Frank Vincent: possibly a vampire?

now, generally speaking, it can be said that i don’t believe in supernatural things: i think stuff like ESP and spoon-bending has been pretty conclusively shown to be mere tricks in the hands of Uri Geller, and, i guess, whoever else wants to like him; i don’t think Bigfoot or the Chupacabra or the Mothman or the Jersey Devil or the Loch Ness Monster are real; and i think UFOs are basically caused by mistaken identifications of Harrier jets and crazed rednecks chugging down Mason jars filled with moonshine. actually, the only argument i’m willing to listen to in favor of alien life is that it’s so hilarious that they only show up to whiskey-drenched rummies that it HAS to be legitimately planned by aliens.

but that being said, i try to approach these things with a skeptical but serious mind, not just blow this stuff off like Craig T. Nelson in Poltergeist; at the very least, i’m willing to bring in a tiny old woman with a weird accent to check things out, lest my children end up in the television. and so this is where i admit that i am starting to suspect there may be one factual supernatural being out there…

…and that’s Frank Vincent. i think he might be a vampire.

Frank Vincent
Frank Vincent: totally a vampire?

granted, i am not some kind of scientific “vampire expert,” so i’m not about to produce a blood test that conclusively proves that Frank Vincent is a vampire, nor do i have video of him flying around like a bat and/or drinking the blood of some nubile young victims, although i DO think that with the proper funding and the right bait, i could… never mind, never mind. let’s not get distracted by future tests that will be run to conclusively prove his vampire status. but i DO think there’s a solid case to be made for Frank Vincent totally being a vampire, and not one of those lame ones that shoot glitter out and romance young girls and fight werewolves. so let’s run through some of these basic “vampire traits,” as provided by the internet’s most accurate source of information, and see if we can’t prove it, shall we?

Frank Vincent and Joe Pesci
Frank Vincent, circa 1980. note that Frank Vincent looks exactly like current Frank Vincent (minus the hair color change meant to throw you off the scent), while Joe Pesci has aged TERRIBLY

immortal lifespan
this is, in my opinion, the strongest indication that Frank Vincent is, in fact, a vampire, and this occurred to me while i was reading some article about Goodfellas. remember Goodfellas? Frank Vincent would show up 14 years later in the Sopranos… looking exactly the same. now granted, actors try to (and sometimes do) preserve their appearances. still, usually when you get old, your appearance starts to noticeably change… and Frank Vincent is SUPPOSEDLY 71 years old. the fact that he’s had essentially no physical change except for his hair changing color since 1980 tells me that this man is not aging like a normal human being. actually, i’m starting to think that he just dyed his white hair a dark color for Raging Bull. it’s the ultimate deception!

Frank Vincent
notice how Frank Vincent appears to have NO REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR

vampiric appearance
now, most people focus on things like “Frank Vincent doesn’t have fangs” and “Frank Vincent has a reflection and a shadow” to argue he doesn’t fit the physical depiction of a vampire. but that’s cheating a little, if you ask me; most vampire works seem to allow the shadow thing (let’s be honest, it’s more ominous) and to be honest, i don’t think i have ever seen Frank Vincent’s reflection in a mirror. there’s a solid chance he doesn’t actually have one. and let’s focus on what we do know: Frank Vincent supposedly an Italian… but is oddly pale, much like a vampire. vampires are commonly described as “predatory” and “alluring” in appearance at the same time, which seems like a weird contradiction (after all, who finds an animal stalking them as if they were food to be appealing)… until you sneak a peek at Frank Vincent. his expression seems to combine the sentiments of “i am going to crush your bones and throw your corpses in the trunk of my car” with “would you like to come back to my house and watch me play some piano?”

also, i think we all know that Dracula came from Eastern Europe, and Frank Vincent’s eyebrows seem to scream “Slavic descent” at me. MAYBE HE’S DRACULA.

Frank Vincent and some dude
the first search result for “Frank Vincent powers” clearly shows Frank Vincent using his vampiric powers of suggestion to make a dude drink a drink

vampire powers
beyond the immortal lifespan (which is a pretty cool power as is), vampires are generally supposed to have lots of cool powers that will totally let them get revenge on all those bullies that ripped on them in high school. it seems pretty clear that Frank Vincent must have, but be holding back, his unnatural strength, speed and senses, because while you never seen him bursting through brick walls or… uh… running really fast (something i have never seen any OTHER vampires do), he certainly seems to move around shockingly well for a 71-year-old man. most dudes that age just sit around and complain; Frank Vincent just makes movies and is impossibly cool.

Frank Vincent
the vampire Frank Vincent does not even fear the full blast of the sun’s rays. truly his powers are great

supernatural weaknesses
this is where my thesis is a little more weak, because obviously no man has managed to kill Frank Vincent (perish the thought), and so we don’t really have proof that if you threw garlic or holy water on him, he’d burn and flip out. on the other hand, this weaknesses thing seems to vary wildly, so there’s always the chance that if you DID through holy water on him, he’d just be pissed off and kick your ass (this part of the scenario seems like a given no matter what you do), and it wouldn’t mean anything either way. so let’s not worry about finding this out for sure unless you really want to get killed by a vampire named Frank Vincent.

Frank Vincent is totally a vampire. remember i said this 30 years from now when he still looks the same, he’s still making movies, and you’re thinking, “isn’t this guy supposed to be 101 years old? what gives?”

“he is so tall that he does not need to jump up to do a smash”

as most regular readers of this wonderful website (all three of you!) know, i generally enjoy tracking down random articles on the internet (and by “tracking down,” i of course mean “happening to randomly read”) and then poring over them making as many jokes and/or angry points about them as i can. it’s a relatively inexpensive way to provide content for the site, and has successfully made me upwards of $0 at this point. and should you happen to scoff at this financial data, i’ll have you know that i once found 26 cents in the driveway outside my house, and i’m counting that towards the total profit house of hate has made at this point. beyond that the finances have been… well, nothing positive. but i digress!

ANYWAY, sometimes you come across articles that are fun to mock and you can maybe make a joke or two about, but aren’t really suited towards some sort of half-assed comedy breakdown; you hate to NEVER turn to them for material (because what are you, janklow, constantly bursting with comedy?), but they don’t work in our usual format. so today we’re going to run through a handful of these and rip on them ever so slightly. (and they’re not all 100% breaking news, so, whatever, deal with it.)

The Other Guys
i mean, i understand that Mark Wahlberg makes guns seem cool as hell… but on the other hand, it’s not like children have suddenly started avoiding things their parents want them to

San Francisco bans guns… for movie poster cops?!

now there are certain cities that we all love to rag on for being ridiculous, and San Francisco is one of the most prominent of them: it’s filled with, as best as i can tell, smug, self-important hippies who happen to think they know more than everyone else in America about how to run things, while simultaneously being outraged about anyone else in America having an opinion that dares affect them. yeah, this is sort of a hostile description, but what do you expect? i’m a gun owner from the South! so this story seems like a weird joke, but totally accurate:

“[T]he city of San Francisco’s Municipal Transportation Agency (SFMTA) doesn’t allow advertisements with guns in them. Specifically, SFMTA advertising policy regarding firearms says, “…No such advertisement shall: …appear to promote the use of firearms.” One victim of the policy … is a subway poster for the action-comedy movie “The Other Guys.” The official poster for the movie shows Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg (their characters are law enforcement officers, no less) flying through the air with guns drawn. Typical movie stuff. But not for SFMTA, which apparently finds the poster threatening and will only allow a revised poster, featuring Ferrell holding a can of pepper spray and Wahlberg sporting only his fists, as they supposedly take on the bad guys.”

this reminds me of the whole E.T. thing again, in that i fail to understand why it’s a big deal to present people who constantly, legitimately use guns using guns. take E.T.: don’t federal agents carry guns? don’t we expect children to understand this and not automatically be seized by spasms of fear? exactly. and it’s the same thing here: San Francisco presumably has police officers (no matter how much all those hippies hate them) and they presumably carry firearms as part of their job… so what’s the big deal with showing police officers carrying firearms in a poster? fucking ridiculous.

preventing sex acts with horses since 07.31.2009
it seems like this woman’s work will never be done in this sad, sad country of ours

local man suspected of performing sex acts with neighbor’s horses

so as we have already discussed on this website, dudes breaking onto other dudes’ property to sex up their animals is awkward and terrible for the people involved, but always funny for the rest of us: i may have even boiled it down to the maxim “‘sex with a horse’ generally leads to comedy gold.” i say generally because i’m sure it’s not funny if you’re the owner of the horse(s) or the horse(s) themselves, although i have no sympathy for the latter. horses are nasty, disrespectful animals, and elephants are much better. but once again these kinds of shenanigans hit the internet news:

“Allen and Priscilla McDearmid say they don’t feel as safe as they once did on their Havana farm. Someone has been trespassing on their property and leaving personal and very graphic items behind in the barn. … Deputies say the items left behind were sexual in nature. When Linn came to the barn Tuesday night and saw investigators waiting for him, he took off into the woods, and deputies found him hours later. … “I have walked these pastures in the middle of the night checking on mares that were due to foal, and never felt the slightest worry about being endangered and now, I don’t even like to have the dog out at night lately because we don’t know if that man is standing over there in the corner somewhere watching,” says Priscilla.”

in summation, they want to prosecute the guy for bestiality, but apparently Florida is one of 16 states that legally permit it (i imagine you at LEAST suffer some social shame). and i really do feel bad for the owners of the horses, because they clearly have lost some peace of mind about their home and their safety there. but there are three humorous observations i have to make:
01. what were these “personal and very graphic items?” they clearly didn’t identify the perpetrator, but were also clearly “sexual in nature.” was it man-on-horse pornography?
02. this guy’s escape plan was to run off into the woods… and then be found there later? terrible.
03. okay, this isn’t humorous, but it’s a little sad how this woman seems to live in fear that this man is out there peeping on her dog and having sexual thoughts about it.

Julian Assange
because a man who looks like this can always be trusted to never do anything less than savory

how WikiLeaks keeps its funding secret

this is really just a throw-away joke, but here we go:

“The controversial website WikiLeaks, which argues the cause of openness in leaking classified or confidential documents, has set up an elaborate global financial network to protect a big secret of its own—its funding. Some governments and corporations angered by the site’s publications have already sued WikiLeaks or blocked access to it, and the group fears that its money and infrastructure could be targeted further, founder Julian Assange said… WikiLeaks’s lack of financial transparency stands in contrast to the total transparency it seeks from governments and corporations. “It’s very hard work to run an organization, let alone one that’s constantly being spied upon and sued,” Mr. Assange said in the interview.”

it’s hard to run an organization that people spy on and sue? like, you know, the kind of governmental organizations that WikiLeaks watches… and tries to get inside information on… yeah… it’s certainly not like there’s a double standard here that any organization could rise above by being legitimately transparent or something. because that would be ridiculous!

Osama Bin Laden
it turns out that all of these books are actually about… volleyball?

Bin Laden, a secret fan of footie and Monty

actually, i have no idea how i missed out on this article, because it is fucking priceless. now granted, the joke here is a sort of “terrorists are real people too” theme… but come on, these factoids are ridiculous.

“Osama Bin Laden, the world’s most wanted fugitive, is an extremely useful presence on the volleyball court, it has emerged. “He is so tall that he does not need to jump up to do a smash,” said Nasser al-Bahri, one of the Al-Qaeda leader’s former bodyguards.”

volleyball? are you fucking kidding me? i mean, you hate the decadent US filled with crusaders or whatever… but you love volleyball? the sport represented world-wide by women in bikinis or, at their most modest, short shorts? and then i come to find out that they used to play this game all the time and make Bin Laden and former Al-Qaeda bigwig Mohammed Atef play on different teams because they were both “skillful and tall?” this is a ridiculous world we are living in, ladies and gentlemen. and there’s more!

“Bin Laden also likes playing football, preferably at centre forward. Even then, he never takes off his turban.”

does this not sound like some kind of Parker and Stone joke?

“He would often threaten to “whip” his children but seldom did so.”

now, that’s just disappointing. i mean, you think the US and whoever else does wrong requires the kind of correction that can only be meted out by exploding airliners into their buildings or tanker trucks into their embassies or whatever else… but when your kids are acting up in the far reaches of Afghanistan, you’ll talk all this “i’ll whip you” trash, but fail to back it up? weak, Osama, very weak.

and you know his kids are also disappointed, deep down: “Dad spends all this time planning to blow up America… but he’s too lazy to beat his own kids!” at this rate, they’re probably going to grow up to wear blue jeans and listen to rock music and smoke marijuana and HATE VOLLEYBALL.

more than just a mere potato
British dudes, WATCH THE FUCK OUT

genetically-modified “super potato” could save lives

okay, don’t be freaked out by that being a ridiculously technical article i’ve linked there, because i’m about to break it down for you: this new, powerful, genetically-modified potato has 1.6 times the protein of a normal potato and what i will describe as a “shitload more” amino acids than said normal potatoes, and potatoes are well-loved and commonly eaten throughout the world:

“The demand for noncereal crops will continue to increase as a consequence of the expanding human population. Potato is the most important noncereal food crop and ranks fourth in terms of total global food production. It is also used as animal feed and in industrial products. Today, potatoes are grown in nearly 125 countries and more than a billion people worldwide consume them on a daily basis.”

so this is clearly awesome news if this whole “potato++” thing works out. but all i could think of when i saw this article was “holy shit, the Irish are going to be completely unstoppable if this whole thing goes down.” the next thing you know, a legion of Irish supermen are going to be smashing through walls in Belfast and Derry, slaying British troops with their heat vision and throwing Big Ben into the English Channel. i’m not saying we shouldn’t go ahead with the genetically-modified potatoes… i’m just saying the British better be ready, because shit just might get real.

it was inevitable that i would one day lose it on the internet over escalator usage

it’s getting to be primary election time around here, so you know that means it’s about time for janklow to get excessive mad about a bunch of things and start ranting about them on the internet. but before i get into any rants about politics (coming soon!), let me get out a little bit of this rage on some non-political topics (well, mostly, anyway).

Jodi Picoult
in the future, Jodi Picoult shall be called “the female Nicholas Sparks,” and not for reasons related to their literary output

something about wildly-successful author Jodi Picoult crying about not getting enough critical acclaim

yes, it’s time once again for me to get outrageously offended by the critical sensibilities of best-selling authors. and frankly, i should probably acknowledge that any time an author does something like this, this is what i immediately think: why would anyone who’s very successful (i gather she’s sold something like 14 million books) in a trade where the vast majority of people in that trade are nowhere so successful be so angry?

“Yesterday morning, while the rest of the literary world was busy reading Michiko Kakutani’s rave of the new Jonathan Franzen novel, NYT-bestselling author Jodi Picoult took to Twitter to denounce the review as yet another instance of the NYT’s bias towards white males. Picoult wrote: NYT raved about Franzen’s new book. Is anyone shocked? Would love to see the NYT rave about authors who aren’t white male literary darlings.”

now i know Twitter’s not exactly conductive to relating a well-reasoned opinion on the unfairness of that review… but somehow i doubt she’s about to get serious and break down why either a) Kakutani’s wrong to praise Franzen in either this case or others, or b) Kakutani’s been unfair to her on occasions beyond to say it’s because she’s a woman. and i don’t give a fuck about Jonathan Franzen or Michiko Kakutani; i just hate crying millionaires.

“The NYTPicker contacted Picoult — the 44-year-old fiction sensation whose bestsellers have, at times, been mercilessly picked apart in the NYT by daily critic Janet Maslin — to see if she would explain her sentiments at greater length.”

see, and that says it all right there. you see, popular authors seem to have this opinion that their financial success is the equivalent of critical success. i mean, how dare someone pick apart their book? they sell millions of copies! i would personally recommend these authors do something more constructive, whether it be to do what they do best and enjoy the rewards of being, you know, FINANCIALLY SUCCESSFUL, or to use their new-found wealth to support them as they take the time to craft better and better works.

“It is my personal opinion that yes, the Times favors white male authors.,” Picoult told The NYTPicker. “That isn’t to say someone else might get a good review — only that if you are white and male and living in Brooklyn you have better odds, or so it seems.”

honestly, what i would have respected would be her taking the time to break down some statistics on this: what percentage of white male authors got a positive review versus those of any other combination of demographics. it’s completely possible her theory is accurate. but when you come out with this “it is my personal opinion” shit… well, sounds like sour grapes to me.

“In her comments to The NYTPicker, Picoult made it plain that her sensitivities derive from her own feelings of mistreatment by the NYT.”

called it.

“In a 2008 review of “Change of Heart,” Maslin said Picoult “seems to have written her latest tear-jerker on authorial autopilot.” Maslin went on: “When writers become this popular (Ms. Picoult’s books currently top both The New York Times’s hardcover and paperback best-seller lists), they can coast in ways not possible for the up-and-coming. The opportunity to be long-winded yet perfunctory, paradoxically daring yet formulaic, is available to only proven hit makers at the top of the heap.””

and Maslin is, essentially, correct. authors who are massively popular are more indulged by their publishers because they have the ability to sell books; this should not be surprising to anyone that recognizes that publishing is a business. authors that i enjoy (let’s say Stephen King, although i have to admit that when i say i enjoy him i suppose i mean “pre-1995” or something) that are very, very successful are able to put out books that seem to scream how an editor could have improved them; in King’s case, he admits he makes mild factual errors but doesn’t seem to have anyone looking over his work to correct them. that said, i’m not ANGRY with this concept, just at worst disappointed. so what gives, Picoult?

“The NYT has long made it clear that they value literary fiction and disdain commercial fiction – and they disparage it regardless of race or gender of the author,” Picoult said. “I’m not commenting on one specific critic or even on my own reviews (which are few and far between because I write commercial fiction). “

so let me see if i follow this: you’re not commenting on your own reviews… even though you are commenting that the Times “disdain[s] commercial fiction”… and saying that you “write commercial fiction.” why, one might think that you actually ARE commenting on the way they review your books! in fact, one might even advance the notion that there’s no way you’d be this emotional about their reviews if they DIDN’T apply to your own books.

“”True,” Picoult tweeted back. “But did you know what ‘lapidary’ meant when you read it in Kakutani’s review? I think reviewers just like to look smart.””

something tells me that Picoult doesn’t know what “lapidary” meant. and you know what? who fucking cares? get a dictionary out and look it up and learn a new word today!

you know, i’m never going to read any of her books because a) i have no interest in them and b) after all this, i just assume her books all suck. but the next time i find someone i know reading one, i’m going to ask them to confirm or deny this for me. actually, they’ll probably praise her; the number of people i know who assure me that Dan Brown “rules” makes me very, very sad.

Terry Jones
if nothing else, you have to admit that the man has one hell of a Civil War mustache

something about this ridiculous lunatic in Florida wanting to burn the Qu’ran for some reason

now, in fairness, my colleague J.Miles made the point that we’re all just giving this moron attention by discussing him at all, and this is probably true; the idea of burning Qu’rans isn’t illegal and shouldn’t be prevented legally, and a lot of the people furious about the concept are probably hypocritical about the topic. for example, if you’re offended by the Qu’ran burning and that makes you burn a Bible or an American flag or something … what gives, man? that being said, this Terry Jones character is so ridiculous that i would be remiss if i didn’t rag on the guy a little bit. so let’s do it.

“A Christian pastor today canceled his controversial plan to burn copies of the Quran, saying he had received a “sign from God” when a Muslim cleric agreed to move an Islamic center planned for a site near ground zero in New York.”

so let me see if i follow this: you’re Terry Jones and you think Islam is “of the devil,” and so you’re burning Qu’rans unless God tells you not to. but of all the things in the world that you think Islam/Muslims do that’s so evil… moving an Islamic center is the sign from God you get? ridiculous.

“Terry Jones said tonight he had been “clearly, clearly lied to” about what he said was a promise to change the location of the New York mosque.”

honestly, i think this guy really believed someone told him they were moving the mosque in response to his Qu’ran burning. as in, i think Terry Jones is not just a jerk or crazily angry, but that he is, in fact, an actual insane person. and those guys are ALWAYS hearing voices, or, at the very least, suffering from misunderstandings.

“”Our thought was the American people do not as a whole want the mosque at ground zero. If they were willing to cancel the mosque at the ground zero location or if they were willing to move that location, we would consider that a sign from God,” Jones told reporters today.”

stop talking about “the American people as a whole.” seriously. if you HAVE to claim popular support for anything you’re talking about, keep it to remarks like “the majority of Americans” (although i don’t know if that’s true or not) or “most of the handful of people i see at my church.”

at this point, i’m going to turn things over to Jon Stewart, who ripped on this guy much more successfully than i ever could over here at this link (provided this link works). note, if nothing else, that in the clip of Jones used during this episode, Jones implies that “moderate Muslims” should have no problem with him BURNING THE QU’RAN. what the fuck kind of logic is that?

uh... escalators?
why are you all just standing there? this is not the appropriate way to use an escalator! GET MOVING

something about the proper use of methods of transporting oneself around a public location

so i take this idea very seriously because i am often in the kind of locations that have these things… but seriously, people, we’re living in a society! and we’re supposed to act in a civilized way! and sometimes that means we’re going to have to have some refreshers as to how we move about public spaces, apparently. so let’s get started!

stairs: this one’s pretty straight-forward; keep to the right and keep it moving, and try not to knock over old people on your way up or down them. most people i observe seem to understand how they work, but here’s a nuance you might be overlooking: don’t stop directly at the bottom of the stairs when you get there. there might actually be people behind you proceeding down that same flight of steps.

escalators: this is a pretty big issue, it seems, and one that can be summed up with the following phrase: ESCALATORS ARE NOT A FUCKING RIDE. if you’re old and clearly need frequent rest, you can have a pass, but if not, keep it moving. and if you’re so pathetic that you can’t, then make some fucking room so that i can get past you. escalators are supposed to speed your climb to a higher story, not cause you to stand there slack-jawed and enjoy the scenery. also, if you’re dragging shit with you and that’s why you’re not moving, then please see…

elevators: this is the proper way to roll your bags and carts and other goods with you. they’re not supposed to go on the escalator. anyway, elevators seem pretty easy for most people to navigate, so let’s work on this: if you see me press the button for a floor, don’t fucking hit the same button right after me. they light up so that you can tell they’ve been pressed. there’s really no excuse (“oh, i didn’t see that you hit floor 13 right before i hit floor 13” doesn’t work), so just make an effort, okay?

moving walkways: see also: escalators, “NOT A FUCKING RIDE.” again, they’re meant to speed us all up, not let you decide to sit there and have a machine walk for you. sometimes i end up stuck on one beyond some people just riding them, and all i can think of is “this is why America is full of so many damn fat people.”

back by popular demand: MORE BEAR

recently, my sibling made a request that never needs to be made of this website: “i demand more bear updates!” i would presume that she’s unaware that 13% of this site’s updates ARE bear updates, but obviously she’s here reading things if she’s making comments about them. so i’m not sure what prompted this comment… but what i DO know is that bear updates are something i can totally provide. onward and upward!

marijuana and cops and bears, oh my
yeah… this doesn’t really seem like it’s going to end well

the ultimate marijuana farm security system: bears

i admit that, without even getting into the specifics of the article, this seems like either a FANTASTIC idea, or one that ends in tragedy. still, i look at it like this: at least sometimes tragedy is memorable. say you get eaten by bears that you’re training to function as security for your massive illicit marijuana farm: you’ll be infamous for years beyond your sudden, bear-related death. whereas if you get old and die of cancer, no one will care. but i digress. so what was going on in Canada?

“It is common knowledge in Christina Lake in southeastern B.C. that a local woman known as the “Bear Lady” had befriended the wild animals at her remote cabin. But no one seemed to realize the bears were protecting what police describe as a million-dollar marijuana grow-op.”

meanwhile, across- well, not “across America,” but “across the northern parts of North America where random old dudes get bears chill out in their yards,” police officers are preparing their bear spray and, presumably, large-caliber handguns to raid the homes of those “befriending wild animals.” there’s also two tangents we could go on from this remark: a serious-but-boring one wherein we debate what the minimum handgun you can shoot a bear with is (and maybe mock the Taurus Judge in the process), and lewd jokes about “befriending wild animals” … but let’s just keep it moving.

“Investigators say they confiscated a million dollars’ worth of marijuana plants growing in the thick brush. But first they came upon at least 10 full-grown black bears lazing about the property. Police were taken aback at first, and one officer armed himself with a police shotgun in case the bears became aggressive-“

taken aback, this i see. but maybe it’s the American in me, but wouldn’t you want to “arm yourself” with something REGARDLESS when you’re raiding what you believe to be a massive marijuana farm? i mean, you COULD think the info was questionable and you don’t HAVE to go in guns blazing… but i think i might have that shotgun either way. also, i like the media-style remark of “police shotgun”; does it shoot badges or something? why not just “shotgun?”

“”They soon realized [the bears] were very docile and very laid back, wandering throughout the property,” he said. Dog food had been left out for the bears, which seemed well-fed and posed no threat to the officers. With no interference from the bears, investigators removed between 1,000 and 1,100 marijuana plants valued at about $1 million from the property.”

and thus we’ve discovered the key problem with securing your 1000+ marijuana plant farm with bears: if you feed them a ton of dog food (dog food? how demeaning!) and get them used to you… then they might just expect those cops to ALSO feed them some dog food. i’m not saying it’s easy to train bears to attack, just that you might not want to rely on them. frankly, i’ve never seen bears as particularly industrious. and even worse for these bears:

“They were tame, they just sat around watching. At one point one of the bears climbed onto the hood of a police car, sat there for a bit and then jumped off-“

just sat around watching? actually, to be honest, if i was a police officer and a bear climbed onto my car, i might have to shoot him. i mean, it’s not personal, but that’s not the place for a massive animal like a bear to chill out. rub yourself on a tree, bear!

“They also found a pot-bellied pig in the house and a raccoon sleeping on a bed.”

this cracked me up because it’s exactly the kind of thing raccoons do. oh, this house is open? time to chill out on a bed. another article notes: “The pig was a little frantic at the sight of police, but the raccoon was pretty laid back about the bust and took it all in stride.” YES. i may have had my feuds with raccoons, but this is totally what they do.

“Provincial conservation officers are conducting their own investigation because it is illegal to keep or feed wildlife.”

frankly, this just seems unnecessary; if you’re already slamming someone for a 1000-plant pot farm, what’s the need to pile on with the “oh, they also fed some bears” charge? maybe marijuana-related charges are lighter than i think in Canada? i mean, i know it’s like the US, but run by hippies, but still.

“But suggestions that she had used the bears as guard animals were dismissed as false. “If she has a grow-op, that’s not why she [keeps the bears]. She feeds all the wildlife up there,” said one woman who has lived in Christina Lake for 30 years. “She’s just different. People in their rational mind probably wouldn’t feed the bears. You’d probably try to avoid them. But she puts food out for them.”

hey, “one woman,” you’re ruining the most awesome part of this story! also, am i irrational if i think i would totally feed some bears if they lived on my property? i mean, okay, i understand why you shouldn’t feed bears on a logical level; i just think that i wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to give them bacon and sandwiches and stuff.

lions and tigers and bears (are all being kept at this guy's house), oh my
no, THIS doesn’t really seem like it’s going to end well

bear owned by PETA foe kills its caretaker

oh boy. there are going to be some people gloating about this one, it seems.

“A bear fatally mauled its caretaker during a feeding on property holding dozens of other exotic pets owned by a man who drew the wrath of activists – and lost his license to exhibit – after offering people the chance to wrestle bears at a Cleveland expo.”

so, to be honest, i first just assumed this was one of those cases where a guy has a pet bear (or tiger or anaconda or whatever) and PETA was bent out of shape about it because of a combination of “we don’t think such animals should be kept as pets” and “we’re a bunch of self-righteous jackasses.” but as i think i’ve said in the past, when you keep a bear for the purposes of ridiculous performances, things are going to happen that you might not want to happen.

“The bear in the attack southwest of Cleveland was not one that owner Sam Mazzola had used for wrestling, officials said.”

oh… well… never mind. although i can imagine this OTHER bear (i suppose he kept some bears for wrestling and some bears as spares for when the first bears got submitted with spinning pile-drivers or final atomic busters or Siberian blizzards or whatever; i’m not exactly sure HOW you wrestle a bear) biding its time, expecting to wrestle, and then trying to eat a caretaker before it has to.

“A rescue squad took Mazzola to a hospital Thursday night with an unspecified medical problem that Lorain County Sheriff’s Capt. James Drozdowski said was not from any injury. Mazzola, who had filed for bankruptcy this year, returned to his home around noon Friday and did not comment.”

this is so ridiculously unrelated. a caretaker was attacked (and later died)… but the owner is taken to the hospital by EMT for an unrelated, not-described medical injury that had nothing to do with an injury? and really, you’d think a guy with “seven to nine bears and 20 wolves, and possibly a lion and three or four tigers” might have considered the financial ramifications of his lifestyle before purchasing wolf #13. also, POSSIBLY included a lion? how was this unclear?

“The bear was out of its cage for its feeding, “which was normal for this particular bear because the caretaker and the owner had been around it so much,” Drozdowski said. Mazzola was able to get the bear back in its cage by using a fire extinguisher. “We don’t know whether something startled the bear or what prompted the bear to get aggressive with the caretaker,” Drozdowski said. “We do know that it got aggressive with the caretaker and mauled him severely.””

thank for you stating the obvious, Lorain County Sheriff’s Captain James Drozdowski. “uh… we found this caretaker mauled with huge bite and claw marks all over his head and body at a house filled with bears… but we’re not sure what did it.” of COURSE a bear got aggressive and mauled the hell out of him! come on! anyway, let’s take a moment to note that once again a fire extinguisher proves to be the best way to handle wildlife. frankly, people who are hiking might want to skip the bear spray or firearms for one of those little fire extinguisher.

“There are no plans to euthanize the bear, Drozdowski said. Authorities will investigate before deciding on any criminal charges.”

i know they’re referencing Mazzola, but it totally seems like they’re considering charging the bear. “book ’em, Lou; one count of being a bear.”

“The property held about seven to nine bears and 20 wolves, and possibly a lion and three or four tigers, Drozdowski said. Mazzola said in a bankruptcy filing in May in federal court in Cleveland that he owned two white tigers, two Bengal tigers, an African lion, eight bears and 12 wolves. The filing also listed “Ceasar the Wrestling Bear” as a trademark Mazzola held.”

ah, okay, so i suppose there’s a degree of confusion as to what he owned, although i still don’t see how property can “possibly” hold a lion; either there’s a 330-550 pound, 6-8 foot long cat on the property, or there isn’t. still, the best part of this is the implication that the guy owned 12 wolves, declared bankruptcy… and then bought 8 more wolves. i mean, i know he could have bred them, but we’re mocking the perception here!

“When he moved into the area two years ago, he said, a neighbor showed him a video of a tiger loose on their street. “They caught the tiger” without incident, O’Leary said.”

you know, you never catch a tiger without incident. if there’s a loose tiger on your street, then there’s a goddamn incident going down.

“He pleaded guilty in September 2009 in federal court to taking a black bear to Toledo without a license, records show. He also pleaded guilty to selling a skunk without a license at a pet store he operated and trying to sell another skunk.”

now THIS is a ridiculous criminal record. taking a black bear to Toledo without a license? selling a skunk without a license? god bless America!

Russians and Putin and bears, oh my
Putin carefully sizes up the only animal in nature he considers a match for his physical powers

Putin warns bears, shoots whale

so it’s Vladimir Putin AND bears again… so you know it has to be discussed here on the website.

“Bears should be afraid of people, not the other way around, claimed Prime Minister Vladimir Putin during a working visit to Russia’s Far East. The PM was discussing the problem of poaching in the region, as he observed some brown bears in their natural habitat for himself.”

so i admit that this seems more like “bears should be concerned about people in order to keep themselves safe” than the “bears should fear MY POWER” type of story i thought it might be originally. but still…

“During the visit, one journalist asked whether it was safe to be close to the bears. Putin responded by suggesting it is the bears who are the vulnerable ones.”

…and then he ordered several attack helicopters to blast them into pieces for questioning his governing abilities.