time to combine two of my most favorite things: US senators AND Americans with creepy sexual urges! wait…

last week, i was ahead of the game on this whole “regular update thing”; this week, i’ve managed to waste all the extra time it earned me and thus had to choose between “mediocre ranting about some random articles” and “13 about something fairly random.” we’ll probably go with the latter for next week (unless something hilarious springs up), but for now… enjoy the mediocrity!

goddamn Americans
given how ridiculous this circumstance seems to be, i have to assume he’s drinking a bottle of his own urine. it happens

senator questions benefits to ‘adult baby’

so not only do we have a wonderful title here, but also one that promises to combine two of my most favorite things: US senators AND Americans with creepy sexual urges! wait… i don’t like those things at all! so here we go:

“A key senator has asked the Social Security Administration to investigate how people who live their lives role-playing as “adult babies” are able to get taxpayer-funded disability payments — after one of them was featured on a recent reality TV episode wearing diapers, feeding from a bottle and using an adult-sized crib he built. Sen. Tom Coburn, Oklahoma Republican and the Senate’s top waste-watcher, asked the agency’s inspector general to look into 30-year-old Stanley Thornton Jr. and his roommate, Sandra Dias, who acts as his “mother,” saying it’s not clear why they are collecting Supplemental Security Income (SSI) benefits instead of working.”

so, to be perfectly honest, i am very torn at the start of this article. on the one hand, i do like Coburn – especially for his past insistence on discussing policy topics instead of scraps of sensational meat provided by conservative talk shows and the like – and obviously there’s nothing wrong with going after benefit fraud. and it really doesn’t sound like there’s anything nakedly political about this; i can’t imagine that Coburn’s main opposition is primarily funded by “adult babies” or something.

but on the other hand… isn’t this the kind of thing that makes you say, “can’t you guys deal with the fucking debt ceiling or something first before you worry about the adult babies?” it’s like when i hear Congress is going to look into the BCS: it’s good in theory, but don’t you have bigger fish to fry right now? maybe?

“”Given that Mr. Thornton is able to determine what is appropriate attire and actions in public, drive himself to complete errands, design and custom-make baby furniture to support a 350-pound adult and run an Internet support group, it is possible that he has been improperly collecting disability benefits for a period of time,” Mr. Coburn wrote in a letter Monday to Inspector General Patrick P. O’Carroll Jr. The request comes at a time when members of Congress are struggling to cut budgets and weed out waste to try to bring down the staggering deficit, and comes just days after Social Security’s trustees released a grim assessment of the program’s long-term financial health.”

okay, so maybe it’s SLIGHTLY nakedly political. although ultimately the question i ask myself is, “is this the kind of thing that Republicans wouldn’t worry about if there wasn’t an election in the near future?” well, one, i think there’s a Bill Hicks-style joke about Republicans in there, and two, isn’t there ALWAYS an election in the near future? isn’t that one of the things i’m always bitching and moaning about regarding this whole political system of ours?

“In an email response to The Washington Times, Mr. Thornton threatened to kill himself if his Social Security payments are taken away, and said the television episode showing him doing woodwork oversold his abilities. “You wanna test how damn serious I am about leaving this world, screw with my check that pays for this apartment and food. Try it. See how serious I am. I don’t care,” the California man said. “I have no problem killing myself. Take away the last thing keeping me here, and see what happens. Next time you see me on the news, it will be me in a body bag.”

huh. so i have several responses to THAT response:

01. i think i speak for all of us out here in the Real World when i say “challenge accepted; let’s see what happens.”

02. also, who makes an argument like this? he’s an adult baby accused of SSI fraud, who basically says that if we stop his checks, he’ll kill himself. this is proof the checks are for a legitimate disability, which he doesn’t mention in his above threat? but really, it smacks of “protesting too much”: rather than take an explanatory tone (like a disabled person), he takes an outraged tone (like a fraud). as a former colleague of mine would say, kill yourself already.

03. also, how did i know that this guy was from California without ever having seen this National Geographic show on which he appeared? MYSTERIOUS.

“Mr. Thornton was featured in early May on National Geographic Channel’s “Taboo” program along with Miss Dias, a former nurse who feeds him a bottle and otherwise attends to his needs when he is dressed in diapers. In the episode, he shows off the adult-sized crib he built and sleeps in, and the cameras follow him to the hardware store where he buys wood for his latest do-it-yourself project — an elevated high chair that is capable of holding his ample frame.”

and that’s right, it’s not one guy accused of fraud, it’s two people. and i’m not sure what her defense is. anyway, it certainly seems like a guy who’s building adult-sized cribs and high chairs is “able” enough to do something more than wear a diaper and collect checks. in fact, well, consider this next part:

“He said he has been living at least a partial adult baby lifestyle since his teenage years, though he does wear adult clothes when he goes out, fearing embarrassment otherwise.”

so the compulsion is so extreme … and yet he’s able to dress like an adult and go on, as he’d be embarrassed otherwise. certainly sounds like someone who could dress like an adult for eight hours a day and get a fucking job. or maybe get a job where he works from home. maybe it’s just me, and i have an impossibly high standard for people who claim to be so disabled that they need federal support, but… wait, no, it’s not me, this guy is a fraud.

“Mr. Coburn also questions why Miss Dias, as a former nurse, collects SSI benefits, “since she is able to provide childcare” to Mr. Thornton.”

and this is actually the more important (although less sensational, and thus more overlooked) part of the debate: even if you grant Thornton is too disabled to work – and i do not grant that, but we’re playing along here – that doesn’t address why MISS DIAS needs SSI benefits. granted, maybe there is a reason… but in all that time spent crying about how he needs those federal benefits or he’ll be forced to KILL HIMSELF, he doesn’t seem to mention it.

“In an extensive biography on his web page, Mr. Thornton says he worked as a security guard for a year and a half but said trauma stemming from childhood abuse, combined with other mental problems, made it impossible for him to hold the job, and he has been receiving SSI payments for most of the last 10 years.”

call me callous, but this just seems like a lot of bullshit to me. for one thing, i note that someone’s had time to write an “extensive biography on his web page”; for another, i note that his history of being too disabled to work seems to boil down to “was a security guard for 1.5 years, couldn’t hack it, and never worked again.” now, i don’t mean to sound bitter, cold or cruel, but i am, so that’s how it’s coming out, and here you go: having ONE JOB in TEN YEARS does not tell me that you’re too disabled to hold a job. it tells me you should have tried a second or third option.

“In his email to The Times, Mr. Thornton said he is not capable of working. He said running the website only takes four hours a month, and he said his craftsman skills were overstated by the program, which showed him working on his adult-sized high chair. “What you saw on camera being drilled was pre-assembled the day before. All I did was drill six holes for the camera,” he said.”

hell, i’m just trying to figure out how this guy’s so disabled that he can’t bear to be outside of his home and dressed like an adult, but he’s cool with people coming into his home and filming him. also, saying running a website “only takes four hours a month” isn’t an explanation of why you can’t work, it’s a boast about how fucking lazy you are. AND WHY ISN’T THE WOMAN WHO IS THE SECOND HALF OF YOUR DISGUSTING FANTASY WORKING.

look, call me a prude (true) and claim that i mostly just find this dude appalling (true), but this is just another example of “why janklow hates Americans.” also, we need to look into why Tom Coburn is spending his free time watching Taboo on National Geographic.

okay, let’s stay with the internet forums of Washington-area papers to keep this hate train rolling:

Kardashians
at this point, i think their mother had two daughters and a son, and decided she REALLY wanted three girls … and thus the above happened

novel idea: Kardashians turn to fiction, fans get to name book set for November release

there isn’t really much article here, but that doesn’t matter, because my rage is inversely proportional to the length of this article. wait… that sentence might not be clear to the kind of person who would read a Kardashian book or sign them to a book-writing contract, so let me translate that into something they could understand: JANKLOW ANGRY! JANKLOW SMASH! NOT LITERAL SMASH, THOUGH, SMASH WITH WORDS ON INTERNET! anyway, let’s move forward with the anger:

“The Kardashians are working on a novel, and you may get to name it.”

GODDAMNIT. however, i don’t want my rage to prevent me from being able to submit my name into contention: “Whores-A-Poppin’.”

“Publisher William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins, announced Tuesday that reality stars Kourtney, Kim and Khloé Kardashian are turning to fiction.”

there are several things i find terribly wrong with this sentence, so let me try to handle them point-by-point:

01. first, while i understand that they ARE actually “reality stars,” i remain annoyed by the use of such a term that applies they’ve done more than act like spoiled whores on camera for attention. if it works and you make your dollar, hey, i respect that. i just wish we had some DIFFERENT term.

02. second, what the hell about what they do implies they have the ability to write a book? yes, i know, someone will ghost-write it and then they’ll slap three vapid names on the cover and we’ll call a day, so no one really thinks they can write a book. but i just don’t understand the thought process: “hey, this girl with the big ass is popular on television, so have her write some kind of novel and we’ll sell it to the guy who sells me the drugs THAT MAKE ME THINK THIS CRAZY STUFF.”

03. finally, what exactly is the business model for this kind of book? do they actually sell copies to the extent that it’s profitable? and if so, who’s reading these things? did that Snooki novel make any money?

“Scheduled for a November release, the book promises an imaginary peak into the dynamics of “a glamorous, high profile and complicated family.””

okay, so not only is this uncalled for… and not only is this not actually going to be written by the Kardashians themselves… but it’s not even really fiction, but a thinly-veiled version of their lives, except for the fact that they’ll probably come off as 13 times more awesome in it. what kind of poor excuse for fiction is that?

that said, i will say that as to whoever ghost-writes this thing, however bad it turns out or however reprehensible a concept this is, i will respect them, because i could never do this job. i’d spend all the time until they fired me pitching them ideas like “in this novel, it turns out the Kardashians ARE bad enough dudes to rescue the president” and calling Khloe “the fat one.”

“The winner gets some fame — but no cash prize.”

nice. adding insult to injury, you get no financial benefit to winning, just the bragging rights from being the person who named the Kardashian novel. listen, if THAT is your achievement in life, you should really just kill yourself. seriously. it’s not going to get any better from here on out.

i can’t wait until they’ve cranked out a ton of these things and the Kardashian sisters are on television talking about how “there are no authors in our genre, no one is doing what we do” and comparing themselves to Shakespeare and Hemingway and then i have to just fucking kill myself already.

Sarah Palin
please just go away

also, some random thoughts about the upcoming election

so there’s going to be an election next year, and i’m already pretty fed up with the concept of hearing about election stuff and that’s unlikely to change. anyway, since we’ve had a lot of random nonsense regarding it happening lately, i decided to steal a page from notorious bad internet writer Peter King and hit you guys with “13 things i think i think regarding this 2012 election nonsense,” because it seems to work for him, and he’s TERRIBLE.

13 things i think i think regarding this 2012 election nonsense (not redundant at all)

01. i think there ought to be some kind of law stating that there is to be no goddamn electioneering and primary scheming and all the rest until the year of the actually election. we’ve been debating this stuff since January, if not sooner, which means we’re spending 23 months of a 48 month term discussing the election for next term. this is a goddamn disgrace.

02. i think that since Obama’s now killed Osama, i don’t think he loses the election in 2012. granted, i guess anything can happen, but part of why i find two years spent debating this election annoying is that i view it all as ultimately pointless (in that i see no GOP candidate winning no matter what). Obama’s probably going to have to be caught, on videotape, raping the corpse of a dead white boy on the dsk in the Oval Office to lose this election. and even then, MAYBE.

03. i’m glad this Trump thing is (theoretically) over, and let me reiterate a point i have been making for weeks: if you gave this idiot any credit as a serious candidate, you’re a fucking moron. he’s a party-switching blowhard whose riches were handed to him by his father, whose net worth is supposedly undervalued but can never be verified (he also claims it varies based on his mood), who would stick it to unfair China even though his line of clothing for men is made in China, and who encouraged all those goddamn birthers. fuck that guy.

04. i find it hilarious that this Jerome Corsi character wrote a book entitled Where’s the Birth Certificate? and hyped it up for months and months … only to have it be coming out right after the birth certificate was produced. no additional commentary there, it’s just funny.

05. i’ve long held the position that Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich were opposites: one of them is fairly smart and one of them is legitimately likeable. you can probably figure out who’s who. that said, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from Jimmy Stewart, it’s that it’s better to be oh so pleasant than oh so smart. i just don’t know who would tell Gingrich that he is at all likeable enough to win a popularity contest.

06. i want to note that the whole thing with Mitch Daniels and his wife leaving him and their daughters to move west, marry another man, and then get divorced from THAT man and return to Mitch is just ridiculous. not making fun, just noting that it’s a really weird story for anyone of notable political success to have in his background.

07. i also think that second most ridiculous is the whole thing with John Edwards possibly getting prosecuted for financial dealings related to his mistress that he knocked up and had a sex tape with and tried to conceal and everything else. i guess there’s a lot of misplaced confidence in politicians, but i just don’t seem how people can think, “well, i’ll have a secret mistress and a secret baby and also run for president AT THE SAME TIME.” it’s proof someone is too stupid to be president.

08. i would like to note, for the record, that i have been calling Schwarzenegger a traitorous bastard for years now, so all this secret drama with him makes me feel smug and justified. don’t worry, i’m not going to lord it over people beyond this post here on the internet.

09. i’ll also note that the only good thing about all this election talk so far in advance is that it seems to encourage guys to hop back into the race: no one was talking about Palin or Giuliani this year, and yet after months of all this back-and-forth finally knocking out prospective GOP candidates, now they seem to want to float their names out there? hilarious.

10. i guess the thing Tea Party guys talk about this year that makes me want to pull all my hair out will be the whole debt ceiling/”it’s fine to default” stuff (last time it was all that “RINO” talk). look, i get that the deficit needs to be addressed, but all you smart guys, answer this: when in your personal life did you willfully default on a debt and have it turn out to be a good thing? exactly. please don’t tell me the government should do that.

11. i want to use this item to deliver a general “fuck you” to people talking about “overpaid government workers and their pensions” as a method of tossing some red meat to their audiences in political speeches. honestly, whenever i hear someone start a speech with a statement like, “i respect government workers, i really do,” i can only assume it means they don’t respect those workers. if you don’t, just be upfront about it.

12. i really want to see a vicious Bachmann-Palin cat fight. not in the “oh, this is sort of erotic” way that a lot of guys want to see a cat fight, though; i want one of them to end up seriously injured as a result. fingers crossed!

13. i apologize for this part being the boring portion of the post; sometimes i like to have “serious content” for some reason. we’ll talk more about robots next week!

when the drama starts, there’s simply no time to worry about socks

so most of the time, i legitimately try to make these updates entertaining (really) and so i actually, believe it or not, make some effort to make them about news events or hilarious topics (mostly involving bears) about which i can rant and make jokes. and i’d like to think it works. and then sometimes i get the compulsion to post something i can get really worked up about for no reason (like, say, Ghostface Killah’s video for “Cherchez La Ghost”), after which i maybe get some angry correction regarding my transgression, and then i resolve to walk the straight and narrow from then on.

but sometimes… i’ve just had such a week that i think “who gives a fuck, no one is reading this, talk about whatever nonsense you want, why not?” and that’s the kind of week that gives us updates like this. also, you can thank the randomness of my record-playing MP3-machine this morning if you need something more specific to blame.

janklow’s list of 13 observations based on Ghostface Killah’s verse on “the Hilton”

i suppose i should embed said song here so that everyone can truly appreciate these observations (and one of the most awkward album covers of all time).

i love this song, it’s solid, and it’s ridiculous, and that’s pretty much what should be carved into Ghostface’s tombstone (that or something about “remember how i long-dicked you and broke your ovary” or whatever he was talking about there). so i wanted to take a minute and deconstruct in 13 ways why i love this song so much. or, uh, Ghostface’s half of the song.

Ghostface Killah and ... some ladies
this picture is from an entirely unrelated trip Ghostface took to the Hilton. we can talk about that next time

01. line 2: “heard Nia Long is in the building”
so this is just a random observation that Ghostface throws out to describe the fact that he and Raekwon are staying in the Hilton (for nefarious business purposes, one can only assume), and i like it for two reasons: one, it’s a great little way to reference the fact that they’re in the presence of society-acceptable rich, beautiful people, and two, one guy who i know HATES these kinds of updates is a pretty solid fan of Nia Long (or at least her physique). and three, i love irony!

02. line 6: “what i do? duck!”
the line, as written, isn’t bedazzling, so you have to consider the delivery: Ghostface poses the question of what to do in the face of an armed assailant, and his response is to sing “duck” in a ridiculous falsetto (well, maybe not THAT extreme, but it’s not his speaking voice). the “oh shit” nature of the confrontation is entirely escalated at this point. this is what we call delivery, people. take some notes.

03. lines 7-8: “Rae up in the shower, singing/son don’t know that it’s real”
on the surface, just an observation to paint the picture. but what’s unspoken here is that once, Raekwon was the man and Ghostface was the guy “introduced” (never mind them being peers in the same rap collective) on Raekwon’s album … and now Ghostface is the man handling the life-or-death situation while Raekwon is singing (probably incredibly poorly) to himself in the shower all the while, oblivious to the drama. no hate on Rae, i just don’t think he’s known for his singing voice.

04. line 10: “in a tight jam, red down, matching like Santa”
i suppose you could take this description to mean either guy, but since the gunman facing down Ghostface is presumably dressed like room service would be, this seems to be Ghost’s way of letting us know he’s matching red down with his later-to-be-mentioned “white leather.” the fact that he compares his look to that of “Santa” is both accurate and the kind of ridiculous thing that Ghostface would remark about himself (i also particularly like “robes made from suede and knitted by virgins,” myself).

Ghostface Killah and Flavor Flav
because sometimes you just need to be matching like Santa. and, apparently, keeping Flavor Flav in line (truly a job for Ghostface if there ever was one)

05. line 12: “he bust two shots, i played mice”
one thing about rappers is that they have an intense desire to project machismo all the time; this is why artists don’t, for whatever reason, stand out. now, here we have Ghostface on the run from the assailant’s shots, a perfectly logical move … and he’s man enough to compare his shameless flight from the path of those bullets to frenzied escape of mice. and this is just another part of why Ghost is a championship-caliber rapper: sometimes the most apt phrase doesn’t make you look good.

06. line 13: “ran to the spot where the sun was at, quickly he was blinded by the ice”
one, it’s a clever turn on the whole ‘blinded by the light’ thing; two, if you’re going to brag about the amount of jewels you’re wearing (and yes, i know he already mentioned it), then THIS is the way that you do it: “i’m wearing so many diamonds that light reflecting off them disables even the most motivated of gun-toting henchmen!” only, you know, you do it in a song and not awkwardly like that. also, it helps if you’re a lot cooler than, say, i am.

07. lines 14-15 “that’s when Rae ran out of the back/towel on, soap on his arms, spun duke around, fell on my lap”
what’s nice here is the combination of “Raekwon runs out of the shower, still oblivious to the situation, and ridiculously clad in a towel and a spattering of random soap” and, the way i take it, “Raekwon then abruptly shoots the fuck out of this assailant” … and “then half-dressed Raekwon falls theatrically onto Ghostface.” we get a little slapstick with our action. anyway, maybe Ghostface did all the killing during that blinding sequence and i’ve misread the whole situation, but i think it works either way.

08. lines 17-18: “nah, his blood fucked my white leather up/ten Gs down the drain”
again, when you brag about the money you’ve spent on the clothes you’re wearing (something common to those in the rap industry, we must admit), this the way you do it: “i’ve lost five figures worth of clothes thanks to the timely dispatching of the assailant that i disabled with my many bedazzling jewels just moments before!” but again, i recommend you word it in a manner that makes you sound more like a man.

09. lines 24-25: “Rae ran hysterically, slipped on soap/landed on his back with his gat, now that’s dope”
for one thing, this is what i base my assumption that Raekwon did the shooting of the assailant on, since he’s got his gun and he’s not even dressed, although maybe he just grabbed it. and here we have Ghostface once again emasculating Rae for the sake of the imagery: Rae runs “hysterically,” which is not what you’d expect of a Wu-Gambino; he goes skidding out of control “on soap,” which you’d thought a half-dressed guy fresh from the shower MIGHT have seen coming; and he theatrically slams into the ground like a comedy character (but still manages to hold on to his gun, which IS dope). poor Raekwon.

Ghostface Killah and Raekwon
…and now they’re BOTH matching like Santa

10. line 30: “fuck your socks”
seriously, here’s the deal: if myself and a crime partner are trying to get the fuck out of Dodge after killing a man sent to kill us (which Raekwon will explore in the second verse, but whatever, THIS UPDATE IS NOT ABOUT RAEKWON), then i don’t care if you can’t find your socks before it’s time to leave. we have to get out of here! FUCK YOUR SOCKS. anyway, the man says it better than i could. i’d probably stammer out something shrill about “your socks not being essential.”

11. lines 30-31: “that’s when we heard the door knock/’everything all right?’ ‘partying, sir, balloons popped.’
this, if you could not tell, is Ghostface’s cover story for the actual hotel personnel who’ve come by to check on him. for one thing, that Hilton has AMAZING service. for another, you can’t really be too invested in finding out what’s going on in that room if you settle for “balloons popped” as an explanation for sounds that seem suspiciously like shots being fired and Raekwon (aka The Chef) crashing to the ground while damp and not fully dressed. but then again, i wouldn’t question Ghostface either.

12. line 36: “‘what you want, sweetie?’ ‘lima beans and kidney'”
so at some point during their escape, Ghostface takes a call from his wiz (or wifey or whatever term you prefer, as we all have various regional dilects and slang), which he calmly answers with what he’d like to eat later (Ghost being a man of discriminating tastes and all) before, i suppose, abruptly hanging up his phone on her and proceeding with the escape. is there a better way to indicate what a cool customer you are under pressure? doubtful. wives are very stressful.

13. line 40: “praying that we make it out the ‘telly untouched”
and even after handling such a dramatic situation with aplomb (and success), Ghostface is a realist: who knows what shall await them when they make their way out of the room, down the hall, and so on and so forth? (i also enjoy his use of the term ‘telly’ as an abbreviation for ‘hotel’.) i have a feeling, though, that it’ll all work out. you can’t keep a man like Tony Starks down.

so i hope you enjoyed that, but to be perfectly honest… i sort of don’t really care. that much should have been obvious, i guess. so it goes.

my depiction of Navy SEALs and Under Siege as documentaries appears to be coming true

as the introduction, let me clarify that title. when it comes to the titles, i mostly just try to be cute with them, but this week, it will allow me to tell an anecdote.

so as many of you dudes know, some SEALs killed Bin Laden, and i was discussing this event with some Navy-affiliated gentlemen, and went into this little conversation bit i do about understanding various Navy programs based on having seen various documentaries about the Navy: pilots because i watched Top Gun, SEALs because i watched Navy SEALs and Under Siege … you get the point. it’s funnier in person, i swear; i make a lot of jokes about Maverick and Iceman being emotional and all, which is something very rare in life and ESPECIALLY on the internet.

ANYWAY… guess what happens in the very first story on this list? hint: it’s not me being recognized for my comedic genius, i can tell you that much.

the
crying because he’s sorry … or because he got caught? YOU BE THE JUDGE

pastor bases his stories about his Navy SEAL service on … Under Siege?

one of the things i’ve never understood is people’s desires to actively claim to be turbo-awesome military dudes that they never were; not just exaggerating their stories, mind you, but full-on claiming to have been something like a SEAL or a Green Beret or whatever Chuck Norris was in all those Missing In Action movies, specifically the one where he fights a rat in a bag on his head. which, let me point out, is something NO ONE who hasn’t seen that movie believes happened in a movie. AND YET IT DID.

anyway, so in this story we have ourselves a guy who got himself caught making up stories about being a Navy SEAL, something that must be popular after they just killed Bin Laden (let’s have a token AMERICA FUCK YEAH here). and that in and of itself is pathetic or sad or whatever, but there’s some things going on here i’d like to note:

“When he learned of the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, the Rev. Jim Moats almost got out his old Navy SEAL flag to run up the pole in front of his home in Newville.”

#01: this to me is just weird. to start, most guys i’ve ever known who were professional bad enough dudes to rescue the president (from ninjas, even) aren’t THAT public about it. but let’s overlook that. so you’re a Navy SEAL who’s proud enough to fly a Navy SEAL flag on a flagpole in front of your house … but only when they kill Bin Laden? is this the first time SEALs have done something awesome? shouldn’t you ALWAYS be flying that flag? case in point: my grandfather flies his USMC flag every damn day of the week, as he’s a flag-flying guy. it doesn’t only come out for special occasions.

“Moats was a Navy SEAL four decades ago during the war in Vietnam. Now 59, Moats was a brash athletic 19-year-old from a military family in northern Virginia, who enlisted in 1970. An expert swimmer and high school lifeguard, Moats was put on the road to becoming a SEAL by a commander who asked him to sign up for one of the underwater demolition teams. … Moats underwent SEAL training at Little Creek Amphibious Base in Virginia Beach in summer 1971.”

so i suppose that’s not exactly suspicious – he might really have been 19 in 1970 and/or “brash” – but i have to be honest when i say it smacks of a stereotypical “i was this salty teenager who turned into an AWESOME SEAL story.” but, to be fair, i’m going into this knowing that the guy’s full of shit, so i guess i’m cheating a little.

“Instructors hit SEALs and goaded them to quit. He was subjected to waterboarding, because the Navy knew that’s what the Vietnamese did to SEALs and air crew members who were captured.”

again… i know that this is fake and thus react that way… but “subjected to waterboarding” smacks of “let me reference the AWFUL thing people remember from recent conflicts.” again, i know the dude is bogus and they’ve done forms of waterboarding for decades, so maybe i should just shut up.

“In August 1971, Moats got into a fight in a club. He went from Navy elite to dishwashing as part of a mandated “attitude adjustment.””

…which is absolutely what happened in Under Siege, where Seagal was the most awesome SEAL/ninja/whatever of all time until he was busted down to cook for some reason (probably being too awesome) and then there was the whole complication “some admiral kept me around so i could fight Tommy Lee Jones.” i presume this pastor would have claimed to have freed a captured aircraft carrier from rogue CIA agents if it wasn’t so blatant.

“Moats soon after rededicated his life to God. He could have gone back to the SEALs but decided to commit the rest of his Navy time to less-intense duty allowing him to focus on preparing for the ministry.”

HOW CONVENIENT. but here’s the kicker…

“Moats said there wasn’t anything about being a SEAL that prevented him from pursuing his faith. He just felt he didn’t have “the inner discipline” to do both at the same time. He got out of the Navy in 1974 and went to Bob Jones University in South Carolina. He became pastor of the Newville church five years ago.”

so he couldn’t go back to being a SEAL after his dishwashing conversion … but he was in the Navy for about three more years? couldn’t he have stayed a SEAL for that time? and honestly, if you enlisted in SEAL training in 1971… and stopped being a SEAL in 1971… you weren’t a SEAL. it takes something like 30 months to become a SEAL. you were at best another Navy guy who tried and failed to become a SEAL. so why are you flying a SEAL flag in your yard?

“Today you might never know Moats was ever a SEAL unless you saw a plaque in his office.”

…and displaying a SEAL plaque in your office?

the article then went on to talk about an actual SEAL who seems to be saying “of course you didn’t know this guy was a SEAL, they don’t brag,” but in retrospect might be hinting at the fact that Moats was full of shit. and, predictably, this guy got busted within 24 hours:

“Moats came to the newspaper office and acknowledged in an interview Sunday that he never was offered SEALS training in the Navy and that he never was accepted into the program, let alone completed it. “I never was in a class, I never served as an actual SEAL. It was my dream. … I don’t even know if I would have met the qualifications. I never knew what the qualifications were,” Moats said.”

see, i guess the part i don’t understand is why you’d even run with something like this. say you’re a pastor who’s hinted to your flock that you were a SEAL or a Delta Force guy or whatever, and a newspaper reporter comes to you and asks if you’d talk about it. you know what your out is? “i’d prefer not to discuss it, and i’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t mention it in your paper. us SEALs don’t like that publicity.” see how easy that is, you fucking glory hounds?

“Don Shipley, a retired SEAL who lives in Chesapeake, VA … called Moats on Saturday night to confront him about the issue. “We deal with these guys all the time, especially the clergy. It’s amazing how many of the clergy are involved in those lies to build that flock up” … Shipley said Moats’ story about being re-assigned to kitchen duty and about being waterboarded were lifted from the Steven Seagal movie “Under Siege,” while his reference to being hit by SEAL instructors was vintage “GI Jane.””

so basically, the only thing he DIDN’T rip off in order to create his 100% awesome back story was the hard-hitting documentary “Navy SEALs,” featuring real American heroes Charlie Sheen and Michael Biehn back when they were SEALS, before they got into acting.

tangent: you know what must suck about being a SEAL? you’re one of the most elite military personnel in the world; you have few peers even in your own country, and they’re all bad-ass guys … and yet every single movie about you SUCKS. let’s look at the short list:

-as we’ve discussed, Under Siege, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, GI Jane and Navy SEALs sucked hardcore;
-the Pacifier (awful), xXx (awful), xXx: State of the Union (AWFUL) and S.W.A.T. (god-awful) all featured main characters who supposed were once SEALs, which is just insulting;
-Michael Biehn, who constantly leads SEAL teams in movies, also led them in the Rock (which is flashy but fucking terrible) and the Abyss, which is a decent movie, but also features the head SEAL (Biehn) losing his goddamn mind when confronted with “stress” and “mysteries” and “water,” something that’s not a good look for a SEAL;
-Tears Of The Sun, i guess, remains the best of the lot. wow.

“So how did Moats’ story develop? Moats had a plaque on his office wall that honors SEALs and other Navy special-operations units. Moats said his two sons, who were in the Army and served in Iraq together, made the plaque for him. Moats’ name doesn’t appear on the plaque, but when church members got the impression from it that Moats had been a SEAL, Moats didn’t deny it. From there, the word spread, and Mats did nothing to correct the record.”

so first off, you’re a scumbag for correcting the record. listen, it’s not complicated: when asked if you were a SEAL, you say, “no, sorry, i was just in the Navy.” but you know what else? i don’t believe that’s the origin of the plaque. you were in the Navy doing nothing, so your sons make you a plaque celebrating SEALs? that dog don’t hunt. also, PROVE THESE SONS EXIST.

“Moats said his wife and his two sons, Jamie and Jonathan, knew that he was never a SEAL. Moats said one of his sons called him after seeing the published story to ask why he would tell the world he was a SEAL when he wasn’t.”

ha, awesome. okay, i believe the sons exist.

“He said he wore the Trident once on his civilian suit at a public gathering. He said he told the group that the Trident wasn’t about him but was meant as a memorial to all SEALs, in the same way that Moats said he has worn his sons’ Army pins to honor their service.”

and that’s absolute crap. if you’re in the Army and you wear an Army pin, that makes sense. if you’ve got sons in the Army and you wear an Army pin, that makes sense. anyone asking you about it (“you were in the Army?”) can EASILY be told the truth. but wearing the trident as a “memorial?” bullshit. that’s you wanting the whiff of being a SEAL and trying to run with it.

so now he’s made a passing reference to it to his congregation (he didn’t want to “dwell on it” because it was Mother’s Day or some bullshit like that) and we have to note that this wasn’t just some fat asshole selling “SEAL training” or trying to fuck misguided 16-year-old girls, this was a PRIEST. way to keep it classy, father.

“Shipley said he deals with people like Moats all the time. There are two reasons why men lie about military service, Shipley said. One is trying to pick up a woman at a bar. Moats falls into the second category, Shipley said. “He has mental problems, plain and simple. His wife and friends and flock believe it, and he starts believing it himself. That is not an excuse. The pastor is very aware of what he did,” Shipley said … “I think just having his ass spanked is enough for him that he won’t do it again any longer.””

also…. SEALs are awesome.

El Monstruo
“El Monstruo” is Spanish for “this is a truck janklow would totally build, you guys”

‘El Monstruo’: the cartels have a tank

now, i know a) i am linking to a Spanish-language website even though b) i cannot read Spanish and c) it is very likely that the three dudes who read this website can also note read Spanish. the internet, she is a cruel mistress sometimes. anyway, i’m just going to quote the Spanish stuff as translated to me by Google language tools because of the awesomeness contained inside it that i fear might be lost if i were to secretly rely on English-language articles to know what’s going on:

“The Mexican Army conducted an action last week in Ciudad Mier, Tamaulipas, where he managed to seize another Monster of Los Zetas, the 2011 model is made of metal, also shows changes in style compared to previous models, these that have been mapped by military forces.”

or, in other words, apparently the cartels down there are making tanks (and man am i waiting to hear how they’re actually buying them from gun shops in the southwestern US or something). the actual crazy part about this (although it’s probably not that crazy to anyone running a blog entirely devoted to narco cartels) is not that they seized a tank, but that they seized “ANOTHER Monster of Los Zetas” and identified it as “the 2011 model.” Mexico may be even more ridiculous than expected, which is saying something.

“The Monster 2011, did not show any bullet in his body to be seized, but the flat tires, obvious failure of the new design.”

…although i have to be honest, i expected better from the cartels than to say, “hey, armor the living fuck about of this vehicle for Road Warrior-style drug wars, but, sure, worry about the exposed tires later.” my grandmother would scold them for their laziness if it wasn’t more likely that she’d get into some kind of ridiculous old-lady-style gunfight with them.

“Sources say the new model could run up to 110 kilometers per hour, beating its predecessor, the Monster 2010, which ran only 40 kilometers per hour, thus showing the improvement in technology, further state that the vehicle’s interior is spacious with capacity up to 12 members of Los Zetas.”

sources say that “the vehicle’s interior is spacious?” who exactly is the target market for these Monsters? “well, yeah, we’re mostly selling them to drug kingpins who want to drive over the corpses of their enemies as they attempt to flee from the blazing rifles and bone-crushing drive-trains of their Monsters … but yeah, you could seat an extended family of twelve in there! it’s got the most spacious interior!”

although, would i purchase this if i had that kind of disposal income? i think we all know the answer to that question. (and if you don’t, the answer is “abso-fucking-lutely.”)

and that brings me to the first thing i thought about when i read this: could i build one of these things for myself? and if so… how ridiculous would that be? you pick up some old military surplus truck, you get yourself some sheet metal, and you’re good to go, right? let me admit this: once, i read about a drug gang from the Bahamas getting taken down by their government, and the main thing i got from THAT article was, “i personally have more guns than an entire drug gang from the Bahamas.”

now, i obviously don’t have the guns (or the manpower) of a Mexican drug cartel, no matter HOW low on the totem pole that cartel might be. but could i match them in terms of “monsters?” i should also admit that i ask myself this questions whenever i see any kind of technical on the news; pictures from Libya are SO ridiculously tempting, although i admittedly have no access to machine guns, recoilless rifles, or even those “we took a rocket pod off a plane and made it into a vehicle-mounted weapon” things they have. still, a man can dream…

“There are reports indicating the existence of more models of the Monster 2011, with a greater presence in the state of Tamaulipas.”

like they’re the Bigfoot! or, i guess, since we’re talking about Mexico, the Chupacabra.

i’d like to further point out, in an ultimate bit of turbo-nerd behavior, that i picture the above title (“‘El Monstruo’: the cartels have a tank”) as being spoken by Sean Bean in the same hushed tones he warned the others about that cave troll in that Lord of the Rings movie. it really was the best of those movies! and Sean Bean is excellent!

man RESCUED from living on top of Waffle House
LITERALLY THE MOST EXCITING THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN GEORGIA OH MY GOD

man found living on top of Waffle House

some stories are literally never going to get any better than their title (or, if you prefer, their concise one-sentence description): you might get more information, you might get some closure, whatever, but things are never going to get better. man found living on top of Waffle House? who is this man, why is he living there, why is that even allowed … right now, we can dream beautiful dreams about who this man could be and what’s happened in his life to lower him to a life of roof-living. but when the facts come out, it’ll all be gone:

“It appears someone took the “House” in Waffle House a little too literally. At the Gordon Highway location, crews were called in after reports that a man was making the roof his home.”

first off, a lame joke is absolutely no way to start any kind of news article; just because it’s about a guy living on a Waffle House doesn’t make that nonsense funny, you jackass! second, it’s factually inaccurate in that the dude wasn’t actually living IN the Waffle House. that’s right, i am going to use my powers of intense anal-retentiveness to ruin your crappy jokes, Mark Rosen! and then everyone will be staring at us and realizing how neither of us is funny at all and maybe we’d better just move on to the next part of the article…

“He was spotted by an air conditioner repairman. Cops and firefighters were called in to help the man down.”

two questions spring to mind:
01. how is it that no one who worked at (or owned or whatever) the Waffle House was the guy to notice the man? you can’t detect the fact that there’s a mystery dude on your roof?
02. so i understand calling firefighters, because they have that truck with the ladder and thus man-rescuing abilities. totally makes sense. but what exactly are the police doing to “help the man down?”

“Crews weren’t sure how long he’d been up there, or even how he got up there. Someone shared their cell phone video with our crews.”

as this is written by, theoretically, a news reporter, let me restate it to be more insulting: “we have no idea who this guy is or what he was doing, and we took some random dude’s cell phone video instead of making our own with news equipment, which allowed us to do some additional bong hits in the news van before heading back to base.”

“James Mayle, when asked if he’d seen anything like, said “No, you never expect anything like this, a person on top of the roof at a Waffle house? No, never that.”

first, totally professional news guys, the name of the restaurant is Waffle House. you capitalize House; it’s not just a random house where this Mayle character found some waffles. and second, i’m sure this was a fairly unique event … but are we really acting like it’s the most unbelievable, inexplicable event to happen in Georgia ever, or at least during the lifetime of James Mayle? come on, now.

also, i love the fact that Waffle House abbreviates their name WAHO. that’s absolutely unprofessional.

so that’s all for this week… and while i have already got something ready to go for next week (which should shock our regular re- eh, J.Miles, i guess), i’m not sure anyone (err, J.Miles) will want to read it, although it’s entirely ridiculous. i don’t even know what i was thinking!

let’s be 113% clear: MOROCCAN IS NOT A PERSON’S NAME

pointless background story in lieu of a forced introduction: there was something else i was going to cover in this post, because the other day the Irishman and i were debating some topics (and prepare to see yourselves a “best/worst Final Fantasy characters” nerd-bombing in the near future, cats and kittens), and there was SOMETHING that he mentioned and i was dismissive of and he mentioned again and i said, “eh, fine, i can put it in an update.” only right now, we can’t remember what the hell it was.

now, is it possible it’s one of the below stories and i’ve forgotten that i’ve remember that? maybe, only it would have to be story #01 only, and i honestly don’t think that’s what we were debating. it’s possible, of course, just unlikely. anyway, there’s some ranting to get to, so let’s get right to it:

America's Twitter-using teenagers
when i need to force myself to vomit, i don’t use any chemicals, i just see what America’s youth is up to on the internet

apparently, America’s Twitter-using teenagers aren’t sure why this Osama bin Laden guy is a big deal

so let it never be said that i don’t enjoy ripping on the current generation of youth infesting my malls and … uh … wherever it is the goddamn youth hang out with their “rock and/or roll music” and their flagrant hairstyles. NEVER LET THAT BE SAID. i absolutely love ripping on the youth, especially on the internet where they can’t get to me. when you’re a tiny man who’s always at risk of being beaten up by a swarm of fourth-graders, you fight these fights on your own terms.

so now, in the wake of all the AMERICA FUCK YEAH engendered by the killing of one Usama Bin Laden, we have this ultimately depressing article:

“Apparently, America’s Twitter-using teenagers aren’t sure why this Osama bin Laden guy is a big deal … (picture of America’s Twitter-using teenagers failing at life goes here) … These results were drawn from Yahoo search (which, apparently, still exists), and the good folks at Yahoo offer a little context:

On Yahoo!, 1 in 3 searches for “how did osama bin laden die” on Sunday were from teens ages 13-17.
According to Yahoo!, 40% of searches on Sunday for “who killed osama bin laden” were from people ages 13-20.
However, it seems teens ages 13-17 were seeking more information as they made up 66% of searches for “who is osama bin laden?””

now, let’s start with a fair point: “how did Osama Bin Laden die” is a completely fair question to ask considering that the story WAS news and the details were fresh and/or changing. no hate there; it’s a legitimate question and i’m honestly not sure why it matters.

however, the main point: teens 13-17 have no idea who Usama is? because i know 2001 was SUCH a long time ago (really, more and more i feel i have no normal conception of the passing of time, because it doesn’t feel that way to me) … but some of these kids were six or seven, and thus grew up over years when Osama DID get mentioned a lot. so rather than give them a pass because they’re young (well, okay, teens age 13 can have a pass), i’m going to be entirely disgusted by their lack of minimal knowledge about world events.

“At first glance, this looks insane, but there are a few plausible explanations. If you are between the ages of 13 and 17 today, then you were either a toddler or a very young child on 9/11. For the oldest kids in the group, the 2008 presidential election was likely the first major event of their political lives, and bin Laden wasn’t a huge concern for either candidate.”

you mean to tell me that the war in Afghanistan, the war started directly BECAUSE of Bin Laden’s attack on NYC and the Pentagon on 9.11, wasn’t a huge concern for either candidate? because call me an “older kid,” but i remember an election wherein the war in Afghanistan and the related prisoners in Guantanamo Bay were some large issue that Obama campaigned on. was that just me?

“Nerdier kids might have been interested in the 2006 election, but even then, Iraq was the main topic of conversation.”

ah, yes, let’s dismiss the kids who gave a fuck about the election in 2006 as “nerdier,” since god forbid they give a damn about the political system that helps choose the chief executive in the country IN WHICH A LOT OF THESE IDIOT KIDS LIVE. nerdier? plus, yeah, Iraq was the “main topic of conversation,” but remember how we talked about al-Qaeda in Iraq? remember who started this whole al-Qaeda thing? remember this attack they had on… oh yeah.

“Still, it’s sobering; not because it reveals anything profound about our educational system or the attacks on 9/11, but because it points to an absolute truth: for each generation, America is a very different place, and the America we lost on 9/11 — the America that didn’t profile citizens, torture people, or monitor their phone calls — isn’t even a distant memory for the children and teenagers of today’s America.”

honestly, you know what was most sobering for me about this article? not the stupidity or obliviousness of the young, because i could detail THAT for you without writing an article. no, that would be the heavy basis for this article on the Yahoo search engine. really, Yahoo? listen, i own stock in those guys (full internet blogger disclosure: i own some miniscule amount of Yahoo stock i got for free somehow that’s worth nothing), and i had no idea that enough people used Yahoo to make them a relevant part of any socio-political discussions.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon, for some reason
any kids produced from this union will have enough problems to deal with; let’s not burden them further if we can help it

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon reveal baby names

so this is not normally the kind of “article” i like to rip on, because it’s not “wacky local news” from somewhere in America that a bear is going out of control in, and it’s not “real news” that discusses a serious topic or event or something (even “real news” like that whole “funemployment” thing that made me go berserk). it’s fucking CELEBRITY news.

and then, when you go beyond that, while i have made some mean jokes in my time (for example, today, as in the day that i am writing this, not whenever you read this, i had a string of jokes that, i must say, were 100% hilarious but absolutely the kind that send you to hell), i try not to pick on the lowest-hanging fruit. i like to make a little effort. making fun of Mariah Carey, who has spent a LOT of time making fun of herself? i’m not making an Eminem song over here. but then… this happened:

“Mariah Carey and her husband Nick Cannon have finally revealed the names of their twins who were born in Los Angeles on Saturday.”

not that outrageous, i must admit. but don’t worry, because there’s no way Mariah Carey is going to do ANYTHING that’s not in danger of going insane at a moment’s notice.

“Their son is named Moroccan Scott Cannon, with the nickname “Roc”. Scott is Nick’s middle name, as well as his grandmother’s maiden name.”

yes… MOROCCAN. first off, that’s not a name. second, i don’t want to hear, “but, but, other celebrities give THEIR kids non-name names,” because that’s true and yet, still fucking objectionable in the extreme. MOROCCAN IS NOT A NAME. third, and more subtle, i strongly disagree with giving a kid a name AND a nickname. if you want to call him Roc, call him Roc Scott Cannon (awful name, but whatever) and be done with it. if you want to call him “Moroccan” (which is an adjective, NOT A NAME), then just call him fucking Moroccan. which you already have, you morons.

“The top tier of Mariah’s New York City apartment is called the Moroccan Room, because of the Moroccan-inspired decor. It’s also the place where Nick proposed to his wife, overlooking Manhattan!”

ah… it gets better. because now this kid is going to grow up and learn that his certifiably-insane mother and overly-dramatic (although, ironically enough, not in the way that makes him a good actor) father have named him “Moroccan” (NOT A NAME) after not the country, or any ethnic heritage of either Cannon or Carey, but after the fucking DECOR in Carey’s apartment. “oh, i thought Moroccan rugs would be nice, and then i thought, why not name a kid after these rugs?”

“Their daughter’s name is Monroe Cannon. Mariah’s rep says she does not have a middle name because Mariah herself does not have one. Monroe was named after Marilyn Monroe, who has been an inspiration to Mariah her whole life.”

ah, no wonder Mariah Carey has problems: her inspiration is a drug-addled blonde who slept her way through Hollywood, the White House and, apparently, a variety of organized criminals, with the latter POSSIBLY filming her in some despicably incriminating situations (as in, yes, they absolutely did this, no possibly about it), who THEN killed herself (or got herself killed) in a massive orgy (not literal) of depression and drug-taking. a story so inspiration that you HAVE to name your kids after it! except for the ones you’re naming after your rugs.

“Mariah’s rep, Cindi Berger, tells CNN, “It has been a long, emotional journey for this family, and I couldn’t be happier for all of them.””

one word that’s certainly true here is “emotional.” and when there’s a future Melendez-style murder where Moroccan pumps shotgun round after shotgun round into Mariah and Nick’s faces while screaming, “YOU NAMED ME AFTER THE RUGS! THE RUGS! AND YOU… YOU LET HER DO IT!” … i want everyone to remember that that trial will also fit the description of a “long, emotional journey.” christ, people, just name your kids “Nick Junior” and whatever girl name is popular and be done with it. although the latter’s probably still “Isabella,” so maybe we don’t do that either.


man high on bath salts kills neighbor’s goat, police say

and then sometimes we have stories that hit a handful of topics we’ve covered here and made many a joke about, which are often tragic because we love to make jokes about so many things. still, i have this hope that such a story can maybe, just maybe, be so ridiculous as to overshadow all the bad things contained in it. shall we give it a try?

“Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor’s pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal, said Lt. Bryan Stover of the Kanawha County Sheriff’s Department.”

well, right off the bat, we’ve got some choice topics beloved by us here at house of hate:
#01: men high on “bath salts,” which i still don’t understand, even though i guess they’re not really the kind of bath salts middle-aged women use for a soak in the tub;
#02: events involving goats, animals which rank up there with bears and elephants on the list of “animals whose every story in the news i consider to be breaking news,” a point i legitimately made in defense of my “bear story obsession” just days ago;
#03: people randomly attacking animals for no good reason, although it’s a pygmy goat, not a police horse or a baby cow; and…
#04: men found disheveled and incoherent for mysterious reasons. in this case, however, it’s just some guy, and not a football player who may or may not have been in a ditch or a canal. or a fjord.

and that’s just ONE SENTENCE into the article!

“Mark Thompson, 19, of Greenview Road, is charged with animal cruelty after police got a call from a woman who said he stole her goat at about 3:15 a.m. Monday, Stover said.”

now, to be honest, when a story starts like this, i often assume we’re going to a variant of that guy who simply would not stop breaking into that woman’s barn and having sex with her horse. there really aren’t a lot of reasons for someone to steal someone else’s goat. and then we find out the goat was a pet for a four-year-old and that’s just even more sad. goats are excellent! people should not mess around with other people’s cool goats!

anyway, so people go looking for this goat because that’s the kind of thing you do down south when a goat’s gone missing: round up the (three-man) posse:

“Pollis and two women walked into Thompson’s house looking for the goat, according to the criminal complaint filed in Kanawha County Magistrate Court. The three entered the house and made their way to Thompson’s bedroom door when Thompson spoke to them, Powers said. “He told them, ‘Don’t come in, I’m naked,'” Powers said…”

…which remains something you do NOT want to hear when you’re searching a man’s house for a goat…

“”But they opened the door and he was standing there with his pants down. He had on women’s clothing and the goat was dead and there was blood everywhere. It was just a scene.” Thompson ran out the front door when Pollis asked him about the dead goat in his room, according to the complaint.”

well, when you’re found standing in a room filled with blood and a dead goat (by a relative of the goat’s owner, no less), and you’re in women’s clothing (for reasons that probably don’t make any more sense than the reasons why you’re in the room filled with blood and a dead goat), there’s really only two options:
01. start lying your ass off about how the goat was coming right for you and, i guess, headbutted you into a rack of women’s clothing SO HARD that all the clothes exploded onto your body;
02. run the fuck out of the house and make for the woods.

so i guess Thompson opted for option 02. still, why did this happen? dead goat? women’s clothes?

“Police got a search warrant for the house, and searched the woods for Thompson. They found him several hours later. Thompson allegedly told police he was on bath salts for about three days.”

ah, yes, the bath salts. those things always guarantee us a CRAZY news article.

“When police entered the house they found fresh blood near the front door of the bedroom and in Thompson’s bedroom to the right of the front door. Inside the bedroom police found the small gray and white goat wearing a pink collar lying dead on the floor, blood coming from its neck, according to the complaint. There was a pornographic magazine photo laying a few feet from the goat, the complaint states.”

because when you’re in the business of killing someone else’s pet goat (and hopefully not also purchasing it a pink collar), you’ve simply GOT to have some pornography in the mix, right? and actually, at this point i don’t think we’ve established that he DIDN’T have sex with the goat.

“”We know the animal had at least one stab wound,” said Cpl. Sean Snuffer, a detective with the Sheriff’s Department. “They are also searching for signs of sexual trauma.””

and this has to be the worst job ever. you’re some medical examiner in South Carolina, and in walks a police officer with a oddly-shaped plastic bag that he sets down on your exam table … and when you open it, you find he’s carried in the bloody carcass of someone’s pet pygmy goat … and then the officer looks at you and says, “we need you to check out this goat for signs of sexual trauma.”

that’s when i, if i’m this medical examiner, just fucking quit. throw the gloves down, and roll out.

“Police are continuing their investigation. Thompson was arraigned Monday afternoon and taken into custody by Adult Protective Services.”

honestly, i’m not sure that’s necessary, for two reasons:

“Snuffer said the people in the community where Thompson lives told police they have been concerned about his mental health. … “[Thompson] stole the communion wine and went out the downstairs door” … “He runs through the woods, screaming and cursing and hitting things. What scared me was I didn’t want him to hurt one of my grandchildren.””

01. it seems pretty well established that this Thompson character is absolutely crazy enough to have perpetrated the SO RANDOM murder of someone else’s pet goat, and:

“She said police have been diligent in their investigation. “They tried to find fingerprints on the chain the goat was tied to,” she said.”

02. the goat WAS found in a pool of blood inside the guy’s house. is it really THAT mysterious that someone on a jury is saying, “well, i think he PROBABLY did it, but in the absence of fingerprints, i’m acquitting that guy?”

and also, now that i think about it… that story where that guy would not stop breaking into that woman’s barn and having sex with her horse ALSO took place in South Carolina. make a note, loyal readers: NEVER GO TO SOUTH CAROLINA.