“my sibling made me google these dogs and they are awesome!”

so this week, rather than be entirely responsible regarding my obligation to bring my three loyal readers “comedy,” i spent the majority of my normal writing time visiting a relative at the hospital and, to a lesser extent, “seeing if wine is an acceptable liquor to drink for recreation.” this, unfortunately, meant that i did not promptly address the pending need to write that comedy… which brings us to our current situation.

so my sibling sends me a message informing me that i “need to do a blog on panda dogs… and tiger dogs.” i have some knowledge of these long-suffering animals, but i am skeptical about their ability to serve as a topic for an entire update; i can only ramble so much.

her response is “just google panda dog and look at the photos… they are awesome… google tiger dog too.” now again, i don’t think we’re entirely communicating on this point, so i point out that “i need some content… just talk about these dogs?” she claims that ideas will come to me, like robot dogs (who i believe we once featured in a long-ago update) and that “there was a pony dog too.” secretly, i suspect that’s what prompted all this, because she thinks ponies are cool, and i again note that “i just don’t know what an update about panda dogs would go like.”

her response? “my sibling made me google these dogs and they are awesome!” …so here we go!

PANDA DOGS
i guess someone was looking at their chow and thought, “well, i’ll never get a chance to own one of the world’s largest, angriest not-quite-bears, not-quite-raccoons, so i had better make my dog suffer”

PANDA DOGS

i originally assumed that this whole “make your dog look like a panda” thing was something that came out of Japan, the land where all kinds of ridiculous ideas are considered to be excellent. that was not to be, however, as i discovered that this is apparently some kind of Chinese fad and was forced to shelve all my excellent jokes about Japan. anyway, i guess this isn’t as deranged as making your pet wear small sweaters and hats, but it’s still weird, if you ask me:

“There’s a new fad among Chinese pet owners that involves taking your domesticated canine to a grooming salon and having it washed, trimmed, and dyed to resemble an exotic animal. Think fluffy chow-chows as baby pandas and golden retrievers as mini-cheetahs or micro-tigers. Photos currently making the rounds on the blogosphere include images from a dog pageant in China’s Henan Province. The dogs on display look confused and not particularly ecstatic.”

that last line sums it up; i don’t think anyone should be surprised that a chow looks confused and “not particularly ecstatic” when it’s been dyed and trimmed oddly. hell, most chows i’ve known were pretty agitated to begin with, so i can’t even imagine wanting to panda them up. this supposedly is a sign of all this “extreme pampering of house pets” in China, but if you ask me, pampering shouldn’t be about “making your dog suffer in public.”

i personally preferred to pamper my dog by letting him eat huge steaks and sleep on the couch. unrelated note: pictures of MY dog usually involve him having a pleasant expression for some reason.

i know there’s actually been some drama in China where people who are cool with eating dogs literally fight with people who are dog-owners, but i was hoping that ultimately this kind of thing would work itself out to the point where the dog-eaters give a little and the dog-lovers give a little and we have a responsible group of pet-owners not decorating their dogs like little bears. instead, the internet showed me this…

TIGER DOGS
i guess someone was looking at their neighbor’s chow that looked like a panda and thought, “well, i’ll never get a chance to own one of the world’s largest, angriest cats, and my neighbor’s miserable dog looks awesome, so i had better make MY dog suffer”

TIGER DOGS

…which, since the chow and the giant panda are at least both puffy and irritable, means we’re taking this thing to a whole new level. luckily for whatever Chinese guy(s) own this monstrosity, the golden retriever is the world’s biggest soft touch, and thus unlikely to seek revenge. that said, this article does seem to advance some weird notions:

“If this strange creature growled at you, you wouldn’t know whether to run from his sharp claws or pat him on the head and give him a biscuit. From a distance, its striped orange and black coat makes it look like a particularly odd tiger.”

actually, i would, because i have seen a couple of tigers in my day, and they’re not sized or shaped like a moderately-large dog. a tiger is probably also not going to come bounding up to you looking for a biscuit or to play fetch, although i guess that IS possible in cases where someone has an incredibly well-trained tiger. i’ve just never seen one like that. hell, even those Las Vegas magicians got partially consumed by their tiger, and that tiger had had years of training AND exposure to the dark arts.

compelled to go further, i then began to search the internet looking for…

PONY DOGS

DOGS... uh, on a pony
take that, you stupid pony!

luckily, though, i couldn’t find evidence that Chinese guys are going out of control and making their dogs into little dog versions of ponies, but i DID find this awesome picture (seen above) of two dogs riding a pony. which, to be honest, is the appropriate way to do something insane with your pets. you’re not supposed to be painting them and clipping them until their self-respect dies.

unrelated note: i am not sure why “dog rides horse” is considered NEWS in the UK, but i guess i have also read equally ridiculous stories originating in American newspapers.

additionally, you COULD, i guess, do other things to them…

DOGS DRESSED IN THINGS MADE BY PEOPLE WHO HATE THEIR DOGS

Dawn Finds Stuff-Sock Dog Still Weeping Into Sea
this is literally the most miserable dog that i have ever seen that was not actively bleeding to death

…because even when you leave China and return to America, you find that people who supposedly “love their dogs” are doing the worst possible things to their dogs. i don’t even have the energy to make up stuff about robot dogs after all this depressing stuff. ugh.

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2 Responses to “my sibling made me google these dogs and they are awesome!”

  1. FollenAngel says:

    awesome!

    also… the following webpage has the pony dog on it.. and the buffalo dog…

    http://blog.80spurple.com/2010/06/11/asia-vs-america/

  2. janklow says:

    i wasn’t really counting “dogs in costumes”

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