what i wanted to do this week was prove that i could reference internet articles about animals that were not bears. actually, what i wanted to do this week was more along the lines of “complete a hilarious and interesting article that wasn’t very dependent on internet articles” and “profit somehow,” with an emphasis on the latter. but then i used up most of my insane creative energy on a series of pony drawings and this complicated series of bits involving Scottish history and me almost choking, and so we’ve once again resorted to this.
but seriously, though, no bears this week. sorry about that. anyway, on with the stories!
come back! come back and fight! cars aren’t dangerous!
now, for those of you that don’t know, Denver International Airport, “often called DIA,” is this swanky airport that happens to have a completely insane mural that has caused it to be involved in a wide variety of conspiracy theories that (of course) involve the New World Order and/or reptilian aliens of some sort. what i’m saying is that you probably should expect ridiculous stories regarding it to surface, and this is no exception.
“In the category of weird but true, Denver International Airport may have a problem with pesky rabbits, who eat cars. Yes, cars. Traveler Dexter Meyer tells KUSA-TV he parked his brand new Turbo Diesel Volkswagen Jetta at the Pikes Peak Parking Lot at the airport as he headed off on a vacation. And it was eaten.”
all i can say about this is, “well, this certainly seems like quite the problem.” in my day i’ve seen a lot of wild animals acting up, but nothing like a car-eating rabbit; most of the rabbits i interact with are small, fluffy and critically-injured by cats. huh… that’s an unnecessarily depressing mental image. let’s just move on.
“When he got back nine days later, he says, “I turned on the ignition and all these lights started flashing. I pulled out the manual and it said I had a big problem so I took (the car) back to the dealership.” It was at the dealer, Meyer says, that he learned from the service manager the wiring of his car had been munched on.”
oh… the car wasn’t eaten by rabbits, it was DAMAGED by rabbits. the latter’s still pretty ridiculous and completely unexpected -seriously, how many people are concerned about rabbits eating a portion of their automobile when they leave it in long-term parking during a vacation- but i guess it wasn’t EXCITING enough for KUSA-TV. sorry that the problems of the common man aren’t EXCITING enough for you, KUSA-TV!
“The manager asked him if the car had been at the airport and told him “We’ve had a significant number of problems with rabbits eating through the wiring in people’s cars,” Meyer says.”
this is the part of the conversation where i would simply stare blankly at the mechanic before saying, “okay, so seriously, what was the problem with my car?”
“The repairs cost Meyer $238, and he has filed a complaint with the airport about the damages. “They said they were aware of the problem but basically said ‘We don’t know how to solve it…’ They said, ‘We have a fence,’ and I said, ‘I understand that, but it’s clearly not working,'” Meyers tells KUSA.”
decent retort from Meyers. “we have a fence?” a fence is only good for large, worthless animals like horses; there is no way rodents or near-rodents (as i am identifying rabbits) are going to be stopped by a fence. also, i don’t understand how this issue is so tricky: get a bag full of stray cats and let them loose in the parking lot in question. those rabbits will be absolutely DONE in a matter of time, because if there’s one thing cats love to do, it’s be evil and make me sick, but if there’s TWO things they love to do, the second thing is “cruelly slay small animals.”
“Denver airport officials says they see about a dozen such claims every year, but declined to discuss the matter further.”
i’m starting to suspect that Denver airport officials are, knowingly or not, feeding these conspiracy theorists with their lack of communication. “oh, we know there are a number of rabbit attacks in which cars are eaten… BUT WE CANNOT COMMENT FURTHER. sure, normally rabbits won’t eat your catalytic converter… BUT WE CANNOT COMMENT FURTHER. no, the Illuminati have nothing to do with these rabbits… BUT WE CANNOT COMMENT FURTHER.” repeat that joke as much as you need to.
it’s still very hard for me to stay mad at a goat, even if it may have murdered someone
so let me break down for you my favorite things about this article:
02. the fact that the title says “goat examined as part of investigation of goring” as if they’re not REALLY sure how this goring occurred, so they have to look into all the options, including going so far as to investigate this goat. maybe the goat is innocent after all!
03. these goats are pretty extreme. it’s pretty reasonable that a goat might end up in a situation where it might flip out and attack some people; i’m mainly picturing one where someone’s trying to take a goat’s tin cans and cartoonish straw hat. but listen to some of these goat descriptions:
“I looked up, and you could see … that goat following, just breathing down his neck.”
“In 2008 … both park visitors and staff had reported a billy goat on the trail that had approached hikers, followed them and refused to back down.”
so what the hell is going on with these goats?
04. “On Sunday, she said it was unknown if only one goat or several were the subject of the reports. … “We also have reports of goats not moving off the trail or following people that are impossible to link to a particular goat.”” seriously, stop treating these goats like they’re human criminal suspects, it’s too hilarious for me to stand any longer.
05. so this is not my favorite part:
“”The rescue workers were trying to get in there, but the goat wouldn’t leave,” he said. “Eventually, they got a group of people together to scare him away, but he was still guarding the area an hour later.””
…because, you see, i happen to think that rescue workers responding to news of a potential goat attack -or, rather, any potential animal attack- ought to be equipped in some way to deal with the animal when they get there. no one can keep a shotgun in their rescue vehicle?
what i’m going to do at this point is attempt to make McAfee feel worse about himself by posting this ridiculous picture of him
somewhere contained in this story is a cheap joke about how the only things to do in Indiana are “watch the Colts play football” and, apparently, “have drunken adventures of the type that, while fun at the time, are only going to be trouble for you later,” but i’m really too classy a gentleman to make this joke any more than i already have in this paragraph here. that said, lest you forget, it wasn’t that long ago that we were talking about punters being found “disheveled and soiled” in ditches, and apparently the Colts keep having other dudes locked up for drunk driving.
ANYWAY, the Colts have a punter named Pat McAfee, and it seems he was bound and determined to one-up the standard that John Gill set earlier this year, which is probably not surprising given the competitive nature of professional football, and he possibly did. why, let’s take a look at some of the high points of this article:
“Police were called after a driver at a red light reported that a man with no shirt approached her car. The woman told police she feared the man was going to try to get in, so she ran the red light and called 911.”
now, i am sure there are some areas of the US where it’s not completely insane for shirtless dudes to be roaming around; at the very least, this seems to be the common attire for guys during spring break, especially while they’re pranking that square dean! but if you’re thinking, “eh, what’s the big deal,” please remember that we’re talking about Indiana. this half-naked dude was probably the biggest crime of the year.
“According to the police report, McAfee was asked whether he was swimming in the canal and answered “I am not sure.”” When he was asked why he was wet, McAfee responded, “It was raining.” When he was asked where his shirt was, McAfee said, “In the water.” And when he was asked how much he had to drink, McAfee said: “A lot cause I’m drunk.””
now, if i was a police officer in this scenario, facing an obviously-drunken NFL punter who seemed to be in a debating mood, i would really have to fight the urge to be argumentative right back at him. how do you know your shirt is in the water if you didn’t go swimming, Pat? i admit, though, that it’s not the most professional response. also, not to be mean, and i’m sure he DID have a lot to drink, but how much more excellent would this story be if the “a lot” to drink was like three Zimas or something? and yes, i know they don’t make Zima anymore, but that’s not the point, it’s just getting mentioned for joke purposes!
“Officers said they had to help McAfee stand up after giving him a breath alcohol test.”
…well, that’s certainly one way to fail the test.
next week we can try and have some more original material, but i wouldn’t hold my breath if i was you.