in which crime involving “horse kicking” and “fat rolls” is overshadowed by Randy Quaid

people think a lot of weird things and do a lot of weird things in this great nation of ours; some of those people are celebrities, and some of those weird things involve horses. actually, given the fact that i’ve made fun of guys trying to sexually assault horses in the past, i should probably be clear and point out that we’re not taking of anything of the sort on this occasion, so if that sort of thing bothers you, don’t worry, we’re going to try and keep it PG-13 rated today.

and now, on with the links! and the mockery related to them, of course.

Randy and Evi Quaid
i’m just imagining that he’s whispering to his wife, “act natural, that guy’s probably a reptilian alien”

Randy Quaid: apparently the victim of an overly complicated murder plot?

so if you’ve been following the world of celebrity gossip (and who hasn’t), you may have noticed that Randy Quaid (and his wife Evi) have apparently gone on sort of a weird, sad run of supposedly criminality: supposedly they defrauded an innkeeper, and then lived in (and damaged) a guest house without permission (which is apparently felony vandalism). granted, Randy was never a massive movie star, but the guy clearly worked steadily, has been in quite a few successful films and won a Golden Globe. and now he and his wife have “sought refugee status in Canada… [claiming] they were being hunted by a sinister band of celebrity killers: Star Whackers, they called them.” what the fuck? well, it turns out that Quaid and his wife have at least tried to clarify this.

“We’re this close to solving our own murder,” Evi says. “It’s the only way I’ll be able to keep Randy alive.” … Black circles around her black eyes. “I didn’t sleep a wink last night,” she says later. She was studying Canadian immigration law and watching the crack under the door for feet. They will be killed in one of three ways, she says. (She does most of the talking.) She has interrupted the killers practicing. “Staging scenarios,” she calls them. Dry runs, rehearsals, blocking for a gruesome play.

okay… so there’s a team of guys plotting to kill you… and you’ve caught them practicing? well, far be it from me to suggest that PERHAPS the lack of sleep is helping this along, but doesn’t it seem odd that you’re catching these guys in the act and a) surviving the event while b) not getting any hard evidence of these staged scenarios that you KNOW are occurring? well, okay, this is early in the article, maybe i just need more information.

“Their most likely end, the Quaids believe, will involve knives. Randy will be drugged in his sleep — “They know he has sleep apnea,” she says — and Evi will be stabbed to death. Then they will put the knife in his hand. He will wake up and be locked away forever. Or he will kill himself in his terror and grief.”

wait… so do they want to kill Quaid or his wife? because i thought she was trying to prevent HIS murder… but then there’s this plot that involves framing him for HER murder… plus, don’t you think he wouldn’t kill himself if he found her dead as a result of a plot to frame him since he’s AWARE of this plot to frame them? well, okay, okay, maybe i’m just not understanding this.

“The Star Whackers have stolen some of his songs — he writes sad, introspective songs on more crumpled sheets of paper — and the killers will lay one out on the nightstand or the kitchen counter. “Randy’s songs read like suicide notes,” Evi says. “That’s how the cops will read them.””

so they break in and steal his songs… but they don’t just break right back in and finish the job? plus, let me just add that if i was being stalked by a shadowy syndicate of killers for some reason, i wouldn’t write suicidal-sounding songs. and if i DID, i’d at least burn the crumpled sheets of paper upon which i scrawled them. Evi goes on and on with a laundry list of theoretical scenarios, but i’m still not understanding WHY they’re to be killed, you know?

The Star Whackers could, at least. They are good at what they do. Heath Ledger. Chris Penn. David Carradine. Ronni Chasen gunned down only last week, five bullets in her chest. Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson, they’ll be next.

i guess the question i have to ask is that if there WAS this mysterious cabal of celebrity assassins… then why is this the list they’ve chosen. Chris Penn? seriously? did anyone say more than “oh, the guy from Reservoir Dogs” when he died? and i don’t say this to mock Chris Penn, of course, because he WAS solid in that film, but really? the evil plot is to take out Randy Quaid and Chris Penn? on the other hand… maybe Joe Pantoliano better watch his back.

“They head a few blocks over to Sas’s office. Suite 600, another windowless room. Windowless rooms are safer. No cell phones; they can be tracked from space. Only landlines. They stayed in hotels here at first, keeping on the move, but the hotels began calling each other. Doors were closed to the Quaids.”

oh boy, now we’re getting the real tinfoil hat stuff about needing to avoid windows and having your phone tracked. granted, i’m a little jaded because i worked some years with a guy who truly subscribed to many beliefs in this vein (aliens invented Velcro, something about an octopus and Bill Clinton) and he made every such scheme sound COMPLETELY nuts. but is it really mysterious why these hotels are calling each other?

“Marriott here.”
“hey, this is the Hilton. say, do you guys have Randy Quaid and his wife over there?”
“yeah, they just checked in about an hour ago.”
“well, just so you know, they covered all the windows in the room with metal tape to stop CIA laser and they killed a goat on their bed because its spirit energy would help defend them from ghost assassins.”
“…i’ll alert the cleaning crew.”

“”Radar Online is owned by the police,” Evi says firmly. She sounds entirely convinced. “They called the Dairy Queen in Marfa, Texas, to spread rumors about us when we lived there. Everything came out of the Dairy Queen.””

well, THAT statement i absolutely believe. but even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

“They’re still scared for their lives — scared enough to forfeit a $1 million bond in California on November 16 rather than return to face the vandalism charges — but Canada is starting to feel something like home. Now, they just have to win Randy’s refugee application, and they will be safe at last.”

because, as well all know, assassins won’t travel from country to country to ensure their shadowy secrets are kept, right?

“[David] Carradine had called them only the week before his demise, unaware that the killers had already followed him to Thailand. The killers made millions off the Carradine hit. Insurance, siphoned royalty checks, wagers. So many revenue streams and waterfalls. Randy’s still making money off Days of Thunder. “The Days of Thunder angle is very interesting,” Evi says before she decides it’s better not to go down that road.”

oh. so killers followed Carradine to Thailand and killed him… but the Quaids are safe in Canada? huh? granted, i probably would feel more safe in Canada myself (that country is so damn CLEAN), but i happen to know that some crime DOES take place there. and it’s, you know, right next door to the country that’s supposedly bursting with anti-Quaid assassins.

so look, ultimately i think we all know that this is ridiculous because, come on, not one single celebrity can get stuffed with drugs or engage in a little auto-erotic asphyxiation without it being part of some complicated, all-consuming plot? because it’s not like the Quaids are saying “well, dudes killed Carradine and Heath Ledger, but that Mel Gibson character, he’s got REAL problems,” they’re essentially arguing that EVERY last celebrity is killed (or framed as crazy, whichever) is done as part of the same plane by the same dudes.

i love celebrities in this country. but hell, it’s not just limited to the celebrities!

Jeffrey Paul Siebert
“yeah, i kicked that horse, so what? that’s what it gets for being tall and eating oats!”

man accused of kicking police horse in rear end

sadly, a lot of the local news organizations that reported this story initially (i’m looking at you, KTRK-TV and KIAH-TV) have removed the article from their websites, so a Google (or Bing, whatever you like) search for cached copies of the story may be necessary. still, i guess i can give you the meat of the story here:

“A man who allegedly kicked a police horse in the rear end is now facing a criminal charge. Jeffrey Paul Siebert, 30, has been charged with a misdemeanor charge of interference with a police service animal. On Sunday, Siebert kicked a police officer’s horse “in the hind quarters causing the horse to react,” according to a probable cause statement issued by the Harris County Sheriff’s Office. His bail has been set at $5,000. Siebert has a prior conviction of misdemeanor assault.”

so i have some concerns here:

01. so this guy seems to have been a Texans fan (i can’t confirm this in any way, of course) and his team won on Sunday. so what the hell is with these football fans that go nuts when their team wins? i’ve seen some fans do this (i’m looking at you, Washington fans at that one win over Detroit), and it never makes sense. this is your time to be happy and magnanimous to those losing fans … and also to, i suppose, unrelated police horses.

02. who kicks a horse for no real reason at all? now, i hate horses: they’re rude and pushy and shit all over everything. terrible animals. still, i respect the fact that they’re 13 times my size and can kick my face into jelly, and so there’s no way i would just run up to one and kick it in the ass – RIGHT NEXT TO THE PART THAT CAN CRUSH YOUR FACE – and cause it to “react.”

03. $5000 bail for kicking a horse? wow.

Ailene Brown and Shmeco Thomas
i will, of course, be using this story as justification for my desire to never be fat

women accused of hiding merchandise in body fat

once again, this story isn’t too complicated (i think the headline says it all), so i can afford to lay it all out for you here:

“Two women are arrested for shoplifting and police say they used their bodies to conceal the goods. Edmond police authorities say it was at the Edmond TJ Maxx that loss prevention officers found the duo stuffing items under their belly fat and breasts. They say they took four pair of boots, three pair of jeans, a wallet and gloves; $2,600 worth of store merchandise. Ailene Brown, 28, and 37-year-old Shmeco Thomas were arrested for shoplifting and are facing felony charges. Officer James Hamm said, “These two were actually concealing them in areas of their body where excess skin was, under their chest area and armpits.” Police say Brown also had a knife in her purse they say she used to cut security tags in the store.”

so i also have some concerns here:

01. did anyone doubt, when they read that title, that this took place somewhere in the South? because i immediately thought “goddamn Mississippi strikes again,” but it turns out that this actually took place in Oklahoma. see, i’ve learned a valuable conclusion about leaping to conclusions today.

02. you know, i get trying to be tactful, but there’s no reason to dance around the obvious and say “areas of their body where excess skin was.” “belly fat” is absolutely the appropriate – and TERRIBLE – way to describe the situation.

03. at least there’s worse ways i can picture someone “using their bodies to conceal goods” than merely jamming said goods under your rolls of fat, so i suppose it could have been worse. really, things can always be worse, so sometimes it’s good to be reminded of that.

04. Shmeco Thomas has the BEST mugshot expression. seriously.

okay, that’s enough for this week; these Americans have really worn me out. until next time!

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