federal regulatory agencies: solving all of America’s problems since … uh … 1863?

oh, it’s another week here at the house of hate, with more hilarious relatings of random crimes, more sarcastic renditions of American crime worries, and maybe talk of new firearm purchases. we don’t like to break new ground here, or for that matter, make any clever new jokes about old ground; we just do what we do and hope our three readers think it all works out. so let’s get right to it.

Stephanie Six
obviously, this is the kind of woman you’d want to trust around your horse

Florida woman accused of slapping a police horse

we’ve once before discussed event wherein someone flipped out and took out their misplaced aggression on a horse, the most terrible of nature’s creatures, so why not go right back to that same well and dig up another person who’s gotten way out of control in the face of a horse?

“After spending nearly 12 hours behind bars, accused of slapping a police horse, a Florida woman was happy to be home Monday, but said she still doesn’t understand why she was arrested.”

granted, i know that’s her way of saying, “i didn’t do what they’re accusing me of and i should never have been arrested,” but i would think when someone accuses you of slapping a police horse, you should be able to understand why you’ve been arrested. oh, i’m so witty!

“”The horse had me pinned up against the wall,” Stephanie Six told CNN. “It scared me, so I put my hand up into his face as a reaction.””

…and now we apparently move right to a position of “well, i had to slap the horse because it was assaulting me.” which, to be honest, i would understand, as it’s in line with my long-standing position of “horses are total jerks.” but that said, it’s hard to understand why you’d be in close contact with a police horse… and then put your hand into its face to make it back off… and then be confused as to why the police officer riding it is arresting you for slapping it. speaking of which: why not speak to the OFFICER and ask him to move? ma’am, you slapped this horse.

“Six, 29, was arrested early Saturday morning outside a bar in downtown St. Petersburg. She said she was with a group of friends, waiting for others, when police approached them “aggressively,” and told them to leave.”

outside of a bar downtown early Saturday morning? ma’am, the horse didn’t have you pinned to a wall, the OFFICER riding it did. and it was probably necessary, not “aggressive.” ma’am, you slapped this horse!

“”They’re saying I slapped this horse when that’s not the case,” said Six. “It’s embarrasing!””

i shouldn’t really make this joke because i do this kind of thing all the time, but what the hell: not as embarrassing as it is for CNN to put this spelling mistake on their website! ahahahahaha! seriously, though, ma’am, they’re saying you slapped this horse because YOU SLAPPED THIS HORSE.

“Police were using mounted patrols to try to control crowds outside the bar when, they say, Six hit the horse, according to local news reports. Six, who says she was never read her rights, was charged with battery on a police horse and released with time served. “I’ve never been arrested before, now I have a record,” said Six, who was also not happy about being branded as an animal abuser.”

okay, so there are crowds outside this bar that need to be controlled by mounted officers. and frankly, given the kind of outside-the-bar(s) hijinks that go on that i watch police NOT need to control, i assume that they wouldn’t be there on horses if they didn’t need to be. anyway, so they’re controlling a drunken crowd… and this woman is part of that crowd… and yet she thinks she didn’t slap this horse or have her rights read? ma’am, you slapped this horse! and you didn’t hear your rights being read because you were drunk and being cuffed against, well, a horse and busy ranting at the officers for violating your rights. after you slapped their horse!

“CNN contacted St. Petersburg police and the state attorneys office, but officials were unavailable for comment because of the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday.”

well, that is weird, as i have never heard of a police department (which i generally assume operate 24/7 in some capacity) that couldn’t comment because of MLK’s birthday. but you know what they’d probably have said if they WERE open? “ma’am, you slapped our horse.”

Neil Brown
obviously, this is the kind of guy you’d want to turn to for sound advice on drug usage and/or the remainder of life’s problems

officials: “bath salts” are growing drug problem

well, if there’s two things i do know about this country (aside from lists of state capitals and the location of various national landmarks, of course), it’s that a) Americans love to put almost anything into their bodies in the name of getting high, and b) Americans love to freak out over supposed “drug fads” that are sweeping the nation. this is how we got an Anarchist-Cookbook-fueled situation where a) people tried to get high using banana peels and b) other people ACTUALLY BELIEVED this was possible. this week, we apparently have some new drug fad sweeping the nation:

“When Neil Brown got high on dangerous chemicals sold as bath salts, he took his skinning knife and slit his face and stomach repeatedly. Brown survived, but authorities say others haven’t been so lucky after snorting, injecting or smoking powders with such innocuous-sounding names as Ivory Wave, Red Dove and Vanilla Sky.”

and it even has a PCP-style colorful, violent freak-out! ridiculous! so at this point, i really don’t know what to believe: i find it hard to imagine legions getting high by snorting bath salts AND then chopping themselves up with knives … and yet i know Americans are definitely stupid enough to do such a thing. so we’re going to have to read on, obviously.

“Some say the effects of the powders are as powerful as abusing methamphetamine. Increasingly, law enforcement agents and poison control centers say the advertised bath salts with complex chemical names are an emerging menace in several U.S. states where authorities talk of banning their sale.”

comparison to the redneck crack that’s a legitimate, confirmed drug wave? check. talk by authorities of banning this “emerging menace” (possibly because they’re “thinking of the children,” although this is not stated)? check. unfortunately, while this is all very serious, and might even one day lead to someone getting killed in a military-style drug raid in Prince George’s County over it, it’s still not anything that’s going to confirm this for me.

“From the Deep South to California, emergency calls are being reported over-exposure to the stimulants the powders often contain: mephedrone and methylenedioxypyrovalerone, also known as MDPV. … The chemicals are in products sold legally at convenience stores and on the Internet as bath salts and even plant foods. However, they aren’t necessarily being used for the purposes on the label.”

okay, that’s better, if only because i have neither the patience nor the chemistry degree to look at those massive string-of-letters names up there and try to deduce whether or not mephedrone is something you can (and would) stuff into your body to get high. plus, it’s completely true that Americans will absolutely ingest anything that MIGHT get them high, even if the “used for the purposes on the label” thing sounds overblown. also, i lied earlier, because i at least looked up mephedrone and found out that it’s a stimulant. so there’s that as well.

“Mississippi lawmakers this week began considering a proposal to ban the sale of the powders, and a similar step is being sought in Kentucky. In Louisiana, the bath salts were outlawed by an emergency order after the state’s poison center received more than 125 calls in the last three months of 2010 involving exposure to the chemicals.”

and you know, while i am sympathetic to the notion that the thought of people dying after consuming these salts is a legitimate public health concern, i’m not sure how effective banning drugs has proven to be. someone out to ban cocaine and see if that’s effective.

“In Brown’s case, he said he had tried every drug from heroin to crack and was so shaken by terrifying hallucinations that he wrote one Mississippi paper urging people to stay away from the advertised bath salts. “I couldn’t tell you why I did it,” Brown said, pointing to his scars. “The psychological effects are still there.””

well, okay, here’s two things:
01. i can tell you why you did it, Brown: because you’re the kind of guy that’s tried every drug from heroin to crack. there’s maybe better drugs to represent running the gamut of all drugs ever (i’d use “from ketamine to peyote” if it was my article), but i still think his motivation is clear.
02. also, here’s another reason to heed Brown’s recommendation to stay away from bath salts: because the kind of person who snorts bath salts is the kind of guy that’s tried every drug from heroin to crack. funny how much sense that makes!

“”It causes intense cravings for it. They’ll binge on it three or four days before they show up in an ER. Even though it’s a horrible trip, they want to do it again and again,” Ryan said.”

what i love about this notion is that it’s SO TRUE. people are taking the bath salts (presumably), having a HORRIBLE time doing so… and then feeling compelled to do so again. but the thing is, i don’t believe the drug forces them to do so through intense cravings; i think they’re just stupid and think it’ll be awesome the NEXT time they do some bath salts.

“Dr. Rick Gellar, medical director for the California Poison Control System, said the first call about the substances came in Oct. 5, and a handful of calls have followed since. But he warned: “The only way this won’t become a problem in California is if federal regulatory agencies get ahead of the curve. This is a brand new thing.””

finally, though, we come back to one of my areas of concern, because we have been hearing these kinds of freak-outs for years. yeah, kids do drugs. yeah, kids will do ridiculous, crazy bullshit in the name of getting high. but kids will also huff fucking spray paint, so i’m not sure this is the kind of thing we can prevent if only federal regulatory agencies will get involved. oh, why won’t they just get involved! someone think of the children!

“Dr. Richard Sanders, a general practitioner working in Covington, La., said his son, Dickie, snorted some of the chemicals and endured three days of intermittent delirium. Dickie Sanders missed major arteries when he cut his throat. As he continued to have visions, his physician father tried to calm him. But the elder Sanders said that as he slept, his son went into another room and shot himself.”

this is going to sound cold, but all i could think of was “even his physician father couldn’t point out the idiocy of trying to get high by ingesting bath salts to him.” but surely federal regulatory agencies can succeed where fathers and physicians have failed!

“A small packet of the chemicals typically costs as little as $20.”

they better if we’re talking about goddamn bath salts that aren’t even illegal!

“In northern Mississippi’s Itawamba County, Sheriff Chris Dickinson said his office has handled about 30 encounters with users of the advertised bath salts in the past two months alone. He said the problem grew last year in his rural area after a Mississippi law began restricting the sale of pseudoephedrine, a key ingredient in making methamphetamine.”

follow along with me, if you would, Mississippians: guys in your state were getting high-as-hell on methamphetamine, so you made it more difficult for them to make meth. mysteriously, this was followed by them simply trying to get high on something else that they could get their hands on. huh. let’s talk about how legal restrictions on pseudoephedrine have been a boon to meth-making Mexican drug cartels another time.

“Dickinson said most of the bath salt users there have been meth addicts and can be dangerous when using them. “We had a deputy injured a week ago. They were fighting with a guy who thought they were two devils. That’s what makes this drug so dangerous,” he said.”

i love crazy-ass hallucination stories, but i’m going to be honest here: i would consider it at least somewhat dangerous to be apprehending a bunch of redneck meth addicts who could at the very least be filled with meth at the time. and i’m pretty sure some yokel dumbass filled with a powerful stimulant could put up a good fight, even if it’s not- wait, the bath salts are also a stimulant. so this is sounding a little familiar.

“Kentucky state lawmaker John Tilley said he’s moving to block the drug’s sale there, preparing a bill for consideration when his legislature convenes shortly. Angry that the powders can be bought legally, he said: “If my 12-year-old can go in a store and buy it, that concerns me.””

“Tilley did not comment on his plans to ban glue and aerosols, both of which is 12-year-old can go into a store and buy.”

but enough ranting; let’s get on to the good times.

guns arriving at- err, near my house in a box!

Walther P1

it’s a C&R Walther P1, which is like a P38, but with more aluminum, unless it’s true that later P38s are filled with aluminum, in which case it’s like a P38, but for the military instead of the cops. and it comes with a somewhat-related saga!

so here’s the saga part of this purchase: UPS tries to deliver this gun crazy-early in the day, foiling my plans to be there and sign for it. i then try to get them to hold it for me to pick up, and that gets worked out: so far, so good.

but it turns out that when you go to their depot, everything looks locked up and dark, and there’s a sign saying “customer pick-up across street.” fair enough; i cross the street to THAT depot, and i wait in a line for 30-40 minutes while a lady sorts out who’s a DC address and who’s an MD address. when asked if she could look up anything specific by another customer, she answers that she’s “just trying to help.” it turns out, though, that this help was limited to NOT telling people like me, of whom it turned out there were many, that certain zip codes had to go BACK across the street, as the small, printed-out sign saying this was behind a long line of people waiting for packages.

so i go back across the street, which is locked up and dark, and it turns out that pick-up is located outside the building, around the side, in the wind and cold, by a razor-wire fence. which is awesome. and which takes ANOTHER 30 minutes to work out. the moral of the story, though, is that if i’m picking up a new gun, it makes up for all that bullshit. hooray!

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