continuing the string of updates marked with “full disclosure,” another full disclosure: i am in incredibly decrepit shape this fine weekend, which basically means a) i am sitting here miserably nursing my fragile body that includes the over-exerted knee i MAYBE also dropped a CO2 tank on and b) since i should have completed this update on Friday, this is all a secret, terrible excuse. anyway, we’re going to ignore B for right now, because the point was supposed to be “i’m too tired to come up with great comedy, so i’ll going to resort to picking on an easy target.”
and this week, i suppose that means Lenny “Nails” Dykstra.
clearly this is the face of a man you should trust to give you complicated financial advice
Lenny Dykstra: America’s greatest disgrace
so once upon a time, Lenny Dykstra was a former MLB player for the New York Mets (or, as they are sometimes known, “my favorite squadron, the Ny Mets”) and the Philadelphia Phillies, who i would insult, but sometimes my sister reads this website, and that might make her angry, and she has painful, bony fists that punch kidneys. he was supposedly nicknamed “Nails” for his “for his tough-as-nails personality and fearless play,” which seems reasonable, but it also means i do NOT want to know how he got the nickname “Dude.”
now, given that many baseball players are insane, or criminals, or both, it might seem a little unnecessary to point out that yet another once-respected athlete who played baseball for money has gone down to the level of “retired crazy baseball guy who’s lost all of this money and then done some insane stuff, possibly to regain some of the money he wasted.” and maybe you happen to know that i am not a huge baseball guy and might be ripping those players when i’d give other athletes a pass because of reasons like:
–i found baseball to be a depressing and maybe humiliating game to play as a child, which i can exemplify with a sad, sad story i won’t get into here, but which some people know;
–i sympathize less with baseball players than, say, football players because of the guaranteed nature of the contracts;
–i’m a Pittsburgh Pirates fan, so baseball only brings me feelings of sadness and anger.
but “Nails” is on a whole different level of insanity… so i’m going to try and go through this chronologically and make some jokes.
show me all the signs and logos and stores you want, i still don’t think any of this is real
Dykstra once had a venture to develop several “I Sold It on eBay” stores throughout high-demographic areas of Southern California
now, once Dykstra retired from baseball, he got into a variety of businesses, including car washes, refueling stations and real estate, the latter of which seems to always appear in cases where athletes lose all their money spectacularly and the rest of us sitting around saying, “wow, i can’t believe Mark Brunell lost so much money that he has to play second-strong quarterback for the New York Jets.” and now i feel a little bad for ripping on Brunell for no reason. he seems like a nice man.
however, while i periodically see people making stores that are based around some loose connection to eBay… i ALWAYS assume it’s a joke. maybe it’s that 40-Year-Old Virgin movie ruining a legitimate field of business for me; maybe it’s my inherently negative nature. but whatever the cause, i refuse to believe the business concept is NOT a joke if eBay figures prominently in the prospectus. so this definitely seems funny to me.
Dykstra once began a high-end jet charter company and magazine marketed towards professional athletes known as Player’s Club, as well as generally pretending to be some kind of financial wizard
now, this one is a complicated joke that, if you don’t know the specifics of it, takes a while to keep building. hang in there.
anyway, mostly the way a professional athlete makes money from investing is to earn a shitload of it (the legal term) playing their sport, and then to turn over a large portion of it to trained professionals who can work with them to grow that money and make a profit for everyone involved. note the “trained professionals” and “to turn (it) over” parts of that, which don’t involve the ATHLETE becoming some kind of financial mastermind. so of course Dykstra himself became a financial “mastermind.”
now, at one point this actually seemed to be working for him: the guy had those businesses; he once wrote an investing column for Jim Cramer’s TheStreet (i think this was back when people had a lot more respect for Jim Cramer) and had a website for his “Nails Investments” investment ideas, and he was making big deals like purchasing Wayne Gretzky’s $17 million estate with the hopes of flipping it. people used to be able to do that with properties back in the day before teachers and public-sector employees ruined our economy.
however, it turns out this was LARGELY a scam, as seen when people began to publish extensive (and HILARIOUS, if you’re not one of the people involved with Dykstra) articles detailing his financial shenanigans: Kevin Coughlin ripped him for GQ (“You Think Your Job Sucks?”), covering allegations of fraud, failure to pay rents and costs, bounced checks, lawsuits, and possibly the murder of a nun. ALLEGED murder, that is. and then Mike Fish went into even greater detail for ESPN (“Dykstra’s business: a bed of ‘Nails'”). he’s now declared bankruptcy and apparently lives out of his car, as all those homes he owns/owned are “unlivable”… for some reason…
all of this seems funny in a businesslike way (of COURSE the athlete doesn’t know shit about business), but i imagine that what you’d really like is jokes about his personal life (especially to explain why i consider this a current story). so let’s get to that!
clearly not a physique constructed through normal means
Dykstra used steroids, making him the worst person a human being can be
let’s start with the light stuff: he supposedly used steroids, a fact aired out by the lawsuits of former business associates (like Lindsay Jones, who also claimed Dykstra told him to bet on Phillies games while Dykstra played for them), former professional associates (like Jason Grimsley, who stated this in his affidavit) and MLB investigations (remember that Mitchell Report?)
so even if you don’t give a shit about baseball (and i have to struggle to, if you’ll remember that above list that i posted), you have to consider this aspect of it funny: Dykstra wasn’t only a fraud at his post-baseball business dealings we should have all seen coming, he was ALSO a fraud at his baseball skills that would seem to be the only thing he was ever legitimately successfully at in his entire life.
Dykstra also bounced a check… to a porn star escort
so apparently after his wife divorced him, Dykstra was a little lonely, because he hired “adult film star and escort Monica Foster” (although i don’t know why we can’t just call prostitutes prostitutes and be done with it) … and then wrote her a bad check for $1000. and i don’t know which is funnier: Dykstra thinking he could get away with giving an escort a bad check (which i’m sure has identifying information on it), or an escort being willing to take a check from Dykstra. didn’t you see him in the news being disgraced and think, “maybe i should insist this guy pays cash?”
side note: the internet also tells me that “Monica Foster later posted a copy of the bounced check on her blog.” so she’s posting checks for her escort work on the internet, and there’s no cops out there saying, “wait a minute… maybe there’s some kind of prostitution going on here we should look into?” i remember some internet escorts getting slammed out here on the east coast, so maybe it’s just not as pressing a matter out west.
Dykstra was arrested and charged with bankruptcy fraud
the thing that’s weird to me about athletes doing some nonsense (like the above-discussed frauds and so on) is that i would think they’d think “hey, with the increasing attention i get as a celebrity, you’d think it would be harder for me to get away with my shenanigans.” but you would ESPECIALLY think they wouldn’t go right back to the well again. however, you then have Dykstra, who was arrested for grand theft charges related to the purchase of vehicles (i guess he’s decided to embrace crime full-time)… right after he’d JUST been indicted, ONE DAY EARLIER, for bankruptcy fraud.
see, apparently after he filed for bankruptcy, he stole a pile of stuff from those mansions, ranging from sports memorabilia to sinks, and then sold it. did he think that they wouldn’t notice the sinks had been ripped out of the $17 million estate? those things tend to come with sinks. or maybe he just thought that the guy down at the pawn shop wouldn’t think “hey, this guy trying to sell me a used toilet is that national failure Lenny Dykstra?” i don’t get the thought process, i guess.
also, apparently Charlie Sheen keeps bailing this guy out (and calling him “a warlock”), which just makes me wonder why the fuck Sheen doesn’t loan him a couple of dollars if he thinks Dykstra is such a good guy. although i think, to be honest, that if Sheen has such money to waste, he should just give it directly to me.
“the only thing i’ll be wearing during the oil massage will be this hat. you don’t have a problem with that, do you?”
and the latest… Dykstra has a series of problems with his housekeepers
this all just gets creepier and weirder. to start, Lenny Dykstra accused of sexual assault by housekeeper:
“Former pro baseball player Lenny Dykstra’s housekeeper accused him of sexual assault … a female housekeeper alleged Dykstra would force her to give him oral sex on Saturdays. However, the 41-year-old woman’s case seemed to flounder because of an apparent lack of evidence that the activity was forced.”
for one thing, “on Saturdays?” this is too specific of a claim for me to think that it’s not true. and i don’t want to make light of this too much, since it’s sort of depressing that Nails is extorting blowjobs from a maid in her 40s, but it definitely seems like he’s taken a step down from scamming porn stars with fake checks if he’s using the threat of job loss to get sexual favors from middle-aged amateurs. how the mighty have fallen.
“The woman told investigators she “needed the job and the money so she went along with the suspect’s requests rather than lose her job,” … according to prosecutors, the woman did not report the alleged assaults until after Dykstra failed to pay her $2,000 he owed her.”
okay, now i suppose i can make a SMALL amount of fun about the situation, because she’s coming off as much more of a willing participant in the situation. and i have to be honest, i think if you feel victimized by a celebrity, you go to the police and report them, and then you sell your exclusive to a tabloid, and then you find another job. still… how many weeks do you clean someone’s house and then blow them before you realize that the guy isn’t paying you?
“In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Dykstra denied the allegations, saying the woman was trying to extort him to buy drugs. “If she was assaulted on Saturdays, then I’m a … ballerina dancer on Sundays,” Dykstra said. “This is a maid.””
and then Dykstra does his best to make this woman seem 100% honest. problems with this statement include:
–what is this “extort him to buy drugs” nonsense if the whole thing is false? wouldn’t you just say she was lying to extort you and leave it at that? is it less extortion if she does it to buy food and gas?
–the “ballerina dancer” remark, which a) smacks of protesting too much and, even worse, is b) redundant, as all ballerinas are dancers;
–the “this is a maid” remark, which doesn’t prove her wrong (unless there’s some statistical thing about maids lying i am not aware of) and would work better as a “that’s beneath me” remark if he wasn’t the kind of guy who’d fuck a porn star and then give her a bad check.
only as bad as that is, it seems like it continues. woman alleges Lenny Dykstra stripped naked, asked for massage during her job interview:
“Ex-Met Lenny Dykstra is denying an allegation that he stripped naked and asked for a massage from a woman interviewing for a housekeeping job. … [Lawyer Mauro] Fiore said Dykstra led her to a guesthouse, gave her a box of oils, disrobed and jumped on a bed. “He said he had a lot of injuries from being an athlete and needed her to massage him as part of the job,” Fiore said. “That’s when she ran out.””
but, okay, this could be one of those things where, since i don’t interact with people, i don’t really know the limits of what’s acceptable to do in a job interview with a housekeeper.
“The woman’s lawyer said she plans to sue. He declined to release her name or a police report she claims to have filed. “She’s really traumatized. She had to see a psychiatrist. She said she can’t sleep,” said lawyer Mauro Fiore.”
which is, to say the least, not a ringing endorsement of Dykstra’s post-baseball physique. and then we go on to learn that she answered an ad on Craigslist, which i THOUGHT we all knew in 2011 was a breeding ground for mysterious prostitution and possible murder.
“Dykstra, 49, who has been beset by money woes, is the target of at least two financial probes.”
honestly, they could just remove “money” from that sentence and make it more accurate, because the way i should personally have written it would be something like: “Dykstra, 49, has made a serious of poor decisions that have turned his life into a shambles.” and honestly, a few generations ago, he would have just shot himself by now. or walked off a tall building or something.
in closing, let me just say this: Lenny Dykstra, you are no Andy Van Slyke, a classy baseball-playing gent if there ever was one. and next week, no baseball talk! yes!