well, this update is incredibly late, so rather than coming up with a legitimate-sounding excuse, let’s just attribute it to… uh… a bear attack. yes, a bear attack! i was working diligently on this week’s (well… LAST week’s) update when i was attacking, out of nowhere, by a bear! however, i don’t want to take up a lot of time describing this bear attack because, well, we’ve got an update to get to here. and with that said…
keeping it extra classy down in Florida. oh, and keeping children unattended in the rain
“A woman in Volusia County is accused of leaving her child alone while she went drinking.”
i know this sounds very similar to that time i made fun of a couple for leaving their kid in the car so that they could go drink in a strip club, but there are some differences, so play along. like you read that previous update anyway! now, there are a lot of ways a story like this can go, and most of the time, it’s probably “left the child alone at home with the television on and/or tied to the bed like in Casino in order to leave the house and go drinking.” however… not in this case.
“According to a police report, Sarah Cheek left the toddler in a stroller outside Crooks Den, a bar in Daytona Beach as she drank beer. Witnesses said the child sat there for 20 minutes.”
yes, that’s right, the child wasn’t in a car… but a stroller outside of the lovingly-named “Crooks Den” (just the kind of place you want to stash your unattended child outside of). which i suppose is better on hot, sunny days, but, well, we’ll come back to the whole “weather” thing later. anyway, i would think you could spend 20 minutes grabbing some six-packs and taking them and your daughter HOME to drink, but that’s just me. i’ve been known to drink alone in my home.
“Cheek gave the judge an interesting excuse in court on Friday for why she was at the bar. She said she was looking for a job, but people who saw her there Thursday night said she was drinking.”
there’s some kind of British joke here involving her name and the audacity to make that your explanation… but you know, i’ve heard some OUTLANDISH excuses work in court. my all-time favorite is the pair of people who both claimed they were speeding because the sun was in their eyes. personally, it seems to me that a) you can still FEEL that you’re speeding and b) you shouldn’t speed in situations where you ADMIT you cannot see… but then, those people got off, so what the hell do i know?
“Investigators said the toddler was sitting in a stroller alone on the sidewalk outside of a bar, and that’s when Reed Roberts and others began asking where the 5-year-old’s parents were. “You won’t believe what’s going on over there. They’ve left a kid out in the stroller and it’s starting to rain,” Reed said. The sight angered bar patrons more when they said they saw the child’s mother, 34-year-old Cheek, drinking beer inside the bar; so they called police.”
i am going to go out on a limb and note that when you’re managing to outrage an entire bar full of Floridians who are all drinking what i can only assume to be “cheap domestic beer,” you should know that you’re hitting a low in your life. this is your hint-and-a-half to go collect your stroller laden with child and roll that thing home.
“”The kid could have sat there for two hours and just been rained on,” Reed said.”
or bitten in the face by a dog, or abducted, or molested, or murdered. let’s be honest: the problem is that a child was abandoned outside a bar in a stroller, not that there was a slight chance of rain.
“During her first appearance in court, Cheek tried to explain to the judge that she only stepped inside for a few minutes. “I was two feet away from the bar, opened the door asked ‘Hey when is your manager going to be in because I’m going to be in, because I want to apply for a job and thenâ€¦” Cheek said. However, the judge interrupted Cheek saying, “Ma’am we’re not trying the case today.””
one, i like this judge. two, doesn’t this seem like an idiotic explanation that is immediately shot down by eyewitnesses saying you were IN the bar drinking? would the police have been called if all you’d done was lean inside the door and ask a question? three, i am incredibly annoyed that this story does not make it clear what time of day these events are happening.
“A police report stated that Cheek was taking the toddler for a walk from a home. Only a teen and a child were at the home alone when WFTV visited it earlier Friday.”
i would probably have written this as “unrelated note: when trying to get a comment from Cheek, other unattended children were found being poorly raised at her home.”
“Witnesses told police they saw Cheek drink two beers and spend about 20 minutes in the bar, while her daughter was outside. “Number one, that’s no place for a kid. Number two, you don’t leave children alone. Number three, it’s no good when it’s raining on them,” Reed said.”
number four, Reed Roberts is incredibly concerned about the possibility of rain striking a child. especially an unattended child! or maybe he’s just concerned about ANYONE getting rained on! but the man is correct: it’s no good when it’s raining on you or your children trapped in strollers.
“The Department of Children and Families is investigating the case.”
well, good luck with that. the matter seems so unclear! but the real question is, can we top this tale of neglect? let’s find out…
i really do love both the ridiculous name of the tanning salon and the matter-of-fact “baby found in hot car” title, like this kind of thing is always randomly happening
“A Colorado mom is in hot water with cops after leaving her toddler in a hot car â€“ while she went to a tanning bed.”
yes, we CAN top it! because while we can at least pretend the aforementioned mother was a sad, sad alcoholic who was driven by her disease to leave her child and drink, this woman… well, let’s just say that you don’t get the same kind of leeway when you say you’re “driven to tan.”
“Imene Nouis, 31, was cited for child abuse on Thursday after cops removed her toddler from her car in Parker, Colorado. Cops said temperatures had reached a blistering 135 degrees inside the potentially deadly vehicle, Fox 31 reported. “I had a bad judgment,” Nouis told 9NEWS on Friday. “Obviously, I’m going to be punished for it.””
let me just take a break in my usual “everything’s a joke” attitude to point out that 135 degrees is impressively hot. the kind of hot you should PROBABLY not leave your child unattended in. maybe, just maybe, the kind of hot that exceeds “a bad judgment.”
“An alert witness called cops after spotting the helpless kid inside the car, with windows rolled up and the air conditioning off, according to the report.”
so while i cannot tell if they’re implying that the car was on with the AC off (which just seems cruel) or off with the AC naturally off (which makes more sense, as AC wastes gasoline), i DO still know that you’re not supposed to abandon your child in your car. even if you REALLY need to tan.
“”I put my ear against the driver side window and I could hear the baby crying,” an employee of the tanning salon told 9News. After cops rescued the child, employees at the tanning salon went to get the neglectful mom from her tanning bed â€“ where she had been frying for about 12 minutes. She reportedly told cops that she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping child and decided instead just to leave her in the car.”
i’m not sure why you bother to make an excuse like that. see, it’s not like it’s better than you left a sleeping child in the 135 degree car as opposed to leaving an AWAKE child there; both of these choices are the decisions of a fucking moron (albeit one with a well-maintained tan). this is the time to roll out your REALLY outlandish excuse, like “diet pills made me do it.” you were so delirious from the diet pills that you NEEDED a tan and forgot that your child was with you! it still sounds stupid… but at least it doesn’t have that element of “i consciously thought it was cool to leave my child burning in a car.”
“Later, when reporters caught up the shamed mom, she was holding her daughter in her arms â€“ who appeared to be happy and smiling. “As a human, tell me one person that hasn’t made a mistake,” she told 9News. “Thank God it wasn’t a detrimental mistake.””
uh… yeah, what you did WAS a detrimental mistake. forget the well-being of your child: is there not media attention over this? were the police not involved? are you perhaps facing child abuse charges? hmmm. and speaking of women’s poor decisions…
so, while searching for “women dies of hot beef injection,” i found this Bachmann photo for some reason; i will make no further comment
let me be honest: there is no way i can be serious or mature about this tragic event. NO WAY AT ALL. this woman died of a hot beef injection! this is ridiculous in every possible way! and thus you see why i must dissect this article.
“A south suburban woman died Thursday after apparently injecting heated beef fat into her face.”
must… resist… urge… to laugh unkindly about this… but come on, why would you inject heated beef fat into your face? what does this do? what the hell is the point of this? is this the bargain version of injecting collagen into your lips? but then… it doesn’t say the hot beef fat was going into the lips… oh man, this is not appropriate for seriously discussion.
“Janet Hardt, 63, of the 1000 block of W. 186th St. in Homewood, was pronounced dead at 6:25 p.m. at Advocate South Suburban Hospital in Hazel Crest, according to the Cook County Medical Examinerâ€™s office. An autopsy Friday determined Hardt died of peritonitis, a severe abdominal inflammation caused by a bacterial infection suffered from weakened walls in her colon, according to the medical examinerâ€™s office.”
okay, see, now it got serious on me. whew! although i doubt this can last.
“Infections she suffered in her face from the injections did not lead to her death, which was ruled natural, according to the medical examinerâ€™s office.”
so while i understand that they’re ruling the death natural because of the colon infections, if i was the medical examiner in this case (and i think we’re all thankful that i am not), there is absolutely no way i would be ruling this death natural.
police officer: “so… don’t you think this woman died of natural causes? she had a serious colon infection.”
medical examiner janklow: “okay, this corpse’s face is jammed with hot beef fat for some reason. there is absolutely nothing natural about that shit. NOTHING. so either she killed herself through the worst plastic surgery ever, or there is an incredibly complicated killer out there.”
police officer: “…but i don’t think that the hot beef fat caused the death, because-”
medical examiner janklow: “UNNATURAL SHIT WAS GOING ON HERE. UNNATURAL SHIT.”
i’m not saying that i’d keep the job for a long period of time. i’m just saying that i wouldn’t let my work as a medical examiner kill my EMOTIONS.
“A source said shortly before Hardt died, she injected heated beef fat into her face around her mouth and chin, a procedure she had done before on several occasions.”
see, while i don’t want to ignore that whole “died of natural causes” thing … it’s very hard to separate “shortly before she died” and “injected heated beef fat into her face.” i’d be saying the same thing if she, say, had been handling snakes in some kind of religious ceremony instead of injecting heated beef fat into her face… and that’s how we learned that some things make those snake-handler types seem normal.
Her face reportedly looked “grotesque” and the infections in her mouth and lip also had scarring from performing the injections “for some time.”
i am honestly shocked that a woman who was injecting heated beef fat into her face would SOMEHOW come away with a “grotesque” appearance. HONESTLY SHOCKED.
“The victim was reportedly “obsessed” with the process of performing self-injections-“
YOU DON’T SAY.
“-and had developed her own “process,” according to a source. She would boil the beef herself, extract the fat and inject it into her face.”
this just sounds crazy because it implies there’s a PROPER way to inject heated beef fat into one’s face, and that she’s simply developed some kind of rogue process. i would like to assure everyone that this is not the case. people, heated beef fat is for making various dinners and/or spoiling your dog. it is not for homemade cosmetic surgery. in fact… maybe we should say “hell no” to the idea of ANY homemade cosmetic surgery, even if it doesn’t involve heated beef fat.
“Hardt went to the hospital after complaining that her face felt like it was burning, according to the source.”
“when asked if there was anything that might have caused such a feeling, she explained to the doctors that she had injected heated beef fat into her face, after which they repeated “really?” over and over until she died.”
“She had previously undergone multiple facial surgeries, the source said. Her face had a â€œtightâ€™â€™ appearance and was not very wrinkled.”
so either this means that there is, shockingly, some benefit to jamming your face full of hot beef fat… or the hot beef injections had nothing to do with it. i’m leaning towards the latter.
so that concludes our week of belatedly ragging on women who lead very rough lives. such is life! maybe i’ll make fun of some dudes next week or something.