“little people” now apparently refers to anyone who’s not Warren Buffett

in light of the fact that i am, to say the least, fairly disgusted with all this debt ceiling nonsense, i figured it would be perfectly acceptable to spend this week’s (belated) update mocking and/or complaining about some of our nation’s fine legislators and/or wannabe legislators. it’s not that this is going to accomplish much… but maybe i’ll feel better? probably not.

still, hey, it’s got to meet our minimum standard of “something around which to base an update for the week of 07.29.2011,” and that’s got to count for SOMETHING.

Michele Bachmann
on the plus side, at least she looks entertainingly crazy

Michele Bachmann touts business experience, refuses questions about business

now, let me be clear about this dilemma: part of me hates to bash conservative politicians, as they’re often the most reliable source of pro-gun votes, but another part of me hates when politicians are unabashedly hypocritical and/or idiotic. this dilemma, as you can imagine, forms a major part of my feelings regarding Sarah Palin. and now we can apply it to the ever-classy Michele Bachmann.

“Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) declared her husband’s work as a counselor for gay youth off-limits during her pursuit of the Republican presidential nomination. Amid reports that the Tea Party congresswoman’s husband, Marcus Bachmann, had run a clinic that administered so-called “reparative therapy,” seeking to encourage LGBT individuals into a straight lifestyle, Rep. Bachmann said those reports weren’t an issue.
“I am running for the presidency of the United States. My husband is not running for the presidency,” Bachmann said during a speech at the National Press Club. “Neither is my business.””

now, okay, i don’t really want to get into a debate about the merits of/problems with Bachmann’s husband’s business. i don’t really think “reparative therapy” for homosexuals works, but whatever, if people want it, fine. however, what i CANNOT fathom is how someone who is running for the presidency of the United States can say with a straight face that what their husband does not matter, and, even if you were to accept that, THEIR BUSINESS is not relevant. the latter, at the very least, is something you’re ADMITTING to being involved in.

“Marcus Bachmann has come under scrutiny since an initial report in The Nation, suggesting that he had run a religious-based clinic that received state and federal funding that included faith-based efforts to change individuals’ sexual orientation. Rep. Bachmann declined to address a question about whether she believes in the effectiveness of reparative therapy, and wouldn’t say whether the clinic has received any taxpayer funding.”

see, again, i understand that you might not want to comment on a business that your husband runs when the answer is sort of a political hot button (although i cannot imagine why Bachmann of all candidates would resist that) … but Bachmann, she of complaining about the use of federal funding, won’t say whether or not the clinic has received any taxpayer funding? this tells me two things:

01. that the clinic HAS received such funds, as there would be no reason not to say it hadn’t if that was true;
02. Bachmann is a fucking moron

“Marcus Bachmann has been a presence in the campaign — he was at the Thursday speech, as were two of their biological children. He introduced his wife during her formal campaign launch in Waterloo, Iowa, last month. Rep. Bachmann has spoken of their strong union; they’re close to having been married for 30 years. She told the audience of press club members that she and her husband “made the decision” to run for president together.”

i note the “she and her husband “made the decision” to run for president together” part mainly because this is a woman who is also saying “my husband is not running for the presidency.” so he’s irrelevant to the discussion of what type of candidate you are… except when you yourself are mentioning him. got it. you’d think someone could ask her about a topic SHE brings up, but apparently you’d be wrong.

“The question about her husband’s work wasn’t the only one for which Bachmann wouldn’t provide a direct answer. She didn’t say whether she would necessarily support House Speaker John Boehner’s (R-Ohio) continuing on in that role if his plan to raise the nation’s debt limit makes its way through Congress. (Bachmann will vote against it.) “I am running for president of the United States,” she said. “I am not running for Speaker of the House.””

because, you see, somehow her vote on this massively important issue is irrelevant to… uh… well, actually, as far as i can tell, it directly relates to her political positions, her current job as a U.S. representative, and the kind of policy she would pursue if elected president. in fact, the ONLY reason i can see not to answer this is if you were privy to/involved in behind-the-scenes negotiations regarding the debt ceiling, and even then, you’d still give some vague answer to side-step it, not claim it didn’t matter because you’re not running for Speaker of the House.

but honestly, she’s very conservative, i’m a RINO, whatever, so we’re never going to agree on the issues. but what i wish we COULD agree on is her being intellectually competent enough to be president. because that’s my real concern, sadly: not her politics, but her goddamn lack of intelligence.

and speaking of things i hate in my politicians…

Sarah Palin
so very tired of this “wear a red jacket and annoy janklow” look

Palin: Obama’s ‘fear mongering’ and Palin to Congress: Remember your values

actually, i feel bad about ripping on these remarks: not because of the dilemma i mentioned above, but because i hate encouraging people to treat Palin as a serious person and/or political figure. this is someone who quit her job to be a millionaire talking head. we’ll come back to that in a moment.

“Sarah Palin accused President Obama of “scaring” the American people over the importance of raising the debt ceiling before the August 2 deadline. “Scaring the American people is exactly what President Obama is doing,” Palin said Tuesday night on Fox News. “The president’s getting pretty good at this fear mongering and trying to cram down the public’s throat this idea of bigger government, more spending.””

now, i don’t want to be overly critical here, but “scaring the American people” is the M.O. of EVERY POLITICIAN. this is why we’re so polarized; this is how people get into office. Republicans scare people with Obama’s evils like Democrats used to scare people with Bush’s evils. i’m not saying neither man can be legitimately criticized… but i AM saying that if you bitch about Obama “scaring” people, you ought to have to decency not to act the same way yourself.

“Although the former Alaska governor and 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee said she respects House Speak John Boehner’s efforts to negotiate with the president, she said there is a larger problem with his strategy. “The internal problem that he has is reinventing the wheel here in the 11th hour, when we already have Cut, Cap and Balance that passed the House, and we don’t need to retreat now and wave a white flag,” Palin said.”

and now we come to another key point of contention i have. see, Palin references something that passed the House (which Republicans control) and failed in the Senate (which Democrats control). now i understand the concept of standing on principle, believe me, but if you’re saying you respect efforts to negotiate, then doesn’t that mean you favor “negotiation,” where compromise occasionally happens, as opposed to “refusing to negotiate because you already have something you like that cannot be passed?”

there’s also the point that people like Palin seem to have confused “Republicans control the House” with “Republicans control Congress.” note: these are not the same thing.

“This August 2 deadline is looming, but it’s not Armageddon, it’s not life-or-death, so Boehner and the Republicans have got to make sure that they’ve got a good plan in front of those who will be voting on this plan,” Palin said.”

additional note: “those who will be voting on this plan” does not include Palin. she is also not running for any office that COULD vote on this plan, nor will she admit to running for president. so why the fuck am i listening to her talk?

“On her Facebook page, the former Alaska governor reprinted a letter she sent the then-newly elected members in November 2010 that called on them to tackle the deficit and entitlement programs to “avert a fiscal disaster.””

actually, i don’t know which of these things i am more annoyed with: that some fucking letter Palin sent newly-elected members of Congress is supposed to be taken seriously, or that political statements are now supposedly being posted on people’s Facebook page.

“”I respectfully ask these GOP Freshman to re-read this letter and remember us ‘little people’ who believed in them, donated to their campaigns, spent hours tirelessly volunteering for them, and trusted them with our votes,” Palin wrote. “This new wave of public servants may recall that they were sent to D.C. for such a time as this.””

this new wave of public servant would also do well to recall that they DO NOT CONTROL THE SENATE. i don’t know if we’re all up on how legislation becomes law, but the Senate is an important part of this process.

also, and this is my real reason for being so annoyed: Sarah Palin includes herself in the phrase “us ‘little people?'” really, Palin? you’re a multi-millionaire celebrity. you’re not one of the “little people.” in fact, you expect the “little people” to send you donations so that you can take a fake political vacation … that you had to stop to go on vacation back in Alaska. this is not the kind of thing “little people” do.

honestly, the really sad part is that i am just disgusted with ALL the politicians out there, but Bachmann and Palin are hogging all my rage because they’re such ridiculous figures. but i promise to spread the rage around a little more next time.

INVESTIGATION: use of the word “investigation” makes titles 100% better?

recently i did an update where i went back to “check in on some of the stories we’ve covered here,” which was largely a way of doing the lazy “commentary on random internet links” thing combined with the lazy “same old topics that we love to discuss, like bears” thing. since it seemed like a great success (garnering upwards of TWO COMMENTS, although i admit one of those was mine), i figure, hey, let’s do that thing again! we’re nothing if not consistent here, i guess.

Brent Kandra
the discovery of this photo of the mauled-to-death-by-Mazzola’s-bear caretaker leads me to believe that “caretaker” may not have been a 100% accurate depiction of his job

teen boy chained Mazzola
(as originally seen in back by popular demand: MORE BEAR and you mess with the bull, you get the horns; you mess with the bear, you get… choked to death with a sex toy?)

so remember that dude Sam Mazzola who i have mocked not just once, but twice? (and when i say “twice,” i may also mean “just last week.”) anyway, the guy was found dead, chained and handcuffed to his bed with a mask on and choked to death on a sex toy. the cops had ruled out homicide, but were still, for some reason, investigating suicide; my sentiment at the time was “i really hope they looked into the teenaged employee that found Mazzola dead.” well, it turns out that might have been the way to go:

“The 17-year-old boy who found wild animal owner Sam Mazzola dead in his bed Sunday, was the person who chained Mazzola to his water bed the night before, according to Lorain County Sheriff’s Sgt. Donald Barker. Mazzola was found face down on a water bed, with a sex toy in his mouth that was attached to a gag, causing him to choke to death … Mazzola was also wearing a leather mask with the eyes and mouth zipped shut and was handcuffed to chains that were attached to the bed and the floor.”

so again, i think you can see why i was not convinced that this could all be explained by suicide. oh, sure, you COULD, i suppose, ask a teenage boy to help you commit suicide by chaining you down and jamming a dildo into your throat, but you’d have to think that the average person in dire need of release from his horrid existence would use some kind of Kevorkian machine or something along those lines.

“Mazzola was dead when the boy returned the next day, according to Barker. Deputies are checking security footage and computer and phone records, investigating the possibility of anyone else taking part. “We are still looking to confirm if anyone else was there that night,” Barker said.”

considering that these are the same police officers who were willing to run with “suicide” as an explanation, you’ll pardon me if i am not entirely convinced their efforts to confirm the presence of additional people will end in success.

“As of now, Mazzola’s death is being considered the accidental result of a consensual sexual act, he said.”

the kind of consensual sex act that involves a young boy handcuffing you in a submissive position and then leaving for the evening while you suffocate on some plastic replica of… well, i’m not sure what it’s a replica of, but “of nothing pleasant to look at” might work there. anyway, i think we call less “consensual sexual act” and more “slow and unpleasant murder, and possible robbery, depending on whether or not these Awesome Cops looked into the matter of whether or not anything was missing.”

most of the story then discusses the history of Mazzola’s animal ownership (which hopefully had no connection to his creepy sex games), which we have covered. we PROBABLY won’t be getting much more mileage out of this one. still, who would have thought a guy would be newsworthy for both his ownership of a caretaker-killing, wrestling bear AND his death/possible murder by a sex toy at the hands of a teenage boy? chapter three might just be something like “turns out Mazzola was an Iranian spy.”

Amish buggy of indeterminate make and model
careful, my Amish friend … you don’t want to be overdriving that buggy

Amish youth accused of drinking beer in buggy
(as originally seen in “well, i’m SORT OF Amish. i currently work as a computer programmer, but i still believe pants with metal zippers are the work of Satan.”)

i suppose it’s kind of mean to repeatedly pick on the Amish, because i sometimes get the impression that they ARE driven insane by the Satanic call of technology to do the worst things: lead police on chases, “sext” (and i hate that word SO MUCH) young girls and, apparently, “drink beer in buggies.”

“A 17-year-old Amish youth faces a host of charges after Cattaraugus County sheriff’s deputies said they saw him driving a buggy while holding an open can of beer and then led police on a brief chase.”

so i have this theory that if you’re one or more sheriff’s deputies who are presumably driving something like a Crown Victoria with a little bit of horsepower under the hood, then any chase you get in involving a buggy BETTER be “brief.” otherwise, you’re in danger of having to admit to losing a chase to a vehicle with a top speed of “however fast it is that horses can go.”

“Deputies said they were patrolling Route 62 about 1 a.m. Monday when they saw the boy. They said they attempted to stop the buggy and the driver led them on short chase before pulling over. Lewis D. Hostetler, 17, became belligerent, deputies said, refused their commands and resisted arrest.”

also, i know drunk driving is a big deal and all now (at least, that’s what Bill Hicks told me), but does it really matter if someone’s drunk driving in a buggy? there can’t be the same danger of high-speed collisions; at the very least, i have to figure the horses involved would put a stop to it. still, i guess that’s just the way the law is written.

“Hostetler was charged with resisting arrest, second-degree obstructing governmental administration, unlawful possession of an alcoholic beverage with intent to consume by a person under age 21, failure to yield to an emergency vehicle, insufficient tail lamps and littering on a highway.”

or, in other words, “we got so embarrassed at the prospect of almost losing a chase to this Amish kid in a buggy that we decided to slam him with every charge we could.” insufficient tail lamps in a buggy? and what exactly is the “second-degree obstructing” charge that ISN’T already covered by resisting arrest OR unlawful underage possession of alcohol OR failure to yield? eh, i just don’t understand this legal system of ours sometimes.

eh, the last time this happened, the Amish kid led them on a mile-long chase and got charged with “overdriving an animal,” which doesn’t even make sense. horses don’t have motors! HORSES DON’T HAVE MOTORS! so it could have been worse.

some horse
still not sure why people across the South seem to find this image irresistible; horses are TERRIBLE

man accused of having sex with horse
(as originally seen in … well, all those times we made fun of Kentucky and/or guys having sex with horses)

i, for one, will never take the state of Kentucky for granted, because it has proven to be a rich, fertile source of comedy for years now, what with all the beard-eating and other shenanigans going on in this state. however, this time we combine the fun of Kentucky with another apparently common-in-the-South shenanigan: sex with horses! (since we didn’t revisit this topic last time we revisited topics, maybe fate has made this happen.)

“A McCracken County man faces a charge of animal cruelty after police say he was caught having sex with a horse.”

after pedophilia, there’s not many a charge worse than “whatever you got charged with that time you got caught fucking a horse” that someone can get hit with. but you know, this makes me suspect that Kentucky does NOT specifically prohibit “fucking a horse.” sounds like there’s a certain semi-Southern state that needs to get its act together, although at least this time it’s about “legal prohibitions regarding animal fucking” and not “gross systematic mistreatment of black people that were purchased.” neither one is a good look for your state, to be honest.

“According to the McCracken County Sheriff’s Department, a witness called police saying she’d seen a man having sex with a horse at Carson Park in the stable area on July 14. After an investigation, an arrest warrant was issued for Nathan Johnson on Monday, July 18.”

i’m glad this woman called the police and all, but what were the circumstances of “seeing a man having sex with a horse?” did she just happen by? was it her stable? because if it was the latter, i think the report to the police should really regard “the shooting of a man caught having sex with a horse.”

also, i am curious to how this two-day-long investigation went. maybe something like:

police officer: “so what exactly did you see occur, ma’am?”
outraged horse-loving citizen: “i saw this man… he was in the stable… and he was fucking a horse.”
police officer: “INVESTIGATION OVER”

“Johnson, 28, from southern McCracken County, was arrested Tuesday morning in Paducah. He was taken to the McCracken County Jail on $500 cash bond.”

also, could this county have a more stereotypical, “welcome to the South” name?

“According to a news release, records indicate Johnson was charged with this same offense in October, 2002, for another similar incident at Carson Park. He was $232.50, received probation and was ordered to stay away from Carson Park.”

now, i could have seen all that coming, because if there’s one thing we’ve learned from that South Carolina case i LOVE to make fun of, it’s that a) these guys ALWAYS keep trying to fuck horses, and b) they ALWAYS keeping coming back to the same damn spot to fuck the same damn horses. which either implies that there are some very sick, but very deep-rooted complexes at work here … or that some of these horses are, in fact, sirens of some sort, singing men to their proverbial doom.

Plainville, CT
so you can see how a setting like this would pose such a challenge for officers in a shooting scenario

investigation: Plainville officers injured by gunfire from fellow officers
(as originally seen in someone shooting at us? quick, shoot out our own windows!)

first, let me be clear: i LOVE when stories have the turbo-dramatic start of “INVESTIGATION:” in the title. it’s not the most impressive use of the English language, but it definitely makes me think that something awesome is going to happen!

“Two police officers who arrived at the scene of an arrest in the parking lot of the AMC Loews Theatre Saturday morning were wounded after fellow Plainville officers shot at their police car, a state police investigation found.”

second, this is one of those stories where the title alone, no matter how dramatic, does not begin to tell the entire story, even if it IS a story that involves, once again, police shooting at themselves and/or their own cars (the silent victims in these kinds of incidents).

“The incident happened as police were trying to arrest a man wanted on child pornography charges.”

…and there we go!

“The suspect, Erik Gothberg, 45, of Southington, had left the theater and was approaching his car when police tried to arrest him, the police report states. Gothberg reached for his waistband, and Sgt. Timothy Mullaney and Cpl. Jon Eno opened fire, the report states.”

now, in this case, i am going to go ahead and say, “yeah, when the child pornography suspect reaches for his waistband, it’s okay to open fire.” it’s probably true that you should preface that shooting with a request for the suspect to stop what they’re doing, stop reaching for their waistband and the like … but it’s also probably true that these guys were chomping at the bit to open fire on a possible pervert.

“Officers Clifford J. Roper and David Slater were arriving at the scene in a police vehicle when the shots were fired. Ofc. Roper was struck by a bullet in the forearm while he was still in the car, and Ofc. Slater was injured by shards of glass when a round went through the windshield, the report states.”

which has to be awesome: you arrive at the scene only to be furiously shot up by your fellow officers. the lesson? no matter how badly you want to shoot someone (even if, as the illustrious Ice-T once opined, you want to shoot them so bad that your dick is hard), there’s still the important question of “hey, what’s in the background behind the kiddie porn guy i really, really want to shoot in the crotch and face?”

“Gothberg, who did not have any weapons, was shot in the foot, state police said. He was treated at Hartford Hospital.”

which also means that not only was the shooting not necessary –and raises the incredibly awkward question of “uh… so what exactly WAS this guy reaching for”– but more cops (two) were shot than suspects (one). this is not exactly a stellar ratio, Plainville officers.

“It was not immediately known whether Gothberg would face additional charges.”

“you’re now being charged with one count of third-degree possession of child pornography and one count of tricking us into shooting our fellow cops!”

“State police are continuing their investigation into the incident.”

seems pretty cut and dry to me: perverts are always reaching for their waistbands in mixed company, and there’s a couple of police officers who MAYBE need a little more time at the firing range. or desk jobs, one of those.

wow, that was a lot of repeatedly-covered territory! maybe next time we’ll have some new comedy? maybe? just a little? probably not, but, hey, you never know, right?

you mess with the bull, you get the horns; you mess with the bear, you get… choked to death with a sex toy?

as is often our lot, we swing rapidly from “getting our updates ready to go days in advance” to “whoops, totally forgot about this whole week-of-the-15th deal.” luckily for our audience, who i trust are not squeamish, the internet has gifted us with a triad of excellent stories. if, of course, you’re the kind of person that likes it when i make fun of people involved in creepy and/or ridiculous sexual activities…

Sam Mazzola and non-sex-related friend
thankfully, this bear has nothing to do with the sexual misadventures discussed in the next story

exotic animal owner found dead, handcuffed to bed, choked to death on sex toy

well… that’s certainly a title. in fact, this lets us revisit TWO of our usual topics with one story: number one, bears, but also number two, the shamefulness of mankind getting caught (and killed) by their deviant sexual appetites. anyway, you may remember this Sam Mazzola character from a caretaker was killed by his pet bear… that was used for wrestling. even more shocking, i ripped on this event in an update entitled “back by popular demand: MORE BEAR.” we keep it 100% original around here. and now Mazzola’s back on our internet news again:

“Exotic animal owner Sam Mazzola died of asphyxia because of an obstructed airway, according to Lorain County Coroner Frank Miller.”

ah, well, that doesn’t sound like what i’d heard from these titles so far. unless there’s more to the circumstances in which he died…

“Mazzola, 49, was found dead inside his home on Sunday. He was found in his bedroom, handcuffed and chained to the bed and wearing a mask. A foreign object in his mouth obstructed his airway, Miller said.”

ah, yes, there we go. and let’s be clear: when you’re handcuffed AND chained to your bed AND topping the whole thing off with a mask, the “foreign object” in your mouth is absolutely going to be a sex toy of some type. or maybe some kind larvae of a creepy moth with a skull on the back of it, i guess, but let’s be honest: that one is a lot less likely than a dildo or ball gag or something.

“The coroner’s office wants to do further testing to determine if the death was accidental or suicide. At this point, homicide and natural causes have been ruled out, Miller said.”

okay, to start, i’m curious why homicide has been ruled out, since this article is giving us no information about Mazzola’s lifestyle or any suspects. maybe he liked to pick up prostitutes and one killed him for some money? now, that being said, “or suicide?” really? he handcuffed AND chained himself to his bed … and then choked himself to death with a sex toy? i know they say hanging is the method suicides use to truly express their self-loathing, but this seems to go the extra mile on that score. to paraphrase J.Miles’ comedy hero, “are there no tall buildings near where Mazzola lived?”

“[Family friend David Garnek] said that four tigers, four bears, and 20 wolves were still on the property. Smaller animals, raccoons, foxes, skunks and coyotes were shipped out Monday. Mazzola had set up the arrangements prior to his death, in the case of an accident, Garnek said.”

for one thing, it’s good to know they’ve clarified the “lion matter” from last year, when authorities stated “the property held … possibly a lion and three or four tigers.” to reiterate my point: this is not the kind of statement that should be so vague; either you have a lion on the property or you do not. anyway, i figure he expected any accidents to be more “slaughtered by a lion THAT DOESN’T EVEN EXIST” and less “choked to death on a synthetic penis.”

“In August 2010, a bear on Mazzola’s property killed 24-year-old Brent Kandra, who was a caretaker on the property. He was due in court on Aug. 22 for alleged probation violations, but his attorney said he doubts his death was related to legal or mental health issues that emerged after his bear fatally mauled Kandra.”

also worth noting: the alleged probation violations, i believe, stem from his “taking a black bear to Toledo without a license” and/or “selling a skunk without a license,” and not his “getting his caretaker killed by a bear with highly-developed wrestling skills.”

so i doubt very much that anything will come of this, because i doubt police care THAT deeply about solving the mysterious death of the sex-toy-ingesting, wolf-hoarding Sam Mazzola, but from the first link, an additional note about the circumstances:

“A teenage employee of Mazzola’s found the 49-year-old handcuffed and chained facedown on his waterbed about 11 a.m. Miller said the chains were attached to the bed and floor. Mazzola also was wearing a mask when he was discovered, Miller said. Locks, keys and other items were found nearby.”

so again, i don’t mean to tell these cops how to do their jobs, but i hope they looked into this “teenage employee.” and now that we’ve started the “creepiest sex of 2011” train going, let’s continue with a crime involving creepy sex and some unnecessary complications:

Bonnie & Clyde
“witnesses said the suspects involved in the burglary-slash-sex-encounter were also wearing awkward hats”

burglary, sexual encounter ends in arrest

the thing i like about titles like that is that they give you a juicy dose of information (“this story will involve burglary AND sexual situations suitable for adults”) and yet it still seems nowhere near explained. why is there a sexual encounter mixed in with this burglary? also, neither the title or the story use the best words of all, which are hidden in the URL: “garage rendezvous.” if i was the kind of guy who made pornographic films for a living, that would be a series i would run with. okay, enough about my business schemes, on with the story:

“A man wearing only a rain coat was taken into police custody after a garage burglary and sexual encounter on Sunday.”

well, three things:
01. so with this “wearing only a rain coat” addition, i have to tell you, this is a very brief story that STILL manages to get crazier with just about every sentence;
02. i am torn between “only a rain coat?” and “well, he was busted during a sexual encounter, so i guess this outfit is actually reasonable”;
03. is it just me, or does adding “garage” to “burglary” make this crime seem depressing small time? “we’ll get us some shovels and an air compressor and live like kings!”

“The Jefferson County Sheriff’s Department said the man and a woman were in the process of burglarizing the garage on Glade Chapel Road, in Hillsboro, when they decided to have sex. While having sex, the woman sprayed the man with pepper spray.”

so what we have here is some POOR impulse control: you’re in the middle of a burglary… and now it’s time for sex? and even if you think that’s acceptable (i guess burglars do weird things), you’re in the middle of felony sex… and now it’s time to spray your crime-and/or-sex partner with pepper spray? and WHY are we doing this? to make off with all the “garage loot?” was this some twisted attempt to amp up the sex in some manner?

“Investigators said the woman ran off and drove the suspect’s vehicle into a pond about two miles from the burglary location.”

okay, so the running off part makes sense, since you have just assaulted your former crime partner AND were just at the scene of the crime, and also, there’s the whole “i sort of regret this sexual encounter and just want to get the HELL out of here” element to it… but you don’t take any of the proceeds of your crime with you? and you manage to crash a car into a lake? seriously, crazier with just about every sentence.

“The burglary victim woke up and spotted the man leaving the garage with a bag.”

“he also appeared to have been less-than-satisfied sexually and, for some reason, smelled of peppers. the burglary victim called the police to investigate whether or not she had been dosed with drugs somehow.”

“Investigators took the man into custody a short time later when he was spotted running down the road.”

so i know what they mean here, but doesn’t it seem like they could have afforded to added some information here, like “running down the road WITH A BAG OF STOLEN GOODS” or something addressing whether or not they took his lady-friend into custody? or anything else addressing the outcome of that half of this crime team?

“The victim told investigators she was missing power tools and portable DVD players.”

the former makes sense, but why is your garage filled with all these portable DVD players? anyway, i’m also curious about the layout of this garage, since it for some reason compels the most skilled of criminals to cast aside their well-laid plans and just start fucking on what i can only picture as a “moderately-oil-and-paint-stained concrete floor.”

and don’t worry, the creepy sex continues!

woman and dog
truly, theirs was a love that could never be, if for no other reason than the fact that this story is gross as hell

woman died from allergic reaction to sex with dog

…which just about says it all. if there’s one thing people should have learned by now, it’s that trying to get an animal to fuck you can get you killed. but that won’t stop the Irish from trying!

“A man has appeared before Limerick District Court charged with ordering his Alsatian dog to have sex with a 43-year-old mother of four, who died from an adverse allergic reaction to the intercourse.”

what i like about the way this is written is that you’re not really sure what the man is being charged with: commanding his dog to sex up a woman? the woman’s unfortunate death? maybe some kind of animal abuse charge? i would also think that a mother of four wouldn’t need to turn to a creepy man with an Alsatian to fulfill her sexual needs, so i am going to leap to the conclusion that this was somehow caused by economic motivations.

“The Irish Sun reports that Sean McDonnell, 57, is charged with buggery contrary to Section 61 of the Offences against the Person Act of 1861 – and is believed to be the first person in Ireland to be charged under the legislation.”

you know, it’s weird that you’d pass a law that prohibits “buggery” in a country filled with Roman Catholic priests and vulnerable Irish schoolboys and yet not prosecute anyone with it for 150 years. i think there’s a joke there.

“The Irish Daily Star adds that McDonnell and the deceased woman had discussed the arrangement on a bestiality internet chat room, and that Gardaí are satisfied that the intercourse was consensual.”

personally, i object to the use of the word “satisfied.” if i was the Irish police investigating this, i might DECIDE that the intercourse was consensual. i might AGREE that the man didn’t somehow get his dog to rape this woman to death. but i would not be SATISFIED by anything that occurred during the course of this investigation aside from possible kicking this dog owner to death in a jail cell in back of the police station.

“The Alsatian dog has been kept in quarantine ever since the incident of 7 October, 2008, Patrick O’Connell wrote.”

which just seems mean, since…

“The woman fell ill at around 7:30pm that evening and was rushed to Mid-Western Regional Hospital where she died at around 8pm. Tests showed she had died of anaphylaxis, a severe allergic reaction similar to that prompted by peanut allergies.”

i guess you have to figure that discovering a severe allergy to “a vagina full of dog semen” is not the kind of thing the average woman has to worry about. but it also means that it’s not like the dog has some special dog-virus that’s murdering the loneliest and saddest of the females out there.

“The Sun’s Barry Moran said McDonnell could face a life sentence in prison if found guilty.”

which, let’s be honest, seems excessive, considering that “the intercourse was consensual” and the death caused by the unlikeliest of allergies. maybe they should just inflict some dog rape on him and call it a day?

“he’s a prophet, he’s a pusher… partly truth and partly fiction… a walking contradiction”: KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

so this update is inspired by me randomly reading a piece of movie trivia that is seen below as item #02, at which point i thought to myself, “wow, Kris Kristofferson never ceases to amaze me.” and thus this update was born, as i sometimes like to mix up my “angrily complaining about three or four news articles” updates with something REALLY ridiculous and often involving lists of 13 items. but i digress; we were talking about Kris Kristofferson!

to begin with, perhaps the best introduction to a completely uncalled-for discussion of Kris Kristofferson is “how exactly do you do an introduction to Kris Kristofferson?” i mean, i mostly recall him as an actor for some reason (probably because he’s been in 50+ movies or television programs), but other people identify him as a musician for equally obvious reasons. and most of the time, random celebrity X is clearly “a singer who got into acting” or “an actor like Bruce Willis who won’t stop making those awful records” … but Kristofferson seems to be neither, and to have an unnecessarily ridiculous name to boot. so what do we do with this guy?

i think we make a list of random trivia about him!

janklow’s 13 favorite trivia factoids about the actor/musician/force of nature known as Kris Kristofferson

the Essential Kris Kristofferson
but… but… isn’t that EVERYTHING by Kris Kristofferson?

13. his name is, when you get right down to it, uncomfortably ridiculous
so let’s be honest here… it’s weird from the jump to have your first name (Kristoffer) essentially be the same as your last name (Kristofferson); no one can really run around named “John Johnson” without at least getting their parents insulted as “boring” or “just plain obsessed with a really common name like John.” but the thing is, Kristofferson’s full name is Kristoffer Kristian Kristofferson, and given that the guy’s from Texas… well, i just don’t know how i feel about those initials. but it’s certainly a trivia factoid.

12. he wrote, among other songs, “Me and Bobby McGee”
so this is a pretty well-known piece of “Kris Kristofferson trivia,” a product for which there is nothing close to a booming market, but it’s still weird and makes him one of those people famous for writing a hit that a singer of the opposite sex sings in first person. for example, Aretha Franklin did this with Otis Redding’s “Respect,” but that works better because it’s a generally unisex song.

but in this case, doesn’t it seem like Kristofferson wrote a ballad about a wonderful adventure he took across the US with a man? okay, okay, i know another dude originally recorded it and the name is fairly unisex itself… but it’s still hard for me to picture Kristofferson singing passionately about “Bobby.” and while we’re on the topic…

11. he dated both Janis Joplin and Barbra Streisand
now, the former makes sense, what with them both being musicians and my impression of Joplin being, to put it slightly unkindly, that she was one of those ladies that “got around,” if you know what i mean. anyway, moving beyond my slight misogyny for the moment, i cannot picture a FURTHER contradiction from peace-and-drugs-loving, bluesy Joplin than a woman who’s essentially known as the uptight shrew who won’t admit that she killed James Brolin years ago and has been hanging onto his corpse: Barbra Streisand.

granted, i guess she might have been more fun in the 1960s and 1970s when she hadn’t yet turned 200 and/or into a part-machine, part-dinosaur movie monster, but still, all i know is modern Streisand, and that Streisand is creepy. TOO CREEPY FOR KRISTOFFERSON.

10. he worked as a commercial helicopter pilot
yes, yes, stars always have some random, interesting “before they were stars” job, but usually it’s just about the juxtaposition between the stars current multimillionaire status and their former crappy job, but usually the job doesn’t involve piloting helicopters back and forth from oil platforms. although i gather that Steve Buscemi was once a firefighter, so i guess just about ANYTHING is possible in life, since it’s incredibly difficult for me to picture that, either. to make this factoid even MORE extreme, he supposedly got Johnny Cash’s attention by landing his helicopter in Cash’s yard and giving him tapes. and that’s how you break into the music industry, kids.

Shel Silverstein
“…various other figures of the Nashville scene… such as Shel Silverstein”

09. he supposedly once said something along the lines of “he prefers his music, but says his children are his true legacy”
it may not be true, as it’s part of a bio on his iMDB page, but as it happens, a) i don’t believe anyone says dumb shit like that, and b) there’s no way that sentence is true. really, whatever art he makes will stand the test of time if ANYTHING Kristofferson does manages to, whereas no one cares about his damn kids. and he has like eight of them, so you know one or two of them have to ultimately be terrible or, at the very least, disappointing.

08. this sentence: “he has collaborated with various other figures of the Nashville scene such as Shel Silverstein”
so here’s the thing: Shel Silverstein is an awesome dude, hands down. but who goes around calling him a figure of the Nashville scene? and, for that matter, if you had to pick ONE person from that scene , and if at this point in the Wikipedia entry, you have referenced no one else, so you can choose anyone that qualifies, would it be Silverstein? really? yeah, okay, he wrote “A Boy Named Sue” and that’s a top-notch country song, but seriously, “he has collaborated with various other figures of the Nashville scene such as Shel Silverstein” is a fucking ridiculous sentence. and that’s why it makes this list.

07. as one of those “Rhodes Scholars,” he’s one of those secretly smart celebrities
i feel the same way about this (Kristofferson earned a Rhodes Scholarship to Oxford and got a graduate degree in English literature) that i felt when i learned that Dolph Lundgren graduated from the Royal Institute of Technology in Stockholm with a degree in chemical engineering: THIS WORLD DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. mustachioed Kristofferson is some kind of legitimate master of English literature? really? and he somehow also got an honorary doctorate? really? the guy from Millennium and Blade II? and speaking of which…

06. he’s the ridiculous villain of Fire Down Below
so, let’s be honest: i love to rip on Steven Seagal and/or Kentucky and have used this website to do so many times, often in regards to Seagal’s energy drinks (not very delicious) or guitar playing (actually more delicious than his energy drinks). and Fire Down Below is a GREAT example of a terrible Seagal movie: it’s in the midst of his “saving the planet through akido” phase; it’s set in Kentucky and is thus filled with “colorful” characters who are into drunken brawling and incest; it has an checked behind-the-scenes history … and it also has Kristofferson as a scenery-chewing waste-dumping villain.

the only thing not to like is that Kristofferson has to die (although Seagal DOES promise to show him a “new meaning to the word violation,” which doesn’t really end the way it sounds). i also like to imagine Kristofferson sitting backstage fuming with rage as Seagal bastardizes his precious country music. but also…

Kris Kristofferson in... MILLENNIUM
ah, Millennium… it is so not a good movie

05. the whole “Millennium” thing
so the thing about this movie is that my father seems to be the only person who gives a shit about it; i have never heard anyone else say a positive word about it, or even to acknowledge having seen it … but my father has owned multiple copies of this thing and will legitimately bring it up in conversation. i don’t get it at all. but consequently, i will always think of Kris Kristofferson as “that guy who stars in that movie that only my father cares about.” i admit that this description might not be unique to Kristofferson, but whatever, he fills it.

04. the mere mention of Kris Kristofferson helped get Fast Times At Ridgemont High made
now, i really don’t care much for Fast Times At Ridgemont High; i’m not a huge comedy guy and that one was never a favorite of mine. but supposedly, Cameron Crowe was able to pose as a student and get material for his screenplay by virtue of the principal at the school Crowe went to (Clairemont High School) learning that Crowe had met Kris Kristofferson and, being a huge fan, then agreeing to let Crowe pretend to be a teenager there.

and i don’t even know what this means. did the principal think that Kris Kristofferson was like a dog, could detect good and evil, and would have rejected Crowe if he’d been a bad person? had students at that school been getting away with murder by mentioning Kris Kristofferson in the midst of angry lectures from the principal and thus distracting him? the world may never know.

03. he was part of a country music supergroup
now, we all understand the basic concept of a supergroup: it’s a rock band composed of a bunch of dudes famous (or at least notable) for being in famous rock bands (and, i guess, being good at playing music and so on), and a few obvious examples spring to mind: Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Derek & the Dominos, the Traveling Wilburys, and so on. but the thing that seems to predominate is that this is a rock thing … and yet Kristofferson was in a COUNTRY supergroup, taking it to an entire other level of ridiculousness.

also, consider this: his group, the Highwaymen, consisted of Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson, three guys who are absolutely country icons that EVERYONE, including the large chunk of people who hate country music, recognizes and even grudgingly appreciates … and Kris Kristofferson. maybe i’m just not the country fan i thought i was? i mean, the guy IS somehow in the Country Music Hall of Fame.

02. he was apparently an Airborne Ranger?
so the inspiration for this article was as follows: i was reading something about Platoon (because, hey, why not), and i came across the factoid that while they were casting Platoon, “Kris Kristofferson was thrown around by some as a potential ‘Sgt. Elias’, since he was in real-life close to the character in type, and had been an Airborne Ranger.” now, first off, i don’t understand the logic; some military dudes have proven to have acting skills (R. Lee Ermey and Dale Dye, for example), but it still seems like “having been an Airborne Ranger” is not the BEST credentials for a theatrical role.

but not only was Kristofferson an Airborne Ranger (which i cannot even picture)… but he was like Sgt. Elias in real life? the dope-smoking, hippie Jesus sergeant character? i just can’t wrap my brain around that one. i mean, the Ranger part makes more sense if you consider that he came from a military family, but i cannot see him shotgunning marijuana into dudes’ mouths with an actual shotgun. well… maybe i CAN picture it, but i really don’t want to.

Kris Kristofferson in... TAXI DRIVER (well, sort of)
Travis and Betsy totally savoring the awesomeness of Kristofferson

01. Travis Bickle buys a girl a Kris Kristofferson record in Taxi Driver
i’m not saying it’s out of place in the 1970s; i’m not saying it’s a bad selection or anything about the album in question (The Silver Tongued Devil and I, one of Kristofferson’s best-performing albums) … i’m just saying that i love Taxi Driver to death … and a Kris Kristofferson album features prominently in it. that’s ridiculous.

“the babies, they disgust me” pretty much sums this week up

so my mildly frustrating week was capped off by a truck driver sent to deliver some large boxes to me driving them (with some kind of forklift-type device) out the back of his truck and crashing them violently to the ground. this in and of itself is probably not THE biggest outrage of the week, but when all the little frustrations add up… well, let’s just say that i thought it would be a good week to take to the internet to see if the world was possibly not as messed up as i feel that it is currently. so, let’s see where the internet takes us!

let’s start things off with one of the most classy events i happened upon:

Nadya Suleman
this picture does seem to sum up her dynamic with her children: her time seems to have been spent preparing herself for attention, while the children are unhappy for obvious reasons

octomom Nadya Suleman says she ‘hates’ her children, contemplates suicide: “they disgust me”

ah, well, a sentiment like that must surely be coming from someone who’s of consequence but who, for whatever reason, has decided that she does not need children in her life. oh… you say this was actually said by some no-talent sack of meat who’s best known for filling her womb with eight simultaneous babies thanks to science and then dropping them all at once to some degree of attention despite the fact that she already had another six children and lacked a job or any other means of support?

oh yeah… i think i remember that. in fact, i’m pretty sure she gave me grounds to go into a Bill Hicks bit about figuring out this “food/water/air deal,” which i really do enjoy, so i have to grant her that. but really, while i hate to quote some kind of tabloid (even second-hand), well, the outrage is just too tempting.

“Octomom Nadya Suleman isn’t winning any Mother of the Year awards any time soon.”

this is, to say the least, not exactly information i needed any news organization to develop for me. but i digress!

“The woman best known for having octuplets in 2009, in addition to her six other children, has given an interview in the new issue of In Touch Weekly, in which she admits some rather disturbing feelings toward her brood. Feeling overwhelmed by the burdens of caring for a large family, Suleman not only says she wishes she never had them, but admits to have contemplated suicide. “I hate the babies, they disgust me,” the 36-year-old single mother told the magazine.”

okay, so i have to consider the possibility that this is all a scam to get paid twice: once by In Touch for making outrageous remarks in print, and again once there’s a backlash that gets her some additional attention and hopefully a dollar or two along with it. still, the fact remains that a repugnant person like her seems perfectly likely to have said such remarks, so i am going to continue to assume the worse about her (and, by extension, all of humanity).

“She also unleashes some vile words for her older children. “My older six are animals,” she says, “[They are] getting more and more out of control, because I have no time to properly discipline them.””

ah, well, it’s good to see that such a well-balanced, responsible person is the one responsible for the care and upbringing of fourteen children. no, wait, what i meant was, “jesus christ, could the government just seize her children already?” although i guess the inability to see how taking care of fourteen children could be a massive burden only exists in the kind of person who goes to a doctor and says, “could you please stuff my uterus full of as many fetuses as is medically possible?”

“Though it was once her dream to have a big family, Suleman’s reality has turned into a nightmare now that she is broke and without hope. “The only way I can cope is to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Sometimes I sit there for hours and even eat my lunch sitting on the toilet floor. Anything to get peace and quiet,” she says.”

well, another solid coping method might be suicide. but also, so not only are you a) in possession of too many kids to take care of properly and b) not working, but c) you’re ALSO spending “hours” hiding in the bathroom instead of dealing with the children? no wonder they’re animals.

also, as an “i am totally an old man”-related note: why did the dream of having a big family not at all involve a) a husband/boyfriend/whatever with b) a job? isn’t the whole point of dreaming of a big family ALSO including the part where they are supported comfortably?

“Photos accompanying the interview are likely to raise concern with Child Protection Services. In addition to Suleman’s house being in run-down condition, one child is seen eating dry-wall.”

i’m not convinced that said photos WILL raise concern with Child Protection Services, as it strikes me that everything about this woman’s life should have raised concerns with them, and yet to date they seem to have seized exactly zero children from her home. or, as far as the public knows, done anything else.

“Suleman says she feels so defeated, she’s considered putting an end to it all. “Some days I have thought about killing myself,” she says. “I cannot cope.””

DO IT

“Though she insists she still has love for her children, Suleman looks back on the decisions she’s made and says she wishes she never got pregnant in the first place. “Obviously I love them – but I absolutely wish I had not had them,” she says.”

one, did you not look back on any decisions with regret after the first SIX children? two, ma’am, no, i do not think it is “obvious” that you love your kids. for one, i don’t think you brought them into a situation that bespeaks to someone loving their children. for another, people who love their children at least make an ATTEMPT to raise them properly, by doing things like “getting a job to support them” and “not hiding from them for hours in a bathroom” and “saying they disgust me to national tabloids.”

“Suleman has been vocal about her struggle to support herself and her children. The unemployed mom has been facing foreclosure on her La Hambra, Calif. house since last year, and is currently on welfare.”

ah, yes, in another case seemingly designed to make politicians cry about cutting it, Suleman is on welfare. sometimes i suspect that only ridiculous scenarios involving welfare are ever publicized, but then i think to myself, “oh, self, must you be so cynical about everything?”

“”My bank account is overdrawn by $300 and I have no money to pay for the children’s school, food or the mortgage,” she confesses. However, Suleman may soon get the chance to increase her income. She recently filmed an episode of a new HDNet celebrity dating show called “Celebridate,” in which cameras will follow her as three regular people try to win her heart.”

you know, i try to be sympathetic to people who have children they love but are struggling with financial hardships, because it’s a common situation. but somehow i suspect that the average person in that situation didn’t use frozen embryos to pop out fourteen kids. hell, i guess we should just be glad that she hasn’t sold any of them to Russian pornographers or something.

disgust for humanity: RISING. okay, well, let’s try another story.

Melvin L. Jackson
if he should happen to be sexually assaulted by a cellmate who ALSO claims that he thought he was having sex with a dead boy, that will officially qualify as ironic

man accused of sexually assaulting unconscious woman on KC sidewalk

okay, a pretty bad start, i know, but surely nothing spectacular, all things considered? well, don’t worry, this is about to get ridiculous directly.

“Jackson County prosecutors today accused a 48-year-old man of sexually assaulting an unconscious woman on a sidewalk in broad daylight Wednesday and later telling police, “I thought that lady was dead.””

so not only is it bad enough that this gentleman apparently thinks it’s okay to sexually violate a corpse (which is most assuredly NOT okay) … but this also raises a moral dilemma: does the fact that your victim is a corpse make it at all better that you’re out that sexually assaulting anything you can find to assault? it’s got to be better than assaulting a live person, of course, but it’s still pretty despicable.

“Prosecutors charged Melvin L. Jackson, of Kansas City, with a felony of sexual assault in connection with the 11:30 a.m. attack in the 3400 block of Troost Avenue. The victim told police she was walking Wednesday when she felt dizzy and light-headed, so she found a shady area and sat down. She later lost consciousness and said she awoke to a witness yelling, “Help her! Get up off of her!” The victim said she didn’t remember getting assaulted, but she noticed her underwear had been removed.”

one thing that this article will not resolve is the question of “what does this lady mean, dizzy and light-headed?” this description seems suspiciously like that of someone who’s gotten drunk and passed out somewhere, and from there we’d go to the “was this woman REALLY assaulted” question. but then again, this was at 1130 in the morning, which isn’t really the time when woman are passing out drunk in the shade. come on, investigative journalists, where are you?

“A witness flagged down a nearby police car, and the officer arrested Jackson, who was walking down the street with his pants unzipped, according to court records.”

i am also concerned about the implication that both a witness and a police officer were right nearby this sexual assault and only the former spotted this sexual assault going down. i don’t know, explain it away with some “line of sight” argument or something, i just don’t feel good about it.

“When the officer asked Jackson about his pants, Jackson allegedly said he touched “a lady’s leg,” and “I thought that lady was dead.””

Jackson continues with his string of the WORST possible excuses. why are you admitting to touching a lady’s leg when you could at least have claimed to have been checking on the woman? (unless that was what he meant by “touching a lady’s leg,” as if to see if she was conscious.) and again, why are you saying you thought she was dead as it it’s totally cool to fuck a random corpse you found lying around on the street?

“The witness told police she saw Jackson having sexual intercourse with the victim, who was in the fetal position, after another witness brought the assault to her attention, according to court records.”

also classy: a witness spotting a guy raping a woman (who he thinks is a sexy, sexy corpse) and rather than addressing the situation or getting the NEARBY police officer, just telling someone else about it. “hey, dude, i think i spotted a guy fucking a corpse. you might want to go check it out if you’re into that kind of thing.”

“When police tried to interview Jackson, he allegedly blurted, “Did that lady say I did something to her?” He later said, “I have the right to remain silent,” according to court records.”

man… when you’ve already admitted to trying to sex up what you thought was a dead body, you’ve already gone far too far to try and remain silent.

disgust for humanity: RISING. uh… well… what else do we have?

(Kevin) Bacon
somehow this was NOT the bacon everyone was fighting over, which just doesn’t make sense

grandmother assaults grandson with hose for eating too much bacon

and holy shit, it’s not even the kind of hose you might expect someone to use for “corporal punishment” or “torturing a man in a South American prison” or whatever.

“Angered that her grandson ate too much bacon at breakfast, a 63-year-old woman chased the boy out of her Pennsylvania home and pinned him down on the front lawn, where she blasted him in the face with a garden hose, police allege.”

i… i… i don’t know that i even have the words for this. except maybe to say brief ideas like “grandmothers are the best people” and “this is what you get when you eat bacon.” pinned him down on the front lawn? blasted him with a garden hose? FOR EATING TOO MUCH BACON? priceless.

“Marilee Ann Kolynych was busted Tuesday evening on endangering the welfare of children, simple assault, harassment, and disorderly conduct charges. Her grandson, 9, was not injured during the attack.”

now, i am not a lawyer, this is true, but i want to say that considering the fact that no one was injured by this incident, and considering the fact that this incident is completely hilarious, i submit to the court that all the charges should be dropped and this woman set free immediately.

“In a Clifton Heights Police Department report, Officer James Press noted that the child “stated that he had been getting tortured by his grandmother…all day for an incident that took place during breakfast.””

isn’t that kind of what grandmothers do? bust you doing something out of line (and possibly bacon-related) and then rake you over the coals for it (possibly involving torture) until you learn your lesson? i know i got punished by MY grandmother when i got out of line … although i was never one to gorge myself on bacon, so i guess i was destined for punishments that were comparatively light.

“According to Press, the matter involved the child consuming more bacon than anyone else, which angered Kolynych.”

THE BEST CRIME

“A witness told Press that Kolynych chased her grandson around the yard before throwing him to the ground and “sitting on top of him beating him on his legs and spraying water at very close range into [the boy’s] face.” The child told cops that “the nozzle setting was on full blast.””

one, the fact that a grandmother is throwing this child to the ground tells me that SOMEONE needs to get a little more exercise. two, i love the way the witness adds “at very close range” to this description, as if a person sitting on a child and beating that child’s legs could be said to be at any other range. three, i don’t believe that the nozzle setting was on full blast. children are liars! especially children that eat all the bacon!

“The child eventually broke free and “ran across the street, using a neighbor’s phone to call his mother, who was in the basement while the incident was taking place out front.”

also, i know that many people would be sad that the boy’s mother didn’t notice what was going on and step in, but i am mostly sad that this attention-whoring child had to run to a neighbor’s phone to call his mother instead of, you know, running into the basement past an old woman with a hose. pathetic.

“Even after the boy’s mother arrived outside, a witness reported, Kolynych continued to chase after the child.”

as well she should have, since it’s not like this kid has denied eating all the bacon… or apologized for eating all the bacon… or at the very least, presented ANY evidence showing that he did not, in fact, eat too much bacon.

“Kolynych, free on bail, is set for a July 7 preliminary hearing.”

at which time she damn well better be set free. NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE.

disgust for humanity: eh… low enough for this week. it’ll have to do, i guess. unless…

… maybe there is a new gun?

why, yes, internet, there is!

Radom P-64

luckily for me, a tiny little Polish C&R version of a Walther PPK or Makarov or whatever (i mean, it’s different than either in notable ways, but this is essentially the family of guns we’re talking about here, with this one being the Polish version of it) that arrives at my house in a little box will cheer me up regardless of who’s hating babies or fucking corpses or EATING ALL THE BACON. whew!