in which dogs acquire stolen feet and pastors… do things they should not do

back to the usual (if often delayed) routine of posting up some random events discovered on the internet and making light of them. hopefully people overlooked at least some of these things originally, because if they haven’t … well, this is going to seem old AND redundant. and probably unoriginal or any number of other insulting terms you can throw in there. so it goes.

Ashley Agerenza
keep it classy, Florida, keep it classy

mother shot twice with a Taser after she was arrested for leaving baby in car to go to tanning salon

so from the jump, all i could think of regarding this story is the fact that i know a couple of people who seem devoted to tanning (not obsessively, but enough that they would defend the practice of regular tanning), and thus i was forced to wonder if they had read this article and became outraged. “how dare those police Taser someone who was just trying to make her skin less pale! outrageous!” anyway, there’s also a story:

“A woman had to be shot with a Taser twice after she was arrested for leaving her seven-month-old daughter in her car while she went to a tanning salon. Ashley Agerenza, 19, has been charged with child abuse, resisting arrest and battery of a police officer after an incident outside Extreme Tan and Smoothies in St Petersburg, Florida.”

things that you could probably have guessed before you ever read a word of the article:

–the woman involved would be younger than 21. i don’t want to go off on some serious sociological tangent, but the fact of the matter is that whenever one of these stories pops with a woman whose child dies while she’s on Facebook or burns in the car while she’s tanning or whatever, the woman is always 16-24, presumably not married (not discussed in this article) and generally white trash. aside from the unconfirmed second point, that all looks accurate.

–the woman foolish enough to leave her child in her car while tanning ALSO would be the woman foolish enough to attack a police officer. i’m sure we all know that women LOVE to push the envelope because they feel they’re immune to male retaliation (and actually, i had a woman flat-out admit this to me, with the unspoken point being that it might actually be okay to call their bluff and hit them sometimes), but here’s the deal: when you’re assaulting a police officer, it’s officially too far, because they ARE allowed to retaliate.

–the tanning saloon would have some ridiculously stupid name like “Extreme Tan and Smoothies”

“Police said she first took the child inside the salon, but was told she could not leave the baby while she had a tanning session. She then took the child back out to her car, strapped her into the car seat and turned on the engine, before returning to the salon.”

so it’s absolutely ridiculous that a woman would place her child in her car to tan rather than, you know, simply NOT tanning that day. or at least dropping the child off with someone. you know, scheduling the appointment? but there’s also this being overlooked: she also felt it was responsible to leave her car running outside a tanning salon while she tanned. hello stolen automobile that comes complete with a free baby to sell!

“A witness called police after seeing the baby abandoned. The responding officer found the baby had almost pushed herself out of the seat and had been sick all over herself. When confronted, Agerenza attacked the officer and was shot twice with a Taser before being arrested.”

now, i don’t know if women fully appreciate this, but that’s not the way to respond to a situation involving the police. you’re a lady: cry, bat your eyes, apologize and claim you didn’t understand. you know men just want to avoid the tears and will probably say something like, “well, okay, your child seems fine and i know you’re young and don’t know better, so, uh, just take your kid home and we’ll forget this every happened.” don’t attack the damn officer!

“A post on Agerenza’s Facebook page read: ‘Wit my lil mama then i might go out for the first time yay! dk if I can leave her tho… So maybe just a drink wen she asleep. love my baby!'”

…jesus fucking christ. add this to the list of reasons i have disdain for humanity.

Reverend Grant Storms
i truly want to believe that some ingenious Budweiser employee parked that truck there to get some free advertising

Southern Decadence protest leader booked with masturbating at Metairie park

so is this one of those stories where i don’t NEED to mention anything else in order for it to be a fine joke for us all? perhaps, but i shall continue regardless.

“The Rev. Grant Storms, the Christian fundamentalist known for his bullhorn protests of the Southern Decadence festival in the French Quarter, was arrested on a charge of masturbating at a Metairie park Friday afternoon. Storms, 53, of 2304 Green Acres Road in Metairie, was taken into custody at Lafreniere Park after two women reported seeing him masturbating in the driver’s seat of his van, which was parked near the carousel and playground, a Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office report said.”

well, that’s certainly… something. let’s move past the “near the carousel and playground” part for a moment and just say that all jokes aside –and there have been MANY jokes about this topic– there really does seem to be something to the long-running comedian theme that these ultra-conservative preachers who flip out about people’s personal lives (and mostly their sex lives) are always into some dirt themselves. it’s a running joke, but i absolutely assume every preacher who’s flagrantly anti-gay or whatever else is into some ridiculous perversion themselves.

“The first woman told deputies she was taking her children to the playground and parked next to the van at about noon … she noticed the van windows were down and the occupant was “looking at the playground area that contained children playing, with his zipper down…,” the report said. The woman noted that he was masturbating … She told a second woman, who walked to the van and also spotted the man masturbating, the report said. The second witness told deputies that the driver saw her and tried to conceal the zipper area of his pants with his hand.”

so right from the jump someone’s either a) a pedophile (which is probably what we all assumed when he was roughing up the bishop near a PLAYGROUND), b) a weird peeping tom (who maybe has a thing for fully-dressed mothers or something, who knows) or c) furiously masturbating to out-of-sight pornography or something else while parked in a public place? i guess it’s possible, but certainly unlikely. note that i am not really willing to consider a fourth non-masturbatory option because, despite eyewitness testimony being notorious unreliable, i cannot think of one.

“The two women flagged down a park employee who notified the Sheriff’s Office. The employee detained the man, later identified as Storms, until deputies arrived. Storms told deputies he was having lunch at the park when he decided to urinate using a bottle instead of the restroom, the report said.”

ah, THERE we go. urinating using a bottle instead of the restroom! okay, so first off, i don’t understand why he didn’t use a restroom. maybe he explained to the police, but we don’t have that nugget. second, i really don’t think “urination” and “masturbation” look the same in the basic physical act, unless i have been WILDLY misled about one or the other of these activities). so that’s also a problem.

“A self-styled “Christian patriot,” Storms led a small West Bank congregation called The Reformer Church and for 10 years hosted “The Reformer Radio Show” on WSHO. Storms has railed against the Roman Catholic church, calling it “satanic” and “demonic.” He is especially known for arming followers with bullhorns, Bibles and picket signs to protest Southern Decadence, the three-day gay festival held in the French Quarter during Labor Day weekend. Storms grabbed national attention in 2003 with his failed attempts to shut down what Southern Decadence organizer Chuck Robinson called a peaceful festival that celebrates gay and alternative lifestyles.”

yeah, absolutely the kind of guy i expect to get busted masturbating in a parked car in a public place … near a playground with children. or, in the words of Bill Hicks (speaking on Jesse Helms), the kind of guy who is “gonna slash his wrists [and] gonna write in blood, “i been a bad boy.” but you know they’re gonna find the skins of young children drying in his attic. swarms of horse-flies going in and out of the eaves, and on CNN, over and over, his wife going, “i always wondered about Jesse’s collection of little shoes.”

…i miss Bill Hicks.

“”He’s, in my opinion, just repulsive,” Bernhardt said Monday. “I’m not surprised at all that he got caught doing that. Serves him right.”

well, i would probably go farther than “repulsive,” but that’s about right. although in fairness to Storms, he did at least man up and a) throw a press conference to comment wherein he b) admitted what he did, called himself a hypocrite and backed down from his anti-gay statements somewhat:

“Storms said in a news conference Tuesday that he was not watching the children, but he did have his hand in his pants. “That Friday I was reclined in the chair in the van, and I had opened my pants and I had my hand in my underwear,” Storms said. “I’m not a pedophile. I’m not a child molester, and I don’t go exposing myself to children.” He apologized to those he has hurt, and he said he was sorry for targeting Decadence, an annual gay festival in the French Quarter. “I understand the hypocrisy. I understand it clearly, and it deeply hurts me. And when I look back, there are a lot of things I would have done differently,” he said.””

so there’s that. i don’t know that i believe his “pornography problem” explanation, but i can give him a little credit for calling himself a hypocrite and apologizing to the Decadence people. it’s progress.

eating feet
cadaver dogs want what they want

lawyer: firefighter took amputated leg from crash scene

“Fire officials are investigating after a St. Lucie County firefighter allegedly took an amputated foot from a crash scene last week and used it to train her cadaver dogs.”

…there are no words. actually, there are words, but i’m going to save them for as i go point by point. still, this is, as always, a pretty ridiculous allegation from the jump, which also allows us to enjoy taglines like “St. Lucie Fire District Investigates Stolen Foot.”

“The attorney for Karl Lambert, 46, of Melbourne, told WPBF News 25 on Thursday his client’s leg had to be amputated after he was involved in a traffic crash Friday on Interstate 95 in Port St. Lucie. Lambert was airlifted to St. Mary’s Medical Center in West Palm Beach, but his leg was left behind. Attorney Raymond Christian told WPBF News 25’s Bob Kaple in a telephone interview that one of the firefighters at the scene took the severed body part because “she was some kind of training person for cadaver dogs, and she basically took the leg.””

so obviously this is sad because it involves someone in a serious traffic accident losing their leg. that’s just the start, like when you’re not just caught masturbating in public … but near a playground. however, here’s my first question: “basically took the leg?” i figure you either take it or you don’t.

“St. Lucie County Fire District Chief Ron Parrish said his department was told the firefighter only took the foot and not a leg.”

oh, well, it was only a foot? that can’t be a big deal. i don’t understand why anyone’s getting upset about this!

“It is alleged that [firefighter Cindy] Economu brought the amputated foot to fire station No. 10 and had a family member bring it home to use for training her cadaver dogs. “It’s not normal for remains or pieces or parts to be removed from an accident scene other than by the appropriate authorities,” fire district spokesman Buddy Emerson said.”

so i guess it can’t be easy to get the materials needed to train cadaver dogs, but did this woman really think that no one would notice what happened with the foot? that they’d think it got smashed in the car, or left on the road and a crow stole it? it’s also very helpful that the spokesman lets us know that stealing people’s severed body parts is “not normal,” but i’m pretty sure we established that fact when it was, you know, stated publicly.

“Standard procedure is to transport an amputated or severed body part with the patient to the hospital in case it can be reattached.”

whew! thanks for clearing that up!

“Lambert has not decided whether to file a lawsuit.”

so, look: i’m not a very litigious person. i think lawsuits are not necessarily “out of control” in the US, but are certainly excessively used for unnecessary reasons. but that being said, if someone stole my severed foot? possibly preventing me from having it reattached at the hospital? for BUSINESS reasons? yeah, lawsuit.

also, one last thing:

guns that let us pretend we’re in exciting television shows

so one thing that drives me a little nuts is that some of the C&R dealers who can sell me reasonably inexpensive C&R firearms ALSO tend to have a lot of bulk trade-in guns from police departments and the like for rock-bottom prices … but because they’re not C&R, i can’t buy them for those prices. and then they get marked up in my state, which removes a lot of the motivation for buying a decent, but used (and possibly “well-used”) firearm. recently, however, i was able to get something in that vein for essentially the same price:

Smith & Wesson

now, with the S&W 4586, i can bust out my sunglasses and leather jacket and pretend to be Vic Mackey from the Shield, only without, you know, the murders and drug-dealing and police brutality and all that. next stop: getting a Stoeger Cougar so J.Miles can pretend to be Ronnie Gardocki. because ladies love the ‘stache.

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