in which we discuss events regarding Christmas trees, and also Kevin Costner

now that Christmas has come and gone, before i get back into the usual routine of “commenting on various news stories in the absence of a ‘real topic’ or whatever else it is that legitimate writers cover on the internet,” i wanted to take a brief moment to rag on a couple of other Christmas-themed stories that i had not yet gotten the chance to. you know, before they’re completely outdated and i’m talking about Christmas stories in February and everyone’s just staring blankly at their computer screens? anyway, let’s get right into it.

Colombians sticking it to FARC
so, i don’t exactly speak the Spanish… so i hope this has something to do with “Operation Christmas”

Colombia army gives FARC rebels early Christmas gift

“The Colombian army says it has installed a giant Christmas tree in Farc rebel territory, to encourage guerrilla fighters to demobilize.”

really? i mean, okay, i didn’t not know what FARC’s stance on Christmas and/or Christmas trees was, although i could have assumed that, being criminal Marxists, they would probably say some very negative things about it, and then start talking about Lenin. all the communists LOVE Lenin!

“Special forces infiltrated the remote Macarena mountain range to dress a 25m (82ft) high tree with 2,000 lights. Movement sensors will make the tree light up when guerrillas approach.”

ah, okay, it must be a joke, because not only is the idea of making these motion-sensor-activated trees ridiculous (or maybe it’s not, but it sure makes these trees sound fancy), but also, Macarena mountain range? come on!

“The army says it will put up trees in nine other rebel-held zones to spread the message that Christmas is a good time to abandon armed struggle.”

well… okay, this is starting to sound legitimate. nine other trees? although i’m not sure if the message a government Christmas tree sends is “Christmas is a good time to abandon armed struggle” so much as it is “fuck you, FARC, we’ll put our capitalist trees anywhere we want to put them, and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

“”Operation Christmas,” as it was code named, was carried out by elite troops using Blackhawk helicopters.”

for the record, that’s a completely useless code name. remember, these things are supposed to DISGUISE what your military forces are doing; this is why we might code name some operation to drop a Special Forces team onto some Syria nuclear reactor something like “Operation Teakettle.” then, when someone hears the name, they’ll have no idea what’s going on. make sense? okay, so what’s the point of the code name?

“The Christmas tree was installed near a rebel supply route in the region where the Farc military leader, Mono Jojoy, was killed in a large-scale military assault in September.”

granted, i understand that he was a serious, murderous criminal and all, but i can’t NOT enjoy the fact that this dude was named “Mono Jojoy.” also, i would like to note that he was killed thanks to “Operation Sodoma,” which apparently was a lot more military-themed than it sounds.

“As well as lights, it was decorated with slogans saying “Demobilize, at Christmas everything is possible” and “If Christmas can come to the jungle, you can come home”.”

okay, i’m not even going to pretend this isn’t awesome anymore. Colombia, you’re hilariously pranking the hell out of these rebels, and for that i salute you.

i would also like to throw in a brief shot at the fact that British people think they’re SO SMART because they use words like “boot” and “lorry,” and yet they spelled it “Farc” like it’s some guy’s name. actually, though, all the British guys i have known have been very nice and never called me a stupid American… so now i feel bad and this whole burn has kind of backfired on me. oh well!

South Korea’s mixed messages to North: anger, and a Christmas tree

and speaking of people using Christmas trees to prank the hell out of their adversaries:

“Christmas may be the last thing on the minds of many North Koreans this year, but that didn’t stop their neighbors to the south on Tuesday from sending a message designed to raise their spirits. The method of delivery was a giant, brightly lit Christmas tree, reportedly visible from Kaesong, the border city on the northern side of the demilitarized zone dividing North and South.”

now, as hilarious as i find Kim Jong-Il, i’m also going to admit i find it hilarious to picture him sitting in his North Korean fortress, sipping some expensive liquor (probably Scotch), watching his battered old VHS tapes of the L.A. Lakers (and their cheerleaders) … and then catching a glimpse of this massive Christmas tree out of the corner of his eye and freaking out. and THAT, my friends, is the true spirit of Christmas.

“The tree serves a propaganda role, reminding of repression and the lack of religious freedom in the North. Yet even in the tumult of plummeting North-South relations, it may also serve as a beacon of continuing Korean brotherhood.”

damn it, Christian Science Monitor, don’t bring some “message of brotherhood” into the mix here, as it really fouls up my ability to presume this is all hilarious. now i’m going to think of the starving, abused North Koreans who are toiling in… uh… some salt mines? no, no, some nuclear mine! anyway, they’re toiling and they’re sad and they see the Christmas tree and they have hope? that’s not fucking FUNNY, you sick bastards!

“Over the past decade, the US was frequently the target. The streets filled with protesters in 2002 after two US soldiers ran over and killed two South Korean schoolgirls. Two years ago, Koreans vented their fury again when imports of US beef were controversially resumed. But the recent attack failed to yield an outpouring of comparable magnitude, despite a year of military confrontations and casualties – a contrast that may speak to the ties that bind across the border.”

brief serious tangent: while i acknowledge and respect the ties between the two Koreas, this is still pretty fucked up. granted, it’s tragic that those girls were killed, so i can overlook that protest. but let me get this straight: there’s streets filled with protesters over the fact that US beef is being imported (beef which no one HAS to buy) … but there’s no protests after artillery shells kill South Koreans? South Koreans, your priorities are officially a little fucked up.

“It is really ridiculous. Forty-six sailors were killed on the [sinking of the South Korean naval vessel] Cheonan in March and this time two soldiers and two civilians have been killed by the bombardment,” says Shin Woong-jae, a photographer from Seoul. “Why isn’t there any protest against North Korea?”

Shin Woong-jae, your priorities are cool and if i had realize you were about to recap it for me, i could have saved myself the trouble. oh well! then this article goes on to talk at length about all the serious issues facing the Korean Peninsula, issues that are very serious, but which have no place in an irreverent blog posting that has aspirations to comedy. so i guess we’d better switch over to another article:

“Governor of Gyeonggi Province Kim Moon Soo has said that any attempt by North Korea to attack Christmas lights on a hill north of Seoul would be a “clear provocation.” … Speaking this morning at meeting with provincial high officials, Governor Kim said, “It would be a clearly provocative act were North Korea to attack bright lights on South Korean territory.””

i think you might be a little defensive there, Kim Moon Soo, because wouldn’t it be a provocation for North Korea to attack ANYTHING on South Korean territory? i mean, it’s not like when they shelled Yeonpyeong Island all the South Koreans were saying “eh, there were no bright holiday lights there, so it doesn’t really matter if anyone was killed.” unless, of course, we happen to know that Christmas is almost too much for Kim Jong-Il to resist attacking… which really would make him such a comic-book villain.

“The [Yoido Full Gospel Church], which says it is holding the ceremony to demand an end to North Korean provocations and call for Korean reunification, has been prevented from putting up the lights in previous years to avoid antagonizing North Korea. Therefore, concerns have been raised that North Korea might attempt to attack the tower on the hill, particularly given that it faces an area of the North which houses a large number of Chosun People’s Army personnel.”

i have got to figure out a way to send $13 to this church, which, if you ask me, should immediately change its name to “Yoido Fully Awesome Church.” oh, sure, they’re probably actually pretty boring in full and spend a lot of time praying or whatever, but let me dream, damn it!

“Nevertheless, North Korea regards the Christmas lights as one element of psychological warfare, and as such may feel that they are a suitable target-“

let me close this bit with some advice for North Korea: dudes, if they KNOW you’re going to flip out over a Christmas tree, they’re just going to keep lighting up Christmas trees. you have to think of this like South Korea is your big brother; if they find out that you go nuts over Christmas trees or getting punched in the arm or whatever, they’re going to milk it and enjoy themselves. don’t play into that, guys?

wait… maybe i should have used my time to give North Korea advice to tell them “stop being such dickholes and give up the nukes and Kim Jong-Il and just peacefully reunify with South Korea already.” shit, opportunity lost!

okay, on to more non-Christmas matters:

remember when this visage was always smiling at you from movie posters? thank god that’s over

Stephen Baldwin Sues Kevin Costner for Allegedly Scheming Him Out of Millions

so, i hate to link to some gossip under the guise of news, but really, this headline is too excellent to overlook. why, just think of the possible reasons that Stephen Baldwin (who might still need your help) could possibly think that Kevin Costner, of all people, has schemed him out of money? i don’t know about you, but all i could think of was “something regarding Tin Cup 2.” wait, “Waterworld 2” might even be funnier! the possibilities are endless! so let’s see what’s up:

“Kevin Costner and Stephen Baldwin aren’t Harvard students weaseling inside a dorm room, they’re grown men, but Costner allegedly pulled a ‘Social Network’-style Zuckerberg move-“

ugh. see, this is why i try not to get articles from celebrity gossip sites. why the hell are we talking about the goddamn Social Network? doesn’t this ridiculous Baldwin-Costner feud have enough legs to stand on its own?

“-when he supposedly duped Baldwin into dropping his shares in Costner’s company Ocean Therapy. According to TMZ, Baldwin is suing Costner because he robbed him of his shares in the oil-filtering invention Costner sold during the BP oil leak disaster in the Gulf of Mexico.”

yeah, this is not exactly the defrauding i saw coming. actually, that’s not entirely true, because i remember Costner going on and on about his oil-filtering machines in the wake of the BP oil spill incident, and honestly, it always comes to mind when i think about “Kevin Costner” plus “ridiculous events.” that said, what the hell does it have to do with Stephen Baldwin? maybe we’ll find out in the next quote…

“According to a filed lawsuit in Louisiana federal court … Costner agreed to have Baldwin come on to his small biotech company, which built a device separating oil from water. The move assured Baldwin 10 percent of shares in the company. The key part of the lawsuit comes in Baldwin’s accusation of Costner lying about plans to sell the devices to BP after buying Baldwin’s shares back, when he later ended up selling 32 machines to the oil corporation. The deal with BP had an estimated value of $52 million. Baldwin suggests he was “duped” into selling back his shares to make a bigger profit with a BP deal Costner said didn’t exist, and wants to be repaid in damages.”

several things that i do not believe could possibly be accurate include:
–Costner having a “small biotech company” that builds ANYTHING, let alone an oil-filtering machine;
–Costner’s company being capable of building any machine than a legitimate corporation would purchase, let alone 32 of them (seriously?);
–various 9/11 conspiracies (i just don’t believe in them);
–Costner being clever enough to “dupe” anyone, even Stephen Baldwin. in fact, i once knew this Labrador retriever that always tried to run in front of the target when you were shooting, and i don’t think Costner could outwit that dog.

“Before Costner parted with Baldwin, Costner spent $20 million investing in Ocean Therapy with hopes of helping saving entire ecosystems poisoned by oil leaks-“

also not making sense: how the hell does Costner have $20 million to spend on this? granted, i know he was a big, popular movie star pulling down lots of case… but wasn’t that like 20 years ago or something? and i know he was big enough star-wise to product and direct and all, and thus maybe get some percentage points on film profits… but didn’t he also have some infamous flops? i happen to think he still owes me $10 for Waterworld. and also, that’s $20 million spent on this ALONE, not including his home(s) or family or living expenses or agents or lawyers. how much money does this guy actually have?

“-and serendipitously, Costner’s wonder machines ended up making him a “green warrior” after they were put to work in the Gulf of Mexico last Summer.”

serendipitously? you’re not fooling anyone with your giant words, gossip site. but let’s move on to the topic at hand: i really do not recall anyone using Costner’s machines. am i wrong? does anyone else remember them actually being used? furthermore, we will not be referring to him as a “green warrior.” or any other kind of “warrior.” we will be referring to him strictly as “Kevin Costner, lord of the douchebags.”

there’s no information beyond that, so i guess we’ll have to wonder about whatever will become of this shocking legal debate.

’tis the season for janklow to be annoyed with the holidays III: it’s all about the rap music

just prior to Christmas, your hero janklow found himself driving around with his father, presumably talking at length about some nonsense (as is our usual routine); on this occasion i was listening to a heavy dosage of Yo Gotti mixtapes, prompting my father to ask me why i wasn’t listening to, you know, CHRISTMAS rap music. now of course my response was to remark that with snow coming down, listening to CM5: White Friday had a certain thematic appropriateness (so clever, i know), but this did raise a good point: is there really even enough legitimate Christmas hip-hop music out there for me to even ride around listening to?

so, of course, i think this warrants going on and on at length (or, as “at length” as we can get on this topic) on the internet about it. don’t you? anyway, what i’ll try to do here is rank the small selection of music that we’ve got, so that you can at least know which of the three Christmas rap tunes are the best of them, okay? okay then.

janklow’s list of the 13 best of all those myriad Christmas-themed hip-hop tunes

honorable mention: Sweet Tee’s “Let The Jingle Bells Rock,” Biz Markie’s “XXX-Mas” (featuring Big Daddy Kane, no less), the Juice Crew’s “A Cold Chillin’ Christmas,” and all the New York music that rocked a ton of sleigh bells for reasons that had NOTHING to do with Christmas.

A Dipset Xmas
this… this is not really what the children want their Christmas to be like

13. Audio Two – “A Christmas Rhyme” (A Christmas Rhyme, 1985)
so let’s start things off with this entry from Audio Two, which i mainly include because it would make some effort to find someone who gives a fuck about Audio Two. 50 Cent sampled them for a single… and i guess they were popular in the early 1980s… and that’s it. seriously, you can find someone to defend most ANY artist –i for one have heard people defend Rick Ross with a straight face on multiple occasions– but i have yet to hear anyone even seem to CARE about Audio Two. anyway, they made a Christmas song, i guess.

12. Busta Rhymes – “Grinch 2000” (f. Jim Carrey) (How The Grinch Stole Christmas OST, 2000)
so i put this one on the list because of the many reason it’s clearly awesome before you even listen to it: it’s got the edgy and extreme “2000” part in the title, it features Jim Carrey for some reason (because no self-respecting rap fan is going to listen to Grinch songs WITHOUT Jim Carrey, right?)… okay, actually, i’m including this song on the list because if my sibling finds out i had a chance to put a Grinch rap song on it and i didn’t, she’ll beat me up. seriously.

11. Treacherous Three – “Santa’s Rap” (f. Doug E. Fresh) (Beat Street OST, 1984)
i’ve never really been a huge fan of Doug E. Fresh (especially now that he’s a Scientologist and all), but what this song DOES have going for it, beyond the Christmas theme, is the fact that apparently someone decided to throw a Christmas song onto a movie soundtrack, with that movie being released in the summer. i have no idea if it’s plot appropriate, as i have never seen Beat Street and, quite frankly, am not about to start watching it now. although ya’ll should be glad that i didn’t quit, because i’m getting too old for this Santa Claus shit.

10. Jim Jones – “Ballin’ On Xmas” (A Dipset Xmas, 2006)
the best/worst thing about this song, of course, is that it’s not just one track off a compilation or a single that stands on its own; Jim Jones and the rest of the illustrious Diplomats decided to go all out and make an entire Christmas album. sure, it’s terrible, and half the album has nothing to do with Christmas at all, but it does feature a handful of Christmas tracks (“Dipset X-mas Time,” “Have A Happy Christmas,” “Wish List,” “If Everyday Was Xmas”), and this is probably the best of them. fa-la-la-la-la, a Dipset Christmas!

Ludacris in Fred Claus
honestly, even if the song sucked, i’d have to include it so i could use photos like this

09. Snoop Doggy Dogg – “Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto” (f. Dat Nigga Daz, Nate Dogg, Tray Deee & Bad Azz) (Christmas On Death Row, 1996)
so, okay, it’s not the same as a group/crew deciding to do their own Christmas album, but Death Row once tried to halfway accomplish Dipset’s goal and come up with their own label-based Christmas album, which i assure you features far too much Danny Boy singing Christmas songs. this remains the best track from the album, with some uncompromisingly ominous music (seriously) and the sounds of Nate Dogg, who i really do wish would come by and sing me some holiday tunes every year. ain’t help from no elves, just the Dogg Pound!

08. Ludacris – “Ludachristmas” (Fred Claus OST, 2007)
now, i don’t want anyone to think the inclusion of this song is somehow an endorsement of this “Fred Claus” garbage; nothing could be further from the truth. but what it IS an endorsement of is Ludacris rocking over a solid track with some holiday-themed rhymes. actually, he’s a good choice for such a track, because he’s got skills, but he’s not afraid to relax and make a goofy track. oh, and this is DEFINITELY an endorsement of the title “Ludachristmas.” classic.

07. Eazy-E – “Merry Muthafuckin’ Xmas” (5150: Home 4 Tha Sick, 1992)
you know what i think of when i think of Christmas music? someone telling me a Christmas story about the “bad-ass Eazy-E!” well, no, not really. but if you’re guessing that this Christmas song, despite its catchy beat, is completely filled with inappropriate violence and sexual content… well, yes, you’re absolutely correct about that. that said, it’s like a solid X-rated run-through of the typical holiday songs. and on the third day of Christmas, my homeboys gave to me an A-motherfucking-K!

06. the Christmas All-Stars (Reverend Run, Ma$e, Puff Daddy, Snoop Dogg, Salt-N-Pepa, Onyx & Keith Murray) – “Santa Baby” (A Very Special Christmas 3, 1997)
so to understand why i have ranked this song so high, well, just look at the list of artists appearing on the song. first off, it’s not a bad list, but it’s a ridiculously cosmopolitan one. Salt-N-Pepa and Ma$e and Snoop and Sticky Fingaz? secondly, the thing is that some artists can be menacing on tracks and switch it up to playful with ease and without seeming ridiculous, and they’re guys like Snoop. but who the fuck thinks, “do you know what this Christmas song needs? more Onyx!” and that’s why i love it.

Millie Pulled A Pistol On Santa
so, yeah, sometimes hip-hop doesn’t make for traditional holiday imagery

05. Kurtis Blow – “Christmas Rappin'” (Christmas Rappin’ 12″, 1979)
beyond the fact that Kurtis Blow is a pioneer in this rap game, albeit the kind no one really listens to after they give him some kind of token acknowledgment, this must be ranked highly for two reasons: one, its massive success is part of why hip-hop took off as a commercial and critical success, and two, i have a soft spot for Kurtis Blow on the grounds that “the Breaks” is one of the greatest hip-hop songs ever. seriously, listen to that shit sometime. but, you know, do it AFTER Christmas.

04. De La Soul – “Millie Pulled A Pistol On Santa” (De La Soul Is Dead, 1991)
De La Soul is one of those groups that, if you want to be clear about your hip-hop credentials, you have to recognize them, and so we’re getting our props here. but here’s the catch: this isn’t a Christmas song so much as it is a good, serious song about a girl shooting her abusive father while he’s dressed like Santa Claus. so is this a Christmas song? eh, i guess it’s really not… but what the hell, it rocks and Santa’s in the title. on the list it goes!

03. David Banner – “The Christmas Song” (MTA2: Baptized In Dirty Water, 2004)
it’s a well-known fact that i think David Banner has a turbo-excellent voice, and so i love how this track a) appears smack in the middle of MTA2, b) has an understated, very holiday-appropriate beat (seriously), and c) is, as i would expect from Banner, completely fucking furious and themed around, basically, “since we’re poor as fuck and can’t improve our lot in life, we’re robbing the fuck out of you for the sake of our kids’ Christmas.” awesome.

02. Run-DMC – “Christmas In Hollis” (Christmas In Hollis 12″, 1987)
there are only really two or three songs, all jokes aside, that are “classic” Christmas rap songs, and this is one of them: early enough that this concept of “Christmas rap” doesn’t seem too contradictory, but late enough that the rappers can rap a little. and if nothing else, as the Irishman would point out, the video would feature a pit bull pulling Santa’s sled. Run-DMC would later go on to make a sequel to this track (“Christmas Is”), the very idea of which is really what i find most ridiculous about the whole thing.

he knows if you’ve been bad or good … so be good for old Ghostface!

01. Ghostface Killah – “Ghostface X-mas” (GhostDeini the Great, 2008)
well, you had to know this was coming: i happen to think Ghostface is just, you know, the most awesome guy there is, and i may have even referenced this song before. in fact, i think i described it like this: “”Ghostface X-Mas” [is] essentially, well, Ghostface and friends describing their holiday adventures. “them little elves gettin’ busy in Santa’s workshop’ and “eggnog splashed with Hennessy” indeed!”

doesn’t that sound awesome? even my father, after being forced to listen to this song, had to acknowledge “that was actually a good Christmas song.” so go listen to it!

i still don’t think the holidays are very good, but it is what it is. at least now we know what soundtrack i’ll be listening to during them.

oddly enough, this update is going to reference testicles several times

i got a little bit of static for writing an update that kind of, sort ended on a major down note last week; this was one of those times where i suppose i felt compelled to cover a topic (perhaps suspecting all the while that no one would actually read it, so who cares), but then it turns out you can’t joke about it (dead dogs are sad) and you can’t rant about it (because it seemed like, you know, a tragic mistake all around) and it’s just kind of THERE. and now we have to move on.

so let’s not weigh this update down any more than we have to! how about a little tale that maybe we can make some jokes about, and then maybe another concept we can rant about a little? would that be okay? cool.

Paul Lawrence Wadley
there are worse photos of this guy out there, let me assure you

ex-California police chief charged with indecent exposure
now this story, as summed up in that one line there, probably doesn’t sound like THAT big of a deal: all across this grand old nation of ours, police officers and former police officers are constantly getting busted for some ridiculous or appalling crime or another. now, this is not really funny (either the concept or the lives of those individual men, because some of them clearly have problems) … but then again, sometimes one of these former cops does something REALLY ridiculous. this is one of those times.

“An arrest warrant has been issued for a former police chief of a small Los Angeles County suburb accused of publicly disseminating nude pictures of himself and exposing himself near hiking trails, officials said today.”

because you know that when you read “charged with indecent exposure,” there were some things you DIDN’T expect to read next, no matter how depraved your mind is, and two of those things were probably “publicly disseminating nude pictures of himself” (which almost sounds like some kind of pornography business gone horribly wrong) and “near hiking trails.” hell, the phrase “near hiking trails” is never featured in any kind of crazy or sex-themed story as far as i can remember.

“”Nothing in this job surprises us anymore,” Anaheim police Sgt. Rick Martinez told AOL News. “You never know … as long as these people come from the human race, anything is possible.””

this Rick Martinez is now my new favorite police officer, because i imagine this is the kind of press conference i would give were i a police officer.

news guys: “Sergeant Janklow, do you have any comment on the crime scene? we heard that several bodies were found in var-”
janklow: “look… shit happens. people are fucked up in the head. what do you expect?”
news guys: “alright, but this particular crime was very hein-”

anyway, i’m not saying i would keep the job very long, just that i would be promptly flipping out at press conferences. PROMPTLY.

“Anaheim police are looking for Paul Lawrence Wadley, 56, who has been charged with one count of indecent exposure after a series of events that began around Nov. 1. Wadley retired in June as chief of the police department of Huntington Park, a city with a three-mile radius and a population of just under 65,000 people.”

you can also tell that this is a more ridiculous, less tragic story by the use of the phrase “series of events.” not “string of attacks,” not “wave of crimes” … “series of events.” like it’s just some things that randomly happened, like the weather. “today, it’ll be warm and cloudy, with slight showers of naked photos of an old dude.”

“Wadley is out of the country and Martinez says it’s possible that the ex-chief doesn’t even know he’s been charged. “We don’t even know if he knows,” Martinez said.”

this… is not particularly stringent police work. Martinez strikes again! “yeah, we know this guy did some crazy shit, but we’re not sure where he is, or where we’d find him, or if we should tell him that, you know, we know what he’s been up to. whatever, he’ll probably show up with more naked photos, and if we see him, you know, we’ll make an effort to bring him in.”

“The bizarre case went down like this: A woman who frequents a wilderness hiking trail in Anaheim started seeing pictures of male and female genitalia strewn on the path. At first, she threw the pictures away. But when she found another picture on Nov. 1, she called police.”

i’m honestly curious what the number of “pictures of male and female genitalia” is that leaps from “random stuff” to “call the cops.” is it two? or seven? we need this information!

“A fingerprint on the back of the photo was run through a law enforcement database and came back as a match to Wadley, police said. Then [a] different woman on another hiking trail saw a man drop his pants to his knees and walk past her, exposing his buttocks and genitals. The woman was shown a series of suspect photographs that included Wadley and picked him out of the group.”

just plain weird, in that we’re leaping from random naked photos (and which, i assume, didn’t always depict Wadley himself) to walking past ladies with one’s pants around one’s ankles. it seems like a weird leap, although i admit that the mentality of sexual deviants is not really my area of expertise… but also, doesn’t that seem like an inefficient way of flashing someone? the movies i have seen that cover this topic appear to have been all wrong!

“Four days later, nine women who were exercising early in the morning near the second hiking trail returned to their cars to find photos of a penis on their windshields. Police believe those photos depict Wadley, Martinez said. So far, detective have collected six or seven photos and have put the word out that they want to talk to anyone else who may have encountered Wadley. “This has been a long investigation,” he added.”

back to the pictures again! anyway, was i writing this article, i would have been compelled to tack on something like “wearily” or “sighing heavily at the thought of this ridiculousness.” i can hear the exasperation in his voice. actually, i sort of envision a scene where this Martinez looks like Tommy Lee Jones in No Country For Old Men, and he’s sitting at the kitchen table with his wife, just sighing at the thought of the modern world he wants no place in: “it starts when you begin to overlook bad manners. any time you quit hearin Sir and Mam the end is pretty much in sight. you finally get into the sort of breakdown in mercantile ethics that leaves naked photos of a dude’s wedding tackle settin around out near hiking trails and by then it’s just too late.”

“The ex-chief, who is a 30-year law enforcement veteran, was charged this week. He rose through the ranks at Huntington Park, working in every assignment except bike patrol and the canine unit before being named chief in 2007. He retired when his contract expired.”

the fatal flaw, it seems, was not forcing this guy to work bike patrol.

“One police officer who did not want to be identified said the charges are quite a shock. “I don’t believe there was any knowledge here of anything like this going on,” the officer said. “This was news to anyone here. It’s extremely bizarre, one of those things no one could have envisioned.””

maybe this guy is my new favorite officer. actually, maybe this whole department is just a bunch of awesome, blown-away police guys … except for the one who keeps leaving photos of his dick around for the ladies. that guy’s not awesome.

anyway, this Wadley character has turned himself in and pleads not guilty and we’ll see where this goes. and now on to the rant!

Julian Assange
there are worse photos of this guy out there, let me assure you

only Julian Assange gets to leak things

so a few months back in September or so, i made some fun of the fact that WikiLeaks, an organization that demands total free access to secret documents and records and the like, was making a big deal about the fact that their means and sources of funding needed to be kept … wait for it … SECRET because it is, and i quote Julian Assange here, “very hard work to run an organization, let alone one that’s constantly being spied upon and sued,” and making that funding information public would only make that harder.

now personally, i found this statement to be, oh, very hypocritical, which is generally the case with these dudes with messiah complexes who have a holier-than-thou attitude. sure, maybe some things have been exposed that should have been, maybe there’s an argument in favor of all this openness, i don’t know. what i DO know is that i really do think you have no right to complain about having your documentation leaked if what you do for a living (or mission or whatever) is to, you know, LEAK PEOPLE’S SECRET DOCUMENTS.

anyway, there’s more commentary in this vein to work with!

“[L]awyers for WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have loudly condemned the leaking of secret government documents pertaining to the rape charges against Assange. Swedish police files about the case against Assange were leaked to the Guardian, the same newspaper to which Assange recently leaked thousands of classified U.S. State Department cables.”

so we’re right back to the concept of a guy who gleefully leaks secret documents complaining about the leaking of secret documents. and to the same newspaper he leaked those secret documents! now, okay, look, there’s basically two quick arguments you can make here: let’s differentiate between things that affect people and things that affect GOVERNMENT, and hey, there’s a point where you have to keep SOMETHING secret, and maybe this is that line?

but the thing is, leaking those cables (and everything else) affects individuals as well, so we’re right back to deciding who’s evil enough to deserve getting their personal behavior aired out and who doesn’t. and i have no information on which to base the idea that Assange thinks there IS a line you don’t cross; maybe he believes there is one (say, documents relating to criminal charges affecting notable US politicians), but then he hasn’t made that clear. and somehow, i suspect he would simply justify leaking the documents.

“The lawyers for Assange, who describes himself as an activist for “radical transparency,” complain that the leaked police files unfairly damage Assange and make his legal defense more difficult. Assange’s representatives are especially angered by what they call the political motivations behind the leak — the same charge many critics have leveled against WikiLeaks.”

so again, he wants radical transparency … unless it affects him. and he thinks leaked confidential files unfairly damage people … unless they affect people who work for the US government (or, i guess, other governments as well). and such things shouldn’t be done for political reasons … unless, of course, you’re WikiLeaks, and then it’s cool. because this is the same guy who says stuff like: “we have changed governance, we have certainly changed many political figures within governments, we have caused new law reform efforts, we have caused police investigations into the abuses we expose, UN investigations, investigations here in the UK-“

i think you get my point. but actually, let me point out other shining example of this hypocrisy. in November, Assange made a point of declaring that “WikiLeaks has a four-year publishing history. During that time we have changed whole governments, but not a single person, as far as anyone is aware, has been harmed.” it was a response to, of course, being accused of endangering people or getting them killed as a result of his leaks. and it sounds nice: these governments kill and kill, but we don’t. except…

except that earlier, in August, Assange was talking about leaks regarding Kenyan that WikiLeaks had made, and he had this to say: “1,300 people were eventually killed, and 350,000 were displaced. That was a result of our leak.” so which is it: no one has ever been harmed, as far as you know, or you caused at least 1300 people to be killed? because while it’d be nice to have the fame of changing governments without having a drop of blood on your hands, well, you can’t really have it both ways.

“Bjorn Hurtig, Mr Assange’s Swedish lawyer, said he would lodge a formal complaint to the authorities and ask them to investigate how such sensitive police material leaked into the public domain. … [“I] do not know who has given these documents to the media, but the purpose can only be one thing – trying to make Julian look bad.””

because Assange has personally wanted those who leaked documents punished. because Assange doesn’t want anyone to look bad when documents get leaked. does this guy have balls or what? this guy carries his balls in a wheelbarrow! “excuse me, excuse me. man with big balls is here to testify.” i’ve never seen balls of this magnitude.

apologies to Bill Hicks, because now i’ve stolen his material and no one is going to get the joke (except for the Irishman). anyway, you guys that love Assange can go back to leaking the name of the women he may have raped and calling them whores. it’s so classy!

someone shooting at us? quick, shoot out our own windows!

with the holidays coming up, i was trying to think of some nice, holiday-themed updates that i could attempt to work out; unfortunately, since i don’t like the holidays and since i spend most of my time riffing on whatever random stuff i find on the internet, neither my sentiments or my available topics are really “holiday-themed.” i know i should try and be sympathetic… and then i remember how i don’t really care for the holidays!

anyway, this week, we’ll start things off with a sort of humorous story so that when i get to the more sad ones, you’ll still have some nice memories to think back on.

van on the losing end of a shoot-out
so at least we know, when confronted with an armed adversary, the KC police will at least damage said adversary’s vehicle

Kansas City cops in shootout with backfiring van

now, far be it from me to make light of someone else’s poor shooting, especially since i have personally begun arguing that it’s not so much shooting accurately that i enjoy as it is the “tactile sensation of shooting a firearm,” but this is a pretty ridiculous series of events involving the police shooting. and i have to be honest here: i have seen, in my time, some strong evidence that police are not the greatest shots in America. but i digress.

“Phillip Ransom thought he had trouble Thursday night when his old van broke down on the side of the road, booming out backfires. But that was when his troubles really began. Two Kansas City police officers, mistaking the van’s backfires for gunshots, began firing at it.”

and while you might think it’s ridiculous that they were confused by backfiring, consider this: these officers began shooting at this dude and/or his van apparently before they confirmed WHO they should be shooting at. clearly someone else could have been shooting in the vicinity of the van, right? well, there’s no time to worry about that! SOUNDS LIKE GUNFIRE ARE OCCURRING! SHOOT AT THE NEAREST DUDE IMMEDIATELY!

“It was a terrifying moment for the Kansas City man, who was unarmed and said he did not own a gun. “I’m just an ordinary guy,” he said. “I go to work every day.””

i have to admit that i don’t appreciate the snide tone here, KCMO. i’m also just an ordinary guy, and i also go to work every day (as proven by my obscene sick leave balance), and yet i also own many guns. is it relevant that he was unarmed? clearly. but overall gun ownership is beside the point; it’s not like this shooting would have become reasonable if he said “yeah, i have a shotgun in my closet at home,” because he didn’t have it in the van or use it to shoot at these cops. but i digress!

“Fortunately he was not hit. At least three bullets hit the van. Ransom said he did not know how many shots were fired. “I wasn’t counting,” he said. “But it sounded like a lot.””

even worse: when you consider that they had to be shooting at the van (since nothing else was making noise or shooting at them), and that the van is the size of, well, a van, then you come to the realization that two trained police officers opened fire on a van and missed the entire van enough to reduce us to the use of the phrase “at least three bullets.” even i can hit a van!

“A department spokesman confirmed that Ransom was unarmed and said the officers have been placed on administrative leave while the incident is investigated.”

and i sincerely hope somewhere a sergeant is angrily ranting at them and slapping them periodically. “you shot at WHAT?!” “you missed a VAN?!”

“Ransom learned later that a neighbor of his was the one who made the call after mistaking the sound of backfiring for gunfire. The neighbor Friday was apologetic-“

i understand the neighbor is apologizing out of politeness for kicking this whole thing in motion, but seriously, how could you blame the neighbor? the appropriate thing for the police to do would have been to show up, confirm that no one was shooting a gun, and then move on.

“But Thursday night, Ransom, concerned that the vehicle might catch fire, stepped out of the van about the time the two officers arrived to investigate and began firing. Ransom could only stand with his hands in the air and yell that he was not shooting. “I guess they couldn’t hear me,” Ransom said Friday.”

okay, i’m going to be honest here. if two police officers starting shooting crazily at me, i would consider there to be only two serious options: to shoot back, if you’re unaware of them being police officers (and i could see that being the case here), or to get down on the fucking ground until it ends. now, the first one is not an option where i live, but i can damn sure tell you that i wouldn’t stand there in the midst of a hail of (badly-aimed) gunfire.

“Besides the damage to Ransom’s van, windows of the patrol car were also shot out — apparently by the officers as they got out of the patrol car.”

jesus fucking christ.

their OWN windows? were these guys so excited to start a gunfight that they just started wildly shooting as they exited the car without even bothering to confirm what the fuck they were shooting at and why? no, wait, i think we confirmed that that was the case at the start of this article. i don’t really have the words to describe how insane this is.

“Police and media reports initially described the incident as the police car being hit by a bullet fired from a suspect in the van.”

well OF COURSE they did.

really, i know this is a special low for police marksmanship and that the average officer is many steps above these guys, but i am having such a hard time envisioning the mindset of officers so anxious to get to shooting that they make such a mistake and start shooting so quickly and wildly. maybe this would be a good time to make some statements about the militarization of the police making them increasingly likely to shoot things up at the drop of a dime? maybe not; i’m not some kind of social-statement-making dude.

teacup Yorkshire terrier
somewhere, there’s a thief looking at this image who can only think, “ooh, BIG MONEY”

burglar steals family’s dog, Christmas gifts

again, i don’t care for the holidays, but i at least understand how sad it must be for children when, with Christmas right around the corner, someone breaks in and steals their presents and- wait, what exactly did this burglar steal?

“A Mesquite family is off to a bad start to the holiday season after burglars stole its dog and all of its gifts over the weekend.”

stole its dog? well, okay, maybe we’re talking about some ridiculously rare and valuable dog. granted, i know dogs aren’t like art, but there has to be some kind of dog out there that’s worth a ridiculous amount of money, right?

“Thieves broke into the Rusaw family’s apartment at Tri Pointe Square and stole a teacup Yorkshire terrier named Candy, wrapped Christmas gifts, electronics and jewelry.”

okay… so it was just a normal dog that’s not special in any way. plus, it’s a small dog that’s probably making a ridiculous amount of noise, which HAS to be the most relaxing thing for a team of burglars to have with them in the middle of committing a crime. “you know what would make these felonies go even more smoothly? bring that tiny yapping dog along!”

“Most of the stolen gifts belonged to 13-year-old Cameron Rusaw. But Cameron, who was too upset to go to school Monday, said he misses his dog more than anything.”

wait a minute… what kind of 13-year-old boy owns a teacup Yorkshire terrier? named Candy? and now, i’m not setting this up for a Simpsons-referencing “i think we both know the answer to that: a lucky boy” remark, even though the teacup/tea set parallel would be wonderful, because clearly a boy whose questionable dog is stolen is not LUCKY. you can only really use that reference correctly when you’re just making fun of a boy who’s still got his dog.

“I’m not worried about any gifts,” he said. “I just want my dog back.”

i told you guys that Christmas is fucking depressing.

“Stacy Rusaw said she can’t take the fact that her dog is not home safe. “Without us, we know she’s scared,” she said. “She’s a sweet little dog, and even if you are enjoying her, bring her back to us where she belongs, because it’s not fair. She didn’t do nothing.” The family said the thieves also stole small electronics, DVDs and a coin collection Cameron inherited from his grandfather.”

wait a minute, Stacy, who’s dog is this? seriously, though, it sounds mostly like someone had it in for this kid Cameron, since it’s not like stealing someone’s dog and coin collection is anyone’s idea of the crime of the century.

“Mesquite police are investigating the robbery.”

i know this is a generic statement to close out an article, but it always makes me think, “well, i should certainly hope they are!”

now, let me see if i can find something even MORE depressing…

prepare to get seriously fucking depressed

heroic Afghan dog euthanized by mistake

this story’s not incredible new at this point, but i would be remiss if i didn’t go on about it, although it is a serious downer. so, where to start? well, it seems that at one base in Afghanistan, the soldiers there had been illicitly keeping three stray dogs around…

“One night last February a Taliban suicide bomber tried to infiltrate the army barracks where 50 soldiers were sleeping. But the bomber was taken completely by surprise when the three dogs attacked him, holding him back by biting his legs, finally forcing him to detonate the 24lbs of C4 explosives he had strapped to his body. The attacker never made it to the threshold.”

so first off, there’s some definitive proof that dogs are fucking awesome. swarming on and biting a suicide bomber until he just blows himself up? not only is that quality work, but consider what would have happened if you kept stray cats around: they’d just roll out and you’d be getting blown up in your bunks by an insurgent. but, of course, this probably didn’t end well for the dogs in question; an unselfish animal like a good dog unfortunately exposes itself to these kinds of results:

“Five soldiers were injured and two of the dogs were seriously wounded. Sasha, the third dog, sustained wounds that were too severe and she had to be put down. The soldiers nursed Rufus and Target back to health.”

dogs that are so awesome they can survive the point-blank explosion of C4. seriously, these are all-time great dogs; if i could vote for one of them for office, i would do it. and that’s not hyperbole for effect; i would definitely rather have one of these dogs as the governor of my state. anyhow, so these dogs were trapped in Afghanistan, but some soldiers raised a bunch of money to bring Target and Rufus back to the US. good for them; Sergeants Duke and Young received them, respectively.

now, beyond all that, apparently these dogs had led some colorful lives:

“The heroic Target, who got her name because, according to one soldier, local Afghans made sport of trying to “off her” (she was shot in the shoulder and even run over by a car)-“

so she was shot… and run over with a car… and then blown up with C4… and still looked as friendly as in the above photo? dogs are RIDICULOUS. but this is where it gets depressing.

“-[Target] was picked up last week by animal control and brought to the Pinal County Animal Care and Control Shelter in Arizona where she was euthanized by mistake.”

what the hell? granted, i know that this kind of thing can happen when a dog is mistaken as a stray (Target was apparently loose), and that you have to do it (to some extent) at shelters… but how fast are they euthanizing these dogs in Arizona? because it seems to me like the kind of dog whose owners would be looking for her directly. oh, wait, it seems they mistakenly euthanized Target instead of another dog. that’s really sad. can we make it worse?

“”My 4-year-old keeps saying: ‘Daddy, bring Target home. Daddy, get the poison out,'” Sergeant Young, a father of three, said in a telephone interview, his voice choking with emotion.””

jesus fucking christ. that’ll do it.

okay, that’s enough for the week. i’m going to go curl up in bed and be sad about poisoned dogs now.

this game is so terrible, i have to kill a cow up in here!

i think last week’s update didn’t have the right amount of raging disgust, despite the fact that it discussed people with a criminal amount of body fat (see what i did there) and/or ridiculous conspiracy theories (which i also love to rant about). maybe that whole horse kicking thing put a smile on my face? obviously i still take issue with the timing of such events, but there’s something about a horse looking outraged that i can’t help but picture and enjoy.

anyway, what i have done this week is to find some stories that will disgust me even MORE than those from last week, thus causing me to get angry enough to produce a couple of jokes. will we have success?

David LeBlanc
obviously there are not many deep thoughts contained in the mind of this fine example of what the scientific community calls “white trash”

man gets 5 years for killing calf with shovel after Cowboys beat Saints

so you may remember that, last week, i briefly mentioned and joked about a man who apparently celebrated his Texans winning by kicking some police horse; this was at best inexplicable, but i suppose that i should never think that some OTHER idiots can’t top that in regards to “animal-related events immediately following football games.” because lo and behold, i found this gem just a day or so after the horse-kicking one:

“A 22-year-old Gibson man who admitted to stealing a newborn calf and beating it to death with a shovel after his Saints party was ruined by the team’s loss to the Dallas Cowboys last winter received a 5-year prison sentence this morning.”

uh… what? now granted, i understand that this guy’s team at least lost… but how exactly does this relate to you needing to kill a cow? i am slightly reminded of Chris Rock’s “this movie is so good, i have to bust a cap in here” sentiment on the grounds that both seem to be the kind of reaction that does not follow from the preceding event. also, if the Saints losing ruined your party, shouldn’t you kill a saint instead of a cow? they’re the ones that let you down! or maybe kill a cowboy instead of a cow? i’m sure the cows don’t understand how they got confused with the dudes who are always branding the fuck out of them.

“[David] LeBlanc helped Dwayne J. Jenkins, 36, and Carnie B. Smith, 29, steal the 3-day-old calf on Dec. 19, 2009, from Folsom’s Red Bluff Farms, famous for a petting zoo frequented by schoolchildren. They dragged the animal to the parking lot of a nearby apartment complex on Louisiana 1078, where they had attended the Saints party.”

well, i suppose i shouldn’t be too surprised that a) this took place in Louisiana and b) this involved a man named “Carnie,” the latter of which indicates that out there somewhere is a mother who’s one part psychic and one part mean as hell. but this just gets better and better: they didn’t just steal and murder a baby cow, they stole it from a PETTING ZOO.

“mister, where is that cow you had last week?”
“well… i don’t know how to tell you kids this… but some Saints fans beat it to death.”
“because the Cowboys won a football game.”

actually, this DOES sound like a good way to introduce children to the Dallas Cowboys. “THIS TEAM MURDERED YOUR ADORABLE CALF INDIRECTLY!”

“There, LeBlanc pummeled the calf with the shovel until it died while Jenkins and Smith watched, according to authorities.”

the sad part is that i have a feeling some drunken asshole probably can’t beat a cow to death in a quick, surgical fashion.

“The judge ignored pleas from LeBlanc prior to the sentencing in which LeBlanc said he deserved either the same punishment if not a lighter one than his fellow defendants got because he was “the only one who came forth and told the truth” to investigators.”

alright, so first off, you’re the guy that beat this cow to death, and you think you deserve a lighter sentence because you told the fucking truth? actually, i do sort of see the argument … but then again, the article leads me to believe that all these guys confessed. so honestly, i don’t know what to think here.

“”The others lied the whole time,” added LeBlanc, who wore a black-hooded sweatshirt and dark-blue jeans to the hearing. “(Prison) would ruin my life completely. I have a kid on the way. I could not do that.””

oh, a kid on the way? jesus fucking christ. this just gets better and better! although it does give me another opportunity to pull out my most favorite quote from the late, great Bill Hicks:

“she doesn’t need children. okay, and that’s a judgment call, and i’m making it, but it also happens to be true, which gives it the force, that extra oomph. she needs no more children. okay? okay. can’t support them, can’t feed them, can’t raise them, don’t even love them! THUNK! bring them on, why don’t you just get the fucking COPS camera and shove it up your pussy and film the little criminal coming out? this is crime prevention! here comes another illiterate, unwanted child! cuff him! can you calm down on your rutting for just a couple of seconds until we figure out this FOOD, AIR deal?”

you have to replace the “shes” with “hes” to make it work better, but fuck it, you get the point.

“After Coady concluded the hearing, LeBlanc was handcuffed. He slumped into a bench and buried his face into his hands.”

look, i hate to say it, but in the scheme of things, the death of a baby cow is not the most tragic event; it’s not a person, or a dog, or even some cat that doesn’t suck at life like almost all cats do. that being said, how was this the appropriate way to get over the loss of a football game? i’m a Raiders fan, so i have seen a LOT of losing football games, and never once have i said “the only way for me to feel better about this is to murder one of those sheep at the nearby petting zoo.” the key is just to watch videos on the internet until you feel better.

and that was only after ONE loss to the Raiders this year. i love the internet. and speaking of football:

Albert Haynesworth
in fairness to Albert Haynesworth, i think even i would look disgruntled about whatever the hell kind of drill is going on here

Albert Haynesworth, only good at one thing: being terrible at life

you know, i haven’t really spent much time ranting about Albert Haynesworth, despite the fact that he as a person seems like a GREAT target for my unending bitterness, what with him being ridiculously well-paid and still bitching about having to show up and do his fucking job in order to collect those millions. it’s probably because, if nothing else, this topic has been beaten to death in the DC-area media, and since i know a lot of Redskins’ fans, i don’t want to belabor the point. he’s a fat sack of garbage, it is what it is.

actually, here’s the best way to put this: he’s so terrible as a person that even my grandmother, who is nice to EVERYONE and believes her reason for existence is to make everyone’s life a little easier (seriously), doesn’t like this guy. she was pissed when the Redskins signed him, and this is a woman who has managed to get excited for literally every other Redskins free agent signing except for Trung Canidate (which prompted the infamous “[janklow]… i don’t know about this signing”). i tried to think of scenarios that would make her like him again, now that he was a Redskin and all, but none seemed to work:

-what if the Redskins immediately went to the Super Bowl with him on their team, and he sacked the opposing team’s quarterback, caused a fumble, and then recovered the fumble and ran it in for the game-winning touchdown? “not worth the hassle.”
-what if he saved some babies from a burning ship? “he’d better stay away from babies!”
-what if he saved ME from a burning ship? “okay, i still wouldn’t like him, but that would be good.”

that was the ONLY scenario that seemed like it would thaw this impasse, and that’s saying something.

anyhow, so now this fat fuck has apparently spent the week claiming to be sick, barhopping that evening anyway, showing up late/hungover/whatever to practice the next day, and then getting suspended. FINALLY. hey, i understand the part about being reluctant to write off a guy who clearly has talent and is costing you a TON of money, but come on, listen to this:

“”Yesterday, when Albert was at Redskin Park, he told our General Manager Bruce Allen that he [Haynesworth] would no longer speak with me,” [coach Mike] Shanahan said. “Although suspending any player is not a decision that a head coach enters into lightly, I believe the situation has reached the point where the club clearly has no alternative.””

you’re making 30+ million dollars and you’re giving your coach the SILENT TREATMENT like a goddamn fourteen-year-old girl? what the fuck?

watch the Raiders sign this bastard next year.

George Lucas
oh, how can i stay mad at a face like that? …wait, i can because of what you did to Indiana Jones, you bastard!

whatever the hell you’re thinking about, George Lucas, stop it

honestly, that title could refer to anything and still have some legitimacy to it; after all these recent years of terrible Star Wars prequels and terrible Indiana Jones sequels and watching documentaries about him working on the Phantom Menace (so terrible), i’m honestly starting to forget what the hell George Lucas has contributed to this country anyway? i’m giving Spielberg all the credit for Raiders of the Lost Ark and moving on.

anyway, apparently in some random interview, it was mentioned that Lucas might still have some objectionable schemes up his sleeve, despite the repeated attempts from Trey Parker and Matt Stone to cool his hot heart with a cool island song (or warm his icy heart with a hot island song) and make him see the error of his film-“improving,” Harrison-Ford-raping ways. according to actor/director Mel Smith:

“‘The film was a disaster,’ says Smith. ‘George doesn’t understand comedy, so the movie flopped. At least it taught me how to use CGI. George is obsessed with it and used too much in the last two Star Wars films — which I thought were ghastly. He’s been buying up the film rights to dead movie stars in the hope of using computer trickery to put them all together in a movie, so you’d have Orson Welles and Barbara Stanwyck appear alongside today’s stars.’ Whether Lucas’ attempt to superimpose the golden-era stars on to today’s screens is doomed to failure or not, Smith will be too busy to be part of it.”

first off, good for Smith for having some taste. second, the worst thing about this conjecture is that it seems completely plausible; not just because it seems like something that might have been mentioned and could be technically achieved, but because who would assume ANY ridiculous, stupid idea wasn’t something Lucas would consider? did you guys not see all that bullshit with refrigerators and monkeys in Indiana Jones IV?

actually, the worst part of it is that it’s one of those ideas where you know, deep down, that it could be executed well by talented directors and writers who had serious respect for the people in question… and that it would only be used by hacks doing it for kicks. well, such is life. sadness accrues.

that’s enough distressing topics for the day. let’s just move on now.