as most regular readers of this wonderful website (all three of you!) know, i generally enjoy tracking down random articles on the internet (and by “tracking down,” i of course mean “happening to randomly read”) and then poring over them making as many jokes and/or angry points about them as i can. it’s a relatively inexpensive way to provide content for the site, and has successfully made me upwards of $0 at this point. and should you happen to scoff at this financial data, i’ll have you know that i once found 26 cents in the driveway outside my house, and i’m counting that towards the total profit house of hate has made at this point. beyond that the finances have been… well, nothing positive. but i digress!
ANYWAY, sometimes you come across articles that are fun to mock and you can maybe make a joke or two about, but aren’t really suited towards some sort of half-assed comedy breakdown; you hate to NEVER turn to them for material (because what are you, janklow, constantly bursting with comedy?), but they don’t work in our usual format. so today we’re going to run through a handful of these and rip on them ever so slightly. (and they’re not all 100% breaking news, so, whatever, deal with it.)
i mean, i understand that Mark Wahlberg makes guns seem cool as hell… but on the other hand, it’s not like children have suddenly started avoiding things their parents want them to
now there are certain cities that we all love to rag on for being ridiculous, and San Francisco is one of the most prominent of them: it’s filled with, as best as i can tell, smug, self-important hippies who happen to think they know more than everyone else in America about how to run things, while simultaneously being outraged about anyone else in America having an opinion that dares affect them. yeah, this is sort of a hostile description, but what do you expect? i’m a gun owner from the South! so this story seems like a weird joke, but totally accurate:
“[T]he city of San Francisco’s Municipal Transportation Agency (SFMTA) doesn’t allow advertisements with guns in them. Specifically, SFMTA advertising policy regarding firearms says, “…No such advertisement shall: â€¦appear to promote the use of firearms.” One victim of the policy … is a subway poster for the action-comedy movie “The Other Guys.” The official poster for the movie shows Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg (their characters are law enforcement officers, no less) flying through the air with guns drawn. Typical movie stuff. But not for SFMTA, which apparently finds the poster threatening and will only allow a revised poster, featuring Ferrell holding a can of pepper spray and Wahlberg sporting only his fists, as they supposedly take on the bad guys.”
this reminds me of the whole E.T. thing again, in that i fail to understand why it’s a big deal to present people who constantly, legitimately use guns using guns. take E.T.: don’t federal agents carry guns? don’t we expect children to understand this and not automatically be seized by spasms of fear? exactly. and it’s the same thing here: San Francisco presumably has police officers (no matter how much all those hippies hate them) and they presumably carry firearms as part of their job… so what’s the big deal with showing police officers carrying firearms in a poster? fucking ridiculous.
it seems like this woman’s work will never be done in this sad, sad country of ours
so as we have already discussed on this website, dudes breaking onto other dudes’ property to sex up their animals is awkward and terrible for the people involved, but always funny for the rest of us: i may have even boiled it down to the maxim “‘sex with a horse’ generally leads to comedy gold.” i say generally because i’m sure it’s not funny if you’re the owner of the horse(s) or the horse(s) themselves, although i have no sympathy for the latter. horses are nasty, disrespectful animals, and elephants are much better. but once again these kinds of shenanigans hit the internet news:
“Allen and Priscilla McDearmid say they don’t feel as safe as they once did on their Havana farm. Someone has been trespassing on their property and leaving personal and very graphic items behind in the barn. … Deputies say the items left behind were sexual in nature. When Linn came to the barn Tuesday night and saw investigators waiting for him, he took off into the woods, and deputies found him hours later. … “I have walked these pastures in the middle of the night checking on mares that were due to foal, and never felt the slightest worry about being endangered and now, I don’t even like to have the dog out at night lately because we don’t know if that man is standing over there in the corner somewhere watching,” says Priscilla.”
in summation, they want to prosecute the guy for bestiality, but apparently Florida is one of 16 states that legally permit it (i imagine you at LEAST suffer some social shame). and i really do feel bad for the owners of the horses, because they clearly have lost some peace of mind about their home and their safety there. but there are three humorous observations i have to make:
01. what were these “personal and very graphic items?” they clearly didn’t identify the perpetrator, but were also clearly “sexual in nature.” was it man-on-horse pornography?
02. this guy’s escape plan was to run off into the woods… and then be found there later? terrible.
03. okay, this isn’t humorous, but it’s a little sad how this woman seems to live in fear that this man is out there peeping on her dog and having sexual thoughts about it.
because a man who looks like this can always be trusted to never do anything less than savory
this is really just a throw-away joke, but here we go:
“The controversial website WikiLeaks, which argues the cause of openness in leaking classified or confidential documents, has set up an elaborate global financial network to protect a big secret of its ownâ€”its funding. Some governments and corporations angered by the site’s publications have already sued WikiLeaks or blocked access to it, and the group fears that its money and infrastructure could be targeted further, founder Julian Assange said… WikiLeaks’s lack of financial transparency stands in contrast to the total transparency it seeks from governments and corporations. “It’s very hard work to run an organization, let alone one that’s constantly being spied upon and sued,” Mr. Assange said in the interview.”
it’s hard to run an organization that people spy on and sue? like, you know, the kind of governmental organizations that WikiLeaks watches… and tries to get inside information on… yeah… it’s certainly not like there’s a double standard here that any organization could rise above by being legitimately transparent or something. because that would be ridiculous!
it turns out that all of these books are actually about… volleyball?
actually, i have no idea how i missed out on this article, because it is fucking priceless. now granted, the joke here is a sort of “terrorists are real people too” theme… but come on, these factoids are ridiculous.
“Osama Bin Laden, the worldâ€™s most wanted fugitive, is an extremely useful presence on the volleyball court, it has emerged. “He is so tall that he does not need to jump up to do a smash,” said Nasser al-Bahri, one of the Al-Qaeda leaderâ€™s former bodyguards.”
volleyball? are you fucking kidding me? i mean, you hate the decadent US filled with crusaders or whatever… but you love volleyball? the sport represented world-wide by women in bikinis or, at their most modest, short shorts? and then i come to find out that they used to play this game all the time and make Bin Laden and former Al-Qaeda bigwig Mohammed Atef play on different teams because they were both “skillful and tall?” this is a ridiculous world we are living in, ladies and gentlemen. and there’s more!
“Bin Laden also likes playing football, preferably at centre forward. Even then, he never takes off his turban.”
does this not sound like some kind of Parker and Stone joke?
“He would often threaten to â€œwhipâ€ his children but seldom did so.”
now, that’s just disappointing. i mean, you think the US and whoever else does wrong requires the kind of correction that can only be meted out by exploding airliners into their buildings or tanker trucks into their embassies or whatever else… but when your kids are acting up in the far reaches of Afghanistan, you’ll talk all this “i’ll whip you” trash, but fail to back it up? weak, Osama, very weak.
and you know his kids are also disappointed, deep down: “Dad spends all this time planning to blow up America… but he’s too lazy to beat his own kids!” at this rate, they’re probably going to grow up to wear blue jeans and listen to rock music and smoke marijuana and HATE VOLLEYBALL.
British dudes, WATCH THE FUCK OUT
okay, don’t be freaked out by that being a ridiculously technical article i’ve linked there, because i’m about to break it down for you: this new, powerful, genetically-modified potato has 1.6 times the protein of a normal potato and what i will describe as a “shitload more” amino acids than said normal potatoes, and potatoes are well-loved and commonly eaten throughout the world:
“The demand for noncereal crops will continue to increase as a consequence of the expanding human population. Potato is the most important noncereal food crop and ranks fourth in terms of total global food production. It is also used as animal feed and in industrial products. Today, potatoes are grown in nearly 125 countries and more than a billion people worldwide consume them on a daily basis.”
so this is clearly awesome news if this whole “potato++” thing works out. but all i could think of when i saw this article was “holy shit, the Irish are going to be completely unstoppable if this whole thing goes down.” the next thing you know, a legion of Irish supermen are going to be smashing through walls in Belfast and Derry, slaying British troops with their heat vision and throwing Big Ben into the English Channel. i’m not saying we shouldn’t go ahead with the genetically-modified potatoes… i’m just saying the British better be ready, because shit just might get real.