back by popular demand: MORE BEAR

recently, my sibling made a request that never needs to be made of this website: “i demand more bear updates!” i would presume that she’s unaware that 13% of this site’s updates ARE bear updates, but obviously she’s here reading things if she’s making comments about them. so i’m not sure what prompted this comment… but what i DO know is that bear updates are something i can totally provide. onward and upward!

marijuana and cops and bears, oh my
yeah… this doesn’t really seem like it’s going to end well

the ultimate marijuana farm security system: bears

i admit that, without even getting into the specifics of the article, this seems like either a FANTASTIC idea, or one that ends in tragedy. still, i look at it like this: at least sometimes tragedy is memorable. say you get eaten by bears that you’re training to function as security for your massive illicit marijuana farm: you’ll be infamous for years beyond your sudden, bear-related death. whereas if you get old and die of cancer, no one will care. but i digress. so what was going on in Canada?

“It is common knowledge in Christina Lake in southeastern B.C. that a local woman known as the “Bear Lady” had befriended the wild animals at her remote cabin. But no one seemed to realize the bears were protecting what police describe as a million-dollar marijuana grow-op.”

meanwhile, across- well, not “across America,” but “across the northern parts of North America where random old dudes get bears chill out in their yards,” police officers are preparing their bear spray and, presumably, large-caliber handguns to raid the homes of those “befriending wild animals.” there’s also two tangents we could go on from this remark: a serious-but-boring one wherein we debate what the minimum handgun you can shoot a bear with is (and maybe mock the Taurus Judge in the process), and lewd jokes about “befriending wild animals” … but let’s just keep it moving.

“Investigators say they confiscated a million dollars’ worth of marijuana plants growing in the thick brush. But first they came upon at least 10 full-grown black bears lazing about the property. Police were taken aback at first, and one officer armed himself with a police shotgun in case the bears became aggressive-“

taken aback, this i see. but maybe it’s the American in me, but wouldn’t you want to “arm yourself” with something REGARDLESS when you’re raiding what you believe to be a massive marijuana farm? i mean, you COULD think the info was questionable and you don’t HAVE to go in guns blazing… but i think i might have that shotgun either way. also, i like the media-style remark of “police shotgun”; does it shoot badges or something? why not just “shotgun?”

“”They soon realized [the bears] were very docile and very laid back, wandering throughout the property,” he said. Dog food had been left out for the bears, which seemed well-fed and posed no threat to the officers. With no interference from the bears, investigators removed between 1,000 and 1,100 marijuana plants valued at about $1 million from the property.”

and thus we’ve discovered the key problem with securing your 1000+ marijuana plant farm with bears: if you feed them a ton of dog food (dog food? how demeaning!) and get them used to you… then they might just expect those cops to ALSO feed them some dog food. i’m not saying it’s easy to train bears to attack, just that you might not want to rely on them. frankly, i’ve never seen bears as particularly industrious. and even worse for these bears:

“They were tame, they just sat around watching. At one point one of the bears climbed onto the hood of a police car, sat there for a bit and then jumped off-“

just sat around watching? actually, to be honest, if i was a police officer and a bear climbed onto my car, i might have to shoot him. i mean, it’s not personal, but that’s not the place for a massive animal like a bear to chill out. rub yourself on a tree, bear!

“They also found a pot-bellied pig in the house and a raccoon sleeping on a bed.”

this cracked me up because it’s exactly the kind of thing raccoons do. oh, this house is open? time to chill out on a bed. another article notes: “The pig was a little frantic at the sight of police, but the raccoon was pretty laid back about the bust and took it all in stride.” YES. i may have had my feuds with raccoons, but this is totally what they do.

“Provincial conservation officers are conducting their own investigation because it is illegal to keep or feed wildlife.”

frankly, this just seems unnecessary; if you’re already slamming someone for a 1000-plant pot farm, what’s the need to pile on with the “oh, they also fed some bears” charge? maybe marijuana-related charges are lighter than i think in Canada? i mean, i know it’s like the US, but run by hippies, but still.

“But suggestions that she had used the bears as guard animals were dismissed as false. “If she has a grow-op, that’s not why she [keeps the bears]. She feeds all the wildlife up there,” said one woman who has lived in Christina Lake for 30 years. “She’s just different. People in their rational mind probably wouldn’t feed the bears. You’d probably try to avoid them. But she puts food out for them.”

hey, “one woman,” you’re ruining the most awesome part of this story! also, am i irrational if i think i would totally feed some bears if they lived on my property? i mean, okay, i understand why you shouldn’t feed bears on a logical level; i just think that i wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to give them bacon and sandwiches and stuff.

lions and tigers and bears (are all being kept at this guy's house), oh my
no, THIS doesn’t really seem like it’s going to end well

bear owned by PETA foe kills its caretaker

oh boy. there are going to be some people gloating about this one, it seems.

“A bear fatally mauled its caretaker during a feeding on property holding dozens of other exotic pets owned by a man who drew the wrath of activists – and lost his license to exhibit – after offering people the chance to wrestle bears at a Cleveland expo.”

so, to be honest, i first just assumed this was one of those cases where a guy has a pet bear (or tiger or anaconda or whatever) and PETA was bent out of shape about it because of a combination of “we don’t think such animals should be kept as pets” and “we’re a bunch of self-righteous jackasses.” but as i think i’ve said in the past, when you keep a bear for the purposes of ridiculous performances, things are going to happen that you might not want to happen.

“The bear in the attack southwest of Cleveland was not one that owner Sam Mazzola had used for wrestling, officials said.”

oh… well… never mind. although i can imagine this OTHER bear (i suppose he kept some bears for wrestling and some bears as spares for when the first bears got submitted with spinning pile-drivers or final atomic busters or Siberian blizzards or whatever; i’m not exactly sure HOW you wrestle a bear) biding its time, expecting to wrestle, and then trying to eat a caretaker before it has to.

“A rescue squad took Mazzola to a hospital Thursday night with an unspecified medical problem that Lorain County Sheriff’s Capt. James Drozdowski said was not from any injury. Mazzola, who had filed for bankruptcy this year, returned to his home around noon Friday and did not comment.”

this is so ridiculously unrelated. a caretaker was attacked (and later died)… but the owner is taken to the hospital by EMT for an unrelated, not-described medical injury that had nothing to do with an injury? and really, you’d think a guy with “seven to nine bears and 20 wolves, and possibly a lion and three or four tigers” might have considered the financial ramifications of his lifestyle before purchasing wolf #13. also, POSSIBLY included a lion? how was this unclear?

“The bear was out of its cage for its feeding, “which was normal for this particular bear because the caretaker and the owner had been around it so much,” Drozdowski said. Mazzola was able to get the bear back in its cage by using a fire extinguisher. “We don’t know whether something startled the bear or what prompted the bear to get aggressive with the caretaker,” Drozdowski said. “We do know that it got aggressive with the caretaker and mauled him severely.””

thank for you stating the obvious, Lorain County Sheriff’s Captain James Drozdowski. “uh… we found this caretaker mauled with huge bite and claw marks all over his head and body at a house filled with bears… but we’re not sure what did it.” of COURSE a bear got aggressive and mauled the hell out of him! come on! anyway, let’s take a moment to note that once again a fire extinguisher proves to be the best way to handle wildlife. frankly, people who are hiking might want to skip the bear spray or firearms for one of those little fire extinguisher.

“There are no plans to euthanize the bear, Drozdowski said. Authorities will investigate before deciding on any criminal charges.”

i know they’re referencing Mazzola, but it totally seems like they’re considering charging the bear. “book ’em, Lou; one count of being a bear.”

“The property held about seven to nine bears and 20 wolves, and possibly a lion and three or four tigers, Drozdowski said. Mazzola said in a bankruptcy filing in May in federal court in Cleveland that he owned two white tigers, two Bengal tigers, an African lion, eight bears and 12 wolves. The filing also listed “Ceasar the Wrestling Bear” as a trademark Mazzola held.”

ah, okay, so i suppose there’s a degree of confusion as to what he owned, although i still don’t see how property can “possibly” hold a lion; either there’s a 330-550 pound, 6-8 foot long cat on the property, or there isn’t. still, the best part of this is the implication that the guy owned 12 wolves, declared bankruptcy… and then bought 8 more wolves. i mean, i know he could have bred them, but we’re mocking the perception here!

“When he moved into the area two years ago, he said, a neighbor showed him a video of a tiger loose on their street. “They caught the tiger” without incident, O’Leary said.”

you know, you never catch a tiger without incident. if there’s a loose tiger on your street, then there’s a goddamn incident going down.

“He pleaded guilty in September 2009 in federal court to taking a black bear to Toledo without a license, records show. He also pleaded guilty to selling a skunk without a license at a pet store he operated and trying to sell another skunk.”

now THIS is a ridiculous criminal record. taking a black bear to Toledo without a license? selling a skunk without a license? god bless America!

Russians and Putin and bears, oh my
Putin carefully sizes up the only animal in nature he considers a match for his physical powers

Putin warns bears, shoots whale

so it’s Vladimir Putin AND bears again… so you know it has to be discussed here on the website.

“Bears should be afraid of people, not the other way around, claimed Prime Minister Vladimir Putin during a working visit to Russia’s Far East. The PM was discussing the problem of poaching in the region, as he observed some brown bears in their natural habitat for himself.”

so i admit that this seems more like “bears should be concerned about people in order to keep themselves safe” than the “bears should fear MY POWER” type of story i thought it might be originally. but still…

“During the visit, one journalist asked whether it was safe to be close to the bears. Putin responded by suggesting it is the bears who are the vulnerable ones.”

…and then he ordered several attack helicopters to blast them into pieces for questioning his governing abilities.

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