in which janklow explains who women should have sex with and where men should urinate

so occasionally i violate my general policy of “never leaving my home” and “listening to the white man’s devil music” to try and do something sociable like going to see a friend’s band play out in … shudder … PUBLIC. that didn’t actually work out exactly as planned, since i got there too late to actually see them play, but what DID happen is that i collected a series of observations for the purposes of making it into an update when i returned. wow… that might actually be MORE nerdy than “i just don’t leave my home because i hate people.”

anyway, here are some things that occurred that i don’t fully understand.

janklow’s list of additional things he doesn’t understand about human behavior

Justin Timberlake
men, just because Justin Timberlake can make a fedora work does not mean that you can. because you are no Justin Timberlake(s)

men dressing in a “fancy” fashion for attention

let’s start with the one that J.Miles will be on board with from the jump. now, i’m not talking about dressing up nicely to go out. i don’t do much of that myself, but i DO make a vague attempt to be presentable (non-battered shoes, clean pants, some sort of t-shirt that promotes the living dead), and i understand how most guys clean themselves up a little bit: they enjoy looking good and they want to attract women. personally, i think “random wad of cash” works better for the latter, but what can you do.

no, what i’m talking about is the over-the-top dressing for attention. here’s the case in point: myself and my colleagues hit a few bars/clubs/whatever in the scenic city of Baltimore, and we kept seeing the same dudes dressed in unnecessary sport coats and terrible little fedoras or porkpies or whatever the hell those hats were called. the intent was obvious (since 99% of the time, the intent boils down to “tricking women into touching my/our penis(es)”) … but it’s entirely unnecessary, since you’re not in the kind of establishments where that’s what’s pulling in the women. and it looks ridiculous when there’s like six of you doing it, since even someone who thought you were fashionable would now realize it was a calculated team effort.

summation: stop trying so damn hard. and take off that damn hat.

cat licking a dog
found this ridiculous picture while searching for “men ignoring their women.” oh, internet, you are so ridiculous

men paying absolutely no attention to women they brought out with them

okay, before i mock this, i want to eliminate two points of contention: men who are fleetingly checking out women, and men who are out with female friends. the former is always going to happen, because that’s how men operate. you’ll see someone’s ass and check it out for thirteen seconds and then keep it moving. keep it subtle and polite, of course, but otherwise i am not talking about you.

second, if you’re out with a female friend i SUPPOSE you have no obligation to not ignore her in favor of the myriad of whores that surround you … but ask yourself why she’s there. if she’s your fall-back in case you don’t score any prime talent, you should probably pay some attention. if you have reason to suspect she’s trying to move beyond friend status, it’s the same deal.

anyway, let’s move on to what i actually DON’T understand. dudes will bring what is clearly their wife or girlfriend out on the town, along with other guys, usually, and then spend their entire evening leering at whores dancing or dressed shamefully and completely ignoring the woman that came with them. i can only imagine what she’s thinking at the end of the evening, but if it’s not something like “i would so like to cut this guy’s dick off,” i think it’s entirely possible that this woman might have self-esteem issues.

men, i don’t understand why you do this. yeah, your girlfriend might be a 6 out of 10, but she’s still your girlfriend. if you want to leer at women, leave her at home and just hang out with your male friends. if you want to fuck other women, dump her and move on. stop being classless assholes! you’re making the whole team look bad.

usually when i am out with male friends, i point these vulnerable women out in case they don’t have the male solidarity that i do and would attempt to snatch away the women of stupider men. and ladies, for the record, i’m not saying you should pitch a fit and demand to be taken home. i’m just saying that when this guy decides to “settle” for you later in the evening (especially if you’re the female friend that’s hanging out with these dudes), it might be the appropriate time to have a headache.

pole dancing
of course, the first thing you think when you look at an image like this is “classy”

women who start dancing on poles or bars or whatever else is located inside the establishments

now, look, if you’re a stripper or a waitress that’s paid to also dance on a bar, i get it: this is what you do for a living. i might think you’re not at America’s classiest bar (if you’re a waitress) or that you are probably swollen with cocaine and herpes (if you’re a stripper), but i understand the economics of what’s going on. and to be fair, if that’s the limit of what you do, it’s not high-classy, but it’s not whorish, bad behavior. it’s your job and there’s a limit.

however, if you’re a random woman: why are you dancing on that pole? why are you dancing on this bar?

first off, and most importantly, careful, lady, there’s a beverage here! i don’t care how “sexy” you think your dance is, don’t knock my goddamn drink over. especially if you’re not dancing for my benefit … and maybe i’m oblivious or something, but i always presume it’s not for my benefit. granted, this may be one of those “she’s dancing because she’s drunk, and drunk people don’t have total control over their motor functions” things, but still. ultimately at the end of the evening, you’re fucking some dude with a porkpie hat in the back of a soiled Monte Carlo, and i’m out $5 when my cranberry-and-vodka gets kicked over. and yes, i’m drinking that because i’m on my period. thanks for caring.

second, what’s the point? basically, if you want to get fucked, this seems like a waste of time, since any bar on a weekend is going to be swollen with men looking to pick up women. we may even have discussed some of them in the context of the guys hanging out with their fall-back female friends. just go up to these guys, declare your intentions, and see what happens. obviously you’re not trying to be coy or classy or play hard-to-get: you’re gyrating on a goddamn bar! you’re not going to meet husband material this what, but what married couple has a story like, “oh, we met when i walked into this bar in downtown Baltimore and saw my girl here doing a booty dance up on a pole in the middle of the bar. it was true love at first sight.” although maybe this inability to recognize the romance inherent in that situation is why i’m single?

look, i get that this is the female equivalent of dressing like an asshole (trying to separate yourself from the pack and all), but there’s a point where enough is enough. you can dress well WITHOUT dressing like an asshole. you can dance in an alluring fashion WITHOUT dancing on a pole. this is all i am saying.

public urination
the appropriate way to urinate in public: furtively, behind something that hides you from view. NOT IN AN EXIT LANE

men urinating in the exit lane to a parking garage

so J.Miles and i are leaving our parking garage only to find a car stopped right in the exit preventing us from leaving. now, there are many reasons why this could be the case: someone’s lost and checking a map, someone’s drunk and vomiting out of their door, etc, etc. J.Miles, however, notices that this guy is simply stopped so that he can urinate on the wall on the way out. this causes a brief (and hilarious) confrontation. J.Miles and i both have objections to this situation.

J.Miles’ objection: why the fuck are you not only blocking us in, but being an asshole about it? if you’re holding us up because you’re pissing, and i honk my horn (extensively) at you, is the correct answer to a) take it in stride, wrap it up and leave or b) clap theatrically as if to start a confrontation? granted, i personally am way too small to risk a confrontation, but J.Miles could probably have manhandled the chubby dude pissing in the garage.

my objection: is this the appropriate place to piss? granted, as a man, i know our power is to urinate almost ANYWHERE. i would be lying if i said i had never urinated in a semi-public place in my life. but you’re choosing to piss in a single-lane exit from a garage where you’re practically on the street instead of just finding a secluded corner of the garage and pissing there. how does that decision make any sense?

ultimately, i don’t understand people, and these are just some of the reasons. it happens.

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