“i understand your pain. we’ve all lost someone we love … but we do it my way!”

some time back, ages before all my recent illness and other website-delay-related troubles, i mentioned something about a “Road Warrior-related update” that i supposedly even went so far as to discuss with my Irish associate, who is known to occasionally function as a sounding board for my internet comedy (and possibly my devastating karate kicks as well). so without further ado, i think we should get to that update. it’s been enough with the delays already.

janklow’s completely uncalled for ranking of his favorite 13 supporting characters from the Mad Max/Road Warrior series of films

so as an introduction, let’s address the two most pertinent questions: a) “why is this list necessary?” and b) “why supporting characters?” both answers are pretty obvious, if you ask me:
–why is this list necessary? well… it’s clearly not. not many things seem THAT necessary on the internet (and especially not on this website), but it seemed like a reasonable idea at the time;
–why supporting characters? well, the Mad Max/Road Warrior series really only has ONE main character. you can call various characters main in their respective films, but once you leave that film behind… who cares, right? but i guess it could be called “favorite 13 characters who are not Mad Max.”

and now… on with the unnecessary list-making.

the Nightrider
“i am the Nightrider. i’m a fuel injected suicide machine. i am the rocker, i am the roller, i am the out-of-controller!”

13. Crawford “Nightrider” Montizano (Mad Max)
so let’s start this list off with a measure of defending myself: i am placing Nightrider on here, but not Toecutter or Johnny the Boy, who CLEARLY get a lot more villainous screen time? correct. Toecutter is a solid menacing figure, and he’s the major villain of the first film, and so he’s maybe #14; Johnny is less excellent and thus i don’t feel about leaving him out. on the other hand, the Nightrider is the source of the excellent opening montage, and i love his ridiculous over-the-CB diatribe. IT IS EXCELLENT. so he makes the cut.

12. Aunty Entity (Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome)
so the thing about Aunty Entity is that i’m basically putting her on here out of a sense of obligation: she’s the third movie’s big villain, right? and shouldn’t that count for something? however, aside from her solid “this nobody had a chance to be somebody” sentiment, i don’t know that she’s that interesting of a character. still, there’s something to be said for the pure ridiculousness of casting a 1980s-era Tina Turner as your post-apocalyptic action film’s big villain. and i can respect ridiculousness of that caliber.

11. Jedediah Junior (Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome)
i don’t really care for the kids in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome as a whole; it’s a neat plot idea, but there’s something about the execution that doesn’t enamor them to me. maybe this is because i am now old and angry at the world? the only amusing kid to me is Jedediah Junior, and mainly for the way he’s about to freely ditch his lazy father during the massive escape sequence at the end of the film. and he always seems incredibly angry, which i like; to borrow an Eminem metaphor, Jedediah Junior’s as hard as that kid Kenard… which, in turn, makes for an endearing youth character.

10. the Feral Kid (Mad Max 2: the Road Warrior)
more pure ridiculousness. i don’t generally like when you stick an “adorable” youth into a film as the hero’s sidekick, but at least here he’s a) almost totally insane, b) toting a hand-chopping boomerang for some reason (i find it hard to believe these things were floating around in large numbers in pre-apocalypse Australia) and c) filthy and described as “feral.” oh, and d) he does some kind of berserker flip into a hole at some point. once again, i am won over by the pure ridiculousness.

Wez
“no! no more talk! we go in! we kill! kill! we kill ’em!”

09. Bubba Zanetti (Mad Max)
yes, Bubba Zanetti is kind of a blank, unremarkable henchman to the film’s big villain, the Toecutter, and leaving the latter off this list and the former on seems weird. however… consider the insanity of the name “Bubba Zanetti”: is he some kind of overweight redneck Italian goon? no, he appears to be the opposite of all that, making his name entirely confusing, and something that is never adequately explained. pure ridiculousness! i admit this is sort of a trend with me.

08. Wez (Mad Max 2: the Road Warrior)
the major downside here is Wez’s somewhat uncomfortable choice of clothing; his implied back story of being some kind of homosexual romantic is weird, considering he’s portrayed as a savage madman in most respects, but i guess some of that is grief talking. plus, while some of the macho he-man in the audience may not love all that man-on-man love, if your dogs of war are going to keep killing all the ladies they drag from cars and sexually assault, you have to figure homosexuality is going to blossom at SOME point (and i think one subset of the raiders are called “gayboy berserkers,” so it is what it is). anyway, is it hilarious that he’s chained to his superior’s vehicle at one point and has to be literally unleashed? yes, yes it is.

07. “Fifi” Macaffee (Mad Max)
included mainly for his scene where he’s half-dressed except for some insane neckwear, screaming down the steps at Max that they’re going to give people “back their heroes!” i believe he’s also watering some random hanging plants; for some reason i believe there are also caged birds in that scene, although i am willing to bet that when i re-watch the scene, there will be no birds in it, and i’ll be left wondering why i presumed they were. anyway, anyway, Fifi’s a good character.

06. the Gyro Captain (Mad Max 2: the Road Warrior)/Jedediah the Pilot (Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome)
i have decided to include these two as one entry because i insist on believing that the Gyro Captain flew off after the events of the second film to become the weird Jedediah of the third. now, okay, i know they’re NOT the same character, since supposed the Gyro Captain, criminal bandit that he was, ends up leading the gas-loving settlers … but really, Bruce Spence plays a character in both movies AND has crazy aircraft in both movies AND kind of fucks with Mad Max in both movies AND i’m supposed to accept that they’re different dudes? no damn way.

the Lord Humungus
“be still, my dog of war. i understand your pain. we’ve all lost someone we love. but we do it my way! … we do it my way. fear is our ally. the gasoline will be ours. then you shall have your revenge.”

05. Ironbar Bassey (Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome)
for some reason, i find Ironbar, the henchman equally as undeveloped as Aunty Entity (or most any character in the films, i guess), to be a lot more endearing than his boss. is it his tiny stature? probably. is it his weird fixation with the doll’s head standard he wears all the time? probably as well. Angry Anderson himself may not be that endearing (i think he said some awkward stuff about immigration in Australia at one point), but tiny Ironbar totally is.

03-04. Master/Blaster (Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome)
…and in complete opposition to what i did with Bruce Spence’s characters above, i am putting Master and Blaster on here as some kind of unified entry that eats up two spaces. this is mainly because they’re most notable and/or awesome as the half-genius-midget, half-powerful-mentally-handicapped-boy team they are when they are first introduced, what with all the roughing-up of Mad Max and fighting in the Underdome … and yet, they’re clearly distinct characters, especially when Blaster gets killed and Master is forced to don a suit and act respectably, a great step up in the world for a guy who once appeared in Freaks.

02. the Lord Humungus (Mad Max 2: the Road Warrior)
do i need to say anything more than the fact that he’s introduced as “the warrior of the wasteland, the Lord Humungus, [and] the ayatollah of rock-and-rollah,” the latter being a title i have long attempted to claim for myself? i do? well, he also wears a hockey mask for some reason (severe facial burns, maybe), he drives a ridiculous truck made from the remains of a Ford F-100 Ute, and he’s ruthless but thinking: witness his awesome “just walk away” and “dog of war” speeches. and honestly, you don’t get identified as “the Lord Humungus” unless you can do something pretty awesome to back it up, right?

Dog

01. Dog (Mad Max 2: the Road Warrior)
oh, come on. who else was i going to rank here?

next week, i’ll try for less “pure ridiculousness” and more “comedy,” but ultimately, i’m not making any promises, okay?

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2 Responses to “i understand your pain. we’ve all lost someone we love … but we do it my way!”

  1. FollenAngel says:

    he’s a cute puppy.. and clearly i read this all the way to the bottom… or i skipped… you shall never know…

  2. janklow says:

    i assume you skipped!

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