you mess with the bull, you get the horns; you mess with the bear, you get… choked to death with a sex toy?

as is often our lot, we swing rapidly from “getting our updates ready to go days in advance” to “whoops, totally forgot about this whole week-of-the-15th deal.” luckily for our audience, who i trust are not squeamish, the internet has gifted us with a triad of excellent stories. if, of course, you’re the kind of person that likes it when i make fun of people involved in creepy and/or ridiculous sexual activities…

Sam Mazzola and non-sex-related friend
thankfully, this bear has nothing to do with the sexual misadventures discussed in the next story

exotic animal owner found dead, handcuffed to bed, choked to death on sex toy

well… that’s certainly a title. in fact, this lets us revisit TWO of our usual topics with one story: number one, bears, but also number two, the shamefulness of mankind getting caught (and killed) by their deviant sexual appetites. anyway, you may remember this Sam Mazzola character from a caretaker was killed by his pet bear… that was used for wrestling. even more shocking, i ripped on this event in an update entitled “back by popular demand: MORE BEAR.” we keep it 100% original around here. and now Mazzola’s back on our internet news again:

“Exotic animal owner Sam Mazzola died of asphyxia because of an obstructed airway, according to Lorain County Coroner Frank Miller.”

ah, well, that doesn’t sound like what i’d heard from these titles so far. unless there’s more to the circumstances in which he died…

“Mazzola, 49, was found dead inside his home on Sunday. He was found in his bedroom, handcuffed and chained to the bed and wearing a mask. A foreign object in his mouth obstructed his airway, Miller said.”

ah, yes, there we go. and let’s be clear: when you’re handcuffed AND chained to your bed AND topping the whole thing off with a mask, the “foreign object” in your mouth is absolutely going to be a sex toy of some type. or maybe some kind larvae of a creepy moth with a skull on the back of it, i guess, but let’s be honest: that one is a lot less likely than a dildo or ball gag or something.

“The coroner’s office wants to do further testing to determine if the death was accidental or suicide. At this point, homicide and natural causes have been ruled out, Miller said.”

okay, to start, i’m curious why homicide has been ruled out, since this article is giving us no information about Mazzola’s lifestyle or any suspects. maybe he liked to pick up prostitutes and one killed him for some money? now, that being said, “or suicide?” really? he handcuffed AND chained himself to his bed … and then choked himself to death with a sex toy? i know they say hanging is the method suicides use to truly express their self-loathing, but this seems to go the extra mile on that score. to paraphrase J.Miles’ comedy hero, “are there no tall buildings near where Mazzola lived?”

“[Family friend David Garnek] said that four tigers, four bears, and 20 wolves were still on the property. Smaller animals, raccoons, foxes, skunks and coyotes were shipped out Monday. Mazzola had set up the arrangements prior to his death, in the case of an accident, Garnek said.”

for one thing, it’s good to know they’ve clarified the “lion matter” from last year, when authorities stated “the property held … possibly a lion and three or four tigers.” to reiterate my point: this is not the kind of statement that should be so vague; either you have a lion on the property or you do not. anyway, i figure he expected any accidents to be more “slaughtered by a lion THAT DOESN’T EVEN EXIST” and less “choked to death on a synthetic penis.”

“In August 2010, a bear on Mazzola’s property killed 24-year-old Brent Kandra, who was a caretaker on the property. He was due in court on Aug. 22 for alleged probation violations, but his attorney said he doubts his death was related to legal or mental health issues that emerged after his bear fatally mauled Kandra.”

also worth noting: the alleged probation violations, i believe, stem from his “taking a black bear to Toledo without a license” and/or “selling a skunk without a license,” and not his “getting his caretaker killed by a bear with highly-developed wrestling skills.”

so i doubt very much that anything will come of this, because i doubt police care THAT deeply about solving the mysterious death of the sex-toy-ingesting, wolf-hoarding Sam Mazzola, but from the first link, an additional note about the circumstances:

“A teenage employee of Mazzola’s found the 49-year-old handcuffed and chained facedown on his waterbed about 11 a.m. Miller said the chains were attached to the bed and floor. Mazzola also was wearing a mask when he was discovered, Miller said. Locks, keys and other items were found nearby.”

so again, i don’t mean to tell these cops how to do their jobs, but i hope they looked into this “teenage employee.” and now that we’ve started the “creepiest sex of 2011” train going, let’s continue with a crime involving creepy sex and some unnecessary complications:

Bonnie & Clyde
“witnesses said the suspects involved in the burglary-slash-sex-encounter were also wearing awkward hats”

burglary, sexual encounter ends in arrest

the thing i like about titles like that is that they give you a juicy dose of information (“this story will involve burglary AND sexual situations suitable for adults”) and yet it still seems nowhere near explained. why is there a sexual encounter mixed in with this burglary? also, neither the title or the story use the best words of all, which are hidden in the URL: “garage rendezvous.” if i was the kind of guy who made pornographic films for a living, that would be a series i would run with. okay, enough about my business schemes, on with the story:

“A man wearing only a rain coat was taken into police custody after a garage burglary and sexual encounter on Sunday.”

well, three things:
01. so with this “wearing only a rain coat” addition, i have to tell you, this is a very brief story that STILL manages to get crazier with just about every sentence;
02. i am torn between “only a rain coat?” and “well, he was busted during a sexual encounter, so i guess this outfit is actually reasonable”;
03. is it just me, or does adding “garage” to “burglary” make this crime seem depressing small time? “we’ll get us some shovels and an air compressor and live like kings!”

“The Jefferson County Sheriff’s Department said the man and a woman were in the process of burglarizing the garage on Glade Chapel Road, in Hillsboro, when they decided to have sex. While having sex, the woman sprayed the man with pepper spray.”

so what we have here is some POOR impulse control: you’re in the middle of a burglary… and now it’s time for sex? and even if you think that’s acceptable (i guess burglars do weird things), you’re in the middle of felony sex… and now it’s time to spray your crime-and/or-sex partner with pepper spray? and WHY are we doing this? to make off with all the “garage loot?” was this some twisted attempt to amp up the sex in some manner?

“Investigators said the woman ran off and drove the suspect’s vehicle into a pond about two miles from the burglary location.”

okay, so the running off part makes sense, since you have just assaulted your former crime partner AND were just at the scene of the crime, and also, there’s the whole “i sort of regret this sexual encounter and just want to get the HELL out of here” element to it… but you don’t take any of the proceeds of your crime with you? and you manage to crash a car into a lake? seriously, crazier with just about every sentence.

“The burglary victim woke up and spotted the man leaving the garage with a bag.”

“he also appeared to have been less-than-satisfied sexually and, for some reason, smelled of peppers. the burglary victim called the police to investigate whether or not she had been dosed with drugs somehow.”

“Investigators took the man into custody a short time later when he was spotted running down the road.”

so i know what they mean here, but doesn’t it seem like they could have afforded to added some information here, like “running down the road WITH A BAG OF STOLEN GOODS” or something addressing whether or not they took his lady-friend into custody? or anything else addressing the outcome of that half of this crime team?

“The victim told investigators she was missing power tools and portable DVD players.”

the former makes sense, but why is your garage filled with all these portable DVD players? anyway, i’m also curious about the layout of this garage, since it for some reason compels the most skilled of criminals to cast aside their well-laid plans and just start fucking on what i can only picture as a “moderately-oil-and-paint-stained concrete floor.”

and don’t worry, the creepy sex continues!

woman and dog
truly, theirs was a love that could never be, if for no other reason than the fact that this story is gross as hell

woman died from allergic reaction to sex with dog

…which just about says it all. if there’s one thing people should have learned by now, it’s that trying to get an animal to fuck you can get you killed. but that won’t stop the Irish from trying!

“A man has appeared before Limerick District Court charged with ordering his Alsatian dog to have sex with a 43-year-old mother of four, who died from an adverse allergic reaction to the intercourse.”

what i like about the way this is written is that you’re not really sure what the man is being charged with: commanding his dog to sex up a woman? the woman’s unfortunate death? maybe some kind of animal abuse charge? i would also think that a mother of four wouldn’t need to turn to a creepy man with an Alsatian to fulfill her sexual needs, so i am going to leap to the conclusion that this was somehow caused by economic motivations.

“The Irish Sun reports that Sean McDonnell, 57, is charged with buggery contrary to Section 61 of the Offences against the Person Act of 1861 – and is believed to be the first person in Ireland to be charged under the legislation.”

you know, it’s weird that you’d pass a law that prohibits “buggery” in a country filled with Roman Catholic priests and vulnerable Irish schoolboys and yet not prosecute anyone with it for 150 years. i think there’s a joke there.

“The Irish Daily Star adds that McDonnell and the deceased woman had discussed the arrangement on a bestiality internet chat room, and that Gardaí are satisfied that the intercourse was consensual.”

personally, i object to the use of the word “satisfied.” if i was the Irish police investigating this, i might DECIDE that the intercourse was consensual. i might AGREE that the man didn’t somehow get his dog to rape this woman to death. but i would not be SATISFIED by anything that occurred during the course of this investigation aside from possible kicking this dog owner to death in a jail cell in back of the police station.

“The Alsatian dog has been kept in quarantine ever since the incident of 7 October, 2008, Patrick O’Connell wrote.”

which just seems mean, since…

“The woman fell ill at around 7:30pm that evening and was rushed to Mid-Western Regional Hospital where she died at around 8pm. Tests showed she had died of anaphylaxis, a severe allergic reaction similar to that prompted by peanut allergies.”

i guess you have to figure that discovering a severe allergy to “a vagina full of dog semen” is not the kind of thing the average woman has to worry about. but it also means that it’s not like the dog has some special dog-virus that’s murdering the loneliest and saddest of the females out there.

“The Sun’s Barry Moran said McDonnell could face a life sentence in prison if found guilty.”

which, let’s be honest, seems excessive, considering that “the intercourse was consensual” and the death caused by the unlikeliest of allergies. maybe they should just inflict some dog rape on him and call it a day?

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