things that might be worth shooting a man over: burritos, horse sex, dog defecation

i should probably use my opening statement to saying something along the lines of “guns are awesome” and “this update is in no way meant to imply anything negative about firearms and/or the people that own them.” because both of these things are true, but i ultimately still feel a small amount of guilt related to the fact that my jokes are based around people being ridiculous with them.

except for the horse sex stuff, as we’ll see that any shooting related to THAT matter would be a) no joke and b) totally justified. anyway, on with the show!

burrito-triggered spree response
break out the tactical gear, gentlemen: someone is furious about burritos

the Beefy Crunch Burrito incident

actually, the title implied by the URL for this article is even better: “burrito price leads to shooting stand-off.” i’m a little loath to make light of it, since it smacks of “those Texans and their guns,” but i assure you that there’s a twist coming. for now, though, let’s enjoy the absurdity of it all. here we go:

“The price of the Beefy Crunch Burrito had gone up from 99 cents to $1.49 and the man at the Rigsby Road Taco Bell drive-thru had just ordered seven. The fast food customer was so disgruntled by the price hike he shot an air gun at the manager, displayed an assault rifle and pistol while in the restaurant’s parking lot, fled as police were called, and pointed one of his weapons at three officers who pulled him over. Fleeing when they opened fire, he barricaded himself in his hotel room – all over $3.50 plus additional tax.”

so right here we have everything foreigners love to mock about America: they’re fat, they love guns, and they combine the two excessively. yeah, yeah, yeah. but we’re not cheap! anyway, my theory is this: if you’re going to shoot a gun at a manager because you’re mad about the price of your burritos, it might as well be a real gun. because i guarantee this guy is getting slammed as hard as possible by the Texas legal system right now. but wait…

“All three of his weapons were found to be air-powered and not firearms.”

so the initial paragraph that talked about “an assault rifle and pistol” was false… just like every other piece of reporting on the incident… and this was known to the author(s) before they published the final articles… and yet they STILL let the implication that this was a guy with actual firearms go through into print? classy. see, THIS is why we bash the reliability of the media.

“The final incident in the burrito-triggered spree happened Sunday afternoon at the Rodeway Inn on North W.W. White Road, engaging SWAT negotiators in a more than three-hour standoff, according to officials and witnesses.”

however, it is probably still worth it to get phrases like “burrito-triggered spree” into the “breaking news” category.

“It all began about four hours earlier when the man put in his order at the Taco Bell/KFC two-for-one restaurant … manager Brian Tillerson, 41, said his employees told him a customer was upset about the price of the Beefy Crunch Burrito. “They did use to be 99 cents, but that was just a promotion,” Tillerson said.”

see, now this is something i don’t understand about Americans: the continual flipping out when they realize that things change at fast-food restaurants. look, i get how frustrating it is when you discover a price has changed or a product isn’t being carried any longer (i am always experiencing the latter at the grocery store). but this kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME, especially at fast-food establishments. and yet, as we’ve seen before, Americans will lose their minds and/or call 911 over some fast-food-related nonsense. come on, people, get it together.

“Police initially reported Jones exchanged fire with the officers. But on Monday, an SAPD spokesman said investigators could not be sure about that because his rifle was also a BB gun and they could find no spent BBs. It was unclear who shot out the windshield of a police patrol car during the shooting.”

okay, so, i understand the fast-food manager thinking he saw an assault rifle and pistol. but this is where it gets depressing: first, police think a guy with a BB gun is “exchanging fire” with them? then they try to claim it’s “unclear who shot out the windshield?” clearly, that would have to be the people who had actual guns: the police. seriously, like we haven’t seen police officers lose it and shoot up their own car before? anyway, at the very least, it’s not “unclear” who did it.

“The weird thing is,” Tillerson said, “He was here a week ago around the same time last Sunday. He yelled at me then too.”

well, that is ALSO weird, Tillerson, but given the fact that he went on an air-gun-waving, burrito-triggered spree this time, i think the current events remain “the weird thing.” but it’s not like this is the only time America’s had a guy do something weird…

preventing sex acts with horses since 07.31.2009
i will be able to use this photo for updates on this website until the end of time

probation for man who twice pleaded guilty to having sex with horse

i think i talked about this guy once before (under the title of “”sex with a horse” generally leads to comedy gold,” no less, so the article popped out at me… although, to be honest, any time a news article features the phrase “having sex with horse,” i consider it mentally for inclusion in an update.

“A South Carolina man who twice pleaded guilty to having sex with a horse has been released from prison after 16 months and ordered to stay away from the stable where the animal lives. … Vereen must complete two years of probation or he will have to finish the five-year sentence he received in November 2009 after pleading guilty to buggery and trespassing. The Sun-News of Myrtle Beach first reported Vereen’s release.”

so i imagine there’s an element of “this type of prisoner is not worth spending the money on keeping in jail” at work here, and i can respect that … but come on, ordering him to stay away from the stable? you don’t think the FIRST time they busted him for having sex with the horse they told him the same thing? clearly he feels driven to have sex with this particular horse. if he does it again, are they going to release him with the statement, “stay away from the stable where the animal lives, AND THIS TIME WE REALLY MEAN IT?”

“Vereen was arrested after the owner of the horse staked out her stable and caught Vereen sneaking inside. She held him at gunpoint until police arrived. The owner said she spent several nights in the barn after catching Vereen having sex with the animal on surveillance tapes. She feared he had returned because her horse was acting strange and getting infections again.”

honestly, it would probably have been better for everyone involved if she had just shot the guy, because here’s what we’re dealing with here:

–a man who cannot stop fucking the same horse;
–a woman who’s quality of life is ruined by worrying about some guy breaking into her stable to fuck her horse;
–a horse that keeps getting raped (and infected).

any time a crime victim can be described as “a horse that keeps getting raped,” there’s a problem that might take a little more than probation to describe. and for crying out loud, the horse was “acting strange and getting infections” as a result, and i note this as someone who doesn’t have major sympathy for horses.

“Vereen was caught having sex with the same horse in late 2007 and was on probation from that incident when he was arrested a second time, authorities said.”

EXACTLY

“He said he wasn’t taking his medicine for schizophrenia when he went to the stables and promised to keep taking his medicine when he got out of prison.”

i don’t know THAT much about schizophrenia (beyond that it’s not about multiple personalities like they used to tell us), and i do hope that if this guy takes his medicine, he will stop fucking this horse … but really, i have never heard of another schizophrenic going off his medication and fucking a horse as a result. so i admit that i am skeptical about this.

“Vereen also must continue to register as a sex offender.”

this is actually the best thing about this. i have had issues with sex offender registries, mainly a) that they include lesser offenses alongside the blatantly terrible ones and b) that they’re made public … but if there’s anything beyond convictions for rape and child molestation that i’m okay with being publicly noted on the internet for the good of the public … it’s convictions related to the (repeated) fucking of a horse. ugh.

an emphatic
sounds like SOMEONE should have invested in one of these classy signs

defecating dog sparks US shootout

let’s get this upfront: when i read a title like this, i immediately assume it’s going to be a completely fictional (if not at least “based on truth but WILDLY misreported”) story along the lines of “Americans are so crazy!” i’m pretty sure we do this about foreigners all the time, so i suppose turnabout is fair play. but when it comes from a generally anti-gun country (the UK) and involved some “US shootout,” i have to assume some shenanigans might be at work.

that won’t stop me from repeating a story for comedy purposes, though. here we go:

“Two neighbours in the US state of Mississippi drew weapons and fired at each other as an argument over a defecating dog ran out of control.”

so i think you see what i am talking about: Americans in a shoot-out? over a defecating dog? in MISSISSIPPI? exactly. but we must press on!

“Associated Press news agency said Jerry Blasingame, 60, has been charged with assault for shooting Terry Tehnet, 52, with a shotgun. Mr Tehnet was angry because he thought Mr Blasingame’s dog had defecated on his lawn, in a rural part of the state. Mr Tehnet, whose injuries are not life-threatening, may also be charged.”

even the names seem kind of fake! anyway, true or not, throwing in “in a rural part of the state” is a nice touch, as if this kind of thing commonly happens in cities. actually, i suppose it could happen in a city in Mississippi, despite that state long holding the title of “classiest place in America.” any time there’s a negative statistic, the number one answer is invariably “Mississippi.” it’s like the opposite of cinnamon.

“The two men gave AP different versions of what happened.”

i cannot imagine why, in a circumstance where a man is accused of shooting a man over a dog’s defecation, that that might be.

“Mr Tehnet said he visited his neighbour to complain about dog “poop” on his property. Mr Blasingame blamed him for shooting his dog the week before, Mr Tehnet said, and told him: “Just meet me at the levee and I’ll shoot you down.””

you know, call me a dog person, but there’s a solid chance that i would shoot a man for shooting my dog. although, as my dog is deceased, i would probably have to shoot him for shooting my dead dog… and yes, i would probably still do that (and i don’t even live in Mississippi). however, i don’t want to dwell on this lest we miss the excellence of a call-out for a duel (in the South, no less) that involves the declaration “meet me at the levee.”

“”The two men confronted one another again and each claimed the other produced a weapon first. “He shot twice, I returned fire,” said Mr Blasingame. Mr Tehnet said Mr Blasingame opened fire first with his shotgun so he took his pistol from his car and fired back. He said he was hit in both hands, the shoulder, chest and side by shotgun pellets, AP reported.”

the moral of the story? stop shooting guys with goddamn bird-shot in your shotguns! this happened to a relative of mine when a disgruntled drunk he’d roughed up took a shot at him (huh… maybe i SHOULD live in Mississippi), and he was mildly wounded by pellets. granted, i wouldn’t have wanted that to turn out worse for him, so maybe the moral is actually going to be “good job continuing to load your shotguns with bird-shot, morons of the world.”

“Washington County Chief Deputy Sheriff Billy Barber said: “Homeowners and property owners need to respect each other’s property… If a dog did that in your yard, call the law. Don’t take matters into your own hands.””

this sheriff probably also appreciates the ability to look like a goddamn genius simply by pointing out the obvious.

so, see, no hip-hop this week! hooray for our readers! except me, because, you know, i love that stuff.

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2 Responses to things that might be worth shooting a man over: burritos, horse sex, dog defecation

  1. smiles says:

    yes, no hip-hop!!!

  2. janklow says:

    well, i AM glad that you are pleased, but if no one is going to read it either way … fuck it, i might as well write about what i want.

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