Komodo dragons shall henceforth be called “AWESOME NEW LIZARDS”

well, i know that it’s been some time, and you’re most assuredly chomping at the bit for the latest in random bear news, so rest assured that your prayers have finally been answered: we’ve got bears, and bears behaving quite inappropriately at that! i do, of course, wonder in my more reflective moments if such a focus on bears is any kind of way to run a website that’s theoretically not ABOUT bears … but who am i to deny the people what they want?

scavenging Russian bears
to prepare yourself for this article, try not to picture this face devouring your mother’s naked, disheveled corpse

Russian bears treat graveyards as ‘giant refrigerators’

now, living in Maryland, i know a lot of people that don’t hunt, and there are usually a couple of concepts they just don’t get; the first and most common, of course, is that there’s skill and effort involved – hunters don’t just walk out into the woods with automatic weapons and mow down a huge pile of deer, and while it seems like people should know that, they just don’t seem to get it. but the next big thing they miss is that sometimes, some animals just have to go. the best example of this is “nothing’s eating these deer that my car keeps crashing into, so someone better shoot these fuckers ASAP,” but now let’s talk about a story wherein bears may have FINALLY gone too far.

“But when the two women in the Russian village of Vezhnya Tchova came closer they realised there was a bear in the cemetery eating a body. … The shocked women cried in panic, frightening the bear back into the woods, before they discovered a ghoulish scene with the clothes of the bear’s already-dead victim chucked over adjacent tombstones, the Russian newspaper Moskovsky Komsomelets reported.”

so from the jump, it’s pretty clear that this is not going to be a hilarious story where bears get up to shenanigans and our reaction is a cross between “those bears, they’re just like us” and amused laughter. well, unless you’re a more abnormal dude that happens to think the prospect of a bear stripping down a corpse like a candy bar and getting scared off by shrieking ladies is funny. i know there’s a few of you dudes out there on the internet.

“Russian bears have grown so desperate after a scorching summer they have started digging up and eating corpses in municipal cemeteries, alarmed officials said today. Bears’ traditional food – mushrooms, berries and the odd frog – has disappeared, they added.”

to be honest, i’m less distressed that these bears are “desperate” for food -partially because i attribute this to laziness, as bears eating out of trash cans are clearly lazy and never accused of being “desperate” for Twinkies and hot dog buns- as i am that these bears supposedly survive on a diet of “mushrooms, berries and the odd frog.” has the author ever SEEN the muscled, furry, flesh-rending beast that a bear is? you don’t build that physique on fucking berries and frogs!

“Local people said that bears had resorted to scavenging in towns and villages – rummaging through bins, stealing garden carrots and raiding tips.”

STEALING GARDEN CARROTS. look, is it possible that some of the events here are the work of poor, vodka-filled Russians (or at least Russians who really love carrots) and not actual bears? because things would make a lot more sense for me if that was the case.

“You have to remember that bears are natural scavengers. In the US and Canada you can’t leave any food in tents in national parks,” said Masha Vorontsova of WWF Russia.

so this is what i am saying: are the bears “natural scavengers,” or are they “desperate” to eat carrots and corpses? i’m going to need you Russians to get together on this one and get back to me when you have a solid answer to the question. unrelated note: as a 70s baby, raised in the 80s (and barely touching 16 when shit got crazy), i will probably NEVER stop assuming the wrong organization is involved when i see the WWF acronym.

“In Karelia one bear learned how to [open a coffin]. He then taught the others,” she added, suggesting: “They are pretty quick learners.””

totally picturing a Far Side-cartoon-style image here. also, i keep correcting misspellings and other grammar issues from this article, which is not making me think well of the Guardian.

“According to Vorontsova, the omnivorous bears had “plenty to eat” this autumn, with foods such as fish and ants at normal levels. The bears raided graveyards because they offered a supply of easy food, she said, a bit like a giant refrigerator. “The story is horrible. Nobody wants to think about having a much loved member of their family eaten by a bear.””

ah, so i think we can agree that “bears like easy food” is the answer we’re going with here. also, in fairness, this is not a scenario where a much-loved member of your family is eaten by a bear; this is their CORPSE being eaten by a bear. it’s still pretty terrible, but i’d rather my mother’s dead body get eaten by a bear than show up at her house and found a bear smashed through a wall and KILLED her. also, i should probably apologize to my mother for using her in this example.

“The bear population in Russia is relatively stable with numbers between 120,000 and 140,000. The biggest threat isn’t starvation but hunting – with VIP sportsmen and wealthy gun enthusiasts wiping out most of the large male bears in Kamchatka, in Russia’s Far East. Chinese poachers have killed many black bears near the border, selling their claws and other parts in markets.”

honestly, guys, if the bears are constantly eating corpses and ravaging their way through gardens, it’s probably a GOOD thing that wealthy Western hunters and Chinese poachers are cutting down their numbers to some extent. because sometimes, some animals just have to go.

psychic octopus
although i have to ask, if this octopus is so smart, why doesn’t he follow a better sport than that lame “soccer” thing everyone but the USA USA USA loves

psychic octopus fails to predict own death

honestly, the worst thing about supposedly having psychic powers is that nothing bad can happen to you -such as death, for example- without everyone around you making lame jokes about your inability to see it coming. has no one considered the possibly that this octopus Paul was making carefully reasoned predictions on every one of those eight World Cup matches? maybe he was just a student of the game of soccer?

“Paul the Octopus, who gained worldwide fame this year by correctly forecasting the outcome of eight World Cup soccer matches including the final, has died peacefully of natural causes, the Sea Life Aquarium in Oberhausen said on Tuesday. … “He was dear to all our hearts,” [said the aquarium’s general manager, Stefan Porwoll], “and we will sorely miss him. He died peacefully in the night of natural causes.””

just remember that while for people, “natural causes” can mean many things, for an octopus, “natural causes” is basically limited to “got slightly old and died” and “cooked and served to Japanese guys.” so at the very least, it could have been worse.

“It said it would erect a memorial to the little brown octopus whose astounding predictive powers turned him into the true star of the tournament, eclipsing the likes of Lionel Messi, Wayne Rooney, Thomas Müller and Andres Iniesta. Spain, which won the tournament, embraced “Pulpo Paul” as a hero. There was a one in 256 chance that he would get all eight predictions right. Paul’s success rate confounded mathematicians, angered bookmakers and spooked hundreds of millions of football fans around the world.”

this is both awesome, because i would totally visit and photograph myself next to a statue of a random octopus, and sad, because you’re basically saying that every actual soccer player who played hard in the World Cup is taking a backseat to a random octopus with PSYCHIC POWERS … and it’s especially sad if you don’t believe people, let alone octopi, don’t have actual psychic powers. that said, i don’t get all these angry bookmakers, because it’s not like the octopus was playing in these games.

“Some Germans, disappointed by Paul’s unfavorable predictions towards their own national team, had joked that they wanted to fry him up as calamari.”

things that a psychic octopus doesn’t find funny: THAT FUCKING JOKE

“”In honor of Paul and in view of the worldwide interest, a memorial will be put up to him in our exhibition,” said the aquarium, which is clearly adept at milking his fame.”

also, i LOVE the way the article takes a shot at the aquarium using a popular attraction to benefit themselves. isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? i remember when my local zoo got some Komodo dragons and did the whole “come see our AWESOME NEW LIZARDS” thing; were they supposed to hide they in a back room as a surprise or something? okay, okay, that’s not a great comparison, but i think we all get my point.

“The small town of Carballino in northern Spain offered a €30,000 “transfer fee” because it wants to make Paul a mascot of its food festival, a disturbing notion.”

somewhere there are a bunch of Germans sitting in a back room somewhere asking themselves why they didn’t take the €30,000.

“Paul offered a welcome distraction. His success rate enabled him to brush aside competition from other animals chosen to rival his predictive powers during the tournament, for example a chimpanzee called “Pino” in an Estonian zoo, a parakeet called Mani in Singapore, or a crocodile called Harry in Australia.”

respectfully, i don’t see why you’d expect any of those animals to predict soccer better than an octopus. chimpanzees are fucking nasty, brutish animals, and this “Pino” (whose name is in quotes for some reason, even though the names of every other animal in this article aren’t) can’t be an exception; he was probably “predicting soccer” to trick some female zoologist to come close enough for him to bite off her face and rape her.

and a parakeet picking sports? they don’t have that kind of cognitive power, although i guess they could attempt to squawk out the names of teams, which would be endearing. finally, i don’t even see how a crocodile has anything to do with sports either. they don’t move unless they’re eating something, as far as i can tell, and an animal like that HAS to be offended by the constant motion of soccer players.

anyway, i’ll miss that saucy octopus. i liked the cut of his jib.

finally, one quick shot at a subject i LOVE to hate:

garbage-ass Jane Austen
aside from an editor, academics also note that Jane Austen could have used help from a stylist. BURN

Academic: Jane Austen Had a Lot of Help From Editor

most everyone that knows me knows i don’t have a lot of respect for Jane Austen -if the article was written by me, it would have been titled “Janklow: Jane Austen Fucking Sucked At Writing”- and while you can blame my feelings on many things, whether it be a belief that i don’t respect female authors (not really true) or that i can’t get down with intricate romances from the 1700s and 1800s (quite likely), just know that i find ripping on Austen very, very funny.

“She’s renowned for her precise, exquisite prose, but new research shows Jane Austen was a poor speller and erratic grammarian who got a big helping hand from her editor.”

AHAHAHAHAHA. although this does remind me of the cockiness of authors who think editors have NOTHING to do with the process of completing a book, even when it relates to notably good authors, and so i can’t really hate on Austen for that aspect of the issue … although i CAN hold it against that conceited idiot Anne Rice.

“Oxford University English professor Kathryn Sutherland studied 1,100 handwritten pages of unpublished work from the author of incisive social comedies such as “Pride and Prejudice.” She said Saturday that they contradicted the claim by Austen’s brother Henry that “everything came finished from her pen.””

AHAHAHAHAHA. and not only is it awesome that a female professor is the one busting her on this (theoretically sparing us from the inevitable reaction wherein people claim some dudes are framing Austen because they fear her femininity or something), but it’s ALSO awesome that, in the process, Austen’s brother is getting called out as a liar.

“”In reading the manuscripts, it quickly becomes clear that this delicate precision is missing,” Sutherland said. She said the papers show “blots, crossings out, messiness,” and a writer who “broke most of the rules for writing good English. … In particular, the high degree of polished punctuation and epigrammatic style we see in ‘Emma’ and ‘Persuasion’ is simply not there.”

AHAHAHAHAHA

“Sutherland said the revelations shouldn’t damage the reputation of Austen, who was little known when she died in 1817 at the age of 41 but has since become one of Britain’s most beloved authors. Sutherland said the documents reveal an experimental writer who was “even better at writing dialogue and conversation than the edited style of her published novels suggest.””

damn it, Sutherland, don’t start complementing Austen this late in the game! we’re insulting her here! anyway, it won’t damage her reputation because she has an avid fan base that could care less, and again, editing is part of the game. it makes the finished work better, and there’s nothing wrong with that. still… AHAHAHAHAHA.

what more can i say? i’m childish as hell about this kind of thing.

also, i hope someone caught that “Safe” reference up there, although, deep down, i know no one didn’t. still, just remember these two things:
01. there’s ain’t no sense in gambling if you gamble to lose;
02. if you make twelve dollars, put seven away, live off the five, and never ever fuck with your safe.

“as a karate expert, i will not talk about anyone up here.”

this week, as it happens, there’s apparently been a theme of “things that are basically about New York” and “things that are basically about firearms,” and sometimes these things overlap. the latter’s probably not a surprising topic around these parts, since janklow’s love of firearms is amongst his most renowned traits (beyond being a master of close-up magic, of course); the former… well, i’m not a huge fan of New York City, but i do often listen to a lot of New York hip-hop, so let’s pretend that i have some emotional feeling for the metropolis in question because i happen to think Pharoahe Monch rocks (err…. Organized Konfusion and/or Internal Affairs-era Pharoahe Monch, not Desire-era Pharoahe Monch, anyway) and get on with the update!

Jimmy McMillan
you might as well relax, because this picture is only the tip of the ridiculousness iceberg

Jimmy McMillan, the founder and “CEO” of the “Rent Is Too Damn High” Party

so maybe you don’t follow the electoral news in New York City -lord knows i can’t follow anything else- but you probably saw on the internet something about this “Jimmy McMillan” character. but let’s pretend, however, for the sake of allowing me to discuss this topic as content for the week that you have not.

now, i was recently debating with someone about how, in his opinion, the US elects “people” over “party” and that this is a mistake because you just get politicians who refuse to support the platform of the party they’re elected on the strength of; a good example of this, if you don’t follow, is the way conservative Democrats ran as Democrats and took advantage of their popularity/the Republicans lack thereof, and then turned around and refused to back things like universal health care that Democrats as a whole were theoretically running to promote. i see his point, but what he seems to forget is that allowing random, personable people into the mix gives us stuff like this:

since there’s all that video (and longer ones out there), let me limit myself to simply giving you my 13 most favorite things about Jimmy McMillan, in no particular order:

01. most obvious, his AWESOME facial hair. i truly do miss the era in which men rocked elaborate and fantastic mustaches and beards, and McMillan brings that back. he also attributes his raised profile to his mustache and the saucy name of his party.

02. he has a speaking style that’s not a traditional political one, but i love it because it’s much more in the style of a random showman, or possibly the style of “crazy dudes in Baltimore who wear leather “Darth Vader suits” and yell about the Bible on public access television.” it’s not politics as usual!

03. choice comment #1 from the debate: “listen! someone’s child’s stomach just growled. do you hear that? gotta listen like me.” because if you’re going to be a man of the people and address their very real concerns, it’s best to present it in terms of your supernatural powers.

04. choice comment #2 from the debate: “as a karate expert, i will not talk about anyone up here.” now, this was in regard to negative campaigning and, to be honest, it’s a legitimately solid, refreshing position. but you’re basing it on … being a karate expert? the result is that i am seriously working karate references into everything now; i tried earlier today to get my “moderate skill at karate” listed as a collateral duty on my performance review. i was, sadly, unsuccessful.

05. choice comment #3 from the debate: on the topic of gay marriage, McMillan’s position is basically “if you want to marry a shoe, i’ll marry you.” as in you and the shoe, of course, he’s not personally getting married to you. the position isn’t crazy, it’s just the fact that no politician would ever say this, even if they felt that way. they would HAVE to weasel their way around the issue..

06. choice comment #4 from the debate: McMillan declared that the deficit was like a cancer, and thus “it will heal itself.” i’m not trying to make fun of his medical experience in this regard, but let’s be honest: i don’t think that’s what happens with cancer. but note this: if a “real” candidate said that, it would be a huge mistake broadcast on the internet.

07. choice comment #5 from the debate: McMillan threw out there that “we plan to bulldoze some of those mountains in Upstate to make New York an independent state. i want my own cable company; i want my own telephone company.” i don’t know where this was going, although i am assuming by “my,” he meant for the city or state. i think.

08. that he had a dispute with the NYC Board Of Elections over the name of his party, “Rent Is Too Damn High”; they claimed the name was too long, he claimed they hated his language, and now he operates officially as “Rent Is 2 Damn High.” but what i mainly care about is the awesomeness of swearing!

09. let’s make this an additional point: McMillan himself ALSO knows how awesome it is that there are swears in the party’s name: “The ‘damn’ is what gives the party the hype it has … But once you take the ‘damn’ out, you lose the power.” he went so far as to say, regarding the Board Of Elections, that he would:
“love to put on my website that the Board of Elections can suck my dick, I would love to do that, but I got little children going to my website, I can’t do it, the motherfuckers. I would love to, before every one of them go to bed at night, suckin’ my damn dick. That’s what I’d love to put on my website. Every fuckin’ one of them, you know.”
to which i say, “hell yes.”

10. so, the gloves. so apparently McMillan served in Vietnam (cool), earned a couple of Bronze Stars (very cool) and was exposed to Agent Orange (not cool). so now he feels that if he doesn’t wear the gloves, he’ll get sick. this is either a tragic medical condition or a ridiculous medical concept, and i’d lean toward the latter with a guy who thinks cancer heals itself … but actually, he goes so far as to acknowledge this: “It could be psychological, I don’t know, but I just put em on and wear them anyway.” i totally respect that.

11. apparently his hero is Ronald Reagan? so that’s cool. everyone loves Reagan, right? even Democrats (which is what McMillan is apparently registered as, but i can forgive him that indiscretion).

12. his website. remember when every website looked like this, and it was considered awesome? well, some guys i know HATE these outdated sites -this is common with old dudes that run gun and gun-related supplies business on the internet, but who don’t know much about the internet- but i find them endearing and priceless. i’m weird, whatever, don’t judge me.

13. the fact that, even though his personal rent isn’t too damn high, he’s really motivated about this topic on behalf of the people. now, okay, sometimes this concept seems calculated, but he’s clearly not a calculating politician; one thing i DON’T think is in debate regarding McMillan is his sincerity on the issues he weighs in on. god bless this man!

anyway, i don’t live in NYC, i can’t vote for the guy, i know no one will vote for him because they’ll have to go for an “electable” candidate … but whatever, let’s just enjoy Jimmy McMillan while we can, because he’s awesome.

Michael Bloomberg
yes, i am making an effort to find unflattering pictures of Bloomberg

Bloomberg supports two-term limit for mayors who aren’t him

now, it’s probably a fairly expected thing for me to hate on NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg: on the most obvious level, i love guns, he hates guns, and i generally get disgusted by not just his stance on the issue, but his methodology when attacking guns. this is a guy who’s trashy little anti-gun group (Mayors Against Illegal Guns) claimed an inaccurately high number of guns used in crime in Mexico were traced back to the US, had that number contradicted by the GAO and the ATF, who were the SOURCE of the number… and then used the same number again as if it was new information without acknowledging the contradiction. it’s fucking ridiculously intellectually dishonest from a guy who claims to be the smartest guy in the room, and that makes me sick.

i further challenge any group like MAIG that claims they’re not anti-gun, just anti-illegal-gun, to show me what concrete thing they have done to benefit legal gun owners in ANY way, even a limited one. i’ll wait right here while they fail to do so.

ANYWAY, let’s focus on today’s outrage: this fucking nonsense position he’s taking on the issue of mayoral term limits in New York City. you may remember that prior to the last mayoral election, Bloomberg got the law changed so that he could run for a third term, a move TOTALLY not practiced by Latin America dictators. so now i see this article in the news:

“New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he supports a ballot measure to restore the city’s term-limit law to two terms. Bloomberg is responsible for changing the law in 2008 to three terms. He persuaded the City Council to extend it so he could run again.”

so let me get this straight: he’s responsible for changing the law (in that he pushed for it, not that he enacted it himself)… and now he wants to support a measure to restore it? that’s weird, because you’d think if he was in favor of a measure he’d continue to support it, unless there was a good reason. well, let’s read on!

“A spokesman says Bloomberg only supported three terms for himself, because the situation was extraordinary. At the time, Bloomberg said the city needed him to get through the financial crisis. He promised he’d convene a charter commission to put the question before voters again.”

ah, so THAT’s the good reason: he only supports it for himself; for anyone else, there’s no reason for them to need three terms! now, there’s basically a couple of problems i have with this:

01. this is such a classic example of an asshole politician supporting a move that blatantly creates a special circumstance that benefits him.

02. i’m not sure what Bloomberg has done to prove he DID get the city through the financial crisis. now, maybe he did, because i don’t live in NYC or scrutinize his every move. the gun stuff i hear about because he tries to stay active with it on a national level, but as for actually being the mayor… well, what the fuck do i know about that? but you’d think he could give SOME example, right?

03. this is a longer term issue, but here goes: so Bloomberg is saying that a third term was needed for him because NYC was in a crisis situation. could that NEVER happen again? do voters HAVE to elect the next mayor for three terms because they can? i remember when, before FDR, presidents COULD run for more than two terms… and they just didn’t.

anyway, fuck Bloomberg and his self-congratulating bullshit. that’s all.

and another final shout-out to Bloomberg

despite the fact that every time i purchase a handgun chambered in .40 S&W i immediately think “why didn’t i just get another 9mm?” … i have once again gone out and purchased a handgun chambered in .40 S&W: a SIG P229. this is the way i live my life.

SIG P229

it’s a nicely-sized pistol, but i happen to think calling it a “compact” version of the P226 is stretching the use of that term, even if it IS smaller than a P226. but i love pistols that are metal, metal and more metal, so that’s nice.

you stupid bunnies!

what i wanted to do this week was prove that i could reference internet articles about animals that were not bears. actually, what i wanted to do this week was more along the lines of “complete a hilarious and interesting article that wasn’t very dependent on internet articles” and “profit somehow,” with an emphasis on the latter. but then i used up most of my insane creative energy on a series of pony drawings and this complicated series of bits involving Scottish history and me almost choking, and so we’ve once again resorted to this.

but seriously, though, no bears this week. sorry about that. anyway, on with the stories!

WOUNDWORT DEMANDS WIRING
come back! come back and fight! cars aren’t dangerous!

car-eating rabbits invade Denver Airport

now, for those of you that don’t know, Denver International Airport, “often called DIA,” is this swanky airport that happens to have a completely insane mural that has caused it to be involved in a wide variety of conspiracy theories that (of course) involve the New World Order and/or reptilian aliens of some sort. what i’m saying is that you probably should expect ridiculous stories regarding it to surface, and this is no exception.

“In the category of weird but true, Denver International Airport may have a problem with pesky rabbits, who eat cars. Yes, cars. Traveler Dexter Meyer tells KUSA-TV he parked his brand new Turbo Diesel Volkswagen Jetta at the Pikes Peak Parking Lot at the airport as he headed off on a vacation. And it was eaten.”

all i can say about this is, “well, this certainly seems like quite the problem.” in my day i’ve seen a lot of wild animals acting up, but nothing like a car-eating rabbit; most of the rabbits i interact with are small, fluffy and critically-injured by cats. huh… that’s an unnecessarily depressing mental image. let’s just move on.

“When he got back nine days later, he says, “I turned on the ignition and all these lights started flashing. I pulled out the manual and it said I had a big problem so I took (the car) back to the dealership.” It was at the dealer, Meyer says, that he learned from the service manager the wiring of his car had been munched on.”

oh… the car wasn’t eaten by rabbits, it was DAMAGED by rabbits. the latter’s still pretty ridiculous and completely unexpected -seriously, how many people are concerned about rabbits eating a portion of their automobile when they leave it in long-term parking during a vacation- but i guess it wasn’t EXCITING enough for KUSA-TV. sorry that the problems of the common man aren’t EXCITING enough for you, KUSA-TV!

“The manager asked him if the car had been at the airport and told him “We’ve had a significant number of problems with rabbits eating through the wiring in people’s cars,” Meyer says.”

this is the part of the conversation where i would simply stare blankly at the mechanic before saying, “okay, so seriously, what was the problem with my car?”

“The repairs cost Meyer $238, and he has filed a complaint with the airport about the damages. “They said they were aware of the problem but basically said ‘We don’t know how to solve it…’ They said, ‘We have a fence,’ and I said, ‘I understand that, but it’s clearly not working,'” Meyers tells KUSA.”

decent retort from Meyers. “we have a fence?” a fence is only good for large, worthless animals like horses; there is no way rodents or near-rodents (as i am identifying rabbits) are going to be stopped by a fence. also, i don’t understand how this issue is so tricky: get a bag full of stray cats and let them loose in the parking lot in question. those rabbits will be absolutely DONE in a matter of time, because if there’s one thing cats love to do, it’s be evil and make me sick, but if there’s TWO things they love to do, the second thing is “cruelly slay small animals.”

“Denver airport officials says they see about a dozen such claims every year, but declined to discuss the matter further.”

i’m starting to suspect that Denver airport officials are, knowingly or not, feeding these conspiracy theorists with their lack of communication. “oh, we know there are a number of rabbit attacks in which cars are eaten… BUT WE CANNOT COMMENT FURTHER. sure, normally rabbits won’t eat your catalytic converter… BUT WE CANNOT COMMENT FURTHER. no, the Illuminati have nothing to do with these rabbits… BUT WE CANNOT COMMENT FURTHER.” repeat that joke as much as you need to.

aggressive mountain goat
it’s still very hard for me to stay mad at a goat, even if it may have murdered someone

goat examined as part of investigation of goring

so let me break down for you my favorite things about this article:

01. GOATS

02. the fact that the title says “goat examined as part of investigation of goring” as if they’re not REALLY sure how this goring occurred, so they have to look into all the options, including going so far as to investigate this goat. maybe the goat is innocent after all!

03. these goats are pretty extreme. it’s pretty reasonable that a goat might end up in a situation where it might flip out and attack some people; i’m mainly picturing one where someone’s trying to take a goat’s tin cans and cartoonish straw hat. but listen to some of these goat descriptions:

“I looked up, and you could see … that goat following, just breathing down his neck.”
“In 2008 … both park visitors and staff had reported a billy goat on the trail that had approached hikers, followed them and refused to back down.”

so what the hell is going on with these goats?

04. “On Sunday, she said it was unknown if only one goat or several were the subject of the reports. … “We also have reports of goats not moving off the trail or following people that are impossible to link to a particular goat.”” seriously, stop treating these goats like they’re human criminal suspects, it’s too hilarious for me to stand any longer.

05. so this is not my favorite part:

“”The rescue workers were trying to get in there, but the goat wouldn’t leave,” he said. “Eventually, they got a group of people together to scare him away, but he was still guarding the area an hour later.””

…because, you see, i happen to think that rescue workers responding to news of a potential goat attack -or, rather, any potential animal attack- ought to be equipped in some way to deal with the animal when they get there. no one can keep a shotgun in their rescue vehicle?

Pat McAfee... and ball
what i’m going to do at this point is attempt to make McAfee feel worse about himself by posting this ridiculous picture of him

Colts punter arrested after drunken, early morning swim

somewhere contained in this story is a cheap joke about how the only things to do in Indiana are “watch the Colts play football” and, apparently, “have drunken adventures of the type that, while fun at the time, are only going to be trouble for you later,” but i’m really too classy a gentleman to make this joke any more than i already have in this paragraph here. that said, lest you forget, it wasn’t that long ago that we were talking about punters being found “disheveled and soiled” in ditches, and apparently the Colts keep having other dudes locked up for drunk driving.

ANYWAY, the Colts have a punter named Pat McAfee, and it seems he was bound and determined to one-up the standard that John Gill set earlier this year, which is probably not surprising given the competitive nature of professional football, and he possibly did. why, let’s take a look at some of the high points of this article:

“Police were called after a driver at a red light reported that a man with no shirt approached her car. The woman told police she feared the man was going to try to get in, so she ran the red light and called 911.”

now, i am sure there are some areas of the US where it’s not completely insane for shirtless dudes to be roaming around; at the very least, this seems to be the common attire for guys during spring break, especially while they’re pranking that square dean! but if you’re thinking, “eh, what’s the big deal,” please remember that we’re talking about Indiana. this half-naked dude was probably the biggest crime of the year.

“According to the police report, McAfee was asked whether he was swimming in the canal and answered “I am not sure.”” When he was asked why he was wet, McAfee responded, “It was raining.” When he was asked where his shirt was, McAfee said, “In the water.” And when he was asked how much he had to drink, McAfee said: “A lot cause I’m drunk.””

now, if i was a police officer in this scenario, facing an obviously-drunken NFL punter who seemed to be in a debating mood, i would really have to fight the urge to be argumentative right back at him. how do you know your shirt is in the water if you didn’t go swimming, Pat? i admit, though, that it’s not the most professional response. also, not to be mean, and i’m sure he DID have a lot to drink, but how much more excellent would this story be if the “a lot” to drink was like three Zimas or something? and yes, i know they don’t make Zima anymore, but that’s not the point, it’s just getting mentioned for joke purposes!

“Officers said they had to help McAfee stand up after giving him a breath alcohol test.”

…well, that’s certainly one way to fail the test.

next week we can try and have some more original material, but i wouldn’t hold my breath if i was you.

this week in things janklow is outraged by: the Confederacy!

as i write these lovingly-crafted, packed-with-deeper meaning updates week after week after sad, bitter week, i try to put myself in the position of the average reader of house of hate. you know, caring about their likes, worrying about their dislikes, trying to keep the average update packed with beefcake photos of janklow lifting weights, you know, stuff like that. sure, this might result in a slight amount of redundancy as i hammer the “MORE BEAR” button on my update-writing robot until he just wishes he was dead, but it’s only because i CARE. i have your feelings in the forefront of my mind at all time!

so i am sure the reaction of you, loyal reader, upon seeing an update wherein i appear to be incredibly disgusted with the Confederacy is a cross between “of COURSE he’s disgusted with the Confederacy, as it was a bunch of men with love for horrible slavery and luscious beards bearing arms against the United States of America” and “what in the hell prompted this nonsense, because i know he didn’t just read some news article wherein it was declared ‘rebel forces fire on Star Of The West.'”

the beard of James Longstreet
make no mistake: those beards were truly wonders to behold

however, the sad fact is that i really, truly am turbo-pissed at the Confederacy this week. this was, of course, prompted by a discussion about underrated generals, and as always is the case, this brings us back to one George Thomas, the neglect of whom i admit i take a little personally. not wanting to bore you with all the ins-and-outs of the usual arguments i get into over this topic, let me break it down to the key points:

01. Southern generals such as Lee and Jackson continue to be overrated despite their documented mistakes because they have a rabid southern fan base, while legitimately successful Northern generals lack such a fan base;
02. personal failings of Northern generals (let’s say Grant’s drunkenness) are cited as full descriptions of said men while the personal failings of Southern generals (let’s say anyone who was pro-slavery) isn’t relevant to the discuss of their skills;
03. Confederates are fucking traitors and need to be acknowledged as such.

for the purposes of comedy, let’s focus on #3 with a brief list of things that i would do to acknowledge this fact if i had some kind of wonderful control over this nation of ours.

BRIEF LIST OF THINGS JANKLOW WOULD DO TO TOTALLY GET SOME PAYBACK ON THOSE DAMN CONFEDERATES IF HE WAS, OH, LET’S SAY EMPEROR OF AMERICA

that is one hell of a title for a list! let’s make with it:

Confederate memorial at Arlington National Cemetery
this would be, as they say, the motherfucking issue in question

remove the remains of Confederate soldiers from Arlington National Cemetery

i’m sure most everyone out there is aware of the basics of this information, but Arlington National Cemetery is a US military cemetery wherein we bury the remains of current and former military personnel in order to commemorate their service, with some additional exceptions for spouses and children of those buried there and, apparently, US presidents. lord knows why the guys with highly-trained bodyguards, pockets filled with cash and some kind of armored tank limousine need MORE commemoration, but whatever, they’re in, we have to move on. at least until the next update.

ANYWAY, what some of you might not know is despite the fact they seized the property of Robert E. Lee (or his wife, whatever) in order to make this cemetery, there’s actually a section for Confederate dead in this cemetery:

“In June 1900, in this spirit of national reconciliation, the U.S. Congress authorized that a section of Arlington National Cemetery be set aside for the burial of Confederate dead. By the end of 1901 all the Confederate soldiers buried in the national cemeteries at Alexandria, Virginia, and at the Soldiers’ Home in Washington were brought together with the soldiers buried at Arlington and reinterred in the Confederate section. Among the 482 persons buried there are 46 officers, 351 enlisted men, 58 wives, 15 southern civilians, and 12 unknowns.”

to which i say, fuck that. first off, this country is already filled with goddamn memorials for the Confederacy; there are towns and cities in America (i’m looking at YOU, Helena, Montana) that have memorials to their Confederate soldiers despite never having produced a single Confederate soldier. second, i’m struggling to think of a single gesture of national reconciliation the former Confederate States of America have made after the war; there are still unwashed Alabamians calling that conflict “the War of Northern Aggression.”

third, and most important, it’ll just be fun payback to round up those 482 carcasses and send them back to the south, or, perhaps more accurately, send them FURTHER south. actually, strike that, because i don’t want them turning into some kind of memorial. let’s just throw that trash in the ocean and be done with it.

unrelated note: this topic has also led me to argue that the US government should actively bury nuclear waste in sites that are meaningful to people who love the Confederacy. even as outraged as i am, i am willing to admit that MIGHT be a bit extreme.

related note: there’s also a tangent here about how the fucking US government went and turned Lee’s house into a national memorial to Lee, a traitor who led troops against the US. we’re probably going to touch on this shortly!

uh... encyclopedias?
found this while searching for images of “mention[s] of treasonous behavior into encyclopedia entries”; there’s nothing more i can add to this

insert mention of treasonous behavior into encyclopedia entries

this is definitely one of those things you can’t pull off without emperor status, because there’s nothing like the pesky First Amendment to get in the way of such hilarious revenge. anyway, my concept is basically this: whenever someone reads about a Confederate general, it ought to be immediately clear that this dude was, in fact, a massive anti-American traitor. let’s look at, say, the Wikipedia entry for Robert E. Lee:

“Robert Edward Lee (January 19, 1807 – October 12, 1870) was a career United States Army officer and combat engineer. He became the commanding general of the Confederate army in the American Civil War and a postwar icon of the South’s “lost cause.””

now, it’s at least mentioned that Lee was a Confederate general in the second sentence, but look at that shit: the basic summation of his life is that he spent his career in the US Army. personally, i can think of a significant time in which he wasn’t: 1861-1865, for some reason. oh, wait, that’s right, he was actively leading troops AGAINST the US Army. funny how we forgot that! anyway, this is how i think it should read:

“Robert Edward Lee (January 19, 1807 – October 12, 1870), [b]notorious traitor who fought the United States of America[/b], was a career military officer and combat engineer. He became the commanding general of the Confederate army in the American Civil War and a postwar icon of the South’s “lost cause.””

much better! now, granted, in the case of Lee, that might seem a little harsh, but fuck it, if you want to make an omelet, you’ve got to break some eggs. and it certainly works for all the OTHER Confederate douchebags out there.

“Thomas Jonathan “Stonewall” Jackson (January 21, 1824 – May 10, 1863), [b]notorious traitor who fought the United States of America[/b], was a Confederate general during the American Civil War, and probably the most well-known Confederate commander after General Robert E. Lee.”

much better!

serious additional note: if for some reason you object to me personally calling Lee a traitor, consider this: prior to Virginia’s secession and Lee actively fighting the US, Lee had once declared he would never take up arms against the Union. i submit that keeping that vow would have still have allowed him to resign from the US Army and simply not fight for the CSA, considering that he supposedly ridiculed the latter. but, of course, he was a traitor.

William Tecumseh Sherman
this remains the disheveled face after which all bases should be named

rename a large number of military bases

one thing that some people may not realize, whether it’s because they’re not students of military history or, more likely, because they just don’t really care, is that a lot of US military bases happen to be currently named after figures from the Confederacy: Fort A.P. Hill, Fort Benning, Fort Bragg, Fort Gordon, Fort Hood, Fort Lee, Fort Polk, and Fort Rucker are all examples, and there’s assuredly a swarm of other military facilities also named for Confederate folks. frankly, given the fact that these dudes were all traitors who fought against the US military, this naming seems a little… off.

now if at the very least this had been done to commemorate the military skills of these men, and nothing more, i suppose i could see the case: Lee was a solid commander, right? sure. but some of these guys were incompetent goobers (i’m looking at YOU, Braxton Bragg), and so it wouldn’t make sense to name something after them for that reason, although i guess you could argue the US military should honor only those guys who were so shitty at fighting for the CSA that it made the job of Union troops easier. i’m also not going to entertain the notion that these men are being honored for anything they did prior to the Civil War because, fuck that, it’s not accurate and that’s all that must be said.

this naming was done strictly as a “fuck you” to the US as a whole, and so i think it’s time to reverse this by renaming all those forts (and bases and whatever else) after Union commanders who made war on southern soil: Fort Grant, Fort Shaw, Fort Sheridan, Fort Thomas, Fort Wild. in fact, i think we need to build a new, massive base in Atlanta itself and name it Fort Motherfucking William Tecumseh Sherman, You Southern Whores! that will be the full, proper name of the fort, to include the exclamation point.

in summation, i am going to continue to talk trash about Robert E. Lee until southerners start to acknowledge the excellence of some of these northern dudes. the end! maybe we’ll have some comedy next week, who knows.

Americans are so desperate for fame that it makes me sick; that is all

rather than trying to find articles that were all about random, ridiculous news events, or all about things that make me burn with rage, or all about bears, i figured this week’s assortment of random things i found on the internet to discuss could combine all three of them, as that would give me such mixed feelings that i wouldn’t even know what to do with myself. that said, i don’t think it really worked, because the “burn with rage” article seems to be winning out over the rest. still, well, here you go with all this.

Obama and his profound apologies
things i guarantee Obama never thought he’d be doing once he was in office: calling Guatemala to apologize for infecting some of its residents with STDs in the 1940s

US apologizes for infecting Guatemalans with STDs in the 1940s

this is one of those times where i’m reading the headline and saying to myself, “i just don’t understand what the hell is going on here.” infecting Guatemalans with STDs in the 1940s? seriously? is this the day when dudes over at CNN are just making up crazy headlines in order to see if people are actually reading the news? alright, well, let’s take this seriously for a minute. why were we infecting anyone with STDs?

“The scientific investigation, called the U.S. Public Health Service Sexually Transmitted Disease Inoculation Study of 1946-1948, aimed at determining the effectiveness of penicillin in treating or preventing syphilis after subjects were exposed to the disease. Gonorrhea and chancres were also studied. Penicillin was a relatively new drug at the time.”

so this sort of answers the question, in that i guess i understand why this was being studied, but i’m not sure why they had to infect people, and that’s not clear from the article. for comparison, the Tuskegee studies were a) pretty reprehensible themselves, and b) generally in the same line of research … but no matter what you think of them, no one was getting actively infected with the disease(s) in question, so why they decided to do so in this case would have been, you know, interesting to know.

but okay, whatever, let’s move on. why did they do this in Guatemala?

“[Susan Reverby] found that [John C.] Cutler also led the research in Guatemala. It was carried out there, in part, she said, because prostitution was legal and prisoners were allowed to bring prostitutes in for sex.”

wow, that’s harsh. you know, it reminds me of battered women who, when asked why their husbands beat them, give an answer that’s based around their shortcomings. not only do you go to Guatemala and shoot their citizens full of STDs… but then, when asked why, you say it’s because the nation is full of whores? keep it classy, America. still, this article again only gets partial credit, because once again it’s a half-answer with an “in part” attached.

hopefully the US has a solid explanation for this, right?

A statement by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Secretary of Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius called the action “reprehensible… “We deeply regret that it happened, and we apologize to all the individuals who were affected by such abhorrent research practices … The conduct exhibited during the study does not represent the values of the United States, or our commitment to human dignity and great respect for the people of Guatemala.”

“you know, the country we previous declared was filled with whores.” although, to be perfectly honest, if prisoners are enjoying the free exchange of their cash for time with the private areas of prostitutes, it’s probably a sign that your country has SOME legitimate issues to address. anyway, i hope the study was worth it?

“Cutler’s work helped refine testing procedures and suggested a better means of prevention, but “made little impact on syphilis research,” Reverby concluded.”

you know what, i’m just going to focus on the fact that the headline makes it sound like the US gave random, individual Guatemalans STDs in the 1940s for no good reason, which is still sad for those people, but at the same time at least attempts to achieve some comedy by being completely random. because at this point, that’s about all we’ve got here.

Kimbra Hickey, like i give a fuck
someone please tell me why owning the hands that do this is supposed to be some kind of big fucking deal

‘Twilight’ model seeks glory

luckily for me, just when i think i’m filled with distaste for the bureaucratic machine that runs the United States government – or, at least, the one that ran the US back in the 1940s when it was dosing up every available Guatemalan prostitute and prisoner with syphilis – the average American comes back around and proves that, in their own way, they make me want to vomit repeatedly at the thought of their words and deeds. if you didn’t already know, you might guess this had something to do with Twilight.

“Kimbra Hickey wants some recognition for her pinky-size role in the “Twilight” phenomenon. Hers are the slender, ghostly hands cupping a red apple on the now-famous cover of the first hit book by Stephenie Meyer. But Hickey’s lack of fame has her cracking her knuckles in frustration.”

whoops, i’m sorry, ma’am, i’m sure it’s very frustrating to have achieved something of great importance and significance and then not gotten any atten- wait a minute. you were the hand model featured on the cover of a book that sold a lot of copies? what exactly was it that you did that was supposed to get you this fame, again?

“It was major exposure for my hands,” said the petite, 40-year-old model. “But nobody knew who I was.”

see, this is where i start to think maybe, just maybe, this Kimbra Hickey doesn’t understand how being a hand model works. i mean, come on, thousands of people have done this type of job, and i’m pretty sure all the rest of them understand that just because thousands of people saw your hands in that Sears catalog, it doesn’t mean we’re supposed to hungrily search out their identity and praise them endlessly for it. also, please overlook the extent to which i date myself by referencing a Sears catalog, okay?

“So Hickey now stops anyone she sees reading the book to inform them of her contribution. “I see people reading it on the subway, and I say, ‘Those are my hands! I’m a hand model!’ ” she explained. “I’m sure they think I’m crazy — a crazy lady on the subway.””

yeah… see, the mistake here might be the part where Hickey thinks people have mistaken her for a crazy lady. actually, Kimbra, you ARE a crazy lady on the subway. you’re harassing random people you see reading a book you posed your hands on the cover of! you know, if a guy came up to me on the subway and told me “hey, you know that copy of Blood Meridian you’re reading? that’s my horse on the cover,” i would… well, let’s just say that i would be unimpressed with said guy’s sanity.

“The good-natured Hickey sometimes hangs out near the cash register at the Barnes & Noble near her Greenwich Village apartment to spread the word. Surprised customers sometimes ask her for her autograph or to trace the outline of her hand on the book jacket. She even carries around a Gala apple in her purse at times so she can recreate the pose for people.”

BECAUSE SHE IS A CRAZY PERSON

“”It was too big of a deal just to let it be,” she said, although she admitted that she has become “a little goofy” about the whole thing.”

“a little goofy” is not the phrase i would use. personally, i would use something that more reflected the fact that someone had an unhealthy obsession with a picture their hands were in.

“Hickey is a massage therapist who works a few days each month as a “parts models.” It’s her size-6 feet — not her hands — that land her most of her modeling gigs. Her tootsies have graced a Times Square billboard and the cover of magazines, she said.”

so does she run up to random people and harass them about having seen her feet in advertisements? or does this possibly have something to do with the fact that whatever the fuck her feet have been featured in aren’t a ridiculous fucking cultural phenomenon right now? teenage girls don’t care about whatever stupid product a photo of feet sells (i’m totally blanking on any kind of product she could have had something to do with), they care about TEAM EDWARD. and Hickey’s hands were… on the cover… of a book that mentions Edward… and later became a movie…

“Lately, she’s been going to “Twilight” fan conventions — she’s at one this weekend in Portland, Ore. — where she sells apple-scented hand lotion.”

okay, so she spends all this time harassing people about the book cover on subways and hanging out near the cash register at her local Barnes & Noble, and now, also going to Twilight fan conventions to sell hand lotion. so when the fuck does she have time to do her actual JOB again?

“So far, she knows of four “Twihards” — as the vampire-romance fans are called — who’ve gotten tattoos of her hands.”

i’m just going to point out the ridiculous nature of the fans of this series and keep it moving. that’s all.

“Her goal is to break into acting. She’s trying to contact the casting director for the fourth installment in the “Twilight” series. “If I could get a little background part, it would be fantastic,” she said — “even if they only wanted my hands in it.””

wait, did i miss the part in this article that talked about her being an actress? no? i didn’t? so this is probably just another sad attempt by this woman to parlay her random photo into some kind of “significant” fame by appearing in these movies? fucking pathetic.

now i admit it’s perhaps, just slightly, a bit contradictory to be complaining loudly on the internet (and thus trying to draw attention to myself on some level) about people who appear to be complaining loudly to everyone they meet about why THEY demand your attention … but you know what? i just say my piece and that’s where it ends. i’ll never be at your local Barnes & Noble wanting you to make me feel satisfied with myself. or, to put it another way, i don’t need my personal desire for fame validated by people who i essentially force to acknowledge my fake-ass fame.

zucchini!
actually, the BEST thing about this article is the clinical police photograph of “the zucchini used by a Montana woman to fend off a bear attack Thursday Sept. 23, 2010 in Frenchtown, Montana”

Montana woman fends off bear attack with zucchini

finally, of course, we have this week’s token bear-related update, something that house of hate feels completely naked without. and since we’re known to have issues with feeling comfortable with our nakedness around here, we- okay, this analogy is getting weird. back to stuff about bears! you might think that the title of the article alone is enough, but oh no, there’s plenty more:

“Police say a Montana woman used an unlikely weapon to fend off a charging bear — a zucchini.”

so clearly we’re dealing with some people that aren’t fully thinking their actions through in this circumstance. look, i’m not trying to make fun of the fine residents of Montana, and i am sure that “in the midst of a bear attack” is an incredibly stressful place to find yourself … but a zucchini? come on! we’re talking about a lawless Western state that’s supposed to be swimming in firearms and men who are men!

“Missoula County Sheriff’s Lt. Rich Maricelli says a 200-pound black bear attacked the woman’s 12-year-old collie just after midnight Wednesday on the back porch of her home about 15 miles west of Missoula.”

i’m honestly curious to find out WHY it attacked the collie, since that’s not discussed in the article and makes me wonder just what the hell was going on in Missoula County. still, i’ll be frank about this: if a bear had showed up at my house and started attacking my dog, i would have absolutely confronted the bear violently. i just would have chosen to do it with the kind of rifle that takes a drum magazine and can repeatedly shoot a bear in the face.

“When the woman, whom police did not name, screamed to draw the bear’s attention, it charged her and swiped at her leg. Maricelli says the woman jumped back into the doorway and reached for the nearest object on her kitchen counter — a 12-inch zucchini from her garden.”

nameless Missoula County woman, i just have these two questions for you:
01. your name isn’t in the article? let me tell you this: if i ever fight a bear, and the bear doesn’t kill me and/or catch me committing some embarrassing act, my fucking name goes in the paper immediately. in fact, i’d sue any paper that neglected to mention it;
02. there are no knives on your kitchen counter? granted, time seems to have been of the essence here, but when you’re about to go one-on-one with a BEAR, it might be advisable to take the extra three seconds and at least go in armed with your sharpest kitchen knife or meat cleaver or SOMETHING.

“The woman flung the vegetable at the bear, striking it on top of the head and causing it to flee.”

and you know she probably threw like a girl, making this bear officially a sissy for running off in the face of a woman throwing a vegetable at it.

“Maricelli says the woman did not need medical attention. Wildlife officials were trying to locate the bear on Thursday.”

this is one of those stories that starts off strong (“woman fends off bear attack with zucchini”) and then, as you get into it, you just end up feeling cheated. there’s no explanation for the attack… and no one actually got hurt… and the bear got away. although i always love how wildlife officials are purportedly on manhunts for these bears (so perhaps they’re “bearhunts”). i guarantee it just results in three park rangers drinking a case of beer while sitting in the woods in their Jeep.

“what are you guys doing out there?”
“oh… we were… uh… trying to locate that bear from the attack on Wednesday. you know, the one that wasn’t injured or marked in any way and was at best vaguely described?”
“oh, carry on.”

if i had to sum up these fairly random tales, it would be with the closing “things in the US seem to be going poorly, albeit with some general improvement in our behavior since the 1940s. act accordingly.”