“we are aware there is an incident … we do not have details and will have no comment.”

in honor of our approaching football season (go Raiders), i figured that when i did this “oh, take some random links about things and make some tired jokes about them” update for the week, i’d throw in a couple that relate to the sport in question. it turns out that this was a good idea, because the rest of the “topics” are pretty much just me revisiting some of this website’s most perfectly dominating obsessions. but you know how this internet thing goes.

John Gill and friends
things are about to get disheveled and soiled up in here

Colts’ John Gill arrested for public intoxication

so, to start with, this doesn’t seem like a really ridiculous story: one of the Indianapolis Colts’ defensive tackles, a youngster by the name of John Gill, got himself arrested for public intoxication (after which he was released from jail with no charges filed), which is really nothing exceptional in terms of “football player arrests.” granted, with Lawrence Phillips behind bars, the odds of a football player “allegedly driving a car into three teenagers, following a dispute with the teens during a pick-up football game” have gone down dramatically, but it’s not like NFL players (or their subhuman relatives, CFL players) are great at completely avoiding trouble. and yes, no matter what OJ or anyone else has every done, that Phillips car attack is THE greatest NFL-related crime ever. let there be no further debate.

so, whatever, John Gill was publicly intoxicated and released, no big deal, right? well, it turns out that Gill was, according to the police, “found passed out in a ditch at 4 a.m, smelling of a strong odor of alcohol, speaking with a slur and having trouble standing.” this is pretty bad, not so much for smelling of liquor and wobbling around, but because he was found IN A DITCH, but they go on to state that Gill was allegedly “disheveled and soiled.” and i don’t know what that’s even supposed to mean, because obviously the guy should be soiled, as he was in a ditch. and really, is a lawyer going to dispute this point? “your honor, while my client was found passed out in a drainage ditch alongside Route 97, we want to go on the record that he was NOT soiled.” so i have to assume that “soiled” means Gill was “covered in all manner of filth that can issue forth from the human body.”

also, the Colts “didn’t have much to say about the situation.” indeed!

unrelated note: i’m just kidding, CFL players, you know i love you guys. go Roughriders! seriously, the Roughriders, despite their awkward name AND the fact that the CFL once had TWO teams named the Roughriders (i mean, one was the “Rough Riders,” but this is still a classic moment of Canadian ridiculousness), are my team. i should really buy a share of them so that i can feel like a big man.

related note: in the Yahoo! article i link to, they accidentally call the team’s spokesman “Colts team spokeman John Gill.” granted, this is clearly a mistake, but i find it extra hilarious to imagine John Gill functioning as a spokesman for this team. “why were you found drunk and soiled, John?” “clearly the team has no fucking comment about this.”

not-that-humorous note: insert a pun here about how the abbreviation for defensive tackles, DTs, is now doubly appropriate in this circumstance. you know, because of the delirium tremens concept. ahahahahaha.

Vladimir Putin and aircraft
Putin’s next mission: taking out this internet dude that keeps obsessing over him

yet another brief update on our favorite topics #1: Putin’s even more recent shenanigans

as far as i can tell, Russia is either a) burning to the ground right now or b) merely mostly on fire, but with everyone in Russia dying of the heat being caused by it. luckily, like he’s goddamn Batman or something, our hero Vladimir Putin is all over this! no, seriously, he’s hopped “on a firefighting plane to put out two blazes in the Ryazan region.” and if this doesn’t sound impulsive enough: “Putin, wearing a blue shirt and jeans, boarded a Russian-built Be-200 amphibious aircraft as a passenger for a flight over the Ryazan region. But he later went into the cockpit and sat in the co-pilot’s seat, holding the throttle and pushing a button to dump 24 tons of water on forest fires about 200 kilometers southeast of Moscow.”

this article goes on to note Putin’s lack of “known pilot training” and contradictory flashy appearances piloting aircraft. which, if you ask me, counts as “known pilot training,” even if the first time he flew it WAS some ridiculous “watch me just DO this shit” event. ultimately, i am left with two final thoughts about this event:

01. granted, this event was staged in the same way that the later part where he showed up in damaged areas and promised cash and firetrucks (apparently, you bribe sad Russians in the same way you bribe an eight-year-old child, with the possible substitution of “vodka” for “candy”) … but at the same time, like always, i cannot help but presume that Putin really does these things randomly. he’s at home… playing with his dog… and then BAM! he’s fighting a fire somewhere and then maybe he fights some street crime.

02. even assuming that my president is more serious and legitimate than Putin… and even knowing that my president is probably, hopefully working on something of consequence… and even with the additional note that the USA “rules”… i am still so jealous of Russians right now. but only until i forget about the latest Putin story.

black bear and furniture
what this bear needs is… supreme pizza

yet another brief update on our favorite topics #2: bears doin’ additional thangs

yes, somewhere in America, a bear did something, and i am immediately notifying America of it. let’s just cut immediately to critiquing this article describing the event, shall we?

“Brazen black bear breaks into Montana houses”

so the thing i have to note here is that i am not sure how “brazen” a bear can actually be; while i suppose “marked by contemptuous boldness” does seem to fit what a bear does, at the same time, i can’t imagine they’re consciously aware of how “impudent” or “presumptuous” they seem. bears just want to eat and scratch their bodies on things.

“A brazen black bear with a late-night hankering for supreme pizza surprised a Montana resident last week, and it’s not the first time the animal has eluded capture. The bear is believed responsible for about 21 break-ins in the Red Lodge area in south-central Montana over the past few weeks.”

actually, this bear may qualify as brazen, since it’s apparently responsible for a crime spree of some time. this also makes me wonder if blaming bears wouldn’t be good cover for a burglary ring. “a brazen black bear with a late-night hankering for PS3s and jewelry surprised a Montana resident last week.”

“”He was about four feet from me with his head in the freezer munching on a pizza,” Rosin said. “It was almost comical if it wouldn’t have been that close.” Rosin scared the bear off before it could eat anything more.”

actually, no, if you scare a bear off while it’s eating, that’s comical. the only thing not comical about it remains the damage to your home.

“Most of the break-ins involve the bear climbing through a screened window or breaking through a screen door to access refrigerators or freezers, said Shawn Stewart, a Fish, Wildlife and Parks biologist.”

most? i DEMAND to hear about the rest.

Swayze Waters and football
compared to the number of pictures of Patrick Swayze you find when searching for “Swayze Waters,” these candid shots of Swayze are like the rare and valuable rubies of the internet

the existence of an NFL player known as “Swayze Waters”

now, in fairness, this is partially about another random house of hate obsession, not just football, but bear with me. so i’m watching this Dallas-Oakland preseason game (go Raiders), which the Raiders managed to win 17-9, proving nothing except that a defeat of Dallas will ALWAYS warm my heart … and i notice the Raiders have this other kicker getting game time in what is assuredly an effort to spare our noble titan of a kicker Sebastian Janikowski some exertion. and since by “watching this Dallas-Oakland preseason game” i mean “watching it … on the internet,” they have our other kicker listed as “S. Waters,” and so i click on the guy’s name to get some trivia on him.

and his name turns out to be “Swayze Waters.” what the hell?

now, i think we all know that this website unabashedly (and emotionally) promotes the work of Patrick Swayze, so we all know i was blown away by this twist of a name. it didn’t even occur to me that you could name your kid Swayze! are his parents huge fans of Road House or what? what the hell is going on down in Jackson, Mississippi? i’m sure it can’t be anything good, because we’re talking about Mississippi … but still, i want answers!

now this kid won’t make the final team; anything’s possible, i suppose, but a cool name will only take you so far in life. still, for one brief shining moment in August, a man named Swayze was being taken seriously by some people. god bless America!

Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to “we are aware there is an incident … we do not have details and will have no comment.”

  1. FollenAngel says:

    i demand more bear updates!

  2. janklow says:

    one of the few things i think you DON’T need to demand of this website is “more bear updates.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *