i’ll just keep this introduction short and sweet and note that there are a couple of things that are guaranteed to show up here should i happen to notice them while reading through general internet news: shenanigans involving bears (which i think has been established several times in the past) and shenanigans involving JaMarcus Russell (and good riddance to THAT waste of 13000 pounds of flab and sadness). i mean, there’s other stuff i love to post about (guns, elephants, guns, Joe Pantoliano, guns); these just happen to be the two big topics for the week. so here we go!
bears: continuing to be doin’ thangs
so i suppose it’s not really a weird story for guys messing around in the woods to get “bit and shook” by bears; bears are pretty much going to do this kind of thing (when they’re not cooling out in a beer cooler, anyway) as they see fit, and they probably consider it payback for all the times they see their compatriots on television playing hockey or driving a car in a circus or whatever. but there’s still some weird elements to this story, if you ask me.
“Scott said he yelled and dropped his belt bag, hoping to distract the animal. The bear just sniffed the bag and continued approaching Scott, who grabbed a rotted branch and hit the bear.”
look, i get that some people don’t want to carry a gun when they hike (or do whatever) and some people, even armed, wouldn’t really want to shoot a bear. but my theory is that if you’re going to hang out in “bear country,” you should at least be prepared, right? at the very least, have a knife to stab it with; this “rotted branch” nonsense is just pathetic.
“Alone, Scott hit the bear with the flimsy branch, but the animal kept coming. “It was literally disintegrating as I was retreating,” Scott said, describing his encounter in matter-of-fact terms.”
of course it did, you fucking hit it with a rotten branch! that was DISINTEGRATING. that’s bear code for “please, wreck me with your bear claws.” i also find the the “matter-of-fact terms” part unnecessary, although i admit that if this had been me, i would have refused to describe this bear attack in matter-of-fact terms. it would have been NOTHING by hyperbole.
“Scott said he tried to think of ways to fight the bear off, reaching into his pocket and finding his 3-inch pocket knife. He was preparing to stab the bear in the eye, not sure what the animal’s reaction might be-“
well, here’s a hint: BEAR RAGE.
“Gobel said his group was able to chase the bear away from Scott. “Once there was enough space between the bear and Mr. Scott, I got between them. He was pretty upset with me and lunged at me.” Gobel swung his pack. “I hit him as hard as I could,” he said. “I think it just stunned him. He wasn’t ready for anything like that.””
oh, well, someone hit the bear with a BACKPACK. and then felt very satisfied about it! these are seriously the worst bear-fighting hikers i have heard tell of… or, at least, the worst surviving bear-fighting hikers. i’ll grant they come off well compared to people bears have actually killed.
“Scott, an avid hiker who has a property management company in Lexington, said he supports efforts to repopulate the woods with the animals, and he doesn’t want people to think all bears are bad. “This was a private incident between me and a bear,” he said.”
i can respect the part where he takes a big picture view of the bear population despite this incident… but “a private incident between me and a bear?” this absolutely gives me the wrong impression about what went down in the woods of Kentucky.
well, at least now this wardrobe is starting to make some sense
oh JaMarcus… i am so conflicted as to how i feel about this story. on the one hand, i never really want to gloat about another man’s personal problems and/or criminal issues; on the other hand, fuck JaMarcus Russell, who apparently “has been charged with possession of a controlled substanceâ€”codeine syrupâ€”after being arrested at his home in Alabama on Monday, authorities said.”
actually, the best thing about this is the drug in question â€” codeine syrup â€” being absolutely PERFECT for the fat waste of an athlete that Russell has proven himself to be; he obviously never had the energy level a cocaine addict would have, and despite that one ridiculous photo of him with that rainbow shirt, he never seemed to have a real hippie-like pothead mentality. but with him being a) southern and b) a fat, lazy disgrace, a cocktail of codeine and promethazine is the perfect thing for his bloated body to be filled with. well, codeine, promethazine and Skittles.
honestly, the pleasure i feel at this really has more to do with Tom Martinez claiming that Russell’s failure is basically the Raiders’ fault; Martinez seems to feel that Russell’s failure was more about him being “never wanted there by any of the coaches” (which just makes him seem that much more pathetically about his self-esteem than any good QB should ever be). this is a guy who watched Russell’s massive hold-out (which i think we can all agree fucked up his career to a large extent), and then claims Russell should STILL have been played right anyway (which just makes no damn sense). he goes on to blame further problems on a bad offensive line and bad receivers. now, look, i won’t even dispute some of that (Oakland certainly did not have a stellar offensive line or collection of wide-outs at any point in Russell’s tenure) … but at the same time, it’s pretty striking when you can list a litany of reasons why everything EXCEPT Russell is the problem.
that being said, it’s a moot point now with Russell catching this charge; he might not see a severe penalty, but it’s definitely going to make any NFL team that was at all considering bringing him in to warm their bench (and presumably eat all their Skittles) think twice. time to get yourself ready for the CFL, JaMarcus!
also, seriously, a millionaire in Alabama can’t find a country doctor willing to write him a prescription for codeine syrup? sad.
okay, it’s not like there’s a massive shortage of “dogs doing things” videos on the internet, but this is a pretty solid one:
reminds me a little bit of my deceased dog associate (and this site’s mascot); he wasn’t the most adept at fetching bottles of beer (them being a little too big for his jaws to manipulate easily), but he was absolutely a door-closing machine. you could send that dog to lock himself in his room. still, this dog is pretty cool as well.