can’t a man drink his beer in silence? crudely lie and scream? control his bitch with violence? y’all are brutalizing me.

one of the laments i have commonly made on the internet and to people who are able to escape from the combination is the lack of love shown to the American sketch comedy series Mr. Show with Bob and David. i promote it and quote it as best i can, as does my trusty Irish sidekick, and i understand that it ran from 1995-1998, so it’s possible the youth of today wouldn’t know much about it… but it’s still a damn shame. Wikipedia points out that “Mr. Show typically opted for absurdist comedy over current pop culture jokes or recurring characters,” and honestly, that’s the best way to put it, as well as the likely reason why i think it’s better than the average sketch comedy show.

so recently, our hero had a marathon of Mr. Show’s four seasons (although, given the 5-episode runs of seasons 1 and 2, it’s more like three seasons) in an attempt to cheer himself up for the goddamn holidays, and while this did not work, it pointed out to me that we could use a “best Mr. Show sketches” listicle here at house of hate.

janklow’s 13 favorite Mr. Show with Bob and David sketches

note: for ease of titling these sketches, since the format SLIGHTLY varies on the DVD sets, i have turned to our trusted friends at Wikipedia for the titles. here we go!

Mr. Show with Bob and David
Mr. Show with Bob and David: your kids won’t even remotely begin to care about it

13. Dalai Lama/Monk Academy (season four, episode five)
synopsis of the skit: okay, from the jump i have to cheat a little, because this is more like “two long, mostly-connected skits,” but it’s important to understand how absurd this show can be. “Dalai Lama” has a kid (Bob) randomly chosen to be the next Dalai Lama, with his slacker friend (David) showing up to visit. they clash, they learn a valuable lesson… and then we immediate move to “Monk Academy,” where the monks are competing in a 500-year-old competition with a fat kids’ camp. i think you say what i’m saying.
why janklow thinks this skit’s so funny: when competing with the fat kids, there’s a bike race where David lures the fat competitor away with a trail of candy. that’s the joke, right? David then pops out of a bush and slits the kid’s throat. it’s SO excessive that i find it wonderful. yes, i may have emotional problems.

12. Beating Hippie (Generation Gap) (season two, episode three)
synopsis of the skit: as part of their opening/monologue/whatever you want to call it, Bob and David are lamenting the fact that as Bob was raised at a time when people respected each other, the mid-1970s, while David came of age in the late 1970s, they’re from different generations and just don’t relate. however, then they realize they’re brought together by their mutual distrust and hatred of hippies.
why janklow thinks this skit’s so funny: one of my personal running jokes is, having been born in 1979, to tell the Irishman and other people born in the early 1980s that we’re from vastly different generations for comic effect. so i think you see why this joke works for me.
bonus Irishman remarks: “remember that skit where Bob and David are talking about being from different generations and end up working together? hilarious.”

11. Change For A Dollar (season one, episode one)
synopsis of the skit: a man (Bob) asks a store cashier (David) for change, prompting a series of telephone calls from one superior to another (all alternating played by Bob and David) asking if the cashier should give the man change.
why janklow thinks this skit’s so funny: each guy does something weird while thinking about whether or not they should approve the change; Bob, as the company’s CEO, does a ridiculous little dance that always makes me laugh. that’s the reason.

10. Week-Long Romance (season four, episode ten)
synopsis of the skit: a man (Bob) and his girlfriend have broken up for a week, and when reuniting, discuss the ridiculous things that Bob has done in one week’s time: joined a Christian rock band, got engaged to another girl, starred in a blowjob movie with one “Crystal Knockers.” periodically, wronged persons from the past week assault him.
why janklow thinks this skit’s so funny: so the Christian rock band attacks Bob because Crystal Knockers and Bob did this blowjob movie. then, while explaining this, Crystal Knockers’ boyfriend assaults Bob for embarrassing his girl. Bob’s girlfriend exclaims, “you gave the blowjobs?!” Bob responds “the MOST blowjobs” with this tone that gets me every time.
bonus Irishman remarks: “isn’t there some skit where they’re dressed up like some terrible New Age band?” (that’s how this skit transitions into the next one) “yeah, that one’s hilarious.”

09. Lie Detector (season three, episode three)
synopsis of the skit: a man (Bob) is being given a lie detector test by a team of employees (including David) that runs through a series of more and more outrageous claims that all prove to be true: alcohol and drug use, stealing space plans, killing a man with his mind, skinny-dipping with a girl David had a crush on, dressing up like a lady of affluence and seducing a rich man, and derailing a train with his penis and eating it piece by piece (all for charity).
why janklow thinks this skit’s so funny: as we’ve seen, it’s often one remark that makes me fondly recall the skit, and in this one, after Bob admits that he’s smoked crack, the employees crack up and one asks what it was like. Bob answers, “it was great! it’s crack, it gets you really high.” everything said in this skit is insane; this remark just SOUNDS the funniest.

08. Indomitable Spirit (season three, episode four)
synopsis of the skit: Terry (David) and the gang are a band of handicapped people succeeding despite their limitations, later turning out to be non-handicapped but spreading a message of hope. then Tommy (Bob), who HAS lost his arm, shows up to accuse them of tossing him out for being handicapped; David counters that Bob simply was a shitty drummer. a very confusing debate occurs.
why janklow thinks this skit’s so funny: there’s a part where the band runs through their handicaps: Terry has no arms, Jimbo is missing his arms too, Mickey is just a hand. then Fran (Sarah Silverman) declares “i’m Fran, and i’m a woman!” it’s the best. further, David is INCREDIBLY exasperated in this skit, and i love it.
bonus Irishman remarks: when discussing it, the Irishman struck a line and quoted the “i’m a woman” line. i admit it, i laughed.

07. Mom And Pop Porno Shop (season two, episode two)
synopsis of the skit: Mom and Pop (Pop being Bob) run a porno shop: they fuss over customers, scold their child, resist selling the shop to a representative of big business, and have an encounter with a ten-foot-tall version of Great-Great-Grandpa who appears to look like God and who promotes the hell out of pornography.
why janklow thinks this skit’s so funny: the part where Bob is scolding his son Jimmy (David) for not putting away a box of big black dildos. not only is it good, but the way he ends the exchange with the cry of “don’t blame the dildos!” is classic. it also gives us the chance to quote the skit and threaten people with “next time you’ll get more than a dildo to the head!” and let me remind you, young man, that stupid “all anal action” paid for that precious mountain bike of yours!

06. Date With The Queen (season four, episode seven)
synopsis of the skit: the Queen (David) is bored with her guests, so she tells each of them she wants to hang out with them and them alone, and to not mention it, before asking her guard (Bob) to throw everyone out. this is where the comedy ensues.
why janklow thinks this skit’s so funny: okay, for one thing, the fake mustache being rocked by Bob is hilarious. HILARIOUS. second, it has to be the way this skit ends with Bob declaring “that BITCH” before it cuts to a scooter chase. and do you see how NONE of that seems related to what i said the skit was about?

05. The Joke: The Musical (season one, episode two)
synopsis of the skit: the theme for the episode is Senator Tankerbell (Bob) enforcing US Senate oversight on comedians: he declares an Appalachian puppet lewd and lascivious and makes David wear a performance-controlling shock collar. later in the episode, David is inspired to make a musical version of an “approved” joke that the senator tells to open the episode: the old one about a traveling salesman putting his
why janklow thinks this skit’s so funny: so before David has the idea for the musical, he’s greeted by Senator Tankerbell, who’s been “magically transformed into a twinkling light,” and who knocks David to the ground for being mouthy. i LOVE this interaction between a spotlight and David. also, the musical features Jack Black singing like a madman about putting/not putting your dick in these three holes, and that has to be worth something.
bonus Irishman remarks: i started to comment about the one where Senator Tankerbell controls David, which prompted “-and then he gets knocked out by a glowing light!” so you see how we’re united by this show.

04. Taint (season four, episode six)
synopsis of the skit: Garry Flank (David) rises to the top of a theoretically successful pornography empire by promoting men’s taints in his magazine, from discussing five-inch taints (“it’s insane, this guy’s taint”) and insisting that taints (or, in other publications, “t’wasn’ts” and “t’werents”) were what America wanted to see.
why janklow thinks this skit’s so funny: honestly, it’s just the fact that they keep talking about taints. it never stops until the skit does.
bonus Irishman remarks: “wait, you know what you can’t forget? the taint episode!” that says it all… but then the Irishman started quoting the “then tragedy struck… CAPTAIN Tragedy” part of the skit, so i think we know what skit he was angling to get in the top spot.

03. Fuzz: The Musical (season three, episode two)
synopsis of the skit: in season one, Bob and David had a skit about Ronnie Dobbs, notorious for constantly getting arrested all over the place; in this one, the guy who filmed him makes a musical about Ronnie, his battered spouse and some cops. it’s weird to see them have recurring characters, i know, but you have to accept it.
why janklow thinks this skit’s so funny: as one commenter on a YouTube video puts in, these singing skits work because David can actually sing a little; the part where David (as Ronnie Dobbs) breaks into his “Y’all Are Brutalizing Me” absolutely kills it. they’d later make a mess of a movie based around this character (Run, Ronnie, Run), and Mandy Patinkin makes this joke work just as well, because he can really sing.
bonus Irishman remarks: the Irishman specifically called out the part from the original season one, episode one skit where David breaks character to rant about the shitty conditions in which HBO has them working. just throwing that out there.

02. Blowing Up The Moon (season three, episode six)
synopsis of the skit: scientists and the President declare that we can, no, MUST blow up the moon; people seem very excited about it, and astronauts seem to figure it’s time, since there really isn’t anything else you can do with the moon. again, this is what we mean when we talk about “absurd premise.”
why janklow thinks this skit’s so funny: there’s a part where protestors are picketing the destruction of the moon; during this, Sarah Silverman declares, “we’re spending so much money, millions of dollars, to blow up the moon, when there’s so many things right here on earth to blow up! we’re earthlings, let’s blow up earth things!”
bonus Irishman remarks: “don’t forget the one where they blow up the moon.”

01. Worthington’s Law (season three, episode seven)
synopsis of the skit: essentially, the skit is based around this premise: “listen to your friend, a person who makes more money than you, is better than you, and therefore beyond criticism. this is called the Worthington Law and it’s used to gauge the value of human worth.” David takes the role of Carl Espick and berates us into understanding this.
why janklow thinks this skit’s so funny: yelling “more money equals better than” never gets old. never. watch it and tell me i’m wrong.
bonus Irishman remarks: THIS is the skit that we quote constantly; when discussing the best 13 skits, we both immediately mention “Worthington’s Law.” that might be all that needs to be said.

so, two things:
01. clearly season three is the best season;
02. there’s BOUND to be some great skits i skipped… but then so no one but me and the Irishman love this show, i guess we’ll never know. oh, that’s a little sad. also, let me close with a completely unrelated video that, as the Irishman can attest to, made me laugh so hard i hurt myself:

in which janklow gets entirely too emotional regarding Hawaii 5-0

you know, after last week’s nonsensical and completely unnecessary rant about a topic that probably only bothers me, i told myself, “self, it’s time to focus up and try to create some more traditional comedy laughs. let’s do our best to make that happen, okay?” and i even meant it!

…but then i saw something that made me about as irrationally angry as the Mummy (1932) does, and that’s when i knew we wouldn’t be leaving the realm of “janklow being too damn mad about nothing of consequence” any time soon. so let’s just get it over with, okay?

Hawaii 5-0
Hawaii 5-0 also features one of America’s most punchable faces in the form of Scott Caan; it may not be his fault, but it certainly doesn’t make the show more appealing to me

janklow is totally enraged by fucking Hawaii 5-0

so once upon a time there was this police procedural (although i don’t think they used that term back then) called Hawaii 5-0 where, according to our good friends at Wikipedia, “the show centers on a fictional state police force led by former U.S. naval officer Steve McGarrett.” the damn thing ran for twelve years, so i guess we can say that a) it must have been really popular for some reason (maybe the whole “book ’em, Danno” thing) and b) it was inevitable in today’s climate of unoriginality that SOMEONE would attempt to remake it.

also, twelve years of dramatic crime… in Hawaii? you kind of assume that cities like New York and Los Angeles and Chicago have lots of dramatic crime and organized crime and, to boil it down, fodder for police procedurals… but Hawaii?

ANYWAY, so they finally remade the show in 2010, only now Wikipedia says it “covers the actions of a small special state task force created by the Governor of Hawaii to investigate serious crimes throughout the Islands, as Hawaii does not have a conventional state police force.” i guess it didn’t do well enough, so they brought in teen heartthrob Terry O’Quinn to spice it up, but it’s still on the air. which brings us to the “irrationally angry” part of this update.

now, i don’t watch Hawaii 5-0. i don’t watch reruns of the original Hawaii 5-0. so i really shouldn’t care what the show does… and then i saw this advertisement:

…and i flipped the fuck out, for a short list of reasons:

01. “Steve went into North Korea, on a personal mission”: for one thing, it’s OBVIOUSLY a personal mission, because there are exactly zero professional reasons for a single member of a Hawaii-based special state task force to be sent to fucking North Korea. but beyond that… who the hell is going to NORTH KOREA on a personal mission? don’t the people watching the program at least say to themselves, “well, this sounds unbelievable.”

02. “…goes terribly wrong”: again, OBVIOUSLY. i admit this is nit-picking because this kind of exposition is the way commercials for television programs work, but i am still annoyed on some level by the network needing to point this out. what would the episode be about if Steve completed his mission and came home without incident?

03. “we’re going to bring Steve home”: okay, maybe i’m just a shitty friend and/or co-worker, but if i knew someone as a professional colleague on a state police force, and i came to work the next day and someone told me, “hey, Steve got captured on a personal mission to North Korea! are you ready to help rescue him?” …well, i would probably just stay at the office and get caught up on my paperwork. this is not a mission for Hawaii cops! even ones that now include me! call the fucking State Department!

04. “…and you won’t believe who comes to the rescue”: and which point the ad tells me that this unbelievable guest star is Jimmy Fucking Buffett, and i completely lose it. Jimmy Buffett? why is this an awesome, unbelievable guest star? he’s not an action star; he’s not a guy known for playing cops or military dudes. he’s not even an actor! and if you want to say his string of cameos make him an actor by default, FINE, he’s a shitty actor not worthy of Special Billing.

and look, a cameo is supposed to be a cute, “hey, look who’s in this film or television show” moment, not a major selling point. so if this is another cameo, who cares? and if it’s not… again, why is Jimmy Buffett a massive “get” for Hawaii 5-0? what audience that doesn’t watch Hawaii 5-0 already is going to be excited to see it? and what ridiculous “parrothead” who watches Hawaii 5-0 just to see their lord and master Jimmy Buffett is going to stick around as a regular viewer.

really, i shouldn’t find this so offensive, but GOD DAMN THIS SHIT.

Jack Abramoff
there’s a joke here about how even Jack Abramoff thinks Dan Snyder is kind of an asshole, but i don’t want to get sued for making it

janklow is totally enraged by fucking Jack Abramoff

and then i visited with my lovely grandmother and i happened to catch a glimpse of Jack Abramoff on her television, and maybe i was still keyed-up from all that Hawaii 5-0 nonsense that made me lose my damn mind… but, okay, i flipped out again. i’m fucking tense, okay?

so… Jack Abramoff. he’s a former lobbyist and businessman and, as far as i am concerned, a current scumbag. he was, according to the Internet’s most quoted encyclopedia, “at the heart of an extensive corruption investigation that led to the conviction of White House officials J. Steven Griles and David Safavian, U.S. Representative Bob Ney, and nine other lobbyists and Congressional aides” and ultimately he “served three years, six months of a six-year sentence in federal prison before being released early,” and, okay, that’s probably Wikipedia for the week.

now, look, i get that you can get convicted of a crime, do your time, realize the error of your ways, and come out a better man who’s living clean. i’m forgetting about the fact that men who don’t steal millions get slammed with years on years more time than Abramoff because their offense is somehow “worse” (i’m looking at you, drug laws). i’m forgetting about the fact that those will less money often do more of their time. so what’s the deal? it’s me watching Jack Abramoff sell a book while basically implying that he was only convicted because every so often the government needs to give us a show.

first off, even if true, that’s not the SOLE reason you were convicted. in fact, the selling point for Abramoff’s new book-writing, ratting-out-corruption persona is that he ADMITS he committed crimes and went to jail for them. so spare me the tone, okay?

second… a book? really? and maybe this isn’t about Abramoff so much as it is the fact that every asshole out there seems to be cranking out books in a world where quality authors probably see money that pales in comparison to said assholes, and in which a table full of adults can be overheard discussing the merits of the Twilight and Harry Potter “sagas.”

look, i don’t mean to come off like a pompous prick with an English degree, but those are fucking books for CHILDREN. and if i come across hard evidence that women whose qualifications for writing a book are ‘i was married to somehow who was involved in a massive financial scam’ or ‘a Congressman texted me photos of his penis’ are making more money than Cormac McCarthy, then i may just have to kill myself. because this is not necessarily a society i can be part of.

but actually, to be honest, what really made me flip out was when Mike Huckabee said that Abramoff had done bad things, but was not a bad person. so… what’s the bar for being a “bad person,” then, if stealing millions of dollars is not enough? do you HAVE to murder a series of prostitutes?

…maybe i should start smoking cigarettes. i hear that calms you down. also:

guns that let us pretend we wear a bodysuit and fight crime in Africa

CZ SP-01 Phantom

actually, it doesn’t let us do that at all, but it IS a CZ SP-01 Phantom, so it has a cool name going for it. now i just need to slap a bayonet on this thing and call it a day.

in which janklow gets entirely too emotional regarding the Mummy (1932)

it has probably been noticed that there are a few topics about which our hero janklow feels very strongly (such as, say, all that feminism in movies) which the mention of results in him getting all worked up and ranting about said topics for however long it takes to get them out of his system. usually, though, i feel like there’s a sound argument contained in all that noise; sometimes, though, i must admit that the argument is far more rooted in my irrational hatred.

which brings us to the Mummy.

the Mummy absolutely enrages me. he is the worst movie monster. the WORST. something about the very concept makes me fill with anger. but let me see if i can make my case here.

the Mummy (1932)
ah, what appears to be a well-soiled old man. surely this movie will be incredibly frightening!

the Mummy is the worst of the Universal monsters

while this is a little before the time of, well, almost everyone who’s on the internet, i think it’s still common knowledge that Universal Studios cranked out a world-famous assortment of movie monsters: Frankenstein, Dracula, the Invisible Man (i mean, he’s a monster in a moral sense, anyway), the Wolf Man, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, and, i guess, the Bride of Frankenstein. famous characters, all of them, although i suppose you can attribute that to the strength of the original material in several cases.

the Mummy is the worst of all of these monsters. now, okay, SOMEONE has to be the worst. i guess that’s not necessarily the Mummy’s fault. but it’s a definite black mark when i’m thinking of “who could the worst Universal monster be” and my mind doesn’t immediately leap to “mole people.” and i suppose it’s a little rough to be paired with iconic monsters like Frankenstein and Dracula. but are you telling me that if the Mummy didn’t exist, i’d be on the internet bitching about the Invisible Man? unlikely!

Boris Karloff (1932)
i think it’s telling that the Mummy looks most unsettling when he’s NOT in his mummy makeup

the Mummy is a completely lame monster in general

this lameness, i think, is the crux of the matter. Frankenstein is turbo-strong and probably hard to kill; Dracula can change into a bat and seduce the hell out of some women; the Creature from the Black Lagoon has claws and a swimmer’s physique. ultimately, all of these monsters are a threat to anyone who should run afoul of them in a dark alley; the Invisible Man can at LEAST make off with your wallet or something.

the Mummy… he does what, walks very slowly towards you? eventually he chokes you to death? is this a monster you can evade by, you know, jogging slowly away from him? granted, it’s not like Frankenstein is going to be winning any foot races against the Mummy, but he at least looks a little menacing. the Mummy appears to be a collection of soiled rags that intends to kill you… very slowly… eventually. at least the mole people have a certain, as the French say, “i don’t know what” going for them.

i asked my father to describe “what it is the Mummy does,” and he said something along the lines of: “well, he chokes you, and he’s very strong, so you can’t get away from the choke.” it, to say the least, is a little less impressive than the Wolf Man savagely ripping you a new one with his claws.

i think it also helps to note that Boris Karloff notably played both Frankenstein and the Mummy, and yet you never hear him described as “the guy that played the Mummy.” we always reference Frankenstein. subconsciously, we all know how lame the Mummy is, even if we don’t want to admit it.

the Mummy's Ghost (1944)
apparently he came back from the grave to get chicks. this is actually a fair assessment, and not a joke

the Mummy spawned an awful series of “sequels”

one of the less-noticed lame things about the Mummy is that while it spawn an EXCESSIVE number of sequels … they’re not actually sequels. instead, the Mummy was unnecessarily and secretly remade eight years later as “the Mummy’s Hand.” eight years later? this is generally code for “the original totally sucked.” and THEN they made a bunch of sequels to that movie: the Mummy’s Tomb, the Mummy’s Ghost (and i must note that the concept of an undead being having a GHOST seems entirely excessive) and the Mummy’s Curse.

but one thing my father (who must have watched these Mummy movies one too many times) pointed out is that they added some ridiculous “tana leaves” requirement to all of those post-1932 sequels: apparently these magical Egyptian leaves are what the Mummy needs to live and thrive and slowly, ever-so-slowly, kill his eventual prey.

the Mummy (1999)
i like to think Fraser is screaming with rage and disappointment as he finds out how terrible of a movie series he’s made

the Mummy is to blame for those Brendan Fraser Mummy movies

considering that they’re essentially an attempt to remake (and then add sequels to) the Mummy, i am totally blaming it for these awful, awful films. the problem with the Mummy was that people expected me to take it seriously, not the lack of awful, awful CGI effects in the original. i think they’re supposed to make me think the Mummy is filled with powerful magic, but actually, i think i prefer “…and then you get slowly strangled by a dead guy.”

and then the Mummy remakes spawned the atrocious Scorpion King films (plural! how the fuck did anyone think it was a good idea to make two of those?), which, in turn, is something ELSE i can blame the Mummy for. goddammit.

next week, maybe something more rational? we shall see.

“you see this kind of picture and you realize maybe you HAVEN’T seen everything.” amen, sir, amen

there isn’t really much in the way of an introduction i can give when this week’s update is about to IMMEDIATELY leap into the world of “cavorting in the mutilating remains of a horse” and “inserting high-explosive munitions into one’s body” and so on. i’d better just step right out of the way.

Jasha Lottin
to be honest, the part that really creeps me out isn’t the frolicking in the bloody carcass of a horse… it’s the smile

Oregon woman filmed crawling naked inside horse carcass

i know we specialize in mocking creepy stories about people using horses for sex around here, but i’m not sure what’s worse: men who are compelled to sexually assault the same horse(s) over and over… or this:

“KOIN-TV reports that Washington County investigators have chosen not to file charges in the disturbing incident involving pictures released on the internet of a Portland-area woman crawling naked inside a dead horse.”

huh. well, that’s pretty bad. i guess, though, what we have to ask ourselves is “what was the motivation for these photos?” because if the woman (who the internet tells me shall be identified as “Jasha Lottin”) wasn’t doing it for the same sad, sexually-compelled reasons as that guy who kept raping that horse, then i might be able to say this isn’t as bad…

“The Oregon woman and her boyfriend recently took the photos, reminiscent of a scene in Star Wars, so she could “feel one” with the animal.”

“feel one with the animal?” this sounds to me like code for “uh, we have our sexual reasons for these horse corpse photos, but we don’t want to admit them to the media.” therefore, i am labeling this as WORSE than Rodell Vereen’s weird, weird problems. i do appreciate, however, that our writer is apparently the kind of Star Wars nerd that could not resist throwing in a “Luke cuts open and sleeps inside his tauntaun” reference. never change, nerds, never change.

“After putting down the couple’s 32-year-old horse with a gunshot to the head, the girl and her boyfriend gutted the animal. It was then that the 21-year-old woman undressed and crawled inside the carcass. The couple posted pictures of the bloodbath on the internet, in addition to photos of the two with what appears to be the horse’s heart near their mouths.”

now, i have long been on record as bashing horses, and 32 years is old for a horse… but i’m hoping that it wasn’t put down SOLELY for the purposes of weird sex photos. also, a key difference that makes this NOT “reminiscent of a scene in Star Wars” is the posing with the horse’s heart near their mouths. Luke wasn’t trying to take weird glamor shots with the remains of his precious tauntaun.

“The WCSO incident report indicated the woman wanted to feel what it would be like to be inside the dead horse.”

i don’t think this is one of those things that we really need a lot of investigation to figure out. the answer is “warm and ill-smelling,” right?

“After the odd and grotesque incident, the couple reportedly harvested the horse’s meat and later ate it with the woman’s mother.”

well, let me just say that if you ARE going to kill a horse and you’re going to do it yourself for whatever weird reasons you have (such as sexual deviancy), the least you can do is make use of the horse for the purposes of some tasty horse steaks. i’m not going to act all outraged about eating horses. to hell with horses; we should ALL be eating tasty horse steaks.

“KOIN reports that since the photos have gone viral, the woman in the photos has received death threats and hostile contact from people across the country who have viewed these pictures and have labeled her everything from a devil worshiper to a pervert.”

look, i don’t think it’s appropriate to be sending this woman death threats, not to mention the hypocritical nature of them. “you dared kill a horse? I’LL KILL YOU.” and i don’t see how this constitutes “devil worship,” which is too generically applied. however, “pervert” seems correct. i don’t think she was labeled that by the people of America; i think she labeled HERSELF that by, you know, taking photos of herself naked inside a horse.

“Officials say the couple won’t face charges because there is no evidence of animal cruelty, and that the means by which the couple killed horse is one of the most human ways to end its life.”

the word you’re looking for is “humane.” although i guess “human” also works, since shooting animals in the head is generally the domain of humans and, i guess, great apes who have gotten their hands on guns.

“Still, it’s a bizarre case.”

INDEED

“”At some point you in your career you say yeah I’ve seen a lot of bad stuff — you see this kind of picture and you realize maybe you haven’t seen everything,” Washington County Sgt. Dave Thompson told KOIN.”

and that’s why i love these local police spokesmen: they cut right to the point. on the other hand, having seen this, do you now assume you’ve seen everything, on the grounds that each officer simply can’t see THAT many ridiculous things in their career? or are you now always afraid of what you might see that could be WORSE than this?

various artillery shells
apparently, in some parts of Croatia, this display doubles as a wide assortment of sex toys

Croat man risks charges after explosive sex game

let me tell you, whenever an article’s title involves the phrase “explosive sex game,” you’re probably not going to be disappointed by the ridiculousness of its contents. here we go!

“A 50-year-old Croat, who had to get medical help after inserting an anti-aircraft shell in his anus, sparked a police probe and risks charges if similar weapons are found at his home, local media said on Friday.”

two things:
01. i’m not sure if medical help is all the help he needs, unless in Croatia the psychiatrist is lumped in there with “medical”;
02. he risks charges if similar weapons are found? didn’t we find an illicit weapon already, albeit one located in this man’s anus?

“The man was admitted to a Zagreb hospital after apparently ‘experimenting in a sex game’ with the explosive 2cm cannon shell which got stuck, the Slobodna Dalmacija daily reported.”

you know, by the time the cannon shell is stuck in your anus, something that has to take a small amount of work, i think you have gone beyond the “experimenting” part of the sex game. you are now fully committing to participating in it.

“After the doctors removed the 11cm long shell, it was handed over to a member of the police anti-explosives unit, the paper said. A Zagreb police spokesman confirmed the incident but would not give any details as the authorities are still investigating.”

“would not give any details?” sir, i think you have already let the outrageous details out of the bag. there really isn’t much more to conceal from us, beyond the man’s name.

“If other illegal weapons are found in the man’s home, he could face criminal charges.”

so the moral of the story appears to be this: in Croatia, you get a pass on any one illegal weapon found stuck in your anus, but if you have any MORE than that, then you’re going to be doing some jail time. i’m sure this is good information to know if you’re into that kind of thing.

Michael Alan Skopec
generally, the kind of people arrested for doing the stupidest things at least have the courtesy to look like the kind of people who would be arrested for doing the stupidest things

man arrested after calling 911 to complain about his broken iPhone

i think we’ve touched on “things that do not warrant you calling 911” a couple of times in the past. well, congratulations, regular reader, you’re in for yet another one of those circumstances!

“An Illinois man was arrested early yesterday after he called 911 on several occasions to complain that his iPhone was not working.”

there’s also the irony of calling someone to complain about your phone not working, but let’s focus on the main point: what’s the thought process that leads you to believe that this is something you need to call the POLICE about? have we called tech support and some corporate Apple locations and been stymied and thought, “well, i guess i need to go over their heads to the police?” or –and this is my actual theory– is alcohol involved in some way?

“Michael Alan Skopec, 48, dialed police emergency operators five times to beef about his malfunctioning Apple product, according to a Kendall County Sheriff’s Office report.”

also… what’s the fifth call supposed to accomplish? you’ve called the emergency operator about your iPhone. they, for some reason, couldn’t help you. and then you called them again. and again and again. at what point, even if you’re full of Steel Reserve and oxycontin or whatever else, do you not think, “hey, it seems 911 isn’t going to help me with my phone problems?”

“Cops traced the calls to Skopec’s home, where he was arrested around 1 AM yesterday when he “refused to comply with orders from deputies,” according to a sheriff’s spokesperson.”

while i know that “refused to comply with orders from deputies” is probably about refusing to provide identification or getting combative with the officers, i sincerely hope it was caused by an exchange along these lines:

Kendall County sheriff deputies: “sir, please stop calling our emergency officers.”
Michael Alan Skopec: “NO! MY IPHONE ISN’T WORKING! IT NEEDS TO WORK!”
Kendall County sheriff deputies: “sir, we keep explaining to you that we can’t fix your phone. stop calling our emergency officers.”
Michael Alan Skopec: “I’M CALLING UNTIL SOMEONE FIXES MY IPHONE!”
Kendall County sheriff deputies: “this is your last warning, sir! stop calling 911!”
Michael Alan Skopec: (dials 911)
Kendall County sheriff deputies: (arrests Skopec)

and if this was Prince Georges County police resolving the situation, you could change the last part to (shoots Skopec repeatedly).

“Skopec, pictured in the above mug shot, was charged with obstructing or resisting a peace officer, a misdemeanor.”

you know, if i was running for office, one of my platforms would be to make it a new and specific offense to call 911 for stupid reasons. it could stay a misdemeanor; i’d just like to see these guys charged with “one count of being too fucking stupid to understand how use 911.”

“It is unclear what Skopec thought cops could do about his malfunctioning smartphone (though deputies did report that he was intoxicated when they arrived at his residence).”

I KNEW IT. although i must admit it brings me no joy to be right about the incredibly stupidity of Americans. they never cease to disappoint me.

and speaking of my disgust with Americans, let’s go ahead and close this out with some ranting about the younger generation:

Generation Y, apparently
ah, Generation Y. have i mentioned that i hate you all?

survey: Facebook access beats cash for Gen Y

have i mentioned how i don’t like the “Gen Y” label because it’s lazy? i mean, Generation X is Generation X for whatever reason. fine. so the next one is just Generation Y? because we don’t call the baby boomers “Generation W,” you know. anyway, anyway, there’s an article here.

“For its second annual Connected World Technology Report, Cisco surveyed 1,400 students and 1,4000 young professionals aged 21-29 in 14 countries, asking about their tech habits and views. The results, released this week, are stark: One in three college students and young professionals considers the Internet to be as important as fundamental human resources like air, water, food and shelter.”

“as important as fundamental human resources like air, water, food and shelter.” “AS IMPORTANT AS FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RESOURCES.” look, i love the internet. i’m using it to bitch and moan right now. i would be, to say the least, incredibly irritated if i was to be without it for an extended period of time. but at least i’m able to acknowledge that it rates a little below this food/air deal, you know?

“More than half of the study’s respondents say they could not live without the Internet and cite it as an “integral part of their lives.””

now, maybe this is an issue of how the question is worded. “integral part of their lives?” that makes sense. it’s actual very reasonable; we use the internet for more and more stuff all the time. but “could not live without the Internet?” this is entirely excessive and leads me to believe that Gen Y could benefit from an immediate influx of psychiatric consultation.

“How important was the internet to respondents? 64 percent said they’d choose a connection over a car, while 40 percent valued the internet more than dating, listening to music and going out with friends. Half would rather loose their wallet or purse than their smartphone.”

and again we have a mix of understandable (more important than a car? maybe, depending on where you live. rather lose your wallet or purse? i can see that, depending on what you have going on in the phone) and ridiculous (valued more than “dating, listening to music and going out with friends?” fucking pathetic). Generation Y, you’re all over the map, guys. get it together.

“One in three college students and young employees under the age of 30 said would prioritize social media freedom, device flexibility, and work mobility over salary in accepting a job offer.
40 percent of college students and 45 percent of and young employees said they would accept a lower-paying job that had more flexibility with regard to device choice, social media access, and mobility than a higher-paying job with less flexibility.
81 percent want to choose the device for their job – either receiving budgeted funds to buy a work device of their choice or bringing in a personal one in addition to company-issued devices.”

and to be honest, all this and an additional way they sum this up –“nearly all surveys agree young folks highly value the ability to access their personal social media life at the office”– highlights part of the problem i always had with dealing with younger employees.

i understand that a lot of people put how much they enjoy their job over making a little more money. but there’s a difference between “job enjoyment” and “my job better allow me some social media freedom.” i cannot tell you the number of times i or a peer had to tell young workers to stop fucking around with the internet and/or their smartphones while they were on the job working. and to be honest, my impression of youngsters is that while they might prize their “social media freedom” over salary, they ACTUALLY feel entitled to both.

the rest is a juxtaposition between how Gen Y wants their “social media freedom,” but doesn’t want to communication with their employers that way, but i’m mentally tuned out already. yeah, your employers don’t really care about you at all, but could we at least pretend that there’s a social contract that implies you’re at least supposed to TRY and be working when you’re, you know, at work? that’s all i ask.