in which the bail jumping charge remains a beautiful mystery, never to be explained by all of man’s science

recently, we’ve tried some of these highbrow “essentially one-idea” updates, and while they’re good and everything as far as making us feel like we’ve made some mild achievement, they also take much more work, because you have to have an IDEA and then make it relate to some JOKES and man, is that tiring. time to quickly escape back to making fun of recent events!

Mark Thomas Wach
also normal for rednecks: regular brushes with the law, stays in jail, unflattering mug shots

Arrested Palm City man says fighting normal for rednecks

please let Palm City be in Kentucky… please let Palm City be in Kentucky…

“PALM CITY, Fla. – A 43-year-old man said to have shot at his lawn mower while intoxicated, fought his adult son and pulled a shotgun on the adult son was arrested after being shocked three times with a Taser, according to recently released records.”

DAMN IT. anyway, i’m not going to sit here and tell you he’s wrong. fighting IS normal for rednecks. it’s not normal for everyone else, it’s not socially acceptable, its constant occurrence can bespeak larger problems like “inbreeding run amok” or “too much lead paint in baby’s diet” … but it’s still pretty much one of those things that rednecks do. as they say, there is great truth in whatever cheap bottle of bargain-priced bourbon this man prefers.

“Mark Thomas Wach, of the 4400 block of Southwest 83rd Street in Palm City, was arrested Nov. 20 on charges including aggravated domestic assault with a firearm and domestic battery in connection with the incidents near his home. Wach told a Martin County Sheriff’s deputy he was puzzled about why he was going to jail.”

maybe there was a misunderstanding? as in, he did not understand his rights as they have been explained to him? or what the charges mean?

“”He then stated that he shoots in the yard all the time and that fighting is what redneck people do,” records state.”

ah. well then. although i have to ask, while fighting IS what redneck people do, is shooting in the yard? all the time, even? because i have to imagine the rednecks next door would be concerned about their collection of old-cars-propped-up-on-cinder blocks getting accidentally damaged.

“Wach’s 18-year-old son, who said he wasn’t hurt, said that about 45 minutes before he called authorities, Wach was intoxicated in the side yard shooting a pistol at his lawn mower. Wach went on his son’s porch and began “a verbal altercation with him over (the son’s) mother not paying child support.””

one thing not mentioned here is that if a drunk gun with a gun whose fighting an 18-year-old can’t even hurt him, then he’s simply not very good at fighting. which, in turn, leads me to believe that despite Wach being a redneck, fighting might NOT be what he does. nor shooting either, if he couldn’t get the job done on that lawnmower. still, you know, i guess it’s good that no one was hurt?

“The son said Wach pointed the pistol “all over,”-“

minimalist, but still, an excellent description!

“-but the son managed to get the .380 caliber handgun away. Wach left, and his son thought he was going home “to sleep it off.”

ah, a classic redneck mistake. see, while we all understand that drunks in general DO eventually have to retreat to “sleep it off,” we should all also recognize that it’s not often as cut and dry as “he behaved badly for a brief period of time, no one got hurt, and then he went to sleep it off.” SOMEONE has to get hurt before the sleeping it off can begin!

“Instead, Wach returned with a 12 gauge shotgun. The son said Wach started to point the pump action shotgun at him, but he wrestled it away. They engaged in a physical altercation, and the son said they rolled out onto the porch. That’s when a deputy arrived and saw them fighting.”

maybe i just haven’t been in that many redneck fights, but i have to admit something: whenever a fight (or “physical altercation,” if you want to get technical about it in an article where a drunk redneck shoots at a lawnmower) involves rolling anywhere, my mind says, “bullshit! this is not the movies! people only roll in MOVIES!” i guess i have to admit regular non-movie people are CAPABLE of rolling… but i just don’t see it happening.

“Wach was on top of his son, and the deputy told him to stop fighting. Wach didn’t, and the deputy shocked him with an X-26 Taser. Wach didn’t follow additional instructions and was shocked twice more.”

for the love of god, why couldn’t you clarify those additional instructions? they might have been HILARIOUS. “okay, now stop thrashing as the electricity courses through you! STOP THRASHING!” (shocks redneck again) although i suspect what happened here is an unspoken policy of “just keep shocking those fucking rednecks until they stop moving.” and i don’t say this to bash the unspoken policy. the unspoken policy is based on sound logic.

“The son wouldn’t complete a written statement because he didn’t want his dad to get in trouble.”

yeah, it might be a little late for that, son, considering the following OTHER things that have happened:
–someone presumably called the cops based on the fighting or the SHOOTING AT A LAWNMOWER IN THE YARD;
–father witnessed by deputy fighting his son, with a pump shotgun somewhere in the mix;
–the part where the son co-signs all the events to whatever news organizations cover this

“The records didn’t state whether the lawn mower was of the riding or push variety.”

…and we’ve discovered the best possible way this article could have ended. kudos, Will Greenlee, kudos.

Kasia Rivera
apparently, this is the face of the person countless New Jersey residents turn to for penis enhancement

the ‘fake woman doctor who killed man, 22, by injecting his penis with silicone during pumping party’

there’s a very strong chance this is one of those “yeah, we can just read the title and stop right here” articles, because not only is that headline BEYOND long and descriptive, i’m always suspecting (or maybe just hoping) that these “rogue plastic surgery” stories are completely fake. but until we prove that they are…

“A fake doctor injected a man’s penis with silicone, killing him, police said Friday.”

for starters, i don’t think you need to add “fake” there when we’re talking about someone who’s jamming silicone into penises; that’s pretty much understood. for another thing, and at the risk of sounding heartless, the loss of someone who’s thinking, “yeah, maybe it’d be a great idea to pay someone to jam my dick full of plastic” is probably not the greatest loss humanity could incur. this guy was probably never going to go into a career in astrophysics or anything like that.

“Justin Street visited Kasia Rivera, 34, at her home in New Jersey for the penis enhancement proceedure on May 5, prosecutors say. But just a day after attending the so-called ‘pumping-party’ the 22-year-old was dead.”

i suspect this question isn’t going to be addressed during the article… but “pumping party?” does this mean there’s a fair number of SURVIVING random dudes cruising around the streets of New Jersey with their whatnots packed to the brim with artificial enhancements? because if so… i mean, damn, New Jersey, i rip on you all the time, but at least TRY to make it difficult for me to do so.

“A medical examiner determined he died of a silicone embolism.”

and to think, we thought only bored and sad housewives were at risk for silicone embolisms… won’t someone think of the children?!

“But blackmarket illegal use by untrained practitioners continues as a quick-fix budget alternative to cosmetic surgery. Doctors say the slow economy has also fuelled the trade.”

now, i suppose the logic here is that people have had their wallets lightened by the slow economy and thus are forced to turn to these shady unauthorized doctors to get their penises swollen with toxic gel… but doesn’t it seem like cosmetic surgery is the kind of thing you CUT from your budget when money is tight? are a lot of people thinking, “man, i REALLY want to get my penis enlarged somehow, but this damn recession is killing me! there must be some cheap, dangerous alternative!”

“There is also no guarantee of medical grade silicon at so called ‘pumping parties’ cosmetic events held in homes, offices and even motel rooms.”

you mean the creepy man/woman/whatever the hell that thing is that’s jamming a massive needle into my penis in the back of his/her windowless van isn’t using actual medical-grade silicone? it’s just a mixture of Vaseline and peanut butter? AND he/she/it isn’t even a doctor? I DEMAND MY $40 BACK, SIR OR MA’AM!

“Last year a New Jersey model was charged with providing toxic buttock boosting silicon calk injections to six women, leaving them needing surgery, the Star Ledger reported. … A fake surgeon was last month accused of carrying out DIY surgery on at least five people in Florida. Oneal Ron Morris allegedly inserted deadly toxins including cement and tyre sealants into her patients, before sealing the wounds with superglue.”

again, it seems wrong to make light… but for Christ’s sake, CEMENT? see, this is why i hope all these stories are fake: i cannot fathom the person who sees the procedure that awaits them –for i highly doubt you get your ass jammed full of tire sealant in a clean, well-lit office– and STILL goes through with the deal. but then again, my great curse is that i’m an optimistic when it comes to the human race.

Aaron Rodgers
all the below being said, i could understand if you had to choke your daughter because she talked bad about Aaron Rodgers. i mean, not to DEATH, but the kids have to learn to watch their mouths when Chico’s finest is involved

irate Green Bay Packers fan charged with choking daughter

let me be honest: my immediate assumptions here were “male Green Bay Packers fan” and “asshole teenage daughter who happens to be a Cowboys or Steelers fan totally deserves this.” however, it turns out that NEITHER of these assumptions was correct:

“Police say a drunken woman twice choked her 11-year-old daughter on Sunday after becoming angered by the Green Bay Packers game.”

aaahhh… that’s much less defensible, although if the 11-year-old is a Broncos fan, i’m not going to be TOO broken up about the situation. because the kid’s fine, right? probably!

“The 36-year-old Grand Chute woman was charged Monday in Outagamie County Court with felony child abuse and misdemeanor counts of bail jumping and disorderly conduct.”

let me break it to you all right now: they will never explain what the bail jumping charge is about during this article, and to me, that’s just a sign of lazy journalism. but hey, that’s what modern America is coming to these days. anyway, i like to think she was out on bail for getting in a fight over the quality of Bubba Franks as a receiving tight end… and let me also note that this is a classic inside joke for J.Miles. “OH MY GOD HE’S A PRO BOWL CALIBER TIGHT END!”

“Police were called about 8:15 p.m. Sunday to a Grand Chute hotel where the girl told police her mother grabbed her by the neck during the football game. The woman was drinking alcohol and became upset because the team was losing. The girl said that after the Packers lost, her mother choked her again with enough force that the girl couldn’t breathe, and her mother said, “Do you want to die?” the criminal complaint says.”

see, i just don’t understand the thought process. as a Raiders fan, you KNOW football has mostly been a depressing, painful experience for me. i get the part where you scream the foulest obscenities at the television and wish death on all men; i get the part where you try to kill the pain with alcohol and totally don’t cry because men don’t fucking cry over football, okay? NOT AT ALL. so at what point do you think, “man, i am SO UPSET about the Chiefs beating the Packers that i need to choke my daughter to death RIGHT NOW,” exactly?

…unless that daughter was secretly a mouthy Chiefs fan. i’m not discounting the possibility.

“The Post-Crescent is not naming the woman to protect the identity of the child.”

which has the negative aspect of making it MUCH more difficult to mock this woman on the internet.

“The woman’s husband told police she also threw her dinner on the floor, broke a lamp and attempted to punch him in the face because she was upset about the game, which marked the Packers’ first loss in 14 games this season.”

okay, question: did all of this come before or after the child choking? because if it was before, how did we not see the escalation coming and just slide on out the damn door? and if it was after… really, are we bitching about this in the aftermath of child abuse? “well, Grace got really mad about the Packers and choked the hell out of Grace Junior … AND THEN SHE FUCKING BROKE A LAMP AND I WAS ALL LIKE, POLICE, GET THE FUCK IN HERE AND TASER THIS BITCH INTO SUBMISSION.”

…unless it was a turbo-nice lamp. again, i’m not discounting the possibility.

“The child abuse charge carries a maximum sentence of 12½ years of imprisonment and $25,000 in fines. The woman could face up to nine months in jail if convicted of bail jumping and 90 days on the disorderly conduct count. She is being held in jail on a $2,500 cash bond.”

also, STOP FUCKING TEASING ME WITH THE BAIL JUMPING CHARGE.

anyway, next week we’ll have a belated holiday update? yes? sure, let’s promise that.

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