now, generally speaking, it can be said that i don’t believe in supernatural things: i think stuff like ESP and spoon-bending has been pretty conclusively shown to be mere tricks in the hands of Uri Geller, and, i guess, whoever else wants to like him; i don’t think Bigfoot or the Chupacabra or the Mothman or the Jersey Devil or the Loch Ness Monster are real; and i think UFOs are basically caused by mistaken identifications of Harrier jets and crazed rednecks chugging down Mason jars filled with moonshine. actually, the only argument i’m willing to listen to in favor of alien life is that it’s so hilarious that they only show up to whiskey-drenched rummies that it HAS to be legitimately planned by aliens.
but that being said, i try to approach these things with a skeptical but serious mind, not just blow this stuff off like Craig T. Nelson in Poltergeist; at the very least, i’m willing to bring in a tiny old woman with a weird accent to check things out, lest my children end up in the television. and so this is where i admit that i am starting to suspect there may be one factual supernatural being out there…
…and that’s Frank Vincent. i think he might be a vampire.
Frank Vincent: totally a vampire?
granted, i am not some kind of scientific “vampire expert,” so i’m not about to produce a blood test that conclusively proves that Frank Vincent is a vampire, nor do i have video of him flying around like a bat and/or drinking the blood of some nubile young victims, although i DO think that with the proper funding and the right bait, i could… never mind, never mind. let’s not get distracted by future tests that will be run to conclusively prove his vampire status. but i DO think there’s a solid case to be made for Frank Vincent totally being a vampire, and not one of those lame ones that shoot glitter out and romance young girls and fight werewolves. so let’s run through some of these basic “vampire traits,” as provided by the internet’s most accurate source of information, and see if we can’t prove it, shall we?
Frank Vincent, circa 1980. note that Frank Vincent looks exactly like current Frank Vincent (minus the hair color change meant to throw you off the scent), while Joe Pesci has aged TERRIBLY
this is, in my opinion, the strongest indication that Frank Vincent is, in fact, a vampire, and this occurred to me while i was reading some article about Goodfellas. remember Goodfellas? Frank Vincent would show up 14 years later in the Sopranos… looking exactly the same. now granted, actors try to (and sometimes do) preserve their appearances. still, usually when you get old, your appearance starts to noticeably change… and Frank Vincent is SUPPOSEDLY 71 years old. the fact that he’s had essentially no physical change except for his hair changing color since 1980 tells me that this man is not aging like a normal human being. actually, i’m starting to think that he just dyed his white hair a dark color for Raging Bull. it’s the ultimate deception!
notice how Frank Vincent appears to have NO REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR
now, most people focus on things like “Frank Vincent doesn’t have fangs” and “Frank Vincent has a reflection and a shadow” to argue he doesn’t fit the physical depiction of a vampire. but that’s cheating a little, if you ask me; most vampire works seem to allow the shadow thing (let’s be honest, it’s more ominous) and to be honest, i don’t think i have ever seen Frank Vincent’s reflection in a mirror. there’s a solid chance he doesn’t actually have one. and let’s focus on what we do know: Frank Vincent supposedly an Italian… but is oddly pale, much like a vampire. vampires are commonly described as “predatory” and “alluring” in appearance at the same time, which seems like a weird contradiction (after all, who finds an animal stalking them as if they were food to be appealing)… until you sneak a peek at Frank Vincent. his expression seems to combine the sentiments of “i am going to crush your bones and throw your corpses in the trunk of my car” with “would you like to come back to my house and watch me play some piano?”
also, i think we all know that Dracula came from Eastern Europe, and Frank Vincent’s eyebrows seem to scream “Slavic descent” at me. MAYBE HE’S DRACULA.
the first search result for “Frank Vincent powers” clearly shows Frank Vincent using his vampiric powers of suggestion to make a dude drink a drink
beyond the immortal lifespan (which is a pretty cool power as is), vampires are generally supposed to have lots of cool powers that will totally let them get revenge on all those bullies that ripped on them in high school. it seems pretty clear that Frank Vincent must have, but be holding back, his unnatural strength, speed and senses, because while you never seen him bursting through brick walls or… uh… running really fast (something i have never seen any OTHER vampires do), he certainly seems to move around shockingly well for a 71-year-old man. most dudes that age just sit around and complain; Frank Vincent just makes movies and is impossibly cool.
the vampire Frank Vincent does not even fear the full blast of the sun’s rays. truly his powers are great
this is where my thesis is a little more weak, because obviously no man has managed to kill Frank Vincent (perish the thought), and so we don’t really have proof that if you threw garlic or holy water on him, he’d burn and flip out. on the other hand, this weaknesses thing seems to vary wildly, so there’s always the chance that if you DID through holy water on him, he’d just be pissed off and kick your ass (this part of the scenario seems like a given no matter what you do), and it wouldn’t mean anything either way. so let’s not worry about finding this out for sure unless you really want to get killed by a vampire named Frank Vincent.
Frank Vincent is totally a vampire. remember i said this 30 years from now when he still looks the same, he’s still making movies, and you’re thinking, “isn’t this guy supposed to be 101 years old? what gives?”