tales from the stands of FedEx Field III: now with 75% less threats regarding sexual assault in the bathroom!

in the past, i’ve written a few words here and there about experiences at our local sports stadium, FedEx Field, home to the generally mediocre play of my grandmother’s precious Washington Redskins. that said, it has been some time since i had such an update (say, 2007 or so), but recent events (possibly to include the Redskins-Patriots game) have inspired me to produce additional commentary in this vein! words that denote pretend excitement go here! yeah!

THINGS YOU SHOULD PROBABLY NOT DO AT A FOOTBALL GAME REDUX

Patriots fans and their precious alcohol
i think it’s long been understood that Patriots fans have various emotional problems; that being said, it doesn’t mean you should keep feeding them alcohol

now, generally speaking, most opposing fans know the drill when you’re at a football game hosted by another team: resist the urge to act incredibly asinine, less a band of those local fans express their distaste for you and your team physically… and by “distaste,” i mean “raw and unbridled hatred,” and by physically, “that thing where you are struck by beer bottles, battered about the face and groin, and then hurled from the upper deck of the stadium.” now, to be clear, i am not supporting such physical violence in any way, but i also recognize as a matter of fact that it can (and, sadly, does) happen. that said, there are always going to be guys violating this advice. it happens. but sometimes… it’s a woman doing so. which brings me to a few points.

01. getting hammered and talking ridiculous shit remains poor form, even when you’re a woman.
the only difference is that either you’re going to get a pass on your behavior, as a) most guys won’t really get in the face of a woman and talk shit back at her regardless of her actions and/or words, and b) depending on your looks, there’s a chance those guys would rather not lose their 0.00013% chance to fuck you by calling you out on your bullshit. now, given the filthy mouth and general appearance of the Patriots fan female i am speaking of, it was PROBABLY the latter in this case. the problem with this point, of course, is that drunks can’t pause in the middle of their ranting and general misbehavior to realize their poor behavior is poor and change it, but that’s nothing new.

02. it’s still incredibly lame to cheer your team’s offense when they’re on the field.
because we all understand that this is stupid as it is the DEFENSE that wants noise (because of the disruption to the opposing quarterback) and the OFFENSE that wants quiet, right? it’s only done as a “fuck you” to the local fans who are cheering on their defense, and it simply makes you look like a stupid football fan. now, not to be sexist, but i would think that the average female football fan, who’s probably used to people assuming she doesn’t know shit about football because, you know, GIRLS, would want to try all the more to make an impression of football intellect. but again, alcohol enters the picture here.

03. if you’re a drunken, ranting woman’s boyfriend, stop bringing her beers.
there was a part of this game-slash-drunken-woman-experience where the woman’s boyfriend (who was a Redskins fan) brought back a pair of beers. at this point our section, which was composed of a mix of Redskins and Patriots fans, all wondered in unison, sometimes audibly, “who is that beer for?” it turned out that one of the beers was for her, which, considering her drunken, swearing state AND the fact that said boyfriend had already acknowledged to people how hammered she was, seemed to be, in our mind, a poor idea. because let’s be honest: when someone is drunk and aggressive, has giving them more alcohol EVER been a good idea?

04. when your fellow fans cheer your departure, you’re clearly not a good fan.
so eventually this drunken woman, whose name i will assume was Fuck Yeah Tombrady, given the general thrust of her conversation, left with her boyfriend trailing behind her, at which point our immediate area –which, again, contained many Patriots fans– cheered her departure. now, since the general rule is that opposing fans stick together in an opponent’s stadium, this may indicate to you that i am not simply a salty Marylander hating on a woman whose team won that day.

THINGS YOU SHOULD PROBABLY NOT DO IN THE BATHROOM AT A FOOTBALL GAME

some men's bathroom
ah, the men’s bathroom at a stadium: the scene for so many sad, sad happenings

bathroom etiquette is a bit of stickler for me, and as such, i’ve probably written about THAT in the past, here and there. but, as always, the bathroom at FedEx Field has once again led to my disappointment, and thus i must present things that i feel people should not be doing in the bathroom:

01. for starters, and as a throwback to past material, you should not loudly and aggressively declare you’ll be fucking anyone in the ass. especially in an “assault” kind of way; i suppose it’s less offensive if you’ve meant it to be romantic all along.

02. attempting to slide past me in the line in the bathroom? unacceptable. do you think there isn’t a massive line in the men’s room after a game? do you think that, while i have been standing here for fifteen minutes, i didn’t realize that you were ahead of me? honestly, the only possible explanations for this behavior could be “i’m a drunken and oblivious asshole” and “i feel like i can do whatever i like in the face of small men.” i deem neither of these explanations to be acceptable.

03. cutting the line in the men’s bathroom, is, to say the least, even worse than trying to slide past me. and when you declare “oh, no one’s waiting to use the stalls” to jump ahead of some fifty guys, you should be aware that no one thinks you’re clever. the rest of us are just taking part in that reasonable portion of society that acknowledges “rules” and things like that.

so, okay, this was not a phenomenally-sized update and a little redundant, but that happens sometimes. oh well!

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