there isn’t really much in the way of an introduction i can give when this week’s update is about to IMMEDIATELY leap into the world of “cavorting in the mutilating remains of a horse” and “inserting high-explosive munitions into one’s body” and so on. i’d better just step right out of the way.
to be honest, the part that really creeps me out isn’t the frolicking in the bloody carcass of a horse… it’s the smile
i know we specialize in mocking creepy stories about people using horses for sex around here, but i’m not sure what’s worse: men who are compelled to sexually assault the same horse(s) over and over… or this:
“KOIN-TV reports that Washington County investigators have chosen not to file charges in the disturbing incident involving pictures released on the internet of a Portland-area woman crawling naked inside a dead horse.”
huh. well, that’s pretty bad. i guess, though, what we have to ask ourselves is “what was the motivation for these photos?” because if the woman (who the internet tells me shall be identified as “Jasha Lottin”) wasn’t doing it for the same sad, sexually-compelled reasons as that guy who kept raping that horse, then i might be able to say this isn’t as bad…
“The Oregon woman and her boyfriend recently took the photos, reminiscent of a scene in Star Wars, so she could “feel one” with the animal.”
“feel one with the animal?” this sounds to me like code for “uh, we have our sexual reasons for these horse corpse photos, but we don’t want to admit them to the media.” therefore, i am labeling this as WORSE than Rodell Vereen’s weird, weird problems. i do appreciate, however, that our writer is apparently the kind of Star Wars nerd that could not resist throwing in a “Luke cuts open and sleeps inside his tauntaun” reference. never change, nerds, never change.
“After putting down the couple’s 32-year-old horse with a gunshot to the head, the girl and her boyfriend gutted the animal. It was then that the 21-year-old woman undressed and crawled inside the carcass. The couple posted pictures of the bloodbath on the internet, in addition to photos of the two with what appears to be the horse’s heart near their mouths.”
now, i have long been on record as bashing horses, and 32 years is old for a horse… but i’m hoping that it wasn’t put down SOLELY for the purposes of weird sex photos. also, a key difference that makes this NOT “reminiscent of a scene in Star Wars” is the posing with the horse’s heart near their mouths. Luke wasn’t trying to take weird glamor shots with the remains of his precious tauntaun.
“The WCSO incident report indicated the woman wanted to feel what it would be like to be inside the dead horse.”
i don’t think this is one of those things that we really need a lot of investigation to figure out. the answer is “warm and ill-smelling,” right?
“After the odd and grotesque incident, the couple reportedly harvested the horse’s meat and later ate it with the woman’s mother.”
well, let me just say that if you ARE going to kill a horse and you’re going to do it yourself for whatever weird reasons you have (such as sexual deviancy), the least you can do is make use of the horse for the purposes of some tasty horse steaks. i’m not going to act all outraged about eating horses. to hell with horses; we should ALL be eating tasty horse steaks.
“KOIN reports that since the photos have gone viral, the woman in the photos has received death threats and hostile contact from people across the country who have viewed these pictures and have labeled her everything from a devil worshiper to a pervert.”
look, i don’t think it’s appropriate to be sending this woman death threats, not to mention the hypocritical nature of them. “you dared kill a horse? I’LL KILL YOU.” and i don’t see how this constitutes “devil worship,” which is too generically applied. however, “pervert” seems correct. i don’t think she was labeled that by the people of America; i think she labeled HERSELF that by, you know, taking photos of herself naked inside a horse.
“Officials say the couple won’t face charges because there is no evidence of animal cruelty, and that the means by which the couple killed horse is one of the most human ways to end its life.”
the word you’re looking for is “humane.” although i guess “human” also works, since shooting animals in the head is generally the domain of humans and, i guess, great apes who have gotten their hands on guns.
“Still, it’s a bizarre case.”
“”At some point you in your career you say yeah I’ve seen a lot of bad stuff â€” you see this kind of picture and you realize maybe you haven’t seen everything,” Washington County Sgt. Dave Thompson told KOIN.”
and that’s why i love these local police spokesmen: they cut right to the point. on the other hand, having seen this, do you now assume you’ve seen everything, on the grounds that each officer simply can’t see THAT many ridiculous things in their career? or are you now always afraid of what you might see that could be WORSE than this?
apparently, in some parts of Croatia, this display doubles as a wide assortment of sex toys
let me tell you, whenever an article’s title involves the phrase “explosive sex game,” you’re probably not going to be disappointed by the ridiculousness of its contents. here we go!
“A 50-year-old Croat, who had to get medical help after inserting an anti-aircraft shell in his anus, sparked a police probe and risks charges if similar weapons are found at his home, local media said on Friday.”
01. i’m not sure if medical help is all the help he needs, unless in Croatia the psychiatrist is lumped in there with “medical”;
02. he risks charges if similar weapons are found? didn’t we find an illicit weapon already, albeit one located in this man’s anus?
“The man was admitted to a Zagreb hospital after apparently ‘experimenting in a sex game’ with the explosive 2cm cannon shell which got stuck, the Slobodna Dalmacija daily reported.”
you know, by the time the cannon shell is stuck in your anus, something that has to take a small amount of work, i think you have gone beyond the “experimenting” part of the sex game. you are now fully committing to participating in it.
“After the doctors removed the 11cm long shell, it was handed over to a member of the police anti-explosives unit, the paper said. A Zagreb police spokesman confirmed the incident but would not give any details as the authorities are still investigating.”
“would not give any details?” sir, i think you have already let the outrageous details out of the bag. there really isn’t much more to conceal from us, beyond the man’s name.
“If other illegal weapons are found in the man’s home, he could face criminal charges.”
so the moral of the story appears to be this: in Croatia, you get a pass on any one illegal weapon found stuck in your anus, but if you have any MORE than that, then you’re going to be doing some jail time. i’m sure this is good information to know if you’re into that kind of thing.
generally, the kind of people arrested for doing the stupidest things at least have the courtesy to look like the kind of people who would be arrested for doing the stupidest things
“An Illinois man was arrested early yesterday after he called 911 on several occasions to complain that his iPhone was not working.”
there’s also the irony of calling someone to complain about your phone not working, but let’s focus on the main point: what’s the thought process that leads you to believe that this is something you need to call the POLICE about? have we called tech support and some corporate Apple locations and been stymied and thought, “well, i guess i need to go over their heads to the police?” or –and this is my actual theory– is alcohol involved in some way?
“Michael Alan Skopec, 48, dialed police emergency operators five times to beef about his malfunctioning Apple product, according to a Kendall County Sheriff’s Office report.”
also… what’s the fifth call supposed to accomplish? you’ve called the emergency operator about your iPhone. they, for some reason, couldn’t help you. and then you called them again. and again and again. at what point, even if you’re full of Steel Reserve and oxycontin or whatever else, do you not think, “hey, it seems 911 isn’t going to help me with my phone problems?”
“Cops traced the calls to Skopec’s home, where he was arrested around 1 AM yesterday when he “refused to comply with orders from deputies,” according to a sheriff’s spokesperson.”
while i know that “refused to comply with orders from deputies” is probably about refusing to provide identification or getting combative with the officers, i sincerely hope it was caused by an exchange along these lines:
Kendall County sheriff deputies: “sir, please stop calling our emergency officers.”
Michael Alan Skopec: “NO! MY IPHONE ISN’T WORKING! IT NEEDS TO WORK!”
Kendall County sheriff deputies: “sir, we keep explaining to you that we can’t fix your phone. stop calling our emergency officers.”
Michael Alan Skopec: “I’M CALLING UNTIL SOMEONE FIXES MY IPHONE!”
Kendall County sheriff deputies: “this is your last warning, sir! stop calling 911!”
Michael Alan Skopec: (dials 911)
Kendall County sheriff deputies: (arrests Skopec)
and if this was Prince Georges County police resolving the situation, you could change the last part to (shoots Skopec repeatedly).
“Skopec, pictured in the above mug shot, was charged with obstructing or resisting a peace officer, a misdemeanor.”
you know, if i was running for office, one of my platforms would be to make it a new and specific offense to call 911 for stupid reasons. it could stay a misdemeanor; i’d just like to see these guys charged with “one count of being too fucking stupid to understand how use 911.”
“It is unclear what Skopec thought cops could do about his malfunctioning smartphone (though deputies did report that he was intoxicated when they arrived at his residence).”
I KNEW IT. although i must admit it brings me no joy to be right about the incredibly stupidity of Americans. they never cease to disappoint me.
and speaking of my disgust with Americans, let’s go ahead and close this out with some ranting about the younger generation:
ah, Generation Y. have i mentioned that i hate you all?
have i mentioned how i don’t like the “Gen Y” label because it’s lazy? i mean, Generation X is Generation X for whatever reason. fine. so the next one is just Generation Y? because we don’t call the baby boomers “Generation W,” you know. anyway, anyway, there’s an article here.
“For its second annual Connected World Technology Report, Cisco surveyed 1,400 students and 1,4000 young professionals aged 21-29 in 14 countries, asking about their tech habits and views. The results, released this week, are stark: One in three college students and young professionals considers the Internet to be as important as fundamental human resources like air, water, food and shelter.”
“as important as fundamental human resources like air, water, food and shelter.” “AS IMPORTANT AS FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RESOURCES.” look, i love the internet. i’m using it to bitch and moan right now. i would be, to say the least, incredibly irritated if i was to be without it for an extended period of time. but at least i’m able to acknowledge that it rates a little below this food/air deal, you know?
“More than half of the study’s respondents say they could not live without the Internet and cite it as an “integral part of their lives.””
now, maybe this is an issue of how the question is worded. “integral part of their lives?” that makes sense. it’s actual very reasonable; we use the internet for more and more stuff all the time. but “could not live without the Internet?” this is entirely excessive and leads me to believe that Gen Y could benefit from an immediate influx of psychiatric consultation.
“How important was the internet to respondents? 64 percent said they’d choose a connection over a car, while 40 percent valued the internet more than dating, listening to music and going out with friends. Half would rather loose their wallet or purse than their smartphone.”
and again we have a mix of understandable (more important than a car? maybe, depending on where you live. rather lose your wallet or purse? i can see that, depending on what you have going on in the phone) and ridiculous (valued more than “dating, listening to music and going out with friends?” fucking pathetic). Generation Y, you’re all over the map, guys. get it together.
“One in three college students and young employees under the age of 30 said would prioritize social media freedom, device flexibility, and work mobility over salary in accepting a job offer.
40 percent of college students and 45 percent of and young employees said they would accept a lower-paying job that had more flexibility with regard to device choice, social media access, and mobility than a higher-paying job with less flexibility.
81 percent want to choose the device for their job – either receiving budgeted funds to buy a work device of their choice or bringing in a personal one in addition to company-issued devices.”
and to be honest, all this and an additional way they sum this up –“nearly all surveys agree young folks highly value the ability to access their personal social media life at the office”– highlights part of the problem i always had with dealing with younger employees.
i understand that a lot of people put how much they enjoy their job over making a little more money. but there’s a difference between “job enjoyment” and “my job better allow me some social media freedom.” i cannot tell you the number of times i or a peer had to tell young workers to stop fucking around with the internet and/or their smartphones while they were on the job working. and to be honest, my impression of youngsters is that while they might prize their “social media freedom” over salary, they ACTUALLY feel entitled to both.
the rest is a juxtaposition between how Gen Y wants their “social media freedom,” but doesn’t want to communication with their employers that way, but i’m mentally tuned out already. yeah, your employers don’t really care about you at all, but could we at least pretend that there’s a social contract that implies you’re at least supposed to TRY and be working when you’re, you know, at work? that’s all i ask.