“resident says bear likely got in through open door”

our hero has returned from a week of work-related training where he was forced to rise beyond early and sleep at an unreasonable time (before midnight, even), and in order to take it easy (which is to say, slightly harder than just NOT writing a post, but easier than writing a solid one that’s published on schedule), is just going to post some random links and mock them or comment on them or whatever it is that i do to earn my paycheck around here.

Vladimir Putin, with motorcycles
luckily, no one forgot to bring along a ridiculous flag-carrying biker to go along with all that Putin

brief update on our favorite topics #1: Putin’s latest shenanigans

so as well all know, the ridiculous antics of Vladimir Putin are a longstanding source of joy for me; he’s not utterly ridiculous like some politicians and dictators out there, but he always mixes in some craziness regarding bears or miniature submarines or camping to keep his administration/reign of glorious terror fresh, and now we have “additional motorcycles” and “karaoke with spies.”

so first, we once again have Putin involved in biker-related adventures; this time, he was apparently rocking black fingerless gloves and taking part in some sort of “international bikers convention.” it’s a little weird for me to picture bikers having something as formal as an international convention or to picture the prime minister of a real country wearing fingerless gloves, but these things seem more reasonable than either arguing the above-pictured motorcycle is a “tricked out bike” (i’m not going to argue with Putin, so i’ll just throw his description out there) or making this quote:

“Putin delivered a speech before the bikers, calling their means of transport “the most democratic.” “The bike is a symbol of freedom,” he said.”

actually, the latter one makes some sense, but how is a motorcycle the “most democratic” form of transport? cars are easier for the average person to drive, and seriously, we’re siding with motorcycles against history’s finest automobile manufacturer, the Yugo? garbage.

bears doin thangs
you can tell this is a much more normal bear, because it seems foiled by doors

brief update on our favorite topics #2: bears doin’ thangs

at this point, i have to admit that it probably seems like any time a bear does anything in North America, i consider it to be important, breaking news; frankly, i would not dispute this assessment too much. bears are awesome! the things they do are awesome! granted, if they’re bursting into campsites and destroying people’s lives, okay, that’s not that awesome, but when they’re just getting up to fun and games, what’s not to like? enter this story (“Bear Raids Laconia Kitchen, Takes Stuffed Bear”), which starts off strong from the subtitle:

“Resident Says Bear Likely Got In Through Open Door”

this is seriously a top-ten unnecessary observation, because let’s be honest, there’s two ways a bear gets into your house: it smashes its way in, or a door is open. they’re bears, they’re not bringing lock-picking equipment or leaping from rooftop to rooftop to surreptitiously steal your jewels.

“A New Hampshire mother said her two young sons learned an important lesson about leaving the outside door open after a black bear walked into their kitchen and ate two pears and a bunch of grapes and took a drink from the family fishbowl. On its way out of the Laconia house, the real bear grabbed a stuffed bear … The stuffed animal was found in the family’s back yard, next to a box of Goldfish crackers.”

now, i like to picture a random bear spotting this stuffed bear, getting emotional and trying to rescue it, and then coming to the realization that this stuffed bear isn’t showing it any kind of appreciation for the work being done on its behalf. but even if you DON’T want to indulge me in my flight of fancy, this is still a pretty random bear pillaging. two pears and a bunch of grapes? and maybe some crackers? and here i thought bears just quested for beers.

“Several days ago, a homeowner caught video of a black bear close by. That day, Laconia police said neighbors reported sightings. “Just in the area, maybe a block away, there was a report there was a bear running from that area,” Sgt. Rick Simmons said.”

it will never fail to amuse me when people are describing bears “running from that area” or some other random perpetrator description. NEVER. “and what did the suspect look like, ma’am?” “mostly like a bear, mostly. and he was stealing my pears!”

possibly the most disappointing Final Jeopardy i can remember

now, i really do enjoy the show Jeopardy, both as a concept (it’s just a well-designed and implemented show) and personally (i am pretty good at Jeopardy in the sense of sitting around with hooligans and guessing the answers), and i generally find that final question to be the least fun: it’s always decently hard and seems to always come from some category i don’t know shit about. you’ll have a whole episode that’s filled with historical trivial that i can totally lock down, and then the final jeopardy ends up being about something like tulips or female problems. so i am disappointed here for two different reasons:

01. the final answer was “as of 2010 it’s the only current NFC team that has never played in the Super Bowl.” this is a ridiculously easy question if you know anything about football; even if you lock up mentally under the pressure, you can walk yourself through the 16 teams in the NFC until you get to the Detroit Lions. now MAYBE this is because i know a little about football, but it strikes me as disappointingly easy;

02. i am disgusted with the contestants. seriously, guys? okay, the third place person ($6000) wagers $5999 on the Detroit Lions and comes up with $11999. so far, so good. but then this second place goober ($10200) wagers $5000 on “??” and drops to $5200. now, at least he stands there stoically and accepts the embarrassment, but come on, how do you not at least guess? someone that didn’t watch football could be excused for guessing the Minnesota Vikings or something. worst of all, though, is the first place woman ($13900), who guesses wrong (“Jacksonville Panthers”) but wagers smartly (only $1000, so she ends up at $12900) … but HAS to start muttering “i don’t actually care” and snorting smugly about the whole thing. ma’am, you KNOW you’ve won by this point, so would it kill you to not be so fucking defensive? pathetic. also, ma’am, things you know and/or care about are lame and stupid, like you are.

ground zero mosque protests
there is such a wide range of emotions present in this photograph

slight continuation of the choose-your-own-update adventure: now with 100% more ADL

i don’t really want to dwell on last week’s topic – my general disgust towards the tone of the “ground zero mosque” protests – but then this statement from the ADL came out, and i threw up into my mouth a little, and now we all have to suffer! the closing portion of that statement:

“Proponents of the Islamic Center may have every right to build at this site, and may even have chosen the site to send a positive message about Islam. The bigotry some have expressed in attacking them is unfair, and wrong. But ultimately this is not a question of rights, but a question of what is right. In our judgment, building an Islamic Center in the shadow of the World Trade Center will cause some victims more pain – unnecessarily – and that is not right.”

so… if i am reading this correctly… the ADL is saying that it’s wrong for people to oppose them building this center simply because of their religion… but because of their religion, the ADL opposes the building of this center. does that sound right? because it sounds a little fucked-up to me.

alright, that’s enough, let’s call it a day.

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2 Responses to “resident says bear likely got in through open door”

  1. cobb says:

    god bless america…and russia (home of the Red Cyclone)and above all else God bless bears!

  2. janklow says:

    i like the part where you slipped a Red Cyclone shout-out in there.

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