something something atomic robots?


so some of you may remember that, last week –or whenever it was that the update dropped, because these delays seem to stack exponentially– i mentioned something about doing a Road Warrior-related update. now, this was a sincere plan; i could probably even produce a witness in REAL LIFE who could confirm this, as i mentioned the concept and kicked around an idea or two for it. i know some people out there are thinking there’s about 13 minutes of thought going into these updates, and while sometimes that might be correct (or even generous), other times i plan these things out. i come up with some ideas on the drive to work, i make little notes for myself throughout the day; it’s like SERIOUS EFFORT is going on. and actually, one good update might be “discuss update ideas that never materialized for whatever reason” … and by “good update,” i mostly just mean “an update that might happen.” literally no one will care or enjoy it.

but i digress! what basically happened is that our hero (that would be me) spent his key “committing to getting this update down on paper” time visiting with some medical health professionals, an adventure that involved some mild suffering, some mild fluid investigations and a semi-awkward rub-down from a doctor. maybe this will be the update topic for the week? doubtful, as i a) hate going to the doctor, b) HATE GOING TO THE DOCTOR and c) don’t much want to discuss it beyond trying for some sympathy here. there was SUFFERING. it excuses my LAZINESS. but… an update still needs to be produced…


Atomic Robo?
still not sure what the hell this is, but it’s clearly relevant to the discussion

so i’ve essentially decided to devote this week’s update (or “update,” even, which is probably appropriate at this point) to sort of a rambling discussion of a half-conversation i had (and the above trolling for sympathy). it basically goes like this: the Irishman and i are hanging out, being incredible nerds (this usually involves some time with a PS3 and maybe some beers), and he mentions this “Atomic Robo” comic series he’s picked up on his phone (ridiculous, but fucking 2011 is a ridiculous year) for his current reading. i am not familiar with it, and can add nothing to this discussion. robots are cool? yeah, robots are cool. i can add that.

so later, he hits me with the following text message: “so the first volume of the Atomic Robo series is called ‘Atomic Robo and the Fightin’ Scientist of Tesladyne’ … this sounds like something YOU made up.” to which i respond “i guess i really missed my calling,” because, let’s be honest, there’s only so many times that you can point out that companies like Dunkin’ Donuts have been stealing your ideas before people just stop caring. even if it’s true! (and yes, the actual title has “Scientists,” plural, but that’s just me striving for journalistic accuracy there.)

but the thing is, i am sure what i would make up based on that title isn’t really what’s going on in the comic. and i don’t want to read it, because what i really want to do is come up with some concept art for what MY version of a robot that’s apparently atomic and interacting with aggressive scientists would be like.


the catch is, i am not sure if this atomic robot is allied with or opposed to the fighting scientists. so i have envisioned this in two ways:


assuming that our atomic robot is allied with or possibly a sidekick to one of these fighting scientists, i would probably pattern them much like myself and my Irish sidekick: i am tiny, clad in a somewhat awkward-looking lab coat (which proves that i am a scientist, and unfortunately cannot be black for that reason) and sensible pants and shoes. hey, bear in mind that i have to be fighting at any given moment; it’s hard to unleash a barrage of devastating kicks when you dress for fashion. oh, and i have my goggles for doing science.

my Atomic Irish Robot is, much like the Irishman is: quite a bit taller than me and powered by atoms of some sort. yes, he looks very similar to all my other robots, but i figure, hey, why knock a good thing? plus, he DOES get an atomic cannon, i guess. i like my Atomic Shamrock logo, but the coloring gives it a weird heart-like shape. not pleased with that.


on the other hand, maybe the atomic robot is our hero? and he’s fighting all these scientists? that’s also possible. so here we have a less-Irish atomic robot, clearly rocking a more traditional atomic logo and choking the life out of this ill-equipped fighting scientist (who brought a wrench to an atomic robot fight for whatever reason) with the power of his mighty claw. the other scientist and his cooler purple-for-some-reason ray-gun are about the meet the business end of that atomic cannon, i guess. and TTR is here enjoying himself because, hey, i love that vulgar little robot. the random yellow coloration is just me being a shitty artist.

it’s also important, i will note, to have these scientists clad in different clothes (slightly, anyway) and rocking different hairstyles, as they’re no longer based on me so directly. i don’t really need the hit to my self-esteem that comes with drawing cartoons of atomic robots beating up thinly-veiled versions of oneself.


so i’m not really sure what we learned here today. it’s clearly not good when i don’t have an update to go with… and it’s probably not good to tell me about atomic robot comics… no, no, let’s say that the lesson for the week is “janklow is going to get weird as hell if he’s sick.” yes, THAT is the appropriate lesson.

in which i discover the saddest photo of a kangaroo not involving an arrow

so i realized after i wrote this week’s update that a couple of things had happened: a) i went back to the “i guess stories involving pigs might involve some comedy” well for the second week in a row, and b) i might have forgotten to select some stories that were very funny to rip on. or rather, it SEEMED like they would make for jokes, but now i am not so sure.

now maybe i shouldn’t start the update by saying “eh, it turned out to be not so funny this week,” but this is the kind of nonsense that happens when you’re awkwardly trying to construct an opening for these updates, you know? oh well…

potbelly pigs... ON THE LOOSE
i love how someone got a “dramatic pig escape” photo to go along with this story. priceless

one potbelly pig captured; another still at large

to be perfectly honest, i don’t know how to take this story. if it was in my local paper, i’d figure, okay, it’s rural-to-suburban here, this is kind of a legitimate story. we occasionally have colorful animal escapes around here. but on the other hand… this is the Sun, the paper for Baltimore, a city that DOES still have some amount of legitimate crime and manhunts. so is this a “lighten the mood” joke? or what? so that’s your background; here’s the story:

“For three weeks, Anne Arundel authorities have been on the trail of two fugitives in Linthicum. One was captured Thursday evening, but the other remains at large. The target: potbelly pigs.”

so i think you see what i am saying about the tone here.

“Chasing down a pig can be impossible,” Robin Small, administrator for Anne Arundel Animal Control, said of the animals that have taken up residence outside an office park at 601 N. Hammonds Ferry Road. The pigs, which were first seen Sept. 2, have delighted workers at the office park near Baltimore-Washington Parkway.”

so this mainly proves that a) people in Maryland are easily amused by the slightest things (although i guess random pigs IS a little out of the ordinary) and b) Anne Arundel’s animal control officers admit defeat pretty easily. impossible? it’s a PIG. it’s not using fake identification or driving a car. it’s PROBABLY not “armed and dangerous.” maybe “tricky” or “more challenging than normal” would have been the better way to phrase this?

“But that sentiment does not sway the county’s animal control officers. Traps were set for — and ignored by — the pigs. Until Thursday evening, that is, when one of the pigs, a 26-pound female, was captured with a net.”

terrible phrasing. “pigs ignored these traps until they didn’t anymore.” also, the fact that 50% of the pigs causes me to once again question Robin Small’s defeatist attitude towards the whole thing. “pigs are IMPOSSIBLE to catch. we’ve only caught HALF the pigs so far.”

“The other pig is thought to be male and of similar size. Small said that she and her colleagues will continue their efforts to capture it.”

as opposed to saying “fuck it, who cares that it’s our job to catch this pig, let’s just go bowling.” something tells me that this “i GUESS we’ll keep doing our jobs” sentiment is not a new one around the Robin Small-led offices of the Anne Arundel Animal Control.

“Gower noticed that someone has been leaving food for the pigs in their favorite spot: a space between three large pine trees where the ground is coated with soft pine needles. Gower said she suspected Jones of being be the pig-feeder, but he would “neither confirm nor deny” his involvement, he said with a grin.”

which makes this “impossible to catch a pig” sentiment even more crazy. you have someone regularly feeding the pigs in the same spot all the time? and yet this is still a challenge to figure out?

“As endearing as they may be, Small said they cannot stay where they are for safety reasons. Because the area is right next to the highway, “they can be put in jeopardy,” she said.”

see, i understand this concept, but it’s not like animal control’s mission is to safeguard every random animal out there, right? so let’s not pretend that this is a holy mission to save this one remaining pig from being smashed into bacon by a truck.

“Susan Magidson, owner of a potbelly pig rescue farm, agreed, saying that the pigs must be captured and returned to a home. Because pigs can reproduce very quickly, the two potbellies could become “very much a public nuisance” if left in the wild for too long, she said. “It just does not make sense not to capture them,” she said.”

of course, one of these pigs has been caught, so unless these pigs are about to start breeding through some kind of fission, it doesn’t seem like we’re about to face a massive challenge from rapidly-reproducing pigs.

“We don’t know how they got out there, where the pigs came from,” Small said, but animal control officers are working as hard as they can to “provide for them a safe environment.”

you know, in retrospect, this maybe wasn’t the funniest story to rag on, because it’s mostly me being disgusted with this choice of title selection and/or the work ethic of Robin Small, but not REALLY theatrically disgusted, you know? still, potbellied pigs are a little funny in-and-of themselves, right? right? (sigh) okay, well, let me try to crank up the outrage a little.

Lady Gaga... and some dudes
to this day, i cannot figure out how this woman ever got bullied

Lady Gaga advocates for anti-bullying laws after Jamey Rodemeyer suicide

or, as it could otherwise be stated, “somehow-famous musician makes overreaching, stupid remarks,” but then that wouldn’t be anything new or deserving of a headline. TIME TO CRANK UP THE RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION.

“Singing superstar Lada Gaga has utilized her following on Twitter to advocate for laws against bullying of vulnerable youth.”

okay, so first off, it’s sad this kid got bullied until he killed himself. second, there’s nothing wrong with campaigns against bullying and celebrities using their celebrity to advocate that. so we agree there’s some VAGUE good intentions at work here, right? and that i am not a complete monster? that said, once i start hearing “advocate for laws against,” my “what is the point of this” radar starts going off.

“I am meeting with our President. I will not stop fighting. This must end. Our generation has the power to end it. Trend it #MakeALawForJamey,” Lady Gaga tweeted on Wednesday evening. It isn’t clear whether she is talking about President Barack Obama, who will be at the Department of Education’s national summit against bullying.”

so here we go. for one thing, i don’t think the US president should find himself at the beck and call of Lady Gaga (or any other musician for that matter), and so i HOPE this “meeting with our president” is limited to “i intend to bump into him at this summit.” second, call me negative, but i somehow doubt any one generation has the power to end bullying … but if they do, it won’t be because a colorfully-dressed singer met with the president… since, as she may not know, the president doesn’t just make and pass laws. or beat up all the bullies. although if he DID somehow manage to do that, he might just guarantee my vote in 2012.

“Just before that, she tweeted: “Jamey Rodemeyer, 14 years old, took his life because of bullying. Bullying must become be [sic] illegal. It is hate crime.””

see, and that’s where i officially get off this bus. “it is hate crime?” look, hate crime legislation ALREADY covers crimes against the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people, so it’s not like they’re left out on that front. so now we’re just saying bullying, in and of itself, is a hate crime, even when it’s ALREADY a hate crime? this is what i was talking about when i raised my eyebrows earlier.

second, here’s the real point: there’s a limit to what you can prevent with legislation. people are going to do dumb, cruel, stupid shit NO MATTER WHAT. kids get told not to bully, and they do it anyway. they’re also told not to do drugs and have teenage pregnancies… and yet all that keeps happening. so thinking that passing a law making it capital-I ILLEGAL is going to stop all this is naive, at the very least. but more importantly, it makes me think you don’t know how to address the problem.

“”It was a constant taunting,” his mother, Tracy, told NBC affiliate WGRZ. “The same people over and over.” Rodemeyer was tormented both in person and online by people who posted nasty messages on his social media accounts. “I wouldn’t care if you died. No one would. So just do it : ) It would make everyone WAY more happier!” one comment read, reported by ABC News.”

one thing that i also wonder when i see stories like this is what the hell they mean by “posted nasty messages on his social media accounts.” i DEMAND some clarification, because it seems to me that this is something Rodemeyer could have addressed himself. and that doesn’t make it right, but it DOES make me confused.

“Although counselors had advised him not to post on social media sites, Rodemeyer posted a call for help on his Facebook page earlier this month. “I always say how bullied I am, but no one listens. … What do I have to do so people will listen to me?” he wrote, according to ABC. “No one in my school cares about preventing suicide, while you’re the ones calling me [gay slur] and tearing me down.””

and also… if he was talking to counselors about this, i presume they might have been ineffective or given him poor advice, but doesn’t that mean that SOMEONE was listening about this? because it strikes me that would have been an appropriate outlet for a) comments about suicide and b) naming the damn kids DOING the bullying so that the school could ATTEMPT to discipline them.

look, i get that bullying is a big deal. but i think what the average person wants to know is “were the kids reported to the school” and “did the school do anything about it, and why did they do what they did?” these are things that can be addressed specific to the situation, and hey, Rodemeyer’s case can be used as an example of how bullying should be handled.

but advocating for laws to make bullying a hate crime (or, i guess, a double hate crime) to the president as a solution? lame. LAME. i mean, it’s hard for me to believe that someone who wears meat professionally could espouse something this lame, so i am going to chalk it up to the emotions related to the event and leave it at that.

okay, time to lighten the mood again:

some poor, suffering kangaroo
an internet search for photos leads me to believe that kangaroos are CONSTANTLY beating the hell out of people… and i think this woman is going to be next

man, 80, hospitalized in Columbus from kangaroo attack

i think this website has long wondered long and hard about people who have weird animal collections. and they seem to all be in the Midwest, for some reason… not that i am accusing anyone of anything in the Midwest. it’s very classy there.

“A Marion man was recovering from injuries on Wednesday after he was attacked by a kangaroo on Tuesday morning.”

well, at least he wasn’t attacked by a teenage companion, so, it could have been worse. it seems like you often don’t recover from such things. then again, animals didn’t get that Mazzola character beaten up and/or killed, so at least he could say THAT in his favor.

“John Kokas was transported to Grant Medical Center in Columbus and remained in fair condition, 10TV’s Jessa Goddard reported. A woman called 911 and said that her 80-year-old father-in-law was attacked by the animal.”

now, look, i understand that he could have been innocently attacked by a kangaroo for no reason, i guess. it COULD happen. but you know, it’s the kind of scenario where i find myself curious about an explanation, you see?

“The call came from Kokas Exotics property where 10TV found the barbwire fences empty of animals and people living on the property not willing to offer any information. Police did not say how the incident occurred.”

and of course, being “not willing to offer any information” CERTAINLY doesn’t make me think the worst, most obscene things were going on between this 80-year-old and his kangaroo. not at all! and police won’t comment either? why not just title this story “man injured somehow, and maybe there was a kangaroo involved, say police in one of their biggest teases ever?”

“There are more than 42 varieties of kangaroos, they can range from one pound to 175 pounds, Goddard reported.”

thank you for reporting that your reporter noted there are lots of kinds of kangaroos, 10TV! this is very important information!

“Columbus Zoo Head Keeper Adele Dodge said regardless of the animal’s weight, any kangaroo would have the potential to cause serious harm. “If they feel threatened, they want to move away, if they don’t have that option then something else is going to come into play,” Dodge said.”

so basically Dodge is telling us that either a) this victim was doing SOMETHING to a kangaroo to make it feel threatened (which trying to romance it would seem to qualify as) or b) there was a tragic and/or comedic misunderstanding wherein an anxious kangaroo just started kicking ass. i am going to assume it was the former.

“The Marion County Sheriff’s Office said no criminal investigation was taking place and called the incident an “unfortunate accident.””

just once, i would like to get an off-the-record remark where one of these local officers says something along the lines of “well, it’s unfortunate, but then that’s the kind of thing that might happen when you have a kangaroo around for no reason.”

“It was why or what kind of contact Kokas had with any of the exotic animals on the property.”

i guess they meant “it was not clear” what kind of contact he had? well, of course it’s not, since the family won’t comment… but then, if you can’t just say “he owned kangaroos because they’re cool and when he was feeding that one, it beat him up,” then i am going to have to assume he bought the animal to be his illegal bride, and it finally rose up against him. but that’s just me.

“Kokas Exotics or any of Kokas’ family members did not comment.”


ugh. this week was kind of a let-down. next week, though, i am going to try and work on a listicle that involves the Road Warrior. we’re going for sheer ridiculousness!

“but the wonderful pig surprised us again”

let’s start this off with a pointless, unrelated-to-this update tale: apparently, our hero (that would be me) has another spider living in his computer/keyboard/that whole general area. the old one (named Anderson) used to rush out of my keyboard and attempt unsuccessfully to web my arm to my chair. this one has been chilling out on my monitor’s screen for hours. i shall also call him Anderson because, to be honest, it’s fine to name random spiders, but you can’t spend THAT much time on it.

also, here comes an update unrelated to that story!

Michelle Bachmann
…and then you put on the sunglasses, and then Bachmann is revealed to be an alien and the money says “this is your god” on it. and then we get with Keith David and we throw off their alien shackles! i mean… i think that’s what happens here

Bachmann claims HPV vaccine might cause ‘mental retardation’

so let me be honest: i have considered the idea of renaming this website/blog/whatever the fuck is going on here “Rippin’ On Bachmann” (mainly because i can’t think of a more clever title) and then just mocking this woman week after week after week until i just wish Flanders was dead. granted, i didn’t rip on her last week so much as i found the BEST photo of her and used it for a unrelated story, but still, that has to count halfway. this week, however, i am going to flip out about Bachmann for real.

“After piling on Texas Gov. Rick Perry in last night’s presidential debate, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) is continuing to attack the 2012 frontrunner for mandating that young girls get the human papillomavirus (HPV) vaccine.”

let me just say that i cannot manage to get excited about this controversy. i have no doubt that Bachmann would exceed any executive powers SHE was given; i find it laughable for politicians to accuse other politicians of crony capitalism; i can see both sides of the vaccine question. whatever. we’re not really concerned with all that serious business here; this is ostensibly a COMEDY website or something along those lines.

“Social conservatives argue that the vaccine, which protects against a sexually-transmitted disease that can lead to cervical cancer, encourages promiscuity.”

…although i will note that this is clearly true as women who are alive are CLEARLY more likely to have sex than dead woman. THOSE WHORES

“Post-debate, the Minnesota congresswoman sent out a fundraising appeal on the issue with the title “I’m Offended.” In interviews after the debate, she suggested that the vaccine could do permanent damage.”

well, you know what i am offended by? that you’d immediately send out a fundraising appeal named after a two-word phrase you threw out there in the middle of this debate. actually, i’m offended by having to listen to all this presidential debate noise more than a year BEFORE the election, not that this ensures that we’re basically spending two years of a four-year term running for the next term. and i’m offended that this immediate fundraising is predicated on this “vaccine could do permanent damage” nonsense, as this is based on… what exactly? wait, we’ll be coming back to this.

okay… taking a deep breath here…

“There’s a woman who came up crying to me tonight after the debate. She said her daughter was given that vaccine,” Bachmann said on Fox News. “She told me her daughter suffered mental retardation as a result. There are very dangerous consequences.”

so first off, this is what, one random person? who’s giving you a completely unsupported, unverifiable anecdote? that doesn’t even jibe with the fictional claims about these vaccines as presented to date? and you’re going to be so “offended” that you’re going to repeat this singular, completely vague anecdote and/or its conclusion in a presidential debate? and all over the fucking news? are you kidding me?

“Bachmann repeated the allegation on the “Today Show” this morning, adding, “It’s very clear that crony capitalism could have likely been the cause, because the governor’s former chief of staff was the chief lobbyist for this drug company.”

so, for one thing, i am IMMEDIATELY burned out on (or maybe “offended” by) this goddamn “crony capitalism” catchphrase that i have heard Bachmann and Palin running with. it sounds stupid and it applies to every last one of you. EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU. look, Bachmann has touted her amazing fundraising prowess (and it is legitimately impressive), but i don’t recall her demonstrating that it’s free of what she accuses others of.

in fact, i am pretty sure that Bachmann and Palin and all the rest of the people talking “crony capitalism” have accepted big dollars from big business (or even small-to-moderate business) that they’ve then promoted or defended in some way. call me crazy. or maybe this is just all my vaccines talking?

“And she’s getting support from a sometime-rival, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin.”

OF COURSE SHE IS. after all, someone’s pointing a news camera at Bachmann, right?

“”You have to go up against the big guns,” Palin said on FOX News last night.”

there’s something about this sentence, and i’m not sure what it is, that makes me doubt her sentiment there…

“But some conservatives are pushing back on Bachmann’s ‘mental retardation’ claim, saying the candidate went too far. The most charitable analysis that can be offered in this case for Bachmann is that she got duped into repeating a vaccine-scare urban legend on national television.” wrote Ed Morrissey on Hot Air today. “Bachmann might have blown it, she might have jumped the shark,” Rush Limbaugh said on his radio show. “There’s no evidence that the vaccine causes mental retardation.””

anyway, i think it’s pretty fair to say that when Rush Limbaugh is accusing you of going too far, you might just have gone too far, Bachmann. because as that hero of women’s cervices (cervices? that’s the spelling?) everywhere himself, Rick Perry, has noted: “You heard the same arguments about giving our children protections from some of the childhood diseases, and they were, autism was part of that … Now we’ve subsequently found out that was generated and not true.” i couldn’t put it better myself if i shot a coyote in self-defense immediately after saying it.

“A 1998 study linking autism to vaccines was exposed earlier this year as a complete fraud. However, anti-vaccine activists continue to believe there is a connection.”

this sentence just makes me laugh until i feel sad. it’s proven as a “complete fraud” … and yet these activists continue to think otherwise.

but honestly, beyond all that, the REAL joke is how this argument was presented: as if one possibly-fictional woman’s possibly-fictional anecdote that cannot be verified in ANY WAY was proper support for such a bold claim. and then we go further, with Bachmann defending her remarks in the following manner:

“”I didn’t make any statements that would indicate that I’m a doctor, I’m a scientist or that I’m making any conclusions about the drug one way or another.””

alright, one, no one is mistaking you for a doctor or scientist; we’d just mistaking you for someone who understands that when you make a claim, the presumption is that you either a) directly know what the fuck you’re talking about or b) you can support what the fuck you’re talking about in SOME manner. look, i wasn’t in the Vietnam War, but i can talk about it because i can rely on something for support. i will cite the ever-loving fuck out of Bernard Fall until everyone’s just demanding that i please, please stop quoting long-dead Frenchmen and get back to the topic. so lacking the status of a medical doctor or scientist, the presumption is that you wouldn’t open your mouth regarding a topic unless you were SUPPORTED by one of those kinds of dudes.

and two… you absolutely made a statement that would indicate that you’re making a conclusion about the drug one way or another: you questioned the vaccine with a story wherein it was claimed that the vaccine would make children retarded. the conclusion is “the state should not be making this vaccine mandatory because of perceived health risks.” is it so far beyond your intellectual capacity to understand this is making a conclusion?

well… i’m talking about someone who thinks a blank check can be for a specific amount of money. so who knows.

Russian air crash
house of hate: now bringing you comedy you feel really bad about laughing at

navigator in Russia crash was ‘lightly drunk’

it’s not that i WANT to play into some tragic stereotype about Russians, it’s just… well, they’re making it impossible for me to do so in this case. can we find some comedy in this tragic story?

“The navigator of a Russian plane that crashed in June, killing 47 people, was legally drunk, an official report has said. Russia’s Interstate Aviation Committee said the navigator “was in a light state of alcoholic intoxication” as the crew attempted to land the plane, in a report posted on its website on Monday.”

i think most of us would probably agree that when it comes to flying a plane, there is no such thing as a “light state of alcoholic intoxication”: either you’re intoxicated and you shouldn’t be flying the plane, or you’re totally fine. although i DO think the way “alcoholic intoxication” makes it seem like a Russian official is ready to admit that “yes, sometimes our pilots and crew are intoxicated due to heroin use, but those individuals have never had a problem flying their planes.”

“The report said the experienced navigator, 50, was “excessively active”, with data recorders showing he had told the chief pilot several times to speed up the landing.”

so, okay, “excessively active” is the best way to phrase “drunkenly demanding random shit as the plane crashes.” however, i have to ask this of the SOBER pilot: were you listening to the half-drunk navigator as he told you to SPEED UP the landing through a substantial amount of fog? because if so… i kind of think we can’t totally blame this on the drunk Russian in the cockpit.

“At one point, he told the pilot: “Sasha, turn quicker, come on!” the report said.”

so you can see how i expect this man to be ignored. well, i don’t know anything about landing planes, so it’s actually possible that was all sound advice. who knows!

“The navigator’s body was found to have 0.81 grams of alcohol per litre of blood, which would have caused a “light” level of drunkenness, likely to make a person less self-critical, the report said. His blood alcohol content was just over the legal limit for driving in Britain and many US states, although Russia has a zero tolerance policy for drivers.”

back to this “light” level of drunkenness thing. so if i understand it correctly, 0.81 grams of alcohol per litre of blood is “light” drunkenness when you’re flying a plane in Russia, but over the legal limit (aka “totally drunk”) if you’re operating a motor vehicle in Russia? i am detecting a SLIGHT contradiction here… also, i assume that a “zero tolerance policy” for drunk drivers in Russia means if they catch you driving drunk, you get shot.

“The navigator had 25 years’ experience and had logged more than 13,000 hours on Tu-134 flights, said the committee. It added the navigator’s behaviour was a contributing factor in the crash, but found that the main cause was the incorrect decision not to abort the landing as the plane descended into thick fog with no sight of the runway.”

which means that the sad fact is that having a drunken crew member on the loose, shouting ill-advised plans and calling grown men “Sasha” is at best a CONTRIBUTING factor here. which in turn means that a sober man made poorer decisions than a lightly-intoxicating one.

“It blamed a “lack of discipline and excessive self-assurance of the crew members”.”


“The question remained why the navigator had been permitted to fly. A pre-flight medical examination of the crew appeared to have been done “as a formality”, the report, with all of the crew recorded as having exactly the same pulse rate.”

at this point, i must ask some Russian doctor to explain to me what the hell taking everyone’s pulse rate is supposed to accomplish. i mean, okay, perhaps the medical exam was more complicated and involves the phrase “entire crew appeared to be sober,” but i’m picturing some bloodied, crying doctor tied to a chair in front of Putin, sobbing “but they all had the same pulse rate! they all had the same pulse rate! how was i to know?” …and then Putin tears out his heart and eats it.

“Forty-four people died on the scene of the crash and three died later in hospital. Among the dead were a citizen of the Netherlands, a Swede and two Ukrainians. Five people, including a stewardess, survived the crash with serious injuries.”

…and THEN i remember why it’s probably not cool to be making fun of this story. damn.

…and that is the story of how a random pig replaced former Chinese national hero Yao Ming in the hearts and minds of Chinese citizens everywhere

finally, something completely ridiculous to lighten the mood!

“A heroic pig who survived more than a month buried under rubble after the 2008 earthquake in China’s Sichuan province has been successfully cloned, according to a report Sunday.”

now, with all due respect to China, here in America we demand that our animals save someone (or at least get a murderer arrested from beyond the grave) before we start calling them “heroic.” survived more than a month buried under rubble? it’s pretty impressive… but if you want to be a hero, you’ve got to save a baby while you’re at it. or maybe TWO babies.

“Scientists in the southern city of Shenzhen performed the experiment on Zhu Jianqiang, or “Strong-Willed Pig”, and produced six offspring with DNA identical to their dad, who was hailed as a national hero following his harrowing ordeal, the Sunday Morning Post reported.”

so i grant you that this pig has a completely awesome name, and i wish i knew Chinese so that i could warp it into a term of reference for myself that meant “Strong-Willed Janklow,” since my concern is i would mess up and legions of Chinese internet users would know me as “Pig Janklow.” but all that aside, a NATIONAL hero? not just regional news? but NATIONAL? China, you are officially ridiculous to me this week.

“The births over the past few weeks of six piglets happened even though Zhu had been castrated before the quake, suffered severe trauma from being buried for 36 days, and is five years old – or about 60 in human terms.”

i like how they just throw “castrated in there.” “yeah, this pig was traumatized and injured and is already very old… and also, uh, was once castrated.” note to Chinese scientists: castration is the part of that pig description that makes his ability to produce offspring the most impressive. any random pig can get dug out from under some debris and immediately go back to trying to knock up female pigs!

“”But the wonderful pig surprised us again,” Du Yutao, the leader of the cloning project, told the Post.”

…and that’s how i learned my new favorite saying for the week.

“The 330-pound (150 kilogram) hog reportedly survived in the ruins of its sty by chewing charcoal and drinking rainwater.”

see, if you ask me “consuming a large amount of charcoal to live” is a MUCH more heroic feat than “being trapped under heavy stuff.” as a guy who weighs 13 pounds, i know how easy it is to get trapped under heavy stuff. it’s not really THAT impressive. eating charcoal, on the other hand…

“His offspring reportedly bear a striking resemblance to their dad, including a birthmark between their eyes, the Post reported.”

well… they were cloned, right? isn’t this how clones work? anyone?

also, i love how this article has a link to another article entitled “Earthquake spares pig,” as if the earthquake was some kind of Greek deity or Old Testament god that killed the hell out of a lot of Chinese people and then said to itself, “however, this pig is a noble hero whom all mankind must respect” and then spared the pig.

okay, that does it for this week. i’m going to go play with my spider now.

regarding women’s poor decisions regarding child rearing and hot beef injections. wait… not that kind of hot beef injections

well, this update is incredibly late, so rather than coming up with a legitimate-sounding excuse, let’s just attribute it to… uh… a bear attack. yes, a bear attack! i was working diligently on this week’s (well… LAST week’s) update when i was attacking, out of nowhere, by a bear! however, i don’t want to take up a lot of time describing this bear attack because, well, we’ve got an update to get to here. and with that said…

Sarah Cheek
keeping it extra classy down in Florida. oh, and keeping children unattended in the rain

mother accused of leaving child alone to go get drinks

“A woman in Volusia County is accused of leaving her child alone while she went drinking.”

i know this sounds very similar to that time i made fun of a couple for leaving their kid in the car so that they could go drink in a strip club, but there are some differences, so play along. like you read that previous update anyway! now, there are a lot of ways a story like this can go, and most of the time, it’s probably “left the child alone at home with the television on and/or tied to the bed like in Casino in order to leave the house and go drinking.” however… not in this case.

“According to a police report, Sarah Cheek left the toddler in a stroller outside Crooks Den, a bar in Daytona Beach as she drank beer. Witnesses said the child sat there for 20 minutes.”

yes, that’s right, the child wasn’t in a car… but a stroller outside of the lovingly-named “Crooks Den” (just the kind of place you want to stash your unattended child outside of). which i suppose is better on hot, sunny days, but, well, we’ll come back to the whole “weather” thing later. anyway, i would think you could spend 20 minutes grabbing some six-packs and taking them and your daughter HOME to drink, but that’s just me. i’ve been known to drink alone in my home.

“Cheek gave the judge an interesting excuse in court on Friday for why she was at the bar. She said she was looking for a job, but people who saw her there Thursday night said she was drinking.”

there’s some kind of British joke here involving her name and the audacity to make that your explanation… but you know, i’ve heard some OUTLANDISH excuses work in court. my all-time favorite is the pair of people who both claimed they were speeding because the sun was in their eyes. personally, it seems to me that a) you can still FEEL that you’re speeding and b) you shouldn’t speed in situations where you ADMIT you cannot see… but then, those people got off, so what the hell do i know?

“Investigators said the toddler was sitting in a stroller alone on the sidewalk outside of a bar, and that’s when Reed Roberts and others began asking where the 5-year-old’s parents were. “You won’t believe what’s going on over there. They’ve left a kid out in the stroller and it’s starting to rain,” Reed said. The sight angered bar patrons more when they said they saw the child’s mother, 34-year-old Cheek, drinking beer inside the bar; so they called police.”

i am going to go out on a limb and note that when you’re managing to outrage an entire bar full of Floridians who are all drinking what i can only assume to be “cheap domestic beer,” you should know that you’re hitting a low in your life. this is your hint-and-a-half to go collect your stroller laden with child and roll that thing home.

“”The kid could have sat there for two hours and just been rained on,” Reed said.”

or bitten in the face by a dog, or abducted, or molested, or murdered. let’s be honest: the problem is that a child was abandoned outside a bar in a stroller, not that there was a slight chance of rain.

“During her first appearance in court, Cheek tried to explain to the judge that she only stepped inside for a few minutes. “I was two feet away from the bar, opened the door asked ‘Hey when is your manager going to be in because I’m going to be in, because I want to apply for a job and then…” Cheek said. However, the judge interrupted Cheek saying, “Ma’am we’re not trying the case today.””

one, i like this judge. two, doesn’t this seem like an idiotic explanation that is immediately shot down by eyewitnesses saying you were IN the bar drinking? would the police have been called if all you’d done was lean inside the door and ask a question? three, i am incredibly annoyed that this story does not make it clear what time of day these events are happening.

“A police report stated that Cheek was taking the toddler for a walk from a home. Only a teen and a child were at the home alone when WFTV visited it earlier Friday.”

i would probably have written this as “unrelated note: when trying to get a comment from Cheek, other unattended children were found being poorly raised at her home.”

“Witnesses told police they saw Cheek drink two beers and spend about 20 minutes in the bar, while her daughter was outside. “Number one, that’s no place for a kid. Number two, you don’t leave children alone. Number three, it’s no good when it’s raining on them,” Reed said.”

number four, Reed Roberts is incredibly concerned about the possibility of rain striking a child. especially an unattended child! or maybe he’s just concerned about ANYONE getting rained on! but the man is correct: it’s no good when it’s raining on you or your children trapped in strollers.

“The Department of Children and Families is investigating the case.”

well, good luck with that. the matter seems so unclear! but the real question is, can we top this tale of neglect? let’s find out…

i really do love both the ridiculous name of the tanning salon and the matter-of-fact “baby found in hot car” title, like this kind of thing is always randomly happening

Colorado mom left child in blistering car while she went to the tanning salon

“A Colorado mom is in hot water with cops after leaving her toddler in a hot car – while she went to a tanning bed.”

yes, we CAN top it! because while we can at least pretend the aforementioned mother was a sad, sad alcoholic who was driven by her disease to leave her child and drink, this woman… well, let’s just say that you don’t get the same kind of leeway when you say you’re “driven to tan.”

“Imene Nouis, 31, was cited for child abuse on Thursday after cops removed her toddler from her car in Parker, Colorado. Cops said temperatures had reached a blistering 135 degrees inside the potentially deadly vehicle, Fox 31 reported. “I had a bad judgment,” Nouis told 9NEWS on Friday. “Obviously, I’m going to be punished for it.””

let me just take a break in my usual “everything’s a joke” attitude to point out that 135 degrees is impressively hot. the kind of hot you should PROBABLY not leave your child unattended in. maybe, just maybe, the kind of hot that exceeds “a bad judgment.”

“An alert witness called cops after spotting the helpless kid inside the car, with windows rolled up and the air conditioning off, according to the report.”

so while i cannot tell if they’re implying that the car was on with the AC off (which just seems cruel) or off with the AC naturally off (which makes more sense, as AC wastes gasoline), i DO still know that you’re not supposed to abandon your child in your car. even if you REALLY need to tan.

“”I put my ear against the driver side window and I could hear the baby crying,” an employee of the tanning salon told 9News. After cops rescued the child, employees at the tanning salon went to get the neglectful mom from her tanning bed – where she had been frying for about 12 minutes. She reportedly told cops that she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping child and decided instead just to leave her in the car.”

i’m not sure why you bother to make an excuse like that. see, it’s not like it’s better than you left a sleeping child in the 135 degree car as opposed to leaving an AWAKE child there; both of these choices are the decisions of a fucking moron (albeit one with a well-maintained tan). this is the time to roll out your REALLY outlandish excuse, like “diet pills made me do it.” you were so delirious from the diet pills that you NEEDED a tan and forgot that your child was with you! it still sounds stupid… but at least it doesn’t have that element of “i consciously thought it was cool to leave my child burning in a car.”

“Later, when reporters caught up the shamed mom, she was holding her daughter in her arms – who appeared to be happy and smiling. “As a human, tell me one person that hasn’t made a mistake,” she told 9News. “Thank God it wasn’t a detrimental mistake.””

uh… yeah, what you did WAS a detrimental mistake. forget the well-being of your child: is there not media attention over this? were the police not involved? are you perhaps facing child abuse charges? hmmm. and speaking of women’s poor decisions…

Michelle Bachmann
so, while searching for “women dies of hot beef injection,” i found this Bachmann photo for some reason; i will make no further comment

woman dies after injecting hot beef … fat into face

let me be honest: there is no way i can be serious or mature about this tragic event. NO WAY AT ALL. this woman died of a hot beef injection! this is ridiculous in every possible way! and thus you see why i must dissect this article.

“A south suburban woman died Thursday after apparently injecting heated beef fat into her face.”

must… resist… urge… to laugh unkindly about this… but come on, why would you inject heated beef fat into your face? what does this do? what the hell is the point of this? is this the bargain version of injecting collagen into your lips? but then… it doesn’t say the hot beef fat was going into the lips… oh man, this is not appropriate for seriously discussion.

“Janet Hardt, 63, of the 1000 block of W. 186th St. in Homewood, was pronounced dead at 6:25 p.m. at Advocate South Suburban Hospital in Hazel Crest, according to the Cook County Medical Examiner’s office. An autopsy Friday determined Hardt died of peritonitis, a severe abdominal inflammation caused by a bacterial infection suffered from weakened walls in her colon, according to the medical examiner’s office.”

okay, see, now it got serious on me. whew! although i doubt this can last.

“Infections she suffered in her face from the injections did not lead to her death, which was ruled natural, according to the medical examiner’s office.”

so while i understand that they’re ruling the death natural because of the colon infections, if i was the medical examiner in this case (and i think we’re all thankful that i am not), there is absolutely no way i would be ruling this death natural.

police officer: “so… don’t you think this woman died of natural causes? she had a serious colon infection.”
medical examiner janklow: “okay, this corpse’s face is jammed with hot beef fat for some reason. there is absolutely nothing natural about that shit. NOTHING. so either she killed herself through the worst plastic surgery ever, or there is an incredibly complicated killer out there.”
police officer: “…but i don’t think that the hot beef fat caused the death, because-”

i’m not saying that i’d keep the job for a long period of time. i’m just saying that i wouldn’t let my work as a medical examiner kill my EMOTIONS.

“A source said shortly before Hardt died, she injected heated beef fat into her face around her mouth and chin, a procedure she had done before on several occasions.”

see, while i don’t want to ignore that whole “died of natural causes” thing … it’s very hard to separate “shortly before she died” and “injected heated beef fat into her face.” i’d be saying the same thing if she, say, had been handling snakes in some kind of religious ceremony instead of injecting heated beef fat into her face… and that’s how we learned that some things make those snake-handler types seem normal.

Her face reportedly looked “grotesque” and the infections in her mouth and lip also had scarring from performing the injections “for some time.”

i am honestly shocked that a woman who was injecting heated beef fat into her face would SOMEHOW come away with a “grotesque” appearance. HONESTLY SHOCKED.

“The victim was reportedly “obsessed” with the process of performing self-injections-“


“-and had developed her own “process,” according to a source. She would boil the beef herself, extract the fat and inject it into her face.”

this just sounds crazy because it implies there’s a PROPER way to inject heated beef fat into one’s face, and that she’s simply developed some kind of rogue process. i would like to assure everyone that this is not the case. people, heated beef fat is for making various dinners and/or spoiling your dog. it is not for homemade cosmetic surgery. in fact… maybe we should say “hell no” to the idea of ANY homemade cosmetic surgery, even if it doesn’t involve heated beef fat.

“Hardt went to the hospital after complaining that her face felt like it was burning, according to the source.”

“when asked if there was anything that might have caused such a feeling, she explained to the doctors that she had injected heated beef fat into her face, after which they repeated “really?” over and over until she died.”

“She had previously undergone multiple facial surgeries, the source said. Her face had a “tight’’ appearance and was not very wrinkled.”

so either this means that there is, shockingly, some benefit to jamming your face full of hot beef fat… or the hot beef injections had nothing to do with it. i’m leaning towards the latter.

so that concludes our week of belatedly ragging on women who lead very rough lives. such is life! maybe i’ll make fun of some dudes next week or something.

in which we revisit the notion of “synthetic vagina” and the men who lust for such… things

so there were some capital-L Legitimate Distractions this week that prevented me from doing my best to complete my “comedy mission” in a timely fashion, which i won’t get into here because i don’t think REAL LIFE has anything to do with internet shenanigans (and vice versa), and so you’ll just have to take my word on that, okay? i do think we’re pretty honest about our failures to provide comedy here.

ANYWAY, we’re going to go with the old reliable method of “ripping on random news events,” which i admit was never the original intention for this illustrious website back in its formative days, but hey, it seems to be working alright, right? sure. and i may even have reference to some past story-types as well. so let’s get to it:

the combination of this adult storefront and the “Action News” logo may give you an entirely mistaken idea about what kind of crime went on in this story

robber uses semi to smash adult store and steal sex toy

now, YEARS ago (as in, 2007), we had an NC-17 anthropology entry (which we haven’t even had any of since 2009, to be honest) that discussed the confusing topic of “synthetic vaginas.” and when i say “confusing,” the high points basically boiled down to me being confused about:
–who the hell is supposedly buying these things
–who the hell is supposedly USING these things
–the purpose of fucking a synthetic vagina modeled after that “some famous pornographic actress”

the latter is not going to be addressed or resolved today, but this story might relate somewhat to the former two.

“Deputies in Lorain County are on the lookout for a man who pulled a ‘crash and grab’ with a stolen tractor-trailer truck in an AdultMart and stole an $800 sex toy.”

so this tells us that, at the very least, there is either ONE guy out there desiring sex with a synthetic vagina (my original research turned up no results on that score) or one guy who’s got a buyer lined up for a synthetic vagina (which would actually hit BOTH of the categories i got no results for). that said, i don’t think “crazed criminals driving into things” is a legitimate market for any product you expect to bring you financial security, so there still has got to be more research to be done.

also… an $800 sex toy? i don’t claim to know what the current retail price for these kinds of things is, but $800 sounds very expensive for a piece of plastic that a lonely man ejaculates into while pretending he’s having sex with a girl. i HAVE to assume it’s modeled on the genitalia of some famous pornographic actress.

“Definitely weird. It’s kind of crazy to steal a vehicle that’s that expensive to break into a story to get some kind of sex toy,” said Det. Tony Kovacs, with the Lorain County Sheriff’s Department.”

and you know, Detective Kovacs, i don’t think we even have to go that far. it’s kind of crazy to break into a store to get some kind of sex toy PERIOD, whether or not there’s an expensive truck involved. i would even be willing to go so far as to claim it’s kind of crazy to fuck a synthetic vagina (or lust after one) at all, but i’m worried i might alienate some people because, you know, this IS the internet we’re on right now.

“John Tirbaso, who owns JT Container Recycling in Elyria, got a call from deputies early Monday morning. He was told his semi-truck had been stolen and used to drive through a building for a burglary. “I even said, ‘Wow, you know this economy is bad, I guess this stuff is going to happen’, then, when he told me what happened it just threw me off,” Tirbaso said.”

i love the relatively nonchalant attitude towards hearing his truck was used in the criminal acquisition of some kind of high-end pocket pussy, but i think it IS fair to point out that this kind of crime might still relate to the bad economy. it’s not like the average guy finds it easy to scrape together the $800 you need to purchase such quality replica genitals.

“[The burglar] used it to back into the AdultMart, smashing the glass door of the store and ran inside to steal a sex toy basically,” Kovacs said. When asked to describe it, Kovacs said, “It’s basically the lower half of a female body.”

first, the really sad part is that this is all the burglar stole, which means this isn’t about an economic issue like not being able to afford a product or making money through crime, but rather, is probably about the obsession that comes from not being able to fuck the synthetic vagina one cannot afford. truly heartbreaking.

second, it is always the Best Thing when you make police officials awkwardly answer questions like “could you explain what EXACTLY the criminal tried to steal?” and as always, this is why i could never work as a police official.

local television reporter: “could you explain what EXACTLY the criminal tried to steal?”
officer janklow: “yeah, it was a synthetic vagina. there’s a bunch of expensive ones modeled on the poontang of famous porn stars. lonely internet nerds who may or may not wear wizard cloaks instead of coats are always buying and fucking the shit out of these plastic wells of sadness.”

…or some local jurisdiction could hire me and we could see how it goes. i keep my options open.

“Kovacs says the crook went straight for it, like he had been in the store before. Then he got back in the semi and drove it back to where he stole it from. “It’s got to be a half-hour drive from here,” Tirbaso said.”


seriously, though, of COURSE he’d been in the store before. of COURSE he went straight for it. this was clearly not a crime done for profit, but a noble deal done for LOVE… of a plastic replica of the sexual organs of a woman who gets paid to have sexual intercourse on camera for a living.

“The crooks actions left Tirbaso asking the same question many are, “How did he jump out of the truck and run down the tracks, carrying this stuff?” Tirbaso wondered.”

because when you’re doing something for LOVE, it allows you to do seemingly superhuman things. it’s sort of like when a mother lifts a car off of her trapped baby; in this case, the mother is “a lonely man who’s semi-skilled at stealing large trucks,” the lifting is “fleeing on foot at a rapid pace carrying something bulky” and the baby is… well, let’s just say that i have just realized how horrible this analogy has become. also, the baby is “a synthetic representation of a adult film starlet’s naughty bits.”

“Tirbaso looked at some surveillance video and is sure it wasn’t one of his employees. While Tirbaso got his truck back, the crook did several thousand dollars worth of damage to both the truck, and gates he rammed getting out of the JT Container Recycling lot. Still, Tirbaso still can’t help but laugh. “It’s kind of funny I think,” he said.”

again, the healthiest of attitudes. because even if insurance doesn’t cover the damage 100%, you’re always going to have one amazing anecdote to tell at cocktail parties and other social events. and if someone at one of those events seems incredibly embarrassed for no good reason, you may just have outed that mystery thief … or, at the very least, you’ve done a little research into WHO THE HELL KEEPS BUYING THESE DAMN SYNTHETIC VAGINAS.

20 kg giant frog
well, why WOULDN’T you eat this giant frog you randomly found in Malaysia? it seems like a phenomenal idea to everyone!

giant child-sized frog discovered in Malaysia… and then eaten for some reason

on this website, we have tried to caution people about the problem with consuming mysterious items you find out on the water, whether they be possible aliens you catch (and later eat) or mysterious bricks of “cocaine” that make you go berserk (and later die). and yet the internet keeps reporting to me people DO NOT LISTEN to this sound advice. the latest event: the discovery and consumption of a giant frog. wait, what?

“Do you believe that a giant frog weighing a whopping 20kg had been spotted?”

to be honest, i actually AM willing to believe this has happened. it’s not that outrageous of a notion, but then i also find cryptozoology “interesting” (in addition to “laughable”). so this Chinese guy in Malaysia THEN claims that his “friend” was with a Malaysian who caught a 20kg frog and took an awkward photo of it… which is where i note that when the story involves what your “friend” saw, it’s probably just a sad lie.

“According to him, the enormous animal was captured by an Orang Asli by the riverside. His friend was startled upon seeing the creature because previously, he had never seen a frog with that size in his entire life. The man added, his friend offered to buy the frog for RM500 but the Orang Asli demanded RM1,000 instead. As the friend was not having enough money with him at that time, he went home to get more money.”

thank you for unnecessarily spelling out why someone finds a giant frog to be startling: because giant frogs are giant. WHOA. also, another indication that this story is not entirely on the level is that you’d THINK this Chinese guy’s friend could say “hey, bring that frog to my house and i’ll pay you there.” but it’s not like this story is going to get MORE logical…

“”When my friend returned to the Orang Asli’s house with the money, he discovered that the giant frog had been slaughtered and eaten. It was also learnt that the Orang Asli fell ill after consuming the frog and until today, he is still bed-ridden and unable to move around,” he said.”

and so, this story actually combines the worst of BOTH previous “what not to do with mysterious items you find out on the water”:
–this Malaysian devoured the frog, much like those Russians, in violation of scientific discovery and common sense (as well as economic principle, since i doubt he got RM500 worth of food from that turbo-frog meal);
–this Malaysian is probably going to go insane and die from his illness, much like that Floridian who inhaled the mystery brick. STOP EATING MYSTERIES OF NATURE, PEOPLE.

“He added, the Orang Asli did not allow any photo taking but his friend took a photo of the frog in secret.”

(sarcastic eye roll) HOW CONVENIENT. anyway, when all you have is a photo and a sick Malaysian, you don’t have a cool frog discovery, you have a lame story and, i guess, a sick Malaysian. so it goes.

some donkeys, for whatever reason
while searching the internet for “bad mothering lawsuit,” i got a result of this picture of donkeys. i don’t question the internet

‘bad mothering’ lawsuit dismissed

can you tell from that title alone that it’s going to make me flip out? i think you can.

“Raised in a $1.5 million Barrington Hills home by their attorney father, two grown children have spent the last two years pursuing a unique lawsuit against their mom for “bad mothering” damages allegedly caused when she failed to buy toys for one and sent another a birthday card he didn’t like.”


so, okay, these children were raised in a fancy home by their father, who is also a LAWYER, which tells us that if their mother really was a legitimately TERRIBLE mother, he’d probably have had custody easily. and they’re fucking GROWN children, which means this can’t be an issue that’s addressing a pressing issue of child-rearing. and as soon as we get to “sent another a birthday card he didn’t like,” i think it’s clear that these children need to be beaten into severe injury by a team of goons. but, okay, maybe this is misleading?

“The alleged offenses include failing to take her daughter to a car show, telling her then-7-year-old son to buckle his seat belt or she would contact police, “haggling” over the amount to spend on party dresses and calling her daughter at midnight to ask that she return home from celebrating homecoming.”

OUTRAGEOUS! gentlemen, toss your powdered wigs and pop your monocles in fury at the audacity of this woman!

“Last week, when the court record stood about a foot tall, an Illinois appeals court dismissed the case, finding that none of the mother’s conduct was “extreme or outrageous.” To rule in favor of her children, the court found, “could potentially open the floodgates to subject family child rearing to … excessive judicial scrutiny and interference.””

a sound finding… but i am not sure it goes far enough. this does not seem like only an issue of the accusations not meeting a legitimate standard, but also, and forgive me for being negative about lawyers, an issue of yet another goddamn lawyer filing a goddamn nuisance lawsuit over some goddamn petty personal dispute. shocking, i know.

“In 2009, the children, represented by three attorneys including their father, Steven A. Miner, sued their mother, Kimberly Garrity. Steven II, now 23, and his sister Kathryn, now 20, sought more than $50,000 for “emotional distress.” Among the exhibits filed in the case is a birthday card Garrity sent her son, who in his lawsuit sought damages because the card was “inappropriate” and failed to include cash or a check. He also alleged she failed to send a card for years or, while he was in college, care packages.”

or in other words, these kids are basically convinced that their mother should have kicked out $50000-worth of things in their childhood, so they’re rectifying that now. wait, strike that: these kids want $50000 to spend on drugs (or maybe $800 synthetic vaginas, as i don’t know what Steven II, now 23, is into these days) and their (let’s assume here) millionaire lawyer says to them, “hey, i bet you can sue your mother for not gifting you properly and get that money.” and then he probably stomps a kitten to death just because.

“On the front of the American Greetings card is a picture of tomatoes spread across a table that are indistinguishable except for one in the middle with craft-store googly eyes attached. “Son I got you this Birthday card because it’s just like you … different from all the rest!” the card reads. On the inside Garrity wrote, “Have a great day! Love & Hugs, Mom xoxoxo.””


“In court papers, Garrity’s attorney Shelley Smith said the “litany of childish complaints and ingratitude” in the lawsuit is nothing more than an attempt by Garrity’s ex-husband to “seek the ultimate revenge” of having her children accuse her of “being an inadequate mother.” “It would be laughable that these children of privilege would sue their mother for emotional distress, if the consequences were not so deadly serious” for Garrity, Smith wrote. “There is no insurance for this claim, so (Garrity) must pay her legal fees, while (the children) have their father for free.””

this is actually a pretty solid summary. but i would go further, because it seems clear that this is less about making mother sad by calling her inadequate and more about that AND hurting her personally by making her spend time, legal costs and a $50000 penalty. to which i have to ask: where the fuck do these kids get off?

“Steven A. Miner, reached by phone, did not comment. In court papers he said he only filed the lawsuit after much legal research and had tried to dissuade his children from bringing the case.”

(additional sarcastic eye roll) i am sure he tried VERY hard to dissuade them.

“The Cook County judge who ruled on the case, Kathy Flanagan, declined to assess sanctions against Miner, but said the lawsuit amounted to nothing more than children “suing their mother for bad mothering.””

…and this is why i am not a judge.

terrible lawyer father: “so, your Honor, i think my children should be awarded $50000 because their mother failed to buy toys for her daughter and sent her son a birthday card he didn’t like.”
the honorable janklow: “i think this lawsuit amounts to nothing more than some fucking ridiculous bullshit. bailiff, please beat the hell out of these goddamn wiener kids.”

or maybe i SHOULD be a judge. again, i keep my options open.

“Steven A. Miner wrote that the case is no different from a patient suing a physician “for bad doctoring.” The children “do not view their (lawsuit) as an attack on mothering, but rather on accountability,” he wrote. “Everyone makes mistakes, but … there must be accountability for actions. Parenting is no different.””

here’s where the remark about how someone should be taking accountability for the stupid fucking decision to let your children sue their mother because she sent a birthday card they didn’t like because it wasn’t stuffed with cash. but you see, janklow, only OTHER PEOPLE need to take accountability for their actions. whoops, i forgot about that.

also, if you’re telling me this lawsuit is no different than suing for “bad doctoring,” i have to ask a) again, HOW hard did you attempt to dissuade them from filing this lawsuit? and b) is “bad doctoring” what you accuse of doctor of doing? isn’t the word you want “malpractice?”

anyway, these children are dicks and their father is a dick and the legal system, which continues to make me sad, at least worked out mostly right in this case. and i say mostly because i don’t think any bailiffs actually threw these kids a beating.

and that’s it for me this week. i’m spent. good night, internet.