because i’m spending a lot of my time this week involving with serious, demanding tasks like “tasting beers to figure out how best to describe them for sale” and “preparing to sell mass quantities of beer, weather permitting” and “unspecified Rumple-Minze-related activities,” i’m going to take the lazy approach this week and do the thing where i post up a bunch of random nonsense i’ve seen on the internet recently (that term may loosely apply in one of these cases) and make a little fun of it and/or get totally outraged by it. do i do this a lot? i do this a lot. but it’s for a good cause this week. so let’s get right to it:
rather than showing what Muhammad looked like in the bear costume, here’s the harmless original depiction of Muhammad from “Super Best Friends”
let’s start this thing off with me being completely fucking outraged. so here’s the brief recap: South Park once showed an image of Muhammad in season five’s episode “Super Best Friends” (as part of their Super Best Friends fighting the Blaintologists), and it was no big deal; Muhammad was just a regular dude in clothes using his fire powers to fight crime. later, however, Comedy Central would censor Muhammad in season ten episode, “Cartoon Wars Part II.” ironically, this episode had a plot point about, quote, “Kyle persuades a Fox executive to air the Family Guy with the image uncensored, while echoing Parker and Stone’s sentiments regarding what should or should not be censored.” the censorship was done by Comedy Central and is officially lame.
now that was bad enough, but when they came out with the fourteenth season episodes “200” and “201,” they AGAIN addressed this controversy, specifically noting how the season five episode was no big deal, and making a running joke of not showing Muhammad (although he was shown in the “censored” form from season ten a couple of times). Comedy Central THEN decided to FURTHER edit the episode “201” to bleep out ANY mention of Muhammad’s name, as well as… well, let me just quote Parker and Stone:
“In the 14 years weâ€™ve been doing South Park we have never done a show that we couldnâ€™t stand behind. We delivered our version of the show to Comedy Central and they made a determination to alter the episode. It wasnâ€™t some meta-joke on our part. Comedy Central added the bleeps. In fact, Kyleâ€™s customary final speech was about intimidation and fear. It didnâ€™t mention Muhammad at all but it got bleeped too. Weâ€™ll be back next week with a whole new show about something completely different and weâ€™ll see what happens to it.”
and then Comedy Central decides to not only not allow them to stream the show uncensored online, but ALSO goes back and stops the streaming of the season five episode where Muhammad was depicted. and all this because either a) some obscure radical Islamic group Revolution Muslim claimed that South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone “would probably end up like Theo Van Gogh,” a statement that should absolutely get some people thrown in jail and a challenge that, it seems, Parker and Stone welcome, b) Comedy Central is currently run by RAGING douchebags or c) all of the above.
so here’s basically my position at this point: fuck Comedy Central. now, i love South Park and so i will continue to watch it, but beyond that, from this point on, i will not watch any program that network airs. now, this gets tricky because a) i am ultimately going to support CC by watching South Park and b) i can’t really protest the larger company (Viacom) without having to protest other networks i generally enjoy… so ultimately i’m going to piss and moan about this and not accomplish much else. but now that the rest of you have heard how ANGRY i am, mission accomplished!
this man, who may or may not be the moral equivalent (or even superior) of Job, needs your help
basically, here’s the summation: Stephen Baldwin is a bad actor related to better actors, such as Alec Baldwin, who may be a disgusting human being, but who is at least a solid actor. somehow, possibly related to his inability to act, he has gone broke. however, he attributes this to his conservative, born-again beliefs. now, on the surface, okay, i can see the argument. Hollywood’s pretty liberal and it’s reasonable to assume that decisions cut against the more right-wing folk if all things are equal. i mean, if you’re going to hire a terrible fucking actor, go with one that you like personally, right?
now, this is where it gets strange (or at least stranger): Baldwin has set up a website to help combat his personal brokeness that attributes his total lack of spending money to him being born again: “However, because of this convictions it has caused him the loss of many jobs and the most recently, a highly publicized bankruptcy.” i would be remiss if i did not imply that his poor grammar there MIGHT have affected it in some ways as well, but let’s keep it moving. anyway, it strikes me that guys like Kirk Cameron have become religious as hell and not gone broke, even if that means being in only movies and projects that are, well, religious as hell. but i can’t expect anything that rational from a guy who compares himself to Job. that’s right, fucking JOB. seriously? seriously:
“The Story Behind The Vision: Job
Job was the most inflential man in the east, (Job 1-3) he was a man of great wealth who stood up for righteousness and his God. However, there came a period of time where Job went through great distress and testing. He lost his children, his health, his home and wealth. Throughout this pain and suffering, he stood in faithfulness to God and would not turn his back on Him. Because of his faithfulness, Job was instantly restored by “All Who Knew Him””
and yes, the “restored by “All Who Knew Him”” part transmutes to Job being restored by “Token Gifting.”
“How Was He Restored: Token Gifting
Everyone knows that God restored Job, but do they understand the mechanism of his restoration? Job was restored by the people. By “All Who Knew Him”. This website was created to see a rebirth of that mechanism. If the people of God come together and each give a small â€œToken Giftâ€ we can see a massive restoration of a Christian public figure and all the glory will go to God. Its simple, will you take part in the second ever All Who Know Him event?”
wow… just, wow. thou shalt not be so shameless, Stephen!
what i have tried to do here is find a really random, stereotypical picture of a disgusting Philly fan so that you can picture him as you read the next section
now, okay, i get that making fun of Philly fans of whatever sort they might be is a little bit of an old joke at this point (i mean, come on, the fuckers booed Santa Claus) and in some respects, makes me a slight bit defensive (let’s go Flyers! let’s go… well, 76ers, just try your best, and that’ll be good enough!). but sometimes they do something so over the top that i’ve just GOT to make note of it. and what, in a city of violent, loud, aggressive fans could now qualify as “over the top?” well…
The Easton, Pa., police captain [Michael Vangelo] had gone to a Phillies game with his two daughters. They were unlucky enough to sit near a couple of drunks, who kept cursing and spitting and sloshing beer. Vangelo complained to stadium officials, who hauled off one of the men. His partner, 21-year-old Matthew Clemmens … stayed behind and expressed his displeasure. He put his fingers down his throat and vomited on Vangelo and his 11-year-old daughter.
jesus fucking christ. what was Vangelo’s reaction?
“I never experienced anything like that before,” Vangelo said.
indeed! look, Philly fans, i get that you guys really do wear the “violent, loud, aggressive” thing as a badge of honor (the above article lists many additional classy moments in Philly fan history). you think i DON’T have pride in the fact that, for example, every NHL fan knows how ridiculous Flyers fans can make a game in Philly? still, i think we should all recognize that every behavior should have limits. so if we HAVE to vomit aggressively onto opposing fans (and i’m not even sure Vangelo IS an opposing fan)… maybe not onto the children? let’s leave them out of it?
unrelated note: as a child, i didn’t think i’d ever be using the phrase “vomit aggressively” on the internet. how times change!
this brings us to our new regular feature on house of hate: me posting random photos of smashed-up cars and then declaring “THOSE DAMN KIDS CAUSED THIS”
i think we all know i love to hate on this modern generation of those damn kids that won’t stay the hell off my lawn! some might even say it’s because of my salty nature and not because of anything those damn kids have done, although anyone who says THAT deserves to be smacked in the mouth due to their failure to recognize how terrible these damn kids are. still, i think i might have a story which, if accurate, will not fail to make my point.
so this 18-year-old named Kayla Gerdes was driving a van while full of OxyContin and then ran down and killed a 69-year-old woman who was a former doctor (and not the kind of Nazi doctor it’s cool to kill with impunity). this is pretty terrible and a solid reason to hate on kids, but what makes this really ridiculous is some of the choice comments she’s supposedly on the record as saying to investigators, such as:
–that “the thing that made me not feel so bad was, she was old,” which is NEVER the kind of thing you want to tell people investigated what time of crime you should be charged with;
–how she wanted “to see a newspaper of the news, to see what I look like,” which is just pathetic, basically;
–that supposedly, immediately following the fatal accident, she flagged down someone and declared “I’m late for court. You have to take me to court!” she was supposedly due to appear for “allegedly stealing her mom’s jewelry” … and the article claims she was NOT heading towards the appropriate courthouse;
now this kid probably just said all this dumb shit because she was high as hell (really) and i’m sure when she’s sober she probably realize what a MAJOR inconvenience it is to kill someone. i mean, that time in court is REALLY going to eat your day up now. damn kids!
okay! i think we’re done here for the week! time for some rest!