when the drama starts, there’s simply no time to worry about socks

so most of the time, i legitimately try to make these updates entertaining (really) and so i actually, believe it or not, make some effort to make them about news events or hilarious topics (mostly involving bears) about which i can rant and make jokes. and i’d like to think it works. and then sometimes i get the compulsion to post something i can get really worked up about for no reason (like, say, Ghostface Killah’s video for “Cherchez La Ghost”), after which i maybe get some angry correction regarding my transgression, and then i resolve to walk the straight and narrow from then on.

but sometimes… i’ve just had such a week that i think “who gives a fuck, no one is reading this, talk about whatever nonsense you want, why not?” and that’s the kind of week that gives us updates like this. also, you can thank the randomness of my record-playing MP3-machine this morning if you need something more specific to blame.

janklow’s list of 13 observations based on Ghostface Killah’s verse on “the Hilton”

i suppose i should embed said song here so that everyone can truly appreciate these observations (and one of the most awkward album covers of all time).

i love this song, it’s solid, and it’s ridiculous, and that’s pretty much what should be carved into Ghostface’s tombstone (that or something about “remember how i long-dicked you and broke your ovary” or whatever he was talking about there). so i wanted to take a minute and deconstruct in 13 ways why i love this song so much. or, uh, Ghostface’s half of the song.

Ghostface Killah and ... some ladies
this picture is from an entirely unrelated trip Ghostface took to the Hilton. we can talk about that next time

01. line 2: “heard Nia Long is in the building”
so this is just a random observation that Ghostface throws out to describe the fact that he and Raekwon are staying in the Hilton (for nefarious business purposes, one can only assume), and i like it for two reasons: one, it’s a great little way to reference the fact that they’re in the presence of society-acceptable rich, beautiful people, and two, one guy who i know HATES these kinds of updates is a pretty solid fan of Nia Long (or at least her physique). and three, i love irony!

02. line 6: “what i do? duck!”
the line, as written, isn’t bedazzling, so you have to consider the delivery: Ghostface poses the question of what to do in the face of an armed assailant, and his response is to sing “duck” in a ridiculous falsetto (well, maybe not THAT extreme, but it’s not his speaking voice). the “oh shit” nature of the confrontation is entirely escalated at this point. this is what we call delivery, people. take some notes.

03. lines 7-8: “Rae up in the shower, singing/son don’t know that it’s real”
on the surface, just an observation to paint the picture. but what’s unspoken here is that once, Raekwon was the man and Ghostface was the guy “introduced” (never mind them being peers in the same rap collective) on Raekwon’s album … and now Ghostface is the man handling the life-or-death situation while Raekwon is singing (probably incredibly poorly) to himself in the shower all the while, oblivious to the drama. no hate on Rae, i just don’t think he’s known for his singing voice.

04. line 10: “in a tight jam, red down, matching like Santa”
i suppose you could take this description to mean either guy, but since the gunman facing down Ghostface is presumably dressed like room service would be, this seems to be Ghost’s way of letting us know he’s matching red down with his later-to-be-mentioned “white leather.” the fact that he compares his look to that of “Santa” is both accurate and the kind of ridiculous thing that Ghostface would remark about himself (i also particularly like “robes made from suede and knitted by virgins,” myself).

Ghostface Killah and Flavor Flav
because sometimes you just need to be matching like Santa. and, apparently, keeping Flavor Flav in line (truly a job for Ghostface if there ever was one)

05. line 12: “he bust two shots, i played mice”
one thing about rappers is that they have an intense desire to project machismo all the time; this is why artists don’t, for whatever reason, stand out. now, here we have Ghostface on the run from the assailant’s shots, a perfectly logical move … and he’s man enough to compare his shameless flight from the path of those bullets to frenzied escape of mice. and this is just another part of why Ghost is a championship-caliber rapper: sometimes the most apt phrase doesn’t make you look good.

06. line 13: “ran to the spot where the sun was at, quickly he was blinded by the ice”
one, it’s a clever turn on the whole ‘blinded by the light’ thing; two, if you’re going to brag about the amount of jewels you’re wearing (and yes, i know he already mentioned it), then THIS is the way that you do it: “i’m wearing so many diamonds that light reflecting off them disables even the most motivated of gun-toting henchmen!” only, you know, you do it in a song and not awkwardly like that. also, it helps if you’re a lot cooler than, say, i am.

07. lines 14-15 “that’s when Rae ran out of the back/towel on, soap on his arms, spun duke around, fell on my lap”
what’s nice here is the combination of “Raekwon runs out of the shower, still oblivious to the situation, and ridiculously clad in a towel and a spattering of random soap” and, the way i take it, “Raekwon then abruptly shoots the fuck out of this assailant” … and “then half-dressed Raekwon falls theatrically onto Ghostface.” we get a little slapstick with our action. anyway, maybe Ghostface did all the killing during that blinding sequence and i’ve misread the whole situation, but i think it works either way.

08. lines 17-18: “nah, his blood fucked my white leather up/ten Gs down the drain”
again, when you brag about the money you’ve spent on the clothes you’re wearing (something common to those in the rap industry, we must admit), this the way you do it: “i’ve lost five figures worth of clothes thanks to the timely dispatching of the assailant that i disabled with my many bedazzling jewels just moments before!” but again, i recommend you word it in a manner that makes you sound more like a man.

09. lines 24-25: “Rae ran hysterically, slipped on soap/landed on his back with his gat, now that’s dope”
for one thing, this is what i base my assumption that Raekwon did the shooting of the assailant on, since he’s got his gun and he’s not even dressed, although maybe he just grabbed it. and here we have Ghostface once again emasculating Rae for the sake of the imagery: Rae runs “hysterically,” which is not what you’d expect of a Wu-Gambino; he goes skidding out of control “on soap,” which you’d thought a half-dressed guy fresh from the shower MIGHT have seen coming; and he theatrically slams into the ground like a comedy character (but still manages to hold on to his gun, which IS dope). poor Raekwon.

Ghostface Killah and Raekwon
…and now they’re BOTH matching like Santa

10. line 30: “fuck your socks”
seriously, here’s the deal: if myself and a crime partner are trying to get the fuck out of Dodge after killing a man sent to kill us (which Raekwon will explore in the second verse, but whatever, THIS UPDATE IS NOT ABOUT RAEKWON), then i don’t care if you can’t find your socks before it’s time to leave. we have to get out of here! FUCK YOUR SOCKS. anyway, the man says it better than i could. i’d probably stammer out something shrill about “your socks not being essential.”

11. lines 30-31: “that’s when we heard the door knock/’everything all right?’ ‘partying, sir, balloons popped.’
this, if you could not tell, is Ghostface’s cover story for the actual hotel personnel who’ve come by to check on him. for one thing, that Hilton has AMAZING service. for another, you can’t really be too invested in finding out what’s going on in that room if you settle for “balloons popped” as an explanation for sounds that seem suspiciously like shots being fired and Raekwon (aka The Chef) crashing to the ground while damp and not fully dressed. but then again, i wouldn’t question Ghostface either.

12. line 36: “‘what you want, sweetie?’ ‘lima beans and kidney'”
so at some point during their escape, Ghostface takes a call from his wiz (or wifey or whatever term you prefer, as we all have various regional dilects and slang), which he calmly answers with what he’d like to eat later (Ghost being a man of discriminating tastes and all) before, i suppose, abruptly hanging up his phone on her and proceeding with the escape. is there a better way to indicate what a cool customer you are under pressure? doubtful. wives are very stressful.

13. line 40: “praying that we make it out the ‘telly untouched”
and even after handling such a dramatic situation with aplomb (and success), Ghostface is a realist: who knows what shall await them when they make their way out of the room, down the hall, and so on and so forth? (i also enjoy his use of the term ‘telly’ as an abbreviation for ‘hotel’.) i have a feeling, though, that it’ll all work out. you can’t keep a man like Tony Starks down.

so i hope you enjoyed that, but to be perfectly honest… i sort of don’t really care. that much should have been obvious, i guess. so it goes.

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