“they’ll love you one second, and hate you the next, oh, ain’t it crazy?”

so today i got a review of some past updates that went along the lines of “solid updates, outside of the string of hip-hop related ones.” so of course, the first thing i thought was, “time for another hip-hop themed update!” actually, in fairness, i tried to feel out some of the people who might – and i emphasize MIGHT – actually read the site to see if they thought this update would be a good idea. to a man (or woman), they did not. so i spent some time kicking some additional ideas around, but ultimately my inertia won out. so here we go.

recently i saw a ridiculous video i had not seen for some time, and had many reactions to it: some that exist whether or not you’re hearing this song at all, and some of which are strictly video-related. so without further ado:

janklow’s list of 13 observations based on Ghostface Killah’s “Cherchez La Ghost” video

i suppose i should embed said video here so that everyone can truly appreciate these observations.

13. no one can get the name of this song correct
i have always understood it to be “Cherchez La Ghost,” as it’s supposed to be (for whatever reason) a play on the song title “Cherchez La Femme.” however, everyone in creation, as you can see from the title of the above video, seems to call it “Cher Chez La Ghost,” which doesn’t make much sense … especially when i would think true Ghostface fans would have bought Supreme Clientele. and Wikipedia doesn’t help matters by calling it “Cherchez LaGhost” … which is doubly weird when you consider that the Wiki article mentions the damn “Cherchez La Femme” thing.

12. the ridiculous singing really makes this song
so here’s the thing: i’m not a huge fan of the “rappers plus some R&B singer” mash-up. either the song they produce is some nonsense for the ladies, or it’s just a goddamn mess. now, Ghostface DID pull it off quite well with “All That I Got Is You” (a serious classic), but that whole “Ghostdini: the Wizard Of Poetry In Emerald City” album, despite being an interesting idea and having the BEST title, was not something i want to listen to again. except maybe for that “Guest House” song with Fabolous, which i don’t think actually had any R&B singing … which is weird for that album.

this crazy-ass singing, however, is totally different by virtue of being insane (see also the insufferable singing on “the Watch,” which i would ABHOR were i not blown away by its insanity), and kicks into an even more ridiculous zone with the “tell ’em, girl/Ghostface, Ghostface” chant-type part later in the song. which is why it works.

Ghostface awakens, rested
attractive? perhaps. restful? doubtful

11. i remain impressed that Ghostface can get any rest with a bed filled with so many women
sure, he’s undoubtedly exhausted from having sexually pleasured them all (even if they can’t freak him because he’s just too nasty), but it can’t be comfortable to try and sleep in a bed littered with randomly-arranged “model dimes.” granted, this is not a problem i find myself commonly confronting, so maybe there’s some trick to it that i’m not aware of?

10. why the fuck is U-God at this party?
seriously. it’s U-God. he’s terrible. okay, he’s not Cappadonna terrible and i guess he’s one of Ghost’s boys from Staten Island, and to be perfectly rude about it, if there was ONE guy from Wu-Tang (and we’re not including Cappadonna) who might need a little help getting some ladies, and Ghostface was going to do him a solid and invite him to his party filled with (attractive) freaks, it might just be U-God. so to be honest, this does make some sense. however…

09. why the fuck is U-God featured on this song?
because he is TERRIBLE. U-God’s weird in that while most everyone in Wu-Tang either a) is universally loved (Ghostface, Raekwon, Method Man for the most part, Inspectah Deck, maybe GZA) or b) has a sincere fan base and critics that will not push the issue (RZA, ODB, Masta Killa, maybe GZA) … U-God is c) the subject of incredibly divisive debate. people either despise him or love him, and you can put me in the former category. and to be honest, i would be fine with a U-God verse (ugh) if he wasn’t the ONLY feature on the song. Ghostface featuring Raekwon and U-God? it happens (and it might even be called “Rec-Room Therapy” and be decent). Ghostface featuring U-God? mistakes have been made.

08. walking around with a championship belt is an excellent idea
Ghostface rocks some extreme fashion choices that i don’t fully understand, so i am not exactly sure where this belt came from (i heard it might be a WCW belt) or what it represents, beyond his excellence (he IS referred to as “the undefeated champion” in this song, but it’s not clear what organization awarded him the belt). this song DOES predate the (superior) song “the Champ” by a few years. however, i have to think that if you ARE going to rock an ostentatious accessory to impress a room/hallway/whatever full of ladies, a championship belt is a solid choice. it’s certainly better than a douchebag fedora.

Ghostface not impressed

07. the above disgusted gesture shown at 0:58 is my favorite “get the fuck out of here” type of gesture ever seen in a music video
…actually, i think that covered it. let’s just continue.

06. jerseys can prove to be poor fashion choices
and this is not, to be honest, a criticism of the phase in hip-hop fashion where everyone was rocking jerseys and throwbacks and everything else. i actually don’t think it’s that bad of a casual look. but what i DO wonder is if this guy in the Watters jersey (who pops in around 1:07 or so and appears to be fleeing down the hallway from the raw awesomeness of Ghostface) is maybe now thinking, “hey, maybe i should have chosen a better player’s jersey for my appearance in that classic video?” the answer is yes.

personally, if asked to appear in a video by Ghostface and told, “rock a jersey,” i would rock the Bo Jackson throwback and feel confident that this would stand the test of time. kids would see my appearance and ask their fathers, “dad, who was this Jackson guy? number 32?” and their fathers would get a little misty. “he was too great for our sports, son … he was too great.” and thus the cycle of old people reminiscing over sports and young people being absolutely disgusted with their weird parents would continue for another generation.

05. a short list of things i particularly object to about U-God’s verse/performance includes:
-any time U-God references anything to do with his dick;
-his fucking “walk like an Egyptian” dance;
-referring to woman’s asses as “slim doo-doo makers.”

let’s focus on that last one for a second. i know guys that use similarly vulgar terms to refer to lady’s asses, and it doesn’t make sense to me. so you’re trying to tell me a woman has a phenomenal ass… and you call it a “turd-cutter?” this is absolutely appalling. even worse is the fact that U-God seems to be celebrating non-excessive asses (as there is a difference between a “thick ass” and an overweight woman’s ass) … and yet i can’t acknowledge it because the bastard is using the goddamn “slim doo-doo makers” phrase. TERRIBLE.

Redman ... and inflatable shark?
Redman does happen to top my list of “rappers i would not leave alone with the pool toys”

04. teasing me with cameo appearances by solid rappers is WRONG
granted, one of the ways these videos work is that the crew shows up for some shots and fucks around. that’s not actually my problem. my REAL problem is that it’s downright cruel for me to see Raekwon and Method Man and Redman (and everyone else, those are the examples) hanging out and not rapping on the song … while, meanwhile, U-God is dancing like a moron and talking about those slim doo-doo makers. and i’ll be honest: if Redman said it, i would laugh at it. he’s ridiculous.

03. Ghostface is allowed to do things i despise without complaint
like you didn’t already know this. but, okay, here’s an example: at about 2:05, Ghostface is seen wearing sunglasses inside. now, this is a classic douchebag manuever and it really does annoy me; it’s right up there with the glittery, tight Affliction t-shirts of the world and if a friend of mine was doing it, i would insult him. to his face. in front of his wife, child, and sick grandmother, and i would use profanity. but even though Ghostface is indoors… and in what is clearly a dimly-lit room… and not known to have any medical condition that would necessitate the use of those glasses… i don’t even care.

02. “always will be my friend: Ghostface Killah”: line of the song
absolutely. there’s a million legitimately praiseworthy things you could say about Ghostface (he raps well, he’s a ghost and can’t be broke, and so on) and there’s a million bold statements you could make that may or may not be true (he’s the greatest rapper ever, he uses iced-out Trojans, and so on) … but this statement combines simplicity with something that is legitimate praise. it also highlights for me the fact that despite him having released albums for me for about 18 years now … he still does it and the albums are still good.

Ghostface, excellent as always

01. this green robe is entirely too excellent
i am seriously willing to believe that it was made from suede and knitted by virgins. i just i knew where you could buy such wonderful things.

so, uh, sorry, guys. i’ll try to make it up to you with a) a non-hip-hop update next week and b) this unrelated video of Ghostface on the Jimmy Kimmel show telling “Ghost Stories.” this one involves a show in Vermont, Mini-KISS, and the shenanigans of Cappadonna. seriously.

’cause sometimes you feel tired, you feel weak … or you feel like getting a watchgator

i think i have, in the past, complained about trying to do these little intro paragraphs, especially when the topic of the update is a) yet another pair or trio of news articles that i am making fun of that b) aren’t really brought together by any strong theme. sometimes i can go with “more stuff about bears” or “the excellence of bears” or “bears: doin’ thangs” and have it work … but today i cannot, and so there’s a little bit of rambling going on here. okay, on with the articles:

apparently attractive shoes
ah, well, when i see the feet in the shoes, i see how damned important it was to scam money from the British government to have those feet chopped up for fashion purposes

teen lied to qualify for £5,000 foot operation on NHS just to squeeze into Jimmy Choos

this concept (“girl lies to get medical procedure in order to wear designer shoes”) is absolutely a story that, if i didn’t know specific information like “£5000” and “National Health Service,” i would assume feature some goddamn brain-dead American girl who just HAD to be wearing the latest fashion, whatever the latest fashion is. (is it Jimmy Choos? i have no idea) but it turns out that women who are terrible, terrible people are the same all across the world, at least fundamentally. if they’re from a poorer country, they might not be able to scam the government out of fashion-oriented surgery. prepare to get annoyed further!

“A teenager lied to doctors to qualify for a £5,000 operation on the NHS so she could squeeze her feet into designer shoes, she admitted yesterday.”

i don’t want to be redundant with my outrage, so i’ll just say that sometimes, late in the evenings, i feel completely disgusted with the human race. usually when this happens, i’ve read about a story like this during the day.

“Hannah Bailey was referred for foot re-shaping surgery at 19 after telling her GP she was in excruciating pain. In reality, she was simply frustrated that her ‘wide and ugly’ feet prevented her from wearing the latest fashions.”

let’s just get this out of the way: this is absolutely perfect fodder for conservatives that do not like anything approaching socialized medicine. i don’t know how you get around it, since “excruciating pain” can be so subjective, and i personally have witnessed rich old white women citing “excruciating pain” in order to take advantage of our non-socialized medical system, so it’s not like this is only a problem for socialized medicine. still… there has to be SOME way to detect this kind of nonsense, right? right?

“Surgeons broke her foot in four places, cut her tendons and ligaments and stapled two-inch screws to her bones – all so she could be comfortable in designer heels. Miss Bailey, now 23, said: ‘I knew the only way to get something done was to say my feet were really bad. I had to exaggerate the pain I was in.'”

wait… “exaggerate the pain she was in?” there was no exaggeration: her feet were fine! so i like how even in a news article wherein she essentially gloats over scamming a public health system out of money SOLELY for the purpose of her wearing fashionable shoes (which she’s surely spending all HER money on), she STILL can’t be honest about the circumstances of this surgery. for the record, the correct phrase would be “i had to lie about being in pain.”

“Since the taxpayer-funded surgery, she has spent around £9,000 on designer shoes, including her favourite Jimmy Choo heels.”

so at this point i’m not understanding why she couldn’t just get the surgery if she had £9000 to burn on nonsense. no… wait… it’s probably because she couldn’t lie and scam the taxpayers out of shoe money. URGE TO KILL RISING

“Miss Bailey said she had been unhappy with the ‘disgusting’ shape of her feet since she was 13, and had been to see her doctor about it more than 20 times. She said: ‘Because my feet were so wide, wearing heels gave me excruciating pain. When I wore trainers it was fine, but as soon as I put any pressure on the balls of my feet, the pain was too much.'”

so, a couple of things:

01. not to be flip, ladies, but isn’t the whole deal with heels that they’re slightly uncomfortable, but that you wear them because they look so good with formal apparel? and that, when you’re NOT dressed to the nines, you DON’T wear heels? not trying to be sexist here, just trying to understand.

02. i have absolutely GOT to find out what these 20+ visits were like. “doctor, i’m having pain in my feet. well, not right now, since i am wearing normal shoes.” the doctor has to be holding his head saying “for god’s sakes, stop wearing fucking heels!” … and she’s probably staring blankly back at him. “i don’t understand, doctor. my feet still occasionally hurt when i wear uncomfortable shoes!”

“She discovered foot re-shaping surgery was available on the NHS for patients in serious pain. She went to see her GP and was asked to rate the amount of pain she was suffering on a scale of one to ten. ‘I wasn’t in any pain because I was wearing trainers but I said a seven or eight,’ she said.”

right, see, again, this is not an exaggeration. saying 7 or 8 when you’re feeling 1 or 2 is an exaggeration. saying 7 or 8 when you feel NO pain (or, to put it another way, o) is called “an outright lie.”

“Miss Bailey, who works in marketing-“

of course she does.

“-said her foot was unbearably painful after the surgery and remained swollen for two years, but added that she wanted to have a similar operation on her left foot in the next few years. She said: ‘I don’t feel guilty about getting my feet done on the NHS-“

again, to translate: “i don’t feel guilty about lying to steal taxpayer money to spend on a cosmetic procedure that i could have paid for myself.”

“-My foot still hurts every now and then, I get shooting pains and sometimes swelling, but it’s been worth it. Now, I’m happy with my feet and I only wear designer shoes.'”

which also means that this ultimate irony has happened: her feet never hurt in normal shoes, and so she had a medical procedure that makes her foot hurt ALL the time. plus, if she can wear the designer shoes right now with some discomfort … what’s the point of having the second procedure? fuck it, i know, the real question is “what’s the point of having any procedure done?” actually, it’s probably sometime more like “why couldn’t this girl’s parents have used the NHS to have her aborted?”

although i WOULD like to point out that the Daily Mail labeled her photo as “liar,” so that made me laugh.

watchgator?
one thing i love about alligators: they always have this awesome, turbo-satisfied expression on their faces

“watchgator” seized protecting pot plants

so some time back, there was a story about the ultimate marijuana farm security system being bears, and given that it was a news story featuring “some ridiculous circumstance that we could make jokes about” and “bears,” you know i had to cover it in an update. assuming anyone other than myself read it and gave a damn, it was a smashing success. anyway, you should probably have figured it would only be a matter of time before someone tried to top those bears:

“Department of Justice agents raided an East Hemet house Monday night and seized almost 2,300 marijuana plants valued at least $1.5 million — and a four-foot alligator being used to help guard the stash.”

ah, yes, an alligator. actually, though… i don’t know that i would find an alligator more fearsome than a bear: bears are huge and seem like they want conflict sometimes, whereas i once watched video of hippos eating debris off crocodiles without reaction, which has kind of made me assume that crocodilians of all sorts cannot be relied upon to violently defend someone’s narcotics stash. but, on the flip side, there’s the hilarious image of some guy actively trying to one-up those bear-packing dealers with his OWN animal.

“Agents with Arcnet, the Allied Riverside Cities Narcotics Enforcement Team, raided the house and found what they described as a “watchgator” named Wally in a back room, where it was living in a black cement-mixing tub full of water. One man was arrested, and the gator was taken to a sanctuary in San Bernardino County’s High Desert.”

alright… how did they figure out that the alligator was named Wally? they asked the guy while they were arresting him? they found a massive dog bowl with the name “WALLY” emblazoned on it? and does it really mean anything to name a gator anyway? i’m not sure they’re the kind of animal that can truly appreciate the fact that some dumbass guy has given them a ridiculously inappropriate name. an alligator should really have a cooler name than “Wally.”

“The suburban house on Sunset Lane, in an unincorporated area outside Hemet, was a front for an unlicensed, home-operated medicinal marijuana dispensary, ARCNET Commander Brian Link said. The task force, made up of DOJ agents and local authorities, seized 2,285 marijuana plants of various sizes, processed marijuana and hashish, Link said.”

now i’m fine with medical marijuana and generally support the decriminalization of all sorts of drugs… but isn’t an “unlicensed, home-operated medicinal marijuana dispensary” just a some drug dealers selling marijuana? is there a legitimate distinction that i am missing?

“The gator was being kept as a pet, but also was used in the growing area to protect the pot, Link said.”

MAKE UP YOUR MIND, OFFICER

“The gator, which weighed about 55 pounds, was reported to the California Department of Fish and Game, which then contacted the Phelan-based Forever Wild Exotic Animal Sanctuary. “He was extremely healthy — a little too well taken care of,” said Joel Almquist, who runs the sanctuary.”

honestly, i don’t know what this contradiction in terms means. usually an overfed animal isn’t “extremely healthy,” so i can only assume that what Almquist meant to say was “oh, this alligator was cared for wonderfully and was well-fed, but we’re pretty sure they were getting this thing high all the time. no, i don’t know why someone would get an alligator high. no, i don’t think it would be hilarious or even ‘bitching’ to do so.”

“It’s still an alligator; some are pretty mellow, but if you get bit by a three-footer, you’re going to remember it for a long time. It’s kind of like being bit by a vise with teeth. It’s not a pleasant experience.”

some alligators are pretty mellow? see, this is exactly what i was saying earlier about how i’m not sure this is a legitimate upgrade over a bear (or a TEAM of bears).

“Wally is an American alligator, the same species as those in the Florida Everglades. Almquist received a similar report of an alligator in Hemet several weeks ago, but it was never found. He said he doesn’t know if this is the same one.”

so you all probably know this by now, but i LOVE when mysterious-but-mundane crimes get mentioned in articles like this. why is there some reporter even asking this question? “we heard there was a random alligator sighting weeks ago! is this the same alligator? can you get fingerprints from this alligator to prove it!” especially when, later in the article, they talk about how common gator calls are.

“One of their draws is because they are illegal. That gives them spice to have them,” Almquist said. “They’re cheap and they’re fairly easy to get.”

note to self: start using the phrase “that gives them spice” immediately.

“Brennan said having alligators released into the wild is a major concern. “It’s got very big jaws, a lot of teeth, and their brains are very small,” he said. “It can be really docile or aggressive, but there’s no predicting their mood or behavior. We don’t want them around people or kids or pets.””

meanwhile, Wally’s probably sitting in some water in a black plastic tub nearby thinking, “my brain is very small? i’m going to bite the shit out of this asshole.”

finally, in closing, America lost Nate Dogg this week, and given that this site sometimes goes into tangents where i go on and on about rap music, you know i care. now, okay, a lot of people will tell you that “Regulate” is his best song (and it is a classic) or that “Deez Nuuuts” is what really got him his start (and that might be true) … but this was always my favorite:

yes, okay, this is more a game trailer than an actual video for “‘Til I Collapse,” so you may have to do a little work on your own to check that song out. still … RIP, Nate Dogg. you were too beautiful to live. well, not YOU, but your cool voice.

in which janklow explains who women should have sex with and where men should urinate

so occasionally i violate my general policy of “never leaving my home” and “listening to the white man’s devil music” to try and do something sociable like going to see a friend’s band play out in … shudder … PUBLIC. that didn’t actually work out exactly as planned, since i got there too late to actually see them play, but what DID happen is that i collected a series of observations for the purposes of making it into an update when i returned. wow… that might actually be MORE nerdy than “i just don’t leave my home because i hate people.”

anyway, here are some things that occurred that i don’t fully understand.

janklow’s list of additional things he doesn’t understand about human behavior

Justin Timberlake
men, just because Justin Timberlake can make a fedora work does not mean that you can. because you are no Justin Timberlake(s)

men dressing in a “fancy” fashion for attention

let’s start with the one that J.Miles will be on board with from the jump. now, i’m not talking about dressing up nicely to go out. i don’t do much of that myself, but i DO make a vague attempt to be presentable (non-battered shoes, clean pants, some sort of t-shirt that promotes the living dead), and i understand how most guys clean themselves up a little bit: they enjoy looking good and they want to attract women. personally, i think “random wad of cash” works better for the latter, but what can you do.

no, what i’m talking about is the over-the-top dressing for attention. here’s the case in point: myself and my colleagues hit a few bars/clubs/whatever in the scenic city of Baltimore, and we kept seeing the same dudes dressed in unnecessary sport coats and terrible little fedoras or porkpies or whatever the hell those hats were called. the intent was obvious (since 99% of the time, the intent boils down to “tricking women into touching my/our penis(es)”) … but it’s entirely unnecessary, since you’re not in the kind of establishments where that’s what’s pulling in the women. and it looks ridiculous when there’s like six of you doing it, since even someone who thought you were fashionable would now realize it was a calculated team effort.

summation: stop trying so damn hard. and take off that damn hat.

cat licking a dog
found this ridiculous picture while searching for “men ignoring their women.” oh, internet, you are so ridiculous

men paying absolutely no attention to women they brought out with them

okay, before i mock this, i want to eliminate two points of contention: men who are fleetingly checking out women, and men who are out with female friends. the former is always going to happen, because that’s how men operate. you’ll see someone’s ass and check it out for thirteen seconds and then keep it moving. keep it subtle and polite, of course, but otherwise i am not talking about you.

second, if you’re out with a female friend i SUPPOSE you have no obligation to not ignore her in favor of the myriad of whores that surround you … but ask yourself why she’s there. if she’s your fall-back in case you don’t score any prime talent, you should probably pay some attention. if you have reason to suspect she’s trying to move beyond friend status, it’s the same deal.

anyway, let’s move on to what i actually DON’T understand. dudes will bring what is clearly their wife or girlfriend out on the town, along with other guys, usually, and then spend their entire evening leering at whores dancing or dressed shamefully and completely ignoring the woman that came with them. i can only imagine what she’s thinking at the end of the evening, but if it’s not something like “i would so like to cut this guy’s dick off,” i think it’s entirely possible that this woman might have self-esteem issues.

men, i don’t understand why you do this. yeah, your girlfriend might be a 6 out of 10, but she’s still your girlfriend. if you want to leer at women, leave her at home and just hang out with your male friends. if you want to fuck other women, dump her and move on. stop being classless assholes! you’re making the whole team look bad.

usually when i am out with male friends, i point these vulnerable women out in case they don’t have the male solidarity that i do and would attempt to snatch away the women of stupider men. and ladies, for the record, i’m not saying you should pitch a fit and demand to be taken home. i’m just saying that when this guy decides to “settle” for you later in the evening (especially if you’re the female friend that’s hanging out with these dudes), it might be the appropriate time to have a headache.

pole dancing
of course, the first thing you think when you look at an image like this is “classy”

women who start dancing on poles or bars or whatever else is located inside the establishments

now, look, if you’re a stripper or a waitress that’s paid to also dance on a bar, i get it: this is what you do for a living. i might think you’re not at America’s classiest bar (if you’re a waitress) or that you are probably swollen with cocaine and herpes (if you’re a stripper), but i understand the economics of what’s going on. and to be fair, if that’s the limit of what you do, it’s not high-classy, but it’s not whorish, bad behavior. it’s your job and there’s a limit.

however, if you’re a random woman: why are you dancing on that pole? why are you dancing on this bar?

first off, and most importantly, careful, lady, there’s a beverage here! i don’t care how “sexy” you think your dance is, don’t knock my goddamn drink over. especially if you’re not dancing for my benefit … and maybe i’m oblivious or something, but i always presume it’s not for my benefit. granted, this may be one of those “she’s dancing because she’s drunk, and drunk people don’t have total control over their motor functions” things, but still. ultimately at the end of the evening, you’re fucking some dude with a porkpie hat in the back of a soiled Monte Carlo, and i’m out $5 when my cranberry-and-vodka gets kicked over. and yes, i’m drinking that because i’m on my period. thanks for caring.

second, what’s the point? basically, if you want to get fucked, this seems like a waste of time, since any bar on a weekend is going to be swollen with men looking to pick up women. we may even have discussed some of them in the context of the guys hanging out with their fall-back female friends. just go up to these guys, declare your intentions, and see what happens. obviously you’re not trying to be coy or classy or play hard-to-get: you’re gyrating on a goddamn bar! you’re not going to meet husband material this what, but what married couple has a story like, “oh, we met when i walked into this bar in downtown Baltimore and saw my girl here doing a booty dance up on a pole in the middle of the bar. it was true love at first sight.” although maybe this inability to recognize the romance inherent in that situation is why i’m single?

look, i get that this is the female equivalent of dressing like an asshole (trying to separate yourself from the pack and all), but there’s a point where enough is enough. you can dress well WITHOUT dressing like an asshole. you can dance in an alluring fashion WITHOUT dancing on a pole. this is all i am saying.

public urination
the appropriate way to urinate in public: furtively, behind something that hides you from view. NOT IN AN EXIT LANE

men urinating in the exit lane to a parking garage

so J.Miles and i are leaving our parking garage only to find a car stopped right in the exit preventing us from leaving. now, there are many reasons why this could be the case: someone’s lost and checking a map, someone’s drunk and vomiting out of their door, etc, etc. J.Miles, however, notices that this guy is simply stopped so that he can urinate on the wall on the way out. this causes a brief (and hilarious) confrontation. J.Miles and i both have objections to this situation.

J.Miles’ objection: why the fuck are you not only blocking us in, but being an asshole about it? if you’re holding us up because you’re pissing, and i honk my horn (extensively) at you, is the correct answer to a) take it in stride, wrap it up and leave or b) clap theatrically as if to start a confrontation? granted, i personally am way too small to risk a confrontation, but J.Miles could probably have manhandled the chubby dude pissing in the garage.

my objection: is this the appropriate place to piss? granted, as a man, i know our power is to urinate almost ANYWHERE. i would be lying if i said i had never urinated in a semi-public place in my life. but you’re choosing to piss in a single-lane exit from a garage where you’re practically on the street instead of just finding a secluded corner of the garage and pissing there. how does that decision make any sense?

ultimately, i don’t understand people, and these are just some of the reasons. it happens.

in which dogs acquire stolen feet and pastors… do things they should not do

back to the usual (if often delayed) routine of posting up some random events discovered on the internet and making light of them. hopefully people overlooked at least some of these things originally, because if they haven’t … well, this is going to seem old AND redundant. and probably unoriginal or any number of other insulting terms you can throw in there. so it goes.

Ashley Agerenza
keep it classy, Florida, keep it classy

mother shot twice with a Taser after she was arrested for leaving baby in car to go to tanning salon

so from the jump, all i could think of regarding this story is the fact that i know a couple of people who seem devoted to tanning (not obsessively, but enough that they would defend the practice of regular tanning), and thus i was forced to wonder if they had read this article and became outraged. “how dare those police Taser someone who was just trying to make her skin less pale! outrageous!” anyway, there’s also a story:

“A woman had to be shot with a Taser twice after she was arrested for leaving her seven-month-old daughter in her car while she went to a tanning salon. Ashley Agerenza, 19, has been charged with child abuse, resisting arrest and battery of a police officer after an incident outside Extreme Tan and Smoothies in St Petersburg, Florida.”

things that you could probably have guessed before you ever read a word of the article:

–the woman involved would be younger than 21. i don’t want to go off on some serious sociological tangent, but the fact of the matter is that whenever one of these stories pops with a woman whose child dies while she’s on Facebook or burns in the car while she’s tanning or whatever, the woman is always 16-24, presumably not married (not discussed in this article) and generally white trash. aside from the unconfirmed second point, that all looks accurate.

–the woman foolish enough to leave her child in her car while tanning ALSO would be the woman foolish enough to attack a police officer. i’m sure we all know that women LOVE to push the envelope because they feel they’re immune to male retaliation (and actually, i had a woman flat-out admit this to me, with the unspoken point being that it might actually be okay to call their bluff and hit them sometimes), but here’s the deal: when you’re assaulting a police officer, it’s officially too far, because they ARE allowed to retaliate.

–the tanning saloon would have some ridiculously stupid name like “Extreme Tan and Smoothies”

“Police said she first took the child inside the salon, but was told she could not leave the baby while she had a tanning session. She then took the child back out to her car, strapped her into the car seat and turned on the engine, before returning to the salon.”

so it’s absolutely ridiculous that a woman would place her child in her car to tan rather than, you know, simply NOT tanning that day. or at least dropping the child off with someone. you know, scheduling the appointment? but there’s also this being overlooked: she also felt it was responsible to leave her car running outside a tanning salon while she tanned. hello stolen automobile that comes complete with a free baby to sell!

“A witness called police after seeing the baby abandoned. The responding officer found the baby had almost pushed herself out of the seat and had been sick all over herself. When confronted, Agerenza attacked the officer and was shot twice with a Taser before being arrested.”

now, i don’t know if women fully appreciate this, but that’s not the way to respond to a situation involving the police. you’re a lady: cry, bat your eyes, apologize and claim you didn’t understand. you know men just want to avoid the tears and will probably say something like, “well, okay, your child seems fine and i know you’re young and don’t know better, so, uh, just take your kid home and we’ll forget this every happened.” don’t attack the damn officer!

“A post on Agerenza’s Facebook page read: ‘Wit my lil mama then i might go out for the first time yay! dk if I can leave her tho… So maybe just a drink wen she asleep. love my baby!'”

…jesus fucking christ. add this to the list of reasons i have disdain for humanity.

Reverend Grant Storms
i truly want to believe that some ingenious Budweiser employee parked that truck there to get some free advertising

Southern Decadence protest leader booked with masturbating at Metairie park

so is this one of those stories where i don’t NEED to mention anything else in order for it to be a fine joke for us all? perhaps, but i shall continue regardless.

“The Rev. Grant Storms, the Christian fundamentalist known for his bullhorn protests of the Southern Decadence festival in the French Quarter, was arrested on a charge of masturbating at a Metairie park Friday afternoon. Storms, 53, of 2304 Green Acres Road in Metairie, was taken into custody at Lafreniere Park after two women reported seeing him masturbating in the driver’s seat of his van, which was parked near the carousel and playground, a Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office report said.”

well, that’s certainly… something. let’s move past the “near the carousel and playground” part for a moment and just say that all jokes aside –and there have been MANY jokes about this topic– there really does seem to be something to the long-running comedian theme that these ultra-conservative preachers who flip out about people’s personal lives (and mostly their sex lives) are always into some dirt themselves. it’s a running joke, but i absolutely assume every preacher who’s flagrantly anti-gay or whatever else is into some ridiculous perversion themselves.

“The first woman told deputies she was taking her children to the playground and parked next to the van at about noon … she noticed the van windows were down and the occupant was “looking at the playground area that contained children playing, with his zipper down…,” the report said. The woman noted that he was masturbating … She told a second woman, who walked to the van and also spotted the man masturbating, the report said. The second witness told deputies that the driver saw her and tried to conceal the zipper area of his pants with his hand.”

so right from the jump someone’s either a) a pedophile (which is probably what we all assumed when he was roughing up the bishop near a PLAYGROUND), b) a weird peeping tom (who maybe has a thing for fully-dressed mothers or something, who knows) or c) furiously masturbating to out-of-sight pornography or something else while parked in a public place? i guess it’s possible, but certainly unlikely. note that i am not really willing to consider a fourth non-masturbatory option because, despite eyewitness testimony being notorious unreliable, i cannot think of one.

“The two women flagged down a park employee who notified the Sheriff’s Office. The employee detained the man, later identified as Storms, until deputies arrived. Storms told deputies he was having lunch at the park when he decided to urinate using a bottle instead of the restroom, the report said.”

ah, THERE we go. urinating using a bottle instead of the restroom! okay, so first off, i don’t understand why he didn’t use a restroom. maybe he explained to the police, but we don’t have that nugget. second, i really don’t think “urination” and “masturbation” look the same in the basic physical act, unless i have been WILDLY misled about one or the other of these activities). so that’s also a problem.

“A self-styled “Christian patriot,” Storms led a small West Bank congregation called The Reformer Church and for 10 years hosted “The Reformer Radio Show” on WSHO. Storms has railed against the Roman Catholic church, calling it “satanic” and “demonic.” He is especially known for arming followers with bullhorns, Bibles and picket signs to protest Southern Decadence, the three-day gay festival held in the French Quarter during Labor Day weekend. Storms grabbed national attention in 2003 with his failed attempts to shut down what Southern Decadence organizer Chuck Robinson called a peaceful festival that celebrates gay and alternative lifestyles.”

yeah, absolutely the kind of guy i expect to get busted masturbating in a parked car in a public place … near a playground with children. or, in the words of Bill Hicks (speaking on Jesse Helms), the kind of guy who is “gonna slash his wrists [and] gonna write in blood, “i been a bad boy.” but you know they’re gonna find the skins of young children drying in his attic. swarms of horse-flies going in and out of the eaves, and on CNN, over and over, his wife going, “i always wondered about Jesse’s collection of little shoes.”

…i miss Bill Hicks.

“”He’s, in my opinion, just repulsive,” Bernhardt said Monday. “I’m not surprised at all that he got caught doing that. Serves him right.”

well, i would probably go farther than “repulsive,” but that’s about right. although in fairness to Storms, he did at least man up and a) throw a press conference to comment wherein he b) admitted what he did, called himself a hypocrite and backed down from his anti-gay statements somewhat:

“Storms said in a news conference Tuesday that he was not watching the children, but he did have his hand in his pants. “That Friday I was reclined in the chair in the van, and I had opened my pants and I had my hand in my underwear,” Storms said. “I’m not a pedophile. I’m not a child molester, and I don’t go exposing myself to children.” He apologized to those he has hurt, and he said he was sorry for targeting Decadence, an annual gay festival in the French Quarter. “I understand the hypocrisy. I understand it clearly, and it deeply hurts me. And when I look back, there are a lot of things I would have done differently,” he said.””

so there’s that. i don’t know that i believe his “pornography problem” explanation, but i can give him a little credit for calling himself a hypocrite and apologizing to the Decadence people. it’s progress.

eating feet
cadaver dogs want what they want

lawyer: firefighter took amputated leg from crash scene

“Fire officials are investigating after a St. Lucie County firefighter allegedly took an amputated foot from a crash scene last week and used it to train her cadaver dogs.”

…there are no words. actually, there are words, but i’m going to save them for as i go point by point. still, this is, as always, a pretty ridiculous allegation from the jump, which also allows us to enjoy taglines like “St. Lucie Fire District Investigates Stolen Foot.”

“The attorney for Karl Lambert, 46, of Melbourne, told WPBF News 25 on Thursday his client’s leg had to be amputated after he was involved in a traffic crash Friday on Interstate 95 in Port St. Lucie. Lambert was airlifted to St. Mary’s Medical Center in West Palm Beach, but his leg was left behind. Attorney Raymond Christian told WPBF News 25’s Bob Kaple in a telephone interview that one of the firefighters at the scene took the severed body part because “she was some kind of training person for cadaver dogs, and she basically took the leg.””

so obviously this is sad because it involves someone in a serious traffic accident losing their leg. that’s just the start, like when you’re not just caught masturbating in public … but near a playground. however, here’s my first question: “basically took the leg?” i figure you either take it or you don’t.

“St. Lucie County Fire District Chief Ron Parrish said his department was told the firefighter only took the foot and not a leg.”

oh, well, it was only a foot? that can’t be a big deal. i don’t understand why anyone’s getting upset about this!

“It is alleged that [firefighter Cindy] Economu brought the amputated foot to fire station No. 10 and had a family member bring it home to use for training her cadaver dogs. “It’s not normal for remains or pieces or parts to be removed from an accident scene other than by the appropriate authorities,” fire district spokesman Buddy Emerson said.”

so i guess it can’t be easy to get the materials needed to train cadaver dogs, but did this woman really think that no one would notice what happened with the foot? that they’d think it got smashed in the car, or left on the road and a crow stole it? it’s also very helpful that the spokesman lets us know that stealing people’s severed body parts is “not normal,” but i’m pretty sure we established that fact when it was, you know, stated publicly.

“Standard procedure is to transport an amputated or severed body part with the patient to the hospital in case it can be reattached.”

whew! thanks for clearing that up!

“Lambert has not decided whether to file a lawsuit.”

so, look: i’m not a very litigious person. i think lawsuits are not necessarily “out of control” in the US, but are certainly excessively used for unnecessary reasons. but that being said, if someone stole my severed foot? possibly preventing me from having it reattached at the hospital? for BUSINESS reasons? yeah, lawsuit.

also, one last thing:

guns that let us pretend we’re in exciting television shows

so one thing that drives me a little nuts is that some of the C&R dealers who can sell me reasonably inexpensive C&R firearms ALSO tend to have a lot of bulk trade-in guns from police departments and the like for rock-bottom prices … but because they’re not C&R, i can’t buy them for those prices. and then they get marked up in my state, which removes a lot of the motivation for buying a decent, but used (and possibly “well-used”) firearm. recently, however, i was able to get something in that vein for essentially the same price:

Smith & Wesson

now, with the S&W 4586, i can bust out my sunglasses and leather jacket and pretend to be Vic Mackey from the Shield, only without, you know, the murders and drug-dealing and police brutality and all that. next stop: getting a Stoeger Cougar so J.Miles can pretend to be Ronnie Gardocki. because ladies love the ‘stache.