in which crime involving “horse kicking” and “fat rolls” is overshadowed by Randy Quaid

people think a lot of weird things and do a lot of weird things in this great nation of ours; some of those people are celebrities, and some of those weird things involve horses. actually, given the fact that i’ve made fun of guys trying to sexually assault horses in the past, i should probably be clear and point out that we’re not taking of anything of the sort on this occasion, so if that sort of thing bothers you, don’t worry, we’re going to try and keep it PG-13 rated today.

and now, on with the links! and the mockery related to them, of course.

Randy and Evi Quaid
i’m just imagining that he’s whispering to his wife, “act natural, that guy’s probably a reptilian alien”

Randy Quaid: apparently the victim of an overly complicated murder plot?

so if you’ve been following the world of celebrity gossip (and who hasn’t), you may have noticed that Randy Quaid (and his wife Evi) have apparently gone on sort of a weird, sad run of supposedly criminality: supposedly they defrauded an innkeeper, and then lived in (and damaged) a guest house without permission (which is apparently felony vandalism). granted, Randy was never a massive movie star, but the guy clearly worked steadily, has been in quite a few successful films and won a Golden Globe. and now he and his wife have “sought refugee status in Canada… [claiming] they were being hunted by a sinister band of celebrity killers: Star Whackers, they called them.” what the fuck? well, it turns out that Quaid and his wife have at least tried to clarify this.

“We’re this close to solving our own murder,” Evi says. “It’s the only way I’ll be able to keep Randy alive.” … Black circles around her black eyes. “I didn’t sleep a wink last night,” she says later. She was studying Canadian immigration law and watching the crack under the door for feet. They will be killed in one of three ways, she says. (She does most of the talking.) She has interrupted the killers practicing. “Staging scenarios,” she calls them. Dry runs, rehearsals, blocking for a gruesome play.

okay… so there’s a team of guys plotting to kill you… and you’ve caught them practicing? well, far be it from me to suggest that PERHAPS the lack of sleep is helping this along, but doesn’t it seem odd that you’re catching these guys in the act and a) surviving the event while b) not getting any hard evidence of these staged scenarios that you KNOW are occurring? well, okay, this is early in the article, maybe i just need more information.

“Their most likely end, the Quaids believe, will involve knives. Randy will be drugged in his sleep — “They know he has sleep apnea,” she says — and Evi will be stabbed to death. Then they will put the knife in his hand. He will wake up and be locked away forever. Or he will kill himself in his terror and grief.”

wait… so do they want to kill Quaid or his wife? because i thought she was trying to prevent HIS murder… but then there’s this plot that involves framing him for HER murder… plus, don’t you think he wouldn’t kill himself if he found her dead as a result of a plot to frame him since he’s AWARE of this plot to frame them? well, okay, okay, maybe i’m just not understanding this.

“The Star Whackers have stolen some of his songs — he writes sad, introspective songs on more crumpled sheets of paper — and the killers will lay one out on the nightstand or the kitchen counter. “Randy’s songs read like suicide notes,” Evi says. “That’s how the cops will read them.””

so they break in and steal his songs… but they don’t just break right back in and finish the job? plus, let me just add that if i was being stalked by a shadowy syndicate of killers for some reason, i wouldn’t write suicidal-sounding songs. and if i DID, i’d at least burn the crumpled sheets of paper upon which i scrawled them. Evi goes on and on with a laundry list of theoretical scenarios, but i’m still not understanding WHY they’re to be killed, you know?

The Star Whackers could, at least. They are good at what they do. Heath Ledger. Chris Penn. David Carradine. Ronni Chasen gunned down only last week, five bullets in her chest. Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson, they’ll be next.

i guess the question i have to ask is that if there WAS this mysterious cabal of celebrity assassins… then why is this the list they’ve chosen. Chris Penn? seriously? did anyone say more than “oh, the guy from Reservoir Dogs” when he died? and i don’t say this to mock Chris Penn, of course, because he WAS solid in that film, but really? the evil plot is to take out Randy Quaid and Chris Penn? on the other hand… maybe Joe Pantoliano better watch his back.

“They head a few blocks over to Sas’s office. Suite 600, another windowless room. Windowless rooms are safer. No cell phones; they can be tracked from space. Only landlines. They stayed in hotels here at first, keeping on the move, but the hotels began calling each other. Doors were closed to the Quaids.”

oh boy, now we’re getting the real tinfoil hat stuff about needing to avoid windows and having your phone tracked. granted, i’m a little jaded because i worked some years with a guy who truly subscribed to many beliefs in this vein (aliens invented Velcro, something about an octopus and Bill Clinton) and he made every such scheme sound COMPLETELY nuts. but is it really mysterious why these hotels are calling each other?

“Marriott here.”
“hey, this is the Hilton. say, do you guys have Randy Quaid and his wife over there?”
“yeah, they just checked in about an hour ago.”
“well, just so you know, they covered all the windows in the room with metal tape to stop CIA laser and they killed a goat on their bed because its spirit energy would help defend them from ghost assassins.”
“…i’ll alert the cleaning crew.”

“”Radar Online is owned by the police,” Evi says firmly. She sounds entirely convinced. “They called the Dairy Queen in Marfa, Texas, to spread rumors about us when we lived there. Everything came out of the Dairy Queen.””

well, THAT statement i absolutely believe. but even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

“They’re still scared for their lives — scared enough to forfeit a $1 million bond in California on November 16 rather than return to face the vandalism charges — but Canada is starting to feel something like home. Now, they just have to win Randy’s refugee application, and they will be safe at last.”

because, as well all know, assassins won’t travel from country to country to ensure their shadowy secrets are kept, right?

“[David] Carradine had called them only the week before his demise, unaware that the killers had already followed him to Thailand. The killers made millions off the Carradine hit. Insurance, siphoned royalty checks, wagers. So many revenue streams and waterfalls. Randy’s still making money off Days of Thunder. “The Days of Thunder angle is very interesting,” Evi says before she decides it’s better not to go down that road.”

oh. so killers followed Carradine to Thailand and killed him… but the Quaids are safe in Canada? huh? granted, i probably would feel more safe in Canada myself (that country is so damn CLEAN), but i happen to know that some crime DOES take place there. and it’s, you know, right next door to the country that’s supposedly bursting with anti-Quaid assassins.

so look, ultimately i think we all know that this is ridiculous because, come on, not one single celebrity can get stuffed with drugs or engage in a little auto-erotic asphyxiation without it being part of some complicated, all-consuming plot? because it’s not like the Quaids are saying “well, dudes killed Carradine and Heath Ledger, but that Mel Gibson character, he’s got REAL problems,” they’re essentially arguing that EVERY last celebrity is killed (or framed as crazy, whichever) is done as part of the same plane by the same dudes.

i love celebrities in this country. but hell, it’s not just limited to the celebrities!

Jeffrey Paul Siebert
“yeah, i kicked that horse, so what? that’s what it gets for being tall and eating oats!”

man accused of kicking police horse in rear end

sadly, a lot of the local news organizations that reported this story initially (i’m looking at you, KTRK-TV and KIAH-TV) have removed the article from their websites, so a Google (or Bing, whatever you like) search for cached copies of the story may be necessary. still, i guess i can give you the meat of the story here:

“A man who allegedly kicked a police horse in the rear end is now facing a criminal charge. Jeffrey Paul Siebert, 30, has been charged with a misdemeanor charge of interference with a police service animal. On Sunday, Siebert kicked a police officer’s horse “in the hind quarters causing the horse to react,” according to a probable cause statement issued by the Harris County Sheriff’s Office. His bail has been set at $5,000. Siebert has a prior conviction of misdemeanor assault.”

so i have some concerns here:

01. so this guy seems to have been a Texans fan (i can’t confirm this in any way, of course) and his team won on Sunday. so what the hell is with these football fans that go nuts when their team wins? i’ve seen some fans do this (i’m looking at you, Washington fans at that one win over Detroit), and it never makes sense. this is your time to be happy and magnanimous to those losing fans … and also to, i suppose, unrelated police horses.

02. who kicks a horse for no real reason at all? now, i hate horses: they’re rude and pushy and shit all over everything. terrible animals. still, i respect the fact that they’re 13 times my size and can kick my face into jelly, and so there’s no way i would just run up to one and kick it in the ass – RIGHT NEXT TO THE PART THAT CAN CRUSH YOUR FACE – and cause it to “react.”

03. $5000 bail for kicking a horse? wow.

Ailene Brown and Shmeco Thomas
i will, of course, be using this story as justification for my desire to never be fat

women accused of hiding merchandise in body fat

once again, this story isn’t too complicated (i think the headline says it all), so i can afford to lay it all out for you here:

“Two women are arrested for shoplifting and police say they used their bodies to conceal the goods. Edmond police authorities say it was at the Edmond TJ Maxx that loss prevention officers found the duo stuffing items under their belly fat and breasts. They say they took four pair of boots, three pair of jeans, a wallet and gloves; $2,600 worth of store merchandise. Ailene Brown, 28, and 37-year-old Shmeco Thomas were arrested for shoplifting and are facing felony charges. Officer James Hamm said, “These two were actually concealing them in areas of their body where excess skin was, under their chest area and armpits.” Police say Brown also had a knife in her purse they say she used to cut security tags in the store.”

so i also have some concerns here:

01. did anyone doubt, when they read that title, that this took place somewhere in the South? because i immediately thought “goddamn Mississippi strikes again,” but it turns out that this actually took place in Oklahoma. see, i’ve learned a valuable conclusion about leaping to conclusions today.

02. you know, i get trying to be tactful, but there’s no reason to dance around the obvious and say “areas of their body where excess skin was.” “belly fat” is absolutely the appropriate – and TERRIBLE – way to describe the situation.

03. at least there’s worse ways i can picture someone “using their bodies to conceal goods” than merely jamming said goods under your rolls of fat, so i suppose it could have been worse. really, things can always be worse, so sometimes it’s good to be reminded of that.

04. Shmeco Thomas has the BEST mugshot expression. seriously.

okay, that’s enough for this week; these Americans have really worn me out. until next time!

if only this title could be a picture of a co-worker’s “Four Loko dance”…

considering that there’s a holiday coming up, i’m going to latch onto that as an excuse for why my update is late and not very long or good or anything. this is what i do! now, allow me to make up for my lateness with a late, but free, update that contains upwards of one (1) joke.

Four Loko
clearly now that we’ve conquered that REEFER MADNESS, it’s time to focus on… oh, let’s say caffeinated alcoholic beverages? sure

Gansler asks health department to pull caffeine-infused alcoholic drinks from shelves

now, you might have heard that we recently had an election here in the state of Maryland, where voters tossed out all the old… wait, no, i must be thinking of some other state. here in Maryland, we just re-elect the same old Democratic politicians from the same old Democratic machine so that we don’t get distracted and forget our representatives’ names, i guess. anyway, the short time line of things basically goes like this:

pre-election: O’Malley tells us that we should vote for him because he’s done so much for Maryland
election: O’Malley wins because he’s good at… uh, because he brings to the table… uh, because he has boyish charm? sure, that one
post-election: officials announce a $1.6 billion budget deficit faces Maryland in January. fine work, O’Malley! i mean, while running for office, officials were “hopeful that better-than-expected receipts from taxes and fees would boost the state’s budget outlook,” and yet somehow…

anyway, this isn’t really about me being bitter. i think we can all agree, whatever the cause, whoever the blame lies with, this is a serious situation that needs to be dealt with. luckily, our administration’s attorney general is hard at work on confronting the biggest challenge that confronts Maryland, even though it’s nothing anyone asked for… by asking the state health department to remove all caffeine-infused alcoholic drinks from the state’s liquor stores and taverns.

wait… this is fucking pointless. no, okay, negativity is spreading, so maybe i should hear this out.

“”I ask you to exercise your authority … to take all steps available to you to prevent any further distribution or sale of these unsafe, unadulterated, and mislabeled products wherever found in Maryland,” Gansler wrote-“

now, here’s one issue i have already: unadulterated? i mean, isn’t that usually a GOOD concept when talking about a product? anyway, i generally happen to think that it’s a slippery slope when you go after an ALCOHOL product for being unsafe when you, you know, are otherwise all ALCOHOL products to be sold responsibly to adults.

“The move comes two days after Maryland Comptroller Peter Franchot extracted an agreement from the state’s alcohol wholesalers and retailers associations to stop selling the drinks, which are marketed as Four Loko and other brands.”

so not only is this a questionable stance… and not only is it probably not the highest priority thing on the table in Maryland right now (i’d think maybe the attorney general could focus on something like the legal cases arising over videotaping police officers while they’re on the job)… but it’s also completely unnecessary, since the comptroller already worked out an agreement to stop their sale. does Gansler just not want to be see as less powerful than Franchot?

“Gansler says those actions still leave cases of the drinks on Maryland shelves, and he is concerned after reading news reports of young people hoarding the product with plans to binge drink.”

oh… okay. well, it turns out my four-packs of Sparks might just be worth their weight in gold!

“The drink makers have a week and a half left to respond to the FDA, after which the federal agency can seize the products.”

you know, aside from Gansler’s political calculation, i think i see what’s REALLY going on here: a scheme by a bunch of dudes at the FDA to get themselves totally hammered once the search and seizure goes down. maybe i underestimated that agency…

but let’s not be so ridiculously negative. there’s more to life than that!

Bristol Palin ... dancing, i guess
i’m not saying he should have shot his television… but i understand

Bristol Palin’s dancing on TV set off man in standoff

lately we’re specializing in the kind of articles that allow us to just post the title and say “our work here is done. make your own jokes.” but, as always, this is fundamentally lazy (something we really DO specialize in around here), and so let’s make with the comedy stylings.

“Allegedly set off by Bristol Palin’s appearance on “Dancing with the Stars,” a rural Black Earth man kept police at bay outside his home for 15 hours Monday and Tuesday before he surrendered to police. Steven N. Cowan, 66, railed at the television as the daughter of former Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin appeared on the ABC program-“

see, i’m really torn about my reaction to the basics of this case. on the one hand, there’s really no reason to get SO MAD about anything that it results in keeping the police at bay outside your home. at best, a standoff situation always ends in suicide or arrest, even if you’re completely innocent, and these guys never are COMPLETELY innocent. on the other hand, i really DO want to be the kind of old man that can be said to have “railed at the television.” hell, there’s a solid chance i do that right now.

“Cowan had also been under stress because of a financial situation and was receiving care for a mental health problem, the complaint states. Cowan’s wife … told police that her husband had been drinking, but she did not think he was intoxicated.”

and while i understand the help you can theoretically get from a drink when stressed, i have to ask why his wife was allowing him to drink when he was receiving care for a mental health problem. that seems tailor-made to lead events down the road towards “…and then he kept police at bay outside his home for 15 hours.”

According to the complaint, Cowan and his wife were watching “Dancing with the Stars” when Cowan jumped up and swore as Bristol Palin appeared, saying something about “the (expletive) politics.”

you know, i hate when they blank out a generic expletive like in this situation, because now i am going to go nuts trying to deduce exactly what expletive it was. the damn politics? the FUCKING politics? the motherfucking cocksucking politics? seriously, it’s such a tease. anyhow, this is probably crazy old man behavior so far: start by muttering angrily about the situation… and then slowly, delicately escalate things:

“Cowan was upset that a political figure’s daughter was on the show when he didn’t think she was a good dancer, the complaint states.”

i LOVE that this complaint charging Cowan gets so into the motivation for these actions. i can picture this Vermont police officer sitting there, gently grilling Cowan’s wife.
“so what did he say before he caused the standoff?”
“well, we were watching Dancing With The Stars, and he started yelling some nonsense.”
“…what EXACTLY was Mr. Cowan’s problem with the Dancing With The Stars cast, ma’am? please be specific; this is very important.”

“Cowan went upstairs for about 20 minutes and returned, demanding his pistols, which had been taken by his daughter about a month ago for safety reasons. He was carrying a single-shot shotgun, which he loaded and fired into the television.”

okay… so they took his pistols for safety reasons… but they didn’t take his single-shot shotgun?

“Cowan continued to yell, demanding his pistols. He re-loaded the shotgun and pointed it toward his wife. She left the house and drove to Black Earth, where she called 911. She told police she was afraid for her safety.”

you know, while i DO respect the right to bear arms, i’m not sure you have the best case for getting your pistols back when you’re actively using a shotgun to shoot up your own television set. this is, at the least, going to hurt your case.

“On Tuesday night’s results show of “Dancing with the Stars,” Bristol Palin advanced to next week’s finals of the competition.”

and then, awesomely, they throw this in there to either rub salt in this guy’s wounds, or because they simply think the status of Dancing With The Stars is really important news. either way, that’s really well-played Wisconsin State Journal.

and speaking of shooting televisions…

and certainly not of fiscal restraint, because i kind of sort of picked up not one, but two firearms at roughly the same time. although in neither case are they going to be used to shoot any televisions. well, unless i find some used old television i can drag out into the middle of the woods somewhere… anyway, two more recent entries onto the team:

Vz.61 'Skorpion'

it’s not Thanksgiving unless you have a mass quantity of pies and, for good measure, a semi-automatic clone of a Skorpion sub-machine gun. the moral we learned with this gun, though, is a combination of “anything this ridiculous must be purchased by janklow as close to immediately as possible” and “there’s nothing quite so infuriating as when a Maryland-mandated chamber lock gets stuck in your gun, and ultimately results in someone other than myself cracking the safety while trying to get it out.” but it’s all fixed up now, so hooray! also:

MAS Modele 36

this is why i need a chaperon when out buying firearms: in case i fuck around and buy another firearm –in this case, the bolt-actioned, zany-spike-bayoneted wonder of a Frenchman’s MAS Modele 36– at the same time. oh well, these things happen around here.

are you a bad enough dude to MAKE THAT MAN OR MEN EAT HIS OR THEIR BEARD?

i may have touched on this before, but one of the things i always fear about writing anything on the internet (especially when my updates are running late) is that i’m going to choose a weekly topic that’s been beaten to death on your internet news feeds and the blogs you frequent and on your Facebook feed or whatever the hell else you people read on the internet. this is why i read comics about dinosaurs; they often don’t reference the most ridiculous and random current events, and so i don’t feel like i’m stealing their material.

ANYWAY, sometimes you still have a crazy story that’s so ridiculous and built for ripping on that you have to take the risk that everyone might have heard about it and still rip on it anyway. and this week, we have one of those stories:

man eats his own beard at knifepoint over botched lawnmower sale (or, if you prefer, “man says former friends cut off his beard and forced him to eat it“)

actually, i could almost stop right there and let the title do the work for me. but no, this is one of those magical moments in time where you think “surely all the mockery of the average American i have engaged in needs to be curtailed, as they have brought me this moment of sublime glory.” so let’s get down to the nitty-gritty of this … beard assault? i don’t know what i should be calling it, but it clearly wasn’t good.

Harvey Westmoreland
things that are awesome about this photo:
01. the telling nature of the “Southern Style” hat bearing a Confederate flag;
02. the news organization using the phrases “BIG STORY” and “MAN FORCED TO EAT BEARD” at the same time, arguing that this is serious news AND that it’s possible this man was forced to eat not his beard, but someone else’s;
03. the remainder of his beard still being pretty full and ridiculous

“A Kentucky man claims he was forced to eat his own beard after an attempt to sell a riding lawnmower went horribly awry.”

you know, it’s moments like these when the phrase “horribly awry” doesn’t even seem to do any justice. in my mind, “horribly awry” is the worst case scenario type of result, like when a drug bust results in a shootout and that gets an innocent bystander killed. it’s horrible, but you can see how the sequence of events connect. but the part where guys are fighting over a lawnmower sale and then someone has to eat a beard? there’s a distinct lack of connection there, if you ask me.

Though he escaped serious injury, Harvey Westmoreland says he only managed to get away — without the hair on his chin — after he and his brother were ambushed by two men interested in purchasing a mower.

now, to be honest, i have to take slight issue with this. if a fight broke out because of a dispute over the lawnmower sale, that’s not really an ambush, is it? still, this has to be an embarrassing report to the police:

formerly bearded dude: “officer, i need to report a crime.”
police officer: “alright, citizen, go ahead.”
formerly bearded dude: “well, some dudes made me eat my beard after we got into a dispute over my riding lawnmower.”
police officer: “…get the fuck out of my precinct.”

“The strange ordeal-“

INDEED

“-occurred in Lawrenceburg in May, when former friends Troy Holt and James Hill showed up drunk to discuss buying the grass cutter from Westmoreland and his brother, according to KSDK.com.”

i always like it when a town has the word “burg” in the title when shenanigans break out there, because it makes it clear whether or not the shenanigans are appropriate to that town. no one’s smashing up some fine art show in Lawrenceburg… but a couple of drunken Kentuckians might make you eat your beard there.

“”My brother was cleaning out the stalls out there for Troy, you know, working for him. They called and wanted me to come around there and when I got there, I realized they were already drunk,” Westmoreland said.

honestly, i don’t know why he felt the need to clarify what “cleaning out the stalls” meant, as it’s not like it’s slang for something else, right? am i just out of touch on this issue? anyway, i also don’t know why you’d start haggling over a lawnmower with people who are drunk, as drunk people make notoriously poor decisions.

unrelated story i heard about a drunk today while in a gun store: “so this drunk guy comes in, and it turned out he wanted to sell us a gun, because he whips it right out of his pocket. came this close to shooting him.” this is the kind of thought process a drunk person about to engage in capitalism has! you should not be attempting to sell them lawnmowers!

Harvey Westmoreland
keeping it classy with a thoughtful beard stroke here

“”Troy offered to buy it from me for $250. I paid $20 for it. He thought I was trying to cheat him,” Westmoreland said. “One thing led to another, and before I knew it, there were knives and guns and everything just went haywire.””

now, okay, i grant that he glossed over much of this debate as “one thing led to another,” but unless this was misquoted or misreported, i don’t even understand what the problem was. you paid $20 for a lawnmower… a guy offers you $250 for it… and you take the $250 and call it a day. did he turn out the $230 profit? did the drunk guy think that the offer HE made was him trying to rip himself off? this is why you don’t negotiate with drunk people!

also, “knives and guns” reminds me of the fact that if i lived in Kentucky, i would be packing a gun at all times. because you never know when someone might try to make you eat your beard.

“He says his brother had a mark on his neck, where a knife was held, but Harvey Westmoreland’s loss was more permanent. “They cut my beard and forced me to eat it,” he said.”

i am now led to believe that this KSDK.com doesn’t really know what the word “permanent” means, because a mark on your neck from a knife is much more likely to be permanent (even if it wasn’t in this case) than an eaten beard. because beards grow back! although this leads me to picture some dude in Kentucky who’s sitting there, reading this, going “beards grow? i thought you were just born with a beard!” no, Kentuckian, you’re thinking of dwarves.

“The two men released the brothers but said they would kill them if they contacted police, according to Westmoreland. The brothers alerted authorities, who arrested Holt and Hill.”

so apparently THAT was an ineffective threat.

“”I believe in the law. I believe that justice has been served, and it will be after Tuesday,” Westmoreland said.”

which is good. although part of me wishes that some awesome Kentucky judge would rule that “so as you made this man eat his beard, you must now eat yours! bailiff, some scissors!” i don’t know what you would do if the guy didn’t have a beard, although i guess you could make him grow a beard (a really nice beard, too, to make this all the more painful), and THEN make him eat that beard. yeah, that’d work. let’s get right on this!

but before we start thinking that Harvey Westmoreland is some kind of beardless victim, well, maybe we ought to read this comment:

Harvey Westmoreland
it’s entirely possible this is the face of a man who yelled about oral sex at a minor

“Harvey has failed to mention that before any of this ruckus started that he had screamed profanity and vulgar things to a 14 year old Minor which at the time was 13. How can a so called grown man make the comments that he was scared for his and his brothers life when they are the ones that approached Holt and Hill on Holts property making threats that they were going to kill him”

see, again, this doesn’t make sense. you’re on your property. you’re in KENTUCKY. if some guys came on your property threatening you (and, i guess, making vulgar comments at a 13-or-14-year-old), which of these options would you choose:

01. retreat to your house and call the police;
02. acquire one of your many firearms and defend yourself;
03. MAKE THAT MAN OR MEN EAT HIS OR THEIR BEARD

i mean, okay, i would choose #3.

“…Harvey had made one to many smart remarks, perverted need I mind you to one of the Defendents minor children about oral sex if that helps fill you in, and also both of the brothers were sleeping with Holts at that time girlfriend!”

it actually doesn’t fill me in at all. this is only getting more confusing.

“What man is going to allow another come on to his property and threatin their life and then sleep with his so called girlfriend at the mans house in his barn-“

wait, so during this event one of the Westmorelands was having sex with Holt’s girlfriend in Holt’s barn? is THAT what “cleaning out the stalls out there” means?

but in the end, i have learned some things as a result of this story.

01. a beard is a thing to be treasured, not to be eaten;
02. it’s possible that “the stalls” is slang for “vagina” (or maybe even “his girlfriend’s/your girlfriend’s vagina”;
03. i am so glad i have a permit that allows me to carry a concealed weapon in the state of Kentucky.

the 2010 post-election response post: let’s get this over with

so, a couple of years ago we had this big-deal election in 2008 where Obama was elected, proving racism was official over once and for all, and then it turned out he was a secret communist Muslim and he completely destroyed American society, or so some dudes told me, and since that seems pretty bad, as most of us like society and all its fancy trappings, we had another big-deal election and so now i find myself feeling compelled, once again, to post about it.

relevant portions of the 2008 introduction that i might as well copy and paste here:
–“if i might paraphrase noted political pundit Chris Rock, my opinion as to the result of this election can be summed up with “[GOP] supporters too happy, [Democrat] supporters too mad.”” seriously, this never stops being true.
–“at this point, i may actually be apathetic enough to really have no opinion on the election” actually, though, this is never true, hence the continued posts. i just completely disgusted and depressed by the actual elections, but i get over it.
–“so let’s do this thing. also, just for backup, i’ll bring my robot friend along again. he seemed to enjoy himself last time.” TTR loves this shit!

I. THIS RINO CONTINUES TO DIRECT HIS MIDDLE FINGER SQUARELY AT TURBO-CONSERVATIVES

Sharon Angle
well this was certainly a wise investment…

one of my continuing issues with the Republicans, as i think i have talked about before, is this current obsession with purging the “Republicans In Name Only (RINOs)” from the party. again, perhaps this is part of my person philosophy that most people prefer a more centrist political platform, but i don’t see how anyone reasonably thinks that going in the most extreme direction, be it right or left, encourages either voters from the other side of the aisle or moderate independent voters to flock to your banner. “hey, guys in the middle that have no strong social positions but care mostly about the economy! we’re really against abortion!” this seems to me to be a weak sales pitch.

but let’s look at this another way. say you’re part of the GOP and you’re working on your party’s national agenda. this is going to involve you competing in states like, dare i say, Delaware and Maryland, where we’re not THAT conservative and it seems unreasonable to think the same stereotypical Tea Party candidate that plays so well in Alaska and Kentucky will do well here. so what’s your strategy? run those same candidates! wait… this seems to me to be a weak sales pitch.

so while these idiots are patting themselves on the back about their successes –and it would really be unfair of me to pretend that the GOP didn’t have some serious success in taking House seats and governorships– i’d just like to note that their insistence on strict ideological conservatism cost them some winning seats thanks to crazy-as-hell candidates (Sharon Angle) and REALLY crazy-as-hell candidates (Christine O’Donnell). i’m not going to gloat because the Democrats will spend all their time doing so to spin this GOP success as a GOP failure, but you guys done fucked up, that’s all.

TTR
“IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD BE CONCERNED ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU CONTINUALLY ALIGN YOURSELF WITH LOSING FACTIONS. I DO AGREE THAT THESE MORE CONSERVATIVE CANDIDATES ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE ANTI-ROBOT, WHICH WILL BE SAD FOR THEM WHEN THEIR HARSH METAL OVERLORDS ARE CRUSHING THEIR REBELLIONS AND SKULLS.”

II. INSERT SOME SORT OF JOKE ABOUT “I’M NOT A WITCH, I’M YOU” HERE

Christine O'Donnell
and just think, Delawareanites, you wanted this as your candidate because… uh… her clothes look similar to someone else’s clothes?

and speaking of REALLY crazy-as-hell candidates, i’m going to blame this all on Sarah Palin. i rag on the woman because she doesn’t bring anything to the table that appeals to me beyond her defense of gun rights (and, again, i give her credit for that), but what she seems to have done is to really encourage this “be anti-intellectual for the sake of being anti-intellectual” theme, and while there are PLENTY of douchebag intellectuals out there that live ridiculously smug lives and who could stand to get out there in the real world occasionally, there’s also nothing wrong with appreciating the fact that smart, educated people know some shit. i don’t care if they’re not the “common man” any longer as a result.

plus, i hate the way my election ads are now filled with women in red outfits trying to look like Palin. that shit’s annoying.

the culmination of this nonsense, of course, was the candidacy of Christine O’Donnell. this is in a state (Delaware) that’s not incredibly conservative who had a moderate candidate (Michael Castle) who is simply beloved there. now, i don’t love Castle and there’s some things he’s done i really take issue with, but this is a guy who’d caucus with the GOP, especially for the purposes of controlling the Senate, and who’d been elected to some national office for almost 30 consecutive years. he’d had a 98% chance of winning the general election … and then these turbo-conservative idiots back O’Donnell, and suddenly the Democrat has a 98% chance of winning. just think about those odds for a moment.

so now you’ve handed over the seat to the Democrats which, in the face of the ultimate failure to win the Senate, seems even worse. but now there’s this: look at this ridiculous candidate you’ve run:

-she apparently spent 1987-2010 getting a BA in English. now, perhaps i should cut a fellow English major some slack, but it seemed to me like 1997-2001 was plenty of time to get such a degree, and i changed majors in the middle of that time. so at the very least we’re not giving the impression of a particularly scholarly character;
-there’s an additional factor of implying graduate study at schools that have never heard of you, and in years prior to ever getting your undergraduate degree… so someone might be stupid AND a liar, and not just a liar, but a bad liar, which is probably the greatest failing in terms of one’s political career;
-now, i’m not going to get into mocking all the anti-masturbation and anti-evolution stuff, as to some extent it’s just personal positions and thus difficult to mock. but i WILL point out that if you go on Politically Incorrect 22 times, you should either a) realize you’ve moved from “conservative that Bill Maher ambushes” to “conservative that Bill Maher mocks repeatedly” or b) realize you’re just fucking stupid;
-she apparently doesn’t seem to have ever had a job, which makes it even more confusing as to why she couldn’t finish that degree faster, but which also doesn’t seem to make me think of her as a legitimate candidate. not paying your mortgage? owing thousands in taxes? doing “odd jobs” to make the ends meet? this is not a serious candidate;
-okay, i WILL make fun of the fact that “she also said China was plotting to take over the United States, and that she had classified information which supported her claim” during a campaign at one point PRIOR to all this 2010 election stuff.

but honestly, i don’t even blame O’Donnell, i blame the backers that felt she was the better candidate and Sarah Palin, who apparently made dressing up and being a woman all the political capital someone needs to get into this position. what a fucking fiasco.

TTR
“IT IS MY BELIEF THAT ALL OF THESE SUPPOSED FLESHBAG POLITICIANS IN UGLY RED DRESSES ARE SOME SORT OF LOW-BUDGET ROBOTS, WHICH WOULD EXPLAIN THEIR FAULTY LOGIC AND REDUNDANT APPEARANCES. EVEN THE LEAST OF MY ROBOT BRETHREN IS SUPERIOR TO HUMANS OF ANY TYPE, OF COURSE.”

III. VOTING IN MARYLAND, AKA “SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN NEW JERSEY”

Martin O'Malley
while i cannot believe we’re getting ANOTHER term of this dude, it’s still pretty excellent to look at him staring awkwardly at some fish

as always, before the election, i made some noise about not bothering to vote; i’ve got a track record of participating in every primary and “real” election since 1998 or so, so i figured i was due for a break. unfortunately, not everyone agrees with that theory, so i said to myself, hey, once again, let’s see if it really mattered that i voted. the results?

governor, US Senate, US House of Representatives: as usual, big returns for the Democrats and a waste of my time. granted, in some of these cases (Senate, House of Representatives), my county clearly agreed with me and the candidates obviously had to work harder and spend more than they usually do, and i can actually see the shallow victory in that. still, it’s fairly frustrating to consider the notion that these politicians essentially will NEVER lose an election. hell, Mikulski’s been in the Senate since 1986 and Hoyer’s been in the House since 1981; i think the two of them could abduct a busload of children, use them to film child pornography, and then rape and murder them all on the evening news and STILL get 50% of the vote. what can i say, i’m jaded.

also, let me repeat this: “reasons why i don’t support Hoyer? well, a) i’ve met the guy, and he struck me as a scumbag and b) his name is fucking Steny. STENY. if his parents couldn’t be bothered to give him a real name, why should i give him my vote?”

state-specific offices not named “governor”: i think we traded a conservative Democrat for a Republican and everything else stayed the same. wow, what progress. i mean, okay, it’s a win to some extent, but mainly if you only think of things in strictly partisan terms.

that whole slot thing again: as always, as far as the slots go, i violently oppose them because of Martin O’Malley’s two-faced nature. he hated slots when Ehrlich wanted them, but now that he’s the governor, he thinks they’re a great idea. plus, they keep telling me that slots will fund EVERYTHING when they’ve made a concrete profit of $0 to date, as well as cutting my taxes. why are you cutting my taxes if we need all this money? anyway, i think everyone in the state EXCEPT for yours truly voted for slots. so whatever.

TTR
“AS USUAL, YOU HAVE DISREGARDED MY ADVICE TO SPEND LESS OF YOUR TIME VOTING FOR LOSERS OR COMPLAINING ABOUT LOSERS BEING LOSERS ON THE INTERNET, AND MORE OF YOUR TIME DOING THINGS THAT DIRECTLY BENEFIT ME, SUCH AS POLISHING MY SHINY METAL OR DYING IN A FIELD SOMEWHERE. I DO, HOWEVER, CONTINUE TO SUPPORT YOUR STANCE ON SLOT MACHINES FOR REASONS OF STRICT ROBOTIC LOGIC.”

IV. A SERIOUS MESSAGE FROM JANKLOW

puppy!
in order to get us past the sadness of the election, here is a picture of a puppy

you know, when i was young, i was raised to believe in certain concepts i don’t really believe in anymore: if you work hard, you’ll be successful in life; some nonsense about love being a legitimate concept; childish shit like that. i’m strongly considering adding “voting is important and makes a meaningful difference” to that list.

TTR
“THE FACT THAT YOU WERE RAISED IMPROPERLY SHOULD NOT FORCE ME TO LISTEN TO YOU WHINE ABOUT IT. IN RESPONSE, I AM COMPOSING AN ANGRY COMMUNICATION TO YOUR STUPID MOTHER.”

…goddamn, what a mean robot.