time to combine two of my most favorite things: US senators AND Americans with creepy sexual urges! wait…

last week, i was ahead of the game on this whole “regular update thing”; this week, i’ve managed to waste all the extra time it earned me and thus had to choose between “mediocre ranting about some random articles” and “13 about something fairly random.” we’ll probably go with the latter for next week (unless something hilarious springs up), but for now… enjoy the mediocrity!

goddamn Americans
given how ridiculous this circumstance seems to be, i have to assume he’s drinking a bottle of his own urine. it happens

senator questions benefits to ‘adult baby’

so not only do we have a wonderful title here, but also one that promises to combine two of my most favorite things: US senators AND Americans with creepy sexual urges! wait… i don’t like those things at all! so here we go:

“A key senator has asked the Social Security Administration to investigate how people who live their lives role-playing as “adult babies” are able to get taxpayer-funded disability payments — after one of them was featured on a recent reality TV episode wearing diapers, feeding from a bottle and using an adult-sized crib he built. Sen. Tom Coburn, Oklahoma Republican and the Senate’s top waste-watcher, asked the agency’s inspector general to look into 30-year-old Stanley Thornton Jr. and his roommate, Sandra Dias, who acts as his “mother,” saying it’s not clear why they are collecting Supplemental Security Income (SSI) benefits instead of working.”

so, to be perfectly honest, i am very torn at the start of this article. on the one hand, i do like Coburn – especially for his past insistence on discussing policy topics instead of scraps of sensational meat provided by conservative talk shows and the like – and obviously there’s nothing wrong with going after benefit fraud. and it really doesn’t sound like there’s anything nakedly political about this; i can’t imagine that Coburn’s main opposition is primarily funded by “adult babies” or something.

but on the other hand… isn’t this the kind of thing that makes you say, “can’t you guys deal with the fucking debt ceiling or something first before you worry about the adult babies?” it’s like when i hear Congress is going to look into the BCS: it’s good in theory, but don’t you have bigger fish to fry right now? maybe?

“”Given that Mr. Thornton is able to determine what is appropriate attire and actions in public, drive himself to complete errands, design and custom-make baby furniture to support a 350-pound adult and run an Internet support group, it is possible that he has been improperly collecting disability benefits for a period of time,” Mr. Coburn wrote in a letter Monday to Inspector General Patrick P. O’Carroll Jr. The request comes at a time when members of Congress are struggling to cut budgets and weed out waste to try to bring down the staggering deficit, and comes just days after Social Security’s trustees released a grim assessment of the program’s long-term financial health.”

okay, so maybe it’s SLIGHTLY nakedly political. although ultimately the question i ask myself is, “is this the kind of thing that Republicans wouldn’t worry about if there wasn’t an election in the near future?” well, one, i think there’s a Bill Hicks-style joke about Republicans in there, and two, isn’t there ALWAYS an election in the near future? isn’t that one of the things i’m always bitching and moaning about regarding this whole political system of ours?

“In an email response to The Washington Times, Mr. Thornton threatened to kill himself if his Social Security payments are taken away, and said the television episode showing him doing woodwork oversold his abilities. “You wanna test how damn serious I am about leaving this world, screw with my check that pays for this apartment and food. Try it. See how serious I am. I don’t care,” the California man said. “I have no problem killing myself. Take away the last thing keeping me here, and see what happens. Next time you see me on the news, it will be me in a body bag.”

huh. so i have several responses to THAT response:

01. i think i speak for all of us out here in the Real World when i say “challenge accepted; let’s see what happens.”

02. also, who makes an argument like this? he’s an adult baby accused of SSI fraud, who basically says that if we stop his checks, he’ll kill himself. this is proof the checks are for a legitimate disability, which he doesn’t mention in his above threat? but really, it smacks of “protesting too much”: rather than take an explanatory tone (like a disabled person), he takes an outraged tone (like a fraud). as a former colleague of mine would say, kill yourself already.

03. also, how did i know that this guy was from California without ever having seen this National Geographic show on which he appeared? MYSTERIOUS.

“Mr. Thornton was featured in early May on National Geographic Channel’s “Taboo” program along with Miss Dias, a former nurse who feeds him a bottle and otherwise attends to his needs when he is dressed in diapers. In the episode, he shows off the adult-sized crib he built and sleeps in, and the cameras follow him to the hardware store where he buys wood for his latest do-it-yourself project — an elevated high chair that is capable of holding his ample frame.”

and that’s right, it’s not one guy accused of fraud, it’s two people. and i’m not sure what her defense is. anyway, it certainly seems like a guy who’s building adult-sized cribs and high chairs is “able” enough to do something more than wear a diaper and collect checks. in fact, well, consider this next part:

“He said he has been living at least a partial adult baby lifestyle since his teenage years, though he does wear adult clothes when he goes out, fearing embarrassment otherwise.”

so the compulsion is so extreme … and yet he’s able to dress like an adult and go on, as he’d be embarrassed otherwise. certainly sounds like someone who could dress like an adult for eight hours a day and get a fucking job. or maybe get a job where he works from home. maybe it’s just me, and i have an impossibly high standard for people who claim to be so disabled that they need federal support, but… wait, no, it’s not me, this guy is a fraud.

“Mr. Coburn also questions why Miss Dias, as a former nurse, collects SSI benefits, “since she is able to provide childcare” to Mr. Thornton.”

and this is actually the more important (although less sensational, and thus more overlooked) part of the debate: even if you grant Thornton is too disabled to work – and i do not grant that, but we’re playing along here – that doesn’t address why MISS DIAS needs SSI benefits. granted, maybe there is a reason… but in all that time spent crying about how he needs those federal benefits or he’ll be forced to KILL HIMSELF, he doesn’t seem to mention it.

“In an extensive biography on his web page, Mr. Thornton says he worked as a security guard for a year and a half but said trauma stemming from childhood abuse, combined with other mental problems, made it impossible for him to hold the job, and he has been receiving SSI payments for most of the last 10 years.”

call me callous, but this just seems like a lot of bullshit to me. for one thing, i note that someone’s had time to write an “extensive biography on his web page”; for another, i note that his history of being too disabled to work seems to boil down to “was a security guard for 1.5 years, couldn’t hack it, and never worked again.” now, i don’t mean to sound bitter, cold or cruel, but i am, so that’s how it’s coming out, and here you go: having ONE JOB in TEN YEARS does not tell me that you’re too disabled to hold a job. it tells me you should have tried a second or third option.

“In his email to The Times, Mr. Thornton said he is not capable of working. He said running the website only takes four hours a month, and he said his craftsman skills were overstated by the program, which showed him working on his adult-sized high chair. “What you saw on camera being drilled was pre-assembled the day before. All I did was drill six holes for the camera,” he said.”

hell, i’m just trying to figure out how this guy’s so disabled that he can’t bear to be outside of his home and dressed like an adult, but he’s cool with people coming into his home and filming him. also, saying running a website “only takes four hours a month” isn’t an explanation of why you can’t work, it’s a boast about how fucking lazy you are. AND WHY ISN’T THE WOMAN WHO IS THE SECOND HALF OF YOUR DISGUSTING FANTASY WORKING.

look, call me a prude (true) and claim that i mostly just find this dude appalling (true), but this is just another example of “why janklow hates Americans.” also, we need to look into why Tom Coburn is spending his free time watching Taboo on National Geographic.

okay, let’s stay with the internet forums of Washington-area papers to keep this hate train rolling:

at this point, i think their mother had two daughters and a son, and decided she REALLY wanted three girls … and thus the above happened

novel idea: Kardashians turn to fiction, fans get to name book set for November release

there isn’t really much article here, but that doesn’t matter, because my rage is inversely proportional to the length of this article. wait… that sentence might not be clear to the kind of person who would read a Kardashian book or sign them to a book-writing contract, so let me translate that into something they could understand: JANKLOW ANGRY! JANKLOW SMASH! NOT LITERAL SMASH, THOUGH, SMASH WITH WORDS ON INTERNET! anyway, let’s move forward with the anger:

“The Kardashians are working on a novel, and you may get to name it.”

GODDAMNIT. however, i don’t want my rage to prevent me from being able to submit my name into contention: “Whores-A-Poppin’.”

“Publisher William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins, announced Tuesday that reality stars Kourtney, Kim and Khloé Kardashian are turning to fiction.”

there are several things i find terribly wrong with this sentence, so let me try to handle them point-by-point:

01. first, while i understand that they ARE actually “reality stars,” i remain annoyed by the use of such a term that applies they’ve done more than act like spoiled whores on camera for attention. if it works and you make your dollar, hey, i respect that. i just wish we had some DIFFERENT term.

02. second, what the hell about what they do implies they have the ability to write a book? yes, i know, someone will ghost-write it and then they’ll slap three vapid names on the cover and we’ll call a day, so no one really thinks they can write a book. but i just don’t understand the thought process: “hey, this girl with the big ass is popular on television, so have her write some kind of novel and we’ll sell it to the guy who sells me the drugs THAT MAKE ME THINK THIS CRAZY STUFF.”

03. finally, what exactly is the business model for this kind of book? do they actually sell copies to the extent that it’s profitable? and if so, who’s reading these things? did that Snooki novel make any money?

“Scheduled for a November release, the book promises an imaginary peak into the dynamics of “a glamorous, high profile and complicated family.””

okay, so not only is this uncalled for… and not only is this not actually going to be written by the Kardashians themselves… but it’s not even really fiction, but a thinly-veiled version of their lives, except for the fact that they’ll probably come off as 13 times more awesome in it. what kind of poor excuse for fiction is that?

that said, i will say that as to whoever ghost-writes this thing, however bad it turns out or however reprehensible a concept this is, i will respect them, because i could never do this job. i’d spend all the time until they fired me pitching them ideas like “in this novel, it turns out the Kardashians ARE bad enough dudes to rescue the president” and calling Khloe “the fat one.”

“The winner gets some fame — but no cash prize.”

nice. adding insult to injury, you get no financial benefit to winning, just the bragging rights from being the person who named the Kardashian novel. listen, if THAT is your achievement in life, you should really just kill yourself. seriously. it’s not going to get any better from here on out.

i can’t wait until they’ve cranked out a ton of these things and the Kardashian sisters are on television talking about how “there are no authors in our genre, no one is doing what we do” and comparing themselves to Shakespeare and Hemingway and then i have to just fucking kill myself already.

Sarah Palin
please just go away

also, some random thoughts about the upcoming election

so there’s going to be an election next year, and i’m already pretty fed up with the concept of hearing about election stuff and that’s unlikely to change. anyway, since we’ve had a lot of random nonsense regarding it happening lately, i decided to steal a page from notorious bad internet writer Peter King and hit you guys with “13 things i think i think regarding this 2012 election nonsense,” because it seems to work for him, and he’s TERRIBLE.

13 things i think i think regarding this 2012 election nonsense (not redundant at all)

01. i think there ought to be some kind of law stating that there is to be no goddamn electioneering and primary scheming and all the rest until the year of the actually election. we’ve been debating this stuff since January, if not sooner, which means we’re spending 23 months of a 48 month term discussing the election for next term. this is a goddamn disgrace.

02. i think that since Obama’s now killed Osama, i don’t think he loses the election in 2012. granted, i guess anything can happen, but part of why i find two years spent debating this election annoying is that i view it all as ultimately pointless (in that i see no GOP candidate winning no matter what). Obama’s probably going to have to be caught, on videotape, raping the corpse of a dead white boy on the dsk in the Oval Office to lose this election. and even then, MAYBE.

03. i’m glad this Trump thing is (theoretically) over, and let me reiterate a point i have been making for weeks: if you gave this idiot any credit as a serious candidate, you’re a fucking moron. he’s a party-switching blowhard whose riches were handed to him by his father, whose net worth is supposedly undervalued but can never be verified (he also claims it varies based on his mood), who would stick it to unfair China even though his line of clothing for men is made in China, and who encouraged all those goddamn birthers. fuck that guy.

04. i find it hilarious that this Jerome Corsi character wrote a book entitled Where’s the Birth Certificate? and hyped it up for months and months … only to have it be coming out right after the birth certificate was produced. no additional commentary there, it’s just funny.

05. i’ve long held the position that Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich were opposites: one of them is fairly smart and one of them is legitimately likeable. you can probably figure out who’s who. that said, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from Jimmy Stewart, it’s that it’s better to be oh so pleasant than oh so smart. i just don’t know who would tell Gingrich that he is at all likeable enough to win a popularity contest.

06. i want to note that the whole thing with Mitch Daniels and his wife leaving him and their daughters to move west, marry another man, and then get divorced from THAT man and return to Mitch is just ridiculous. not making fun, just noting that it’s a really weird story for anyone of notable political success to have in his background.

07. i also think that second most ridiculous is the whole thing with John Edwards possibly getting prosecuted for financial dealings related to his mistress that he knocked up and had a sex tape with and tried to conceal and everything else. i guess there’s a lot of misplaced confidence in politicians, but i just don’t seem how people can think, “well, i’ll have a secret mistress and a secret baby and also run for president AT THE SAME TIME.” it’s proof someone is too stupid to be president.

08. i would like to note, for the record, that i have been calling Schwarzenegger a traitorous bastard for years now, so all this secret drama with him makes me feel smug and justified. don’t worry, i’m not going to lord it over people beyond this post here on the internet.

09. i’ll also note that the only good thing about all this election talk so far in advance is that it seems to encourage guys to hop back into the race: no one was talking about Palin or Giuliani this year, and yet after months of all this back-and-forth finally knocking out prospective GOP candidates, now they seem to want to float their names out there? hilarious.

10. i guess the thing Tea Party guys talk about this year that makes me want to pull all my hair out will be the whole debt ceiling/”it’s fine to default” stuff (last time it was all that “RINO” talk). look, i get that the deficit needs to be addressed, but all you smart guys, answer this: when in your personal life did you willfully default on a debt and have it turn out to be a good thing? exactly. please don’t tell me the government should do that.

11. i want to use this item to deliver a general “fuck you” to people talking about “overpaid government workers and their pensions” as a method of tossing some red meat to their audiences in political speeches. honestly, whenever i hear someone start a speech with a statement like, “i respect government workers, i really do,” i can only assume it means they don’t respect those workers. if you don’t, just be upfront about it.

12. i really want to see a vicious Bachmann-Palin cat fight. not in the “oh, this is sort of erotic” way that a lot of guys want to see a cat fight, though; i want one of them to end up seriously injured as a result. fingers crossed!

13. i apologize for this part being the boring portion of the post; sometimes i like to have “serious content” for some reason. we’ll talk more about robots next week!

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One Response to time to combine two of my most favorite things: US senators AND Americans with creepy sexual urges! wait…

  1. Emphyrio says:

    Nicely done Jank. I always said you had a marvellous way with words. The booze will take care of that.
    For the most part, I agree with what you wrote up there but, truthfully, I don’t know half the people you mentioned.

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