this week in things janklow is outraged by: the Confederacy!

as i write these lovingly-crafted, packed-with-deeper meaning updates week after week after sad, bitter week, i try to put myself in the position of the average reader of house of hate. you know, caring about their likes, worrying about their dislikes, trying to keep the average update packed with beefcake photos of janklow lifting weights, you know, stuff like that. sure, this might result in a slight amount of redundancy as i hammer the “MORE BEAR” button on my update-writing robot until he just wishes he was dead, but it’s only because i CARE. i have your feelings in the forefront of my mind at all time!

so i am sure the reaction of you, loyal reader, upon seeing an update wherein i appear to be incredibly disgusted with the Confederacy is a cross between “of COURSE he’s disgusted with the Confederacy, as it was a bunch of men with love for horrible slavery and luscious beards bearing arms against the United States of America” and “what in the hell prompted this nonsense, because i know he didn’t just read some news article wherein it was declared ‘rebel forces fire on Star Of The West.'”

the beard of James Longstreet
make no mistake: those beards were truly wonders to behold

however, the sad fact is that i really, truly am turbo-pissed at the Confederacy this week. this was, of course, prompted by a discussion about underrated generals, and as always is the case, this brings us back to one George Thomas, the neglect of whom i admit i take a little personally. not wanting to bore you with all the ins-and-outs of the usual arguments i get into over this topic, let me break it down to the key points:

01. Southern generals such as Lee and Jackson continue to be overrated despite their documented mistakes because they have a rabid southern fan base, while legitimately successful Northern generals lack such a fan base;
02. personal failings of Northern generals (let’s say Grant’s drunkenness) are cited as full descriptions of said men while the personal failings of Southern generals (let’s say anyone who was pro-slavery) isn’t relevant to the discuss of their skills;
03. Confederates are fucking traitors and need to be acknowledged as such.

for the purposes of comedy, let’s focus on #3 with a brief list of things that i would do to acknowledge this fact if i had some kind of wonderful control over this nation of ours.

BRIEF LIST OF THINGS JANKLOW WOULD DO TO TOTALLY GET SOME PAYBACK ON THOSE DAMN CONFEDERATES IF HE WAS, OH, LET’S SAY EMPEROR OF AMERICA

that is one hell of a title for a list! let’s make with it:

Confederate memorial at Arlington National Cemetery
this would be, as they say, the motherfucking issue in question

remove the remains of Confederate soldiers from Arlington National Cemetery

i’m sure most everyone out there is aware of the basics of this information, but Arlington National Cemetery is a US military cemetery wherein we bury the remains of current and former military personnel in order to commemorate their service, with some additional exceptions for spouses and children of those buried there and, apparently, US presidents. lord knows why the guys with highly-trained bodyguards, pockets filled with cash and some kind of armored tank limousine need MORE commemoration, but whatever, they’re in, we have to move on. at least until the next update.

ANYWAY, what some of you might not know is despite the fact they seized the property of Robert E. Lee (or his wife, whatever) in order to make this cemetery, there’s actually a section for Confederate dead in this cemetery:

“In June 1900, in this spirit of national reconciliation, the U.S. Congress authorized that a section of Arlington National Cemetery be set aside for the burial of Confederate dead. By the end of 1901 all the Confederate soldiers buried in the national cemeteries at Alexandria, Virginia, and at the Soldiers’ Home in Washington were brought together with the soldiers buried at Arlington and reinterred in the Confederate section. Among the 482 persons buried there are 46 officers, 351 enlisted men, 58 wives, 15 southern civilians, and 12 unknowns.”

to which i say, fuck that. first off, this country is already filled with goddamn memorials for the Confederacy; there are towns and cities in America (i’m looking at YOU, Helena, Montana) that have memorials to their Confederate soldiers despite never having produced a single Confederate soldier. second, i’m struggling to think of a single gesture of national reconciliation the former Confederate States of America have made after the war; there are still unwashed Alabamians calling that conflict “the War of Northern Aggression.”

third, and most important, it’ll just be fun payback to round up those 482 carcasses and send them back to the south, or, perhaps more accurately, send them FURTHER south. actually, strike that, because i don’t want them turning into some kind of memorial. let’s just throw that trash in the ocean and be done with it.

unrelated note: this topic has also led me to argue that the US government should actively bury nuclear waste in sites that are meaningful to people who love the Confederacy. even as outraged as i am, i am willing to admit that MIGHT be a bit extreme.

related note: there’s also a tangent here about how the fucking US government went and turned Lee’s house into a national memorial to Lee, a traitor who led troops against the US. we’re probably going to touch on this shortly!

uh... encyclopedias?
found this while searching for images of “mention[s] of treasonous behavior into encyclopedia entries”; there’s nothing more i can add to this

insert mention of treasonous behavior into encyclopedia entries

this is definitely one of those things you can’t pull off without emperor status, because there’s nothing like the pesky First Amendment to get in the way of such hilarious revenge. anyway, my concept is basically this: whenever someone reads about a Confederate general, it ought to be immediately clear that this dude was, in fact, a massive anti-American traitor. let’s look at, say, the Wikipedia entry for Robert E. Lee:

“Robert Edward Lee (January 19, 1807 – October 12, 1870) was a career United States Army officer and combat engineer. He became the commanding general of the Confederate army in the American Civil War and a postwar icon of the South’s “lost cause.””

now, it’s at least mentioned that Lee was a Confederate general in the second sentence, but look at that shit: the basic summation of his life is that he spent his career in the US Army. personally, i can think of a significant time in which he wasn’t: 1861-1865, for some reason. oh, wait, that’s right, he was actively leading troops AGAINST the US Army. funny how we forgot that! anyway, this is how i think it should read:

“Robert Edward Lee (January 19, 1807 – October 12, 1870), [b]notorious traitor who fought the United States of America[/b], was a career military officer and combat engineer. He became the commanding general of the Confederate army in the American Civil War and a postwar icon of the South’s “lost cause.””

much better! now, granted, in the case of Lee, that might seem a little harsh, but fuck it, if you want to make an omelet, you’ve got to break some eggs. and it certainly works for all the OTHER Confederate douchebags out there.

“Thomas Jonathan “Stonewall” Jackson (January 21, 1824 – May 10, 1863), [b]notorious traitor who fought the United States of America[/b], was a Confederate general during the American Civil War, and probably the most well-known Confederate commander after General Robert E. Lee.”

much better!

serious additional note: if for some reason you object to me personally calling Lee a traitor, consider this: prior to Virginia’s secession and Lee actively fighting the US, Lee had once declared he would never take up arms against the Union. i submit that keeping that vow would have still have allowed him to resign from the US Army and simply not fight for the CSA, considering that he supposedly ridiculed the latter. but, of course, he was a traitor.

William Tecumseh Sherman
this remains the disheveled face after which all bases should be named

rename a large number of military bases

one thing that some people may not realize, whether it’s because they’re not students of military history or, more likely, because they just don’t really care, is that a lot of US military bases happen to be currently named after figures from the Confederacy: Fort A.P. Hill, Fort Benning, Fort Bragg, Fort Gordon, Fort Hood, Fort Lee, Fort Polk, and Fort Rucker are all examples, and there’s assuredly a swarm of other military facilities also named for Confederate folks. frankly, given the fact that these dudes were all traitors who fought against the US military, this naming seems a little… off.

now if at the very least this had been done to commemorate the military skills of these men, and nothing more, i suppose i could see the case: Lee was a solid commander, right? sure. but some of these guys were incompetent goobers (i’m looking at YOU, Braxton Bragg), and so it wouldn’t make sense to name something after them for that reason, although i guess you could argue the US military should honor only those guys who were so shitty at fighting for the CSA that it made the job of Union troops easier. i’m also not going to entertain the notion that these men are being honored for anything they did prior to the Civil War because, fuck that, it’s not accurate and that’s all that must be said.

this naming was done strictly as a “fuck you” to the US as a whole, and so i think it’s time to reverse this by renaming all those forts (and bases and whatever else) after Union commanders who made war on southern soil: Fort Grant, Fort Shaw, Fort Sheridan, Fort Thomas, Fort Wild. in fact, i think we need to build a new, massive base in Atlanta itself and name it Fort Motherfucking William Tecumseh Sherman, You Southern Whores! that will be the full, proper name of the fort, to include the exclamation point.

in summation, i am going to continue to talk trash about Robert E. Lee until southerners start to acknowledge the excellence of some of these northern dudes. the end! maybe we’ll have some comedy next week, who knows.

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2 Responses to this week in things janklow is outraged by: the Confederacy!

  1. Ogre says:

    1 – You need to relax
    2 – I’m currently growing a goatee which I’ve been thinking about going “Civil War Style” with.

  2. janklow says:

    01. THERE’S NO TIME TO RELAX
    02. awesome

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