“the bear is the master of the Arctic”

i think i’m about to do this “pull random stuff off the internet and make light of it” thing for a couple of weeks in a row now, and i don’t even have any shame about it. sure, i could find something to blame it on (i’ve been on vacation for the past week, as long as for “vacation” you accept a definition of “sitting in my kiddie pool drinking beers” or something along those lines), but why bother? this is the kind of thing i like to do. so without further unnecessary lead-in… actually, i shouldn’t say “unnecessary.” it always feels necessary. but here’s the main article now.

Paris Hilton, America's most famous stupid whore
that’s right, we’re going to start things off again with another demonstrative image from our good friends at South Park

Paris Hilton “earned all this”

is it just far too easy to complain about Paris Hilton? i mean, the material is obvious: she’s famous for being famous, or famous for being a whore and/or blindingly stupid, and none of these things should be held in high esteem; she’s a disgrace to her distinguished family or something; South Park can do a much better job of this and i shouldn’t even try. all true. but since i’m bitching about random stuff on the internet, here’s the quote in question:

“”My house is kind of like a reflection of my life and my accomplishments and what I’ve done,” Paris says in her serious voice. “And I’ve done it all on my own. When my parents and my grandfather came over for the first time, I was so proud. It just feels good to like walk around and be like … I earned all this, you know? I see some of my friends I grew up with from rich families. Their parents spoiled them and they never made them work and just give them an allowance. And now they’re like 30 and still living off the parents, having to ask for everything, being on a budget. It’s nice to feel accomplished and independent. I don’t have to depend on anyone but myself.””

the one thing i will grant her –the ONE THING– is that she’s probably not living off her parents in the same way the other children of rich families are. but Jesus fucking Christ, this quote. can we not hear the “i’ve done it all on my own” comment in the same breath as “some of my friends I grew up with from rich families” or “their parents spoiled them and they never made them work?” really? YOUR PARENTS SPOILED YOU AS WELL. I DOUBT YOU WERE REQUIRED TO WORK AS A YOUTH. WHAT THE FUCK.

East Timor officers looking for... ninjas?
at least they’ll be ready for these “ninjas” when they find them; plus, i have to admit that it’s pretty cool to see some guys rocking the Steyr AUG in an actual, real world, non-movie situation

Timor police declare war on mysterious ‘ninjas’

let me cut right to the chase: ninjas are some of the most overrated garbage out there (a claim i base mainly on a combination of Spike television program hype, that fucking Vanilla Ice “Ninja Rap” abortion of a song, whatever the hell happened to Richard Chamberlain in Shogun, and every eight-year-old everywhere thinking “ninja”-anything is cool as hell) and i really want no part of them. but people are admittedly going to love them and go wild for them no matter what i personally say or do, so i might as well be an adult and come to terms with that fact. but all that being said, i thought we could all agree that ninjas are a) largely fictional and/or b) largely confined to Japan’s past. and yet we have this coming at us from East Timor:

“DILI — East Timor police have declared war on mysterious “ninjas” accused of murder and subversion in a new twist to the young country’s struggle to establish security. The latest whispers of ninjas to transfix the nation emerged after the murders of a 15-year-old girl in the western district of Bobonaro on December 22 and a baby boy in Covalima, also in the west, on January 19. Police chief Longuinhos Monteiro donned full military gear to lead the operation, telling reporters that “any ninjas who want to take us on, your final stop will be Santa Cruz cemetery”.

i couldn’t even get past processing the declaration of war on ninjas before that awesome “any ninjas who want to take us on” remark. i can’t hate on that. but this is still essentially really crazy; ninjas are seriously on the loose somewhere?

But many observers dismiss the ninja threat as a political game and suggest the authorities are using techniques of social control learned from the Indonesian army’s brutal 24-year occupation. “It’s a method used by the Indonesian military to limit the movement of the citizens,” said Rogerio Viegas Vicente, programme manager for leading Timorese human rights group HAK Association.

oh… well, that’s more plausible. but why ninjas? why not just say “terrorists” or something? everyone in the modern world accepts terrorists as a legitimate, viable classification of people that, you know, EXIST (except for those people that believe in “tiger cats,” but let’s just ignore them).

Indonesian death squads referred to as ninjas terrorised villagers and reports of masked ninjas committing crimes have persisted since formal independence in 2002. In 2008, residents of Dili and the northern coastal district of Liquica reported that ninjas were trying to kidnap their children.

okay, okay, so they’re not “the ninja of Japanese lore,” they’re Indonesian death squads. whew. except the messed-up part is that everyone seems to enjoy the concept of these ninjas being NINJAS and thus comments in a way that furthers that:

“The Australian government’s travel guidance advises citizens to avoid “martial arts groups” in East Timor — an apparent reference to youth gangs that have fought street battles in recent years.”

come on, “martial arts groups?” that HAS to be the sword-swinging, shuriken-throwing kind of ninja! or then we get statements that no man can take seriously, which then results in me making light of a serious social situation wherein people are getting abused and murdered:

“Police launched a full-scale anti-ninja operation-“ full-scale ANTI-NINJA operation? ahahahaha
“Twenty members of dissident political group CPD-RDTL and underground political organisation Bua-Malus were arrested on February 5 on suspicion of involvement in “ninja” activities.” involvement in “ninja” activities? ahahahaha
“An investigation by HAK researchers found evidence of police abuses including … “speaking sharply to people” who would not admit to being ninjas.” i’m not even going to repeat it, the joke is apparent. AHAHAHAHA

come on, East Timor, get it together.

Steny Hoyer and a classy University of Maryland, College Park mascot
seriously, i would probably prefer to vote for the mascot

Top Democrat Regrets Slamming Critics as Un-American

i’m going to be honest here and admit that i’m nitpicking with this complaint, largely because i don’t like Steny Hoyer very much; i frankly don’t care much for long-standing Democrat politicians from Maryland who, true or not, give me the impression that they feel entitled to “their” seat, and i can’t for the life of me think of some legislation that Hoyer’s pushed for that really made me happy. sorry, i’m petty like that. anyway, my beef comes from the contrast in these two passages:

“”That was not a good phrase, not a good use of language. It was not correct,” the Maryland Democrat said of an op-ed column he and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi wrote in USA Today last summer. The article was a response to protesters who disrupted town hall meetings on their party’s health care reform proposals, hanging members of Congress in effigy and railing against “death panels.”

Hoyer told reporters that while “there are some activities that are not consistent with civil engagement,” he said he regretted having read the column too quickly before approving it.”

so it’s stated that he regrets having said something in a column that he “wrote in USA Today last summer” … and then immediately that gets followed with “he regretted having read the column too quickly before approving it?” garbage. look, he didn’t write the op-ed, someone in his office (along with someone in Pelosi’s office) did, and he just approved it. so either say he wrote it and continue the illusion for the whole piece, or just call it something his office put out, okay? okay. now we’re all happy.

and now, let me close with this from a previous topic of mine: Vladimir Putin. why, it’s Vladimir Putin… comforting a polar bear?

Vladimir Putin and, yeah, a polar bear
yeah, comforting a polar bear

Vladimir Putin saves the Arctic polar bear in latest animal adventure

and that title isn’t comedic at all. this is what he does:

The action-man Prime Minister was filmed attaching a tracking device to a sedated polar bear and helping scientists to measure and weigh the animal during a visit to Franz Josef Land in Russia’s Arctic far north. Wearing a monogrammed red winter jacket, Mr Putin stroked the 230 kilogram (507 lb) bear and shook its paw, saying “be healthy”, while a commentator for state television told viewers that it could “wake up at any moment”. Mr Putin, who asserted Russia’s “profound interests” in the region during his visit, declared to the camera: “The bear is the master of the Arctic.”

AND PUTIN IS THE MASTER OF THE BEAR! well, at least this was more macho than Putin kind of, sort of denying that he is homosexual. that was much more awkward.

at this point, i think we should all make lists of things we want to see Vladimir Putin do. here’s my short one:
–pull a thorn from the foot of a magical talking lion, who may or may not give Putin all his treasure? (eh, it was the olden times);
–something involving giant squids, like wrestling one or harpooning one because he heard there was gold in its belly;
–travel through time, to the year 3010, and fight evil robot kings (and save the human race)

that’s right, my list is composed of completely unoriginal jokes. i hope you caught all the references! and that’ll do us for another week!

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