at this point, it’s probably been pretty well established that our hero janklow is not a big fan of the holidays (at least among our thirteen avid readers, anyway); as such, beyond the token “this is this week’s introduction,” further discussion of said point is QUITE redundant.
that said… i do occasionally try to get into the spirit of the season and savor the very brief moments when mankind actually acts their age over the holidays. it’s not completely impossible; there’s always little moments such as when anonymous donors pay off Kmart layaway accounts or just the generic “watching people stuff cash in those Salvation Army buckets” thing. and to borrow a notion from Patton Oswalt (specifically one from his Finest Hour album, available at fine retailers everywhere), it’s possible for me to look at this and think to myself, “we’re going to make it!”
…only for my version of his avatar of sloth, the avatar of These Goddamn Holidays, to rear its ugly-but-expected head:
all the below being said, i do admit “a map of Maryland” is a pretty lousy gift. it’s not the most scenic state to look at in map form
THESE FUCKING KIDS.
yes, okay, i understand that every generation says the one after it is the worst of all time and that in doing so, i’m not breaking any new ground. and surely many, many members of MY generation (or even the one before it) were just as bitchy on Christmas, so it’s not like some stuck-up teenage girl in 2011 is the first girl who ever reacted badly when daddy failed to buy her that car she TOTALLY deserves, like, OMG!
so perhaps the actual problem isn’t so much that these kids should all die in a fire clutching their greed, but that all this cutting-edge social media is exposing MY precious sensibilities to it. when i was a child, i couldn’t tell everyone on the internet how much MY parents had fucked me over because they didn’t buy me an iPad or an iPhone or whatever else Apple told all these children their parents would have bought them if only they loved them.
sadly, “Christina Nicole,” you have managed to make yourself sound about as greedy as possible
so yes, i blame Twitter for this. and with the kind of irony only someone complaining about his petty problems and opinions on a crude internet blog can manage, i completely resent them for allowing the average person to live out the fantasy that everyone on the internet might care about their random constant thoughts. i at least have the decency to only post updates around once a week, and usually INCREDIBLY late, at that.
but surely there isn’t anything else about the holidays and/or humanity that i find soul-crushing…
i am hoping this guy in the red shirt is as outraged as i am
oh, wait, there’s the whole “must have this product so badly that i go completely berserk for it and maybe trample a guy to death in a Wal-Mart.” although i think that trampling thing happened in 2008, so i’m admittedly mixing my narratives up on this one.
“Almost nine years into the basketball legend’s retirement, a new version of Michael Jordan athletic shoes can still send fans into a mad frenzy: Stores nationwide were the scenes of violence and police officer injuries Friday, authorities said.”
although i DO like the vague notion that this happened because people are still stirred up about Michael Jordan, even well after his retirement. please note the following, news agencies: no one cares about Michael Jordan. they care about expensive, trendy shoes.
“In Richmond, California, police investigated a gunshot fired outside a mall where the latest version of shoes named after Jordan went on sale for about $180 a pair Friday morning, police told CNN affiliate KGO. A 24-year-old Richmond man was taken into custody in connection with the gunfire, said police Lt. Lori Curran. “It appears right now it may have been just a negligent discharge,” Curran said.”
well, i certainly hope so, because otherwise we’re not so much talking “shooting someone for their expensive shoes” as much as “shooting someone for the RIGHT TO BUY expensive shoes.” i imagine that, at the very least, they’ll be checking your ID extra closely if you follow up murder by firearm with trying to pay for those shoes with a credit card.
and America had many problems in regards to these shoes, including my own great state of Maryland, where:
“Crowds overwhelmed shopping malls, a Montgomery County police officer was assaulted and several people were arrested locally in the frenzy surrounding the release of a new model of Air Jordans. The shoes, which went on sale overnight Thursday, were even rumored to have led to the death of a Washington area man.”
it turned out to be just a rumor, at least. my local mall apparently ALSO saw a fight break out over these sneakers. seriously, Americans, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. this is all over shoes?
“On Friday afternoon, eBay was featuring new pairs of the Air Jordan Retro XI selling between $219.99 and $510.”
and in some respects, this is really the saddest part of all: people weren’t even going berserk to own these rare shoes, but rather, to sell them on the internet for a $40-$330 profit.
THIS GODDAMN INTERNET STRIKES AGAIN
anyway, i guess i should cut the internet some slack because it DOES do me a pretty solid favor: every time i think there might be some amount of hope for humanity, the internet quickly disabuses me of that notion. so actually, thanks, internet!
but in the interest of fairness, i should note that not ALL was bad with Christmas for our hero this year:
this awesome little robot is making me some tea so that i will calm the fuck down. happy holidays, everyone.