“ripped from the headlines”: this week’s shoddy episode of HOH

this fall, for the first time in a very long time, it seems that we won’t be greeted with a new season of Law & Order, and by this i mean “vanilla” Law & Order, of course, not any of the myriad of spin-offs, and by “a very long time,” i of course mean “20 years,” during which time it appears to have employed every single actor who worked in New York City between September 13, 1990 and May 24, 2010. this is not a big deal in the way that, say, nuclear fission or the internal combustion engine are big deals, but while the show is not as old as i am (the running joke this week is labeling my age as “nearly 40”), it certainly ran though all my formative years. although thinking about it, drawing a connection between L&O and my formation may not be particularly flattering for the former, given that i am a wee slip of a man and prone to enjoying/celebrating many nerdy and/or distressing things. i think there was a recent re-telling of the time i was watching Guinea Pig: Flower Of Flesh And Blood (distressing in and of itself) while eating a massive, dripping plate of spaghetti? but i digress.

ANYWAY, Law & Order won’t be on this fall, and that makes me sad, and even more sad is the fact that two of its spin-offs will remain in its absence… including a completely new one. this would be less weird if the phrase “Law & Order” didn’t figure prominently in each show’s title, but still will remain weird due to the flagship program being axed while a somewhat-random West Coast version of the flagship program that has NEVER been aired proceeds full-steam ahead. sometimes i don’t really understand this country, or at the very least, the arts and entertainment portion of it.

none of this, however, is actually inspired by merely missing Law & Order. it actually has to do with the season one episode “The Torrents of Greed (Part 2).”

Sam Waterston
Sam, you shall be missed. just watch out for those robots and their metal claws and their desire to eat your medicine for fuel

this whole thing about “The Torrents of Greed (Part 2)”

now, i think we have all seen, at this point in our lives and unless we’re Amish or something along those lines, a multi-part television show episode. Seinfeld famously mocked the concept, but sometimes it’s necessary, especially for 30-minute-long shows: it just happens sometimes that you have a compelling/funny narrative that simply cannot be resolved within the normal length of the show’s episodes, no matter how much you abbreviate it or cut padding. and that’s fine, we’ve all come to terms with it. and we all know the drill: next week’s episode will contain a brief montage of scenes reminding us what happened last week, and then cut to the story. well… except for “The Torrents of Greed (Part 2).”

now, i don’t know how i didn’t notice this before. see, despite the fact that many claim that one never needs to purchase DVD sets of L&O because of the CONSTANT presence of its reruns on cable television, i own the first few years on DVD, and have watched them all. reruns are nice, you know, but sometimes you really need a predictable fix of Michael Moriarity and Paul Sorvino, and there’s only so many times you can watch Goodfellas. i mean, that’s a high number of times –Goodfellas is awesome– but there’s still got to be SOME sort of limit.

ANYWAY, so i was up at 0300 or 0400 or some other 0-dark hour where i might be spending my time running around in the yard attempting to trap skunks, but was instead spending the morning watching Law & Order, and “The Torrents of Greed (Part 2)” comes on. and it has the LONGEST INTRODUCTION MONTAGE EVER. it’s voiced by the default announcer, but it verbally walks you through every event from the first part of the pair of episodes, and gives a slow breakdown of all the characters of consequence. now, it’s not necessarily a BAD montage. this was two hours of television and the plot was a little convoluted: “detectives arrest three members of the Masucci crime family involved in an assault… which leads [the D.A.] attempting to use the arrest as a means to take down the entire Masucci crime syndicate… however, the plan backfires when [the chief witness] recants his testimony at trial.” and that was just the recap of the first episode.

but when’s the last time that you ever saw something like a 5-minute opening montage for a commonly-seen broadcast program? was this still a new, big deal on February 19, 1991? i wasn’t THAT old, so maybe i don’t remember how new this thing was. i don’t know, i was a little distressed, so i figured i needed to talk it out on the internet. thanks for listening, internet dudes.

and now, some random thoughts wherein i rant about the things i like least about various Law & Order franchises, as that’s much more “the kind of thing janklow does here on the internet.”

Law & Order: Los Angeles
this is what Law & Order is now? sometimes i don’t really understand this country

some random thoughts wherein i rant about the things i like least about various Law & Order franchises

Law & Order (1990-2010): granted, the easily thing to like least is the fact that the show got canceled after season 20, preventing it from unseating Gunsmoke as longest running American prime-time drama. but that’s a little bit of a cheat. what i probably like least about L&O was the introduction of Dianne Wiest as D.A. Nora Lewin. granted, she followed the irreplaceable Steven Hill as Adam Schiff, but her character seemed so bland and annoying at the same time. plus, what the fuck has Dianne Wiest ever done? she’s always been presented to me as a good actress, but why?

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (1999-present): i most hate that it’s still on the air? that’s unfair. when it started, it was a good spin-off idea (the specific covering of sex crimes and child victims, much like the next spin-off would be a good idea of covering the Major Cases concept); it was distinctly different in that in focused much more on the character’s personal lives in addition to the specific kinds of crimes; and it brought back Richard Belzer’s character from Homicide, which was awesome. but what i despise is that it’s basically a show where the main detectives are presented as the Best Detectives Ever, go berserk/cross the line/get tossed off the case/generally be shitty detectives who are wrong about stuff in EVERY EPISODE, and then still get argued to be the Best Detectives Ever (sometimes LITERALLY, and sometimes while much less insane detectives are present). they should have long been fired by now, so could we PLEASE stop presenting them as irreplaceable cogs in the NYC justice system? plus, SVU has soaked up countless Emmys that other shows/actors deserve MUCH more. and further, it’s somehow now MUCH more infuriating than the easily more stupid ideas for spin-offs, which is just wasteful.

Law & Order: Criminal Intent (2001–present): now, i always liked this show, because i never found Vincent D’Onofrio’s Sherlock Holmes act annoying; Sherlock Holmes is an awesome, interesting character. and it would be cheap of me to label the entire current cast, from detectives to D.A., as annoying, even though it’s especially so, since they ran through two sets of better detectives already. no, what i find most annoying was Eric Bogosian’s run as captain of the Major Case Squad, in which he played a smarmy moron who appeared to exist ONLY to dispute anything correct stated by his underlings. this is not dramatic, this is just fucking stupid.

Law & Order: Trial by Jury (2005-2006): it was barely on the air, and so there’s really not much to complain about, so can i hate the fact that it basically did better than NUMB3RS, where math solves EVERY CRIME EVER, but was the one of the two that got canceled? okay, THAT is a cheat.

Conviction (2006-2006): what’s to like? it was the SECOND L&O spin-off killed by NUMB3RS (which, seriously, is fucking annoying), only with worse ratings; it introduced a pair of mediocre actress who i’d have to suffer through on two series each (Milena Govich and Julianne Nicholson are, in fairness, not terrible, but i somehow dispute that they warranted reappearing on other L&O shows); it was focused on fucking lawyers, who have dominated smarmy, lame shows for years now, even though i have never met anyone who wasn’t a lawyer who gave a shit about lawyers; and it doesn’t even bother to use the solid-gold “Law & Order” name. idiots!

Law & Order: Los Angeles (2010-present): that it exists, and Law & Order doesn’t? sometimes i don’t understand this country anymore.

articles from the Irishman, volume one: bears, boars and hypocrisy, oh my!

one of our running “jokes” or themes or whatever you want to call it around these here parts is that our readership is primarily composed of J.Miles and… uh… J.Miles re-reading something again because he and i were debating the topic later and he thought he might have missed a point i made. and what a hilarious, not-at-all-accurate-or-redundant joke it is! i’m not crying tears of shame, i’m laughing so hard at the joke that i’m tearing up!

but i digress. the point, such as it was, is to recognize another loyal sidekick and/or reader: the Irishman. you may remember him from such anecdotes that involve “talking for hours at length about how we’re going to fight zombies and rebuild society” and “things that have to do with alcohol.” you see, this past week or so, the Irishman’s been helpfully shooting me articles that i might crack wise about on the site, and in return, i told him i intended to “make an ‘articles suggested by the Irishman’ update.” this is that update. prepare yourselves!

bears, bears, bears
it might not be clear from this photo, but apparently this bear hungers for paintballs and motor oil

black bears step in to halt Montana paintball operation

you can tell the Irishman knows the drill, because the first thing he sent me was an article about bears doin’ thangs. and you can pretty much guess that two things will happen in any article involving a bear event: a bear or bears are going to do something fairly unreasonable (there’s never a news article about a bear eating a salmon, for example), and the way the article’s written is going to cause me to mock it in some manner. will our guess be proven right?

“Add paintballs to the long list of items bears can smell from a distance and will saunter in to investigate.”
…and there we go: bears ridiculously messing around with paintballs (not THAT weird, i guess) and this author deciding to declare that bears “saunter in to investigate” these paintballs. granted, i suppose the term is okay (bears do seem to “walk about in an idle or leisurely manner”), but really, saunter is the verb you think of when you think of a moving bear? would i write that a bear sashayed onto a paintball field or course or whatever it is you call the place you play paintball, even IF it’s true that bears “strut or move about in an ostentatious or conspicuous manner?”

“Big Sky Resort in Montana found this out after opening a paintball operation on its ski hill last month and discovering that bears are drawn to the smell of the disintegrating balls shot by human combatants.”
now, i live to be difficult, but at the same time, i can’t help but imagine that the bears are drawn there by MORE than just the smell of these “disintegrating balls.” i’m sure a lot of these paintball-loving athletes smell like delicious sugary or fatty foods in their own right. granted, paintball is played by a wide variety of people, many of whom DON’T have moon pies falling from their fatigue jacket’s pockets… but it probably doesn’t take THAT many moon pies to interest some bears.

“According to a story in the Billings Gazette, the paintball operation was shut down after black bears began walking out of the woods and onto the course. Some were even eating paintballs that had not exploded.”
i’m not sure why it’s weird that bears would eat unexploded paintballs if they’re eating broken ones (or, to state it differently, “any paintballs at all”)… i mean, is there a major difference as to what they’re made of?

“A state biologist explained that bears, which have an acute sense of smell, are drawn to petroleum-based products and those being used at Big Sky were further attractive because they contained vegetable oil.”
let me be frank: if bears are drawn to “petroleum-based products,” i have to either question a) their acute sense of smell or b) their common sense and/or intellect.

“Among other items, besides actual food, known to attract black bears: lip balm, sunscreen, oil-based house stains and motor oil.”
seriously, again, how does word not get around amongst bears when one of them drinks some supposedly-delicious-smelling motor oil that motor oil is NOT actually delicious? on the other hand, i think lip balm functions as “actual food” so far as bears are concerned, so i’m cool with that one. just keep it in mind before you slather yourself with sunscreen and lip balm (and maybe your oil-based house stains) before you go hiking in bear country.

boars or boar?
thou shalt ESPECIALLY not eat the radioactive swine’s flesh

radioactive boars rampaging through Germany

the above being said, it’s not like we’re above going on and on about ANY animal ridiculousness; let an elephant get loose somewhere in the world, and i’ll probably talk about that as well. to be honest, i think most people find zany animals a lot more interesting/entertaining than politics and religion, right? so…

“It sounds like the plot of a B-movie, yet it’s bizarrely true: Radioactive boars are on the loose and thriving in Germany’s forests. A succession of mild winters has left Germany scrambling to deal with a skyrocketing wild boar population. Tales of swarming beasts rampaging through city streets and attacking citizens occur with alarming regularity.”
there is literally no way it’s true enough for me NOT to be disappointed by the truth, though, because any time you tell me a foreign nation has cities being overrun with some random kind of animal (especially a RADIOACTIVE animal), my head is filled with insane visions of some Fallout 3 type of scenario where Germans are fighting off said animals from the rooftops with a variety of well-made firearms, or maybe just self-made flamethrowers and lances, as Germans are crazy like that sometimes.

“The problem has been aggravated by the lingering effects of the Chernobyl disaster from twenty-five years ago; a large portion of the wild animals are contaminated by radioactivity.”
see, and this is where i start getting disappointed, because is this a story about having a wild surplus of boars on the loose, or about nuclear-mutant boars ravaging the Bavarian countryside? although i have to admit that it really COULD be both. and to be honest, while Chernobyl was a terrible tragedy, it’s also an interesting “what could it have spawned” concept, as well as fodder for some solid video games. i know i liked S.T.A.L.K.E.R., anyway.

“Poisonous radiation leaves the beasts completely inedible (wild boar is considered a delicacy in Germany), and the phenomenon is becoming expensive for the German government. In the last hunting season, 650,000 boar were shot versus 287,000 in the previous year. And due to atomic energy regulations, the government must buy contaminated animals from hunters who catch them.”
that is a LOT of boar (although it certainly sounds like Germans have been shooting at these things for hundreds of years), but also, is it “boars” or “boar” when it’s plural? because this article has written it both ways. anyway, i have to love the European standard where they just buy them from hunters; i have to suspect that in the US, we’d just have scores of rednecks eating the shit out of some radioactive boar. hell, maybe that explains those ridiculously massive wild hogs i am always seeing coming out of the south.

“Though the Chernobyl explosion happened a quarter century ago, high levels of radiation remain in the region’s vegetation. And wild boars are especially susceptible because of their proclivity for mushrooms and truffles, which are especially efficient at absorbing radiation.”
you know, i’ve never understood this whole “truffles” thing. so it’s kind of like a mushroom (which look cool, but not necessarily edible), only it looks much worse, like a disgusting puffy rock, and they’re hunted down (in as much as one “hunts” a stationary fungus) with trained pigs (“truffle hogs”) … and this is supposed to be the back story of a delicious delicacy? ridiculous.

“While general radioactivity in plants should continue to decrease, levels in fungi may even increase, leaving no end in sight for this issue. One expert told Der Spiegel that the problem will likely remain for at least another 50 years.”
i suppose the message we should take from this is that if anyone makes a post-apocalyptic game set in eastern Europe, it better feature an abundance of aggressive radioactive boar.

Museum of INTolerance, more like it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
whole lot of toleratin’ goin’ on in the spot in which to be toleratin’

Museum of Tolerance backer: no to WTC mosque

i have been complaining about this issue all week, what with my disgust for the GOP mosque detractors (really, Newt? a Nazi comparison?) and the Democrat detractors (Reid’s done a nice job of putting every one of his colleagues in a “who’s side are you on, Obama’s or Reid’s” bind) and particularly for Obama’s decision to seemingly support the mosque (which i was supportive of)… and then IMMEDIATELY walk back from that support. so here’s another brief moment of flipping out about it.

“There’s tolerance and then there’s tolerance, argues Wiesenthal Center’s leader as he celebrates grand opening of group’s anti-prejudice museum in Manhattan.”
luckily, we’ve gotten right to the money quote. because as you know, there’s the tolerance that means you being accepting of what i personally think and do, and THEN there’s that bogus tolerance that tells me i am supposed to be accepting of you. ha!

“The new Museum of Tolerance New York opened in the heart of Manhattan this week, citing an ambitious mission to help enlighten city residents and tourists on issues of discrimination, prejudice and social inequality. But the museum’s financial backer, the Wiesenthal Center of Los Angeles, says it cannot tolerate the planned location near Ground Zero for a mosque and Islamic community center.”
i mean, you can’t make up irony like this.

“Religious freedom does not mean being insensitive…or an idiot,” said Mr. May, who led the push for the museum’s New York location.
you know, it really doesn’t. for example, if you’re not a Muslim, being free to practice your religion and/or to enjoy free speech means that you don’t HAVE to be a raging asshole who gives Muslims the short end of the stick. i mean, you have the freedom to do so, if you should so desire, it’s just the kind of thing a decent adult doesn’t do, you know?

“The Wiesenthal Center, a Jewish human rights organization, emphasizes that its political views are not those of the Museum of Tolerance, which opened its first outpost in L.A. and is the center’s main education arm. “We don’t want to politicize the museum,” Mr. May said.”
and so, not wanting to politicize the museum, you’ve made ridiculous public statements to the media about your stance on a hot-button political issue. got it.

“”The main charge was that an anti-bigotry organization had joined with the bigots,” Abraham Foxman, national director of ADL, said in a statement published earlier this week by The Huffington Post.”
…and it seems that this charge was not unsubstantiated.

In Jerusalem, Israel—where the Wiesenthal Center plans to open its next Museum of Tolerance—construction of the proposed tolerance museum has “resulted in digging up the remains of people who had been buried in a Muslim cemetery for generations,” Ms. Lazreg said.
now, i actually do think that, at the very least, the guys behind this Museum of Tolerance wouldn’t dig up graves, Muslim or otherwise, to build a museum in the US. we’re generally a little more sensitive to that kind of thing over here; Israel tends to go a little harder than us on things like that.

“The Museum of Tolerance New York, which was formerly a corporate and government diversity training center run by the Wiesenthal Center, opened last Tuesday. … “There’s something for everybody,” said Andrea Hance, program manager of outreach and education at the museum.”
unless you’re one of those dirty evil Muslims that wants to build a GROUND ZERO MOSQUE on HALLOWED GROUND 9/11 NEVER FORGET, in which case we have nothing for you and you should just get out!

“Visitors can also reserve group tours in advance that give them the option to focus their experience on a specific issue, said Ms. Hance, who was half-addressing her small tour group and half-answering an elderly man in war veteran attire who abruptly interrupted her to ask if Muslim groups were also allowed to take a tour. “[The diversity training] all depends on the group,” she replied.”
wow… you know, i was joking with the remarks right before this one, but then it turns out that she cannot even say “yeah, we let Muslim groups tour here” in the most general sense. i mean, come on, if the museum is aimed at EVERYONE, you’re telling me that you can’t, in the US, with all the events and history of the world to choose from, come up with something for a visiting Muslim group? wow.

“Exhibits include displays on human rights challenges around the world, the history of the Holocaust through eye-witness testimony, social justice movements in the United States, and the Internet as a frontier for hate and propaganda.”
(insert rant about whether or not this museum addresses anything about modern-day Israel or not here)

“we are aware there is an incident … we do not have details and will have no comment.”

in honor of our approaching football season (go Raiders), i figured that when i did this “oh, take some random links about things and make some tired jokes about them” update for the week, i’d throw in a couple that relate to the sport in question. it turns out that this was a good idea, because the rest of the “topics” are pretty much just me revisiting some of this website’s most perfectly dominating obsessions. but you know how this internet thing goes.

John Gill and friends
things are about to get disheveled and soiled up in here

Colts’ John Gill arrested for public intoxication

so, to start with, this doesn’t seem like a really ridiculous story: one of the Indianapolis Colts’ defensive tackles, a youngster by the name of John Gill, got himself arrested for public intoxication (after which he was released from jail with no charges filed), which is really nothing exceptional in terms of “football player arrests.” granted, with Lawrence Phillips behind bars, the odds of a football player “allegedly driving a car into three teenagers, following a dispute with the teens during a pick-up football game” have gone down dramatically, but it’s not like NFL players (or their subhuman relatives, CFL players) are great at completely avoiding trouble. and yes, no matter what OJ or anyone else has every done, that Phillips car attack is THE greatest NFL-related crime ever. let there be no further debate.

so, whatever, John Gill was publicly intoxicated and released, no big deal, right? well, it turns out that Gill was, according to the police, “found passed out in a ditch at 4 a.m, smelling of a strong odor of alcohol, speaking with a slur and having trouble standing.” this is pretty bad, not so much for smelling of liquor and wobbling around, but because he was found IN A DITCH, but they go on to state that Gill was allegedly “disheveled and soiled.” and i don’t know what that’s even supposed to mean, because obviously the guy should be soiled, as he was in a ditch. and really, is a lawyer going to dispute this point? “your honor, while my client was found passed out in a drainage ditch alongside Route 97, we want to go on the record that he was NOT soiled.” so i have to assume that “soiled” means Gill was “covered in all manner of filth that can issue forth from the human body.”

also, the Colts “didn’t have much to say about the situation.” indeed!

unrelated note: i’m just kidding, CFL players, you know i love you guys. go Roughriders! seriously, the Roughriders, despite their awkward name AND the fact that the CFL once had TWO teams named the Roughriders (i mean, one was the “Rough Riders,” but this is still a classic moment of Canadian ridiculousness), are my team. i should really buy a share of them so that i can feel like a big man.

related note: in the Yahoo! article i link to, they accidentally call the team’s spokesman “Colts team spokeman John Gill.” granted, this is clearly a mistake, but i find it extra hilarious to imagine John Gill functioning as a spokesman for this team. “why were you found drunk and soiled, John?” “clearly the team has no fucking comment about this.”

not-that-humorous note: insert a pun here about how the abbreviation for defensive tackles, DTs, is now doubly appropriate in this circumstance. you know, because of the delirium tremens concept. ahahahahaha.

Vladimir Putin and aircraft
Putin’s next mission: taking out this internet dude that keeps obsessing over him

yet another brief update on our favorite topics #1: Putin’s even more recent shenanigans

as far as i can tell, Russia is either a) burning to the ground right now or b) merely mostly on fire, but with everyone in Russia dying of the heat being caused by it. luckily, like he’s goddamn Batman or something, our hero Vladimir Putin is all over this! no, seriously, he’s hopped “on a firefighting plane to put out two blazes in the Ryazan region.” and if this doesn’t sound impulsive enough: “Putin, wearing a blue shirt and jeans, boarded a Russian-built Be-200 amphibious aircraft as a passenger for a flight over the Ryazan region. But he later went into the cockpit and sat in the co-pilot’s seat, holding the throttle and pushing a button to dump 24 tons of water on forest fires about 200 kilometers southeast of Moscow.”

this article goes on to note Putin’s lack of “known pilot training” and contradictory flashy appearances piloting aircraft. which, if you ask me, counts as “known pilot training,” even if the first time he flew it WAS some ridiculous “watch me just DO this shit” event. ultimately, i am left with two final thoughts about this event:

01. granted, this event was staged in the same way that the later part where he showed up in damaged areas and promised cash and firetrucks (apparently, you bribe sad Russians in the same way you bribe an eight-year-old child, with the possible substitution of “vodka” for “candy”) … but at the same time, like always, i cannot help but presume that Putin really does these things randomly. he’s at home… playing with his dog… and then BAM! he’s fighting a fire somewhere and then maybe he fights some street crime.

02. even assuming that my president is more serious and legitimate than Putin… and even knowing that my president is probably, hopefully working on something of consequence… and even with the additional note that the USA “rules”… i am still so jealous of Russians right now. but only until i forget about the latest Putin story.

black bear and furniture
what this bear needs is… supreme pizza

yet another brief update on our favorite topics #2: bears doin’ additional thangs

yes, somewhere in America, a bear did something, and i am immediately notifying America of it. let’s just cut immediately to critiquing this article describing the event, shall we?

“Brazen black bear breaks into Montana houses”

so the thing i have to note here is that i am not sure how “brazen” a bear can actually be; while i suppose “marked by contemptuous boldness” does seem to fit what a bear does, at the same time, i can’t imagine they’re consciously aware of how “impudent” or “presumptuous” they seem. bears just want to eat and scratch their bodies on things.

“A brazen black bear with a late-night hankering for supreme pizza surprised a Montana resident last week, and it’s not the first time the animal has eluded capture. The bear is believed responsible for about 21 break-ins in the Red Lodge area in south-central Montana over the past few weeks.”

actually, this bear may qualify as brazen, since it’s apparently responsible for a crime spree of some time. this also makes me wonder if blaming bears wouldn’t be good cover for a burglary ring. “a brazen black bear with a late-night hankering for PS3s and jewelry surprised a Montana resident last week.”

“”He was about four feet from me with his head in the freezer munching on a pizza,” Rosin said. “It was almost comical if it wouldn’t have been that close.” Rosin scared the bear off before it could eat anything more.”

actually, no, if you scare a bear off while it’s eating, that’s comical. the only thing not comical about it remains the damage to your home.

“Most of the break-ins involve the bear climbing through a screened window or breaking through a screen door to access refrigerators or freezers, said Shawn Stewart, a Fish, Wildlife and Parks biologist.”

most? i DEMAND to hear about the rest.

Swayze Waters and football
compared to the number of pictures of Patrick Swayze you find when searching for “Swayze Waters,” these candid shots of Swayze are like the rare and valuable rubies of the internet

the existence of an NFL player known as “Swayze Waters”

now, in fairness, this is partially about another random house of hate obsession, not just football, but bear with me. so i’m watching this Dallas-Oakland preseason game (go Raiders), which the Raiders managed to win 17-9, proving nothing except that a defeat of Dallas will ALWAYS warm my heart … and i notice the Raiders have this other kicker getting game time in what is assuredly an effort to spare our noble titan of a kicker Sebastian Janikowski some exertion. and since by “watching this Dallas-Oakland preseason game” i mean “watching it … on the internet,” they have our other kicker listed as “S. Waters,” and so i click on the guy’s name to get some trivia on him.

and his name turns out to be “Swayze Waters.” what the hell?

now, i think we all know that this website unabashedly (and emotionally) promotes the work of Patrick Swayze, so we all know i was blown away by this twist of a name. it didn’t even occur to me that you could name your kid Swayze! are his parents huge fans of Road House or what? what the hell is going on down in Jackson, Mississippi? i’m sure it can’t be anything good, because we’re talking about Mississippi … but still, i want answers!

now this kid won’t make the final team; anything’s possible, i suppose, but a cool name will only take you so far in life. still, for one brief shining moment in August, a man named Swayze was being taken seriously by some people. god bless America!

“here’s a message for the girls about vaginas…”

it’s just so happened that this week’s update has sort of an off-color theme to it; i was considering trying to shoehorn some news article about the movie Predators or something along those lines into it to take this all to the next level of in-jokes, but that just seemed unnecessary. frankly, this update is pretty ridiculous as is; it doesn’t really require an extra push over the cliff.

so… vaginas! and things somewhat related to them! here we go.

Laurence Fishburne and... Chippy D
this is going to lead to the most tense Thanksgiving dinner in the Fishburne household yet

Laurence Fishburne’s apparently continuing source of shame

so if you’re up on the internet news (or more accurately, i suspect, the internet gossip columns), then you may have heard that Laurence Fishburne’s daughter Montana has decided to voluntarily release a porn DVD; this is apparently not a leak like many of these celebrities have, where they end up pleasing ignorance and outrage and crying their way into a cut of the proceeds, but rather, an intentional release that Montana seems to think is going to fuel her Hollywood career, saying “I’ve watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape.”

now, for one thing, this is a pretty sad commentary on women these days, right? or something like that? you’re making pornography to become successful? also, wasn’t Kardashian famous BEFORE the sex tape she had “leak out?” but being disappointed with humans is pretty much not a new thing for me, i have to admit.

in the end, though, i am mostly sad for Laurence Fishburne, who is an excellent actor and the source of my second favorite sobriquet; not only does he have the default “oh man, my daughter’s running around having SEX” thing going on, but it’s ALSO on camera and being wildly distributed across the nation (or at least the internet, i guess) … AND she’s crowing about how it’s been done intentionally to start her career/fame/whichever? i’m picturing Fishburne roaming through his home crazily with a samurai sword just wrecking shit and yelling.

the sad part is that i personally recall Fishburne having worked his way up through Hollywood over the course of a long career, taking work in all kinds of venues: serious dramas, action flicks, soap operas, children’s programming, and random guest bits on movies and television; you’d think his daughter MIGHT have observed this kind of work ethic. and could she not have achieved SOME equivalent degree of fame from behaving badly on a reality TV show that she got a place on based on her father’s name?

sometimes i just don’t understand this world.

giant beaver and its... vagina
yeah… that’s CLEARLY “hands clasped in prayer”

giant beaver vagina terrorizes the people of Minnesota

so beyond the fact that we have a vagina thing going on this week, this story caught my attention because it takes place in Bemidji, Minnesota; given that i have some relations from that neck of the woods (and may even have taken adventures in the area), it of course caught my attention. it’s kind of like catching the mention of Moose Lake in Fargo: i take a random, pointless pride in the reference. you could probably add “ridiculous” in there, because who gives a fuck about Moose Lake? or Bemidji?

but i angrily digress. it seems that Bemidji went through a program wherein giant beavers were given to local artists, who were told to paint them how they wanted for public display. to which i say a) giant beavers? welcome to Minnesota! and b) i recall when this was more in vogue because our local metropolis Baltimore did it with massive crabs (and it really is/was kind of neat and endearing), but i don’t remember how popular or lasting it was. or, to put it another way, i don’t travel that much, but i have never seen this kind of thing outside of Baltimore. still… giant beavers!

anyway, some Davis lady named one “Gaea” (fucking hippies), dedicated it to “a celebration of womanhood” (which has GOT to be code for vaginas) and painted a vagina on it. and of course people got mad about it, because it might be 2010 and we might be open-minded about everything, but you can’t just paint vaginas on stuff without someone, probably an old person, getting worked the fuck up about it. frankly, if i was in a town council meeting (this would probably be an entertaining-but-poorly-intentioned job for yours truly) and someone presented me with this vagina-covered beaver with the aforementioned description, i would just throw my hands up and say “look, you painted a giant vagina on it! what the hell! this will not stand!”

side notes: once again the internet hates me using “vaginas.” and seriously, “vagina-covered beaver” has to be a top ten ironic statement.

i’m actually more annoyed that she wants to claim it’s actually not a vagina, but “hands clasped in prayer.” ma’am, if you’re going to paint massive vaginas, just own them. don’t be evasive.

the secrets of... the crablouse
trust me, this lead-in picture will make sense shortly

Zack Snyder’s latest jaunt into the realm of ridiculous CGI

and by “ridiculous,” i probably mean “so ridiculous as to be awesome.” i can honestly say that, despite whatever flaws they had, i really enjoy his catalog of work as a director (i mean, we’re talking about the Dawn Of The Dead remake, 300 and Watchmen) and so i’d have to give this a solid chance even if i found the concept of a movie about a girl trying to escape from some imaginary reality while trapped in a mental institution to be less-than-100% interesting. so it’ll be crazy and there’ll be orcs and robots and god knows what else, and i’ll pay $10 or so dollars to see it in 2011. for now, however, let’s talk about why this trailer is funny to me:

like i said, it looks absolutely ridiculous (samurai swords and orcs and assault weapons? oh my!) and i will probably go see it; however, what i found most excellent/ridiculous about this trailer is the selection of music it’s set to. having tried to mock this on the internet before, i get the impression that there are only a couple of people i know who caught what the particular piece of Belgian techno-industrial-whatever that kicks in at 00:27 in this trailer is. so without further ado, let me welcome you all to the joke: it’s a song by the Lords Of Acid entitled “the Crablouse.”

now, to be clear, whatever you think of said Lords, their 1994 album Voodoo-U rocks (i was rocking it in the Civic this week to prep myself mentally for the trials of writing an update) and the song itself especially does; it’s got a good sound and i completely understand why they’d use an instrumental version of it for an action-packed trailer. still, however, this is funny because we’re talking about a song that’s about a blood-sucking parasitic insect notorious for infesting human genitals that attaches itself to a woman’s vagina in the song and the possible sexual benefits of said parasite (at least according to the chorus, which is much more ambivalent about the matter than the verses are) … and it’s part of a trailer about a bunch of young girls having adventures.

so at least i personally think this is funny/inappropriate; maybe you don’t agree, but fuck it, this is my internet site. disagree elsewhere! or below in the comments. and with that… enough vagina talk for the week.