janklow’s 2011 new’s year resolution: actually put some comedy on this website by 2012

so now that it’s 2011, a new year and all that, it’s traditionally the time of year when we all get ridiculously drunk and come up with these “New Year’s resolutions” so that we can make up for all the sad, sad decisions we’ve made in the past year and/our our lives. so while i was an a family event, trying furiously to avoid being attacked by a bird, my grandmother asked me what my New Year’s resolution was. now, generally, i don’t make them, because they’re either depressing or too easy (“i resolve to eat some cakes this year”), so i attempted to play it off, claiming that if you tell someone your New Year’s resolution, it won’t come true.

but in retrospect, maybe i should try to come up with one; self-improvement may be masturbation, but it certainly fills up the days. so what i think i’ll do is come up with a list… of no particular length… and let the masses decide what the best option would be? i’ll try to add some content to the list so that, you know, it’s worth reading. here we go!

janklow’s 13 possible New Year’s resolutions for the year 2011

crab pie
or, instead of expanding my list of delicious pies, i could expand my list of DISGUSTING pies!

13. acquire more firearms
sometimes you go with resolutions that are meant to change the way you live, to improve your life and all that garbage, and sometimes you go with resolutions that are basically taking what you already love to a greater level, like when you decree that you’ll stop playing guitar in your bedroom and actually get that band idea going. since my passion for purchasing firearms is already well-documented, i suppose this is one of the latter. so, i resolve to buy more guns this year?
chance of this happening: 100%. i mean, for crying out loud, i already worked out buying a firearm this month. this would be the easiest resolution ever! as thus i am leaning towards it… but i guess it probably shouldn’t count since i already did it, right?

12. grow a truly excellent beard
now, at several times in the past, i and others have made it our goal to grow awesome, epic, Civil-War-quality beards, whether to gross people out or for the raw pleasure of enjoying our lustrous new beards. but for some reason, we always got annoyed (or maybe just disgusted) and we never truly got to the highs of what our beards could be. but maybe this is the year i make it happen?
chance of this happening: 85%. this is actually a set-up to make myself depressed, because it’s the kind of resolution i KNOW i can accomplish… but yet probably won’t because i’ll get too frustrated with each beard mid-beard and keep shaving. and i don’t want to set myself up for that kind of sadness.

11. expand my repertoire of pies to a total of 13 pies
one of the “things i am known for,” aside from getting overly emotional on the internet, is the baking of massive quantities of pumpkin pies; November to January is basically “make so many fucking pies” time every year. this year, though, i’ve expanded to make some pies i don’t normally make: first cherry (delicious) and then crab (horrifying, but apparently tasty). so perhaps i should shoot for having a 13-pie-long list of pies that i can whip up by the end of the year?
chance of this happening: 75%. i’m already at 3, and we’re only a month into the year, and there are many types of pies i could easily learn to make simply because i find them tasty (i’m looking at you, lemon meringue). and yet, this seems like the kind of resolution that i would fail at after getting to 12 and then getting totally fucking lazy about the whole thing.

10. keep my plant alive for an entire year
so recently, my grandmother gave me this pretty sweet plant (a croton, to be specific) in order to class up my residence; it’s also currently home to an excellent spider who’s made the top of the pot into a complicated, bug-slaying web. however, what this plant doesn’t realize is that every plant i ever get ultimately dies a sad, sad death as i water it and fertilize it and fuss over it until, as far as i can tell, they die out of total disgust for me. so maybe this is the year when i go above and beyond and keep one alive?
chance of this happening: 50%. i feel pretty confident that i can keep it alive… but i don’t want to be so cocky as to think that i can just defy the cosmos and keep a plant alive. still, it could happen.

Alan Alda as
this… this is not the face on which to base dreams of a new year

09. get a sweet tattoo designed by yours truly
for years now i have been negotiating with people who SWEAR that they’ll get a tattoo that’s designed by me… and yet, year after year, these deceitful fiends keep stringing me along, never intending to do what they claim and get the tattoo(s). and you know it’d be an awesome one featuring robots doing something cool, right? so maybe this year i should just make it happen by designing the most awesome robot design ever and then tattooing it on myself?
chance of this happening: 45%. the advantage is that it’s not a very demanding task: instead of self-improvement for a year, you just get it done. but fundamentally, i’m a big girl who doesn’t want anyone looking at my exposed skin. nudity, to any extent, is gross!

08. learn to actually speak a foreign language
the advantage to making it a resolution to learn a foreign language is that it’s a useful skill, so beyond using it to watch movies and hit on foreign students in bars, you can ALSO claim it’s going to help your career or blah blah blah blah blah. and in my case, not only have i been dancing around it for some time (no time to decide on a language and stick with it), but according to this state, i actually CAN speak a second language (although, to be honest, that’s absolutely bullshit). so maybe this year i buckle down and turn Maryland’s dream into a reality?
chance of this happening: 40%. again, it’s the kind of solid goal that really DOES help you in life, even if only because you now will know exactly what the Greek guy behind the counter is calling you (and it’s not pleasant). that said, i am way too lazy to think this is going to happen.

07. finishing watching every episode of M*A*S*H
okay, bear with me as i explain this one. some years back, i learned that the illustrious Joe Pantoliano, like many other actors, guest-starred on an episode of M*A*S*H, and so i resolved to watch the series until i caught the episode. now, it took watching 216 of 251 episodes to make it happen, so i’m pretty close to having watched the entire series. there is NOTHING constructive about this, but i’m all about OCD-style completion of series-watching… so maybe i should put in some work and be able to say i’ve watching every episode of M*A*S*H?
chance of this happening: 25%. the 25% is to reflect the fact that it’s possible for me to DVR M*A*S*H episodes and try and catch the ones i missed. but i’m not going to pay money for the DVDs, i’m not going to let myself get frustrated by a network’s refusal to run that one certain episode… and to be honest, i’ve had enough of fucking Hawkeye to last me a lifetime already.

06. actually read Finnegan’s Wake
i once had a salty professor of Irish descent who told me probably the truest theory that any man has ever espoused: that anyone who tells you that they have read Finnegan’s Wake is lying. note that while it may have been implied that he read Finnegan’s Wake, he didn’t actually claim to have. anyway, it’s typically something that dudes that want to appear smart and well-read and all that claim to have done, but since i am not a moron and do generally like to read, maybe i should sit down with a copy of it and conquer said book?
chance of this happening: 20%. i think it’s doable, i really do, but i also think my ardor for passion has really cooled off in the years between now and my college days, and while Dubliners is great, i don’t think THAT highly of Joyce. plus, i’d be reading it for no reason, since everyone i tell that i’ve read it should assume that i’m a liar, right?

deer fighting
your pointed heads and threatening looks don’t scare me, deer; this is the year it finally goes down

05. learn the illustrious trade of gunsmithing
this was inspired by a statement from Zippy about how i might one day find myself able to say i was a gunsmith (as opposed to a dude who’s switching out easily replaceable parts); it’s certainly something that dovetails with my interests AND vaguely involves the “legitimate self-improvement” factor, and would provide for a post-retirement career if i can master it well enough to be fixing up hunting rifles or Desert Eagles or whatever in a shed behind my house… so why not officially suck it up and learn the trade?
chance of this happening: 15%. there’s paperwork, there’s ATF licensing (to do it for profit, anyway), there’s paying attention to classes… i mean, there’s a narrow chance that my love for guns would win out, but come on, that’s all time i could be SLEEPING.

04. sit down and finally finish writing a novel
or a book of short stories or whatever. and technically, it doesn’t have to be GOOD, it just has to be FINISHED to qualify for meeting this resolution, right? and it would certainly put a smile on my grandmother’s face for me to write “the Great American Novel” or “whatever book i have in me” before she dies, so there’s that as well. last year we had that whole “write a novel in November” weirdness, which i don’t claim to understand, but which reminds me that such a thing could be a New Year’s resolution. so how about it for 2011?
chance of this happening: 5%. i’m going to say there’s probably a solid reason or two why i have not managed to crank out anything approaching a book in the decade since i graduated from college after studying a massive amount of English and writing. ugh, and now i feel old to boot.

03. fight a deer
i don’t like deer, and deer don’t like me, and we’ve been dancing around this conflict for years. i have chased them through the woods, i have screamed profanity at them, i have stood out in fields and demanded they “come back here and fight me like a man” … and while there was one incident where i thought a deer might step up to the plate (it didn’t), to date there has yet to be a real, knock-down drag-out rumble between yours truly and a deer. is this the year when that finally changes?
chance of this happening: 1%. despite years and years of disrespect and conflict, there hasn’t been a fight, and that’s a long track record to dismiss. plus, since other dudes keep shooting them during the fall, they’re probably just going to assume i’ll shoot them if they try to fight me.

02. get married and have some babies
my mother would probably get mad at me if i didn’t add this onto my list as a resolution, no matter how unlikely it is. it’s one of those things a parent (or parents) would like to see their children do once they start getting older (and they’re old). and making such a goal your resolution for the year is definitely the kind of plot a romantic comedy has, and we all know what a devoted fan i am of romantic comedies.
chance of this happening: 0.5%. and see, the really funny part of the joke is that i’ve placed it here on the list where i can add that it’s more likely i’ll manage to get into a fight with a deer and win!

janklow hard at work
can you guys not tell that i’m very busy over here?

01. post updates to house of hate in a timely fashion
well, you see, this would… oh, i get it, internet, ha ha ha. very funny. I’LL POST THEM WHEN I GODDAMN WELL FEEL LIKE IT.
chance of this happening: 0%. let’s be realistic about it.

Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *