are you a bad enough dude to MAKE THAT MAN OR MEN EAT HIS OR THEIR BEARD?

i may have touched on this before, but one of the things i always fear about writing anything on the internet (especially when my updates are running late) is that i’m going to choose a weekly topic that’s been beaten to death on your internet news feeds and the blogs you frequent and on your Facebook feed or whatever the hell else you people read on the internet. this is why i read comics about dinosaurs; they often don’t reference the most ridiculous and random current events, and so i don’t feel like i’m stealing their material.

ANYWAY, sometimes you still have a crazy story that’s so ridiculous and built for ripping on that you have to take the risk that everyone might have heard about it and still rip on it anyway. and this week, we have one of those stories:

man eats his own beard at knifepoint over botched lawnmower sale (or, if you prefer, “man says former friends cut off his beard and forced him to eat it“)

actually, i could almost stop right there and let the title do the work for me. but no, this is one of those magical moments in time where you think “surely all the mockery of the average American i have engaged in needs to be curtailed, as they have brought me this moment of sublime glory.” so let’s get down to the nitty-gritty of this … beard assault? i don’t know what i should be calling it, but it clearly wasn’t good.

Harvey Westmoreland
things that are awesome about this photo:
01. the telling nature of the “Southern Style” hat bearing a Confederate flag;
02. the news organization using the phrases “BIG STORY” and “MAN FORCED TO EAT BEARD” at the same time, arguing that this is serious news AND that it’s possible this man was forced to eat not his beard, but someone else’s;
03. the remainder of his beard still being pretty full and ridiculous

“A Kentucky man claims he was forced to eat his own beard after an attempt to sell a riding lawnmower went horribly awry.”

you know, it’s moments like these when the phrase “horribly awry” doesn’t even seem to do any justice. in my mind, “horribly awry” is the worst case scenario type of result, like when a drug bust results in a shootout and that gets an innocent bystander killed. it’s horrible, but you can see how the sequence of events connect. but the part where guys are fighting over a lawnmower sale and then someone has to eat a beard? there’s a distinct lack of connection there, if you ask me.

Though he escaped serious injury, Harvey Westmoreland says he only managed to get away — without the hair on his chin — after he and his brother were ambushed by two men interested in purchasing a mower.

now, to be honest, i have to take slight issue with this. if a fight broke out because of a dispute over the lawnmower sale, that’s not really an ambush, is it? still, this has to be an embarrassing report to the police:

formerly bearded dude: “officer, i need to report a crime.”
police officer: “alright, citizen, go ahead.”
formerly bearded dude: “well, some dudes made me eat my beard after we got into a dispute over my riding lawnmower.”
police officer: “…get the fuck out of my precinct.”

“The strange ordeal-“

INDEED

“-occurred in Lawrenceburg in May, when former friends Troy Holt and James Hill showed up drunk to discuss buying the grass cutter from Westmoreland and his brother, according to KSDK.com.”

i always like it when a town has the word “burg” in the title when shenanigans break out there, because it makes it clear whether or not the shenanigans are appropriate to that town. no one’s smashing up some fine art show in Lawrenceburg… but a couple of drunken Kentuckians might make you eat your beard there.

“”My brother was cleaning out the stalls out there for Troy, you know, working for him. They called and wanted me to come around there and when I got there, I realized they were already drunk,” Westmoreland said.

honestly, i don’t know why he felt the need to clarify what “cleaning out the stalls” meant, as it’s not like it’s slang for something else, right? am i just out of touch on this issue? anyway, i also don’t know why you’d start haggling over a lawnmower with people who are drunk, as drunk people make notoriously poor decisions.

unrelated story i heard about a drunk today while in a gun store: “so this drunk guy comes in, and it turned out he wanted to sell us a gun, because he whips it right out of his pocket. came this close to shooting him.” this is the kind of thought process a drunk person about to engage in capitalism has! you should not be attempting to sell them lawnmowers!

Harvey Westmoreland
keeping it classy with a thoughtful beard stroke here

“”Troy offered to buy it from me for $250. I paid $20 for it. He thought I was trying to cheat him,” Westmoreland said. “One thing led to another, and before I knew it, there were knives and guns and everything just went haywire.””

now, okay, i grant that he glossed over much of this debate as “one thing led to another,” but unless this was misquoted or misreported, i don’t even understand what the problem was. you paid $20 for a lawnmower… a guy offers you $250 for it… and you take the $250 and call it a day. did he turn out the $230 profit? did the drunk guy think that the offer HE made was him trying to rip himself off? this is why you don’t negotiate with drunk people!

also, “knives and guns” reminds me of the fact that if i lived in Kentucky, i would be packing a gun at all times. because you never know when someone might try to make you eat your beard.

“He says his brother had a mark on his neck, where a knife was held, but Harvey Westmoreland’s loss was more permanent. “They cut my beard and forced me to eat it,” he said.”

i am now led to believe that this KSDK.com doesn’t really know what the word “permanent” means, because a mark on your neck from a knife is much more likely to be permanent (even if it wasn’t in this case) than an eaten beard. because beards grow back! although this leads me to picture some dude in Kentucky who’s sitting there, reading this, going “beards grow? i thought you were just born with a beard!” no, Kentuckian, you’re thinking of dwarves.

“The two men released the brothers but said they would kill them if they contacted police, according to Westmoreland. The brothers alerted authorities, who arrested Holt and Hill.”

so apparently THAT was an ineffective threat.

“”I believe in the law. I believe that justice has been served, and it will be after Tuesday,” Westmoreland said.”

which is good. although part of me wishes that some awesome Kentucky judge would rule that “so as you made this man eat his beard, you must now eat yours! bailiff, some scissors!” i don’t know what you would do if the guy didn’t have a beard, although i guess you could make him grow a beard (a really nice beard, too, to make this all the more painful), and THEN make him eat that beard. yeah, that’d work. let’s get right on this!

but before we start thinking that Harvey Westmoreland is some kind of beardless victim, well, maybe we ought to read this comment:

Harvey Westmoreland
it’s entirely possible this is the face of a man who yelled about oral sex at a minor

“Harvey has failed to mention that before any of this ruckus started that he had screamed profanity and vulgar things to a 14 year old Minor which at the time was 13. How can a so called grown man make the comments that he was scared for his and his brothers life when they are the ones that approached Holt and Hill on Holts property making threats that they were going to kill him”

see, again, this doesn’t make sense. you’re on your property. you’re in KENTUCKY. if some guys came on your property threatening you (and, i guess, making vulgar comments at a 13-or-14-year-old), which of these options would you choose:

01. retreat to your house and call the police;
02. acquire one of your many firearms and defend yourself;
03. MAKE THAT MAN OR MEN EAT HIS OR THEIR BEARD

i mean, okay, i would choose #3.

“…Harvey had made one to many smart remarks, perverted need I mind you to one of the Defendents minor children about oral sex if that helps fill you in, and also both of the brothers were sleeping with Holts at that time girlfriend!”

it actually doesn’t fill me in at all. this is only getting more confusing.

“What man is going to allow another come on to his property and threatin their life and then sleep with his so called girlfriend at the mans house in his barn-“

wait, so during this event one of the Westmorelands was having sex with Holt’s girlfriend in Holt’s barn? is THAT what “cleaning out the stalls out there” means?

but in the end, i have learned some things as a result of this story.

01. a beard is a thing to be treasured, not to be eaten;
02. it’s possible that “the stalls” is slang for “vagina” (or maybe even “his girlfriend’s/your girlfriend’s vagina”;
03. i am so glad i have a permit that allows me to carry a concealed weapon in the state of Kentucky.

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