in which we sort of pile on Kentucky, what with all the beard-eating and strip-club-caused crimes going on down there

sometimes it’s nice to go back and check in on some of the stories we’ve covered here, so i thought a way for me to get out of some 100% original work for the week (assuming that any of this work is ever 100% original) would be to start with some brief updates to past stories. and don’t worry, none of these are going to be about that guy who keeps repeatedly having sex with that lady’s horse, although by now he MUST have attempted to rape that horse again. it’s been awhile.

Harvey Westmoreland
i will never get tired of posting photos of this man, especially with graphics like that

man who forced friend to eat beard may face jail time
(as originally seen in are you a bad enough dude to MAKE THAT MAN OR MEN EAT HIS OR THEIR BEARD?)

so you may remember this simply phenomenal story from the above-linked update, which was actually ENTIRELY about this event wherein the above man, one “Harvey Westmoreland,” was forced to eat his own beard at knife point, thus proving that the south will never stop making us laugh at their antics and/or misfortune. and so the saga of the man who’s beard was self-eaten continues:

“One of the two men who pleaded guilty to holding an Anderson County man at knife point, cutting off part of his beard and forcing him to eat it may now face jail time.”

now, to be honest, if i was a judge and this case came before me, i would be torn. on the one hand, this guy made a man eat his own beard at knife-point, and that’s just wrong. there have to be consequences and penalties and the like; this outrage cannot be allowed to stand. but on the other hand… he’s also the guy (or one of the guys) that made a story like “man forced to eat beard” become reality. would it be wrong of me to yell, “HILARIOUS! case dismissed!” and bang my gavel and let him go free? well, probably.

“A judge sentenced Terry Holt, 48, to five years probation for assault, terroristic threatening and unlawful imprisonment. But a judge could revoke probation in a hearing scheduled for later this month.”

probation? probation? well, i suppose it’s not like, say, a baby was eaten. side note: i really disapprove of the way we’ve thrown this “terrorist threats” nonsense into our legal system as regards threatening people. what’s the point, other than to sound SERIOUS? can you threaten someone in a non-terroristic way? could you not prosecute people before that adjective got added? is the legal system aware that my computer says “terroristic” is not a word?

“That’s because Holt never paid Harvey Westmoreland court ordered restitution totaling $570 and also violated an existing domestic violence order, according to the Anderson County News.”

now, the tragedy of this article is that it doesn’t make it clear a) what the court-ordered restitution was for or b) what the existing domestic violence order was regarding. let’s assume the latter was something unrelated; was the former for the value of the beard? did a judge make a ruling along the lines of, “well, you’ve made him eat his beard, so now you’re going to pay for it! bailiff, that photo, please. (looks at a photo of the beard) i judge this beard to have been worth approximately $715, and you appear to have made him eat 80% of it. repay the plaintiff $570!” (bangs gavel)

man, i would be SUCH a great judge in Kentucky.

“Westmoreland said he’s not surprised Holt never paid up, but didn’t want to talk about it on camera, saying he’s spent enough time on television. The beard eating story got national attention on the late night talk show circuit, and Westmoreland said that was enough attention.”

ha, INDEED. Harvey Westmoreland is doing a phenomenal job coming off like a real adult here.

“He says he hasn’t seen or talked to Holt or James Hill, the other man charged, since the November 2010 incident. He says he just wants to move on with his life. Westomoreland said as far as he knows, Hill did pay court ordered restitution, but he has not gotten that money either.”

again, yes, i would PROBABLY avoid talking to and/or seeing the guys that held a knife to the neck of my brother while making me eat my own beard. but that’s just me. anyway, it’s weird to think that someone could pay court-ordered restitution, but then again, i don’t really know how the legal system works down in Kentucky; all i have to base my information on is this case, that television program Justified (truly excellent stuff) and that Steven Seagal documentary Fire Down Below (not so excellent stuff).

911
911: strictly speaking, it’s not actually designed for hungry people, or people otherwise upset about food-related topics

woman calls 911 about wrong food order
(very similar to 911: not actually designed for hungry people)

honestly, given the combination of “raw intelligence” and “burning desire to cram one’s bloated snackhole with treats” found in the average American, i could probably be posting updates to this concept for years to come, so maybe i better cut it off after this one … although that’s unlikely, considering how much i like to burst into righteous indignation at the actions of others. so, here we go with people misusing 911 again:

“When a woman decided to call 911 after receiving a wrong food order, police are now reminding the public that it is a misdemeanor to call 911 unless it is an emergency.”

just as a reminder, here are the reasons people called 911 in that long-ago update: lack of shrimp in fried rice, McDonald’s running out of McNuggets, an eatery running out of lemonade, sauce being left off a Subway sandwich. so the sad fact is that Americans are simply not learning that you DON’T CALL 911 OVER FOOD-RELATED COMPLAINTS, no matter how many hilarious, semi-insulting stories we run on the news regarding such topics.

“Savannah-Chatham Metro Police released the 911 call Monday and stated the matter was civil, not criminal. The entire audio of the phone call is attached.”

so you can check out the audio if you like. actually, i think it should be mandatory for such audio to be placed on the internet.

“Police added officers were eventually dispatched to the area because the caller was getting disorderly. While she was not arrested, police said she could have faced 911 abuse charges.”

so the moral of the story is that if you’re in a Chinese food joint or McDonald’s or Subway or whatever, you DO have a chance of getting the police to send someone out if you act “disorderly” enough (whatever the fuck “disorderly” means) … it just so happens they’re probably not going to gun down some counterman because you’re incredibly emotional about your supposedly erroneous order, no matter how “disorderly” you are.

“Additionally, the Savannah-Chatham Metro Police want to remind the public that the non-emergency police number is 912-652-6500.”

INDEED. and honestly, i’m confused as to why people don’t seem to give such concepts any thought before calling 911. but then again, i’m confused by a lot of things that stupid people do. so it goes.

so maybe we have so new ridiculousness to mock as well?

Nuha Mohammed Al-Doaifi
clearly the face of INTERNATIONAL TERRORISM

woman faces hate crime after spitting on people in Florida Wal-Mart

now, if i had put the full amount of information this story title always wants to give –“Saudi Arabian Nuha Mohammed Al-Doaifi faces hate crime after spitting on people in Florida Walmart”– we could probably assume this story could ALSO be titled “Anglo-Saxon white people in Florida really excited about getting to use a hate crime law against some minority (who may still be technically white herself).” so obviously there’s maybe a little exaggeration for effect going on here? still, let’s focus on the possibly comedic portions of this story.

“A Saudi Arabian national faces hate crimes charges after allegedly spitting on several people at a Florida Walmart. Nuha Mohammed Al-Doaifi was arrested in Palm Bay after police responded to a 911 call, Florida Today reported Tuesday.”

again, this brings us back to the above topic: is it appropriate to call 911 because someone was spitting on you? does that truly qualify as the kind of emergency that demands an immediate police response? granted, it’s many degrees more serious than “there’s a distinct lack of extra shrimp in my fried rice,” but i still suspect it doesn’t require an influx of police cruisers with lights flashing and sirens blaring to resolve.

“The 21-year-old, who was with her 2-year-old son at the time, allegedly admitted to authorities she spat on several people because “Americans are pushing us around.””

now, on the one hand, i have to assume that this MIGHT not be true; it certainly sounds like the kind of thing an uncharitable witness (or officer) might remember incorrectly. on the other hand, if this IS true, i guess it’s a lot better of an anti-American spree than, say, shooting or bombing people, right? so maybe we shouldn’t overly punish those who lean towards the less-violent forms of revenge against the Great Satan?

“The incident began, police said, when a woman approached Al-Doaifi when she appeared to be having difficulty entering the Walmart. “All I was trying to do was tell her she was coming in through the out door,” Terry Rakowski told Florida Today. “She was just ramming (her cart) into the door.” The 39-year-old then claims the woman spat in her face. “She just spit all over me,” she said. Al-Doaifi then allegedly did the same thing to several others inside the Walmart.”

i’m mostly just surprised that someone from the Wal-Mart responded so quickly to the door; whenever i have been in a Wal-Mart (not necessarily something i am proud of, but fuck it, i am technically from the rural South, so i guess i HAVE to go into Wal-Marts occasionally), the greeters seem distinctly unwelcoming to me. at this point, i myself might reflexively spit on whatever Wal-Mart employee came up to me quickly.

“”Her actions were directed at random people based on their ethnicity and that’s according to her own statement,” said a spokeswoman for the Palm Bay Police Department. A hate crime enhancement was added to Al-Doaifi’s battery charge, which could be upgraded from a simple misdemeanor to a felony.”

why do i suspect that this spokeswoman said that with a gleam in her eye? but actually, ma’am, if the above statement is true, and she didn’t say anything else, she did NOT say her actions were based on ethnicity, but on NATIONALITY. ultimately, spitting on people is turbo-offensive, but a felony charge? childish. if it was me, and some frazzled-looking lady of Arab descent spit on me randomly in a Wal-Mart because “Americans are pushy” and then i heard she was being charged with a FELONY for it … well, i would probably at the very least decline to be a witness for the prosecution.

“Police said the Florida Tech student recently spat on a professor at the school and could face deportation back to Saudi Arabia.”

of course, all that being said, this woman clearly seems to have a problem with impulse control when it comes to aggressive expectoration, so she shouldn’t be held blameless. but what was the problem with the professor? pushy American? grading on a curve? add an additional count to the charges!

finally, we return to Kentucky (the state that keeps on giving) for a little additional classiness:

Laura DiPrimo and Thomas Lee
at least the man looks somewhat remorseful; the woman appears mostly annoyed that her damn overheated baby made the cops stop her from getting her drink on

parents leave infant in hot car outside strip club

well, alright, that title doesn’t seem to bode well for the parents involved. but maybe this was all some kind of understanding? they need to call about a car that wouldn’t start, and they happened to be stopped in front of a strip club? something like that?

“Two Louisville parents are facing charges after police say they found them drinking inside a strip club while their baby was left in the hot car.”

ah, well, so much for that whole “thinking the best of people” thing i was going with there. and to be honest, it really does seem out of character for me, doesn’t it? anyway, so they left their baby in a hot car to go drink… in a strip club. it’s almost as if they consciously thought, “in case someone catches us drinking while our baby’s in a hot car, how can we make this as bad for us as possible?”

“Police went to Deja Vu on Taylor Boulevard around 11 p.m. May 31. When officers arrived, they say they found the infant strapped in the car seat crying and soaked in sweat. The car was not running.”

and i can only imagine that, at 11 PM, they had probably been drinking in the strip club for a while, since i suspect these two are not classy people who only start drinking in the late part of the evening. also, naming a strip club Deja Vu? do you really want to be reminded that you might have seen the same trashy woman currently gyrating on stage at some other time in your daily life? because i don’t see that being a good feeling. eh, maybe they just mean you’ll be coming back for more or something.

“Soon after police got there, officers say 43-year-old Laura DiPrimo, the child’s mother, ran out of the strip club and jumped in the car, started it and put down the windows. A short time later officers say the baby’s father, 28-year-old Thomas Lee exited the bar.”

wait… soon after police arrived? how much time was there after the police arrived for this woman to run out of a strip club and start her car? also, how can you be watching your car/child closely enough to immediately respond to a police presence but NOT be mindful enough to want to simply drink at home where you won’t get arrested for some flagrant form of child neglect? although the kind of person getting arrested at the strip club for child neglect could probably manage to get arrested at home for the same.

“An arrest report says both DiPrimo and Lee admitted to drinking. The reports also states that Lee was wearing an ankle bracelet because he was supposed to be on home incarceration in Clark County, Indiana.”

oh, so this guy was LEGALLY obligated to be drinking at home? this gets EVEN BETTER. i don’t really know what more motivation you need to confine your drinking to home than that. let me hope that the reason police arrived was the bracelet and none some halfway decent citizen forced to make an incredibly awkward 911 call.

outraged stripper-loving dude: “hello, 911? yeah, uh, i need to report a crime.”
911 dispatcher: “alright, citizen, go ahead.”
outraged stripper-loving dude: “well, i’m here at the strip club, and a dude with an ankle bracelet on is here drinking with a tired-looking older woman, and they’ve left their baby in their car.”
911 dispatcher: “…911 is for serious calls, not ridiculous jokes.” (hangs up)

then again, i’m not from Kentucky; maybe if i was, i would find this circumstance completely common?

“The child was OK, but both parents were arrested and charged with wanton endangerment.”

because, presumably, you can’t be charged with “needing a goddamn slap in the mouth.”

“At the time of the arrest, the heat index was 91 degrees. Officers say on the way to Louisville Metro Corrections, Lee complained that the police car was too hot.”

and THAT, ladies and gentleman, is what we call irony. make sure to make a note of it so as to avoid using all those fucking Alanis Morrissette-style examples of irony that are not actually examples of irony.

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2 Responses to in which we sort of pile on Kentucky, what with all the beard-eating and strip-club-caused crimes going on down there

  1. Ogre says:

    {hugs}

  2. janklow says:

    sir, i may have to add you to my mental “regular readers” and bring its total up to three? or is it already at three? maybe four, then?

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