in which janklow gets entirely too emotional regarding Hawaii 5-0

you know, after last week’s nonsensical and completely unnecessary rant about a topic that probably only bothers me, i told myself, “self, it’s time to focus up and try to create some more traditional comedy laughs. let’s do our best to make that happen, okay?” and i even meant it!

…but then i saw something that made me about as irrationally angry as the Mummy (1932) does, and that’s when i knew we wouldn’t be leaving the realm of “janklow being too damn mad about nothing of consequence” any time soon. so let’s just get it over with, okay?

Hawaii 5-0
Hawaii 5-0 also features one of America’s most punchable faces in the form of Scott Caan; it may not be his fault, but it certainly doesn’t make the show more appealing to me

janklow is totally enraged by fucking Hawaii 5-0

so once upon a time there was this police procedural (although i don’t think they used that term back then) called Hawaii 5-0 where, according to our good friends at Wikipedia, “the show centers on a fictional state police force led by former U.S. naval officer Steve McGarrett.” the damn thing ran for twelve years, so i guess we can say that a) it must have been really popular for some reason (maybe the whole “book ’em, Danno” thing) and b) it was inevitable in today’s climate of unoriginality that SOMEONE would attempt to remake it.

also, twelve years of dramatic crime… in Hawaii? you kind of assume that cities like New York and Los Angeles and Chicago have lots of dramatic crime and organized crime and, to boil it down, fodder for police procedurals… but Hawaii?

ANYWAY, so they finally remade the show in 2010, only now Wikipedia says it “covers the actions of a small special state task force created by the Governor of Hawaii to investigate serious crimes throughout the Islands, as Hawaii does not have a conventional state police force.” i guess it didn’t do well enough, so they brought in teen heartthrob Terry O’Quinn to spice it up, but it’s still on the air. which brings us to the “irrationally angry” part of this update.

now, i don’t watch Hawaii 5-0. i don’t watch reruns of the original Hawaii 5-0. so i really shouldn’t care what the show does… and then i saw this advertisement:

…and i flipped the fuck out, for a short list of reasons:

01. “Steve went into North Korea, on a personal mission”: for one thing, it’s OBVIOUSLY a personal mission, because there are exactly zero professional reasons for a single member of a Hawaii-based special state task force to be sent to fucking North Korea. but beyond that… who the hell is going to NORTH KOREA on a personal mission? don’t the people watching the program at least say to themselves, “well, this sounds unbelievable.”

02. “…goes terribly wrong”: again, OBVIOUSLY. i admit this is nit-picking because this kind of exposition is the way commercials for television programs work, but i am still annoyed on some level by the network needing to point this out. what would the episode be about if Steve completed his mission and came home without incident?

03. “we’re going to bring Steve home”: okay, maybe i’m just a shitty friend and/or co-worker, but if i knew someone as a professional colleague on a state police force, and i came to work the next day and someone told me, “hey, Steve got captured on a personal mission to North Korea! are you ready to help rescue him?” …well, i would probably just stay at the office and get caught up on my paperwork. this is not a mission for Hawaii cops! even ones that now include me! call the fucking State Department!

04. “…and you won’t believe who comes to the rescue”: and which point the ad tells me that this unbelievable guest star is Jimmy Fucking Buffett, and i completely lose it. Jimmy Buffett? why is this an awesome, unbelievable guest star? he’s not an action star; he’s not a guy known for playing cops or military dudes. he’s not even an actor! and if you want to say his string of cameos make him an actor by default, FINE, he’s a shitty actor not worthy of Special Billing.

and look, a cameo is supposed to be a cute, “hey, look who’s in this film or television show” moment, not a major selling point. so if this is another cameo, who cares? and if it’s not… again, why is Jimmy Buffett a massive “get” for Hawaii 5-0? what audience that doesn’t watch Hawaii 5-0 already is going to be excited to see it? and what ridiculous “parrothead” who watches Hawaii 5-0 just to see their lord and master Jimmy Buffett is going to stick around as a regular viewer.

really, i shouldn’t find this so offensive, but GOD DAMN THIS SHIT.

Jack Abramoff
there’s a joke here about how even Jack Abramoff thinks Dan Snyder is kind of an asshole, but i don’t want to get sued for making it

janklow is totally enraged by fucking Jack Abramoff

and then i visited with my lovely grandmother and i happened to catch a glimpse of Jack Abramoff on her television, and maybe i was still keyed-up from all that Hawaii 5-0 nonsense that made me lose my damn mind… but, okay, i flipped out again. i’m fucking tense, okay?

so… Jack Abramoff. he’s a former lobbyist and businessman and, as far as i am concerned, a current scumbag. he was, according to the Internet’s most quoted encyclopedia, “at the heart of an extensive corruption investigation that led to the conviction of White House officials J. Steven Griles and David Safavian, U.S. Representative Bob Ney, and nine other lobbyists and Congressional aides” and ultimately he “served three years, six months of a six-year sentence in federal prison before being released early,” and, okay, that’s probably Wikipedia for the week.

now, look, i get that you can get convicted of a crime, do your time, realize the error of your ways, and come out a better man who’s living clean. i’m forgetting about the fact that men who don’t steal millions get slammed with years on years more time than Abramoff because their offense is somehow “worse” (i’m looking at you, drug laws). i’m forgetting about the fact that those will less money often do more of their time. so what’s the deal? it’s me watching Jack Abramoff sell a book while basically implying that he was only convicted because every so often the government needs to give us a show.

first off, even if true, that’s not the SOLE reason you were convicted. in fact, the selling point for Abramoff’s new book-writing, ratting-out-corruption persona is that he ADMITS he committed crimes and went to jail for them. so spare me the tone, okay?

second… a book? really? and maybe this isn’t about Abramoff so much as it is the fact that every asshole out there seems to be cranking out books in a world where quality authors probably see money that pales in comparison to said assholes, and in which a table full of adults can be overheard discussing the merits of the Twilight and Harry Potter “sagas.”

look, i don’t mean to come off like a pompous prick with an English degree, but those are fucking books for CHILDREN. and if i come across hard evidence that women whose qualifications for writing a book are ‘i was married to somehow who was involved in a massive financial scam’ or ‘a Congressman texted me photos of his penis’ are making more money than Cormac McCarthy, then i may just have to kill myself. because this is not necessarily a society i can be part of.

but actually, to be honest, what really made me flip out was when Mike Huckabee said that Abramoff had done bad things, but was not a bad person. so… what’s the bar for being a “bad person,” then, if stealing millions of dollars is not enough? do you HAVE to murder a series of prostitutes?

…maybe i should start smoking cigarettes. i hear that calms you down. also:

guns that let us pretend we wear a bodysuit and fight crime in Africa

CZ SP-01 Phantom

actually, it doesn’t let us do that at all, but it IS a CZ SP-01 Phantom, so it has a cool name going for it. now i just need to slap a bayonet on this thing and call it a day.

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One Response to in which janklow gets entirely too emotional regarding Hawaii 5-0

  1. thisBITES says:

    Maybe the best commentary ever Janklow, seriously, you wrapped up my feelings about H-5-0’s jimmy buffet “episode” perfectly. We’re not going to help that fool that went to N Korea on a “personal” mission because it’s “personal” and I wouldn’t want any friend of mine interfering in McGarret’s business. It’s just NOT POLITE. KthxBye.

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