pointless background story in lieu of a forced introduction: there was something else i was going to cover in this post, because the other day the Irishman and i were debating some topics (and prepare to see yourselves a “best/worst Final Fantasy characters” nerd-bombing in the near future, cats and kittens), and there was SOMETHING that he mentioned and i was dismissive of and he mentioned again and i said, “eh, fine, i can put it in an update.” only right now, we can’t remember what the hell it was.
now, is it possible it’s one of the below stories and i’ve forgotten that i’ve remember that? maybe, only it would have to be story #01 only, and i honestly don’t think that’s what we were debating. it’s possible, of course, just unlikely. anyway, there’s some ranting to get to, so let’s get right to it:
when i need to force myself to vomit, i don’t use any chemicals, i just see what America’s youth is up to on the internet
so let it never be said that i don’t enjoy ripping on the current generation of youth infesting my malls and … uh … wherever it is the goddamn youth hang out with their “rock and/or roll music” and their flagrant hairstyles. NEVER LET THAT BE SAID. i absolutely love ripping on the youth, especially on the internet where they can’t get to me. when you’re a tiny man who’s always at risk of being beaten up by a swarm of fourth-graders, you fight these fights on your own terms.
so now, in the wake of all the AMERICA FUCK YEAH engendered by the killing of one Usama Bin Laden, we have this ultimately depressing article:
“Apparently, America’s Twitter-using teenagers aren’t sure why this Osama bin Laden guy is a big deal … (picture of America’s Twitter-using teenagers failing at life goes here) … These results were drawn from Yahoo search (which, apparently, still exists), and the good folks at Yahoo offer a little context:
On Yahoo!, 1 in 3 searches for “how did osama bin laden die” on Sunday were from teens ages 13-17.
According to Yahoo!, 40% of searches on Sunday for “who killed osama bin laden” were from people ages 13-20.
However, it seems teens ages 13-17 were seeking more information as they made up 66% of searches for “who is osama bin laden?””
now, let’s start with a fair point: “how did Osama Bin Laden die” is a completely fair question to ask considering that the story WAS news and the details were fresh and/or changing. no hate there; it’s a legitimate question and i’m honestly not sure why it matters.
however, the main point: teens 13-17 have no idea who Usama is? because i know 2001 was SUCH a long time ago (really, more and more i feel i have no normal conception of the passing of time, because it doesn’t feel that way to me) … but some of these kids were six or seven, and thus grew up over years when Osama DID get mentioned a lot. so rather than give them a pass because they’re young (well, okay, teens age 13 can have a pass), i’m going to be entirely disgusted by their lack of minimal knowledge about world events.
“At first glance, this looks insane, but there are a few plausible explanations. If you are between the ages of 13 and 17 today, then you were either a toddler or a very young child on 9/11. For the oldest kids in the group, the 2008 presidential election was likely the first major event of their political lives, and bin Laden wasn’t a huge concern for either candidate.”
you mean to tell me that the war in Afghanistan, the war started directly BECAUSE of Bin Laden’s attack on NYC and the Pentagon on 9.11, wasn’t a huge concern for either candidate? because call me an “older kid,” but i remember an election wherein the war in Afghanistan and the related prisoners in Guantanamo Bay were some large issue that Obama campaigned on. was that just me?
“Nerdier kids might have been interested in the 2006 election, but even then, Iraq was the main topic of conversation.”
ah, yes, let’s dismiss the kids who gave a fuck about the election in 2006 as “nerdier,” since god forbid they give a damn about the political system that helps choose the chief executive in the country IN WHICH A LOT OF THESE IDIOT KIDS LIVE. nerdier? plus, yeah, Iraq was the “main topic of conversation,” but remember how we talked about al-Qaeda in Iraq? remember who started this whole al-Qaeda thing? remember this attack they had on… oh yeah.
“Still, it’s sobering; not because it reveals anything profound about our educational system or the attacks on 9/11, but because it points to an absolute truth: for each generation, America is a very different place, and the America we lost on 9/11 — the America that didn’t profile citizens, torture people, or monitor their phone calls — isn’t even a distant memory for the children and teenagers of today’s America.”
honestly, you know what was most sobering for me about this article? not the stupidity or obliviousness of the young, because i could detail THAT for you without writing an article. no, that would be the heavy basis for this article on the Yahoo search engine. really, Yahoo? listen, i own stock in those guys (full internet blogger disclosure: i own some miniscule amount of Yahoo stock i got for free somehow that’s worth nothing), and i had no idea that enough people used Yahoo to make them a relevant part of any socio-political discussions.
any kids produced from this union will have enough problems to deal with; let’s not burden them further if we can help it
so this is not normally the kind of “article” i like to rip on, because it’s not “wacky local news” from somewhere in America that a bear is going out of control in, and it’s not “real news” that discusses a serious topic or event or something (even “real news” like that whole “funemployment” thing that made me go berserk). it’s fucking CELEBRITY news.
and then, when you go beyond that, while i have made some mean jokes in my time (for example, today, as in the day that i am writing this, not whenever you read this, i had a string of jokes that, i must say, were 100% hilarious but absolutely the kind that send you to hell), i try not to pick on the lowest-hanging fruit. i like to make a little effort. making fun of Mariah Carey, who has spent a LOT of time making fun of herself? i’m not making an Eminem song over here. but then… this happened:
“Mariah Carey and her husband Nick Cannon have finally revealed the names of their twins who were born in Los Angeles on Saturday.”
not that outrageous, i must admit. but don’t worry, because there’s no way Mariah Carey is going to do ANYTHING that’s not in danger of going insane at a moment’s notice.
“Their son is named Moroccan Scott Cannon, with the nickname “Roc”. Scott is Nick’s middle name, as well as his grandmother’s maiden name.”
yes… MOROCCAN. first off, that’s not a name. second, i don’t want to hear, “but, but, other celebrities give THEIR kids non-name names,” because that’s true and yet, still fucking objectionable in the extreme. MOROCCAN IS NOT A NAME. third, and more subtle, i strongly disagree with giving a kid a name AND a nickname. if you want to call him Roc, call him Roc Scott Cannon (awful name, but whatever) and be done with it. if you want to call him “Moroccan” (which is an adjective, NOT A NAME), then just call him fucking Moroccan. which you already have, you morons.
“The top tier of Mariah’s New York City apartment is called the Moroccan Room, because of the Moroccan-inspired decor. It’s also the place where Nick proposed to his wife, overlooking Manhattan!”
ah… it gets better. because now this kid is going to grow up and learn that his certifiably-insane mother and overly-dramatic (although, ironically enough, not in the way that makes him a good actor) father have named him “Moroccan” (NOT A NAME) after not the country, or any ethnic heritage of either Cannon or Carey, but after the fucking DECOR in Carey’s apartment. “oh, i thought Moroccan rugs would be nice, and then i thought, why not name a kid after these rugs?”
“Their daughter’s name is Monroe Cannon. Mariah’s rep says she does not have a middle name because Mariah herself does not have one. Monroe was named after Marilyn Monroe, who has been an inspiration to Mariah her whole life.”
ah, no wonder Mariah Carey has problems: her inspiration is a drug-addled blonde who slept her way through Hollywood, the White House and, apparently, a variety of organized criminals, with the latter POSSIBLY filming her in some despicably incriminating situations (as in, yes, they absolutely did this, no possibly about it), who THEN killed herself (or got herself killed) in a massive orgy (not literal) of depression and drug-taking. a story so inspiration that you HAVE to name your kids after it! except for the ones you’re naming after your rugs.
“Mariah’s rep, Cindi Berger, tells CNN, “It has been a long, emotional journey for this family, and I couldn’t be happier for all of them.””
one word that’s certainly true here is “emotional.” and when there’s a future Melendez-style murder where Moroccan pumps shotgun round after shotgun round into Mariah and Nick’s faces while screaming, “YOU NAMED ME AFTER THE RUGS! THE RUGS! AND YOU… YOU LET HER DO IT!” … i want everyone to remember that that trial will also fit the description of a “long, emotional journey.” christ, people, just name your kids “Nick Junior” and whatever girl name is popular and be done with it. although the latter’s probably still “Isabella,” so maybe we don’t do that either.
and then sometimes we have stories that hit a handful of topics we’ve covered here and made many a joke about, which are often tragic because we love to make jokes about so many things. still, i have this hope that such a story can maybe, just maybe, be so ridiculous as to overshadow all the bad things contained in it. shall we give it a try?
“Police say an Alum Creek man high on bath salts killed his neighbor’s pygmy goat and that neighbors found him in his bedroom, dressed in a bra and panties, next to the dead animal, said Lt. Bryan Stover of the Kanawha County Sheriff’s Department.”
well, right off the bat, we’ve got some choice topics beloved by us here at house of hate:
#01: men high on “bath salts,” which i still don’t understand, even though i guess they’re not really the kind of bath salts middle-aged women use for a soak in the tub;
#02: events involving goats, animals which rank up there with bears and elephants on the list of “animals whose every story in the news i consider to be breaking news,” a point i legitimately made in defense of my “bear story obsession” just days ago;
#03: people randomly attacking animals for no good reason, although it’s a pygmy goat, not a police horse or a baby cow; and…
#04: men found disheveled and incoherent for mysterious reasons. in this case, however, it’s just some guy, and not a football player who may or may not have been in a ditch or a canal. or a fjord.
and that’s just ONE SENTENCE into the article!
“Mark Thompson, 19, of Greenview Road, is charged with animal cruelty after police got a call from a woman who said he stole her goat at about 3:15 a.m. Monday, Stover said.”
now, to be honest, when a story starts like this, i often assume we’re going to a variant of that guy who simply would not stop breaking into that woman’s barn and having sex with her horse. there really aren’t a lot of reasons for someone to steal someone else’s goat. and then we find out the goat was a pet for a four-year-old and that’s just even more sad. goats are excellent! people should not mess around with other people’s cool goats!
anyway, so people go looking for this goat because that’s the kind of thing you do down south when a goat’s gone missing: round up the (three-man) posse:
“Pollis and two women walked into Thompson’s house looking for the goat, according to the criminal complaint filed in Kanawha County Magistrate Court. The three entered the house and made their way to Thompson’s bedroom door when Thompson spoke to them, Powers said. “He told them, ‘Don’t come in, I’m naked,'” Powers said…”
…which remains something you do NOT want to hear when you’re searching a man’s house for a goat…
“”But they opened the door and he was standing there with his pants down. He had on women’s clothing and the goat was dead and there was blood everywhere. It was just a scene.” Thompson ran out the front door when Pollis asked him about the dead goat in his room, according to the complaint.”
well, when you’re found standing in a room filled with blood and a dead goat (by a relative of the goat’s owner, no less), and you’re in women’s clothing (for reasons that probably don’t make any more sense than the reasons why you’re in the room filled with blood and a dead goat), there’s really only two options:
01. start lying your ass off about how the goat was coming right for you and, i guess, headbutted you into a rack of women’s clothing SO HARD that all the clothes exploded onto your body;
02. run the fuck out of the house and make for the woods.
so i guess Thompson opted for option 02. still, why did this happen? dead goat? women’s clothes?
“Police got a search warrant for the house, and searched the woods for Thompson. They found him several hours later. Thompson allegedly told police he was on bath salts for about three days.”
ah, yes, the bath salts. those things always guarantee us a CRAZY news article.
“When police entered the house they found fresh blood near the front door of the bedroom and in Thompson’s bedroom to the right of the front door. Inside the bedroom police found the small gray and white goat wearing a pink collar lying dead on the floor, blood coming from its neck, according to the complaint. There was a pornographic magazine photo laying a few feet from the goat, the complaint states.”
because when you’re in the business of killing someone else’s pet goat (and hopefully not also purchasing it a pink collar), you’ve simply GOT to have some pornography in the mix, right? and actually, at this point i don’t think we’ve established that he DIDN’T have sex with the goat.
“”We know the animal had at least one stab wound,” said Cpl. Sean Snuffer, a detective with the Sheriff’s Department. “They are also searching for signs of sexual trauma.””
and this has to be the worst job ever. you’re some medical examiner in South Carolina, and in walks a police officer with a oddly-shaped plastic bag that he sets down on your exam table … and when you open it, you find he’s carried in the bloody carcass of someone’s pet pygmy goat … and then the officer looks at you and says, “we need you to check out this goat for signs of sexual trauma.”
that’s when i, if i’m this medical examiner, just fucking quit. throw the gloves down, and roll out.
“Police are continuing their investigation. Thompson was arraigned Monday afternoon and taken into custody by Adult Protective Services.”
honestly, i’m not sure that’s necessary, for two reasons:
“Snuffer said the people in the community where Thompson lives told police they have been concerned about his mental health. … “[Thompson] stole the communion wine and went out the downstairs door” … “He runs through the woods, screaming and cursing and hitting things. What scared me was I didn’t want him to hurt one of my grandchildren.””
01. it seems pretty well established that this Thompson character is absolutely crazy enough to have perpetrated the SO RANDOM murder of someone else’s pet goat, and:
“She said police have been diligent in their investigation. “They tried to find fingerprints on the chain the goat was tied to,” she said.”
02. the goat WAS found in a pool of blood inside the guy’s house. is it really THAT mysterious that someone on a jury is saying, “well, i think he PROBABLY did it, but in the absence of fingerprints, i’m acquitting that guy?”
and also, now that i think about it… that story where that guy would not stop breaking into that woman’s barn and having sex with her horse ALSO took place in South Carolina. make a note, loyal readers: NEVER GO TO SOUTH CAROLINA.