picture janklow throwing a flurry of tiny, tiny punches that will NEVER STOP

one thing that happens commonly around these here parts (and not just on this secluded part of the internet, but also amongst my friends and co-workers) is for janklow to declare that certain people have been placed on his “fight-on-sight list.” as in, if janklow spotted this person or that person on the list, he would IMMEDIATELY attempt to fight them, despite the (strong) chance that they would beat him up, or at least have friends and/or security that would do so. this list is ever changing as people who i am REALLY mad at get added to it, but i figured a fast way to crank out a listicle would be to post the list in its current form up on the internet. seems reasonable, right?

SERIOUS DISCLAIMER FOR THE SAKE OF LITIGIOUS PEOPLE THAT USE THE INTERNET: i would not, in fact, fight any of the below-listed people on sight; this is for two reasons:
01. it would obviously be inappropriate to do this for legal reasons;
02. everyone on this list would PROBABLY beat me up, and my daily diet doesn’t need a serving of that even if i have declared otherwise in this very update
however, declaring i will fight someone on sight is the hilarious hyperbole that best describes my disdain for the person. that said, perhaps the concept of “i-would-totally-fight-this-guy-i-hate-on-sight-except-i-wouldn’t” makes no sense to you, so think of it this way: if this was the 1800s, where i could duel a guy with no consequences beyond my morals and the hatred of their friends, i would duel everyone on this list.

Sean Penn
the most punchable face in America

13. Sean Penn
i am willing to be a man and admit that Penn’s actually a solid actor and has some redeeming value on that score, which should help to combat my urge to fight him… but at the same time, he combines a childish desire to kiss the ass of anyone who takes him seriously with a Hollywood actor’s belief that actors know best about all political and social issues with the single most smug face ever constructed by nature. plus, the face that he was always fighting guys back in the 1980s or whenever he was young and dating Madonna makes it entirely appropriate for him to be on the receiving end of a surprise fight, don’t you think?

12 JaMarcus Russell
part of this is me just being so damn disgusted with him being a phenomenal bust. part of this is me being frustrated with anyone who has such an opportunity to play a sport at the highest level AND has been paid an astronomical sum of money to play said sport before having done anything to really deserve it. but honestly, i have this theory that Russell is the biggest guy i have a legitimate chance of beating up in life. i mean, okay, he’s got about 130-150 pounds on me and he’s a lot bigger, but you also see how little he cares about ANYTHING besides his bag of Skittles, right? i could probably punch him slowly into unconsciousness before he’d bother to be bothered about the whole mess.

11. Lane Kiffin
i’m going to admit that there’s likely to be a strong number of entries that represent something to do with sporting teams that i root for; it’s not that i cannot appreciate the rage other athletes engender in people (i’m looking at you, Brandon Lloyd, and your effect on the Redskins fans), it’s just that the ones i personally would want to fight affect me more directly. Kiffin makes this list not just for his poor, poor former after leaving the Raiders (seriously, find me one Tennessee fan who has a positive opinion of him and i will give you a cash reward) but because he talked such a good game that he fooled me into thinking that he might actually have been competent at his job. no such luck!

10. Otis “OJ Da Juiceman” Williams Jr.
as a fan of rap music, i often find myself in the same boat as Chris Rock (or at least his comedy routine): having to defend the most reprehensible parts of the musical genre against people who cite it as a representation of said genre. for some, this is extremely violent and/or sexist songs; for me, it’s artists like the Juiceman who are a) terrible at making rap music, b) inexplicable popular, c) unrepentant about their lack of ability and/or respect for genre, and d) TERRIBLE AT MAKING RAP MUSIC. i could make a list of at least 13 artists who fit this mold, so right now the Juiceman is appearing on this list as the token representative of rap artists who really, really need to be punched in the head until they realize they have a responsibility to people who listen to rap music.

Barry Bonds
the bad part for me would be the likelihood that steroids and HGH and all the rest have made Barry Bonds’ body impervious to damage, so i’m picturing a Christine-style scenario where i am trying to crush him with a dump truck as his body angrily reforms to attack me

08-09. Richard Donner/Jeffrey Boam
allow me to explain. see, there’s this director Richard Donner who made, among other things, four Lethal Weapon films. the first (written by Shane Black) was alright; the second (story by Warren Murphy, screenplay by Jeffrey Boam) less so, but i suppose still acceptable. but the third one (story by Boam, screenplay by Boam and Kamen) is bursting with this cheesy anti-gun plot that involves COP KILLER teflon bullets among others things, and it makes me want to fight whoever is responsible for this mess. but here’s the dilemma: i don’t know who’s more to blame. Boam seems to be the main mind behind it, but people keep telling me Donner LOVES to imply anti-gun stuff in his films. this leads me to believe that the only reasonable solution is to share the wealth and fight BOTH of them on sight.

07. Tim Roth
a long time ago, when that remake of Planet Of The Apes came out, Roth told this tale wherein he was SO WORRIED about his children being on the set because Charlton Heston was there; the implication was that Heston’s promotion of firearms somehow put Roth’s kids at risk. never mind that Heston wasn’t known to shoot kids and/or leave random loaded firearms out around them, because this didn’t stop Roth from not only safeguarding his kids from Heston as if he was a sharp, pointed stick that sought to jam himself in their eyes, but ALSO basically declaring to national media about this dangerous, dangerous circumstance. Heston being a gentlemen and all meant that Roth never got punched in the eyes and/or groin over this… but i assure you that he would have deserved it.

06. Barry Bonds
Barry Bonds being, in the opinion of most of us, a fairly reprehensible man, his inclusion on this list (despite the injury i would SURELY receive at the hands of his steroid-enhanced fists and square head) seems like a given. but this is not about his bad attitude or his serial philandering or his cheating cheating CHEATING with steroids and god knows what else. no, this involves me being a Pirates fan and a certain 1992 NLCS Game 7 wherein he couldn’t STAND to listen to our beloved Andy Van Slyke and thus cost us the game. if this still seems excessive… well, please bear in mind that this was the last time the pirates had a winning season. AND I AM NOT BITTER ABOUT THIS AT ALL. still, i remain unable to understand why 50% of my regular readers seem to think Bonds is a guy worth defending… but then again, J.Miles is not always a sensible gentleman.

Nicholas Sparks
i am actually hoping that while i would be fighting Nicholas Sparks, Cormac McCarthy would appear out of nowhere to kick Sparks directly in that smile. then maybe Cormac and i get some beers or something

05. Tom Cruise
there’s a lot of reasons why Tom Cruise disgusts me and could stand to wind up on a list like this one; from the jump, i’m thinking “massive and constant promotion of Scientology” and “incredibly smug attitude towards things (such as psychiatry) that he THINKS he understands, but fails to” and “TOP GUN TOP GUN TOP GUN” are good examples of why he needs to be made an example of. but that being said, i have to also admit that he makes it on the list because he’s a small guy and i feel fairly confident that even if i couldn’t beat HIM up, he couldn’t beat ME up either. and on a list filled with huge men who could totally ruin me in a fight, that’s got to count for SOMETHING.

04. Tony Siragusa
i am going to make an admission here: it’s POSSIBLE that, over time, i have begun to exaggerate both a) the cheapness of the hit he performed on Rich Gannon during that 2001 playoff game and b) the flippancy of his remarks about it after the game; i have been raging about them for years, but i am not the most reliable narrator in this regard. but that being said, it doesn’t matter, because i still hate him for them. local Ravens fans are always trying to get me to acknowledge that i’m wrong and/or should show Siragusa respect, but all that this accomplishes is for me to spin ridiculous scenarios that would have to happen for me to show him said respect; there was a VERY long-winded one that involved me crushing my own removed kidney in front of him as he waited for a kidney transplant that was, admittedly, way over the top.

03. Craig Chance Walgran
this is another blast from the internet past for you guys out there. see, our hero janklow once worked at a previous job from which he was laid off thanks to the terrible, terrible business acumen of one of the owners of this business causing it to go under. that one owner? Craig Chance Walgran. beyond that, he was a generally reprehensible person; i personally often describe him as “a real-life version of George Costanza, only without the related comedy.” but let’s say you assume that i’m just bitter and this is all unfair. in that case, allow me to point out the relevant part of an article i have made fun of here on this website before:
“An Annapolis man who police said crept into the Harwood home of a woman he was dating and severely beat her 77-year-old ex-husband as he slept was sentenced yesterday to a month in jail.
A lawyer for Craig Chance Walgran, 50, said his client flew into a fit of rage when he arrived at Leah Holland’s house at 4565 Polling House Road on Thanksgiving night and found Peter Prins of Annapolis sleeping in her bed. … He played a series of profanity-laced voice mails Walgran left for Ms. Holland hours after the attack in which he threatened to finish what he started. The language was so obscene that it prompted a deputy sheriff in the courtroom to ask a woman in the gallery to take her young daughter outside. “You tell that old man this is just the beginning. … I will (expletive) kill him, I promise you,” Walgran said in one message.”

yeah. read the rest of that update if you like.

02. Nicholas Sparks
given that i wrote an extensive and somewhat recent update about this guy, i am not sure how much explanation this needs. you should really read that article. but assuming that you want this gist of it, it’s me flipping out about an article about him, and here are the most pertinent parts: he claims to write not romance novels, but his own personal genre of books; he declares great Greek writers and Shakespeare and Hemingway to be his peers (probably not his equals) and his works to be the equivalent of those authors’ most notable works; he talks extremely unwarranted and unsupported shit about Cormac McCarthy several times, and he declares his favorite youth novel is one he HIMSELF wrote long after he was a youth. i think he also sold poisoned milk to schoolchildren.

Bill Callahan
STRAIGHT FUCKING HATE

01. Bill Callahan
once, there was a 2002 Oakland Raiders team that went to the Super Bowl after several good years and got completely humiliated by their former head coach’s new team. many people might have seen this coming and adjusted their team accordingly… but not the Raiders new/then-head coach Bill Callahan. many people might ALSO have noted that this one game was not cause to tear down everything that worked about this AFC Championship Raiders team, especially given other issues (such as Barrett Robbins pre-Super Bowl freak-out) and the fact that the coach made no effort to adjust things… but not the Raiders new/then-head coach Bill Callahan, who was busy declaring his team, the team he was coaching, to be “the dumbest team in America in terms of playing the game.” this was the moment when the fight-on-sight list was born, when a young janklow declared his desire to right some wrongs by punching Bill Callahan in the face. and here we are today.

so there we are. and remember, THIS IS ALL FOR COMEDY PURPOSES. THERE SHALL BE NO ACTUAL FIGHTING. SERIOUSLY.

Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *