doesn’t deserve to at all due to the quality of the writing and plot, except for the fact that it does because it’s obviously put asses in the seats; it’s got the whole messy Dances-With-Wolves/Pocahontas thing going on … in summation, it’s clearly a wildly profitable mess. i will probably never see it and that’s all well and good. we’re not here to complain about the film, not really. we’re here for this:

James Cameron’s completely immersive spectacle “Avatar” may have been a little too real for some fans who say they have experienced depression and suicidal thoughts after seeing the film because they long to enjoy the beauty of the alien world Pandora.
stop the fucking boat, because i need to get off. “experienced depression and suicidal thoughts” after seeing the beauty of the fictional world in the film? this is absolutely terrible.

brief tangent: this is, in fact, reminiscent of an article i mocked YEARS ago (we’re talking 2002 or so, and i know the post i’m referring to isn’t on the website anymore) that talked about a woman who was waiting in line for tickets to Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones … who was renaming herself “Darth Maul” because, and i’m paraphrasing here, “Darth Maul gives me the strength to live my life” … and who was spending thousands of dollars on a Darth Maul costume … and who was able to wait for tickets because she was UNEMPLOYED. this Avatar article reminds me of that SW:AOTC article because i am torn between “this person or person’s sentiments should NEVER be celebrated in print” and “if i was there to do a story about waiting in line for SW:AOTC or watching Avatar, and someone said some ridiculous shit to ME like this, i would damn sure write about it.”

but back to the matter at hand:

On the fan forum site “Avatar Forums,” a topic thread entitled “Ways to cope with the depression of the dream of Pandora being intangible,” has received more than 1,000 posts from people experiencing depression and fans trying to help them cope. The topic became so popular last month that forum administrator Philippe Baghdassarian had to create a second thread so people could continue to post their confused feelings about the movie.
now, “more than 1,000 posts from people experiencing depression and fans trying to help them cope” isn’t really a large number. it could be one dude who’s bummed out and one dude trying to help him talking for the whole 1001 posts. but i still remain disgusted.

“I wasn’t depressed myself. In fact the movie made me happy ,” Baghdassarian said. “But I can understand why it made people depressed. The movie was so beautiful and it showed something we don’t have here on Earth. I think people saw we could be living in a completely different world and that caused them to be depressed.”
i just have two brief points to make here: a) it didn’t show something we don’t have on Earth, because here on Earth we DO have science-fiction movies that are CLEARLY fictitious; and b) no, we could not “be living in a completely different world” when that world is a FICTIONAL one with, oh, let’s single out the dragons. this is not some “we could be living in a completely different world where there is no fear and no hate” hippie bullshit, which is highly improbably but TECHNICALLY possible (like communism). no, this is “never did and never will” exist kind of world.

Godfather Part II
ever since i went to see ‘Godfather Part II’ i have been depressed … i can’t stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers i got from it

A post by a user called Elequin expresses an almost obsessive relationship with the film. “That’s all I have been doing as of late, searching the Internet for more info about ‘Avatar.’ I guess that helps. It’s so hard I can’t force myself to think that it’s just a movie, and to get over it, that living like the Na’vi will never happen. I think I need a rebound movie,” Elequin posted.
this guy… this guy is describing this film as if it was a beautiful, smart woman whom he had a loving relationship with, and that relationship just ended. but we’re not talking about that; we’re talking about a 162-minute movie. you do not need a rebound movie! hell, it’s not even like this guy just watched the Godfather Part II and thought “wow, i’ll never see another gangster movie as good,” and now just watches Goodfellas and Casino with an empty heart, which is a creepy but VALID analogy. he’s this broken up about some shitty sci-fi romp!

A user named Mike wrote on the fan Web site “Naviblue” that he contemplated suicide after seeing the movie. “Ever since I went to see ‘Avatar’ I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na’vi made me want to be one of them. I can’t stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it,” Mike posted. “I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in ‘Avatar.’ “
this guy… this guy makes me wonder if it’s wrong of me to hope that he DOES attempt suicide in an effort to be “rebirthed in Pandora.” look, Mike, you’re supposed to be this depressed over unrequited love or a traumatic loss or some sort of life-long failure (like, your dream is to be a banker, but you’ve never managed to live this probably-unreasonable-but-TECHNICALLY-possible dream, so suicide becomes a sweet release), not because you cannot be a fictional blue cat-alien of some sort. this is not how this depression game works!

Other fans have expressed feelings of disgust with the human race and disengagement with reality.
this is the part of the article i DO understand, because after reading the above, i am feeling at least the former very strongly.

Cameron’s movie, which has pulled in more than $1.4 billion in worldwide box office sales and could be on track to be the highest grossing film of all time, is set in the future when the Earth’s resources have been pillaged by the human race. A greedy corporation is trying to mine the rare mineral unobtainium from the planet Pandora, which is inhabited by a peace-loving race of 10-foot tall, blue-skinned natives called the Na’vi. In their race to mine for Pandora’s resources, the humans clash with the Na’vi, leading to casualties on both sides. The world of Pandora is reminiscent of a prehistoric fantasyland, filled with dinosaur-like creatures mixed with the kinds of fauna you may find in the deep reaches of the ocean. Compared with life on Earth, Pandora is a beautiful, glowing utopia.
here are some brief reasons why one should know this “Pandora” is not a beautiful dream world it’s reasonable to be obsessed with:
–beautiful dream worlds don’t have shitty names for their materials like “unobtanium”;
–beautiful dream worlds don’t have shitty names for themselves like “Pandora”;
–beautiful dream worlds should have a reasonable back story for why “dinosaur-like creatures” are mixing freely with the equivalent of humans on this world, which i will never really know because i won’t watch this film, except that i DO know Cameron didn’t bother with this.

Star Wars
when i woke up this morning after watching Star Wars for the first time yesterday, the world seemed … gray. it was like my whole life, everything i’ve done and worked for, lost its meaning

Ivar Hill posts to the “Avatar” forum page under the name Eltu. He wrote about his post-“Avatar” depression after he first saw the film earlier this month. “When I woke up this morning after watching Avatar for the first time yesterday, the world seemed … gray. It was like my whole life, everything I’ve done and worked for, lost its meaning,” Hill wrote on the forum. “It just seems so … meaningless. I still don’t really see any reason to keep … doing things at all. I live in a dying world.”
this guy… THIS GUY BETTER BE AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD CHILD. because there’s no other reason for such a reaction. and here’s another question: did these Avatar fans never see another sci-fi film that took their breath away? did they not watch a Star Wars film, get swept up in the magic, and wander around their home aimlessly because their lives lost meaning? actually, i think i know a bunch of Star Wars fans like that, and here at the house of hate, we thrive on cheap jokes at their expense.

Reached via e-mail in Sweden where he is studying game design, Hill, 17, explained that his feelings of despair made him desperately want to escape reality. “One can say my depression was twofold: I was depressed because I really wanted to live in Pandora, which seemed like such a perfect place, but I was also depressed and disgusted with the sight of our world, what we have done to Earth. I so much wanted to escape reality,” Hill said.
i really, really want to go back to my earlier comment wherein i imply that these fans are making me “depressed and disgusted with the sight of our world” at this point.

Cameron’s special effects masterpiece is very lifelike, and the 3-D performance capture and CGI effects essentially allow the viewer to enter the alien world of Pandora for the movie’s 2½-hour running time, which only lends to the separation anxiety some individuals experience when they depart the movie theater.
“essentially allow the viewer to enter the alien world of Pandora.” yes, this is how movies work. it’s not a new development.

“Virtual life is not real life and it never will be, but this is the pinnacle of what we can build in a virtual presentation so far,” said Dr. Stephan Quentzel, psychiatrist and Medical Director for the Louis Armstrong Center for Music and Medicine at Beth Israel Medical Center in New York. “It has taken the best of our technology to create this virtual world and real life will never be as utopian as it seems onscreen. It makes real life seem more imperfect.”
it takes a psychiatrist and medical director to tell me that a vastly-expensive sci-fi movie made in 2010 by a director who, if nothing else, is well-known for his love of and devotion to high-quality special effects is “the pinnacle of what we can build in a virtual presentation so far?” this is what we call a “obvious fact.” more to the point: why is the psychiatrist not immediately weighing in with “these fucking Avatar fans are fucking CRAZY” or something alone those lines? don’t validate their feelings!

Stephen Lang
Stephen Lang as Stonewall Jackson in Gods & Generals. i KNEW there was a reason i hated this guy

Fans of the movie may find actor Stephen Lang, who plays the villainous Col. Miles Quaritch in the film, an enemy of the Na’vi people and their sacred ground, an unlikely sympathizer. But Lang says he can understand the connection people are feeling with the movie.
why … why would they find him “an unlikely sympathizer?” he is not the actual villain he plays in the movie! Col. Miles Quaritch is not real! the corporation in the movie he supports is not real! for crying out loud, AVATAR IS NOT REAL!

“Pandora is a pristine world and there is the synergy between all of the creatures of the planet and I think that strikes a deep chord within people that has a wishfulness and a wistfulness to it,” Lang said. “James Cameron had the technical resources to go along with this incredibly fertile imagination of his and his dream is built out of the same things that other peoples’ dreams are made of.”
you know, i don’t think this quote has anything to do with the article. it’s almost like the author took a random quote from Lang discussing the project he’d worked on and threw it into the article as if his praising description of Cameron’s film was somehow agreeing with and/or justifying the statements of these crazy fans. maybe i’m wrong. maybe Lang does completely sympathize with these … fans. but i have suspicions here.

The bright side is that for Hill and others like him — who became dissatisfied with their own lives and with our imperfect world after enjoying the fictional creation of James Cameron — becoming a part of a community of like-minded people on an online forum has helped them emerge from the darkness. “After discussing on the forums for a while now, my depression is beginning to fade away. Having taken a part in many discussions concerning all this has really, really helped me,” Hill said. “Before, I had lost the reason to keep on living — but now it feels like these feelings are gradually being replaced with others.”
ah, how did i know that the INTERNET would somehow allow a collective of miscreants to band together for moral support? all i know is that it’s a moral certainty that these Na’vi-lovers will be covering themselves in blue paint and having greasy, unpleasant sexual intercourse in motel rooms as they pant “oh, Neytiri” and “oh, Jake Sully” into each other’s faces. and for this, i blame James Cameron.

Quentzel said creating relationships with others is one of the keys to human happiness, and that even if those connections are occurring online they are better than nothing. “Obviously there is community building in these forums,” Quentzel said. “It may be technologically different from other community building, but it serves the same purpose.”
“internet communities aren’t as good as other communities, but are better than nothing.” huh. Quentzel, i am going to have to request that you turn in your fucking diploma and any other “psychiatrist credentials” you have, because this is just terrible. just … terrible.

furries
replace some or all of these furries with furries pretending to be Na’vi and this is the kind of picture that will be on the internet in the near future

Within the fan community, suggestions for battling feelings of depression after seeing the movie include things like playing “Avatar” video games or downloading the movie soundtrack, in addition to encouraging members to relate to other people outside the virtual realm and to seek out positive and constructive activities.
it certainly sounds to me like some people who may, you know, WORK FOR TWENTIETH CENTURY-FOX are at work here. “depressed because Avatar isn’t real? BUY THE GAME. BUY THE SOUNDTRACK. uh… wait and then BUY THE BLU-RAY DVD.” and you know, i salute these hard-working sales professionals, who at least aren’t lying around their homes feeling sorry for themselves because they’re not 10-foot-tall cat-aliens who sound like Sam Worthington. or whoever. goddamnit, this is all so ridiculous.

advice for Avatar fanatics seeking positive and constructive activities: suck it the fuck up and acknowledge that you cannot live in a movie. please get on this right away. thanks in advance.

coming in 2010: uh… quick, find some filler for this spot…

over here at the house of hate, we’ve been working hard to come up with some new, fresh updates for the year 2010, with “new” and “fresh” of course meaning “only moderately redundant and/or based on the work of others” and “updates” being an ancient Indian word meaning “listicles.” but no matter, we’ve been furiously brainstorming away over here on such topics such as the illustrious Bill Hicks and coming up with material that gleefully references Sergeant Stubby and a “frustrated rock musician with a messianic complex, armed to the teeth and trying to fuck everything that moves.” and by “furiously brainstorming,” i mean drinking with the Irishman, the source of a good 13% of the random topics here.

however, in case you couldn’t tell where all this was going… i don’t have any of these new, fresh topics primed up to start off 2010 (note that i am not counting last week’s update as a “real” 2010 update), so we’re going to have to wing it on this one. time to drink a whole lot of absinthe, eat a pomegranate and see what happens!

some AK-related products that janklow really would like to consider getting

really? that’s the topic? well, fuck it, then, let’s do this thing.

some AK-related products that janklow really would like to consider getting

AK-47 mp3 player
i do actually doubt that this product will make militants and terrorists “chill out and take it easy”

AK-47 mp3 player
to be honest, the weird thing here is NOT really the concept of an mp3 player built into an AK magazine that can supposedly be attached to the rifle in place of an ordinary magazine; this is just weird and, frankly, i would consider buying it on impulse. what IS really weird is that it’s a UK company (audiobooksforfree.com) that came up with the idea. doesn’t the very idea of touching a firearm cause British people to burst into flames? although maybe that explains why their first reaction to seeing some AK magazines was “hey, maybe we can make an mp3 player out of this!”
likelihood of janklow buying this: not great. supposedly it retails for $350, which, frankly, is a little bit too much for me to pay for an mp3 player. more to the point might be the fact that i already own America’s greatest mp3 player: an old-school 30GB Zune.

AK-47 cake
there’s about no way this can’t be the world’s most delicious cake

AK-47 cake
apparently this cake was manufactured for one (1) Eric Trump, who is apparently both the child of notorious douchebag Donald Trump AND someone who has taste in cakes that i will now describe as “totally boss,” because we’re bringing back “boss” as an adjective in 2010. i don’t really know what’s going on with the camouflage heart and the dead bird, but these really pale in comparison with the glorious AK that exists in cake form. at this point, i don’t even mind not knowing what KIND of cake it is; i will simply assume it’s delicious and keep my figures crossed in the hopes it doesn’t contain coconut.
likelihood of janklow buying this: mixed. i am certainly not going pay some Lara Lea Confections some surely ridiculous amount of money for a fancy cake (especially if random dead birds might appear on it for no reason). but maybe i could convince someone i know (like, say, my sister) to MAKE me a cake like this? who knows!

Kalashnikov vodka
and even the case is ridiculously awesome as well

AK-shaped bottle filled with Kalashnikov vodka
that’s right: the man who came up with the excellent AK-47 rifle in the first place has now licensed his name to a brand of vodka that shares his name. do i need to say anything more to make it clear what an awesome product that is? plus, the above link shows a sweet photo of a AK-shaped bottle that is presumably packed to the brim with the delicious stuff in question.
likelihood of janklow buying this: given how much i love Kalashnikov and vodka, i would buy the living hell out of this product. unfortunately, i get the distinct impression it’s not THAT widely of a distributed product in these United States. so either it’s only a matter of time until i can buy it (at which point i will, quote, “buy the living hell out of this product”) or else we’re going to remain in this teasing limbo of not easily being able to buy it. or maybe i’m just headed to 8637 Ziggy Lane in Gaithersburg ASAP?

flag of Mozambique
possibly the world’s greatest flag

flag of Mozambique
basically, it’s a colorful flag that has an AK on it. and, for whatever reason, it even has its own Wikipedia page, which dispenses such facts as it being “the only national flag in the world to feature such a modern rifle!”
likelihood of janklow buying this: high. i currently rock a couple of flags on my walls as is, and i really, really do like being ridiculous in such a fashion. an internet purchase might be imminent, although this would open the floodgates to my purchase of a Hezbollah flag and (somehow) of Zimbabwean and East Timorean coats of arms. and all the yellow in that Hezbollah flag would make it SUCH a fashion tragedy.

so there we have it: a world of AK-themed dreams that will probably never be realized! except for the flag thing. oh, and maybe the vodka thing. oh well, we’ll really try our best to have a real update for you next time, i swear.

resolution for 2010: acquire more DINOSAURS BUCKET

this past week i sort of accidentally took a vacation from writing on this here blog due to a random and unforeseen combination of work and familial gatherings and, as is usual, “awkward Christmas moments.” it’s also fair to say that the latter is a bit of a tease, because we’re not going to be getting into any of THAT. what we will be getting into is “ridiculous stuff that our hero janklow got for Christmas.” it’s pretty common amongst my immediate family to give little weird gifts alongside the real ones that we then all laugh about, so i figured that, for lack of a better topic, we could discuss the 2009 haul of randomness here.

2009 Christmas gifts, part 01

exhibit A: set of dinnerware for little children that like the Raiders
or, more specifically, a Raiders-themed “Little Sport’s Dinner Set.” this wouldn’t be a weird gift if janklow was, you know, a five-year-old (or at least was ACTUALLY a five-year-old instead of merely only being a mental one when it comes to things like CHINESE DINOSAURS)… but of course he is not. and really, this gift was a set-up for the following joke: i open this fancy bag that my sibling gives me to reveal a Little Sport’s Dinner Set. my sister then immediately giggles and yells “it’s for you because you’re little!” but the joke is on her, because 5’6″ is not little, it’s a TOTALLY NORMAL HEIGHT.

exhibit B: plastic musket that shoots fire
it’s a little plastic musket… that shoots fire. do i already have lighters aplenty? yes. is there really a legitimate reason for me to have a little plastic musket that shoots fire? eh, not really, unless you count “anything that makes fire is cool on some level” as a legitimate reason, which i do. but now i have it and that is that.

exhibit C: book of zombie Christmas carols
again, not THAT weird if you consider the fact that janklow is TOTALLY obsessed with zombies, but it’s still weird when you get a book entitled “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like ZOMBIES!” for the holidays, especially when such a book contains reworkings like “Rudolph, the Zombie Reindeer,” “Have Yourself A Medulla Oblongata,” and my favorite, “Good King Wenceslas Tastes Great.” it’s still not as ridiculous as the year i got a packet of glow-in-the-dark zombies… but it does contain heartwarming photos like this:

zombie puppy

awww… i wish i had a zombie puppy.

2009 Christmas gifts, part 02

exhibit D: pro-Raiders gnome
on the one hand, this is entirely appropriate: it’s something that promotes the Raiders and can thus go along with my Raiders blanket and Raiders pajamas and Raiders stocking and Raiders apparel (of all sorts) and so on. but on the other hand, this means that something presumed that all you had to do was slap a Raiders logo on ANYTHING (in this case, a garden gnome) and someone would buy it. and then someone did! and then they gave it to me! and i don’t really have a “garden” to put it in! so i’m thinking of buying a cactus and putting them right next to each other.

exhibit E: book of dinosaur tattoos
dinosaur tattoos! TEN WATERPROOF DINOSAUR TATTOOS! this is the best Christmas ever!

although… it can’t really be the BEST Christmas ever, because no one got me this awesome present that we gave to that Marine Corps toys-for-kids charity:

DINOSAURS BUCKET

DINOSAURS BUCKET! includes 61 pieces! includes 60 animals and accessories and 1 bucket! although i am not sure what those “accessories” were… but who cares! DINOSAURS BUCKET!

anyway… on to 2010. will this year suck as much as the last one? or as much as previous years? who knows!