“well, i’m SORT OF Amish. i currently work as a computer programmer, but i still believe pants with metal zippers are the work of Satan.”

let’s just overlook the fact that this week’s update didn’t happen on time due to a combination of “making several pies, one of which might actually have been alive” and “some kind of drinking-related event” and move directly to the portion of this update where there’s an excuse about how i simply HAVE to resort to posting up links to stories on the internet and ripping on them. it really does benefit us all if we just save some time, right?

Fairfax County's finest
all this police presence wasn’t able to stop that drunken, 85-miles-per-hour, sex maniac driver … but they’ll get the next one!

on the Beltway, a claim of drunken sex at 85 mph

so THAT is quite the title. now, as a Maryland resident, i’m pretty aware that we have some awful drivers in the DMV area; i won’t go so far as to claim that i am not one of them, as i do have a somewhat checkered past including a string of accidents and tickets … but let me at least say that there are many, many drivers who are far, far worse than i at the whole “operating a motor vehicle” thing. still, when i happened upon this blog, i admit it may have struck a new low.

“Lawsuits after car crashes are beyond common. But in the Fairfax County courthouse, a lawsuit about a crash on the Beltway last year is dropping a few jaws as it makes the rounds and heads toward trial next week. Among the latest allegations in the lawsuit pending in Fairfax County Circuit Court:
Paragraph 10. “At the time of the collision, Defendant was going 85 miles per hour.””

okay, so far, not too shocking 85 miles per hour? i’ve probably been ticketed for speeds that exceeded 85 miles per hour before. not impressed.

“Paragraph 12. “At the time of the collision, Defendant was having sex with a female.””

okay, now we’re officially out of my league. sex with a female at 85 miles per hour? there’s got to be some terrible pun about “fast women” here somewhere. also, i know it’s simply descriptive to say “sex with a female,” but i have to say it would PROBABLY be a pretty bad way to drive your automobile no matter what gender the person you were having sex with was.

“Paragraph13. “At the time of the collision, Defendant was driving admittedly drunk.””

so that’s even worse… but at the same time, strangely logical, as you can picture someone who’s “admittedly” drunk being the kind of person to think it would be a good idea to start having sex (with a female, no less) while going 85 miles per hour. a sober person, i suspect, might have second thoughts regarding automotive safety.

“Paragraph 14. “At the time of the accident, Defendant was partially or totally in the backseat of the car.””

…and that’s the part where i stop fully understanding this. partially or totally in the backseat? how were they even driving this car? actually, some coworkers and i were debating it, and we THINK what happened is some man in the driver’s seat decided to lean his seat all the way back (thus placing himself partially in the backseat) before allowing some female to have sex with him. this seems like a) the most likely scenario and b) a terrible idea.

so then it turns out this (shockingly) resulted in a crash? who would have thunk it?

“Records show the defendant, from Woodbridge, was convicted in Fairfax district court of drunken driving near Telegraph Road in May 2010. But now he denies he was driving. (What?) He was coming from his 21st birthday party in Baltimore, court records state. The woman involved has been dismissed from the case. There was someone ELSE in the car too, and HE denies driving as well.”

now, it’s not impossible that someone could deny drunken driving and still be convicted of it; i would, furthermore, expect the defendant to stick to his story. still, i do have to ask:
–why the woman involved (to say the least) was dismissed from the case, since she clearly had SOMETHING to do with the situation;
–what the hell this other guy was doing in the car. steering from the passenger’s seat? sitting in the back enjoying the ride? i’m thinking that if you’re riding with your buddy and a woman and she says, “hey, driver, let’s have sexual intercourse,” and HE says, “okay,” that’s when you need to step in and say, “guys, why don’t i drive?”

“The defendant’s lawyer, Frank Prior, said there was “no statement by anyone that they were driving on the Beltway having sex” and “no facts on it.” The plaintiff, a 28-year-old cab driver, is seeking $75,000 in damages and is represented by Douglas R. Stevens, who declined to comment beyond his court filings.”

note to self: try and turn the phrase “no facts on it” into some kind of catchphrase. i haven’t been able to do this effectively in the past (“it’s pancake time” is great, but seems to have had no legs in terms of catchphrase success), but that’s no reason not to try again.

“But Stevens sought punitive damages against the defendant and the friend, arguing in a pleading that “having sex at 85 miles per hour while drunk on a freeway is willful and wanton negligence.””

INDEED.

Stewart Gibbs
is this the face of a man who could perform impromptu surgery on his dog? and by that, i mean WHAT IS THIS THING, OH MY GOD, KILL IT

cops: Drunk, naked man operated on pet Doberman

i know with a title like that, the first question in everyone’s mind was “did this take place in Kentucky?” followed by “are you SURE this didn’t take place in Kentucky?” the paper says Chicago, people, so let’s try to stay focused here.

“Alerted by reports of a naked man covered in blood, police rushed to a Near West Side apartment and found a “highly intoxicated” man–“

so far, this is pretty much the way these things go: man gets highly intoxicated, decides it would be a good idea to remove his clothes/get loud or otherwise irresponsible/maybe get covered in blood for some reason, and then the police are called. so what’s so special about this story again?

“– who had been operating on his pet Doberman, “Foley,” officials say.”

ah, yes, that part. however, there are some improvements over the last time we talked about a man getting highly intoxicated and assaulting an animal (and we’re STILL not talking about horse rape here):

01. at least this gentleman (Stewart Gibbs) was not filled with bath salts;
02. at least Gibbs assaulted an animal that belonged to him, and was not a random goat that belonged to someone else;
03. i think he was trying to help this dog;
04. Gibbs seems to have distinctly less creepy acne and a better hairstyle. so there’s that as well.

however, i do not understand why they have placed the dog’s name in quotations, as if it’s alleged but unverified. “we think he called the dog ‘Foley,'” said a police spokesman, “but we have not yet confirmed this vital information.”

“Stewart Gibbs, 44, was charged with felony cruelty to an animal late Sunday after he told police he had tried to remove a cyst from under the dog’s right ear, according to police. Bail of $75,000 was set for Gibbs, whose attorney said is a health care administrator.”

so at least he’s trained to operate on… no, wait, at least he’s trained to fill out some paperwork regarding a dog’s medical treatment. maybe he just got fed up with years of watching those overpaid, rude, asshole doctors get riches and beautiful women, decided he wanted that for himself, and figured he’d master the art of “being a doctor” by practicing on his dog? no? that’s not a logical theory for improving one’s life?

“Gibbs’ landlord got a call from other tenants in the building who said water was leaking into their apartments from the ceiling, according to Assistant State’s Attorney Lorraine Scaduto. The landlord knocked on Gibbs’ door, got no response and let himself in, police said. Gibbs then ran toward him, naked and covered in blood, Scaduto said. The landlord also saw a blood-soaked towel in the apartment before he left to call police.”

always what you want to be confronted with when you enter a tenant’s water-leaking apartment: a naked man covered in blood rushing towards you. this is yet another reason why i would not take a job as a landlord without being able to legally carry “as many guns as humanly possible” on my person at all times.

“Officers arrived about 10 p.m. and were met at the door by Gibbs, whose hands were covered in blood and who “appeared highly intoxicated,” according to a police report. Gibbs let the officers in, and they found blood on the floor and walls of the hall, kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. They also found the Doberman with a wound under its right ear, police said.”

although it does at least sound like he did them a slight favor and put on some clothes before the police arrived. or maybe it’s such a common occurrence in bloody, naked men that they didn’t feel entirely compelled to comment on it? who knows!

“Gibbs told the officers he had been using a butcher knife to remove a cyst from under the dog’s ear, and had turned on the water in the bathtub to clean up the dog, according to police and prosecutors. Gibbs told officers he had been drinking at Trump Tower earlier in the evening, returned to his apartment, had another half-bottle of wine and “proceeded to perform surgery” on his dog, according to a police report.”

so i will grant this drunken wreck one thing: a consistent story. most of the guys we make fun of around here have large blocks of time or specific, crazy events about which they say they “don’t know what happened.” at least Gibbs has none of them: went out drinking, came home, got completely drunk, started some dog surgery. in other words, you can understand how this evening developed.

“”Foley” was taken to an emergency veterinary center for treatment, authorities said. Gibbs gave up custody of the dog, and the Doberman is now in the care of Chicago Animal Care and Control, officials said.”

AGAIN WITH THE QUOTES AROUND THE NAME FOLEY.

“In court today, Gibbs was attentive and wore dark blue jeans and a black T-shirt with a yellow or gold design on it. Public Defender Anand Sundaram said Gibbs has been in Chicago five years, is a health care administrator and has a degree from the University of California, Irvine.”

unrelated to this story: in court wearing dark blue jeans and a black t-shirt? i don’t understand this. i guess if you’re in jail and someone goes and gets you some clothes, or if you just threw on whatever you had when the cops told you “stop being naked and bloody and let’s go down to the station,” then it’s acceptable … but is it just me or do people think that jeans and a t-shirt is appropriate courthouse apparel? these damn Americans…


Amish sexter sought buggy sex with girl, 12

there are so many things wrong with this title that i am not sure where to begin? Amish? buggy sex? the continued existence of the word “sexter?” one thing i do know is that it’s certainly turned out to be quite the raunchy week here at the house of hate.

“An Amish man who sent hundreds of sexually charged text messages to a 12-year-old girl was arrested last week when he drove a horse and buggy to an Indiana restaurant where he had arranged a rendezvous with the child, according to police.”

so should i be more offended by this man’s attempt to have sexual intercourse with a 12-year-old, or the fact that he, as an Amish man, was attempting to work it out with the assistance of a cell phone? because i think it should be the former, but someone it’s the latter. and how do you, as an Amish man, even start up a sexting relationship with a 12-year-old in the first place?

“Yoder’s contact with the girl began with a random text sent to her phone. When the child’s parents learned of their daughter’s contact with Yoder, they took control of her phone and continued communicating with Yoder, who sent about 600 texts, as well as nude photos and explicit videos to the girl.”

with a random text?! people actually do this with the hopes that it will work out? they’re sitting at home thinking, “oh, i’m lonely and i don’t know how to meet women, so i’ll just bombard random numbers with nude photos and explicit videos?” man, would i love to meet a couple who has met and built a relationship based on this method. on second thought… no, i actually really do NOT want to meet that couple.

“Nabbed in an undercover sting, Willard Yoder, 21, is facing four felony counts for allegedly soliciting sex from the minor. Yoder, pictured in the mug shot at right, is free on $20,000 bond.”

this has to be the best sting ever to set up. “gentleman, we’re going to take down this man who’s been trying to sex up a child, so let’s be sharp and do this thing right. also… he’s Amish, so make sure you get the cars set up to cut off his buggy if he tries to make an escape.”

“In one text, Yoder told the girl that, “the proposed sex act would happen inside the buggy,” according to a Connersville Police Department report.”

honestly, i’m torn between “GROSS” and “well… i guess that’s the logical place for it to happen when one of the parties involved is an Amish dude.” but i think i am going to have to lean towards “GROSS.”

“…After arranging the Wednesday night meeting, cops staking out the Takehome restaurant reported seeing “the outline of a carriage type buggy pulled by one horse and what appeared to be one occupant.”

sounds to me like there might have been a slight amount of profiling involved here…

“Investigators noted that Yoder, who was busted outside the eatery, was cooperative and “walked his horse and buggy around the building and tied it to a post outside.” During questioning, cops reported, Yoder admitted contacting the girl’s cell phone “by chance” and “advised that he thought he was going to have sex with the girl,” whom he thought was 13.”

still, it’s really hard of me to take a crime seriously when it involves a man tying his horse and buggy to a post outside. or, for that matter, when it involves a horse and buggy at all. also… when the cops tell you that you were trying to fuck a 12-year-old, it’s not really a solid defense to say, “oh, i thought she was 13.” yeah… that’s still entirely illegal and you should probably make an effort to avoid it.

“Yoder also noted that he “realized that it was a bad decision and had never done anything like this before.”

INDEED IT WAS. although i wonder if “had never done anything like this before” means “i’ve never tried to have sex with a child before” or “i’ve never allowed myself to be swayed by the devil through the usage of a cell phone.” although i guess it could be both? honestly, i have no idea how this “use of modern technology” thing works with the Amish; every time i think i understand it, i catch them using power tools while refusing to wear zippers. it’s confusing.

so that’ll hold us for this week. now please excuse me while i go vomit uncontrollably for several hours.

in which we sort of pile on Kentucky, what with all the beard-eating and strip-club-caused crimes going on down there

sometimes it’s nice to go back and check in on some of the stories we’ve covered here, so i thought a way for me to get out of some 100% original work for the week (assuming that any of this work is ever 100% original) would be to start with some brief updates to past stories. and don’t worry, none of these are going to be about that guy who keeps repeatedly having sex with that lady’s horse, although by now he MUST have attempted to rape that horse again. it’s been awhile.

Harvey Westmoreland
i will never get tired of posting photos of this man, especially with graphics like that

man who forced friend to eat beard may face jail time
(as originally seen in are you a bad enough dude to MAKE THAT MAN OR MEN EAT HIS OR THEIR BEARD?)

so you may remember this simply phenomenal story from the above-linked update, which was actually ENTIRELY about this event wherein the above man, one “Harvey Westmoreland,” was forced to eat his own beard at knife point, thus proving that the south will never stop making us laugh at their antics and/or misfortune. and so the saga of the man who’s beard was self-eaten continues:

“One of the two men who pleaded guilty to holding an Anderson County man at knife point, cutting off part of his beard and forcing him to eat it may now face jail time.”

now, to be honest, if i was a judge and this case came before me, i would be torn. on the one hand, this guy made a man eat his own beard at knife-point, and that’s just wrong. there have to be consequences and penalties and the like; this outrage cannot be allowed to stand. but on the other hand… he’s also the guy (or one of the guys) that made a story like “man forced to eat beard” become reality. would it be wrong of me to yell, “HILARIOUS! case dismissed!” and bang my gavel and let him go free? well, probably.

“A judge sentenced Terry Holt, 48, to five years probation for assault, terroristic threatening and unlawful imprisonment. But a judge could revoke probation in a hearing scheduled for later this month.”

probation? probation? well, i suppose it’s not like, say, a baby was eaten. side note: i really disapprove of the way we’ve thrown this “terrorist threats” nonsense into our legal system as regards threatening people. what’s the point, other than to sound SERIOUS? can you threaten someone in a non-terroristic way? could you not prosecute people before that adjective got added? is the legal system aware that my computer says “terroristic” is not a word?

“That’s because Holt never paid Harvey Westmoreland court ordered restitution totaling $570 and also violated an existing domestic violence order, according to the Anderson County News.”

now, the tragedy of this article is that it doesn’t make it clear a) what the court-ordered restitution was for or b) what the existing domestic violence order was regarding. let’s assume the latter was something unrelated; was the former for the value of the beard? did a judge make a ruling along the lines of, “well, you’ve made him eat his beard, so now you’re going to pay for it! bailiff, that photo, please. (looks at a photo of the beard) i judge this beard to have been worth approximately $715, and you appear to have made him eat 80% of it. repay the plaintiff $570!” (bangs gavel)

man, i would be SUCH a great judge in Kentucky.

“Westmoreland said he’s not surprised Holt never paid up, but didn’t want to talk about it on camera, saying he’s spent enough time on television. The beard eating story got national attention on the late night talk show circuit, and Westmoreland said that was enough attention.”

ha, INDEED. Harvey Westmoreland is doing a phenomenal job coming off like a real adult here.

“He says he hasn’t seen or talked to Holt or James Hill, the other man charged, since the November 2010 incident. He says he just wants to move on with his life. Westomoreland said as far as he knows, Hill did pay court ordered restitution, but he has not gotten that money either.”

again, yes, i would PROBABLY avoid talking to and/or seeing the guys that held a knife to the neck of my brother while making me eat my own beard. but that’s just me. anyway, it’s weird to think that someone could pay court-ordered restitution, but then again, i don’t really know how the legal system works down in Kentucky; all i have to base my information on is this case, that television program Justified (truly excellent stuff) and that Steven Seagal documentary Fire Down Below (not so excellent stuff).

911
911: strictly speaking, it’s not actually designed for hungry people, or people otherwise upset about food-related topics

woman calls 911 about wrong food order
(very similar to 911: not actually designed for hungry people)

honestly, given the combination of “raw intelligence” and “burning desire to cram one’s bloated snackhole with treats” found in the average American, i could probably be posting updates to this concept for years to come, so maybe i better cut it off after this one … although that’s unlikely, considering how much i like to burst into righteous indignation at the actions of others. so, here we go with people misusing 911 again:

“When a woman decided to call 911 after receiving a wrong food order, police are now reminding the public that it is a misdemeanor to call 911 unless it is an emergency.”

just as a reminder, here are the reasons people called 911 in that long-ago update: lack of shrimp in fried rice, McDonald’s running out of McNuggets, an eatery running out of lemonade, sauce being left off a Subway sandwich. so the sad fact is that Americans are simply not learning that you DON’T CALL 911 OVER FOOD-RELATED COMPLAINTS, no matter how many hilarious, semi-insulting stories we run on the news regarding such topics.

“Savannah-Chatham Metro Police released the 911 call Monday and stated the matter was civil, not criminal. The entire audio of the phone call is attached.”

so you can check out the audio if you like. actually, i think it should be mandatory for such audio to be placed on the internet.

“Police added officers were eventually dispatched to the area because the caller was getting disorderly. While she was not arrested, police said she could have faced 911 abuse charges.”

so the moral of the story is that if you’re in a Chinese food joint or McDonald’s or Subway or whatever, you DO have a chance of getting the police to send someone out if you act “disorderly” enough (whatever the fuck “disorderly” means) … it just so happens they’re probably not going to gun down some counterman because you’re incredibly emotional about your supposedly erroneous order, no matter how “disorderly” you are.

“Additionally, the Savannah-Chatham Metro Police want to remind the public that the non-emergency police number is 912-652-6500.”

INDEED. and honestly, i’m confused as to why people don’t seem to give such concepts any thought before calling 911. but then again, i’m confused by a lot of things that stupid people do. so it goes.

so maybe we have so new ridiculousness to mock as well?

Nuha Mohammed Al-Doaifi
clearly the face of INTERNATIONAL TERRORISM

woman faces hate crime after spitting on people in Florida Wal-Mart

now, if i had put the full amount of information this story title always wants to give –“Saudi Arabian Nuha Mohammed Al-Doaifi faces hate crime after spitting on people in Florida Walmart”– we could probably assume this story could ALSO be titled “Anglo-Saxon white people in Florida really excited about getting to use a hate crime law against some minority (who may still be technically white herself).” so obviously there’s maybe a little exaggeration for effect going on here? still, let’s focus on the possibly comedic portions of this story.

“A Saudi Arabian national faces hate crimes charges after allegedly spitting on several people at a Florida Walmart. Nuha Mohammed Al-Doaifi was arrested in Palm Bay after police responded to a 911 call, Florida Today reported Tuesday.”

again, this brings us back to the above topic: is it appropriate to call 911 because someone was spitting on you? does that truly qualify as the kind of emergency that demands an immediate police response? granted, it’s many degrees more serious than “there’s a distinct lack of extra shrimp in my fried rice,” but i still suspect it doesn’t require an influx of police cruisers with lights flashing and sirens blaring to resolve.

“The 21-year-old, who was with her 2-year-old son at the time, allegedly admitted to authorities she spat on several people because “Americans are pushing us around.””

now, on the one hand, i have to assume that this MIGHT not be true; it certainly sounds like the kind of thing an uncharitable witness (or officer) might remember incorrectly. on the other hand, if this IS true, i guess it’s a lot better of an anti-American spree than, say, shooting or bombing people, right? so maybe we shouldn’t overly punish those who lean towards the less-violent forms of revenge against the Great Satan?

“The incident began, police said, when a woman approached Al-Doaifi when she appeared to be having difficulty entering the Walmart. “All I was trying to do was tell her she was coming in through the out door,” Terry Rakowski told Florida Today. “She was just ramming (her cart) into the door.” The 39-year-old then claims the woman spat in her face. “She just spit all over me,” she said. Al-Doaifi then allegedly did the same thing to several others inside the Walmart.”

i’m mostly just surprised that someone from the Wal-Mart responded so quickly to the door; whenever i have been in a Wal-Mart (not necessarily something i am proud of, but fuck it, i am technically from the rural South, so i guess i HAVE to go into Wal-Marts occasionally), the greeters seem distinctly unwelcoming to me. at this point, i myself might reflexively spit on whatever Wal-Mart employee came up to me quickly.

“”Her actions were directed at random people based on their ethnicity and that’s according to her own statement,” said a spokeswoman for the Palm Bay Police Department. A hate crime enhancement was added to Al-Doaifi’s battery charge, which could be upgraded from a simple misdemeanor to a felony.”

why do i suspect that this spokeswoman said that with a gleam in her eye? but actually, ma’am, if the above statement is true, and she didn’t say anything else, she did NOT say her actions were based on ethnicity, but on NATIONALITY. ultimately, spitting on people is turbo-offensive, but a felony charge? childish. if it was me, and some frazzled-looking lady of Arab descent spit on me randomly in a Wal-Mart because “Americans are pushy” and then i heard she was being charged with a FELONY for it … well, i would probably at the very least decline to be a witness for the prosecution.

“Police said the Florida Tech student recently spat on a professor at the school and could face deportation back to Saudi Arabia.”

of course, all that being said, this woman clearly seems to have a problem with impulse control when it comes to aggressive expectoration, so she shouldn’t be held blameless. but what was the problem with the professor? pushy American? grading on a curve? add an additional count to the charges!

finally, we return to Kentucky (the state that keeps on giving) for a little additional classiness:

Laura DiPrimo and Thomas Lee
at least the man looks somewhat remorseful; the woman appears mostly annoyed that her damn overheated baby made the cops stop her from getting her drink on

parents leave infant in hot car outside strip club

well, alright, that title doesn’t seem to bode well for the parents involved. but maybe this was all some kind of understanding? they need to call about a car that wouldn’t start, and they happened to be stopped in front of a strip club? something like that?

“Two Louisville parents are facing charges after police say they found them drinking inside a strip club while their baby was left in the hot car.”

ah, well, so much for that whole “thinking the best of people” thing i was going with there. and to be honest, it really does seem out of character for me, doesn’t it? anyway, so they left their baby in a hot car to go drink… in a strip club. it’s almost as if they consciously thought, “in case someone catches us drinking while our baby’s in a hot car, how can we make this as bad for us as possible?”

“Police went to Deja Vu on Taylor Boulevard around 11 p.m. May 31. When officers arrived, they say they found the infant strapped in the car seat crying and soaked in sweat. The car was not running.”

and i can only imagine that, at 11 PM, they had probably been drinking in the strip club for a while, since i suspect these two are not classy people who only start drinking in the late part of the evening. also, naming a strip club Deja Vu? do you really want to be reminded that you might have seen the same trashy woman currently gyrating on stage at some other time in your daily life? because i don’t see that being a good feeling. eh, maybe they just mean you’ll be coming back for more or something.

“Soon after police got there, officers say 43-year-old Laura DiPrimo, the child’s mother, ran out of the strip club and jumped in the car, started it and put down the windows. A short time later officers say the baby’s father, 28-year-old Thomas Lee exited the bar.”

wait… soon after police arrived? how much time was there after the police arrived for this woman to run out of a strip club and start her car? also, how can you be watching your car/child closely enough to immediately respond to a police presence but NOT be mindful enough to want to simply drink at home where you won’t get arrested for some flagrant form of child neglect? although the kind of person getting arrested at the strip club for child neglect could probably manage to get arrested at home for the same.

“An arrest report says both DiPrimo and Lee admitted to drinking. The reports also states that Lee was wearing an ankle bracelet because he was supposed to be on home incarceration in Clark County, Indiana.”

oh, so this guy was LEGALLY obligated to be drinking at home? this gets EVEN BETTER. i don’t really know what more motivation you need to confine your drinking to home than that. let me hope that the reason police arrived was the bracelet and none some halfway decent citizen forced to make an incredibly awkward 911 call.

outraged stripper-loving dude: “hello, 911? yeah, uh, i need to report a crime.”
911 dispatcher: “alright, citizen, go ahead.”
outraged stripper-loving dude: “well, i’m here at the strip club, and a dude with an ankle bracelet on is here drinking with a tired-looking older woman, and they’ve left their baby in their car.”
911 dispatcher: “…911 is for serious calls, not ridiculous jokes.” (hangs up)

then again, i’m not from Kentucky; maybe if i was, i would find this circumstance completely common?

“The child was OK, but both parents were arrested and charged with wanton endangerment.”

because, presumably, you can’t be charged with “needing a goddamn slap in the mouth.”

“At the time of the arrest, the heat index was 91 degrees. Officers say on the way to Louisville Metro Corrections, Lee complained that the police car was too hot.”

and THAT, ladies and gentleman, is what we call irony. make sure to make a note of it so as to avoid using all those fucking Alanis Morrissette-style examples of irony that are not actually examples of irony.

know the weapons of the weak, the weakness of the hard, and never fall asleep … or so Lupe told me

i guess i should throw a token disclaimer in here for J.Miles to just back away from this week’s update slowly and come back later when i’m talking about something more acceptable.

so i’m reading this issue of XXL, as i like to do my part to keep magazine companies in business, and i come across this article/interview/whatever that reminds me of two things about the rap industry: a, it features this “Lupe Fiasco” character, and b, is he ever annoying. but to be fair, what’s REALLY annoying about him is that he’s legitimately talented: he’ll say something idiotic, i prepare to dismiss the guy, and then he does some song that i enjoy.

this is the cycle: he had some songs on Food & Liquor that i enjoyed… but then he acted like a brat and i was thinking, “meh, i’ll listen to something else”… and then he had “Dumb It Down.” and then he acted like a brat again and again i’m thinking, “enough of this”… but i accidentally listened to the song he had on the Travis Barker album and it reminded me that i can’t COMPLETELY dismiss this guy. i think you see the point.

but today, i’m going to pick over 13 of the most aggravating things that i can remember reading that were (supposedly) said by Lupe Fiasco, and flip out about them, and we’ll call it a day.

13 most aggravating things Lupe Fiasco has ever said, as rated by “how aggravated janklow got when he heard them”

Lupe Fiasco
Lupe Fiasco: master of close-up magic?

13. “Yeah, I have a full black belt. A black belt in karate, two black belts in styles of samurai sword, kendo and aiedo and the equivalent of a black belt in Chinese woo-shoo. So like kung fu and tai chi and all that stuff.”

okay, let’s put one that’s pretty much a personal annoyance of mine and not something most people will find THAT aggravating: me calling bullshit on all this “i have twenty black belts” stuff. for one thing, i don’t believe these personal narratives people create where they’re twenty black belts AND a master rapper AND a street scholar AND a gun– well, i think you see my point. sure, i’m no great shakes myself, so maybe i’m just jealous, but i CAN detect bullshit. also, i happen to suspect a lot of this is McDojo nonsense (especially when the “equivalent of” stuff starts up), so there’s that as well.

12. “(referencing keeping a gun on his table for suicidal purposes in his song “Beautiful Lasers”: “That was literal. I own a ton of them.”

let’s start with a little logical nitpicking: you do not need “a ton” of guns to commit suicide; as we learned from Lethal Weapon, you only really need one gun and one bullet to get THAT job done. so i have to assume–because i am an unending fountain of negativity–that what he’s REALLY trying to do here is combine two things: the dark, edgy nature of being seen as suicidal without really meaning it, and the “i have tons of guns” tough guy imagery that men love to cultivate. oh, that reminds me to to talk about having more guns than a Bahamanian drug gang again…

11. “Yes, he’s right… Chicago artists don’t work together-“

alright, before i get accused of being unfair by cutting off the quote, let me point out that i had to cut it off for the very reason this quote is so aggravating: because he goes on to contradict it IMMEDIATELY, talking about the artists of his that he’s putting on (you know, CHICAGO artists) and the fact that his first big look came from a guest appearance on a Kanye West album. anyone want to tell me what city Kanye hails from? anyway, i get it, a guy who merely got a massive career boost from a Chicago artist should act as if there’s no camaraderie between them because… uh… it’s the best way to aggravate?

10. “I will do a DJ set, drop [his B.M.F. freestyle], and throw up the forks and throw up G.D. and all the gang signs. It’s cool for a while, until you go to jail for 150 years. There are parts about Big Meech and Larry Hoover that are cool–the money, the cars, the clothes–but when you go to jail for 150 years, there is nothing cool about that.”

now, we should be honest and point out that there’s obviously an appeal to the spending of money and living well that drug dealers do among people who don’t have much (if anything) of their own; the part about “there are parts that are cool” is not without merit as an argument. where he loses me–where he AGGRAVATES me–is the part where he gleefully talks about throwing up a plethora of gang signs as part of a show. is it too much to ask that people who purport to make a serious point about where drug dealing ends up act the part?

Lupe Fiasco rapping or singing or something
not pictured here: Lupe giving a fuck about A Tribe Called Quest

09. “I just don’t think I have that much to say … A lot of the stuff that I want to say musically, it has a limit. You can’t compress and process certain things into 16 bars or a song.”

so this was regarding why he would consider quitting recording music for good, and the smugness smacks you right in the face: it’s not that he doesn’t think he has much to say (a common feeling amongst the creative types) … it’s that what he has to say is so fucking DEEP and MEANINGFUL and IMPORTANT that he can’t manage to get it across in a verse. or a song. or, i guess, an album. or, i guess, a series of albums.

i think if i was the interviewer who was on the receiving end of this gem, i’d have paused, and then responded, “well, at least you’ll have all that newly freed time to cure cancer, genius!” also, i see that ending poorly. but then again, i don’t think that i am exactly cut out for the interview game.

08. “The little ghetto kid from the mean streets of the West side of Chicago grew up on Spice 1, 8Ball & MJG, N.W.A and Snoop Dogg. I wasn’t a backpacker rap enthusiast! I never claimed to be. I grew up on gangsta rap!”

this is actually a two-part one relating to Lupe fucking up a Tribe Called Quest song at the VH1’s Hip Hop Honors, so hang in there. the preceding, you see, was his response to being called out on his poor performances of “Electric Relaxation” and “Scenario.” okay, enough formalities, on to the “being righteously angry” part.

now, let me mainly note that the aggravation here is based on the fact that Lupe has LONG claimed that he initially disliked hip hop music for its use of vulgarity, and then thrown in remarks about listening to jazz or some shit. i think we can all detect the contradict inherent there? there’s also the deeper level of annoyance that comes from him being supposedly disgusted with early gangsta rap he himself created (as part of Da Pak) and yet, you know, all along being a devotee of NWA. but to continue…

07. “The label brought the idea [of performing “Electric Relaxation” and “Scenario”] to me and I told them that I didn’t think it was cool because I didn’t grow up on them,” he explains. “People are going to think that’s phony. … They gave me mad press kits on Tribe and I was like, ‘I know who they are!’ But now this was becoming [even more] phony because I had to beef up and play a role [pretending] that I know them. Just for the sake of putting on a facade for my fans? I’ll never do that.”

part two! so did you notice how he manages to declare that it would be “phony” for him to perform Tribe Called Quest songs as if he “grew up on them,” and that being phony in this manner is something he would “never do” … and yet we’re talking about performances that he DID actually do? and that he only said all this stuff about never having grown up on ATCQ after he performed poorly on stage and got called out on it? do you think this would have ever come up if not for the failure? we call this kind of obfuscation “aggravating.”

06. “I’ll put, ‘Yo, I want to be Malcolm X,’ because Malcolm X was a cool muthafucka, and he was a gangsta. He probably killed muthafuckas, definitely robbed muthafuckas, definitely was a pimp, was everything that them dudes was, and was cool with it. But then he became this phenomenal fuckin’ ridiculous intellectual who went around the world just decimating muthafuckas with knowledge and went toe to toe with the system.”

now, it’s possible i’m going to be a little defensive about Malcolm X, as i respect the guy. but here’s the thing: if you’re going to praise him as an intellectual, can we simultaneously acknowledge that part of his narrative is that intellectuals in the black community were FORCED to become murderers/robbers/pimps/”everything that them dudes was” because of the lack of opportunity to use their intellectual gifts? wasn’t that the whole point of anecdotes about West Indian Archie? do we HAVE to simultaneously claim Malcolm X was some stereotypical murderous gangster to respect him?

Malcolm X
Malcolm X: as gangsta as Lupe? NOT BLOODY LIKELY

05. “Of course they put together an album, but not like what we consider a traditional album or what we even consider a classic album. Or I won’t even go there because that’s still a little bit too subjective. They’re not putting out albums with thought behind it where it makes sense. Or trying to get a point across, as opposed to just a bunch of songs with the title track on there and that’s it.”

one thing that you need to know is that while he was talking about people not making “classic albums” anymore, Lupe was touting the “classic” merits of Nas’ Hip-Hop Is Dead and Jay-Z’s American Gangster. now, these were not BAD albums; they had their merits and they had their songs. but are you going to tell me that either of them is their respective creator’s “classic” work? or that all the idiots sweating over their “classic” album with “thought behind them” are actually creating classics? nonsense.

personally, i think a classic album just kind of happens–you obviously have to be talented, but i don’t think you can plan EVERY aspect of it, although i admit there might be a couple of examples to the contrary–and that Lupe is fucking annoying. and let me go one further: the implication here is that Lupe, unlike all these other rappers, IS putting the “thought behind it” regarding his albums, right? so which of them are considered classics again? oh yeah…

04. “When I was four years old, my father was teaching us how to shoot AK-47s and how to strip an M-16. When we were little kids, it was all about weapons. My father used to sell guns.”

ah, so we return to the “”i have tons of guns” tough guy imagery” thing again; as always, when something related to guns annoys me, i get VERY annoyed by it. now, many among of us have shot from a young age, including myself; i know some cousins who i personally saw shoot things beyond what i shot at their age. so it’s not like a four-year-old cannot be taken to shoot (although i doubt how much you can truly TEACH them about shooting at that age).

but THAT being said… i call bullshit on all this. i guarantee that this is one of those things where, if you were to test him on it, he’d fail to shoot the AK like he knew what he was doing and he’d fail to strip that “M-16.” now, look, i COULD be wrong about this… but like i said, i CAN detect bullshit. maybe i’d believe it more if he claimed that his father took him to shoot .22s like everyone whose father ACTUALLY taught them to shoot? no… a .22 isn’t masculine enough.

03. “I might go back to school – I’ll never say never – but I’m writing a book now. I’m battling with Nietzsche. I went back and [read him] because I wanted to see what all the hub-bub was about, and I was like, “I don’t particularly agree with that.” So, now I find myself filling my spare time articulating and de-articulating Nietzsche. … Nah, the Nietzsche is in my spare time. The book I’m writing is about a window-washer. … Yeah, it’s deep, though. Imagine all the stuff I don’t put into my music because I can’t find a word to rhyme with “plethora.” I’m trying to practice how to write for an extended period of time. In writing, you kind of hit a ceiling. I hadn’t wrote on it in like, a year or two. So, hopefully, when I have more time [away] from the recording and the road I’ll jump back into it. It’s really good. They printed a chapterette of it in a magazine in London called Blag.”

i admit this is a long one, but i wanted to package it all together so that you could appreciate the fully-enraging combination of all of the above. anyway, let’s break down the annoyance into a few points:

–i don’t believe for a second that Lupe spends his spare time “articulating and de-articulating Nietzsche,” which sounds like nonsense that’s supposed to pass for intellectualism to me, or that he’d even reading Nietzsche at all, as he’s a pretty default “look like you’re smart by talking about a PHILOSOPHER kind of guy. next tell me that you read Finnegan’s Wake and Ulysses, Lupe!

–don’t tell me that a book you’re supposedly writing, but that will never get finished and i’ll never see is “deep” or “really good”; at best, you wrote it, and you’re biased. you know how when you take a class on writing, they tell you how the big thing is to show, not tell? anyway, i’ve also been told any number of adolescent poems and college-student novels are “deep” or “really good,” but would you like to guess how much of them turned out to actually be one of those?

–also, the fact that it’s “about a window-washer” also tells me that it’s a fake exercise in seeming smarter than you are. just sayin’.

–ALSO, if you haven’t worked on your book “in like, a year or two,” your book isn’t that deep or that good. don’t tell me that “in writing, you kind of hit a ceiling,” because there’s a difference between “writer’s block” and “problems with writing your book” and blaming your inability to write on hitting a ceiling. actually, though, that might be appropriate, because “hitting the ceiling” cares an implication that one has reached the limit of their abilities…

–finally, i’m sure that a rapper who was skilled could come up with a rhyme–or an off-rhyme, even–for “plethora.” you’re not a super-genius because you can use the word “plethora.”

02. “When I think about what it actually took to get the record together, and everything that I went through on this record–which is something I can’t separate–I hate this album.”

this one, such as it is, is probably mostly annoying because it’s so current, but so let it be ranked. here’s the long and short of it: Lupe and his label were at odds over his album (fair enough), Lupe declared that he hated the album (fair enough) … and then the album opened at #1 and sold 200000 copies, and suddenly Lupe wanted to talk about all the parts of the album that he loved oh so much.

now, okay, making an album on a major label can be fucking contentious, i get it, and there have to be aspects of that that you HATE. but the funny thing is, i only remember him talking shit about the album BEFORE it did those solid/good numbers … and i only remember him qualifying his trash-talk by highlighting the things he liked about the process AFTER the numbers. why do i get the feeling this is a circumstance where what Lupe REALLY wants to say is, “well, all the good things about the album are due to me and all the bad things about the album are due to the label?”

Lupe 'HOPE' Fiasco
SUCH A REBEL

01. “I like being the rebel. In this society, being the rebel is being the guy who gives a fuck. I try to make that shit so cool.”

i ALMOST want to cut him some slack and say i know where he was going with this. but you know what? people who ACTUALLY give a fuck aren’t “trying to make that shit so cool.” they’re out there fucking trying to DO something that fucking matters. immediately after that quote, Lupe held up a t-shirt with a picture of Noam Chomsky on it and said, “to me, that’s the coolest shit ever.” i rest my fucking case. just put the fucking Che Guevara shirt on and be fucking done with it, you lame.

man… Lupe is so fucking FRUSTRATING. but you know what? i’m going to go throw on “American Terrorist” and “the Emperor’s Soundtrack” and “Dumb It Down” and “Touch The Sky” and forget about all this fucking annoyance. although i’m going to point out, lest we’ve forgotten, that “Touch The Sky” contains the always-cheers-up-janklow power of Curtis Mayfield’s “Move On Up.” hey, it always makes me smile, even on my worst days…

FAKE EDIT: so you know, i worked up this update for the week, trying to be responsible, on top of things, and so on… and Lupe had to go and say something else aggravating in the meantime. so i’m not going to rank it, i’m just going to say that i’m aware he said this:

“In my fight against terrorism, to me, the biggest terrorist is Obama in the United States of America. For me, I’m trying to fight the terrorism that’s actually causing the other forms of terrorism. The root cause of the terrorism is the stuff that the U.S government allow to happen and the foreign policies that we have in place in different countries that inspire people to become terrorists. And it’s easy for us because it’s really just some oil, which we can really get on our own.”

…and without getting into the debate, just point this out: isn’t the “we can really get on our own” thing that he seemingly approves of something that leads right back to all those “foreign policies” he’s bitching about? goddamn Lupe.

“you see me doin’ thrill-seeker liquor store holdups with a “born to lose” tattoo on my chest?”

as always, when we’re feeling a little… low on inspiration or original material or whatever, we turn to the old-fashioned listicle containing 13 items to get us through those low times.

this week, i figured i’d come up with something based on a genre (or sub-genre, i guess) of films i tend to enjoy: the heist films (“films that have an intricate plot woven around a group of people trying to steal something”). or, more specifically, heists on films, because i have a theory –and i say this not actually having made the list yet– that some films might have an awesome heist worth discussing, but not really be capital-H Heist capital-F Films. this kind of thing happens sometimes; if the listicle ultimately winds up not including them, i can probably give some examples.

anyway, that being said, let’s get right to it.

13 most enjoyable heists committed to film (or heist films, whatever), at least in the opinion of the honorable janklow

but actually, before we can go forward with this unnecessary list, we need to be clear about some movies that will NOT be appearing on it.

–heists from films that do not actually show the heist: there are some films that get tossed into the “heist film” genre, but don’t actually show the heist; Reservoir Dogs and Goodfellas are both examples of this (in different ways, of course), so while they’re awesome, they won’t be on this list.

–heists from films that are not actual dramas: i don’t much like comedies, but i happen to be aware that there are such things as “caper films” (“heist films with dominant or prominent comic elements”) that are meant to be comedic AND show a heist; good or bad, i’m not putting that shit on my list.

–heists from films that are supposedly great members of this sub-genre that i might not have seen: i’m not going to put the shortcomings of my cinema viewing on blast like that, but on the off chance that i didn’t list a scene you KNOW is awesome… well, maybe i didn’t actually watch that movie yet. i’m man enough to admit that, even if i’m not man enough to list those films here.

and now, on with the list:

Dobermann
yeah… it’s going to be that kind of a heist. and by “that kind,” i clearly mean, “the good kind”

13. the costumed jewel robbery in Snatch (2000)
Snatch is much more about the misadventures of the main characters, with the heist being a small part of it (i think the same thing happened with Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels as well), but i felt compelled to throw this one on the list because apparently some would-be robbers felt compelled to reenact that fictional robbery in 2008. that said, the fictional characters didn’t all seem to survive the film, so i guess it could have been worse, right?

12. the dramatized version of the North Hollywood shootout in 44 Minutes: The North Hollywood Shoot-Out (2003)
…which also wins the award for “best film time that explicitly states what the events of the film are about.” i think we all remember this shoot-out; it certainly seemed like something right out of a movie… and it’s something that many movies have ripped off since, to some extent or another. anyway, here we have the “fuck it, let’s just make a dramatized version of the actual event and slap Michael Madsen in it and call it a day.” let’s be honest: Madsen probably didn’t have much else to do that day.

11. the overly-complicated bank robbery and escape to make the escape in Dobermann (1997)
i’m not arguing Dobermann is a good movie (it’s really not), but it’s certainly a ridiculous one. i might not have been paying close enough attention to the planning being this bank robbery, what with Monica Bellucci spending most of it rocking a light machine gun, because it seems to have an entirely unnecessarily complicated escape from the robbery in it where some of the robbers get away, but don’t really get away, but also were always coming back, and also they have a sniper. it must make SOME sense, because it certainly seems to work. also in this movie’s favor is that the aforementioned Bellucci practically performs a sex act on a shotgun in it. you know, if you’re into that kind of thing.

10. the opening heist of the Town (2010)
true, the later heist (or attempted heist, depending on how you view it) of Fenway Park is much more action-packed, much more colorful, much more over-the-top, much more… everything, really. but the opening heist gives us a great view of the crew’s style: quick, efficient and technically proficient. without it (and other ensuring events), the idea that such a crew would take on Fenway makes no sense at all… and beyond that, it’s simply well-done in the film.

Die Hard
sometimes, these things take a turn for the worse… but you can’t let that kill your holiday spirit!

09. the complicated reverse heisting of Robert Fischer’s brain in Inception (2010)
this really feels like a BIT of a cheat since a) it takes up such a massive amount of the movie and b) we’ve entered a realm where things like “the laws of physics” and “real-world science” are being slightly dispensed with. it’s true that it’s easier to make a cool heist cool under those circumstances, so we’re not going to rate this one too highly. that said, the standard was “greatest heists,” not “greatest realistic heists.” we do what we like around here!

08. the armored car robbery in Dead Presidents (1995)
let me be honest: when i think of Dead Presidents, i mostly think of Keith David declaring that Uncle Sam has “money to burn,” and the movie itself covers a LOT of non-heist ground. however, the climax of the film is obviously the inevitably-fucked-up armored car robbery (somewhat based on true events) that also includes a) some iconic face paint and b) one of the few times Chris Tucker doesn’t disgust me with his on-screen work. the latter makes this heist special.

07. the cracking of the bank vault in the Bank Job (2008)
this film was interesting for several reasons: Jason Statham, action star, not being much of an action star and the complicated and mysterious real-world events in British society connected to the heist are two of them. it’s another heist that eats up a lot of the movie (not the majority, but the entire actual cracking of the vault does take a lot of screen time), but it’s nicely done and goes to show these things don’t HAVE to be shoot-outs all the time. and as far as that goes, i’m giving this one the edge over Thief (another non-shoot-out heist film).

06. the disabling of the time locks on the vault in Die Hard (1988)
come to think of it… you could kind of view most of the Die Hard series as a series of heist films, only i don’t really want to do that because, let’s be honest here, they’re action films. and we all know this. and i’ve said it before, but i’ll say it again: Die Hard is the greatest action movie of all time. i won’t belabor that point here, but any robbery of a vault that involves Clarence Gilyard Jr. freaking out like a schoolkid is going to do pretty well on my list.

the Dark Knight
some people aren’t inclined to take many things seriously, but a heist should be one of them

05. the multiple bank robbery in Mesrine: Killer Instinct (2008)
another film (or films, even) that people around these parts may not have seen is “France’s Scarface,” or the two-part Mesrine saga consisting of Mesrine: Killer Instinct and Mesrine: Public Enemy Number One. in the former, Mesrine, who spends a lot of time committing various felonies in various nations, and a partner make a quick-and-to-the-point robbery of a Canadian bank, and then, as the bank’s calling the police, say “fuck it” and rob the bank across the street as well. nothing too fancy here, just an enjoyable heist that’s right to the point.

04. the bank robbery in the Dark Knight (2008)
i remember when this movie was in theaters, and i was hustling it to catch a showing of it, and the ticket-taking guy said, “it’s starting now, and you don’t want to miss the opening.” anyone who’s seen the film knows what he was referring to: the opening scene where the Joker and a band of clown-masked cronies rob a mob-controlled bank. it doesn’t really make a LOT of sense (sure, the Joker’s insane, but we don’t see him kill his underlings like this ever again), but i’ll be damned if it’s not really well executed.

03. the scene where… well, okay, the whole fucking movie of Heist (2001)
Heist should probably have been titled That Movie Mamet Wrote Where Guys Are Flip The Whole Time And Then All The Gold Is Stolen; there’s a fairly slick actual heisting of gold in the movie, but it’s so much of the film and so much of the film is an elaborate con that i don’t even want to try and separate it out. just enjoy all the dialogue (which i think we all know is Mamet’s thing) and the times when Gene Hackman still acted.

02. the silent half-hour burglary of the jewelry shop in Rififi (1955)
a lot of people i know won’t ever watch Rififi (it’s a black-and-white French movie from the 1950s), but those that have know the heist had to show up on here: Jules Dassin shoots a sequence in real time where the criminal characters cut their way into a first-floor jewelry shop and rob it in dead silence. this might not seem like the most exciting half-hour of film… but damn if it isn’t exceptionally well-done. just don’t try to watch it if you DEMAND action.

Heat
speed (and proper use of the bolt release) are key in situations like this

01. the bank robbery and massive shoot-out in Heat (1995)
a probably apocryphal story tells of a Special Forces instructor screening the sequence where Val Kilmer is firing at police officers in this massive shoot-out, reloading with exceptional speed and then continuing to shoot; it probably never happened (although maybe it did), but it certainly SHOULD have. Heat will always be the high-point of Michael Mann’s undying effort to tie intense, realistic action to drama, and this heist is not getting topped easily, not even by some magical adventure through the brain of an Irishman.

okay, that’ll do it for this week; maybe next week, some actual content? unlikely, but we’ll see!