“Tab’s Got Sass”: the greatest slogan ever? survey says “YES”

somewhat recently, our hero janklow took part in one of those workplace events wherein all the various employees bring in some sort of food or drink for the workers as a whole; as befitting a man of my admittedly masculine cooking skills (although i suppose i could always, in any given situation, bake a pumpkin pie), i brought in some soft drinks. yes, this is basically the theme of this week’s update, so you might want to bail out now if it seems a little weak. ANYWAY, there was an assortment of selections, including Orange Crush, which i enjoy due to its tasty flavor and cartoon of a juicy orange slice. however, when our hero returned to eat himself, he found all of the Orange Crush had been immediately drunk and the pickings limited to Diet Coke. OUTRAGEOUS!

now, given that these employees violated a key tenet of life (Thou Shalt Not Drink All Of Janklow’s Orange Crush), what i’ve decided to do for the next one of these events is to get a selection of only the soft drinks i can’t picture anyone wanting to drink, and only bring THOSE in, and laugh uproariously as they wander around confused, wondering why anyone would do this to them. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY THEY WILL LEARN. so we have some contenders for this title:

Fresca
Fresca: “not widely available outside of North America”

Fresca
i actually feel a little guilty about bashing Fresca – “marketed in the United States as a calorie-free, grapefruit-flavored soft drink, ostensibly catering to discriminating adult tastes” – since while the majority of people i know seem to never want to drink it, my grandmother buys it all the time. this, however, results in my firsthand witnessing of people entering her basement to get some soft drinks and discovering … Black Cherry Fresca. none of them are ever pleasantly surprised.

the reasons why no one would want to drink it seem clear: who wants a grapefruit-flavored soda? i don’t know many people who are excited about ACTUAL grapefruit. and it’s established fact that when you make something sugar-free, you make it that much less popular (although apparently there’s a version of Fresca sold in Latin America that DOES contain sugar and is randomly known as “Mexican Fresca”). and the other flavors (black cherry and peach) seem better, but they ALSO remind me of this other old-lady peach soda my grandmother used to drink when i was much younger. also, i’ve never seen someone drink a Fresca and seem pleased about it, and i see relatives drink it all the time. well, okay, my grandmother seems to like it.

chances of people drinking this at work: not good. it really doesn’t even LOOK like a soda, despite the fact that it says “soda” right there on the can; if i had to guess, i’d assume it was some sort of medical water old people used to settle their stomachs. it might actually be that.

TaB
Tab: “a beautiful drink for beautiful people”

Tab
now, this does seem to have one thing in common with Fresca, according to the world’s most accurate encyclopedia: “Fresca has so far managed to defend its niche of the market, and, like Tab, can rely on a relatively small but loyal customer base.” which, quite frankly, is not a ringing endorsement of your product. “hey, only a few people like Tab, but those three guys REALLY like Tab.” meanwhile normal Americans are purchasing Coca-Cola left and right, guys. but i digress, we’re ripping on Tab here. it’s also worth noting that i’m not sure what Tab is “supposed to taste like”; the Wikipedia never mentions flavor, merely positioning it as the Coca-Cola diet soda from 1963 until the introduction of Diet Coke in 1982. they’re both still around, of course, but Diet Coke has a clear identity (as in, a diet version of Coca-Cola). what the fuck is Tab supposed to be about?

Tab honestly seems like the soda people HATE the most; colleagues and friends who have never tried Tab seemed appalled by the concept. i DO recall seeing an aunt of mine drinking this stuff back in the 1980s, but then again that might have just been a nightmare i had once, because i am also pretty sure i killed a velociraptor with a spear in the garden near my childhood home in the 1980s. it was a rough time and things are a little fuzzy.

chances of people drinking this at work: absolutely none. well, okay, i bet someone would drink ONE, but i just can’t fathom a scenario where people are plucking Tabs out of the fridge voluntarily. the Fresca would clearly look more appealing.

Squirt
Squirt: …uh, no thank you, mysterious box from the 1950s, i’d really rather not

Squirt
ah, Squirt. this soda is the comedy gift that keeps giving. obviously, no one takes it seriously when you say “oh, have you ever had Squirt?” although i did randomly meet a woman who DID seem familiar with it, and i have to admit, that shit was distressing. i mean, look at the description of this nonsense: created in 1938 by Herb Bishop, “his intention was to make a soft drink that required less fruit and sugar than other sodas.” so… less of the things that give it flavor and make it delicious? what’s the purpose of that? “hey, this steak is pretty good, but could you make it have less meat and fat on it?” also, “the product received its name because the drink was claimed to “squirt” into one’s mouth like a freshly squeezed grapefruit.” i’m not even going to touch that one beyond to say “who the fuck made THAT claim with a straight face?”

personally, i best recall Squirt as a soda i once found in the basement of some rural relatives (not my grandmother); i drunk it and was shocked and appalled by what i had done. sometimes i think that can of Squirt ruined my life, which i admit sounds melodramatic… until you ask yourself, what HAS janklow accomplished since he drank that can of Squirt? also, when you search on the internet for Fresca or Tab, you get results regarding the sodas right away. when you search for Squirt… well, let’s just say that Squirt.org is not for everyone.

chances of people drinking this at work: zero, because i am not going to be seen in public buying Squirt even for people that WANT it. let’s forget about this ill-fated Squirt experiment.

Diet Dr. Pepper
Diet Dr. Pepper: …yeah, mention the “diet” thing as if it’s an afterthought, like it’s not a big deal… like “hey, we made this gross soda and it just somehow ended up diet! yeah!”

Diet Dr. Pepper
okay, i admit it: this entry is just here so i can say that if “Diet Dr Pepper tastes more like Regular Dr Pepper,” then it must taste more gross! ahahahaha! so, anyway, that wasn’t very mature, but i can’t help it. i don’t like Diet Dr. Pepper or Dr. Pepper or even than adorable Dr. Pepper knock-off Mr. Pibb (why, oh why couldn’t it be called Dr. Pibb?), and that’s where it ends. no one at work is every going to drink it because i’m not going to put one thin dime in the pockets of the monsters than manufacture the toxic sludge they call “Dr. Pepper.” well, unless i am paying them for cans of RC Cola. THAT stuff is delicious.

i also sort of resent Dr. Pepper’s “so mysterious you can’t even describe what it tastes like” flavor and/or ingredients. how can i recommend it to someone? at least with Fresca and Squirt, you can say “well, they’re less popular citrus sodas” and vaguely describe the concept (“like Sprite, but much more gross?” “like 7-Up, but as if it leaked out of the breast of a demon-possessed cow?”); the same basically goes for Tab, because it’s a diet soda, which always tastes like diet soda, and i can say “well, it was the predecessor to Diet Coke.” i haven’t drunk a Tab, if ever, since the mid-1980s, but i bet i can predict the taste from that description alone. but Dr. Pepper and its indescribable-but-not-made-from-prunes-we-swear flavor? fuck that shit.

chances of people drinking this at work: likely. i have some co-workers that love it and this entry is secretly designed to rip on them without them knowing, as i have often declared i’d rather drink Squirt than drink this nonsense.

“we have more important business to handle. we can’t afford a circus.”

i’ve got some relatives in from out of town visiting (and it’s really very unfortunate that i don’t have anything cool like a toilet or a Microsoft game console for them to shoot), so i’m going to attribute me being very distracted and late with the update to that (like i’m going to let a perfectly good excuse like that go to waste? exactly), and maybe we’ll just do the ranting thing this week?

Joran van der Sloot
really rivaling Sean Penn for the title of “the most punchable face in America” … only i guess he’s not in America, so he’d be “the most punchable face in Peru”

something something Joran van der Sloot something something

let me tell you who i am REALLY tired of seeing in the news: this guy Joran van der Sloot. he’s like the gift that keeps on giving… giving me an ulcer, am i right? anyone? well, whatever; i think we all know he’s back in the news because he a) probably killed some girl in Peru or something and b) was and/or is playing games about information regarding the death of Natalee Holloway. and this going to sound harsh (it’s always bad when i admit this in advance)… but who fucking cares?

now, i get why Natalee Holloway’s family cares, although given that they’re basically in the “we know she’s dead, we just want to know what happened” phase, i really think they need to look into getting past this event, since van der Sloot is obviously not going to be giving them useful information. that said, the case was always a clear example of the “if a white girl goes missing, it’s news” rule of thumb. but since van der Sloot is clearly fucking with everyone, why are we continuing to give him the attention he wants? can we just let this shit go already? lock his ass up in Peru and let some hardened Peruvian inmates murder him beyond belief, and then he’ll get what he deserves for all of the above crimes, and the Holloway family can get some satisfaction when they hear about it, and i can stop seeing his bleary, drunk-looking face in the fucking news every day.

Otis Mathis
there doesn’t seem to be a good picture of this guy on the internet… which, given his habits, is probably actually a good thing

Detroit school board president accused of sex act in meeting

and the best part is, neither that title OR the url’s implied title (“Education official admits inappropriate actions”) really does this justice. in short, Detroit school board President Otis Mathis was caught masturbating “during a meeting with the schools superintendent,” after which he resigned (obviously), but then tried to rescind his resignation. what the fuck? now THIS is the gift that keeps on giving:

“As you know, I have made inappropriate actions toward a professional employee of the board. I deeply regret my actions. I have apologized to the employee involved,” he wrote. He said medical issues may have contributed to the incident. “I need to pursue treatment … I want to make sure what happened doesn’t ever happen again.”

alright… what exactly are these “medical issues?” because if this is going to become some sort of “sex addiction” defense, well, that shit does not count as a medical issue. and that’s not me trying to be funny, that’s just a fact. there’s really no valid excuse for this, which is why he resigning made sense and the rest of this does not.

“The allegations set off a furor today. “It’s over. He’s done. We have more important business to handle,” Carla Scott, a member of the Detroit Board of Education, said. “We can’t afford a circus.”

AMEN.

“DPS police were investigating allegations by schools Superintendent Teresa Gueyser that during a meeting at about 5 p.m. Wednesday, Mathis touched himself for 20 minutes, then unzipped his pants. Gueyser, in a memorandum to the board, said she ended the meeting. “I told him that there was no reason for us to continue the meeting with that behavior,” she said.

she’s right, and this is ridiculous… but where exactly did that “20 minutes” figure come from? did these board members sit there and watch him touch himself for 20 minutes and make a note of the time, and THEN get outraged when he unzipped? i mean, okay, i’m sure some of this is people saying “maybe i’m misunderstanding what he’s doing” or “maybe this will all be over soon” or “ugh… i don’t want to deal with THAT” … but 20 minutes?

“Mathis resigned following the incident, effective immediately. In his resignation letter, he cited health issues as the reason for his resignation. However, he is seeking to rescind his resignation.”

Mathis, you are officially fucking terrible.

guns arriving at my house in a box!

i don’t know what took me so long to do some of the “03 FFL” and “regulated collector” paperwork regarding my mission to get every gun ever made, but now that we’ve done those things, we’ve moved to a new phase in firearm purchasing: that of gathering unto our hero janklow C&R firearms, including this CZ Vz.82:

CZ Vz.82

it’s like a Makarov (and we all know how awesome those are, even if they don’t always fully penetrate All bottles) if Czechs thought “let’s not use a Makarov, but just make basically the same gun, only with a different hammer and a different look and maybe more rounds in the magazine.” and it’s 100% awesome. well, maybe just 95%, since it might not shoot through All bottles either.

oh, also, this:

Snoop’s fame always kind of annoys me because he’s clearly got less musically hungry since hitting it big (which i can’t blame, but still) and the guy really only has one GOOD album (or, maybe, to be fair, one GREAT album and no more than another 1-2 good ones)… but it never fails to crack me up when he does these shamelessly ridiculous songs. i can’t hate on that.

“let me tell you about my mother…”

as a well-established gun fetishist, it probably stands to reason that i’m also one of those guys who gets very excited and/or anal-retentive about the use of firearms in films… and if this was your hypothesis, well, let me just go ahead and confirm it for you. now, i really do try not to be that guy who just ruins everyone’s fun by pointing out how WRONG it is that a character says “clip” instead of “magazine” or worrying about how anachronistic certain guns are (although i must admit i did flip out in this regard when i was watching Terminator 3); instead, i just like to be the guy getting way excited about some random firearm while everyone else is making eye contact and thinking “yeah, well, we all knew that janklow has some problems.”

and as you can probably except, this wordy intro implies rather strongly that a listicle is forthcoming!

janklow’s 13 most favorite movie guns of all time

but wait, let’s have some random mentions!

Jackal
i seriously would get Jesus Christ Is In Heaven Now put on the side of a gun i owned, even if i WASN’T using it to shoot vampires or anything like that

honorable mention: any really cool but absolutely fictional guns have to be noted here; some of these concepts WOULD be cool (or are cool for what they are, or whatever), but they’re all completely fictional (and not just in a Beretta-93R-“Auto 9”-in-Robocop) way. this list includes the M41A pulse rifle in Aliens (overrated movie, but a cool gun), Hellboy’s Samaritan and Big Baby (i mean, the Samaritan just looks turbo-cool), and the .454 Casull and Jackal that Alucard carries in Hellsing (Jesus Christ Is In Heaven Now, indeed). they just can’t make a real list.

dishonorable mention: any shit-hot new battle-rifle that’s SO popular right now. i love FN’s product line to death (the FNP is one hell of a handgun, anyway), but i’ll never put a P90 or a SCAR or a F2000 on the below list because the only reason people get emotional about them is that they’re COOL and EXPENSIVE right now. and i don’t care if any gun that does make the list seems like it fits that description, because it’s my list, okay? okay.

hand-held GE M134 Minigun
the downside to the hand-held GE M134 Minigun, of course, is that you have to be a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus to use it

13. hand-held GE M134 Minigun
let’s just get this one right out of the way. is it realistic? absolutely not. but is it cool as hell when a huge guy is running around with a tiny, hand-held MINIGUN using to basically do nothing but destroy a lot of scenery? absolutely. people will always think this is cool, and REALLY stupid people will try and tell you that it’s a real gun that their father/brother/cousin fired when he was one of those Special Forces dudes. by the way, don’t listen to guys like that.
prominently seen in: in the hands of Jesse Ventura in Predator, of course. but it also turns up in the hands of Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 2, Kurt Russell in Soldier, and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje in G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, to name a few, and i gather we’ll see it again in the hands of Oleg Takarov when Predators rolls around. Hollywood will never get tired of this gun.
chances of janklow ever owning this: i really wouldn’t want to spend the kind of money a purchase like this would entail even if i DID have a shot at buying one.

12. Colt Single Action Army
some guys don’t like to call these guns Colts in movies since they’re often SAAs made by other manufacturers, but let’s just give Colt the credit and keep it moving. what i’m going to do here is note two cool variations i’ve seen: the kind with a filed-off front sight for quick draw purposes, as seen in the otherwise TERRIBLE film 3000 Miles To Graceland, and the 12″ Buntline Lee Van Cleef attaches a shoulder stock to in For A Few Dollars More.
prominently seen in: tons and tons of movies, especially Westerns or anything where a military officer is supposed to have a classy, rank-symbolizing gun.
chances of janklow ever owning this: it wouldn’t be hard for me to acquire one (maybe not a Colt, but some version of the SAA), but i’ve never been wild about single-action revolvers, even if i think they come off really cool in the movies. now, that carbine version would be cool as hell to own; however, the ATF seems to really frown on pistols with rifle stocks these days.

11. Colt Model 1908 Vest Pocket
given my tiny, compact size, i have a soft spot for tiny, compact pistols, but i have to admit i find older guns a lot cooler than all these modern, designed-for-CCW pistols, and the Model 1908 is the best example of a cool older gun. and there’s REALLY nothing cooler than sneaking a pistol through security in a cup of coffee… which is precisely what Gene Hackman does with his Model 1908 in the film Heist.
prominently seen in: well, Heist, but Mélanie Laurent runs around with one in Inglourious Basterds, and i think every single person has one in the Maltese Falcon.
chances of janklow ever owning this: i see them for sale (and for reasonable prices) pretty regularly, so we may have to make it happen.

HK P7M13
i really have no idea why Bonnie Bedalia seems so distressed; she’s hanging out with one of the coolest guns EVER

10. FN Model 1949
as stated before, i think FN is pretty cool; this is one of those random rifles that didn’t see service in time for WWII, but was then replaced by later (and presumably better) semi-automatic rifles before it got a lot of attention. the main reason this makes the list is that i recognized it immediately when Knockout Ned started running around with one in City Of God… and then it occurred to me that i hadn’t noticed it in many films.
prominently seen in: the only film you guys have seen is probably City Of God. but Knockout Ned is awesome!
chances of janklow ever owning this: decent. i’d like to think i have a shot at one of these showing up and me throwing money at it. and i absolutely would.

09. .475 Wildey Magnum
now, everyone knows i love to bash the Desert Eagles (just overrated garbage, really) and i never get excited when they pop up in films, and part of this is going wild for other semi-automatic pistols like the .475 Wildey Magnum (obviously the classier man’s choice of Magnum semi-autos). granted, the Wildey doesn’t even need the fuck-the-DE factor to be considered awesome, since it’s featured in a prominent role in one of the most ridiculous films of all time: Death Wish 3. a mugger’s back is no match for the power of the .475 Wildey Magnum!
prominently seen in: well, Death Wish 3. i think Harrelson also runs around going wild with it (and a Beretta 93R) in Natural Born Killers.
chances of janklow ever owning this: slim to none. i tend to shy away from ridiculously collectible guns and/or guns that come in calibers that are especially pricey to shoot. but i COULD always become fabulously wealthy somehow.

08. Winchester Model 1892 “Mare’s Leg”
what’s not to like about taking a fairly potent rifle (a Winchester Model 1892) that fires a fairly potent round (.44-40) and chopping it down to make a pistol out of it? i submit that there’s NOTHING not to like about it. it can’t be pleasant to fire regularly, it kind of defeats the purpose of getting a rifle (i mean, a pistol’s not practical for some reason?) and it looks RIDICULOUS… and yet none of this makes the concept of the gun less fun.
prominently seen in: Steve McQueen (always in the running for coolest guy ever) rocked the hell out of this in Wanted: Dead or Alive; everything else (Harrelson in Zombieland; an unnamed gunman in Once Upon A Time In The West) is basically an homage to that. but Gina Torres running around with one in Firefly/Serenity remains one of the mild reasons i respect that show/movie.
chances of janklow ever owning this: possible, but only because there are manufacturers that make these as straight-up pistols instead of chopping down Winchesters. i guess getting a short-barreled rifle isn’t that impossible, but i’d never cut down a gun i owned like that.

07. HK P7 series pistol
HK’s a well-known and long-supported-by-fanboys (including yours truly) firearm manufacturer; many of their product lines have featured prominently in films, and i’m sure that if you had to guess what i’d throw on this list, it’d be a USP or Mark 23 Model 0 or maybe just a G36K or something. but no, i have to go with the adorably-tiny, squeeze-cocking, fixed-barrel-having P7 series, which are all about performance and not so much about looking cool (or magazine capacity). and i love them.
prominently seen in: the example of this i always give is Alan Rickman’s nickel P7M13 in Die Hard, mainly because it’s a flashy gun in the best action movie of all time, and a movie that everyone’s seen at that. but P7s are all over the place; Tommy Lee Jones had a P7M8 in Under Siege, Christopher Walken had a P7M13 in True Romance, and supposedly Ken Takakura carried one in my choice for unfairly-ignored-Ridley-Scott-film, Black Rain.
chances of janklow ever owning this: well, i DID finally get myself a P7 PSP, which is essentially an older, European-style P7M8. and it’s the most awesome pistol i own. so, 100%!

COP 357 Derringer
what a nice set of… barrels you have there, Ms. Bellucci

06. COP 357 Derringer
i’ve long noted this crazy-looking gun in films i spot it in; it’s a four-barreled .357 Magnum semi-automatic that’s somehow supposed to serve as a backup pistol for police officers. it really seems like that description shouldn’t be accurate, although it somehow is due to its rotating firing pin selector and inability to actually be a good size to use as a backup gun. still, it looks really cool, and so it seems perfectly suited for the movies.
prominently seen in: i best recall it as the weapon Brion James uses early in Blade Runner, but it’s also prominently carried by Tchéky Karyo in Bad Boys and by the illustrious Monica Bellucci in The Matrix Reloaded. and this is why no man may trash the latter film around me (although i will not defend Bad Boys, ugh).
chances of janklow ever owning this: i can’t imagine that they’d cost that much and i’d snatch one up just to be ridiculous… but i’ve had a shot at one around here. still, there’s a chance.

05. Dillinger’s Colt .38 Super “Machine Pistol”
Michael Mann will always be a favorite of gun nuts because he always seem to go all out in using realistic-but-cool guns in realistic-but-cool shootouts; his films may have other shortcomings, but the gun stuff is not one of them. this gun is based on one John Dillinger actually carried, an M1911 chambered in .38 Super, modified to fire fully-automatic, and tricked out with an extended magazine, fore-grip and compensator; for the film Public Enemies, it’s a custom job chambered in 9mm and it’s only briefly seen in the hands of “Baby Face” Nelson, but it’s still awesome. and this is why we love Michael Mann so much.
prominently seen in: obviously, M1911s, even in .38 Super, have figured prominently in many, many movies, but Public Enemies is the only film i have seen THIS gun in.
chances of janklow ever owning this: it’ll never happen. i really don’t foresee janklow ever owning ANY fully-automatic handgun, but especially not this one.

03-04. Browning Automatic Rifle with cut-down barrel and Winchester Model 1907
these two guns are actually not as cool as the machine pistol that precedes them, so that should actually be #3 and these two #4-5. but given that the write-up for the machine pistol flowed out much more passionately, i didn’t want to ruin it by having this less excited one precede it. still, the BAR with the chopped-down barrel (a neat period touch that i don’t recall happening in other films) and the .351 Winchester are really cool period guns that only show up in the work of a guy like Michael Mann, who takes the time to make the details count. well, when it comes to guns, since Public Enemies is SO historically inaccurate in other ways.
prominently seen in: Public Enemies. nothing else that i know of.
chances of janklow ever owning this: it’ll never happen, although i suppose the Winchester is much more likely than an short-barreled BAR.

02. suppressed Remington 11-87
this is the story that spawned this update: i generally respect Stephen Hunter, who seems to make a great point to present himself as a friendly and knowledgeable gun enthusiast and to write in a very firearms-accurate manner… but in an article about movie guns in American Rifleman, he went out of his way to bash both this gun AND the movie it’s prominently featured in, No Country For Old Men. now, with all due respect, Cormac McCarthy is a fucking genius, and Stephen Hunter is the guy that wrote Shooter. so i think we all understand my outrage, right?
prominently seen in: just in the hands of the wonderful Javier Bardem in No Country For Old Men at this point.
chances of janklow ever owning this: again, short-barreled rifles and silencers are the “financially reasonable” thing when compared to fully-automatic firearms… but at the same time, it’s pretty unlikely. i’d always rather spend silencer money on another gun.

Smith & Wesson Model 29
are you talkin’ to me?

01. Smith & Wesson Model 29
is it sort of anti-climactic to end the list with a seemingly mundane firearm like the S&W 29? maybe a little, since it’s basically just a large-framed S&W revolver made to fire one hell of a round (in this case, the .44 Magnum). that being said, i’d like to point out that it’s rocked by none other than both Travis Bickle in the greatest film ever made (AKA Taxi Driver) and “Dirty” Harry Callahan in that series of films. and have you ever seen what a .44 Magnum will do to a woman’s pussy? now that you should see.
prominently seen in: did i not just say Taxi Driver and Dirty Harry? but also, Arnold Schwarzenegger was forced to carry one in Red Heat, and Lord Humungus had one in the Road Warrior, and Victor Wong had one in Big Trouble in Little China , so i think it’s pretty clear what kind of awesome gentleman you have to be to be carrying one of these bad boys. and Gary Oldman even has a pretty cool variant of this with his 629 Classic Hunter in Léon
chances of janklow ever owning this: i infamously passed on buying one from a gun store liquidating its inventory and ever since, i’ve felt a little guilty. at some point, i’ll acquire one, although it might not be any time soon.

summation: firearms are awesome!

picture janklow throwing a flurry of tiny, tiny punches that will NEVER STOP

one thing that happens commonly around these here parts (and not just on this secluded part of the internet, but also amongst my friends and co-workers) is for janklow to declare that certain people have been placed on his “fight-on-sight list.” as in, if janklow spotted this person or that person on the list, he would IMMEDIATELY attempt to fight them, despite the (strong) chance that they would beat him up, or at least have friends and/or security that would do so. this list is ever changing as people who i am REALLY mad at get added to it, but i figured a fast way to crank out a listicle would be to post the list in its current form up on the internet. seems reasonable, right?

SERIOUS DISCLAIMER FOR THE SAKE OF LITIGIOUS PEOPLE THAT USE THE INTERNET: i would not, in fact, fight any of the below-listed people on sight; this is for two reasons:
01. it would obviously be inappropriate to do this for legal reasons;
02. everyone on this list would PROBABLY beat me up, and my daily diet doesn’t need a serving of that even if i have declared otherwise in this very update
however, declaring i will fight someone on sight is the hilarious hyperbole that best describes my disdain for the person. that said, perhaps the concept of “i-would-totally-fight-this-guy-i-hate-on-sight-except-i-wouldn’t” makes no sense to you, so think of it this way: if this was the 1800s, where i could duel a guy with no consequences beyond my morals and the hatred of their friends, i would duel everyone on this list.

Sean Penn
the most punchable face in America

13. Sean Penn
i am willing to be a man and admit that Penn’s actually a solid actor and has some redeeming value on that score, which should help to combat my urge to fight him… but at the same time, he combines a childish desire to kiss the ass of anyone who takes him seriously with a Hollywood actor’s belief that actors know best about all political and social issues with the single most smug face ever constructed by nature. plus, the face that he was always fighting guys back in the 1980s or whenever he was young and dating Madonna makes it entirely appropriate for him to be on the receiving end of a surprise fight, don’t you think?

12 JaMarcus Russell
part of this is me just being so damn disgusted with him being a phenomenal bust. part of this is me being frustrated with anyone who has such an opportunity to play a sport at the highest level AND has been paid an astronomical sum of money to play said sport before having done anything to really deserve it. but honestly, i have this theory that Russell is the biggest guy i have a legitimate chance of beating up in life. i mean, okay, he’s got about 130-150 pounds on me and he’s a lot bigger, but you also see how little he cares about ANYTHING besides his bag of Skittles, right? i could probably punch him slowly into unconsciousness before he’d bother to be bothered about the whole mess.

11. Lane Kiffin
i’m going to admit that there’s likely to be a strong number of entries that represent something to do with sporting teams that i root for; it’s not that i cannot appreciate the rage other athletes engender in people (i’m looking at you, Brandon Lloyd, and your effect on the Redskins fans), it’s just that the ones i personally would want to fight affect me more directly. Kiffin makes this list not just for his poor, poor former after leaving the Raiders (seriously, find me one Tennessee fan who has a positive opinion of him and i will give you a cash reward) but because he talked such a good game that he fooled me into thinking that he might actually have been competent at his job. no such luck!

10. Otis “OJ Da Juiceman” Williams Jr.
as a fan of rap music, i often find myself in the same boat as Chris Rock (or at least his comedy routine): having to defend the most reprehensible parts of the musical genre against people who cite it as a representation of said genre. for some, this is extremely violent and/or sexist songs; for me, it’s artists like the Juiceman who are a) terrible at making rap music, b) inexplicable popular, c) unrepentant about their lack of ability and/or respect for genre, and d) TERRIBLE AT MAKING RAP MUSIC. i could make a list of at least 13 artists who fit this mold, so right now the Juiceman is appearing on this list as the token representative of rap artists who really, really need to be punched in the head until they realize they have a responsibility to people who listen to rap music.

Barry Bonds
the bad part for me would be the likelihood that steroids and HGH and all the rest have made Barry Bonds’ body impervious to damage, so i’m picturing a Christine-style scenario where i am trying to crush him with a dump truck as his body angrily reforms to attack me

08-09. Richard Donner/Jeffrey Boam
allow me to explain. see, there’s this director Richard Donner who made, among other things, four Lethal Weapon films. the first (written by Shane Black) was alright; the second (story by Warren Murphy, screenplay by Jeffrey Boam) less so, but i suppose still acceptable. but the third one (story by Boam, screenplay by Boam and Kamen) is bursting with this cheesy anti-gun plot that involves COP KILLER teflon bullets among others things, and it makes me want to fight whoever is responsible for this mess. but here’s the dilemma: i don’t know who’s more to blame. Boam seems to be the main mind behind it, but people keep telling me Donner LOVES to imply anti-gun stuff in his films. this leads me to believe that the only reasonable solution is to share the wealth and fight BOTH of them on sight.

07. Tim Roth
a long time ago, when that remake of Planet Of The Apes came out, Roth told this tale wherein he was SO WORRIED about his children being on the set because Charlton Heston was there; the implication was that Heston’s promotion of firearms somehow put Roth’s kids at risk. never mind that Heston wasn’t known to shoot kids and/or leave random loaded firearms out around them, because this didn’t stop Roth from not only safeguarding his kids from Heston as if he was a sharp, pointed stick that sought to jam himself in their eyes, but ALSO basically declaring to national media about this dangerous, dangerous circumstance. Heston being a gentlemen and all meant that Roth never got punched in the eyes and/or groin over this… but i assure you that he would have deserved it.

06. Barry Bonds
Barry Bonds being, in the opinion of most of us, a fairly reprehensible man, his inclusion on this list (despite the injury i would SURELY receive at the hands of his steroid-enhanced fists and square head) seems like a given. but this is not about his bad attitude or his serial philandering or his cheating cheating CHEATING with steroids and god knows what else. no, this involves me being a Pirates fan and a certain 1992 NLCS Game 7 wherein he couldn’t STAND to listen to our beloved Andy Van Slyke and thus cost us the game. if this still seems excessive… well, please bear in mind that this was the last time the pirates had a winning season. AND I AM NOT BITTER ABOUT THIS AT ALL. still, i remain unable to understand why 50% of my regular readers seem to think Bonds is a guy worth defending… but then again, J.Miles is not always a sensible gentleman.

Nicholas Sparks
i am actually hoping that while i would be fighting Nicholas Sparks, Cormac McCarthy would appear out of nowhere to kick Sparks directly in that smile. then maybe Cormac and i get some beers or something

05. Tom Cruise
there’s a lot of reasons why Tom Cruise disgusts me and could stand to wind up on a list like this one; from the jump, i’m thinking “massive and constant promotion of Scientology” and “incredibly smug attitude towards things (such as psychiatry) that he THINKS he understands, but fails to” and “TOP GUN TOP GUN TOP GUN” are good examples of why he needs to be made an example of. but that being said, i have to also admit that he makes it on the list because he’s a small guy and i feel fairly confident that even if i couldn’t beat HIM up, he couldn’t beat ME up either. and on a list filled with huge men who could totally ruin me in a fight, that’s got to count for SOMETHING.

04. Tony Siragusa
i am going to make an admission here: it’s POSSIBLE that, over time, i have begun to exaggerate both a) the cheapness of the hit he performed on Rich Gannon during that 2001 playoff game and b) the flippancy of his remarks about it after the game; i have been raging about them for years, but i am not the most reliable narrator in this regard. but that being said, it doesn’t matter, because i still hate him for them. local Ravens fans are always trying to get me to acknowledge that i’m wrong and/or should show Siragusa respect, but all that this accomplishes is for me to spin ridiculous scenarios that would have to happen for me to show him said respect; there was a VERY long-winded one that involved me crushing my own removed kidney in front of him as he waited for a kidney transplant that was, admittedly, way over the top.

03. Craig Chance Walgran
this is another blast from the internet past for you guys out there. see, our hero janklow once worked at a previous job from which he was laid off thanks to the terrible, terrible business acumen of one of the owners of this business causing it to go under. that one owner? Craig Chance Walgran. beyond that, he was a generally reprehensible person; i personally often describe him as “a real-life version of George Costanza, only without the related comedy.” but let’s say you assume that i’m just bitter and this is all unfair. in that case, allow me to point out the relevant part of an article i have made fun of here on this website before:
“An Annapolis man who police said crept into the Harwood home of a woman he was dating and severely beat her 77-year-old ex-husband as he slept was sentenced yesterday to a month in jail.
A lawyer for Craig Chance Walgran, 50, said his client flew into a fit of rage when he arrived at Leah Holland’s house at 4565 Polling House Road on Thanksgiving night and found Peter Prins of Annapolis sleeping in her bed. … He played a series of profanity-laced voice mails Walgran left for Ms. Holland hours after the attack in which he threatened to finish what he started. The language was so obscene that it prompted a deputy sheriff in the courtroom to ask a woman in the gallery to take her young daughter outside. “You tell that old man this is just the beginning. … I will (expletive) kill him, I promise you,” Walgran said in one message.”

yeah. read the rest of that update if you like.

02. Nicholas Sparks
given that i wrote an extensive and somewhat recent update about this guy, i am not sure how much explanation this needs. you should really read that article. but assuming that you want this gist of it, it’s me flipping out about an article about him, and here are the most pertinent parts: he claims to write not romance novels, but his own personal genre of books; he declares great Greek writers and Shakespeare and Hemingway to be his peers (probably not his equals) and his works to be the equivalent of those authors’ most notable works; he talks extremely unwarranted and unsupported shit about Cormac McCarthy several times, and he declares his favorite youth novel is one he HIMSELF wrote long after he was a youth. i think he also sold poisoned milk to schoolchildren.

Bill Callahan
STRAIGHT FUCKING HATE

01. Bill Callahan
once, there was a 2002 Oakland Raiders team that went to the Super Bowl after several good years and got completely humiliated by their former head coach’s new team. many people might have seen this coming and adjusted their team accordingly… but not the Raiders new/then-head coach Bill Callahan. many people might ALSO have noted that this one game was not cause to tear down everything that worked about this AFC Championship Raiders team, especially given other issues (such as Barrett Robbins pre-Super Bowl freak-out) and the fact that the coach made no effort to adjust things… but not the Raiders new/then-head coach Bill Callahan, who was busy declaring his team, the team he was coaching, to be “the dumbest team in America in terms of playing the game.” this was the moment when the fight-on-sight list was born, when a young janklow declared his desire to right some wrongs by punching Bill Callahan in the face. and here we are today.

so there we are. and remember, THIS IS ALL FOR COMEDY PURPOSES. THERE SHALL BE NO ACTUAL FIGHTING. SERIOUSLY.